Stalwart and brave

I just got back from a walk with Marianne (Olivia was busy).  We saw Hannah and Aunt Olivia and hugged and chatted a minute.  I have run out of ways to say how much I love it here.

Yesterday Marianne and Olivia and I walked on the bridle path along Boulder Creek.  We were talking about rings and I mentioned the ring my dad had made me on the occasion of my first date. Olivia said, “What?!?  He didn’t make me anything for my first date!”  

Marianne said, “He made me a necklace for my first date.”

Olivia said, “What?!?”

I said, “I guess you’re not his favorite like you always think you are.”

We stopped at my dad’s because I had to use the bathroom.  We walked in the door and I called, “Hi Daddy!  I need to use the bathroom and Olivia has a bone to pick with you.”

When I came out of the bathroom, Olivia was sketching on a piece of paper how she wants my dad to fashion her ring, which broke, into a pendant for a necklace.  She said that would make up for not getting first date jewelry.

I know my dad loves us, but collectively, we are kind of a lot.

My phone has ceased to get along with Adam’s iPad so I can’t add a picture of the statue I got from my mother.  It had been my grandma’s. (On the bottom, my grandma had written Coralee so that it got to its rightful place.) It is a statue of a woman kneeling in prayer.   Both of my grandmas actually used to have the exact same statue (my Aunt Olivia has Grandma Dahl’s).  

 I love the statue because it reminds me of my childhood and visiting my faithful grandmothers.  They were women who prayed.  I love that the statue was passed to my mom and then to me.  My grandma taught my mom to pray and she passed that to me.

Firm as the mountains around us, stalwart and brave they stand on the rock our [mothers] planted for us in the goodly land.

I have been feeling incredibly grateful for my life and all the blessings I have because my grandparents taught my parents and they taught me.  I don’t deserve any of it, but I feel very lucky to have landed where I did.  I feel motivated to follow the examples they left.  I don’t want to let them down.  I don’t want to live below their expectations.

I also miss my mom so much it hurts.  Going through her things is like reopening a wound.  There is also a sting of finality about it.  We have questions.  We want to know more about everything she knew about.  I don’t know what to do about the questions.  Where did you get this?  What is the story behind that?

I was looking at the things I brought home yesterday.  There are valuable pieces of jewelry that were my grandma’s, there are beautiful silver pieces my dad engraved, there are all sorts of things anyone would treasure as well as things that are treasures to only us.

One thing I have is a little tool my mom used for quilting.  I picked it up off the table when it was my turn to pick something.  

I would give anything to spend an afternoon quilting with my mom.

My eulogy for my mother

 In Salt Lake City, Utah, on April 2, 1949, Coralee Jaynes was born to Homer Warren Jaynes, Jr. and Thelma Louise Wood Jaynes. When she was two years old, they moved to Nevada.  My mother was the oldest of five children.  Her brothers Warren, Richard, Fred and sister Mary have always been an important part of her life. From a young age, her hard working parents taught them to work and to serve.  At first her family lived in Starr Valley and Coralee rode the same bus to Wells to go to school as our dad.  When she was in elementary school, her grandpa wrote a teasing message in her autograph book about “that Dahl boy.”  She cried until he changed it.  When she was 12 years old, her family moved to Wells.  While she was waiting for her younger sister, Mary, to grow up and become a friend, she developed close relationships with her cousins and made many lifelong friends at school.  Eventually, she came around to “that Dahl boy,” and she and my dad became high school sweethearts.  

After high school, she went to BYU where she studied accounting and our dad went to cow camp and served a mission.  In 1970, they were married in the Salt Lake Temple.  They lived in Provo briefly while my mom finished her degree.  From there, they moved back to Starr Valley, where they have made their home ever since.

Our mother loved accounting and passed the CPA exam, but her greatest desire was to be a full-time wife and mother. Our dad worked as a cowboy and eventually a silversmith and bit and spur maker.  Through the ups and downs of starting a business and being a starving artist, she stood shoulder to shoulder with our dad, with support and encouragement.  Their marriage is the kind of partnership I aspire to.

She blessed her children’s lives by giving her full attention to raising them. Our mother was a natural-born teacher.  She taught us to love books with hours of read aloud time nestled by her on the couch or in the car while our dad drove.  She taught us poetry and art appreciation and piano lessons and she taught my sisters and me to bake bread and to sew and quilt.  It’s not her fault that I’m not a good seamstress because she tried.

A big proponent of “work before play” and “any job worth doing is worth doing well,” she taught us to work. 

Our mother homeschooled my brothers and Olivia for parts or all of elementary school.  I think she would have homeschooled all of us if she’d had the idea earlier. She applied the tenacity and strong will she brought to everything else in her life to homeschooling.  Following her example, many of us have homeschooled our own children.  I know my mother never would have traded the extra time with her children she was gifted by homeschooling. 

Later, when we were mostly grown, our mother became a business teacher at Wells High School.  It was kind of a good news/bad news situation for my brothers who were still in high school.  She was there to witness their shenanigans.  Later, she enjoyed working as an accountant in Elko at McMullin McPhee.

Through all the busyness she surrounded herself with, she somehow found time to make wedding and graduation quilts for her children and baby blankets, receiving blankets, graduation afghans, doll blankets and doll clothes for her grandchildren.  It often seemed to me like my mother had an inexhaustible store of energy.  When our youngest baby was born, she came to stay with us and help.  She took excellent care of us, cooking and cleaning and tending to all of us. With all of that work, she still had my husband, Adam, drive her to the craft store to get a project because she needed more to do.

Coralee served in various positions as a member of the Church, including a mission in Nauvoo. She and my dad dressed in period clothing, (which was basically my dad’s regular clothing).  My dad worked with the horses and they both gave tours and participated in shows.  As in every stage of their lives, they made dear friends through that service.

