Grateful Friday

Today's post feels more defiant than anything.

I'm shaking my fist and declaring, "But I'm still grateful!"

Because I don't know what else to do.

Mark and Adam were all set, bags packed, plans made, to go to a day of the high adventure today.  I didn't feel good about sending Mark solo for the entire camp and Adam agreed to take a day off work to take him for white water rafting today.

Except Mark's glucose monitor went off all night.  It kept alerting him of low glucose levels then he'd eat and go to sleep to be awakened again.

He finally gave up and slept on the couch.

This morning his monitor stopped working and he tested his blood the old way and it was really high.

So I don't know if those low readings were false or not.

What I do know is that Mark felt awful, like he does when his glucose levels swing wildly.  He was exhausted and discouraged and sick.  He went back to bed and Adam and I sat across from each other in the family room and wondered what to do.

And decision making in the 5:00 hour of the morning is not my strong suit.

Should Adam go anyway?  He was supposed to lead the evening devotional.  Should he wait and see what Mark wants to do when he wakes up?  Maybe they can still get there for some of the fun.

Adam said, "Mark is my priority today."

And how can I not be grateful for that?

It's OK; we're OK.  This is just hard.  I know full well that there's a learning curve and an adjustment period and that lots of people live with this and do just fine.

I just want my boy to be fine NOW.  That's all.

But I am still grateful today.  I am.  It's a big beautiful world, bigger than the frustrations of a glucose monitor that's a little haywire.

In separate news/something I'm also grateful about, I finished preparing my visual arts portion of my curriculum yesterday.  I have done that and drama now and it feels like a good accomplishment.

Here's what my office looked like yesterday afternoon:

Some people are neat and orderly while they work.  I'm not one of those people.  It was a creative process for me and creativity is messy.  Drawers open, papers flung, magazine files upended.

But I'm happy with my curriculum.

Also, yesterday I got a package from Amazon.  That is not an unusual occurrence but I didn't remember ordering anything.

Here's what was inside:

Toilet paper tubes!

Dear reader, whoever you are who sent these.  Thank you!  You delighted me down to my toes.

Golden linings

This summer will probably go down in our family history as "that summer."  As in, remember that summer?

The weather has been atypical.  Our house looks different.  There's a sharps box on the kitchen counter, an entire drawer dedicated to diabetic supplies and a box of wedding announcements that migrate from the table to the counter to a nearby desk as Braeden and Anna are chipping away at addressing them.

My activities have been different.  Mark and I average about two trips to the Salt Lake valley each week for appointments.  I spent most of yesterday planning my art curriculum and dreamt about art all night (which isn't a terrible thing).

They'll be no "going back to normal" from this.  There will only be adjustment.  At the end of the summer, Mark will still have diabetes, Emma will be in France (hopefully they'll get back to her with her assignment soon which is a whole other thing), Braeden will be married, I'll be a teacher and Adam will more than likely be pulling extra duty as the buoy that keeps us all afloat.

Last night Adam and I went out onto the deck at 9:00, which is prime time to go out on the deck in the summer.

Emma, who is fighting a cold, went to bed early.  Braeden and Anna and Mark had been bow tie and sock and suspender shopping for the wedding with Anna's little brother Owen who is in Utah visiting cousins.  Braeden cares about only a few things wedding related.  He foremost cares about Anna and whatever she wants.  Second to that was the socks and bow ties.

Adam and I admired the evening and puzzled over the sprinklers (because that is what we do every summer) and wondered when the boys would be home.

Eventually Mark wandered out and said that Braeden had taken Anna home.  So we read scriptures and had a prayer with just him.

This was the view:

I decided golden linings are a thing.

Around here we don't need silver linings; we don't have dark clouds.  Maybe we need golden linings.  Maybe golden linings are for seismic shifts.  Maybe the golden linings are the reminders of what is real and what matters.  The golden linings are the pauses where you rest and remember that the Creator of the universe loves you and designed beautiful sunsets for you every night.  You just need to go outside and feel the breeze come off the mountain and enjoy the show.

Every seismic shift has a golden lining.

Top of the world

Yesterday I dragged a reluctant Mark on a walk with me.  We were walking on the trail by our house and met up with Sue, a lady in our ward who runs up there every day.  She was there for a walk with her dogs though.

