Grateful Friday

 I talked to Olivia on the phone last night and she said, "How are you doing?"

I said, "I am tired and aggravated."

She said, "Are you aggravated by something in particular or are you just generally aggravated?"

It is something in particular and it is December teaching coupled with compressed days (because of chemo) before grades are due and the iReady middle of year diagnostic.  Mostly it is about the ten children who WILL NOT sit down and get to work.  I have them sit right next to me and they hop up every ten seconds or they are looking everywhere in the classroom except at what they're supposed to be doing.

It is making me a little crazy.

Yesterday though, I had about 6 of them at my desk and it was a constant stream of Get back to work.  Sit down.  You can do it!  Keep working!

A girl right next to me finished!  She pumped her fist and in her darling accented English said, "Jes! I did it!"

I was proud of her and she was proud of her and it made me realize that they aren't actually trying to aggravate me.  They are trying to finish.  They want to finish.  It is glimmers like that that make me grateful.

It's a reminder that I need for everyone on the planet probably.  The person driving below the speed limit in front of me, the person who stops with their shopping cart blocking the aisle at the grocery store, my students.  They aren't actually trying to aggravate me.

For example, I realized the other day that the two boys who always throw their coats on the floor, can't easily reach the hooks because they are so short.

Everyone is trying their best.

I'm grateful for the reminder.  Hopefully it will carry me through these next days.

Birthday boy

 Yesterday Mark turned 23 and we went to Red Robin to celebrate because we always go to Red Robin to celebrate his birthday.  He loves Red Robin and we love Mark.

I took his picture while we were waiting for Emma and Adam to get there.  In lieu of a cake, a Red Robin menu....

Mark is easy to love.

This is Mark at 23:

He has the most eclectic taste in music of anyone I know.  He will talk about Rush's drum patterns or the optimal instruments in a jazz band or the raw voices of hard rock singers with anyone who will listen.

He loves astronomy.  He dives deep into space related topics.  He recently took a deep dive into the Declaration of Independence, just because he was interested.  He's like Adam in that way.  (I am more of a skimmer of everything.)

He is good at doing things, fixing things, taking care of business.  He is my butler/valet/footman (not sure what to call him, but I know those titles from Downton Abbey) for hire these days and I appreciate his presence as well as his competence.

He is going to school.  He hates going to school.  I am proud of him for doing it anyway.

He is definitely an introvert and bows out when he is done.  At the same time, he can talk to about anyone.  Adam took him with him to visit a man in our ward who is in a care center.  They were having a good visit, talking about old times when Brother Cordon was Mark's Sunday School teacher and even older times when Brother Cordon moved here from California.  A nurse came in to do something and Mark intercepted her because Brother Cordon was in the middle of a good story and quietly asked her to return later.

He's good in situations like that.  His empathy has been forged by two autoimmune diseases and it shows.

I love that he kisses my forehead every day and gives really good hugs.  He always says, when he walks away, "Let me know if you need anything."

Also, he means it.

Changed for good

 We had our work Christmas party after school yesterday and we watched Wicked for Good.  Matt buys out the entire theater plus gives everyone a $5 gift card for concessions.

It was a good time.  Third grade made a plan (and yes, that is the name of our group chat.  We are insufferable).

Holly isn't at Bonneville this year, but I was so happy that she crashed the party.  She hugged me and said, "How dare you have something happen to you when I'm not around to love on you?!?"

She got a health update:  it's been a little wild, but I'm doing it.

We got our sodas and popcorn and settled into the recliners and yes, I did fall asleep for part of it.  My body is greedy about sleep these days and it will take any opportunity.

I did enjoy the rest of the movie though.  

The movie is rated PG, but after Elphaba and Fiyero kissed, Matt, in his loud voice said, "My apologies!  That got a little steamy!"  Everyone laughed.  It's fun to laugh in a movie theater full of people you know and love.

When Elphaba and Glinda were singing, "Changed for Good," my thoughts turned to the friends who surrounded me.

They make me want to be better.  They love our students and work so hard.  They decorate for holidays and bring fun and stew over progress and troubleshoot how to reach certain students and how to best present lessons.  They cry over the heartbreaking stories and give all of the enthusiasm imaginable for the triumphs.

So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend

 

Every day is a mixed bag

 Yesterday:

One of my harder students was absent and I must say, I noticed.

I read A Wish for Wings that Work aloud to them.  They loved it.

Multiple students hugged me and one told me she loves me before she left for the day.

A girl's glasses were lost and after an elusive search, I sent an email to all the other teachers and I vowed we would search again tomorrow.  Her mom texted me later and said they'd been found in a hidden pocket of her jacket.  Hurray!

A boy's birthday is during Christmas break.  His mom was so happy when I suggested we celebrate it early.  She said he had never celebrated his birthday in class.

But also:

Several of my students made hardly any growth on their middle of year math diagnostic.  And it matters to me.

Alissa's two hardest students moved.  Miriam's two hardest students are about to move.  My two hardest students are staying put.

Two students moaned, "This is impossible..." during phonics and wouldn't get to work.  (Another student said "whine less and work more" and that could really be in the above list of positives because I was privately high-fiving her in my mind.)

A boy who (isn't moving) but is difficult all day every day finally had to just come and stand by me during song practice because he was being such a pain.  

They keep me on my toes.  But I'll keep going back.

Weekend

 Fun at school:

In November we had jars in the office, one for Matt, Jeff, Caroline and Riley.  Students could bring change and whoever had the most by the end of the month would get a pie in the face.

They used the money to give Thanksgiving dinner to some families in our school.

Of course Matt won.  Two students were randomly selected to throw pie in his face and I love an elementary school with a good principal and that is all.

The field trip:

There were thousands of elementary students at the Marriott Center.  We found our seats; everyone was accounted for.  I was strategically seated where I could keep an eye on my live wires.

BYU does quality everything.  I loved the show.  My students loved the show.  They did a dance from Mexico and the boys in front of me whooped when it was announced and then were enthralled.  

Then they did a dance from Colombia and my Colombian boy was waving his arms in the air and bouncing in his chair and I was so happy.

Then we tried to leave.

I had a styrofoam peppermint on a stick that I had showed my students that I would hold up so they could find me.  I had three so I gave one to Miriam and Alissa too.  I led the charge and holding up my peppermint, led students out of the arena and had them line up against the inner wall on the concourse.  I counted heads and I was missing a student.  Alissa and Miriam joined and I counted again and I was still missing a student!  It was my nightmare.  I sent a boy to the bathroom to see if the missing student was there.

