Short

 I am feeling at once like I'm in pretty good shape and that I am in trouble.

Mark and I went to my classroom yesterday and cleaned a lot of really dirty stuff.  We arranged desks and chairs and rehung things and moved things and then moved them again.  I was getting to the point that I really just needed to make a list and get myself together.  Mark went home and I stayed at the school.  I made a list and hung up bulletin boards and organized drawers.  I first located my calendar (took a while) and then hung it up.  May Thelma stashed a lot of stuff in places that August Thelma has to locate.  It all seems like it is coming together moderately well.

The problem was that I hit a wall and I hit it hard.  I decided to do stuff that I could do seated at my desk.  I still was so tired.  Finally I gave up and texted Mark to come and get me early.

He encouraged me as he drove me home.  He said, "Just think about how things were last year and you did that!  You can do it!"

I don't know.  Teaching is hard and tiring work and I just got wiped out from a bit of set up.  (It was pretty hard work too though.)

I will need to 1) keep praying for help 2) take my fatigue and energy level into account 3) just do my best.

My best keeps coming up short in my own estimation, but I'll keep trying.

Weekend

We went to the funeral of Adam's aunt Jeri on Friday.  It was nice to get together with some family and remember this colorful and loving woman who it was impossible not to love back.  Mark had a test so he didn't go, but Emma went with us and we enjoyed spending some time with her.  

Before dropping Emma off, we had pizza at Settebello in Salt Lake City.  It is one of our favorite pizza restaurants around here.  I am still thinking about the pizza I had.  Peaches and pistachio pesto, burrata and almonds.  It was so good.

Friday night the school stress dreams showed up in force.

I dreamt:

• my classroom had pools of wax on the floor and zero furniture
• teachers were banging on Matt's office door to get answers and he refused to open the door
• I went back to my classroom and it had furniture, but it was all mismatched and broken and I couldn't find my kiva
• suddenly it was back to school night and all the parents and children were coming
• it was the first day of school and it was complete bedlam and I didn't have anything planned or ready

So, typical August teacher dreams.  It all stems from will I be ready?!? Mark and I are going today and I will start the process of getting ready.  I don't have as much time as I usually do (usually I start earlier), but hopefully having Mark there will help make up the difference.

There was a bunch of cotton crochet thread in my mother's things.  None of us wanted it, so I was going to take it to DI.  

Then I remembered friendship bracelets.  Maybe that could be a fun activity at our upcoming reunion for some?  I got the idea to make friendship bracelets for my students for back to school night.  I tried my hand on Saturday morning and just like with knitting and crocheting, I'm pretty bad at it.  It's a tension problem.  I tie the knots too tight and instead of a bracelet, I end up with a double helix.  I realized that just braiding them was a better option, so that's what I'm doing for my students.  

Saturday night I dreamed about my mom.  She was walking toward me and she looked healthy and happy and I hugged her.  I also dreamed I was holding a baby and she was sitting next to me.  It was good to see my mom.  It makes me happy every time I think about the dreams.  It makes me feel like she's not that far away.

I was happy to go to church in our ward (I've been elsewhere for over a month) and I led the singing in primary.  It is fun even though the children look at me like I might be crazy and I had the words completely wrong in one of the songs.  It's a nice reality check to keep me humble I guess.

I talked to Braeden and Anna and family.  I asked QE about church and Braeden prompted, "Ask Nana about her church."  She spun her head in his direction and asked, "Is it Sunday everywhere?"  I love seeing her figure out the world.  I also got to see the Young Prince and admire his sitting up ability.

Emma was under the weather so she didn't come over.  At times like that she texts and asks if it is OK if she doesn't come.  I want to text back no, she has to come.  I like it when she comes.  We soldiered on without her though.  After our Come Follow Me Lesson, we played a game and then I roped them into helping me finish off the bracelets.  Mark said he didn't know how to braid (someone didn't play with Barbie's and it shows) and since he's color blind, he didn't want to pick colors for the bracelets.  I would decide the colors and he cut the threads and then I braided.  (The missionaries stopped by so Adam started cutting thread, but then was busy with them.)

I now have 31 bracelets (I aimed for 30 and Adam wanted to make one after the missionaries left).  I don't think I'll have that many students, but I wanted them to be able to choose.

So I have exactly one thing ready for school to start next week and it is friendship bracelets.  I don't know whether to laugh or cry about that.  Hopefully after today I'll be in a lot better shape.

Grateful Friday

 I am grateful I got to have lunch with Stephanie on Wednesday.  She was in Utah and we spent about three hours talking, laughing, crying, looking at pictures of each other's grandchildren and talking some more.  She handed me a bottle of blackberry jam and she said, "I picked the blackberries a few days ago."

I love everything there is to love about female friendship.

I am grateful for my photo project.  I love seeing the pictures and remembering and getting my sibling to help me remember.

I am grateful for my children because they don't just carry heavy stuff.  They are also entertaining to me.

A few days ago the conversation on our family group chat became this as a result of a story in a NYTimes that listed dirty soda in a list of 25 items that represent America.  

So in case you were worried about missing out on the nonsense, there you have it.  I'm glad those kids are mine, even Braeden, the fourth most important and unpopular export of Utah.

I am grateful for Adam's aunt Jeri.  We are going to her graveside and memorial service today.  She has always been impeccably kind to me and she took Adam's dad to church when he was a little kid.  Aunt Jeri matters to us.

