My eulogy for my mother

 In Salt Lake City, Utah, on April 2, 1949, Coralee Jaynes was born to Homer Warren Jaynes, Jr. and Thelma Louise Wood Jaynes. When she was two years old, they moved to Nevada.  My mother was the oldest of five children.  Her brothers Warren, Richard, Fred and sister Mary have always been an important part of her life. From a young age, her hard working parents taught them to work and to serve.  At first her family lived in Starr Valley and Coralee rode the same bus to Wells to go to school as our dad.  When she was in elementary school, her grandpa wrote a teasing message in her autograph book about “that Dahl boy.”  She cried until he changed it.  When she was 12 years old, her family moved to Wells.  While she was waiting for her younger sister, Mary, to grow up and become a friend, she developed close relationships with her cousins and made many lifelong friends at school.  Eventually, she came around to “that Dahl boy,” and she and my dad became high school sweethearts.  

After high school, she went to BYU where she studied accounting and our dad went to cow camp and served a mission.  In 1970, they were married in the Salt Lake Temple.  They lived in Provo briefly while my mom finished her degree.  From there, they moved back to Starr Valley, where they have made their home ever since.

Our mother loved accounting and passed the CPA exam, but her greatest desire was to be a full-time wife and mother. Our dad worked as a cowboy and eventually a silversmith and bit and spur maker.  Through the ups and downs of starting a business and being a starving artist, she stood shoulder to shoulder with our dad, with support and encouragement.  Their marriage is the kind of partnership I aspire to.

She blessed her children’s lives by giving her full attention to raising them. Our mother was a natural-born teacher.  She taught us to love books with hours of read aloud time nestled by her on the couch or in the car while our dad drove.  She taught us poetry and art appreciation and piano lessons and she taught my sisters and me to bake bread and to sew and quilt.  It’s not her fault that I’m not a good seamstress because she tried.

A big proponent of “work before play” and “any job worth doing is worth doing well,” she taught us to work. 

Our mother homeschooled my brothers and Olivia for parts or all of elementary school.  I think she would have homeschooled all of us if she’d had the idea earlier. She applied the tenacity and strong will she brought to everything else in her life to homeschooling.  Following her example, many of us have homeschooled our own children.  I know my mother never would have traded the extra time with her children she was gifted by homeschooling. 

Later, when we were mostly grown, our mother became a business teacher at Wells High School.  It was kind of a good news/bad news situation for my brothers who were still in high school.  She was there to witness their shenanigans.  Later, she enjoyed working as an accountant in Elko at McMullin McPhee.

Through all the busyness she surrounded herself with, she somehow found time to make wedding and graduation quilts for her children and baby blankets, receiving blankets, graduation afghans, doll blankets and doll clothes for her grandchildren.  It often seemed to me like my mother had an inexhaustible store of energy.  When our youngest baby was born, she came to stay with us and help.  She took excellent care of us, cooking and cleaning and tending to all of us. With all of that work, she still had my husband, Adam, drive her to the craft store to get a project because she needed more to do.

Coralee served in various positions as a member of the Church, including a mission in Nauvoo. She and my dad dressed in period clothing, (which was basically my dad’s regular clothing).  My dad worked with the horses and they both gave tours and participated in shows.  As in every stage of their lives, they made dear friends through that service.

She loved serving on the committee that wrote the Humboldt Stake History.  She was also thrilled to be part of the Elko Temple Committee. Temple attendance was an important part of her life. When we were growing up and going to Salt Lake to visit my grandma, have our braces tightened, or shop for school clothes, serving in the temple was always part of the trip for my parents.  Since the dedication of the Elko temple and as long as her health allowed it, my parents had a standing weekly temple appointment.  My mom would get teary whenever she talked about the blessing it was to have a temple so close.

Her most cherished roles were wife, mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother. She strived to connect with all of her grandchildren.  When the oldest were small, there was a Grandma Party every summer.  She had tea parties and made waffles with granddaughters and mailed her best paper airplanes to Boston after he moved to Oregon.  Once grandchildren graduated from high school, they got a weekly email from her.

She took every opportunity to teach her grandchildren, regardless of her circumstances. She taught piano lessons, keyboarding, computers, crochet, and accounting lessons, either in person or virtually.  During covid, she offered virtual lessons to anyone interested.  When our youngest son, Mark, decided to take accounting lessons, our other two children cautioned him that Grandma’s lessons were really hard.  They weren’t wrong, but her teaching blessed all of their lives.  

The best instruction she gave us was her example of righteous devotion.  Our mother taught us the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  

When faced with discouragement, she knew where to go for help.  She had some small, yellowed with age, pieces of paper with quotes on them.  Sometimes they were tacked to the wall by the washing machine and sometimes they were in a drawer, but they became part of who she was.  Both quotes are from Elder George Q Cannon.

In 1864, he said:

I know that everything will be overruled for our good if we do right.  No matter how difficult circumstances may be to bear at the time, they are for our good, and God watches over us; His angels are round about us all the time.

In 1884, he said:

Therefore, however dark the prospects may be, however gloomy, let us remember that He who sits on high knows our condition, and that He can deliver us.

Her faith in and desire to follow Jesus Christ was a blessing to everyone around her.  These past several years, as she experienced the effects of her cancer and treatments, her faith and courage lifted me.  I had the chance to spend a week with her in Carson City a few years ago when she went there for treatment. Ever the teacher and wanting to enrich my life, she had brought a brochure about historical homes in Carson City she thought we might want to learn about while we were there.  It felt like the most Coralee Dahl thing she could have done.  At her treatment sessions, she was friends with all the other patients and knew their stories. I will always remember watching her walk into those appointments.  She had her oxygen in tow and I knew and she knew that the treatment wasn’t going to be easy, but she squared her shoulders and walked resolutely, never shrinking.  I recall thinking, she is the strongest person I know.