She loved serving on the committee that wrote the Humboldt Stake History.  She was also thrilled to be part of the Elko Temple Committee. Temple attendance was an important part of her life. When we were growing up and going to Salt Lake to visit my grandma, have our braces tightened, or shop for school clothes, serving in the temple was always part of the trip for my parents.  Since the dedication of the Elko temple and as long as her health allowed it, my parents had a standing weekly temple appointment.  My mom would get teary whenever she talked about the blessing it was to have a temple so close.

Her most cherished roles were wife, mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother. She strived to connect with all of her grandchildren.  When the oldest were small, there was a Grandma Party every summer.  She had tea parties and made waffles with granddaughters and mailed her best paper airplanes to Boston after he moved to Oregon.  Once grandchildren graduated from high school, they got a weekly email from her.

She took every opportunity to teach her grandchildren, regardless of her circumstances. She taught piano lessons, keyboarding, computers, crochet, and accounting lessons, either in person or virtually.  During covid, she offered virtual lessons to anyone interested.  When our youngest son, Mark, decided to take accounting lessons, our other two children cautioned him that Grandma’s lessons were really hard.  They weren’t wrong, but her teaching blessed all of their lives.  

The best instruction she gave us was her example of righteous devotion.  Our mother taught us the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  

When faced with discouragement, she knew where to go for help.  She had some small, yellowed with age, pieces of paper with quotes on them.  Sometimes they were tacked to the wall by the washing machine and sometimes they were in a drawer, but they became part of who she was.  Both quotes are from Elder George Q Cannon.

In 1864, he said:

I know that everything will be overruled for our good if we do right.  No matter how difficult circumstances may be to bear at the time, they are for our good, and God watches over us; His angels are round about us all the time.

In 1884, he said:

Therefore, however dark the prospects may be, however gloomy, let us remember that He who sits on high knows our condition, and that He can deliver us.

Her faith in and desire to follow Jesus Christ was a blessing to everyone around her.  These past several years, as she experienced the effects of her cancer and treatments, her faith and courage lifted me.  I had the chance to spend a week with her in Carson City a few years ago when she went there for treatment. Ever the teacher and wanting to enrich my life, she had brought a brochure about historical homes in Carson City she thought we might want to learn about while we were there.  It felt like the most Coralee Dahl thing she could have done.  At her treatment sessions, she was friends with all the other patients and knew their stories. I will always remember watching her walk into those appointments.  She had her oxygen in tow and I knew and she knew that the treatment wasn’t going to be easy, but she squared her shoulders and walked resolutely, never shrinking.  I recall thinking, she is the strongest person I know.

She constantly expressed her faith and trust in the Lord.  She repeated over and over, “This life isn’t the reward, it’s the test.”

Her final teaching to all of us is the most important one.  Like Helaman’s stripling warriors, we have been taught by our mother.

We do not doubt our mother knew it.

I know, like my mother, that Heavenly Father loves us.  I know Jesus is the Christ.  I know that because of temple covenants we can be together forever.  I have never been more grateful for that truth.

Happy/Sad Weekend

Happy/sad. That's my best way to describe the weekend.  So many times, I thought how much my mom would love whatever we were doing, all being together.  Why wasn't she there?!?  I wanted to tell her about things.  My sisters and Ammon and Melanee and Adam convened at one point to write thank you notes and when there were addresses we didn't know, the most natural thing in the world was to think that we needed to ask my mom.

We just have a big hole left behind.  We will miss her so much.

It's also been the opposite side of sadness, even joyful at times.  Our kids all arrived around noon on Saturday and it was so good to see all of them.  Adam and I went outside with QE.  She fell in the ditch.  Tromped through the lilacs bushes that are bare and scratchy right now and got tiny sticks in her hair.  We explored on the other side of the garage and I showed her where the chicken coop was when I was a little girl. She stepped into a badger hole--luckily I was holding her hand.  She lost her shoe in the hole, which I retrieved.  Then she was Cinderella and the shoe fit so Adam gave her a ride in his cart.

She is the perfect girl for here.  She is utterly unfazed by Nevada.  It won't be long before I teach her how to cross a barbed wire fence.  These are skills an adventurous Nevada girl needs--even if she only visits occasionally.

A little later in the afternoon, a bunch of family came over to visit.  I pulled out the snacks Molly and Ami gave me on our birthday, which was a perfect gift from them.  I don't think I can remember one thing we talked about, but it was good to be together.

That night we had dinner at Marianne's.  The Knudsens, our dear family friends, orchestrated it.  They brought pulled pork, a big pan of macaroni and cheese, chips and homemade salsa, coleslaw, and the most amazing rolls.  Other people brought desserts.  We were well fed!  Our aunt Mary and uncle Steve, uncle Richard and aunt Launa, and uncle Fred and our cousin Jenny came too.  Mary brought two big containers of her homemade chocolate chip cookies because that is her calling card.  It was another great evening of being together.  When dear Hannah delivered her desserts, she brought each of us a beautifully wrapped present with a wind chime inside.

At one point I was sitting with my brothers, just crying about our mom.

Happy/sad.

Saturday we went to the church and set up the guest book and a few things.  We were kind of waiting for things to start and Tabor said, "I don't know how to do this.  I never wanted to know how to do this."

Nevertheless.

We had an hour of visitation in the Relief Society room.  It was packed.  All my dad's siblings came, Aunt Jennifer from as far away as Austin, Texas!  My mom's siblings were there as well as some of both of their cousins.  We had so many cousins there!  It was incredible to me.  Sweet Leslie came from Montana, Jason from Kansas, Lincoln from Arizona.  Many came from around Nevada and Idaho and Utah.  It meant the world to me.  We hugged and cried together and I thanked them for coming and they said they wouldn't have missed it.

You can take your sliced bread or any other inventions.  Cousins were the best idea ever.