I am grateful for my parents.  Today is their anniversary.  Fifty-six years ago today, they were married in the Salt Lake Temple.  I am grateful to be part of their family forever.  

Big scary

 Overdramatic title, but ugh.

I have been getting intense emails from school with everything bolded and hyperlinked and italicized and highlighted.  So much to do, none of it fun. It is all squashes the summer vibe in big ways.

How many times do you have to do blood borne pathogen and data security training before you are considered all trained up?

Apparently more than what I've done.

I have 5 1/2 hours of district training that is now available for me.  Yesterday Thelma, bless her heart, was wishing I had access to it so I could do it now when I can't get into my classroom anyway.

Today Thelma wishes I still didn't have access to it.  I don't actually want to do it is the problem.

I am excited to meet my students.  My team and I have sent MANY texts back and forth narrowing in on our team t-shirts because we have priorities.  I am excited to set up my classroom and you know, teach.

I'm not excited for the emails.  For example, this was from my principal attached to the big email from the district:

An email like this feels par for the course any other time during the school year.  During August, it feels like an affront.  1) I was just enjoying a nice carefree little summer and 2) I am busy OK?  

These team t-shirts aren't going to pick themselves.

Foreboding emails with to do lists aren't the only scary things afoot.  Yesterday Kim had a migraine so didn't walk with me.  I decided to branch out and walk on the street instead of up on the hill.  I saw a house that I decided was haunted (seriously I am going to have Adam drive by with me to validate me) and I was walking a ways behind a woman and her dog.  They walked through a puddle (made by sprinklers, we don't have natural puddles this time of year!).  The dog had footprints leading away from the puddle and the woman did not, so I can only assume she was a ghost.

Perhaps I missed having a walking buddy to keep my imagination in check....

The walking along the street does have its charm though.  I passed a couple having a heated conversation about bacon.  As I walked by I heard the man say, with great animation, "There is no need to slap six slices of bacon on.  Put one piece on and you are good."

I also saw a man, in a Lexus, driving slowly with a leash out the window and a dog trotting along beside him.

I wonder what he tells the other dogs about the life he leads.

Mark

Marianne called me yesterday to wish me a happy anniversary.  We talked about taking a couples trip to Hawaii sometime.  I told Mark about it and he said, "That sounds like something I wouldn't be invited to."

He is not wrong.

Not being invited on the trip withstanding, I like having Mark around.  It isn't always easy to talk him into things, but it helps if lunch is involved.

Yesterday we went to lunch and then to the Provo Library book sale.  His job was to carry books.  I also told him I'd buy him whatever he wanted.  We had lunch and went to the sale armed with two grocery bags.  I filled mine and he put one book in his.  (It reminded me of Blueberries for Sal, except I didn't lose him.)

I traded bags with him (after I put his book in the filled bag).  There were kids stationed against the wall, reading books while their mothers browsed.  After a while, when Mark told me he was finished looking, I directed him to go sit against the wall and he did with the two full bags.

When I finally decided enough was enough, I went to get Mark.  Next to him, a woman was sorting through her selections and told her daughter, "I'm going to go put these back."  Her daughter asked why and she said, "I looked at the picture of books I have at home and I already own these."

Pro move.  I was impressed.  

But then Mark carried both of my heavy bags and I felt like that was kind of a pro move too.

When we got home, I stacked the books on the table.  The spoils:

The three books on the left were Mark's.

Besides that, we've added yoga to our daily.  On the first day, we kept saying, "This is hard," to each other.

I said, "I think I'm dying."

He said, "Yes, me too."

At dinner we told Adam about it and Mark told him, "If you come home and see us both keeled over on the floor, you will know it was from Yoga with Adriene."

We'll get better.  You gotta start somewhere.

31 years

 Last year on this day, Adam and I checked into a swanky hotel in San Antonio.  I was joining him for a business trip.  There were indications of cancer, but no diagnosis yet.  Adam didn't have his crazy new job that keeps him busy + stressed + frequenting the friendly skies.  My mom was still with us.

It has been quite a year and also even if I knew everything on the horizon, I wouldn't have been surprised that Adam would stay steady and keep me more or less upright.  

I am grateful to have gone another year around the sun with him.

If you aren't part of a group chat with me, you can count yourself lucky because I have been sorting through photographs and texting pictures of pictures with varying degrees of quality to my family members.  

There are a whole stack of photos from our wedding.

Those fresh faced kids!

It is wild to me that we own this place now.

That is my grandpa casually chatting with someone on the far left.  My cousins are on the porch.  It looks like Brian is saying something that Jason (Adam's friend) finds funny and it looks like Geri is telling him to get it together.  I love this picture.  I love that place.  I love those people.

As much as I am blessed to have Adam as a husband, we are blessed to have these parents.

Speaking of parents, this is my mom and me in my grandparents'/now our kitchen.

I hope my mom knew, despite me acting to the contrary at times (I was a lot that summer), that I really appreciated everything she did to make our wedding lovely.  

If there's a way for her to access my blog in heaven (and if there's a way, I know she's reading), thank you for everything.  Seriously, everything.

Weekend

 My brain is ricocheting between many things:  

I am looking forward to school starting.  I am thinking about reading centers and my classroom and back to school night and the first week of school.  

I am coming to terms with this being my last week of summer vacation and I didn't do all the things on my lofty to do list.  (Maybe this week?)  