Mark went home when we completed our initial loop but I continued on with Sue.

There comes a point in the trail where you can make a choice.

I had only ever gone on the trail on the right because I am not crazy and the steepness of that other hill is.

Well, Sue said, "Let's go up there."

And I guess peer pressure is still a thing when you're 46 because I said OK.

It was hard.  But I decided that hard was what I needed.  In the long list of to do's, I have not been exercising as much as I would like.  There always seem to be more pressing needs.

I went back this morning (earlier, so it wasn't as hot) and it was still hard.  My lungs and legs burn as I push up the last steep bit.  But the view is amazing.

 There's Provo to the south.

And Alpine and Lehi to the north.

And here's Pleasant Grove.

I want to go back tomorrow morning.

Hoarding

I am in deep with my curriculum.  First, I was working on drama lessons and now I've moved on to art lessons.  They are easier to find and more interesting to me.  My office looked something like a war zone yesterday afternoon when Anna and Braeden walked in to say good-bye.

Anna hadn't seen my office before and she said (because she is only ever polite), "What a nice room!"

I looked around at the chaos and said it was a reflection of my brain.

So many ideas.

Which ideas to choose and how to organize them has my mind spinning and also has me flinging books and papers around.

I don't even want to talk about how many tabs were open on my computer.

I started with kindergarten and it has come together.  I need toilet paper tubes for two separate projects we are going to do.  So I told my family, "Save toilet paper tubes!"

Adam wondered if I'm going to become a hoarder now.

The answer is yes.

Last night Adam and I were at Costco and I saw a man pushing a cart with a big Costco sized package of toilet paper and a big Costco sized package of paper towels.  I told Adam, "Maybe I should ask that guy to save the tubes for me."

Later, when we were home, I was upstairs and Adam called up to me, "Thelma!  Come quick!  Look at this!"

He said it such urgency that I thought either he was 1) bleeding or 2) half of the house had fallen over.  I went running down the stairs.

There he was holding a toilet paper tube.  "In the words of The Ghostbusters, 'we got one.'"

The spirit of Elijah

Behold, I will send you Elijah the prophet before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord: And he shall turn the heart of the fathers to the children and the heart of the children to the fathers...

Malachi 4:5-6 

All my life I've heard of the spirit of Elijah.  Until I started doing family history, I didn't know how real it is.

It's so real that yesterday afternoon when I was sort of cranky, I decided to do family history because I knew it would make me feel better.  (I also took a nap.)

On Thursday and Friday nights, Jennifer and three of her kids stayed with us as well as Kanigh, who is Luke's friend and teammate as well as my second cousin's son.

I couldn't help it.  At one point, I said, "Luke and Kanigh, come here."  I showed them some pictures in my stairwell.

I pointed to the top picture.  "These are your great grandparents," I said.  "That's Jim and Iris and they're your great grandparents, Kanigh.  And that's Harvey and Margaret, your great grandparents, Luke.  Harvey and Jim are brothers."

They both looked kind of stunned.

"Under that picture is David Dahl.  He's Harvey and Jim's dad.  He's your great great grandfather."  Then I pointed to the bottom picture.  These are David's parents.  So these are your great great great grandparents."

"Where did you get these pictures?" Kanigh asked, awed.  I looked up into the faces of these two certifiably sweet tall boys in their shorts and Nike elite socks, tired from a day of basketball tournament play.  I could see it.  They were touched by the spirit of Elijah.  You feel something when you connect even a little bit with your past.

I hadn't met Kanigh before his visit and we are pretty distantly related (second cousins once removed), but the pictures in my stairwell showed all of us that we are family.

Grateful Friday

We got to meet Anna's mom this week.  I loved it!  She came to dinner Tuesday night with Anna and Natalie.  Since Adam and Braeden were both in Arizona, business trip and EFY respectively (I guess they were both job related), Mark was the only male represented.  It stands to reason since Anna feels like such a perfect fit for our family, but I get the feeling if we were neighbors with her parents, we'd be the best of friends.  We have a lot in common starting with both living in the same apartment building in Provo--actually the same APARTMENT, to having our second children while living in Connecticut, to having a redhead son as the youngest in each family of three kids.  We also made homemade wipes (that we learned how to make at the same homemaking meeting in our Provo ward) and had the same model of exersaucer that Braeden and Anna bounced in.  (Anna noticed in pictures.) We had a lovely evening visiting.  Braeden is marrying into a great family.