My siblings and our spouses sat on the front row of the chapel with our dad.  Edgar said the family prayer before the funeral and then Robert said the opening prayer of the funeral and Adam the closing.  I loved having them participate.  Jennifer and Katie and Melanee participated too, in more behind the scenes, but meaningful ways.  My mom loved our spouses.  She never placed her own children in a different category than our spouses.  I am grateful we all married well.

My siblings and I each spoke.  I was given the eulogy as my task, so I was first.  I was glad to be first, then I could enjoy listening to their talks more.  (I will add my eulogy to my blog because I want to remember it and it is easier to find here than in my chaotic Google Drive. Maybe I'll add it another day; I have a feeling this will be too long.) 

I felt so much love for my brothers and sisters and our parents during their talks.  I also felt grateful for the Plan of Salvation and the fact that I know we will all be together again.  My parents taught me that, but then I have had the Spirit confirm it to me.  I know what I know and I can't imagine how much harder this would be without that knowledge.

Also at the funeral, the grandchildren sang two songs.  One was "I Know that my Savior Loves Me," which was our mom's favorite primary song.  A smaller group, the ones who committed to learning parts, sang a medley that Emma had arranged of "Where Can I Turn for Peace" and "It is Well With My Soul."  I loved hearing all those talented kids.

After the funeral, I saw my stellar second cousin Katelin.  She was heading up the dinner where they were feeding all of us afterward.  She said she had enjoyed the funeral and it made her want to, "go home and be a better person."

I said, "Me too."

Hearing about my mom only makes me want to be more like her.

We drove to Starr Valley and gathered in a pretty spot near some trees behind the little building.  Edgar and his boys had dug a hole for the beautiful little box that held my mom's ashes.  My dad dedicated the grave, then placed the box inside.  He had one of the gold colored shovels from the Elko Temple groundbreaking (which meant a lot to me because of how much my mom loved that temple).  He and my brothers covered the little box and filled in the hole.  It was beautiful to me and very much in keeping with my dad's independent and can really do anything personality.  

I can tell the deep wells of his grief, but he is also so strong. 

We took a picture and my dad told me to stand in the front.  I said, "Why do I have to stand in the front?"

One of my brothers said, "Because you're short." (I was wearing chunky platform heels.  I'm still short.)

Mariann, Olivia, Ammon, our dad, me, Enoch and Tabor

Pictures are hard.  People are looking all different directions, but I love these people so much.

They are anchors in my life.  Tall ones.  Maybe I should call them pillars in my life.

We went back to the church for another delicious meal provided by good people.  I sat at a table with cousins.  Margaret, Catherine, Ira, Lincoln, Hannah, Mica, Sarah and Leslie.  It was a happy spot.  One thing we talked about was how close my dad and his siblings were.  We decided it was an inspiration to us to be close to our siblings and also a huge comfort that they have each other.

Olivia came and joined us later, saying she wanted to be at the cool kids table.

Lincoln asked me if I remembered when I was a little girl and used to come to their house and say, "L-l-l-l-ets play house."

I said I didn't remember that.  

Margaret said, "I remember playing army and you were always the general."

Lincoln said, "Well, of course I was."

We gathered at Olivia's for the thank you note writing then we had dinner again at Marianne's.  We called it a faith dinner in our planning.  We were thinking we'd have leftovers from everything and just decided to have faith that we would.  It all worked out and we had more than enough food.

We left kind of early because I was exhausted.  Chemo effects keep their hold, but I think it is loosening.  I am planning to get better every day (and hopefully my body will cooperate).

Sunday we had a lovely Palm Sunday Easter service in the Wells ward.  I told Adam that I was not going to cry that day.  I said, "My eyes can't take it."

I didn't do well with that resolve.

Grief and love and gratitude are all swimming around inside me and come out my eyes.

After church Desi and Liberty and Liliana made a lovely meal for us.  They are much like their mothers which is the best compliment I can give those charming and capable girls.  It was nice to visit some more, then we had a little Easter program, guided by Marianne.  She had these beautiful reminders of events.

Robert laid them in a line on the floor after everyone shared their scriptures about them. 

It is fitting this one has a baby blanket and a knee in the frame.  We were very cozy because there are a lot of us.

At the end, We knelt together and prayed as a family.  There was a mass food giveaway:  who will take this?!?  Then I hugged a lot and cried some more as we said our good-byes.

I am grateful for my family and for all of the really, really good people who showed so much love and support.  And I am grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

Now I need to remember how to be a third grade teacher.

The loudest decibel

 I have been tasked with delivering the eulogy at my mother's funeral.  I spent a good part of yesterday working on it. 

If you think I'll be able to give it without crying, you're wrong.

I need to figure out how to do that and then I need to figure out how to get through something as monumental as losing my mom...

...without having my mom to talk it over with.  

Hannah sent me this and I know she knows what she is talking about.

Mother dear, I love you so

 Yesterday our sweet mother peacefully passed away to the next life.

Everything felt upside down.  I felt low physically already and then I felt like I had no idea what to even do or think about.

I had a good cry and then Adam and I went to my doctor office for IV fluids.  While there, my dad and siblings and some nieces (and maybe nephews?) were on a WhatsApp call.  I handed Adam my phone and told him to represent me.

He came back after a while and handed me the phone and said, "You want to be a part of this."

It was incredibly healing to be there on the phone with everyone.  We sketched out plans and laughed a little bit and expressed love a lot.  I felt very grateful to be a part of my family.  I'm grateful for my good parents.  I'm grateful we love each other.

I had a hard time sleeping.  Adam read to me and I was able to sleep some, but at about 2:00, I gave up.  Around 3:00, I texted my sisters.  I didn't know what time it was in Ghana, but I was guessing daytime.  I also figured Olivia might be awake.

4:00 AM found me on the phone with both sisters.  

I am glad that I already had today off.  I'm going to go to school for the rest of this week and then next week I'm going to take some more days off and go spend time with my family.  It is what I long for right now.