I am remembering last year at this time and the pull-the-rug-out-from-under-you cancer diagnosis.  Sometimes I successfully don't think about it.  Sometimes I successfully think about it with a degree of equanimity.  Sometimes when I think about the future, I wonder if the future I think I have planned will be a reality.  I try to stop myself from freaking out too much.

I felt pretty well on Friday--mostly just tired.  Saturday and Sunday, I felt worse.  It is hard to come to terms with.  It is hard to keep myself from thinking that life as I've known it is over and I'm just going to be sick or worse.  Adam helps me.  He is ever and always my ballast.

I am missing my mom.  I turned the calendar page to August, the calendar she made for all of us.  August is a picture of our family at the Elko Temple open house.  My mom was there.  My mom loved the temple and loved us.  How is she not here with us?  I want to talk to her.  Olivia does talk to her, but I cry too much.  I guess the best that I can do is try to be like her.  

I have a fat package of pictures from my mom.  This picture stopped me in my tracks.

My mom and both grandmas are working on my wedding quilt.  In this picture I see three women who loved each other.  I see three women with vast and varied talents who served whenever and wherever they were asked.  I see three incredibly hard working women who made a difference and a contribution in the world.  I think what matters most to me about all of that though, is how they made me feel.  They loved me and I never once doubted that.  They were always on my side.  I see this picture and I have so many aspirations.

The influx of new photographs started me on a whole plan for a big project.  Adam said, "You have one week of summer left.  Why are you starting a big project now?"

Hello, have we met?

I told Emma about the project, which was to digitize every picture in the house, get rid of photo albums and make Snapfish books.  Get organized once and for all and really mean it this time.

She said, "But I want photo albums.  I want real photos."

I asked Mark and he said he didn't really care either way.

I asked Adam and he said, "You have one week of summer left.  Why are you starting a big project now?"

I asked Braeden and he liked my idea of Snapfish books.

I called Marianne, sure that she had all of this figured out.  She was hiking to Boulder Lake, but still took my call.  She told me she didn't have it all figured out.  The nerve of some big sisters....

My children are going to be the ones to inherit the hot mess that is my photos, so if Emma wants photos, I'll keep photos.  For now, I am sorting through the photos I have and I will make decisions later about each category (some of them are duplicates because they are pictures I mailed my parents from Connecticut).  Probably what will happen is that I will get busy with school and abandon ship and leave the disheveled photos to flounder.

Adam has in fact met me.

Speaking of Adam, he was looking for something in his office on Saturday and came across some letters (written on Denny's order tickets because I worked there that summer) that I wrote to him the week before we got married 31 years ago.

He started reading them aloud to me and we both got a little teary.  He said, "I feel like we should be sitting next to each other."  We moved to the couch and he kept reading and we both cried.

What an enormous blessing it is in my life to have Adam.  I wrote in my letters how much I loved him and I didn't even know all the things about him yet.  I didn't know how he would be as a father or how he would take care of me when I was sick or how he would be patient with me when I am 1) dreaming up unreasonable projects or 2) spinning out of control.  He's a gem and I am lucky.  That is all.

Going through photos led to a line of questioning on WhatsApp that never did get any answers.  This photo of a mystery baby was in my stack of photos.

Tabor thought it was Enoch, but he couldn't be sure without the beard.  Enoch thought it was Tabor, but he couldn't be sure without the handlebar mustache.  Ammon said we would know better than he would how he looked at that age.

Olivia rightfully pointed out that Enoch was a December baby and there was no way he would be wearing short sleeves with our mother at the helm.  

I think it's Ammon, born in July although still wearing socks (again, my mom).

My dad had no idea.  

I'll leave it for Emma (the one who likes photos).

Besides all of that, I was mostly down and out during the weekend.  Friday was an easier day than Saturday and Sunday.  I'm ready for the uphill climb though.  On to better things!

Grateful Friday

 I am grateful for a day to rest and recover.  I feel OK, just tired.  I was very tired yesterday.  I took a nap for over an hour when I got home from my infusion and I slept for about 10 hours last night.  It takes it out of me!

I am grateful to be on this end of things.  A year ago I was so stressed about the cancer thing while I was waiting for all the diagnostic pieces to fall into place.  Now I know what is happening and I try to just ignore the unknowns.  It's working.

I am grateful Adam is home and I am grateful that he and Mark both take such good care of me.  They tag teamed being my ride and sitting with me.  

I am grateful I am home.  It has been a good summer and a busy summer and it also feels good to just be home.  Yesterday, Dr. Chipman asked me how I was feeling about school about to start up.  I said, "I'm excited."

He said, "Really?  Most teachers I talk to dread school starting."

I can't speak for all teachers, but I always look forward to school starting.  I am well aware that it is not sunshine and roses every day.  There are some really hard days ahead like every school year.  I am grateful that I love my job though.  

Finally I am grateful that I'm going to lunch with Nola today.  With our comings and goings, I haven't talked to her for months and she lives across the cul-de-sac!  It is nice to have friends.

Big old photo dump

 I could not get my computer figured all the way out.  I finally called Apple Support.  I worked with an AI assistant and they were finally flummoxed and I talked to an actual real live person.  She was flummoxed and asked to share my screen.  After waiting while she read some documents about what to do, she suggested I turn it off and on again.

I had tried that earlier in the morning, but I guess it needed doing twice, because now it works!

It was the first time in the history of ever that I resolved technology woes on my own.  I feel like I ought to get some kind of commendation.

So here are a whole bunch of things I want to remember from the last week plus:

Miriam and me with our haul from Owala (we took the picture to show Alyssa).