**

*

Emma started her job this week at Western Governor's University.  She is working as a summer intern and is grateful to be earning the money she needs for her semester in France.  Also she said everyone is super nice.  Who can argue with that?

**

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Speaking of Emma, I'm grateful for her art prowess.  I'm working on my curriculum and want to feature artists and she helps me decide on which artists and categorize them and she knows way more than I do.

**

*

Adam is home from Phoenix!  I wasn't sure he was going to return.  He sweet talked his way into a pass at a baseball game that gave him access to anywhere in the stadium and I don't think he wanted to leave.  Also there was a Portillo's at the stadium.  Why would anyone want to go anywhere besides Portillo's?

**

*

I am loving my summer with Mark.  It has its bumps and rough spots as we adjust to the new normal and all, but he's plain enjoyable.

We were folding laundry side by side and I was quizzing him about a girl whose birthday party he was invited to.  I was trying to discover his interest in the girl.

He admitted he like would to take her on a date but that he didn't have a crush on her.

I said, "So she isn't your main squeeze?"

He said, "People talk about a main squeeze.  No one talks about a side squeeze."

I said, "So is she your side squeeze?"

"I prefer to think of it as an auxiliary squeeze."

**

*

Sometimes the pressure of all the things I have to do weighs me down (and makes me freak out.)  Mark was helping me straighten up the house and do the dishes.  He was in one of those rare moods our kids get in occasionally where they keep asking, "What do you want me to do now?"

I try to take full advantage of those times!

I said, "Thanks for helping me.  I feel less stressed."

He said, "That's good.  Because when you're less stressed I don't get into trouble as easily."

Like I would ever take out my stress on my kids by being cranky....

**

*

I'm grateful for learning what I don't have time for.

I puzzled way too long over napkin choices for the wedding reception.  I decided I had never had any impression favorable or otherwise about napkins at any wedding I'd ever been at and I just ordered some already.  (I was telling my parents about this and my dad said I didn't think about napkins because I don't have a mustache.  He is not wrong.)

I unfollowed someone on Facebook who said something that 1) offended me and 2) was not true.  I thought for 20 seconds that I should respond with righteous indignation but I decided I don't have time for even worrying about it.  Just unfollow and move on.

I was changing sheets for houseguests and the fitted sheet was off white and the top sheet was white and this kind of stuff normally MATTERS to me, but I just shrugged.  I didn't have time to go hunt for the matching sheets.  The sheets were clean.  Good enough.

So in seasons of stress and busy-ness, it is freeing to let it go sometimes.

I am learning that.

**

*

Braeden is coming home tomorrow!  It will be nice to have that kid around!  (I mean, he will mostly be spending time with Anna but I will see him occasionally.)

Mesa Verde

How we love a good National Park (and they're all so good!).  We fell in love since we've moved to Utah.

We go out of our way for National Parks now.

Mesa Verde was out of our way but WORTH IT.

This is not a great picture snapped as we rounded a curve heading up the mesa.  It was a breathtaking view any way you looked.

We ate a picnic lunch at a table underneath a tree.  I remember laughing a lot--to the point that I thought we were maybe annoying the park ranger sitting at a table across the way--but I can't remember now what we were laughing about.

Even if I did remember, it probably wouldn't be that funny anymore.  That's just how it goes.

In preparation for our little hike to Cliff Palace, our park ranger, who Emma named Gar-bear (His name tag said Gary), gave us a lecture about how difficult the climb was and how we needed to drink lots of water and be in optimal health to even attempt it.  He said it was all the harder since we were at 7000 feet.

He said, "If you have a head-ache, I don't want you to go."

I'd had a headache for a week/weeks/a month?  Also, the hike was 3/4 of a mile, round trip.  I felt like we could handle it.

Gar-bear was a bit of an alarmist.  It wasn't that hard.  What it was was amazing.