She constantly expressed her faith and trust in the Lord.  She repeated over and over, “This life isn’t the reward, it’s the test.”

Her final teaching to all of us is the most important one.  Like Helaman’s stripling warriors, we have been taught by our mother.

We do not doubt our mother knew it.

I know, like my mother, that Heavenly Father loves us.  I know Jesus is the Christ.  I know that because of temple covenants we can be together forever.  I have never been more grateful for that truth.

Happy/Sad Weekend

Happy/sad. That's my best way to describe the weekend.  So many times, I thought how much my mom would love whatever we were doing, all being together.  Why wasn't she there?!?  I wanted to tell her about things.  My sisters and Ammon and Melanee and Adam convened at one point to write thank you notes and when there were addresses we didn't know, the most natural thing in the world was to think that we needed to ask my mom.

We just have a big hole left behind.  We will miss her so much.

It's also been the opposite side of sadness, even joyful at times.  Our kids all arrived around noon on Saturday and it was so good to see all of them.  Adam and I went outside with QE.  She fell in the ditch.  Tromped through the lilacs bushes that are bare and scratchy right now and got tiny sticks in her hair.  We explored on the other side of the garage and I showed her where the chicken coop was when I was a little girl. She stepped into a badger hole--luckily I was holding her hand.  She lost her shoe in the hole, which I retrieved.  Then she was Cinderella and the shoe fit so Adam gave her a ride in his cart.

She is the perfect girl for here.  She is utterly unfazed by Nevada.  It won't be long before I teach her how to cross a barbed wire fence.  These are skills an adventurous Nevada girl needs--even if she only visits occasionally.

A little later in the afternoon, a bunch of family came over to visit.  I pulled out the snacks Molly and Ami gave me on our birthday, which was a perfect gift from them.  I don't think I can remember one thing we talked about, but it was good to be together.

That night we had dinner at Marianne's.  The Knudsens, our dear family friends, orchestrated it.  They brought pulled pork, a big pan of macaroni and cheese, chips and homemade salsa, coleslaw, and the most amazing rolls.  Other people brought desserts.  We were well fed!  Our aunt Mary and uncle Steve, uncle Richard and aunt Launa, and uncle Fred and our cousin Jenny came too.  Mary brought two big containers of her homemade chocolate chip cookies because that is her calling card.  It was another great evening of being together.  When dear Hannah delivered her desserts, she brought each of us a beautifully wrapped present with a wind chime inside.

At one point I was sitting with my brothers, just crying about our mom.

Happy/sad.

Saturday we went to the church and set up the guest book and a few things.  We were kind of waiting for things to start and Tabor said, "I don't know how to do this.  I never wanted to know how to do this."

Nevertheless.

We had an hour of visitation in the Relief Society room.  It was packed.  All my dad's siblings came, Aunt Jennifer from as far away as Austin, Texas!  My mom's siblings were there as well as some of both of their cousins.  We had so many cousins there!  It was incredible to me.  Sweet Leslie came from Montana, Jason from Kansas, Lincoln from Arizona.  Many came from around Nevada and Idaho and Utah.  It meant the world to me.  We hugged and cried together and I thanked them for coming and they said they wouldn't have missed it.

You can take your sliced bread or any other inventions.  Cousins were the best idea ever.

My siblings and our spouses sat on the front row of the chapel with our dad.  Edgar said the family prayer before the funeral and then Robert said the opening prayer of the funeral and Adam the closing.  I loved having them participate.  Jennifer and Katie and Melanee participated too, in more behind the scenes, but meaningful ways.  My mom loved our spouses.  She never placed her own children in a different category than our spouses.  I am grateful we all married well.

My siblings and I each spoke.  I was given the eulogy as my task, so I was first.  I was glad to be first, then I could enjoy listening to their talks more.  (I will add my eulogy to my blog because I want to remember it and it is easier to find here than in my chaotic Google Drive. Maybe I'll add it another day; I have a feeling this will be too long.) 

I felt so much love for my brothers and sisters and our parents during their talks.  I also felt grateful for the Plan of Salvation and the fact that I know we will all be together again.  My parents taught me that, but then I have had the Spirit confirm it to me.  I know what I know and I can't imagine how much harder this would be without that knowledge.

Also at the funeral, the grandchildren sang two songs.  One was "I Know that my Savior Loves Me," which was our mom's favorite primary song.  A smaller group, the ones who committed to learning parts, sang a medley that Emma had arranged of "Where Can I Turn for Peace" and "It is Well With My Soul."  I loved hearing all those talented kids.

After the funeral, I saw my stellar second cousin Katelin.  She was heading up the dinner where they were feeding all of us afterward.  She said she had enjoyed the funeral and it made her want to, "go home and be a better person."

I said, "Me too."

Hearing about my mom only makes me want to be more like her.

We drove to Starr Valley and gathered in a pretty spot near some trees behind the little building.  Edgar and his boys had dug a hole for the beautiful little box that held my mom's ashes.  My dad dedicated the grave, then placed the box inside.  He had one of the gold colored shovels from the Elko Temple groundbreaking (which meant a lot to me because of how much my mom loved that temple).  He and my brothers covered the little box and filled in the hole.  It was beautiful to me and very much in keeping with my dad's independent and can really do anything personality.  

I can tell the deep wells of his grief, but he is also so strong. 

We took a picture and my dad told me to stand in the front.  I said, "Why do I have to stand in the front?"

One of my brothers said, "Because you're short." (I was wearing chunky platform heels.  I'm still short.)