One thing I'm going to do today is go through the mail.  Adam and I picked it up yesterday.  There were two birthday cards in my mom's handwriting peeking out of the stack, one for me and one for Adam.  She was so sick, but she hardly missed a beat of what mattered to her.

Sunday afternoon, Braeden and his family had a short FaceTime with my mom.  She told QE that she'd sent her a birthday card.  She said, "There's a paper airplane in it.  Your dad may have to refold it a little but then it will really fly."

My mom was good at making paper airplanes.  She could make them really fly.

She was also good at making her children and grandchildren feel like they could really fly.  She buoyed us up.  She believed the best of us.  She expected us to rise to her idea of us.

It takes my breath away how much she will be missed.

Not doubting

 And they rehearsed unto me the words of their mothers, saying:  We do not doubt our mothers knew it.

Alma 56:48

The legacy I treasure most from both of my parents is their faith.  I have never wondered about them.  They have shown me over and over my whole life who they are and what they believe.  Every time they encounter a trial, they have squared their shoulders and expressed their faith and lived their lives in an echo of their faith.

(Their parents were the same way.)

I hope I can hold up the line and pass it on.

Yesterday, Olivia asked my mom to send her quotes to us.  Engrained deep in my memory are the yellowed with age pieces of paper in "the drawer by the washer".  The drawer by the washer was the catchall sort of drawer every house has.  If you were looking for something random, it may be in the drawer by the washer.  If you were looking for my mom's mantras, they were also there.

My mom read and reread these quotes when she needed reminding, when she needed a boost, when times were tough.  I think the fact that my mom kept going back to reread is better than if she'd read them once and didn't need them again.

Life keeps being hard.  We can keep going to the source of comfort and peace.  My mom modeled that and I'll always be grateful.

Here's what she sent yesterday:

“I know that everything will be overruled for our good if we do right. No matter how difficult

circumstances may be to bear at the time, they are for our good, and God watches over us; His angels are round about us all the time.” 

Elder George Q. Cannon, November 27, 1864.

“Therefore, however dark the prospects may be, however gloomy, let us remember that He who sits on high knows our condition, and that He can deliver us.” 

President George Q. Cannon, August 31, 1884.

“All true Latter-Day Saints will be tested to the limit. Saints will be put to tests that will try the integrity of the best of them.” 

Heber C. Kimball

“True faith is only made manifest in heart-wrenching trials.” I don’t know who.

“The Saints should always remember that God sees not as man sees; that he does not willingly afflict his children, and that if he requires them to endure present privation and trial, it is that they may escape greater tribulations which would otherwise inevitably overtake them. If He deprives them of any present blessing, it is that he may bestow upon them greater and more glorious ones by-and-by.” 

Elder George Q. Cannon

Proverbs 3:5–6

Matthew 11:28–30

Doctrine and Covenants 121:7–8

And this from Elder Holland: 

“I do not know who in this vast audience today may need to hear the message of forgiveness inherent in [the parable of the laborers in the vineyard; see Matthew 20:1–15], but however late you think you are, however many chances you think you have missed, however many mistakes you feel you have made or talents you think you don’t have, or however far from home and family and God you feel you have traveled, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. It is not possible for you to sink lower than the infinite light of Christ’s Atonement shines. …

“So if you have made covenants, keep them. If you haven’t made them, make them. If you have made them and broken them, repent and repair them. It is never too late so long as the Master of the vineyard says there is time. Please listen to the prompting of the Holy Spirit telling you right now, this very moment, that you should accept the atoning gift of the Lord Jesus Christ and enjoy the fellowship of His labor” (“The Laborers in the Vineyard,” Ensign or Liahona, May 2012, 33).

So now it's recorded on my blog.  So if they ever read this, my children will know. 

Seven squared

Yesterday was our birthday and it was a good day. I started it by seeing my parents!  They had stayed with us the night before and when I went downstairs for my breakfast, my mom was there, in a chair, waiting to say happy birthday.

You can turn 49 and it still feels more complete to see your mom and dad on your birthday.

They also took us to dinner the night before, which was very nice.  They went to Pride and Prejudice at BYU.  They loved watching Freja too!

On Monday, one of my students asked me what my favorite candy bar was.  I told her peanut m and m's.  She asked me what my favorite drink was.  I said, "Diet Coke."  She recorded both answers in a notebook.

She apparently spread the word because several students handed me diet coke or peanut m and m's when they walked in the door.  She's the same student that organizes other people's desks if they want her to.  She will make a great Relief Society president someday.

I also loved the already loved on pink bear...

Jamie gave me an Anne of Green Gables cursive writing book.  She said it was perfect for a 3rd grade teacher who was a kindred spirit.

Janelle hung a balloon on my door and gave me a gift card and treat.

There were cards in my box and the principal, vice principal and secretary sang to me.

Elementary schools are where it's at.  Almost always.  You get together that many (mostly women) who nurture for a living, they're going to be nice to you on your birthday.

I brought my class ice cream (which they'd earned as a reward) and birthday cake oreo cookies.  I also milked it being my birthday all day long.  

For example, when they wondered why I wouldn't unblock youtube during their few minutes of free time at the end of the day I said, "It's my birthday and I don't want to."

One of them said, "After all we've done for you!"

(He's not one that brought me anything, but maybe he felt like it had been a group effort.)

I said, "Even after all you've done for me.  It's my birthday."

Another of them said, "And she's the boss."

After school, my grandma called.  She wished me a happy birthday and Adam as well.  We chatted for a few minutes about me being a grandma, and her being a great-great-grandma.  We were about to hang up, and I started crying. 

She said, "Honey, what's wrong?!?"

I said, "Nothing, I just have to tell you.  I want to be like you.  When I think of what kind of grandma I want to be, it is like you."

I hope I can be.

My friend, Marie-Louise, teases me because one year Adam and I celebrated our birthday by going to Costco.  I think we eclipsed that glamorous destination this year though, we went to Target optical.