It felt unreal.  Below, the picture has some people in it, for scale.

This picture doesn't show scale, just a cute red head.

This is a picture from the other side.

We climbed about 100 feet vertically back up to the top on ladders.  All I could think about was how people raised children there.  They didn't have ladders.  You could see the toe holds they used to climb.

It was pretty incredible.

We headed for home, stopping in Monticello to see the first little temple that was built.

It is smaller than the church next to it.  

Also, being in Monticello and realizing how remote it is made me appreciate the blessing that little temple is to this community and the surrounding area.

I was happy to get back to Utah.  The red rocks in southern Utah speak to my soul.  Driving through Moab and Green River, I felt buoyed up.  The beauty and variety of the earth keep on amazing me.

Maybe the boost in my spirits is what Utah's slogan, "Life elevated" means.

Denver to Durango

Thursday we headed to Durango.  Adam had a phone call to take before we left the hotel.  The kids and I (haphazardly, in anticipation of Adam repacking with his tetris skills) had loaded everything in the car.  While we waited, Mark and I pulled out our phones.  Emma's phone was in the car.

So she created her own phone (complete with cool secrets that make everyone else jealous):

There's no way to define or explain Emma.

She is just Emma.  She's this witty and restrained bridge between her more clamorous brothers.  She completes us all.

Adam was involved in other phone calls so I drove a lot of the day.  It was mostly two lane winding roads through the Rockies.  That wouldn't be terrible (it was astoundingly beautiful) but we kept getting stuck behind really slow drivers.  They would be going 40 in a 65.  It was killing me.  They couldn't have been transporting wedding cakes.  Not on that road and for that long.  The only explanation is that they were in a vast conspiracy Colorado has to entrap drivers.  They had signs posted to report aggressive drivers.  First they make you aggressive by planting the most frustrating drivers imaginable then you take risks passing them and voila!  Aggressive driving.

It's a working theory.  I didn't actually get a ticket.

There was also road construction.  So. Much. Road. Construction.  One of the times we were stopped for an interminable time for a one way road situation, Emma came up with a story about Helen and Frankie in front of us though.  ("Helen" kept getting out of the car for snacks in the back of their car.)

If you're going on a road trip, take Emma.  That is the takeaway.

We finally made it to Durango.  We parked next to this store:

Who knew the cosmic center of my universe was in Durango?

Durango was a nice little town with a churning brown river (all the water we saw was churning brown this time of year).  We went out for magnificent Mexican food and enjoyed a relaxing evening.  (Mark and Adam swam some more.)

We also got tickets in Durango for a Cliff Palace tour in Mesa Verde National Park the next day.

More on that later....

Denver

Last Tuesday night Mark and I flew to Denver.  It was kind of awful.  My navigation skills were really showing off their need for remediation at the airport and I hate flying anyway.  I always forget that I hate flying and I book a trip and think, Sure, great.  Then I get ready for the airport and remember I have to do the whole airport thing which is the worst.

Every time I am in the airport security line, I hate the terrorists just a little more.

Also, traveling with Mark + diabetes showcased another part of life I am fumbling at:  figuring out carb counts.  Mark can only eat the carbs he takes insulin for so there's lots of math and figuring out at every meal.

(Finally on the last night of our trip, I just texted Enoch and asked him for the carb count for a burrito and rice and beans at a hole in the wall Mexican restaurant.  The fact that he quick-texted back the carbs gives me hope that we'll figure this out!)

We made it to the gate (the correct one finally) and onto the plane.  I read my book and started to feel like everything would be OK.

Then Adam and Emma picked us up at the airport and being with Adam again righted me.

I love that guy.

We went to our fancy-schmancy hotel.  Fancy schmancy hotels we would never stay at otherwise are definitely a perk of Adam's jobs over the years.

We stayed at the Gaylord Rockies.  Wednesday morning, Adam was working and Mark and Emma and I explored the hotel.

This was the lobby:

Mark was, as always, ready to swim.  "So...is that the pool?" he asked.

Emma said, "It's the challenge level."

The chairs down there at the bottom give you an idea of how massive it was.

It kind of felt like what Disney would do if there was a Colorado Adventure instead of a California Adventure.