Mariann, Olivia, Ammon, our dad, me, Enoch and Tabor

Pictures are hard.  People are looking all different directions, but I love these people so much.

They are anchors in my life.  Tall ones.  Maybe I should call them pillars in my life.

We went back to the church for another delicious meal provided by good people.  I sat at a table with cousins.  Margaret, Catherine, Ira, Lincoln, Hannah, Mica, Sarah and Leslie.  It was a happy spot.  One thing we talked about was how close my dad and his siblings were.  We decided it was an inspiration to us to be close to our siblings and also a huge comfort that they have each other.

Olivia came and joined us later, saying she wanted to be at the cool kids table.

Lincoln asked me if I remembered when I was a little girl and used to come to their house and say, "L-l-l-l-ets play house."

I said I didn't remember that.  

Margaret said, "I remember playing army and you were always the general."

Lincoln said, "Well, of course I was."

We gathered at Olivia's for the thank you note writing then we had dinner again at Marianne's.  We called it a faith dinner in our planning.  We were thinking we'd have leftovers from everything and just decided to have faith that we would.  It all worked out and we had more than enough food.

We left kind of early because I was exhausted.  Chemo effects keep their hold, but I think it is loosening.  I am planning to get better every day (and hopefully my body will cooperate).

Sunday we had a lovely Palm Sunday Easter service in the Wells ward.  I told Adam that I was not going to cry that day.  I said, "My eyes can't take it."

I didn't do well with that resolve.

Grief and love and gratitude are all swimming around inside me and come out my eyes.

After church Desi and Liberty and Liliana made a lovely meal for us.  They are much like their mothers which is the best compliment I can give those charming and capable girls.  It was nice to visit some more, then we had a little Easter program, guided by Marianne.  She had these beautiful reminders of events.

Robert laid them in a line on the floor after everyone shared their scriptures about them. 

It is fitting this one has a baby blanket and a knee in the frame.  We were very cozy because there are a lot of us.

At the end, We knelt together and prayed as a family.  There was a mass food giveaway:  who will take this?!?  Then I hugged a lot and cried some more as we said our good-byes.

I am grateful for my family and for all of the really, really good people who showed so much love and support.  And I am grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

Now I need to remember how to be a third grade teacher.

Grateful Friday

 My sisters and I took a walk.  Our second cousin, Jon, drove by and stopped.  He said, "All three Dahl girls on a walk.  You don't see that every day!"

I wish it was every day.

When we got back to our house, Adam came out to chat with us.  I told my sisters about the new mop/vacuum I had and Adam brought it outside and modeled it like he was a Barker beauty and our front porch was The Price is Right.

Alas, the thing leaked!  I contacted the company and help is apparently on the way, but I was sorely disappointed.  I had to mop my floor like a regular person.

While I mopped, Adam power washed the front porch and cleaned out the garage a little bit.  It's nice to be here.  

In the afternoon, we picked up my dad and Ammon and drove to Elko.  We met up with everyone at the temple.  I think that temple session will be something I always remember.  First of all Craig and Jean Spratling, who were some of our nearest neighbors growing up, and Scott and Laurel Egbert were working there. Scott is my dad's cousin and Laurel one of my mom's close friends.  It felt good to be there with people we knew and loved.

The temple always reminds me of God's love for me and my place in the world.  I think I couldn't have been reminded at a better time.  After our session, there was a lot of hugging and crying by all of us.  And so much love.  We are bound together and I'm grateful.

I don't know what it is like for my mom; I don't know if she was there with us.  I do know that if there was any way that she could have been there with us, in the Elko temple that she loved so much, she would have been.

We took a picture outside the temple.  (Isaiah took it.  We posed and he said, "Do you want to be centered in front of the temple?"  We needed him!)

Enoch, Jennifer, Adam, me, Ammon, Olivia, Marianne, our dad and Robert

Edgar had been there too (handing me Kleenex in the celestial room), he was just already in the car.  We missed Melanee and Tabor and Katie who are still coming.  

And we missed my mom.

We all went to dinner together at Mattie's and enjoyed our time.  I love being with all of them.

I love this, by President Nelson, about the temple:

The temple lies at the center of strengthening our faith and spiritual fortitude because the Savior and His doctrine are the very heart of the temple. 

Spiritual fortitude is what I need.  I am grateful for all the places I get my fortitude strengthened: walking with my sisters, spending time tending to our ancestral home with Adam, basking in family time, being in the temple.

I am grateful for the many blessings I lucked into.  Life isn't fair and usually that works very much in my favor.

Leave it to my sisters

 Tuesday I got my hair chopped.  I don't have a picture and I'm comfortably tucked in with a blanket so a picture isn't forthcoming. 

But it's short.  

Every time I had chemo, a week later I would lose handfuls of hair.  All those handfuls added up to really thin hair.  Joelyn and I discussed and I showed her a picture on my phone.  I asked her, "Will I look like a Q-tip?"  (My fear with a circle of curls around my head.)

She said, "No.  Maybe if we dyed your hair platinum blonde...."

It wasn't exactly reassuring, but I went ahead with it.

My plan when I got home from my hair appointment was to get ready to go.  I was exhausted so I did nothing.  My body doesn't always cooperate with my plans, which is rude of it.

Yesterday I started with my typed up two page, with columns, list of everything that needed to be done before we left.  We were bringing the round of things we bring every time we come--bedding and towels, food--plus things for the funeral--a lace tablecloth, a guest book, a good pen.  We needed specific food--snacks for QE, snacks to share with the larger family, gluten free things, all the things.

I also needed to print the eulogy, pack my clothes, tidy up the house, do something about my shoes that were spilling everywhere in our mudroom.  (The solution was to move the winter shoes to the garage since I've brought so many summer shoes in from the garage.)