The Mariner's game:

Talia, Jackson, Braeden and Geri

Living it up in the PNW:

The boys and their walking stick

Mukilteo Beach

Lunch plus creative expression

view from the ferry

Mark and Whitney at the Gum Wall at Pike's Place Market (kinda gross, but iconic)

Silver Lake

Tire swing at Grandma Geri's house

My pretty sisters-in-law

The wedding:

From left: Kelly, Kain, Brian, Sam, Scott, Whitney, Me, Braeden, Emma, Adam and Mark.  If it looks like Adam's leg is erased, it is because Adam's leg is erased.  (Removed QE.)

Cousin picture.  It isn't complete without Raelyn, but we were happy to add Jenna.  From left: Mark, Emma, Jenna, Jackson, Braeden, Kain and Talia

Adam and Mark being Adam and Mark

Braeden being Braeden--also, Emma's look of loving patience with her brother.  Not her first rodeo.

love love love this

the view from the reception

Megan and Larry

We had such a great time.  Seeing these pictures makes me very happy.  I am grateful for joyful family times and grateful for everyone who was so good to us while we were there! (Grateful to Whitney, because I got a lot of these pictures from her!)

What is going on with me

 Yesterday Marianne called me and demanded, "What is going on with you?!?"

I hadn't blogged.  I told her I was still on my trip.  She said she wanted to make sure I wasn't "dead or depressed" since I wasn't blogging. (I said, "Surely there is another option.")

I texted her this morning that I couldn't get my log in on my computer to work, but with a little help from AI, I figured it out!  I can't emphasize enough how monumental that is.  Adam didn't come home last, but took a red-eye to Detroit and then Chicago for an important meeting and I wasn't about to bother him with my woes.

(My computer is still wonky, so I will have to bother him eventually.)

I'm home!  It is nice to be home.  Besides that one little turnaround day, I haven't been home for weeks.  My plants are gasping for water and there is a lot to do, but also I am super tired, so blogging seemed like a good pursuit.

(Update, I also can't get any photos to work.)

I am singing the technology blues.  My plants will benefit from me not being able to languish on my computer.

We had a very nice trip.  It was a great mix of family time and enjoying the Pacific Northwest and seeing Adam shine in his work environment which I always love.  I got to have lunch with Janet, but I don't know if we can call it just lunch, because we sat at the table for 5 hours.  Our waitress came and told us that her shift was over and she was going home, but we could stay as long as we wanted. (I left her a good tip.)

I loved seeing Braeden and QE and witness him as such a good dad.  A four-year-old out of her routine is not the easiest gig, but he handled it with panache (and truly, so did she).  It was a delight to be around her.  Geri and Braeden and I took a walk with the little queen.  She bounced around narrating her imaginative pursuit of heffalumps and woozles.  Then she found a stick, named it Sticky, and had a full conversation with it, providing the voice of Sticky.  

I can't get enough of that girl.

We enjoyed the wedding and I loved seeing Jackson and Jenna so happy and I loved the beautiful setting.  We went to Mukilteo Beach and Pike Place Market and really hit most of the highlights.  

I will add pictures eventually.  Maybe.  Hopefully. 

Grateful Friday

Back on the iPad again…

We are on the 15th floor of a hotel in downtown Seattle, overlooking the city and low hum of the freeway below.  Adam is working and meeting with people, etc.  He asked me a few times if I would be OK alone in the hotel room like we hadn’t met.

He also said, ”I have my iPad.”  So here we are.

It has been such a great trip!  We have enjoyed ourselves.  I have pictures, but can’t add them.  I still don’t know why.

First, I have to backtrack before the trip:  Tuesday we had a lunch at school.  It was top secret and we were told we didn’t want to miss it and we were wary because often times the news we get doesn’t thrill us.

This was not one of those times.  Owala (as in the water bottle company) had sponsored a lunch for us.  Everyone got a new water bottle and insulated lunch bag.  Alyssa was out of town, but Miriam and I sat with our 5th grade teacher besties as well as Megan who is the innovative learning coach and the MVP of all the teachers.  We had a nice lunch and caught up on each others’ summer adventures.  Matt asked me, “Did you hear about your classroom?”

I hadn’t been there yet, so I didn’t know what he meant (immediately wary—public schools will do that to you).  He said that once they replaced the ceiling and HVAC in my room, they realized that the ductwork was unattached.  He said, “So whenever the heat was on, it was only in your room.”

(Friends, I think I noticed that.)

After we ate, the good (good!) people of Owala also gifted us each a basket full of school supplies, three books and a $500 Amazon gift card.  We were shocked in all the happy ways.  They rolled out carts of water bottles and said that every student in the school was also going to be gifted a new water bottle.  I think that was the biggest cheer from the teachers.  Tiffany (who is hands down amazing) immediately said she would make each student a personalized sticker for their bottles.

I report back to school officially in three weeks and I am looking forward to it.  I love that I love my job and I love who I work with.

We flew to Seattle and met up with everyone and went to the Mariner’s game.  It was fun.  I love the convivial atmosphere of a baseball game with everyone in their team colors.  QE was gobsmacked by the spectacle of it all.  Braeden bought her a Mariners hat and she wanted one exactly like his.  After a while she was bored and I was only too happy to take her to the play place so she could run and run with the other Mariners clad children.  She immediately made friends and climbed and scampered and I love how sturdy she is.  She could hold her own.