He was not.

The missing boy was not one that I was concerned about wandering off (I had a firm grip on that boy).

The missing boy was one whose name I write on sub plans as a responsible student the sub can turn to for help!

I found a security guard and he was wholly unhelpful.  He suggested that maybe his parents had picked him up.  I don't know what I expected the security guard to do, but that wasn't it.  I walked around the Marriott Center in a panic, praying my little heart out. Alissa took her class outside to see if he was there.  She called me and she said, "I have him!" 

He was missing for probably 5 minutes, but it was the longest 5 minutes of my life!

I gathered my students and walked outside in the falling snow toward the busses.  I felt wobbly with relief.  Alissa was standing outside the bus her class was on and said, "He's on this bus, do you want him?"

I said, "Yes!" I needed to see that boy!

I hugged him and told him that I was sorry we had lost him and I was so glad we'd found him.

In the crush of elementary students, he had thought he was following our class.  He was confused that his friends weren't outside with him because he thought he was with them.  I told him he did a great job staying in one spot when he realized he was lost because I never would have left him.

He looked pale and stressed and we went to the bus and all the rest of the students freaked out and said, "Where were you?!?"

I didn't think it was particularly helpful so I distracted them with asking them about their favorite dances.  Later, I asked my student (who still looked stressed), "Are you OK?  Were you scared?"

He said, "No."

I said, "I was scared.  I was panicking!"

A girl across the aisle on the bus said, "I think we all were scared."

When we were walking back into the school, he asked me, "Teacher, on a scale of one to a million, how scared were you?"

I said, "About 900,000.  I thought I would find you, but I was scared."

He smiled, satisfied that I cared I guess.  

I said, "I would not have left without you."

He said, "What if the seasons changed?"

I said, "I would still be there."

With that he went to lunch and I went to message him mom a "so we lost your son today...." message.

I would rather her hear it from me.

Ward Party:

We had our ward Christmas party and I usually don't love ward Christmas parties (I know my sisters are shaking their heads as they read this).  They are people-y and sometimes long and sometimes awkward choosing where to sit.  It's a me problem. (Also Shannon and Chris and Kim and Rod were not going to be there.  My pals!)

But when your husband is the bishop, it feels like you really can't gracefully get out of them, so I went.  We ended up sitting with and having a nice visit with two other couples who are about our same age.  The food was good.  They had a very short and good program (one song/nativity from some primary children and Adam was asked to "make remarks" and they were brief). 

Then I moved over to Cortney and Jordan's table and had a good chat with them (actually we were about the last people there).

So it was a good ward Christmas party.  Except I went home feeling kind of wonky. 

Lots of people asked me how I was feeling.  People said, "Well, you look good!" (It felt like they were expecting me to look emaciated or something.) And some people said, "It's good to see you out!" (It felt like I have one foot in the grave and it was something of a miracle that I was walking around.)

One man told me, while he was serving me some ham, "I pray for you every night.  We need to keep you around."

I'm not dying!  Do you think I'm dying?!?

I know, me problems.  They are kind and care about me and that means a lot to me.  I guess I just don't love being reminded over and over again that I have cancer.  I just want to be normal socially awkward Thelma who doesn't know where to sit at the ward Christmas party instead of sick socially awkward Thelma who people are amazed to see among the living.

Nate Bargatze

Ammon and Melanee gifted us with tickets to watch him perform at the Delta Center and it was so fun!  I laughed and cry laughed and it felt good to have a night out even though I was very tired being out past my bedtime. 

We took TRAX from the Courthouse Station to the Delta Center because Adam reasoned it was less walking for me and less hassle parking.  We were late (after a pit stop at the Lego store--how old will our boys be when they stop requesting Legos for Christmas?).  I had wanted to leave earlier and Adam said we would be fine.  (Every time we go anywhere our entire marriage that is the exact conversation.)

Well, Adam was right this time.  We slid into our seats and they were just starting the opening acts and we didn't miss a single thing.

Actually Adam is right a lot, we usually are fine.  I still like being early.

Sunday

I led the singing in primary, which is always fun.  In the afternoon a little boy and his dad dropped off a plate of Christmas treats--I think for Adam.  When I answered the door, he was greatly taken aback and said, "Hey!  You're my music teacher!"  He turned to his dad and said, "She's my music teacher!"

I think he thought I must live in the primary room.

Also Sunday I got to talk to QE.  I showed her the Christmas tree she helped decorate and she said, "I want to see more decorations."

I was ready.

She showed me something she was building and she showed me her tree and some Christmas pillows besides.  

It was a festive phone call. (FaceTime was a great invention.)

Grateful Friday

 I didn't feel on top of the world like Monday, but I did OK yesterday, pretty good energy.  Today my head feels fuzzy and congested.  I am not the picture of health, but I am grateful that a day to give my body rest was enough to put me back on track.

I'm grateful for the weekend.  More rest and fun times too--Ammon and Melanee had two tickets to Nate Bargatze they couldn't use and gifted them to us!  I'm excited for that!

I'm grateful for Mark setting up a wrapping station for me in QE's room.  I put a sticky note with a threatening None Shall Pass message on it and now I can slowly wrap gifts to my heart's content.  I won't have to pull things out and put them away.  (It was Adam's idea.  That guy is brilliant.)

I'm grateful I got to take a walk with Kim last night.  It was only one this week, but one is more than none and I love connecting with her.

I'm grateful to be a teacher.  Unexpected things happen so much, they should be expected by this point.  The other day a second grader hugged me and told me about her cheek being numb because she had gone to the dentist.  I know her vaguely because I taught her sister, but it's kind of delightful that random children want to tell you about what's happening in their mouth at any given time.

I encountered a kindergartner in the hall and he said, "Do you even know me?"

I said no.

He said, "My name is Jim and I just moved to Orem."

I said, "Well, welcome, Jim.  I'm Mrs. Davis."

He'll have my vote for president someday.

I need to remind myself that I'm grateful to be a teacher because yesterday afternoon was a doozy.  Every year I've taught 3rd grade at Bonneville we have made paper dolls for a Christmas Around the World project.  This year was supremely chaotic.  I have a few students who cannot be given a task with any level of complexity without going off the rails.  Some of the students loved it and created the cutest and most creative costumes on their paper dolls and some of them lay down on the floor.

We had a faculty meeting after school and Matt brought snacks and I laughed with my team and when we did a group project we joined up with 5th grade so I was able to laugh with Caroline too.

It helped.