Things like that.

The problem was, I kept needing to sit and rest.  I feel fine, then I get tired, then I get dizzy.  Mark calls it "our vertigo" like Buster from Arrested Development.

I have my Lucille Austero moments.

Mark is very kind.  He helps me do whatever I'm doing and tells me to sit down and drink water.  

Adam loaded the car like the Tetris wizard he is.  I wanted to bring a wooden bookshelf and he laid it down and filled the shelves with all the things.

We finally hit the road and enjoyed our time together, like we always do.  We talked a lot and listened a bit to our latest podcast.  

I was happy to get to our little house in Starr Valley.  Adam brought in loads from the car with our wagon and I unloaded and vacuumed flies (there weren't many since we were just here).  We got everything sorted and I even cleaned the bathrooms.  I love how easy it is to clean this small, sparsely furnished house.  

In the late afternoon, we went to visit my dad.  I started crying when we drove up the lane.  It's so strange that my mom isn't there.  I had a book she had lent me.  I took it upstairs and put it on a shelf.  

It was good to see my dad.  I can tell how sad he is, but I can also tell how strong he is.  When my mom was near the very end, a hospice worker told him she would prepare him.  He said, "I've been preparing for this all my life."  And he has been.  He knows what he believes and he knows in Whom he trusts.  My dad knows that Heavenly Father lives.  He knows Jesus is the Christ.  He knows temple covenants bind us together.  All those truths buoy all of us up.

We visited awhile then went over to Olivia's for a birthday party for Adam and me.

Taught by our mother, my sisters knew exactly how to celebrate my birthday.  It was so good to see Marianne and Robert!  I've missed them.  They were a little jet-lagged, but their normal cheerful selves.  

Edgar made tostadas that were delicious like everything Edgar ever makes.  We enjoyed being together.  My sisters have a practice of having everyone say something nice about the person who is being celebrated.  Olivia called Ammon and Omar back into the room.  We said, "They don't have to say anything nice about us."

Olivia said, "They want to."

I watched the two teenagers trudge dutifully back into the room and I really doubted she was correct, but they rose to the challenge and each said kind things about us.  

Marianne had made a cake; there were candles to blow out and they sang to us.  It made me happy.  Marianne had given me a birthday gift before she went to Ghana, but Olivia had a gift for me (and she tossed a beribboned package of beef jerky to Adam, which made him happy too).

It was a nice celebration.

Today I'm looking forward to mopping the floor with my new mop vacuum that, if you believe the internet, is going to change everything about my life.  I'm going to walk with my sisters and later all of my siblings and spouses, except Tabor and Katie, who won't be here yet, and my dad are going to the Elko temple together.  That will be wonderful.

I wish a lot of things were different, but I know enough to know I have a lot to be grateful for.

Third graders

Yesterday morning, while we were doing Brain Bins, which is just free play with assigned groups, one of my girls came to chat with me.  I love when they do that.  She told me she had Activity Days at church.  She said, "I like it.  Last time we watched a movie that was happy and sad."

This particular girl is very sensitive and very dramatic.  Look for her to be a telenovela star.  She said, "Last time we watched a video about Jesus Christ.  And they-"  She pointed to her palms.  She couldn't bring herself to describe the crucifixion and I don't exactly blame her.

I said, "Yes, that was sad.  But He did it for us."

She agreed.

(I never bring up religion with my students, but if they bring it up, I acknowledge them.)

 I held off telling my students that my mother had passed away until I absolutely needed to.  (I guess I didn't need to tell them, but since I'm missing three days of school, I wanted to let them know.)

I told them yesterday.  Two of my students (one was, you guessed it, the drama queen from above) ran to me and hugged me tight.  They wouldn't let go.  It was starting to make me teary and we didn't need that.  I sent them back to their seats.  Another girl raised her hand.  I called on her and she said, "Yesterday my sister took our dog to the vet and there was another woman there who had a blanket around a dog...and it was dead."

Way to tell me a story that shows you can relate?

Another girl raised her hand and I called on her.  She said, "So, um...did you bring us a treat for your birthday."

I assured her I had. 

The conversation turned to my birthday, which is endlessly fascinating for them.  They wanted to know how old I am and when I told them 53, they were shocked and said I looked like I was 30.  I don't look like I'm 30.  They have zero concept of age.  

I was actually grateful that we were moving on in conversation though.

Except my little drama queen was not ready to move on.  Everyone was transferring to something else because we'd just said the pledge and she came and hugged me again.  She was weeping.  "I'm so sorry, Teacher.  I'm so sad!"

I told her softly, "Remember the video you told me about?"

She nodded, crying into my shoulder.

I said, "Because of that.  It's OK."

She looked at me and smiled at me through her tears.  She went back to her seat, but gave me hugs throughout the day.

I really love third graders.  They are tattle-tales (which is convenient).  They say the wrong things a lot.  They overshare.  They are really really sweet. They sang Happy Birthday to me and added the cha cha cha's which third graders are wont to do.  At the end of the song, they say:

          cha cha cha

          ooh la la

stick your head in hot lava

if it's nice, do it twice

stick your head in a bowl of ice

eat more chicken!

 I can't explain it.

But I'm glad I get to spend my days with those guys.

You've had a birthday, shout hurray

 Actually it wasn't all that exciting.

I decided next year I should make myself a cake, blow out some candles.

It was a good day though.  I felt very loved with all the texts and phone calls I got.  I felt sad that I didn't get to talk to my mom.  I also felt her love for me and I'm grateful for that.