The day before, when my parents were there, my glasses broke.  My mom said, "Well, luckily, your dad is here."

He inspected the problem and said, "I'll go get my glue."

The man travels with superglue.

He repaired my glasses, but I decided it was time to face the truth that I really need new glasses.  I not only need frames that aren't crumbling, but I need progressives that make reading up close easier.

"But Grandmother, what big glasses you have!"

"The better to see you with my dear."

There were two pairs I was deciding between.  Adam took pictures and I said, "Text Emma."

The guy asked, "Your daughter?"

I love that that was predictable.  How wonderful to have a daughter!

Grateful Friday

The things we tried for behavior modification seemed to work.  For now.  It's always for now, but I'll take it.

We get to see the Jorgensens tonight!  Freja is Elizabeth Bennet in Pride and Prejudice at BYU, where she is a theater major.  We're having dinner together before the show!

Reframing things in my mind works. Three things I reframed:

1. Yesterday I woke up with day four of a headache.  I told myself, "It's going to be a good day."  And it was.  

2. I needed to get my car washed which isn't that exciting, but then I remembered Braeden saying he was giving Loki a spa day last summer and I decided I was giving Joan a spa day and it felt kind of exciting.  

3. I reframed paying a hefty amount at the pump.  I was sticking it to Putin.  If it keeps us from buying any Russian oil, I'll pay more.  (I doubt Putin felt the pinch of me filling up Joan, but let me have this one thing, OK?)

Finally, my mom is amazing.  She had a discouraging doctor visit recently about her lung cancer.  Since this blog is my personal family history, I want to preserve here what she wrote us in an email:

I read a little bit of a summary of Elder Gong's talk in which he said, "We can always trust God.  The Lord knows us better and loves us more than we know or love ourselves.  His infinite love and perfect knowledge of past, present and future make His covenants and promises constant and sure."  

Reading that made all the difference for me.  I thought, "I have believed in this religion and in God for almost 73 years.  If I can't trust God, then it is all a sham.  If we can't trust God, then who can we trust."

I know that I am his daughter and that He loves me.  I know that anything He does with my life will be for my best good.  I thought about my children and grandchildren.  I know that I would not do anything for any of them that I didn't know was for their best good.  I would never do anything that would not be good for them.  The problem is I haven't always known what would be good for them, but God does know.  He knows everything.  He knows what is for my best and that is what He will do.  All I need to do is trust Him and let His will prevail in my life.  I need to let him be the author and finisher of my story as Sister Camille Johnson said in conference.  

I can say, like the army of Helaman, that I do not doubt that my mother knew it.

She is a blessing in my life and always has been.

Oh what fun!

It was a quick whirlwind of a weekend, but wonderful.

Friday we went to Nevada and helped prepare for the big party.  It was all hands on deck and what do I do now, Marianne?  She was stellar in her role as our leader.  When you match Marianne and Olivia, you pretty much can accomplish anything I think.

Love those girls.

My dad hung the quilt we made them for an anniversary gift.  I was concerned about little kids getting jam hands on it (we weren't even having jam) and Emma and Mark said they'd guard it.

My cousin Hannah sent me this picture:

(They didn't do that during the party.)

Olivia and crew had wrapped 250 bundles of silverware and after the party she counted the remainders and there were 41.

So, yeah.  We had a lot of people.

There was a lot of family and familiar faces.  I introduced Emma to Elaine Swanson who was my 6th grade teacher and I was her teacher's aide my junior and senior years of high school and I wanted to be her when I grew up.

Later Emma told me that she felt like she'd met a celebrity because she'd heard so much about Elaine Swanson all her life.

Then I met some new people.  A few couples from my parents' mission came.  A woman who they'd never met in person who lives in Las Vegas came.  They are Pathways missionaries and she is one of their students.  One of my mom's college roommates and her husband came. 

It was a party!

I loved catching up with my cousins.  The older I get the more I love catching up with my cousins.  

My aunt Mary and uncle Steve brought my grandma to the party.  I found this picture on Mary's Facebook page (I go to Facebook occasionally to steal pictures from my nearest and dearest).  It's my uncle Joe (my dad's brother) with my grandma.

Long before I was born; before my parents were married, the two families were connected.  I love that.

Marianne had given us all shifts and Tabor and I had the last shift when the food service had kind of died down.  My kids and Tabor called me the shift boss and I ran a tight ship: me mostly telling Tabor and Mark to behave.  

I am pretty sure it wasn't a coincidence that Marianne gave Tabor and me the last shift when the food service had kind of died down.

Here my parents were cutting the cake:

We tried to get them to smear it on each other's faces and they both just said, "No."

Then there were twin Herculean efforts:  to clean up and to get my mom to sit down.  We finally managed both.  I love working with people I love in a united cause.  It just feels good.

And my feet were tired.

Saturday my dad and Adam and I went to what everyone started calling The Home Place after my grandparents died:  my grandma and grandpa's house.  Walking around on the lawn I could hear the echos of No Bears are Out Tonight which the cousins would play after dark and I could smell the smoke of weiner roasts and my grandma's yellow roses.  I could hear my grandparents calling, "Come again!" from the front porch.

And, I mean, I'm not even sentimental....

Ha.

That feels like sacred ground to me though.

We went to the park in Wells for the reunion where my uncle Drew's family had provided a catered and delicious lunch.  The reunion hosting rotates through the siblings and my dad is up in two years.

We'll be ready.

There was more visiting with cousins.  Wonderful!

My aunt Jennifer shared a history of my grandparents' ranch with us.  I don't care how many times I hear it, I will always be blown away by some parts of their story.

My grandpa worked in the Department of Agriculture during the Eisenhower administration and so they lived in Virginia briefly.  One summer they sent my dad's two oldest brothers, Demar and Joe back to the ranch in Starr Valley to work.  They were 11 and 9.  A fifth grader and a third grader.