I enjoyed my time with Emma and Mark.  We went to the grocery store and to Wendy's for lunch (any place that posts their nutrition info online is a friend of ours.)

This was at the road perpendicular to the hotel:

Have they found that lots of people were just heading off into that field, thinking it was a road?

Safety first, Colorado.

Also, notice the skyline.  Emma called the flat prairie to the east, The Void.  It made her uneasy.

Here's the view from our hotel room:

Emma didn't even like to look out that way.

After our lunch excursion, we went to the pool.  In a rare turn of events, I actually went for a little swim.  It was sunny and warm and not too hot and extremely pleasant to sit poolside with my book.  Emma rescued a ladybug from the water and held it carefully on her finger until it dried off enough to make its escape.

Once Adam returned for the evening, we went to dinner then hit the store again because we excel at forgetting things.  We went to the pool again and Adam swam with the kids and I read my book.

After, the kids stayed at the room and Adam and I went for a walk.  He showed me the entire wing of the hotel where I hadn't been where his conference was held.

It's always interesting for me to join Adam on trips and hear him interact with people he works with.  It's like a little window into his work life which is so different from anything in my life.

I always am reminded of how hard he works and how smart he is.  Good reminders.

Father's Day

In church yesterday a speaker read this.  It's from a Mormon Message in 2013.  I love it.  

I'm awake.

I remember Him.

I gaze upon them before I part. They lie in their bed, unaware of me watching. I leave. They sleep.

The small home I help provide is their world. They play. They explore--learning to move, to feel, to see, to know--not once thinking of how it all came to be.

Crayons, toys, books--it's all for them.

The fridge opens, the pantry exposed. They expect food to be there. Not a thought. Not a doubt. Just hunger.

Cereal, milk, yogurt, messy fingers, messy faces--all fed. Tummies are full. Now it's nap time. My wife likes nap time.

Once again they lie in the comfort we provide--all while I work. I'm far but close, always thinking of them.

My phone rings. I only hear breathing. I smile. My wife's phone is now missing. I do it all for them.

I work that they may grow. They trust so deeply. How I yearn to do the same.

They see so little of how it all came to be--never questioning, only trusting. I come home to second hugs. Now I'm a horse.

We eat dinner, brush teeth. Jammie time. Finally it's bedtime.

Once again they lay their heads on the pillows we provide.

I will be their protector. I will be their gentle friend. I will be my wife's faithful husband. I am a father.

I am also a son. And while I may not understand all that He does for me, I do know that all that I am and all that I have is because He's a father to me.

I now stand very aware of how it all came to be.

The good men in my life have also taught me more about Heavenly Father.  My father worked and provided so I didn't have to think about food or shelter or opportunity.  I was just given it.  Adam works and provides.  I think I probably am more aware of his work than my dad's and I take it for granted less, but still, I take it for granted.  What a luxury to be able to take things like that for granted!

There is always food in the pantry.  There is someone to answer the really tough questions.  There is an anchor for me and also for our kids.

They have taught me about Heavenly Father.  I have a Father who loves me and provides me with what I need--even when what I need are tough mortal experiences that try me and teach me lessons I didn't know I wanted or needed.

I am grateful for good men and good fathers.

Adam and Braeden

me, Olivia, my dad, Marianne

Braeden and Linn

Linn and Mark

Mark and Mark

Adam and Mark

Adam and Emma

Me, Braeden, Grandpa Dahl, and Grandma Dahl

Grandma Jaynes, holding me; Grandpa Jaynes holding Marianne

Linn, Emma, Jackson and Kain

Braeden, Adam and Emma

There's no price tag you can put on good men being good fathers.

Angst, but a vacation

Yesterday and today I have professional development training.  It is a mix of wow this is boring and doesn't apply to me and wow I am in over my head and wow this is amazing and I can't believe how lucky I am that this is my job.

Also, weirdly, when I saw the teachers at my school it sort of felt like when you are at the temple and see someone from your ward.  Kind of comforting and exciting all at once.

I guess none of us knew professional development days could elicit such emotions in me.

But then, I'm an emotional person.

(Mark told me recently that I am only embarrassing myself when I cry.  He legit meant it to comfort me.)