We had a teacher work day so I got lots of stuff done, which is good.  People stopped by to wish me happy birthday and my team and I went to lunch.  They wanted me to pick a restaurant, but I wouldn't let them buy me lunch.  The other two have birthdays when we aren't in school.  So we bought ourselves lunch for our birthdays.  It was a lingering lunch because Kneaders was very busy and Miriam finally went up to the counter and got our food that was languishing there, waiting to be delivered.  We talked about all the things and I love my team.

Marianne called from the Accra airport and since I didn't have students, I could answer.  She was about 8 hours into their hero's journey and she is still in the air.  Such a long trip!  I'm so grateful that she is coming.

My dad called and I said that I was glad that we would all be together.

He said, "I wish it was for a different reason."  And so do I.

Adam and I went to Costco--like you do to celebrate?  I like being with him no matter what though.  I'm glad I get to share a birthday with that guy.

Weekend

 Saturday the reality hit that just because my chemo is over and I was all ready to just be good and done with it, it is not done with me.

Adam and I went to clean the church in the morning and I was vacuuming the chapel and just got exhausted.  I went and sat down in the bishop's office until I felt less dizzy.

I recovered after we got home and then I repotted the plants that I got from Bonneville.  It was six plants all in the same beautiful basket and they looked really pretty together, but they have different light and water needs so I put them in individual pots.

Again, exhausted.  

It was starting to be a pattern.

We went to La Casa Del Tamal in downtown Salt Lake for a birthday lunch with our kids.  Adam paid and Emma said, "That is a pretty good deal for your birthday."  

We enjoyed our kids and felt like it was a good deal too.

Also, those shrimp tacos, I could rhapsodize about them.

When we were walking back to the parking garage, Braeden called because we had wanted to FaceTime with them.  I said, "Well, your dad and I are separating...."

Braeden said, "Well, I guess you had a good run...."

I said, "No, I mean he and Mark are going to Winco and Emma and I are going to a vintage shop."

Braeden said, "I think Dad did better in the divorce settlement."

But Emma and I had a great time.  We went to two stores that she knew about and I loved them and got (you'll never guess) so tired.  I bought some pretty things and Emma bought an amethyst necklace and we felt pretty accomplished.  I love being with my girl.  

After we joined back up with Adam and Mark, I texted Braeden that we had reconciled.  Also, I napped in the car on the drive home and was basically worthless the rest of the day.  

Guess what I need and I don't have?  Patience.

We did get to FaceTime with our favorite little Californian family later though, so that was happy.

Over the weekend I continued to be surprised and not surprised by people reaching out to me about my mother.  It reaffirms to me that people are so good and that so was my mother because of the kind things they say about her.

Emma came over and wanted to practice the song she and her brothers and several cousins are singing for the funeral.  She asked me to sing the soprano part and I started crying.  She chided me, "If you cry, I'll cry!"

Mark said, "You're going to go blind!"

(Which isn't super helpful, but crying makes my herpes simplex in my eye worse and it can cause blindness.  Still doesn't help dry up tears....)

I normally don't cry when I sing, but the song that is going to be sung at my mother's funeral is not normal.

After Adam got home we played Qwixx and ate pulled pork.  Miriam had brought it over on Friday.  It was vacuum sealed and I put it in the freezer and per her instructions, heated it in a pot of boiling water.  Perfect.  She also gave me a bottle of their amazing barbecue sauce.  Their pulled pork is the best I've ever had.  

Later, Adam and I took a walk along the Murdock Canal trail.  It was a beautiful night.  All the trees are blooming and there is an alarmingly small amount of snow on the mountain.  The winter that wasn't.  

Today is our birthday.  My mom won't sing to me for the first time in my life.  We have Big Exciting Plans.  We're going to Costco to buy the stuff we want to take to Starr Valley later this week....

Grateful Friday

 The Buddy Bench on the playground is for a kid to sit on if they don't have anyone to play with.  Then, hopefully, some kind kid will notice and invite them to play.  Sometimes when I have recess duty I sit on the Buddy Bench.  It always invites a conversation, usually with the odd duck children that don't have a lot of friends. 

Yesterday a boy sat by me. This followed:

Me:  How are you doing today?

Boy:  I am great!  I am going to play Fortnite with my brother tonight.

Me:  That sounds fun.  How old is your brother?

Boy: 23

Me:  I have a son who is 23.

Boy (looking at me with wonder and skepticism in equal measure): What video games does he play?

Me:  I am not really into video games.  I don't know the names.  I know he does like video games though.

Boy: What's his name?

Me: Mark

Boy:  Well, my brother is named...John...so I don't think they're the same person.

Did he think they were the same person?!?

Me: No, I don't think they are the same person.

Boy: Wait, did your son serve in the army?

Me: No.

Boy:  Well my brother did.  I don't think they're the same person.

He finally trotted away to go find something else to do.  I thought about my mom, since I have been thinking about her all the time.

It occurred to me that if my mom was at recess duty, she would always find the odd ducks and collect them around her and be their buddy.  My mom would hold court on the Buddy Bench.

If every day I try to do what she would do, I think I will be pointed in the right direction.

I'm grateful for her example.

Fog, but lighthouses

 I would definitely say I was in a fog at school yesterday.  I was so incredibly tired and a bit nauseous and dizzy.  I didn't know where the chemo aftereffects ended and the grief started, but I was struggling.

During math I kept transposing numbers and making simple little mistakes.

Luckily 3rd graders are very forgiving and I have a sign on my wall that states:  Mistakes Are Proof That You Are Trying.

They recite it to me when I make mistakes and I gratefully thank them.

Despite the fog, there were lighthouses, which every foggy day needs.

My team wrapped me in hugs, multiple hugs.  They had gifts for me.  They are truly the best.