I'm grateful today that we are going to BYU for Christmas Around the World.  I've been a few times before.  Never with school children.  Here's hoping we survive!

Sick day

 Nothing ruins a sick day like, well, being sick.  I would see something that needed doing and think, "Maybe I'll be up for that later."

I wasn't.

I was sick.

I did see pretty things as I padded around in my fuzzy socks, doing things like taking Wellness Formula (like it's my actual job) and refilling my water bottle.

Since I was also listening to the Follow Him podcast (such a great one this week!  I say that every week), I had my phone handy and snapped pictures of pretty things that caught my eye. 

If you're going to be sick, at least the world is pretty.

moody predawn with the temple glowing--woke up early, still got 9 hours of sleep

The low sun hits my disco ball in the morning only.  Usually I miss it because I am at school.

Tuesday night Adam went to a fancy work dinner and brought home these pretty glass jars.  I love when they say take home the table decorations!  Birds were flitting around the snow-covered tree outside and it set a lovely scene.  (Adam also brought me home a piece of creme brûlée cake which I was not sad about.)

Somewhere around mid-morning, I heard the tell-tale sound of a bird hitting one of our windows.  I hate it when that happens! After I ate lunch, I noticed a package on our front porch, right next to a dead bird.  (Sincere apologies to the delivery guy!)  Mark was home from class so I called him upstairs.  I said, "In my family growing up, the boys did the outside stuff and the girls did the inside stuff and there's a dead bird on the doorstep."

He generously didn't point out that he currently is doing all the dishes and laundry and went and got a shovel and got rid of the bird.

He also brought in the package.

(When you live with your parents you have everything but peace.)

Altogether it was a pretty good day.  I got a bunch of school stuff done on my computer.  I read my book and did a tiny bit of cross-stitch.  I also talked to both sisters and both parents on the phone.  Not bad.

Going back to school today; wearing a mask!

Well

 Pride goeth before the fall.

I have a sick student.  This particular student is really hard.  For that reason, he is strategically seated right by me.  Also, he gravitates to my desk often.  He puts everything in his mouth.  He has had a terrible cough for the past two days.

Yesterday he came to school and seemed really sick.  He laid his head on his desk and told me he didn't feel well.  I suggested he go call home (please, for the love).  He said he didn't want to.  He said his mom gave him medicine and he drank it.

I said, "Are your mom and dad at work?"

He miserably nodded his head.

I feel sympathy for families that send their sick children to school because they don't have other options.  I wore a mask and sanitized or washed my hands every time I turned around.  At one point he was sitting at my desk for help and coughing up a storm.  I said, "You have to go back to your desk."

It didn't help.  Toward the end of the day, I was super tired and had a sore throat and a fuzzy feeling head.  Ugh.

I decided that in an effort to nip it all the way in the bud, I would take today off.  I gathered some sub plans and the inestimable emergency sub in our building showed up at my door because Jamie had sent her.  I told her the long and short of everything and she said, "Don't worry about anything.  I have some extra books and tricks up my sleeve."

I am so grateful.  

Also, I sent another plea to parents, "Please keep your sick children home."

When I reported my sickie state to Matt, he said, "You are fighting cancer!  Next time a kid won't call home when they are clearly sick, tell me and I will reach out to their parents."

So it's home for me.  Warm blankets and drinking lots.  I hope a day of rest will fight it off. Usually I have enough teacher immunity that I don't get sick too often.  Cancer adds a whole element....

I guess this makes me appreciate the good days all the more.

School in December

 When I got home, I tucked myself under a blanket and was tired, but I had such a good day yesterday!

I felt more energetic and like myself than I have in a long time.  I didn't feel overwhelmed or exhausted or impatient or any of the things.  It was wonderful!

What was also wonderful was my students seeing the classroom, all decked out for Christmas.  They walked in the door and started gasping and saying, "Oh! Oh! Oh!"

They showed each other the tree and the Christmas village.  "Are there lights inside?  Where did this come from?  My name is on the tree!"  I loved seeing their wonder as they walked around looking at everything.  One girl threw her arms around my waist and said, "You're the best teacher ever!"

Such an easy crowd!

One boy (with extravagant bedhead) told me that he woke up with his hair looking very "floaty."

Yes he did.

I was so happy to be back.

During math, we started on area.  First, we talked about real world reasons why you may need to know area.  One student said that his dad works in construction, so he uses it.

That reminded me of QE telling me she wanted to be an "instruction" worker when she grows up.  I told her that was great and she said she was going to build a library out of blocks.  I said, "I will come to your library."

She said, "No Nana, it's built out of blocks."

Nana is not very smart sometimes....

Anyway.  Area.  I was trying to teach them the concept of a square unit as compared to just length.  I grabbed a piece of chalk and drew on the carpet.

 They were completely shocked and wondered if I was going to get in trouble from Mr. D.  I was willing to risk it.

Let me tell you, when the teacher starts drawing on the carpet, you have 100% engagement!

We'll see if it carries over into them actually understanding what area is or not.

For read aloud I read them a Christmas story.  They were silent and leaning slightly forward and it was dreamy.

We also made our ornaments for the library Christmas tree.  At the end of the day, I sat them all down and read the last several pages of the Christmas book because we'd had to stop earlier.

A student said, "This has been the best day ever."

Another said, "Time flies when you're busy."

A while after the students left, I was tying gold string onto the ornaments and Alissa popped her head in my room and asked, "Are you busy doing something important?"

I said, "Do you want to string lights?"

She brought lights from home for her classroom and wanted to string them up outside our classrooms too.  We all want to make it as magical as possible.  Miriam joined us and I unwound the lights and advised placement and those two tall girls hung them in the hall.  Other teachers admired our handiwork and when Caroline came along and said, "Look at you third grade teachers!"

I said, "Team of the year!  We're never not going to mention that."

(That's the kind of relationship I have with Caroline.  We're like snarky sisters and I love it.)

Riley came along clucking his tongue, probably thinking of some OSHA violation.  We told him to keep on walking.

There were some students still at the school because of boys and girls club and they were using the bathrooms in our hall.  

"What are you doing?" they asked in wonder.

"Making it festive!" Alissa told them.

Christmas!  I love every school day in December! 

 

Weekend

 On Friday I shopped (online) and then we decorated.  (I told Adam not to freak out when he sees the credit card bill....)

I realized that maybe I should have decorated, shopped, decorated, shopped, repeat so I could break up the decorating with sitting.

I got SO tired.  And then I cried.  I just want to do my life.  I don't want to be exhausted by things that used to be no problem.  I hate having to either skip my stuff or rely on other people to do my bidding.  I don't love it.