I know a lot of third graders.

They put them on a bus and Demar and Joe accidentally landed in Maine.  They got on a different bus and finally made it home.

They were 11 and 9.

When Demar was 12 he headed up the haying operation with his siblings, while my grandpa worked for the Department of Agriculture.

I can't even imagine, but all the native confidence God bestowed on Dahl men is probably a good thing.

I also loved hearing the stories about my grandma who willingly packed up her household to move to Virginia and to move to South Dakota when my grandpa was a mission president and to move to Florida when he was asked to manage a ranch the Church owned there.

Her blood is in my veins.  I so want to channel her strength!

I've heard all the stories and I won't ever get tired of them.

We took the compulsory girl and boy cousin pictures.

This is all the girls, minus six:

Leslie, Sarah, Britta, Molly, Hannah, Marianne, Olivia, Jessica, Catherine, Dixie, Margaret
Me, Elizabeth, Erica, Danielle and Gretchen

I sat in front with the other short girls.

These are the boys, again minus six:

Austin, Micah, Tabor, Ira, Enoch
Jordan, Ammon, Alexander, Jason
Lincoln

Did anyone tell them all to wear blue?  No, they did not.

Here's my dad and his siblings (also accidentally color coordinated):

Jennifer, Claudia, Olivia
my dad, Drew, Joe and Demar

My cousin Leslie told me that the first time her husband attended one of our family reunions he said it was like the Amish mafia.

We relocated in the evening at my parents' house for a weiner roast.  More visiting.  Our family ducked out sort of early to make it back to Utah for Adam's early Sunday morning meetings.

I'm so glad we could go.  You can't put a price on family time.

Grateful Friday

Today I'm grateful for my mom.  It's her birthday!  She is good through and through.  She would do anything for people she loves.  She has always been an example to me of service and righteousness and faith and I appreciate her.

Today I'm grateful for spring break!  I'm looking forward to a tiny road trip and then the rest of the days at home to do projects.  I have a list.  Most of my breaks from school this year have been busy elsewhere or with guests and I will enjoy some home time.

Today I'm grateful for my school.  I love the people I work with.  I love being a teacher.  I love that I get a break from it for awhile though.

Today I'm grateful for my family.  I am looking forward to spending the weekend with my people.  Last night Adam and I ate with Emma.  The conversation turned to international flags (like it does) and Emma has been diving deep into flags and Adam brought up how he once went down a rabbit hole of Scandinavian countries and their Nordic crosses.  These are just the kind of nerds I love.  (Also, the Uganda flag is awesome.  I know because Emma showed me.)

Today I'm grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I'm grateful for Easter to remind me of the gift of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  I'm grateful for General Conference this weekend.  It is a gift!  I love having time to listen to our leaders.  I love soaking up perspective and inspiration and resolving to do better and be better.

My mom

Yesterday when I got home from work my mom and Olivia were here.  They are in the area this week while my mom is having treatments at the Huntsman Center.  Marianne was in town with my mom for a few days last week and Olivia this week and my dad is trading her tomorrow.  I'm glad I got in on a little bit of time spent together too.

We visited and laughed and told stories.  Adam brought us dinner from Porky's (Hawaiian pulled pork if you're ever in Lehi...).  

It was a lovely evening together but I think the best part of all was that I got to hug my mom for the first time in over a year.  She's been vaccinated now (and so have I) and she said, "I'm hugging now."

It made me cry a little.

I know.  Shocker.

Quilt binding

 One upside of us all having had Covid is that we feel less worried being around my parents.  They were in Utah for doctor appointments and they stopped by last night to help me with the binding on Braeden and Anna's quilt.  

My mom said, "How are you with cutting now?"

I said, "Really bad."

She said OK and handed my dad her other pair of scissors.

When I was growing up and my mom was (trying to) teach me to sew, it would annoy Marianne that she would cut out the pattern and fabric for me but not Marianne.  But I'm really really bad at cutting a straight line.  I am better than I used to be, but not much.

So I "supervised" and they trimmed the edges, then my mom showed me how to fold it.  She showed me how to fold the corners and said, "Were you watching?"

I said, "No."

Why does being around your parents make you revert to being about 13 years old?

She showed me again but every time I got to a corner, I let her do it.

We pinned it and my mom even kindly pinned "backwards" so that when I do the hand sewing around it with my left hand, I won't encounter the sharp ends of the pins.

We ate pizza and visited for awhile.  It was a nice evening.  We need Covid to go away so we can have less social distancing and more visiting.

Quilting

 My mom made a beautiful quilt top for Braeden and Anna for a wedding gift.  She used fabric from all of our wedding quilts and it is a treasure.  Anna wanted to learn to quilt and we decided to work on it during Christmas break.  

Yesterday my mom and Olivia and Ruben and Liliana came.  Ruben had an appointment and the rest came to quilt.  My mom brought quilt frames and tacks and needles and her $52 thimble.  My mom doesn't mess around.

She shared her expertise in getting the quilt on the frames.  I'm so grateful for her and Olivia because I 100% would have messed it up.  We all sat around the quilt--even Braeden, which was an unexpected pleasure.  We talked and laughed and quilted and it was sublime.  Adam was our caterer and provided lunch and dinner.

I remember once, years and years ago, quilting with my mom and sisters and both of my grandmas.  It felt like such a rare treat.  I think of my grandmas when I quilt.  Olivia and I talked about how they epitomized unconditional love.  I think of my grandma's grandmas.  Sitting at a quilt feels like a link to them.

I don't know if they had Braeden playing Beatles songs from his phone onto a Sonos speaker while they quilted, but I think a lot of it was much the same.  There's the rhythmic in and out of the needle.  There's the easy conversation.  There's the sharing of scissors and spools of thread.  I love it all.

We're quilting more today.  The only thing that would make it better is if Marianne and her girls were here.  

And my dear grandmas.