The rest of the week has been Adam (bless him) working and squeezing in family time and the rest of us just enjoying.  QE has been playing with the ponies that Adam’s sisters had that Emma and her cousins played with.  The pastel gift that keeps giving.  She’s been pushed on the tire swing that we used to push our own children on.  Braeden and Mark went into the woods and came back with a walking stick.  They used their grandpa’s tools and carved their names in it and smoothed and sanded it and I have pictures, but alas.

We went to Silver Lake one day and they didn’t have their suits, but Braeden was up to the hem of his shorts in water in no time and QE was completely submerged.  Geri had brought a towel because of course she did.  We wrapped QE in it and Braeden carried her back to the car and I should have realized that would be part of the trip.  Geri is the iconic grandmother and I am her apprentice, trying to learn her ways.

We went to Costco in search of gluten free pizza, but also an Esprit sweatshirt.  I had heard they were there and like all the Gen Xers I wanted one!  They only had a few and they were XS and I am…not.   I think Adam and our kids thought I was a little crazy, but Janet was also at Costco, in search of an Esprit sweatshirt, so that was validating.  We both wanted the white ones with rainbow lettering, but no dice.

(I went to a different Costco to look for the pizza.  I had given up on the sweatshirt, but they had size small.  I can squeeze myself in.  I owe that to teenage Thelma, I think.)

Last night everyone except me went back to the lake.  I cross-stitched and read and took a nap on the couch and was as happy as I could be.

We came to Seattle and you are up to date.

I am grateful for this time we’ve had.  It is so nice to be with family.  We are looking forward to tomorrow when we will all go to the peninsula for Jackson and Jenna’s wedding.  Last week, I was so grateful for my family and heritage and loved being in that place.  This week I am grateful for family and heritage and love being in this place.

Turnaround

 Yesterday was a busy day.  There was a lot of unpacking, laundry and repacking to do.  I put most of the things away that I got from my mother, but I have a box of things that I want to wait until Emma is here so we can all look at them together.

Everywhere I looked was chaos yesterday, but I still found myself on Family Search, looking up about my grandpa's brothers.  Olivia called and I told her I had. to. get. to. work.  She said there were worse vices than Family Search.  Maybe, but I finally got off the computer and got everything tidied and put away and folded eventually.

Today we have a lunch at school for teachers and Matt said there is a big surprise and we "won't want to miss it."  I was texting with my team last night and we can't tell if the hype is sarcastic or not.  There was enough hype that I am going to the lunch--at least for a while-- and then Mark and Adam will pick me up and we will head straight to the airport.  We are flying to Seattle.  We will meet up with Braeden and QE at the Seattle airport and then we'll all go to the Mariner's game!  I am looking forward to family time.  We will celebrate Jackson and Jenna's wedding on Saturday and there is a WGU graduation in Seattle and besides that, just lots and lots of time together.

Weekend

 We convened at my dad's again on Friday.  We didn't finish going through everything, but I don't think any of it is going anywhere.  Later in the afternoon, when he was finished working, Adam and I went to Marianne and Robert's.  I took my mop/vacuum on the road again and I cleaned part of their floor and Marianne did the rest.  After that we visited a while.  We came home and had dinner, then Marianne and Robert and Clarissa came over to play games.  (Olivia and Edgar had gone fishing!)

We played Five Crowns, which is almost entirely luck and I won almost every hand.  If I were a gambler, it would have been a good night to hit a casino.  We enjoyed being together and I was happy that Adam got a tiny bit of leisure time because he hardly ever gets any.

Saturday morning Marianne was busy, but I met Olivia at my dad's for a walk.  My dad and Olivia were whispering in the sun room when I got there because Ammon and his girls were there and sleeping.  Ammon came downstairs and came on our walk with us.  It was nice to have him join.  

My dad had a few things he wanted taken.  Olivia had left by then so I asked Ammon if he wanted any of them.  He took a small framed picture of Grandma Jaynes, but he picked up another frame and asked, "Who is in this picture?"

I was shocked.  It was our Great Grandma and Grandpa Wood.  I remember them so clearly. Ammon looked on Family Search to see when they died.  He was a few months old when Grandpa Wood died and two when Grandma Wood died.   (I was ten and twelve years old so I remember them.) That Ammon is just a young'un!

Mark went to the temple with his cousins and Adam and I decided to go to town to get a few things.  None of it was exactly urgent, but Adam said, "I have time now."  Fair point.

One thing we wanted to do was get a replacement for a bi-fold door that broke a while ago.  I googled it to see if they had it at Home Depot.  I learned that you have to buy two doors and all the hardware (rails, etc.). We only needed one door, because everything else was fine. I saw out the window that my dad had brought Lucette over in his buggy to visit Ammon, who was mowing down by the barn.  I decided to enlist my brain trust and see what they thought about it.

Armed with this picture, I walked down to the barn.

They peered at the picture on my phone, shading the sunlight with their hands.  Ammon described what I could do with a block of wood and glue and clamps.  They came up to the house for further inspection.  My dad looked at it and said, "I can put a piece of steel over it."  I gave him a tape measure and he quickly measured it (didn't write anything down, which impressed me because I would have forgotten).

We went to town to buy the other things we were needing and when we got home, the door was fixed.  My dad is a wonder.  He just had a piece of steel, made it fit, drilled a hole for the pin, attached it.  My entire life, my dad could just fix anything.  I don't know.  Everyone is talented in some way. 

My dad seems extra.

While my dad and Ammon were over, I showed them the latest (three-dimensional this time) installation in the Thelmoma.