I bucked myself up.  (My family bucked me up.)  We got the house looking festive and then spent a more restful afternoon.  Adam wanted to go to South Jordan for a gift for me and I went with him.  (I sat in the car and read my book while he went into the store).  We just like being together.  We listened to our latest podcast (House at Number 48) and decided the guy was kind of insufferable, but the story is interesting. 

We tried to interest the introverts in going or in watching a movie when we got home.  They both politely declined.

You can only get so much interaction out of those two before it is used up.

Saturday I made muffins: gluten free cinnamon and regular cranberry.  (I needed to use up the cranberry sauce.)

It was restorative to me to bake.  I felt like me and I felt like a person.  I hardly ever bake anymore because gluten free kind of takes the fun out of everything (as does cancer).  But I really love to bake and I was happy to have the energy.

We went to my classroom to decorate it for Christmas and put it to rights.  I was very grateful to my family for helping.  Again, it's usually something I mostly manage (Mark usually helps hang the snowflakes), but this year I was helped and I appreciate it.  He would never say it, but I think Adam thinks I need to alter my expectations and not decorate.  He helps me all the same.  It means a lot to me.

We had lunch at Chubby's and then Emma went back to her apartment.  It was wonderful to have her for so many days.  After that we went to Winco.  Amazingly, I wasn't flattened after shopping.  We were walking out of the store and I told Mark.  "This is the first time in I don't know how long that I am not exhausted after this!"

It felt good.

I was tired when we got home and sat in my chair and read, but it feels like so much progress!

Adam and I rewatched the first episode of The Gold that I slept through the last time.  I told Adam and Mark they could go on without me, but no man left behind I guess.

On Sunday morning Adam said, "Are you up to church today?"

I was!

The Relief Society did sort of an instant choir and I marched up there like I was going to be able to sing the song.  It was "Amazing Grace" and it kind of destroyed me.  I ugly cried.

The second and third verses in particular.  I wasn't ready.

The Lord has promised good to me; 

His word my hope secures. 

He will my shield and portion be 

As long as life endures.

Through many dangers, toils, and snares

I have already come. 

His grace has brought me safe thus far, 

And grace will lead me home.

I thought I should have told Adam no and stayed home in my warm slippers.  I can't take me anywhere.  Nola was standing next to me while we they were singing.  She put her arm around my waist.  After singing, several of my friends stopped to squeeze my arm and give me a loving smile.

I'm a hot mess, but I am loved.

It snowed in the afternoon, which was icing on the Christmas decorated house.

This was at the start of the snow, but we got a few inches.  Lovely!

I lit my Swedish änglaspel that Braeden and Anna gifted me last year.  It felt cozy in a snowstorm.

After Adam got home, we made dinner and Mark wasn't feeling well (got glutened I think) and Emma didn't come because she was sick (a MIRACLE that I didn't catch her cold while she was here--sweet girl washed her hands until they were raw).  So Adam and I played Skip bo and watched an episode of Professor T and I was asleep by 8:30.  I get + need a lot of sleep!

This morning I finished my Christmas shopping.

Now, ready or not, back to school.

Grateful Friday

 We have had such a nice time!  Wednesday we spent lots of time just being together.  I decided to take advantage of helpers and get a jump on Christmas. QE was thrilled at the prospect of decorating the tree.  Mark and Braeden hauled boxes and Adam and Mark set up the tree and Mark went up on the ladder and did the high stuff on the shelf before the tree was placed.

Basically we can't have Christmas without Mark.

Adam cooked all the meals and said, "Go sit down," if I ventured into the kitchen.

Basically we wouldn't have anything without Adam.

I loved the very concentrated band of ornaments just at QE's level.

Also, she saw this Coke Zero ornament that I think Geri gave Adam once upon a time.  She pretended to take a swig from it and said, "I'm a man!"

For context, Braeden drinks soda and Anna never does.  I guess it feels masculine to QE.  She is a constant delight.

Everyone except Emma and QE and I went to the grocery story for last minute supplies and I loved watching my two best girls play together.  QE had a stethoscope and was being very dramatic and making Emma giggle.  I thought, this is something I always want to remember, just the sheer delight of them being together.

Later, while everyone else was doing other things, (Adam, cooking), QE and I finished decorating the tree.  This time I thought, I will always remember this.  I think it is a new core memory.  I loved it so much.  She chatted about placement and asked me questions about where the ornaments were from.

I showed QE some Rudolph figurines I have and she was enamored with them, but didn't know the story.  When I was telling her the story, I couldn't remember the name of the doe who was Rudolph's girlfriend.  I said, "Faline?  Or is that from Bambi?"

Braeden said, "I think it's Clarice"

I said, "Oh, that's right."

QE was hanging on every word.

We decided to watch the movie.  She snuggled into my side which I loved.  She refused to accept that Clarice was not Faline, however.

For the rest of the evening, she kept asking us the deer's name.  We would say Clarice and she would say, "No, it's Faline."

Braeden told her to stop asking if she didn't want the answer.  I admired her commitment.  If you ask me, she really can do no wrong.

In the evening we had Pikkujoulu.  Adam made clam chowder and Trader Joe's made the treats.  Emma and Mark sang and Braeden read stories.  Adam did his scripture reading.

We had one more night with everyone under one roof and that is about the coziest feeling there is.

Yesterday morning Adam and I drove our guests to Anna's parents' house.  We had a brief and nice visit with them and then went to Emma's apartment, because she forgot her mashed potatoes shirt!

In anticipation of Thanksgiving, I asked everyone what their most important dish was.  I was looking at shirts for Christmas gifts on Life is Good and I saw they had Thanksgiving shirts with what everyone had requested.  (Adam's pick was based on the shirt.)

Before we ate, we took pictures of everyone with their favorite dish:

I would like the record to show that Adam got that out of the cupboard for the picture and we had a different gravy boat for our actual gravy.

After we ate, we listened to "Dave Cook's the Turkey" then I took a glorious nap.  Later we played bank and ate pie and leftovers.  We watched The Great Escaper which was on PBS.  It was excellent.

We have much to be grateful for.  I loved being together.  I loved the delicious food.  I loved showing the Christmas bears to QE and remembering all the goodness of our shared lives.  

When I consider how much I love being together, I feel even more grateful for temple covenants that bind us.  I am grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I am grateful for the ways that God's love and the Atonement of Jesus Christ bless my life.

I know that all the people who are so very kind to me, are reflecting the light of Jesus Christ.  They want to be more like Him and I am the lucky recipient of such goodness.