Speaking of Mark.  Yesterday I left him lots of loving notes and reminders of what I expected him to do in my absence.

He did like 10% of it.

This morning's note is longer and hopefully more believable.

I really mean it kid.

Speaking of me and my angst, can we talk about this?

The people who used to own our house didn't do a change of address form at the post office like normal people do when they move.  There were months of mail for them that arrived here.  It has definitely tapered off, but this envelope arrived for their daughter and it looks like a greeting card/invitation/announcement of some description.

We've lived here almost 5 years!

If after five years, you don't know where someone lives, I don't think you need to send them anything.

But I dutifully wrote not at this address and put it back in the mailbox.  It feels like a social contract and I'm a rule follower.

Mark and I are leaving on a jet plane tonight.  I decided not to take my laptop even though there is plenty for me to do in the curriculum planning department.  I'm declaring a vacation.

Marianne is the only one who gets cranky when I don't blog and she's going to Hong Kong...maybe she's there by now?...probably not, it's a long trip.

With her gone, I feel like I have a free pass here.

See you on the flip side.

Up and down and all around

It was an exciting weekend.  If by exciting you mean getting texts like this:

Braeden was at EFY with a bunch of his boys.  The boys decided to jump in the elevator which turns out can be a really bad idea.  They did a little free fall, then got stuck.

Braeden didn't jump with them but he also didn't stop them because he's pretty laid back like that. (The EFY counselors are more mature and wise than their charges, but just.)

So there they were for 40 minutes.  One of the boys started freaking out and crying and Braeden brought him over next to him and got all the boys singing hymns together to pass the time.

Alls well that ends well.  And I'm guessing they won't be jumping in elevators again any time soon.

I picked Braeden up early Saturday morning from BYU.  I quickly washed a few of his shirts and then we headed to SLC to the airport where he left for two weeks of EFY in Flagstaff.  It was a nice little shot of goodness to be around Braeden briefly.

Emma was working and Adam and I took Mark to lunch to celebrate his half birthday which is today, but Adam is gone.  The lunch conversation was all about Marvel movies which I haven't watched.  I tried to watch Dr. Strange once but I just can't get into them.

Adam and Mark dropped me off at home and they went to go get Mark a new phone.  His old one, a hand me down, has been struggling in various ways.  Usually Mark has been given the phones that Adam or I handed down to Braeden or Emma, who in turn handed them down to Mark.  For the first time Mark has a new to him phone. I don't think he's stopped grinning.

The three of us repotted Felicia.  I was nervous about it but we all survived.  She is as tall as I am now and she makes me happy.

Saturday night when I was in my pajamas, Adam and I decided to go to the store.   I had layered yoga pants and a sweatshirt over my pjs and we were just going to Walmart.  I decided I'd fit right in.

Emma realized she'd left her phone at work.

So we went there first for the phone.  Then Target right's by the theater so we decided to go there instead of Walmart.  I had felt OK about Walmart; I felt a little less confident about the box office at the theater or Target, but what can you do?

Yesterday Anna and Natalie (her sister) came for dinner.  Desi is en route to Hong Kong with her family and Braeden is in Flagstaff so our numbers were depleted.  I asked Anna how Braeden was doing because I knew she would have heard from him more than we had.

We had a nice afternoon with the Carlson girls then they headed back to Provo and Adam and Emma packed up and headed to Denver.  Mark and I are joining them later in the week.

In the eleventh hour, we remembered Emma's fish and Heather agreed to feed him this week.

There's a reason I'm not a pet person.

Grateful Friday

Today I'm grateful for:

All the birds outside

It feels like there are more than usual and they are beautiful.  Maybe all the rain has made a nice place for them to be.  With everything so green and fragrant, I feel like it's a nice place for me to be.

Big kids

We make plans together; they are helpful.  I enjoy being with them.

Friends

Yesterday Nola and I were chatting across the cul-de-sac.  Mark and I had just arrived home from our walk and she was heading out to jump rope (she's clearly more energetic than I am).  She offered help for the wedding (she was already on my list of people to ask, but she also offered her fridge which I hadn't thought of).  She told me about the lunch they hosted after her son's wedding last summer.  They had forgotten cups so sent someone to Wal-mart.  She told me about her friends' wedding last week that was in a lovely garden but then rained out.  She said everyone grabbed food and they ran inside.  She said, "But it was fine because everyone loved each other and we were together."