We had three chairs in our school room when I homeschooled our kids.  One was blue and two were red.  They had been relegated to the basement, but finally gave up the ghost a few months ago.  They were just falling apart.  Adam was going to get rid of them, but he knows me.  He said, "Do you want to do something with these?"  Homeschooling our kids is one of my favorite things I've ever done.  It was hard and intense at times, but like a lot of parenting, my memories of it are cozy and nostalgic.  I took a side piece of each chair and hung them on the walls.

They make me happy.

Otherwise on Saturday I napped, made gluten free brownies for Sunday for Mark, packed up a lot of stuff to take home and tidied up some.  We were going to make frozen pizza for dinner, but it was hot and I didn't want to turn on the oven.  We had dinner under the bridge as my mom used to call it:  every man for himself.

Adam and I went over to my dad's and visited with him and Ammon and Melanee (who had arrived by then).  Olivia came for a little while and it is just nice to be close and be able to drop in and out of each other's homes so easily.

Sunday was such a nice day.  Marianne and Robert spoke in church (and Omar was the youth speaker).  Also, Clarissa and Hyrum sang "I'll Go Where You Want Me to Go."  I had this image pop in my head of me walking into the Utah Cancer Specialists.  Heavenly Father has a plan for each of us, the point is what we do with the path before us.

Sacrament meeting was so good.  I felt inspired and a desire to be better.  I don't know what else you could ask for.

We went home and got our house all packed up.  It is more of a process in winter, but it is also a process in summer.  We stripped the beds and gathered up all the towels/laundry.  We packed our bags and cleaned out the fridge and cupboards.  We covered all the furniture and replaced the mousetraps.

Marianne hosted about 70 people at her house, like you do.  Of course she did it with aplomb and everyone was happy and well fed.  I enjoyed visiting with people and had a really interesting conversation with my aunt Olivia and asked her about her experience being a teenager when my grandparents were mission leaders.  She also told me about a time she borrowed a car from a stranger who wasn't home but left the keys in it!

One really delightful thing that happened on Sunday was meeting our second cousin Ken.  (Ken Dahl, which is also delightful.)  Marianne and I knew his brother and sister Harvey and Amanda when we were in college.  Marianne has connected more with Amanda since then and they are Facebook friends so Amanda knew about Marianne and Robert's homecoming.  I guess she told Ken and Ken came.  He brought two of his children (Mark and Emmeline).  Another Mark Dahl!  They live in Springville and I enjoyed talking to them and getting to know them a little.  When he found out we had bought my grandparents house, he asked, "Harvey and Margaret's house?!?"  I said yes and I offered to show him around before he left.

Adam and I drove over and they followed in their car.  He looked around and said, "I remember this!"  He told me about a time at a reunion that there was a snake and my grandma killed it with a shovel and he was in awe.  I told him I possibly threw crabapples at him at a reunion because Lincoln had deputized all of us and we climbed the Big Tree House.  We pulled up the ladder so no second cousins could join us and then we threw crabapples at them.  Ken seemed to forgive me.

We talked about the brick house and I showed him a picture.  He told me that he and his wife had decided to name their oldest son Alexander at a reunion there when someone told a story about Alexander Dahl immigrating from Norway to Salt Lake City.  He got emotional telling me about being there and singing "Families Can Be Together Forever" as a big group.  He pointed to the spot under the trees and said, "Right there."  He remembered he was standing right next to his dad and hearing him sing.  (His dad passed away around the same time as our mom.)  He said, "This has been really healing for me."

I loved it.  I love connecting with family and sharing happy memories (crabapple throwing notwithstanding) of a place and heritage that matters to us.  He put a pin on his phone for where it is.  (He said, "I would never be able to find this again!")  I told him to come again and bring his other kids.  I said, "Mow the lawn when you stop by."

I am grateful that that sacred place, where I feel so grounded and like I know my place in the world, is still in our family.  "Harvey and Margaret's house" means something to a lot of people, because they mean something to a lot of people.

Grateful Friday

Adam and Mark are here!  They got here in the middle of the night and I am grateful they made it and so glad to have them aboard.  I hate how much Adam and I are apart lately.  I like that guy and I want to be in the same place as him.

Mark brought my backpack!  So I am typing on my laptop and I can add pictures:

Here is the latest installation for what Emma calls the Thelmoma (Thelma + Museum of Modern Art).

I saw a picture online that I used as inspiration, but mine is slightly different.  

I told my dad maybe someday I will take a painting class so my skill can match my enthusiasm.

Here's my grandma's praying statue.  (Did everyone's grandma have one of these in the 80s?)

Should have moved those candlesticks that aren't usually there before taking the picture, but alas.

I also got this figurine:

It is pretty, but I mostly selected it off the table because of the story behind it.  I can't remember if it originally belonged to my Great Grandma Wood, or my Great Aunt Mary and Uncle Tom.  There were two of them, one blue and one yellow.  The blue one was named Mary and this one, Coralie (spelled different than my mom's name, Coralee, but no one is too picky).

The Mary figurine was supposed to go to my aunt Mary, the Coralie was supposed to go to my mom.  At the passing of whoever they belonged to originally, my grandma decided my mom's house wasn't nice enough for the figurine so she kept it.  When my grandma died, my mom finally got her statue.

My grandma is one of the best people I know.  I am honored to be named after her.  She was righteous, faithful, generous, fun to be around and an incredibly hard worker.