Today, the tree is mingling with autumnal decorations and I am ready to paint the entire town (house, and not paint, but you get the idea) red.

Data points

 When I fainted at the hospital, Anna said it was a data point.  It's a really kind way to frame it.  Figure yourself out is what I need, but also data points.

Yesterday was another data point.

I dragged (and I mean dragged) myself to school.  I tried to process what had happened and what needed to happen in my classroom.  My brain was muddy.  Maren asked me what I was doing for writing.  After a few moments it finally came to me.  I had a plan.  Yes, a plan. What was my plan....

She said, "How about I teach writing?"  She'd already offered to do literacy.  She said, "Let me help you."

I got through the morning.  It was rough.  Melva came in to work in my classroom because I literally have an army of people holding up my arms.  Later, I was eating lunch in my classroom when the room started swimming.

I felt like I was going to faint.

I lay down on the floor, right under my desk.  Once the world seemed less daunting, I got up and did the smartest thing I could think of.  I texted Mark to come and get me.

Miriam came in to ask me how we were scoring the math test and I tried to explain the principles of standards based grading that led my thinking on how to score the test, but I finally gave up.  I asked her to go find Maren.

I told Maren that I was coming into my classroom with my kids over the weekend so not to worry about how it looked at the end of the day.

She said, "Well, it will be clean."

I feel like crying just thinking about how kind people are to me!

I saw Jeff in the hall and said (as if the fact I was carrying my coat and bag didn't make it obvious) that I was leaving.  I told him I almost fainted and Maren was taking my class.

He said, "I don't want you driving...."

I told him my son was coming.  Once we were driving home, Mark brought up  It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World.  My boys are often the embodiment of Sylvester, coming for their mama.

Braeden and Anna and QE were at our house by the time we got there.  I was happy to see them.  I lay on the bed in QE's room while she played.  When Adam got home, she giggled and pranced around the room from the sheer joy of Papa.  It made me happy, but not as happy as it made Adam.

Later, they all went to the park and I took a 45 minute nap.  I downed my electrolytes and felt human again by evening.

Kim texted that they had some pumpkin cheesecake to drop off.  She had two plates, one regular and one gluten free.  We have the nicest neighbors in the universe (I'm sorry to everyone that doesn't live in our cul-de-sac).  The fact that people bring us gluten free stuff (when it seriously is a pain) makes me feel loved and seen.

Melva dropped off a Christmas dishtowel and poem from the RS.  I thanked her again for coming to my classroom.  She said, "For the first time today, you looked like you didn't feel well.  Usually you hide it really well, but I could tell today."

She was not wrong.

So data points:  I am lacking in words to express my gratitude for the kindness of literally everyone who I came in contact with yesterday.  On my roughest days, people just show up for me.

Also, I think I'm going to start staying home the Tuesday after chemo.  It wasn't actually that comfortable (or hygienic) on the floor under my desk at school.

I'm OK

 This has been rough.  I have felt more sick this time around for sure.  More fatigued, more nauseous.  Discouraging, but it shouldn't be because it was predicted.

I didn't want to, because it hurts to use my port, but I went in yesterday to get more fluids through IV.  I thought it would help me and I needed help.

The nurses there are the epitome of kind and efficient.  They just sweep through the motions of everything, gently and swiftly taking care of business.

I think the IV helped.

When I was driving home, I saw a young woman on an electric scooter.  She was wearing a black hoodie.  On the back it said, "I'm BROKEN" but the OK was highlighted, so what I saw was "I'm OK."

I thought it covered how I felt.

I have a bruise on my chest from needles jabbing into my port.  I feel tired and sick and out of sorts.  I have a school day ahead with energetic children whose energy will not match my own.

At the same time, I had people checking in with me yesterday.  A parent of a student, my sub, Olivia, Maren.  They all wanted to know how I was.  Marie Louise texted and wants to bring me dinner.

Maren wondered if she could teach my literacy lesson today.

I picked up the mail and I had a card from my cousin Leslie.

She is thinking of me and praying for me.

The brokenness I feel from time to time is humbling and hard.

The OK always wins though.  I can't stay in my broken state with so much love from people.

I can't stay broken when Adam and Mark do all the heavy lifting around here.

I can't stay broken when people are praying for me.

I can't stay broken when I consider that Jesus Christ, who descended below all, understands how I feel (little old me!) and loves me.

Yes, I'm very much OK.

Weekend

 ✓ chemo on Thursday

✓ chemo on Friday

I am now 1/3 of the way done with chemo!  

Having Olivia there with me was wonderful.  She stayed with us which was also wonderful.  She was 100% an easy keeper + she brought me 12 wrapped gifts for a twelve days of Christmas.

I was at the cancer center for 8 1/2 hours again on Thursday.  I didn't have any big reactions, but they kept it at about half speed.  The nurse reassured me over and over that having reactions again would be "extremely rare" but he also had me move to the section of the room where the chairs are close to the nurse station "just in case."  Mixed message....

We met with the doctor and they hooked me up and we chatted in the morning and then Mark brought us lunch (sandwiches from Jimmy Johns).  In the afternoon we moved to the table on the other side of the room and played Skip Bo (which my mom had bought for the occasion).  One Christmas break when we were in college we played Skip Bo a lot.  And Olivia tried to cheat a lot.

We couldn't remember exactly how to play and we didn't want to read the instructions so we kept glancing at them and handing them back and forth.  We needed Marianne or Adam there.  I think oldest kids are the instruction readers.  Just tell me how to play.

I think we finally figured it out and Olivia did try to cheat, but I stopped her.  We laughed a whole lot and hopefully didn't disturb anyone.  I also told her about the plot to Hot Frosty which Emma and I watched on Netflix last year and we cackled and cried from laughing so much.  Emma and I need to find a new so-bad-it's-good Christmas movie this year.  I wish Olivia could join us.

My friend Misty brought us delicious beef stew for dinner and then we played Qwixx.  I went to bed, but before I did, I ordered Qwixx for Olivia from Amazon and it was on the porch in the morning.  I am a Qwixx evangelist!

I was really tired and also awake for a few hours in the wee hours.  Gotta love the combination of steroids that keep you awake and anti nausea that makes you sleepy!

We stopped by the Lindon temple on the way to chemo.

It is so lovely.

Once I was hooked up, Olivia and I were both on our laptops doing Christmas shopping.  I had Old Navy Super Cash and I didn't need anything so I placed an order for her, delivered to her house and hopefully not to QE accidentally because I have done that several times (she's the main Old Navy person I buy for and sometimes I send her some pants for Mark....)

