Blogging on TUESDAY

Adam's aunt Mary asked me, "Do you not blog on Tuesday because you're too stressed from Monday?"

I hadn't noticed the pattern, but probably.

Mondays are rough.

I have a lot to say today though, even though yesterday was indeed, rough.

We had a good trip to Seattle.  Happy sad.  We drove there on Thursday.  Adult kids are kind of the dream on road trips.  I took enough road trips with toddlers and preschoolers that I appreciate adult kids.  We listened to podcasts and comedians and music.  When we were getting near to our destination, I said I wanted to listen to my music after listening to the kids' choices all day.  Mark kept saying, "Can I make a request?"

I said, "No.  We're going to listen to this playlist."

Mark kept asking and Emma did too.  I said some salty remark and Adam said, "Kind words."

When he does that, it doesn't make me feel inclined to be kind, quite the opposite.  It does however make me keep my sour mood to myself.  So mission accomplished, Adam.

Friday we spent the day at Geri's.  The kids went to the airport for Braeden (again, winning with adult children).  It was good to see him and all be together, but it no longer feels complete when it is the five of us.  The fab five have become the magnificent seven and without Anna and Eleanor, we felt incomplete.

It was nice to be together at Geri's.  We hugged and cried and talked.  In the evening, we went to the viewing.  There was a slideshow running of pictures of Raelyn and it broke my heart.  All the pictures of her smiling, all the memories I remembered, all the promise of her newfound independence, it was all so sad.  It came to such a tragic end.  

There was a lot of crying there.  Emma and I sat on the couch for awhile and just went through Kleenex after Kleenex.  We visited with family too, which was nice.  Happy sad.  

That evening, I think we must have felt a cathartic release because our laughter eclipsed our tears.  We looked through a photo album of school pictures of Adam and his siblings, teasing them about their hair and clothes and poses.  It felt good to laugh together. 

Saturday was the funeral.  I continued to feel all the sad emotions, but I felt something else too.  I felt loved and a desire to be better.  

Adam's cousin from the Davis side, Cathy, came from Pocatello.  I told her that was so kind and I wanted to be like her when I grew up.  She said simply, "Well, we're family."

Geri's family who live in Bellingham, were there in full force, giving their love and support.  I haven't seen them for a few years and it was nice to see them and feel the love they always show to me.  I always tell Adam, he has the nicest cousins and aunts and uncles.

Geri's neighbor, Marilyn and her daughter Melissa, were there.  They came up to hug me after the funeral. I told Marilyn that on the Sunday we found out, Adam had talked to his mom and said, "I heard Marilyn in the background."

Marilyn looked a little sheepish when I said that, like maybe I was calling her a loudmouth.  

I started crying though.  I said, "It meant so much to us that you were there.  We wished we could be there and we loved that you were there.  You are a good neighbor."

Marilyn hugged me again.  She said, "Geri is a good neighbor!  I don't know what I'd do without her."

Eric and Janet came to the funeral.  We talked to them for about ten minutes over the whole weekend, but like really good chocolate, it was satisfying even though it was a small piece.  They are our eternal more-like-friends-than-family friends.  When we said good-bye to Eric, Braeden called over his shoulder, "We'll live in the same cul-de-sac in heaven."

I'm fully planning on it.

Linn and Geri's forever friends, the Meldrums, were there.  I probably haven't seen them for a decade, but we visited and caught up and I told Sydney that her chocolate cake roll with mint ice cream had informed Braeden's birthday cake choices since he was about 5 years old.

A high school teacher of Raelyn's spoke at the funeral, as well as two women who worked with her in her adult learning programs.  I was blown away by their goodness and kindness and love for Raelyn.  

I was inspired by the big turnout at her funeral.  She touched people.  She mattered to us all.  She will be so missed.

Our kids took a picture with their cousins and it makes me happy and also devastated because there is someone missing.  It seriously doesn't look right.

Raelyn should be right there, in front of Jackson, next to Talia, her white blonde hair lightening the picture, her radiant smile outshining the sun.

We reconvened at Geri's after the funeral.  When we were driving to her house, Mark said, "I feel better now than I have ever since we found out about Rae."  

It was healing.

We talked into the evening, the Kraken game on in the background, on mute.  We pulled out the photo album again and recreated family photos from 1997:

Scott, Brian
Megan, Whitney
Adam

We had the 1997 babies recreate their photo too:

Braeden, Kain and Talia (Talia had the same baby blanket)

It was really nice to be together all weekend.  I really wish it were for a different reason.

Sunday evening, Adam took Emma and Mark and me to the airport and he stayed on for a few more days. Braeden flew home yesterday morning and they carved pumpkins Sunday night.

Life can be really really hard.  Things happen that are devastating.  What a difference family makes.  What a difference kind and helpful people make.  What a difference friends and good neighbors make.  It all amounts to a community of loved ones who lift arms that hang down.

I went away from the weekend loving my family more, resolving to show up for people I love, and feeling grateful for the Atonement of Jesus Christ, which blunts the sting and pain of mortal life more than anything.