Here's the quilt this morning, ready to go.  I'll post more pictures tomorrow.  Adam took some yesterday and I need to get them from him.

Holiday weekend

Such a nice time.  It was the perfect mix of getting ready for Christmas, resting and spending time together.

I did some online shopping, tied ribbons on gifts we already have, and we decorated for Christmas.  Well, mostly.  We haven't done our big tree yet and we need to switch our regular dishes for our Christmas dishes.  (Christmas dishes make me happy.)

I am steadily feeling better, but I am still trying to preserve energy when I can so I had Mark and Emma carry all the boxes up and down the stairs and I was just the boss.  Doing the actual decorating was really fast.  Mark handled all the up on the ladder stuff and he doesn't mind when I say, "Move it port side!" because that is easier for me than right and left.

My kids think I'm crazy but having a weird mom builds character.

Emma wasn't here to help decorate last year and it was a huge difference having her back.  Arranging things is one of the few things I'm very picky about and she always does it to my satisfaction.  She also keeps Mark in line.

For example, we were decorating the small living room tree and Mark was just sitting on the couch and throwing ornaments at it and Emma put a stop to that.  

Friday night both kids were at work and Adam and I had a top secret purchase to make in Salt Lake City (our kids don't read this blog but what if they start today?).  Adam said there was a German restaurant he wanted to take me to.

It was called Bohemian Brewery and that confused me because I think of Bohemian style when I think of Bohemian and this place was decorated in an Alpine ski lodge way and served things like schnitzel and brats.

Adam said Bohemia was a place and I didn't know that (there could be volumes written of things Adam knows that I don't). So we googled it, like you do, while we were waiting for our food and learned that Bohemia is a German speaking part of the Czech Republic.  Also, the food was delicious.  

Saturday I pulled out some felt and Emma and I cut circles for tree skirts.  She has a little tree in her apartment and I wanted a tree skirt for my little tree in my classroom.  She was going back to her apartment Saturday night to watch an edited version of The Shining for her horror film class.  Why she would take a horror film class is completely bonkers but she didn't ask me.  I showed her how to blanket stitch and do a running stitch with candy cane striped embroidery floss so she could work on it while she watched.  She wanted to embroider snowflakes.  I said, "You're artistic so you'll figure that out easily."

Before Emma went back to Provo, she joined Adam and me on a Trader Joe's stop.  For our regular grocery store shopping, I always have a list.  At Trader Joe's, anarchy reigns.  Peppermint JoJos, ginger scented hand cream, cedar balsam candle, peppermint meringues all got tossed in the cart with abandon.  Adam asked if we had a reason to buy lemon curd.  I said yes.

Because lemon curd.

Later in the evening Emma texted me this.

I don't think I've ever taught her anything that she didn't immediately become better at than me.

Yesterday evening Adam and I went back to Salt Lake to visit my grandma and my parents who were also in town.  We have had very few visits with my 93 year old grandma or my parents since the pandemic, but sometimes it just feels warranted.  We had a nice visit and ate pie (and my grandma chided me for not cutting bigger pie slices).

This morning I am back to school and I'm excited to see those little faces again.  I want to see their reaction to our Christmas tree.

Grateful Friday

Emma's surgery was a success.  The last two days have been incredibly long literally and metaphorically, but I know I have a lot to be grateful for.

I'm grateful for modern medicine.

I'm (you don't even know!) grateful she is home from France.

I'm grateful for the power of prayer and priesthood blessings.

I'm grateful for the sustaining power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ because sometimes I feel like I can't even and then I can.

I'm grateful for kind nurses who persist in kindness even when Emma is kind of grouchy (she's been in a lot pain).  I felt humbled when I overheard several conversations in the hall amongst the nurses about who was working on Christmas Day.  One happily said, "I don't have to come in until the afternoon so I'll have Christmas morning!"

I'm grateful we got a great surgeon.  He was not charming but all the nurses told us how lucky we were because he was the best.  One said, "Intimidating, but the best."

I'm grateful for a kind principal who texted me to do whatever I needed to do and not worry about it.  I'm grateful for my third grade team who sent me encouragement and promises that they had everything in hand.  I'm grateful for whoever substituted my class yesterday.  I know it wasn't easy.

While Adam tag teams the hospital scene, I'm going to go into school this morning.  I need to give my kiddos their gifts and hold up my end of the Christmas festivities. With my principal's blessing, I'm going to be a mom the rest of the day.  Emma may or may not get to come home today, depending on her lab results.

Those gallstones did a number on that girl.

I'm grateful for the support that reached over the phone when I talked to my parents and sisters.  I'm grateful for all of my families' texts and the gifs and memes from my brothers (mostly Ron Swanson related).

It all added up to feeling loved.

I'm grateful for my boys who love their sister and would do anything for her.  I'm grateful for the love we all feel from sweet Anna.  She is small in stature but large in heart.

I'm grateful for Adam.  He is a pillar of strength and generous with his insistence I go home and sleep while he takes the night shift.  I felt like a big wimp and a deserter but I was also dizzy and freezing cold and shaky and had a very sore throat.  We both knew I needed sleep and he made it happen.  He is who you want in any crisis.

I'm grateful for the Christmas season.  It is good timing for Emma and me to both have a break for her to convalesce and me to take care of her.  It is also good timing to stop and reflect on how grateful I am for Jesus Christ who sustains us all.

Grateful Friday

I'm grateful for America.  I acknowledge it has its problems.  The president for example.  He embarrasses me.  A lot.

I mean, we voted and that was the best we came up with?

Anyway.

It's still a great country.  Drive thru dry cleaners, for example.  How great is this country?

Yesterday was sort of a banner phone day and while I swept and mopped the kitchen and folded laundry, I talked to my mom and both sisters.  We talked about the mundane and the big.  Like we do.