We also took advantage of some Lands End sales.  The time flew by.  Mark came and I can only have two visitors at a time, so Adam went to sit in the van and work.  He had his phone and computer out and I guess left his backpack on top of his car.

We went to lunch and the backpack flew off his car on North County Blvd.  He didn't realize.

After a lovely lunch at First Watch, we said good-bye to Olivia and Adam and I drove back to the cancer center to see if he'd left his backpack there.  He hadn't.  He had an air tag inside and this could be an ad for air tags, because it let him know that his backpack was on North County Blvd.  It is a very busy road!

His backpack was found as well as the contents scattered about.  Luckily his laptop and phone weren't inside.  He had a pair of sunglasses and a pair of reading glasses that were absolutely shattered.  He had mints and Werther's caramels that he uses as cough drops.  Both were obliterated.  The air tag seemed broken, but he could put it back together.

  The air tag is the hero of the story and there it is, in pieces.

His wallet took a beating too....

I spent the rest of the afternoon resting.  I was napping when Ami and Molly brought me dinner.  Also gifts.  They are so good to me.  They brought the happiest water bottle with pink and red smiley faces all over it.  I told Mark, "When the right person knows your favorite color, it is magic."  They also brought me some socks with books all over them.

I went to bed early, but sleep was a little elusive again.

Saturday was a whole lot more sitting around.  Adam and Mark went on a big grocery shopping trip to get everything for when Braeden and Anna and QE are here this week as well as Thanksgiving.  Adam was going to go to the hospital to visit a man in our ward who just had a kidney transplant.  He asked if I wanted to go with him and it seemed doable.  I just needed to sit in the car and sit at the hospital and he said that he would get a wheelchair so I wouldn't even have to walk in the hall at the hospital.

It all went to plan.  There were three other people from our ward visiting and I talked with everyone and felt fine.  Then, all of the sudden, I didn't feel fine.  I felt like I was going to faint.  I told Adam and we said our good-byes and he wheeled me into the hall.  The next thing I knew, there were about six nurses swarmed around me taking my pulse and putting an oxygen monitor on me and taking my blood pressure and Adam was telling me to breathe.  There were some EMTs there with a gurney and I thought they just happened along but Adam told me later that they were there for me.

I was so out of it! 

Adam explained later that when we left the room, I slumped over and he kept me from falling out of the wheelchair and alerted a nurse for help.  It all felt surreal and I was embarrassed that I was out in the world if I couldn't handle it any better than that.

They kept asking me if I wanted to go to the ER and I didn't know, but Adam said yes.  He wanted to get me some fluids.  So we went.  One of the nurses took command of the chair and we went a back way and bypassed the waiting room and got right in.  They hooked me up to lots of monitors and took some blood and gave me a liter of IV fluid.  I had an EKG, which felt a little like overkill, but I wasn't really in a state to argue.

Finally after a few hours, the doctor returned and said that my bloodwork showed that I was very anemic and compared to the bloodwork the hospital had in their records from August (when I had my bone marrow biopsy I guess?), it was not going well.  She wondered if I had internal bleeding.  I asked if it could be related to my lymphoma or chemo and she didn't seem to think so.  I pulled up my records on my phone from my cancer doctor and she saw that my hematocrit and hemoglobin have been a hot mess for a while so that made her feel a little better.

She asked if I had a wheelchair at home. (No.) She asked if I had stairs. (Yes.)  She was mulling whether to let me leave without a blood transfusion and Adam said, "Our son does the laundry.  She doesn't need to go up and down the stairs."

How desperate were we to get out of the hospital that we thought our son doing the laundry would tip the scales?!?  It cracked me up later when I thought about it.

She finally said I could go if I could prove that I was ambulatory.  They unhooked me from everything, but kept everything attached to me in case I didn't pass the test I guess.  I had to walk up and down the hall and I tried to look as ambulatory as possible.

I passed and we went home.  I told Adam I felt really dumb about all of it.  He said that maybe it was a tender mercy that we were together and in a hospital because if it had happened at home, I could have fallen and hit my head.  Also, I do think the fluids were what I needed.  They revived me quite a bit.  

Sunday I stayed home.  I watched church using the link Adam sent me and tried to do family history, but didn't have much success.  I am definitely more sick this time around.  Emma came over and we played Skip Bo and ate soup and generally enjoyed our time together.

I slept 11 hours last night.

I hope I am up for school tomorrow.

Grateful Wednesday

I'm taking time off from my blog in honor(?) of chemo.

So today's grateful Wednesday.

I'm grateful that there is snow on the mountain.  It will never not feel like money in the bank when there is snow on the mountain.

I'm grateful Olivia is coming to do chemo with me.  

I'm grateful that I have a really good sub.  She is spectacular and the whole school knows it.

I'm grateful for the kind people at my doctor's office.  Marie Louise told me that cancer doctors and nurses are extra nice and I think that is true.

I'm grateful for all the things I have to entertain myself when I am down and out.  Good books, cross-stitch, coloring books, podcasts, Netflix.  It's a good time to be alive.

I'm grateful that while chemo isn't anyone's idea of a good time, it will be a blessed relief from certain unnamed students who exhaust me.

I'm grateful for all the offers of help that I get.  A woman in our ward texted me yesterday wondering if she could come and clean my house.

I'm grateful that I don't need that kind of help.  We're doing OK and are not without our resources.  (Still grateful it is offered.)

I'm grateful for my team.  Miriam has been gone and I miss her.  Alissa came in my room after school and we validated each other about some of the crazy town.

It's the main thing we do.  That and remind each other of things. Every day one of us is saying something like, "Don't forget the assembly!"  The other two say, "What assembly?"  

"Don't forget the fire drill."

"Fire drill?"

Teams make things better.  

I'm grateful for my family.  Braeden sends a text about the Roman Empire and that just gives Emma permission to be witty and Mark to follow up with some cleverness of his own.

Those guys entertain me.

I'm doubly grateful for Mark and Adam.  They are endlessly kind to me and do so many things to help both physically and emotionally.

Like the Irving Berlin song states, "I've got plenty to be thankful for."

Teacher! Teacher! I have a joke

 Yesterday at recess, a boy in Miriam's class came up to me and told me a knock knock joke.  I'm pretty sure I have heard every knock knock joke third graders know.

Maybe being a third grade teacher is hearing the same jokes over and over and saying something like, "Ha!  That's a good one!" until you die.

Since it was recess duty and I had time on my hands, I considered the other third grade teacher things.