That feels so profound.

It is comforting when contemplating mishaps at a wedding, but also just life.

Every single day in our home it is fine because everyone loves each other and we are together.  I LOVE THAT!

Last night Adam and I went over to our friends, the Glenns.  Warren is going on the high adventure campout later this month.  I have twin desires of not letting Mark go because I'm terrified and not telling Mark he can't go.

So you see the conflict.

I have been having nightmares about it.

We sat down with Warren and Susan and told them all about the diabetes care and concerns.  Warren told us all about the activities.  He gave us a preliminary list of food they were planning.  Susan suggested the four of us go food shopping together.  "It can be a date night," she said.  I felt their love and compassion and willingness to support Mark.

Last night I had a dream about a hydrangea.  As in, where in our yard should I put this hydrangea?

I call that progress.

Adam

Tonight all the kids are busy with other things.  That means time with Adam.  I have zero preference what we do as long as we're together (until he starts suggesting things, then I may say, "No, not that....")

Amendment

After an exceptionally rainy and cool spring, summer weather has arrived.  I turned on the AC and sprinklers.  Yesterday Marianne called and asked me how my summer was going.  I said, "Not great."  But I had been on the phone with our insurance company, which despite their kindness, is soul deadening, staring down a pile of paper on my desk and spinning my wheels with wedding plans.  It was an unfair assessment of my summer.  I need to amend my statement.

Summer has been treating me pretty well.

Waiting rooms + insomnia have afforded me more chances to read.  I finished a book at 4:00 AM that was a complete cliff hanger.  When I was telling Emma about it, I accidentally said cliff ender.

I think it's a better description so I'm sticking with it.

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Last night Adam and Emma and I sat on the deck and watched the sunset and Emma played a few songs on the guitar she wrote.  She sang along and her voice is mesmerizing.  And how does a person just make up melodies anyway?  That feels impossible to me.

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Mark and I have been taking a walk together every morning.  We talk the whole time but I have no idea what we talk about.  It's just an easy walk with a boy who's easy to be with.

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Braeden called yesterday and he's enjoying EFY.  He said it's better than last year.  And he loved last year, so who can argue with that?

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Both kids were gone last night and I had a 6:00 meeting so Adam and I ate dinner together after.  He'll forever be the one for me.

Reality

Things have been hard.  This has been a season of upheaval and bad news and overwhelm.  It feels like most days, my plans are thwarted by some crisis or another (usually a minor but time consuming crisis) and for a task oriented planner like myself, that is the worst.

I had high hopes for these days.  I was going to be Productive (with a capital P).  I was going to fix everything that needed fixing and everyone who needed fixing.

I haven't.

Every day I have needed to confront the disconnect between my expectations and reality.

It has also occurred to me that I need to confront another reality.

That is the reality of how good things really are.  For one thing, I have the best husband in the world. How could I ever feel unhappy or frustrated when that is my reality?  He's the kind of person who makes me promise I'll wake him up when I can't sleep in the middle of the night.  (Because most nights I can't.)  And he means it.  He pulls himself from sleep and pulls me into the circle of his arms and makes me feel better.

I also have pretty great kids.  They aren't the perfect people I envisioned they would be when they were infants, but in a lot of ways, they exceeded my imagination.  I'm blessed to be their mother.

The other day, I was doing family history with Marie Louise.  She is fantastic.  She is this delightful mix of stiff upper lip British, fun-loving Australian and an experienced mother from the trenches.  She told me about her recent experiences in the temple and it was exactly what I needed to hear.

I'm grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  Lately, when I've been reading and studying, I wonder, "But does this apply to me?"

It does.

Liberty

Saturday we had the great pleasure of going to the temple with Liberty who is preparing to serve a mission in the Arkansas Bentonville mission.  To know Liberty is to love her.  She is sweet and good and kind and talented and helpful and beautiful all wrapped into one person.

Here is our group after the temple.  Adam was home recovering from a cold so he wasn't with us.  I loved that my grandma was there too.  She worked in the Jordan River temple for 15 years and that has always mattered to me.  I remember staying with her for a week during the summers and she would leave before we woke up some days to go to the temple.