After I hung up with Marianne, I thought about us.  We've been in this mother thing together pretty much from the start.  (She got a nine month jump on me.)  We've talked over sleep schedules and potty training and chores for recalcitrant offspring and home schooling and public school and extracurricular activities and sending kids on missions and now to college.  It's been a huge part of our identity, this motherhood thing.  It's the main thing that matters.

And it occurs to me after we discussed trips and college majors and options, options, options for our kids, that they are swimming in opportunities.  Those kids are practically drenched in them.

What more could we want as mothers (assuming they, you know, take all our advice and make the most of those opportunities)?

I'm grateful for America.  I'm grateful for the freedom of a dizzying array of choices, chances to fail and chances to succeed and a whole lot of chances for adventure.

Speaking of adventure, Emma's French teacher gave us all a pair of these glasses last night at our meeting.

We are ready for whatever bright lights await!

We went to Nevada

Home means Nevada,

Home means the hills...

I love living close enough for a quick trip to my parents' house.  Sagebrush makes me happy.  So do aspen trees and full moons (I know, the full moon is not an exclusive Nevada thing, it just felt like it).   Visiting on my parents' front porch and watching the moon rise over the mountains makes me happy.

And I love my mom's cooking.

Friday, Emma and I helped Olivia paint two rooms.  It was fun.  I wish I could do every job with my sisters and Emma.

(Even though they correct my word usage.)

(It's not a crime to call the floor the ground.)

(Apparently no one has told Olivia and Emma that isn't a criminal offense.)

I enjoyed my time though.  I was the bossy older sister and told Olivia we didn't have enough paint and then we did.

(Sometimes bossy older sisters don't know everything.)

Olivia has a ladder that we used and I couldn't stop expressing my love for that ladder.  It was the perfect size and super lightweight.  (Our ladder weighs roughly the same as our van.)

Olivia called Edgar at work and had him stop by the store and pick up an identical ladder for me, to thank me for painting.  But I loved painting!  I didn't need a reward!  (But I loved that ladder and happily took it.)

I didn't see Marianne or her family much because they were deeply involved with the Ruby Mountain Relay which is a race they run.  Literally.  They are in charge of it and their kids run in the race.

Desi and Liberty's team (they came in 4th overall and I stole this picture from Marianne on Facebook and I'm not even sorry.)

Hyrum's team.  He's the one in white.  I also stole this picture.

Adam and Braeden and Emma helped out by taking the overnight shift of overseeing runners and volunteers.  That meant Robert could sleep.  Adam brought the kids home around 4:00 a.m. but he stayed until around 8:00 a.m.  That man is amazing.

Here are some of his pictures:

The race went through the night:

Dawn:

And then day again:

Saturday morning I drove around visiting my mom and aunt Claudia who were race volunteers (they were stationed at my grandparents' ranch), visiting Olivia who was making a birthday cake for Ammon her son (not to be mistaken for Ammon our brother), and visiting Carolina, entrepreneur extraordinaire who was raking it in at a lemonade/cookie stand.  I told her the cookie I bought from her was delicious and she said, "It ought to be, I made them."

If Carolina could bottle up her moxie and spunk and sell it, she could have made even more money.

It was a wonderful trip.  Braeden got to soak up cousin time...

Omar and Braeden

...and grandpa time, chatting and watching the moon together.

When we were leaving, Braeden said, "This is the last time I'll be here for two years."  So we thought that merited some pictures.

I liked one picture better because you could see the house and one picture better because you could see the faces...

Mark got to spend a little time in my dad's shop (sometimes unaccompanied like when he cut guns and knives out of wood using my dad's big band saw).  Luckily he didn't cut off any fingers and luckily my dad doesn't mind Mark raiding his wood.  My mom played cards with Emma and Mark and taught them how to play Rook, which is the game we played a lot while growing up.

We had to leave Ammon's birthday party early but we were able to give Ammon his present before we left:

I stole this picture from Olivia...and I am not sure what to think about Mark's dirty knees.

Before we left, I got to give quick hugs all around to nieces and nephews.

I feel like a lucky kid.

She doesn't deserve us

one of my favorite pictures in the world:  a goldfish funeral

My mom is only minimally cheeky.  We all get it from my dad.  I'm pretty sure of that.

I emailed my siblings, telling them Braeden would be speaking in church on August 31.

That's the date our bishop gave us, so I forwarded it on.

Turns out that day is a Monday.  And I know that because of the barrage of cheeky emails my siblings sent.

Olivia said she didn't know how we did it in Utah, but in Nevada, Sunday was still the sabbath.

Ammon said we were doing a pilot program, having missionaries speak on Monday rather than Sunday because they take up too much time during sacrament meeting.

It went on and on.

Then my mom sent us some emails.  There are a few things that belonged to our grandma and grandpa Dahl that are up for grabs.  We are not very cutthroat about such things, although there are a few things more than one of us would like.  My mom is the epitome of fairness and wants to make sure that everyone has an equal chance to end up with something they like.  So the emails.  She included pictures.

More cheekiness ensued.  Including but not limited to me threatening to tie Enoch up on the front porch with jump ropes like we used to do when we babysat him.  (I would need my sisters' help, possibly my sisters in law too.  I'm pretty sure I can count on their assistance.)

Upon hearing that, and remembering the conversation we had at Ammon's birthday party where we talked about how I used to hold him over the banister of the stairs when he was a baby, just to terrorize him, Emma said, "I used to think I did mean things to Mark but when I hear about things you did to your brothers, I think I have always been very nice to him."

In my defense, Ammon said that I wasn't the only one that held him over the banister like that.

He was our real live action toy we could get an impressive reaction out of.

(I'm not sure that's really a good defense.)

I was reading the stream of emails to Braeden because he appreciates the humor (few would appreciate it--it's a bit...obscure...at times). 

At one point, Braeden shook his head.  "Your poor mom," he said.

And I agree.  She deserves better.  As for me, my siblings are pretty much a delight.