If they have markers, they will snap them together with the top of one attached to the bottom of another.  They will wave them and be disruptive and you finally have to take away the markers.

If it is "Read with a Cop," half of them won't be able to see the pictures because while the cop has lots of cop skills, he doesn't know how to hold a book so kids can see the pictures.  The other half will just openly talk and not listen and you will have to give meaningful looks to just get them to act a little bit civilized.

Also, they will ask the cop every time how old he is (48--seriously, every time) and if he's ever shot anyone (no).

Sometimes they will laugh and gasp at points during my read aloud which is endlessly gratifying and other times they will do things like sharpen a pencil or come up to ask me some random question during read aloud which is endlessly maddening.

They are the biggest tattle-tales in the world, which makes my job so much easier.  I know they will rat each other out.  Even their best friends.

They criticize my handwriting when I write on the board.  If my letters aren't perfectly formed, they act like it is unreadable.  Listen.  I can read your writing.  Apply yourself and I bet you can figure it out.

I try to care about someone cutting in line when they are lining up to come inside at the beginning of the day, but really?  I don't care.  It is the difference of 10 seconds if you're the end of the line or first of the line.  They lay their backpacks out to save their spots and then run and play and inevitably someone takes their spot even though their backpack was there.

And I don't care.

They also are so sweet.  At least once a week someone plunks a bottle of hand sanitizer or a container of wipes on my desk.  They smile shyly when I thank them and they say, "It's from my mom."

(For the record, I didn't ask anyone to bring hand sanitizer or wipes, but they keep coming.)

I know some of them pray for me every day.

I love when they say, "I don't get it," or "This doesn't make sense."  Because then I can help them.

I love when they remind each other, "Mistakes are proof that you are trying."

I love when they remind me of that.

I love that they want to tell me their jokes.

Weekend

 Weekends are long when Adam is gone.  Also, I'm glad I have Mark.  We were both kind of droopy on Friday so he went and got pizza and we united separately like the introverts that we are.

Saturday I had him help me prep the upstairs guest rooms for Thanksgiving week when Emma and QE will be our upstairs guests.  Those two rooms tend to be storage for primary stuff, Christmas gifts, stuff to take to DI, stuff to take to Nevada.  Mark helped me get it all sorted and we made beds.  (Luckily there is a bunkbed in QE's room so I recruited the top bunk for storage.  The basement guest room is going to wait for another day with renewed energy.

We went to Winco and planned our Christmas break.  We had an original plan, but then found out about when Marianne and Robert's farewell is and when Olivia's Holiday Brunch is and we were reworking our plan.  I think we came up with a winner.  Mark texted it all to Adam and I think we are all on board.

I spent a certain amount of time over the weekend worried about Braeden.  He had some health troubles, but is past the worst of it.  I felt very grateful for Anna.  When your children are far away, it is so nice to know that they are in good hands.

Emma was in Atlanta with Adam for WGU graduation (Emma volunteered to help) and had a good time.  I talked to them while they were on their way to meet Whitney and Kelly for dinner.

Besides that, I did a whole lot of nothing.  I read and cross-stitched and folded the laundry that Mark washed and dried.  I feel better generally, but I still get so tired.  Adam and Emma and Mark all told me, "Well, you have cancer."

I know that.  But I don't want that.  

(I know. Too bad, so sad.)

Sunday morning I felt super nauseous while trying to eat breakfast.  I ended up throwing it away because I couldn't finish.  At times like that I wonder, is this lymphoma?  Is it something else?

I sort of rallied and decided that I was OK to go to church.  It wasn't my turn to lead the singing, but I used bells for our new Christmas song and I wanted to bring the bells for when I will be gone because of chemo.  Also, to set the scene, I sit in the front row at church.  

During sacrament meeting, I started feeling SO sick.  If I hadn't been sitting in the front row + carrying bells, I would have left.  After the meeting, I took my bells to primary and dropped them off and went straight home.

Eventually I felt like some of my toddler food (applesauce).  The day was improved when Adam came home!  I was so happy to see that guy!  He brought me a shirt from Buc-ee's.  It is hard for him to go to the South without going to Buc-ee's and it is hard for him to go to Buc-ee's without buying me a shirt.

We played Monopoly Deal and Mexican Train with Mark (Emma didn't come since she also just got home from a trip).  Then we watched a show on PBS that Adam had been wanting for us to watch together.  I slept through it, but good news!  I finally felt like eating.  Adam and Mark were preparing dinner and I sat at the counter and said that I could chop the Brussels sprouts.  Adam handed me a knife and cutting board, but then took them back away and said, "Maybe when you're a little more awake."

So I was relegated to lining the sheet pan with parchment paper.

I felt slightly gloomy last night because of feeling sick and today being Monday and cold and I have recess duty.  Then I saw a text from Camille who used to live in our ward.  She texted me that their family prays for me every day and that she hoped I was doing well.  It was just the kindest thing.  It made me remember the people who stopped me in the hall (on my woozy way to the primary room to drop off the bells) to tell me they are praying for me.

There are hard days, but I am being helped.  Over and over and I need to keep remembering that. 

Grateful Friday

 Yesterday we had district training.  It isn't my favorite.  Sitting in a chair all day, getting a firehose of information and being forced to get up and talk to a stranger at intervals....

I talked to a woman from another school in one of our forced encounters and she said, "I hate things like this."

I said, "I do too."

She said, "Why can't we just stay with our teams?"

So we bonded over that.

What I did like about yesterday was being with my pals.  I love what they bring to the table besides being teachers. 

To illustrate background knowledge, the presenter played a very colorful sports announcer talking about a baseball game.  I got most of it because of the osmosis of being married to Adam.  One woman said that she knew it was about sports ball of some kind.

Alissa, wife of the UVU baseball head coach that she is, understood every word.

Jamie was with us and she pulled out a zippered pouch full of the best pens and they were "space pens" as in they looked like a starry sky.  She handed them around so we could all try them.  Jamie always has the newest best of something and she loves nothing more than sharing.

At one point, Alissa and I decided we wanted to order these writing posters for our rooms.  We told Miriam and she said that she had already ordered one for herself.  I logged into the print shop website and it was super confusing.  Alissa couldn't even find it.  "Can you do it and I'll Venmo you?" I asked Miriam.  She said yes, but she couldn't remember if she'd had Matt pay for it with textbook money.  (Textbook money is this nebulous account that exists for such a time as this.)  The poster was $5.  I said, "I'm Venmoing you anyway.  For time and trouble."