On Tuesday Bonneville had sent me a beautiful plant, delivered to our house and at school Camie threw her arms around me.  Shawna did too.  Courtney stopped me in the hall.  The nurse checked in.  Elementary school faculty and staff are the biggest supporters you'll ever want or need.  I am sure of that.

There was a small collection of teacher appreciation gifts on my desk from my students, leftover from last week.

Maybe one of the best things about the day was the way some of their faces lit up when they saw that I was back.

Me too kiddos; so glad to see you.

The loudest decibel

 I have been tasked with delivering the eulogy at my mother's funeral.  I spent a good part of yesterday working on it. 

If you think I'll be able to give it without crying, you're wrong.

I need to figure out how to do that and then I need to figure out how to get through something as monumental as losing my mom...

...without having my mom to talk it over with.  

Hannah sent me this and I know she knows what she is talking about.

Mother dear, I love you so

 Yesterday our sweet mother peacefully passed away to the next life.

Everything felt upside down.  I felt low physically already and then I felt like I had no idea what to even do or think about.

I had a good cry and then Adam and I went to my doctor office for IV fluids.  While there, my dad and siblings and some nieces (and maybe nephews?) were on a WhatsApp call.  I handed Adam my phone and told him to represent me.

He came back after a while and handed me the phone and said, "You want to be a part of this."

It was incredibly healing to be there on the phone with everyone.  We sketched out plans and laughed a little bit and expressed love a lot.  I felt very grateful to be a part of my family.  I'm grateful for my good parents.  I'm grateful we love each other.

I had a hard time sleeping.  Adam read to me and I was able to sleep some, but at about 2:00, I gave up.  Around 3:00, I texted my sisters.  I didn't know what time it was in Ghana, but I was guessing daytime.  I also figured Olivia might be awake.

4:00 AM found me on the phone with both sisters.  

I am glad that I already had today off.  I'm going to go to school for the rest of this week and then next week I'm going to take some more days off and go spend time with my family.  It is what I long for right now.

One thing I'm going to do today is go through the mail.  Adam and I picked it up yesterday.  There were two birthday cards in my mom's handwriting peeking out of the stack, one for me and one for Adam.  She was so sick, but she hardly missed a beat of what mattered to her.

Sunday afternoon, Braeden and his family had a short FaceTime with my mom.  She told QE that she'd sent her a birthday card.  She said, "There's a paper airplane in it.  Your dad may have to refold it a little but then it will really fly."

My mom was good at making paper airplanes.  She could make them really fly.

She was also good at making her children and grandchildren feel like they could really fly.  She buoyed us up.  She believed the best of us.  She expected us to rise to her idea of us.

It takes my breath away how much she will be missed.

Weekend

 What I thought would be a sit in my chair all weekend scenario, turned into a family weekend.

Tabor and (niece) Olivia were in Utah on Friday so they stopped by chemo to visit me.  We went to lunch after and then they came to our house to visit until their next doctor appointment. They still have plenty of appointments and insurance fights since their accident and I admire their tenacity.

Saturday my mom took a turn for the worse and we decided to go to Nevada and visit my parents.  I felt a little trepidation because of chemo, but we forged on.  Emma and Mark went too, in a separate car so Emma could go back earlier (in time for her choir practice).  

Adam and the kids did everything to set up our house and unload the cars and I was very much a lady of leisure.  

We missed Marianne and Robert, but saw some of their kids--Desi came from Wendover and Hyrum from Provo.  We visited with Olivia and her boys and my cousin Hannah and saw my uncle Demar and aunt Lora.  And of course, we spent time with my parents.

Sunday evening we were driving back to our house and Adam asked me how I was doing.  I said I felt like I was watching myself from a ways away.  Everything is blunted from chemo.  

I could not keep my eyes open past 7:00 PM and I woke up this morning at 6:30 AM.  I had a text from Alissa asking about a school question and I have zero idea.  None.  

Today we're going back to Utah in time for me to get an infusion of fluids to hopefully perk me up a bit.

I feel grateful for family and grateful we could come to Nevada.  I'm grateful for the steady presence Adam is, always taking care of me and making things possible.  I'm grateful for my good parents.

At your service

 I have no medical training, but I am called on for many a medical quandary.

Pretty much if it is any skin malady, I offer lotion.  It almost always helps the itchy, sore, bug bitten skin my students have.

Also band-aids.  So many band-aids.

Then there are the hypochondriacs.

My leg hurts.  

My response is always the same.  "Go sit down.  Don't move.  You rest that leg.  If you need a sharpened pencil, tell me.  Don't get out of your seat."

It never really lasts.

Yesterday a student said it hurt her mouth when she opened it.  I told her to go do her iReady lessons.  I told her, "Good news, you don't need to open your mouth to do iReady."

If they would all stay in their seats and keep their mouths shut, imagine how much we could accomplish!

Another student showed me her arm (that looked approximately like an arm).  I failed to see the problem and she was deeply offended and acted like I owed her money.

I said, "What do you want me to do?"

"I don't know!" she huffed.

Later she tied a sling out of her sweatshirt and wore it all day like that.

They expect me to know things, even when all indications (have some lotion and go sit down and do your work) would make it clear that I don't really know much about medicine.

I had recess duty yesterday and three students called me over with such urgency that at first I thought someone was hurt.

They were standing near the map of the United States that is painted on the blacktop.  "Which one is Arizona?" they asked.  They were having a heated argument and all three of them were incorrect.

I showed them Arizona.

Then they wanted to know state after state.  One of the boys wanted to know where the Patriots were from.  How about the Miami Dolphins? Where are the Bills from?  I pointed out all the states and one of the students said, "You're really smart!"