When I went to the temple for the first time (the evening before our wedding) it was in the Jordan River Temple.  My grandma was there.  It was like she was my tour guide in her native land.

Saturday, in the session we were on, I happened to be seated behind Marianne and Liberty and Anna.  Desi was next to me and my mom and grandma were behind me.

My kinswoman.

Speaking of, here are the pillars that hold me up, my sisters:

I was the only one wearing heels.

Below is Liberty pictured with the cute kids who went to the baptistry while the rest of us were on our session.  Mark and Morgan baptized their sisters and each other.  I can't tell you how much I love that.

They were finished before we were and not knowing Grandma Jaynes was in the temple with us, decided to go visit her.  I had the keys to our van with me, but the Johnson's van was unlocked (which is a good thing because the keys were in it).

None of them knew exactly where Grandma Jaynes lived but Emma remembered Winchester Street, Carolina remembered there was a Chick-fil-a and Morgan remembered there was a loop on the freeway nearby.  They used google maps and triangulated a location.

They're pretty smart; even though Grandma wasn't home, they found her house.

Books I read in spring 2019

Since I want to document what I read (or I forget) and my reading has been going at a snail's pace, I decided to group everything I read this spring into one post.  Here's hoping I read more in the summer.

Becoming by Michelle Obama ***

I was intrigued by this book.  Even though she's a bit older than I am, her children were born about the same time as mine were.  It was fascinating to compare the vast differences in our experience.  Her childhood in Chicago and life in the White House were nothing like anything I've lived.  I liked that the book wasn't super political.  At the end, she launched into a list of everything they had accomplished and since I was listening to the book, I just started pushing skip.  I wasn't as interested in hearing how great she thought they were.  I probably wouldn't be interested in anyone telling me a list of how great they were.

Little Fires Everywhere by Celeste Ng ***

We read this one for book club.  Set in Shaker Heights, Ohio, this book centers around a wealthy family and their tenant/housekeeper.  It's mainly about mothers and daughters and really covered it all:  abortion, abandonment, adoption, dysfunction, surrogate motherhood.

It was chock full of unlikable characters who led self-destructive lives (and sometimes were destructive to other people).  It led to a rollicking book club discussion.  Quite often I have a different opinion than most people in my book club.  They thought the author had an agenda and was trying to make us sympathize with one of the characters.  I felt like the character was so awful, who would sympathize with her?

The book did keep me interested the whole time though.

Where the Crawdads Sing by Delia Owens****

Loved this one!  It was part coming of age story, part murder mystery.  Set in the swamp on the North Carolina coast, a girl is abandoned at a young age and with some help from friends, manages to raise herself.  The swamp was basically one of the characters in the story and I loved how immersive it was.  Also, even though I had my suspicions, I didn't know until the end who the murderer actually was.

The Twenty One Balloons by William Pene du Bois **

This is a Newbery book and I thought it was OK.  It's about a man who is a retired math teacher.  He uses his savings and sets out on a hot air balloon journey to go around the world.  He ends up on Krakatoa, discovering a civilization there.  Then the volcano erupts.  The story was pretty good and I think kids would like it but it was really heavy on engineering details that didn't interest me.  I kept thinking my dad or Mark would like that part.

Clock Dance by Anne Tyler ****

How I love Anne Tyler!  No one writes characters like she does.  They are delightfully quirky and real.  This was a great book.  There were a few vignettes at the beginning about the main character's childhood/young adulthood that felt sort of random because they never figured into the main part of the story.  I still loved it.  It's about a woman in her 60s who feels like she's at loose ends and sort of creates her own family.

Everyone Brave is Forgiven by Chris Cleave ****

This was another book club book.  I thought it was great and lots of people in my book club did not.  (Do I just have a book club full of haters?  I don't know.  I still love them.)  This book is set in London during World War II.  It's about a young wealthy woman who wants to join the war effort and becomes a teacher.  When all the children are evacuated except the "unwanted"--either for racial reasons or because they're disabled--she still teaches them.  Some of the characters are also soldiers fighting in the war.  It was tragic so if you're looking for a happy read, keep looking.