There was no way figuring out that website was worth $5.

Miriam headed out after work to go to Mexico for a BBQ competition.  She knows BBQ.  When we were deciding where to go to lunch and Jamie mentioned R&R (which I don't really love), Miriam gave a side eye, but she would never say she didn't like their BBQ.  She is maybe the nicest woman alive.  (Alissa and I round out the team by occasionally being snarky.)

I said, "Miriam doesn't like R&R and why would she eat BBQ anywhere other than at home?"

Honestly, her pulled pork is hands down the best I've ever tried.

We landed on First Watch, a new breakfast/brunch place in PG.  It was good.  We talked about Christmas presents and the most important Thanksgiving food and bras and soda and dialysis and nail polish and how delicious all the food we ordered was.

We work together every day, but sometimes it's so fun to just talk about nonsense.

In the afternoon Jamie switched with Maren.  Our presenter kept shushing us when we talked so I was whisper mouthing to Maren across the table about how we were going to do a writing project about inventors and she kept mouthing, "What?!?"

I found a sticky note and wrote it out and passed it to her.

She said, "Oh!  I thought you were saying vintner and I thought that was a really interesting choice for 3rd grade."

Sticky notes kind of kept us out of trouble, but we got shushed a lot.

I'm grateful for my friends.

3rd grade

I like how curious third graders are.  We read a story about the solar system and I loved fielding all their questions.  They didn't understand how the tilting of the earth accounted for seasons, even when I tried to explain.

I had a boy stand in the front and said he was the Sun.  I used the globe and tilted it toward and away from him and they all nodded appreciatively and said, "Ohhh."

I told the boy that if he wanted to be a Sun when he grew up, he had a bright future.

No one appreciated or noticed  my play on words, but sometimes I just do that for my own delight.

One of my English learners randomly brought up "Marktic McFly" who another student dressed as for Halloween.

"What is this Marktic McFly?" he asked curiously.  I thought it was remarkable that he remembered the name.  

I explained it was Marty McFly and he was from a movie called, Back to the Future.

He said, "And this Marktic McFly is good?"

I said, "Yes, it's a good movie.  The movie is Back the Future."  I told him maybe it was on Netflix.  What I love is that this boy has an insatiable thirst for English.  He is constantly asking me what things mean and what something is called.

Curiosity may kills cats, but it gives me purpose.  Answer all the questions.  That is my quest.

Yesterday I wore my bright red boots to school.  They are the ones the second grade teachers said reminded them of Lily's Purple Purse.

I will take it.

My girls said, "I like your boots."

One of them said, "They are fire."

It went straight to my head.  Imagine me with that same expression as Lily.  Red boots are cheering and that is all.

A few days ago we started our advent calendar.  It takes so much explaining.  It isn't days until Christmas, it is days until Christmas break.  Discuss, discuss, discuss.  I would still be there answering questions if I hadn't cut it off.

I bought a mini brand advent calendar with 24 mini brands and then some more besides.  They can trade in their mini brand if they don't like it, but only on the same day.  So much clarification.  They all had a "but what if..." scenario.

I think I got everyone on the same page and they are thrilled.  It is exciting and they all crowd around and ooh and aaah when someone has opened one.  They keep asking if everyone gets one.  Yes, you do.

I like teaching the least entitled kids in America.

The Rotary Club gave them dictionaries.  They can keep them forever and take them home.

So exciting!

They looked up things and excitedly told each other the page.

Yesterday after school, one of my students and his three brothers knocked on my door.  I had both older brothers and they are easily among my very favorite students.  The two older brothers were very concerned about the dictionary.  Their parents don't speak English and they are the emissaries for the family.  "He brought this big book home..."

I said it was his and he could keep it.  They looked relieved, all four of them.  I said, "Didn't you guys get dictionaries when you were in third grade?"  It seems like we've done it most years.  They said no.  So I said they could all share it.  They went away happy.

Speaking of dictionaries, my students discovered the American Sign Language signs for every letter and number in the back of the dictionary.  They all quickly learned how to sign 6 and 7.  

It is infinitely less annoying than them saying it all the time.

Up and down

 Things exhausting me:

Emotionally fraught conversations with parents, especially when they don't speak English and the conversation is filtered through a translator.  I had two such conversations yesterday.

Having cancer.  Turns out it keeps tiring me out.

Writing sub plans.  I have district training on Thursday and then I will have my three chemo days to write sub plans for.

Worrying about people I love.

Things lifting me:

Going to Bonneville Night at Culver's.  The 6th grade student council kids served the food and they were so cute in their blue aprons.  It was packed with Bonneville families and I loved seeing everyone.  So many kids came up and said hello to me.  Mark kept saying, "Are those your students?"  None of them were this year's students.  They just know me and it's exciting to see a teacher in the wild.  

I told Mark, "When you go with me, you're going with a celebrity."

He said, "Yeah...."

Chatting with Olivia on the phone.  She is going to come and stay with us and go to chemo with me next week.  She and Hannah schemed that we could play card games like Speed during chemo. They reasoned that Olivia would win because I would be hampered by, you know, being hooked up to IV.  This is the kind of support I'm really looking for.

My new therapist.  She is local and I like that.  (I liked my other one too, but I like that this one is in my time zone.)  She is Swedish and as I was at therapy last night, I was watching her face and I feel like she looks so familiar to me.  I finally realized she reminds me a lot of my grandpa Dahl (who was mostly Swedish) and my aunt Jennifer.  

Basically she is like my people.

She gives me lots of homework, which is kind of good news and bad news because I don't have a lot of time for homework, but I think it is helpful.

Less difficult

 What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other.

George Eliot

Last night I talked to Enoch on the phone, my biggest little brother.  (He's like Reno, the biggest little city.)

He asked me about how cancer was going.  He gave me encouragement and told me they're praying for me, which means a lot.  He understands having a chronic disease.

We talked about diabetes.  I asked him for practical ways I could help Mark.  Talking to Enoch was both validating and encouraging.  He acknowledged all the ways it is tricky and unpredictable.  He told me clever ways he helps mitigate some of that.  I have never once heard him feel sorry for himself that he has diabetes.  I don't think it's in his vocabulary.  If you ever need to talk to an optimist, call Enoch.

We talked about parenting, the highs and lows.  We both know they don't always do what we would do.  We both know we love our kids anyway and it's probably going to all be OK.

Enoch was missing his dinner to talk to me before I went to bed, which I appreciate.  (He said, "Don't worry, I always get food.)

I felt lighter after talking to him.  Being understood is such a gift.