They rapid fire quizzed me and I knew all the states to their everlasting appreciation.

They need to stick to questions like that and not expect me to know what to do about a sore arm.

Speaking of medical things I don't know about, I have chemo today.  My last one that has an asterisk in my brain, because is it the last one?  I don't know yet.

I'll sit down and do my work and maybe put some lotion on....

That's all I got.

My people

It is Teacher Appreciation Week, which means we have treats in the faculty room and occasionally something from students.  One of my students made this for me.  His mom emailed it because their printer wasn't working.  He has autism so he doesn't always chat with me or express a lot, but this card he made me speaks volumes.  I've read them three Ramona books so far and they love them and I love them and I felt seen with this card he made.

We finished Ramona the Brave yesterday and they voted for the next read.  One of the options was the next Ramona book and another one was the next Humphrey book (among others).  Humphrey won by one  vote and the students who voted for Ramona were bugged.

I said their whole lives there would be elections and the person they voted for may not win, so they needed to learn to handle it gracefully.

One of them said, "We can say, 'aw shucks, maybe next time.'"  They nodded in agreement.

Imagine if third graders could help certain unnamed people with that attitude....

Especially after a long weekend, my students have a lot to share.  Yesterday morning I called them to the kiva.  They were bleary eyed with the new time change.  I told them the announcements and we said the pledge.  One of them raised her hand and said, "My grandpa is dying."

I said I was so sorry to hear that.

Another one raised her hand, "I had a smoothie yesterday."

(Which feels like the next thing to say when someone has shared some sad news?)

I said, "That sounds...good."

Suddenly they all wanted to share.

"I had a head-ache yesterday.  A heavy head-ache."

"Someone in my family is dying and they have kids."

"I went to St. George."

"My brother broke his arm."

On and on they went, telling me their things.  They are my people and I am theirs.  I am glad I get to read to them and I'm glad I get to tell them to get over it when they lose an election.  I'm glad I get to see them rise to big and small occasions.  I'm glad I get to be the one to hear their stories.

A good day

 Olivia and I had a conversation the other day about how, for us, a good day was one where we were productive.  We aren't opposed to relaxing or recreating, but the best sort of day is one where we are productive. 

(I think you can't be Coralee Dahl's daughter and be otherwise.)

We're a lot of fun....

Anyway, yesterday was a good day!

I had a robust to do list and I did everything on it!

I had lunch with Alissa and Maren at Marley's (neither of them had ever been there).

I had a good blend of productive meetings and productive head-down-getting-stuff done (sub plans!).

The weather was gorgeous and Kim and I took a walk after school.

I told Mark that I would come home way more relaxed if I always had teacher work days.  I guess I just don't know to what end I would be doing the work....

(And I like it more when the kids are there anyway.)

Weekend

 We knew our fridge was on the struggle bus and Adam had ordered a new one (to be delivered this week), but on Friday morning, when I pulled out my lunch to take to school, it felt decidedly not cold.  I tested the temperature inside the fridge and it was a balmy 60 degrees!

I went to school knowing that I had a project ahead of me.

In another chapter of I never know what will happen at school, we read a story about Garrett Morgan, who invented gas masks and improved traffic lights.  They wondered, like they always do when we read a biography, if he was still alive.  He was born in 1877, so I had them help me do the math to figure it out.

Since he would be 149, I told them that he wouldn't be alive still.

Hands shot up.  The kids who are studying the Old Testament for Come Follow Me this year had to report that people used to live older.  They rattled off the ages of Adam et al.  

OK, OK, but most people don't live that long....

After school, Mark and I pulled everything out of the fridge.  We put condiments in coolers and threw everything else away.  Two garbage bags full of eggs and cheese and meat and dairy products and good leftovers and gross leftovers that no one was going to eat anyway.

It was sad. And for the 1200th time this week alone, I felt very grateful for Mark.

We went to JCWs for dinner.  He convinced me to go there so I could get a peanut butter milkshake to soothe my sore throat.

I had a sore throat which is kind of what-else-is-new, but also annoying.

It didn't take too much convincing because I know those are Mark's favorite GF burgers and I owed him one (or 1200) and also he wasn't wrong about the peanut butter milkshake thing.

We came home and I was tired so I went to bed early.  My throat kept getting more and more sore.  During the night it turned out to be the worst sore throat of my life.  It was only on one side, but swallowing was excruciating.  I texted Adam and he was still awake.  He called me and I couldn't really talk to him, but he told me to gargle with salt water and take medicine and he made me feel better by being Adam.

I did everything he said and was able to sleep.  

Saturday I woke up with a less sore throat, but with feeling generally sick.  Achy and tired and miserable.  Cue pity party of one because I had saved up a bunch of stuff to do Saturday.  And also on the list was figuring out food for the following week that didn't need a refrigerator.  Mark and I were going to go to Costco and Trader Joe's and figure out a freezer heavy meal plan.

I felt very discouraged.

Mark bucked me up like he does.  He kissed my forehead and said to give him a shopping list and that I should rest.  I said he couldn't go to Costco.  He said, "Then I'll go to Walmart.  I can get what we need."

He is just helpful and solid and loving and I don't know what I'd do without that kid.  

I talked to my mom on Saturday.  She is on hospice and there is nothing easy about her life right now.  Despite that, she usually just wants to know how I am.  I cried and told her all my self-pitying circumstances and she was sympathetic.

I also told her that her example means the world to me.  Every time I talk to her, besides her telling me how good my dad is to her, she tells me that every night she prays for the Savior to be with her.  "And He is."

I don't know why she has to suffer and I don't know why any of us have to suffer, but I know and I have always known that my mom is one of the strongest people I know.  Her life has always been one of service and faithfulness and she is no different now, even though she can't do the things she used to do.