She was also a little bit of a snob and I love her for it.  (No one likes someone who is perfect in every way.)

I am grateful I got to go to the temple yesterday with my sisters, Edgar, Ruben and our dad.  I rode with the Cobians and Edgar hopped in the back with Ruben and Olivia and I sat in the front which was so kind of him.  (I get carsick.). We met up with everyone for either a really late lunch or really early dinner at 3:00.  We ordered our food then all got up and walked two doors down to look at Marianne and Robert's business.  It is very impressive.  I wondered what people thought as we all trooped back into the restaurant about the time our food was ready.

After lupper (lunch + supper) we went to the temple.  The Elko temple is tiny, but I still get turned around in there.  One of my mom's best friends, Laurel, was working there and she guided me at every turn.  It was so nice to be at the temple with that group.  The temple magnifies my love for my family and it magnifies my feeling of belonging in the world.

When I'm there, I feel a deeper sense of who I am and whose I am and what matters most.

I walked with my sisters this morning and we met at our dad's house.  He had this set aside for me to take:

I painted it in 1987 and it is so bad.  Only a mother would keep something like that for almost 40 years.  I asked my dad if he was sure he didn't want to keep it.  "It might be valuable someday."  (Ha ha.)

Olivia has been helping my dad add pictures to the life history my mom wrote.  She asked me for pictures of Braeden and Emma when they were young.  I found two with my mom.  The one with Braeden is kind of blurry, but it was the late 90s/early 2000s and we were doing our best.

Seeing her shine in her role as grandmother makes me grateful.  On my birthday, my mom used to tell me she was glad I stood in her line in heaven.

I am glad I did too!

Stalwart and brave

I just got back from a walk with Marianne (Olivia was busy).  We saw Hannah and Aunt Olivia and hugged and chatted a minute.  I have run out of ways to say how much I love it here.

Yesterday Marianne and Olivia and I walked on the bridle path along Boulder Creek.  We were talking about rings and I mentioned the ring my dad had made me on the occasion of my first date. Olivia said, “What?!?  He didn’t make me anything for my first date!”  

Marianne said, “He made me a necklace for my first date.”

Olivia said, “What?!?”

I said, “I guess you’re not his favorite like you always think you are.”

We stopped at my dad’s because I had to use the bathroom.  We walked in the door and I called, “Hi Daddy!  I need to use the bathroom and Olivia has a bone to pick with you.”

When I came out of the bathroom, Olivia was sketching on a piece of paper how she wants my dad to fashion her ring, which broke, into a pendant for a necklace.  She said that would make up for not getting first date jewelry.

I know my dad loves us, but collectively, we are kind of a lot.

My phone has ceased to get along with Adam’s iPad so I can’t add a picture of the statue I got from my mother.  It had been my grandma’s. (On the bottom, my grandma had written Coralee so that it got to its rightful place.) It is a statue of a woman kneeling in prayer.   Both of my grandmas actually used to have the exact same statue (my Aunt Olivia has Grandma Dahl’s).  

 I love the statue because it reminds me of my childhood and visiting my faithful grandmothers.  They were women who prayed.  I love that the statue was passed to my mom and then to me.  My grandma taught my mom to pray and she passed that to me.

Firm as the mountains around us, stalwart and brave they stand on the rock our [mothers] planted for us in the goodly land.

I have been feeling incredibly grateful for my life and all the blessings I have because my grandparents taught my parents and they taught me.  I don’t deserve any of it, but I feel very lucky to have landed where I did.  I feel motivated to follow the examples they left.  I don’t want to let them down.  I don’t want to live below their expectations.

I also miss my mom so much it hurts.  Going through her things is like reopening a wound.  There is also a sting of finality about it.  We have questions.  We want to know more about everything she knew about.  I don’t know what to do about the questions.  Where did you get this?  What is the story behind that?

I was looking at the things I brought home yesterday.  There are valuable pieces of jewelry that were my grandma’s, there are beautiful silver pieces my dad engraved, there are all sorts of things anyone would treasure as well as things that are treasures to only us.

One thing I have is a little tool my mom used for quilting.  I picked it up off the table when it was my turn to pick something.  

I would give anything to spend an afternoon quilting with my mom.

My sisters

 Yesterday morning I took a walk with Marianne.  (The three of us can walk together, we proved it Monday evening with a walk.). We talked and cried and laughed and explained and walked.  When the three of us were growing up and getting ready for school, we would ask each other.  “Does this look OK?”  “Does this work?”  “How about this?”

We could count on each other to tell the truth.

Now we do a version of the same thing.  When we talk, we reveal our worries and fears.  “Am I OK?”  “Is what I’m doing working?” “How about this?”

We still tell each other the truth.  And the truth is a version of, “You’ve got this and you are doing great.”

We convened at our dad’s again yesterday and went through our mother’s drawers.  More sorting and contemplating.  We moved to the kitchen table with the jewelry.  There were many things that our dad had made our mom over the years.  There was also a bracelet he gave her when they were high school sweethearts and a few other sentimental pieces our dad kept.  We selected some things for our sisters-in-law and made a granddaughter pile.  We divided the rest.  Marianne made a system (of course she did—we need her).  We each got a little stack of treasures; some had been our grandma’s and some our dear mother’s.

Olivia was crying at the end when she was boxing up stuff.  Our dad said, “Are you up for this?”

She said she was.  We are, even though we aren’t.  It is a paradox that this is too hard, but since we’re together, we can.