Since both my sons and Adam thought I should (and who am I to disagree with the men in my life?), I went to urgent care Saturday night.  It didn't feel exactly like strep throat, but it felt miserable and if it was something that I could get an antibiotic for and feel better, sign me up.  

I was tested for strep, Covid and influenza and they were all negative.  Sigh.  Not that I wanted any of those, I just wasted a trip when I would rather be tucked under a blanket.

Sunday I stayed home and watched church remotely and had a little less angst about it all.  I know that wishing things were different is never going to help.  I need to find ways to thrive in the hand I've been dealt.  As Marie Louise would say with her British/Australian accent, I need to "get on with it."

Emma came over for dinner and we had frozen pizza which is the best idea I could come up with in our refrigerator-less state.  We played Qwixx and talked and I always enjoy my time with Emma and Mark.  

Adam went to church in Birmingham, Alabama and I think he enjoyed it.  I enjoy living vicariously through him.  He narrated the countryside he was seeing while he drove.  He talked about someday going on a road trip like that with me.

Some day.

Grateful Friday

 I am grateful my grades are more or less in hand.  I have a few last minute assessments happening today and then I can post those grades.  Third quarter, in the books!

I am grateful for the pretty pictures Adam sends of where he is in the world.  I can live vicariously through him.

I am grateful when things work.  There are plenty of times when I try something at school and it doesn't work, so I'm grateful for when they do work.

My students were getting a bit lax on their iReady lessons--the third grade didn't reach their goal of lessons passed for February.  I decided to make it a competition and whoever gets the most lesson this week will get a prize.  A boy who didn't do a single iReady lesson the entire months of November and December is leading the pack with 16 lessons, just this week!

Another random thing that is working is to set a timer on an app on my phone and set it in front of one of my students.  He works for seven minutes and then gets a two minute break.  It's like magic and why didn't I do that in September?!?

I am grateful I don't have to go roller skating.  Last night was Bonneville Night at Classic Skating.  At recess some of Alissa's girls wondered if I was going to go.  I said no.  They were shocked, "But why not?!?"

I said, "I don't really know how to roller skate."

More shock, and also a lot of advice, "You can just hold onto the side, that's what I do."

Also, they tried to entice me, "They also have laser tag!"

I didn't tell them, but Classic Skating was the last thing I wanted to do.  Three cheers for being an adult and just saying no.

The final thing I'm grateful about is having Mark around.  He is helpful and good company.  I especially notice how much I rely on him for everything when Adam is out of town.  What a gift to have him living with us right now!

Reminders

 Sometimes I wonder if I want to keep teaching.  Even without all the cancer stuff, this year has been hard.  (Actually I don't know.  I can't separate the two.)

I have some hard students and when I don't feel well, I get a sense of defeat about the whole thing.

I want to say, OK.  I give up.  I'm going home.

Yesterday I had a few reminders of why I don't want to quit.  During math, we were doing Word Problem Wednesday, which is what we do the second half of the year.  Every Wednesday I tell that the reason we do Word Problem Wednesday is that in their lives as grownups, they will never have to do math worksheets and they won't have a math workbook.  They will have situations that are basically word problems.

As we worked our way through the problems, I realized, "They are getting these!"

And their exit tickets showed me it's true.  (There were a few exceptions--there always are.)

I live for moments like that!  Moments where they get it!

During our reading lesson, there was more of the same.  We were working on context clues and I loved seeing their brains figure out the meanings of words and idioms.  

What a gift to be able to be at the front lines of children making connections and learning new things!

At the end of the day, when they bursting out the door after the bell rang, one of the girls called over her shoulder, "Bye Mrs. Davis!  I love you!"

I love you too.

It isn't meant to be easy

I had a rough night's sleep last night, which is the last thing I need when I am fighting fatigue so hard.  Adam is leaving today for a week long trip and that's never fun.  He'll be back just in time for my chemo.  Between now and chemo, I have grades that are due and I need to plan for four sub days.

And then there's the whole cancer thing that messes with my mind.  Good news!  Last chemo round!  But then what?  Did it work?!?  What is next?  How long will my remission be?

All unproductive things to wonder about at 1:00 AM, but there you have it.

This morning I read this by President Nelson:

 "...life isn't meant to be easy....Victory comes only to those who muster the faith to stay on the track--the strait and narrow way."

It is validating.  This isn't meant to be easy.  I'm not living life wrong if it isn't easy.

Also, what does victory for me look like?  I don't think victory means a perfect life, free of troubles.  If it comes only to those who muster the faith to stay on the track, I guess staying on the track--the strait and narrow way, will lead me there.  I'll figure it out eventually.

I can do hard things.  I have survived lots of hard days.  My own prayers and the prayers of others on my behalf have sustained me thus far and I don't foresee them drying up and ceasing to work.

So onward.

Weekend

 We had a wonderful time!  I am glad we were able to go to California to spend time with family and be there for the blessing of our little YP.  

Top ten things from the weekend:

1- walking hand in hand at the farmers market with QE

2- buying QE some really good strawberries at the farmers market when she wanted a snack (California is constantly showing off).

3- witnessing the great parents Braeden and Anna are--I love the way they pull together

4- being in mild and verdant and fragrant California 

5- holding YP--he is so snuggly!

6- Adam and Mark took excellent care of me at every turn

7- reading to QE

8- sharing the love with Anna's parents.  I like them so much and we all like our shared family so much.  It's a lot of love and I'm here for it.

9- the way QE kept lifting my arm to listen to my watch tick during church

10- family time--it was great to be with Geri and have lots of time with Adam and Mark and Braeden and Anna and those adorable grandchildren!