Marianne and Olivia came over for lunch and then a little later in the afternoon, our mom’s friend Merry and Demar’s wife, our aunt Lora, came because they wanted to visit and talk to us about our mom.  It was lovely.  They wanted to hear about our memories of her as a mother, if we were like her, what we’d learned from her and about her marriage to our dad.  I loved talking about it all and I loved that Olivia recorded what we were saying too.  Merry and Lora are two women my mom loved so much and it was good for all of us to connect and remember.

We all wish we were more like our mother.  Olivia and I were talking last night and decided that maybe (maybe) the three of us combined on our best day could come close.

We miss her

 Yesterday I told my dad I was trying to figure out why we don’t live here all the time.  I really love it.  

Olivia and I took an early walk and I went outside to wait for Olivia and our Aunt Olivia and cousin Hannah were walking by.  We stopped to chat and Hannah told me about the encounter they’d just had with a badger.  (More specifically it was an encounter one of their dogs had with the badger.). Hannah said it was “enough drama for the week.”

Olivia and I walked around the circle and she told me about her job and I told her about the dust bowl (I am seriously fascinated and it’s probably a good thing that I forgot my backpack with that book in it or I would keep telling everyone all about it).

Later my sisters and I met up at my dad’s to start the process of going through my mom’s things.  We didn’t know what my dad would want to do and I know we all wish she was here and we didn’t have to think about it.  We decided to start with the clothes, which was a lot.  Maybe we should have started with something less emotional, but we dove in.  

We laughed and cried a little more than we laughed.

There were certain clothes that we’d pull out that just reminded us so much of her and we’d weep.  We each took at least one sentimental shirt that we’ll never wear, but we will always treasure.  We made a huge pile of clothes for our sisters-in-law and daughters and nieces to consider (we’ll donate anything they don’t want) and we picked some clothes we wanted too.  Some of the clothes smelled just like her and we passed them around, inhaling and crying.

There were some clothes in a bin that had been our grandma’s.  I claimed a raincoat and it smelled like her house.  I wish someone could figure out how to bottle up scents like your grandma’s house or your mom.

My mom’s purse was in the bottom of the closet and I opened it and it was just 100% my mom’s purse.  The contents would have been the same when I was ten years old.  There is just something so comforting and familiar about your mom’s purse.  There were a lot of pens.  She was always ready with a pen.  There was a Reader’s Digest magazine, because she was never without reading material.  There were emery boards, keys, her wallet.  All the things.  I handed my dad the wallet and he pulled out her temple recommend and we cried fresh tears.  It was a prized possession of hers.

When everything was sorted and folded and contained, I came back to our house and cried.  I felt somehow like I’d lost my mother all over again.  I really don’t think it’s something I’ll ever get over and I guess I’m glad about that.

I am a lucky girl to be her daughter.

I am also so grateful for our good dad who hugs us when we cry together and is as ever, the steady in any storm.  I’m grateful for my sisters.  I’m glad we can be together.

Weekend

 I am writing from the most perfectly serene little spot.  My chair at the Home Place.  It makes me happy to be here.  That is all.

I cut some of the sweet peas my grandma planted for the table (her table).  

We drove here—in two cars—on Friday.  We stopped for gas at Maverik and Adam noticed two of his lug nuts had broken off!  I was grateful he noticed.  We parted ways, I headed to Starr Valley and he went to Les Schwab for a repair.  

It has been unusually hot in Starr Valley, where few people have AC.  It was 80 degrees in our house.  Once Adam arrived, he set up the AC unit Emma used to have in her apartment in our bedroom.  It helps a lot!

Braeden and Anna and Co. arrived and we were thrilled to see them.  It felt like a great bonus that we got another brief visit with them.  

Saturday morning my dad and Olivia came over to visit and then the Californians headed home.  It was harder to say good-bye to them this time, but then I remembered that at least we’ll see Braeden and QE in Washington next week.  That is a happy thought, although we’ll miss Anna and the YP.  

Adam worked outside (I pulled about 5 weeds, but that was all of my outside contribution).  I stripped the beds our guests had used and mopped and put the toys away and just generally tidied up inside.  It was climbing into the mid 90s outside so Adam called it quits in the early afternoon.  I napped and he caught up on email and work and church stuff.

I realized I had forgotten my backpack.  Inside was my computer and family history notebook, my journal and three books to read.  Tragic.  Adam, because he is the nicest soul, offered to drive back to UT to get it.  I told him that was ridiculous, though kind.  I decided I could adapt and overcome.  I got a book to read on Libby and Adam said I could use his iPad.  I found an old notebook in a drawer, so I am all set.

After dinner we, along with Olivia, went to visit my dad.

Early Sunday morning, Adam left to get to church on time in Pleasant Grove and then he is going to Nashville again.  My dad gave me a ride to church.  I always enjoy going to church in Wells.  I think it would feel like home even if I weren’t related to about 1/3 of the people there.

Olivia had my dad, Marianne and Robert and me over for dinner.  We ate a delicious meal (I had offered to bring grapes and I forgot them) and had a Come Follow Me discussion.  Time well spent.  

I napped and read and worked a little on Family History on this iPad.  I keep trying to use the track pad that isn’t there, but it’s working.

In the evening we went over to my dad’s to visit.  

I woke up earlier than I needed to this morning, but I was rewarded by a beautiful sunrise and seeing my friend the barn owl.  (I don’t strictly know if he is a friend, but owls eat mice, so I am feeling a fondness.)