Grateful Friday

 Happy Halloween!  (Happy Nevada Day for those who celebrate.) 

I am hopefully sufficiently braced for the day.  Yesterday after school a first grader was zooming down the hall yelling, "Halloween! Halloween!"

They are very excited.  I wish I could put some of the students' energy in my IV bag next time.

Halloween is one of my least favorite holidays, but it is fun at school because they are so excited and the teachers are very invested.  The teachers are doing a Reading Rainbow theme and every team is dressed like characters from a book.  We are from The Three Little Tall Pigs.  There is no such book, but there's nothing little about us.

We have ears and snouts and tails and all.  But basically I get to wear jeans and a t-shirt, so I'm in.

I am grateful to be a teacher.

I am grateful for Takis.  Yesterday, my students were thrilled.  One said, "I'm going to behave."

My mantra was no talking if you want Takis.  One boy who just does what he wants and smiles charmingly when you correct him, came up to me after school and said, "I have five stars.  I wanted Takis so I locked in."

Jill for the win!

I am grateful Adam is home.  He got home late Wednesday night.  He brought me cannolis from Mike's Pastries from Harvard Yard.  He said, "I thought you could share them at school."

Which was perfect timing because I have been forgetting my traffic duty and Alissa has been covering for me and so I said they were apology pastries.

I cut them up and we sampled pistachio, hazelnut and pumpkin spice. Delicious!

I went to my doctor's office for bloodwork and it was the most comfortable port accessing I have had.  That is something to be grateful for!

They also told me that I have lost too much weight.  I think I look normal, how I looked pre-menopause.  I don't know.  She said, "You need more caloric intake, even if it is ice cream."

I mean, I just had cannolis.  I think I'm doing the work....

It is true that I'm not that hungry.  They have free samples of Ensure at the doctor's office and I got a bottle.  Melanee said it was a good idea and she knows nutrition.  I'm grateful for people who know stuff.

I'm grateful it's Friday.  I'm grateful to be alive.  I'm grateful for autumn.

I'm not crying, you're crying

 Yesterday one of my students proudly said, "I did it!" when she walked in the door.

I said, "Great!  What did you do?"

She looked confused, I felt confused.  She took off her jacket and showed me she was wearing red from head to toe.  Several other students showed me they were wearing red.  One boy, who acts too cool for everyone in the room, was wearing red.  

Finally one of them explained to me.  "Our parents got a text that we should wear red today because it is your favorite color."

It was so sweet!  I picked sticks for their brain bins, which is what we do first thing in the morning and I had a quavering voice, trying not to cry.  For one thing, they don't need to see me crying first thing in the morning and for another thing, I was overwhelmed by the earnestness of them showing each other their red.  "I don't have a red shirt, but see, I have red on my shoes."

I had a visibly pale student who moaned, "I don't feel well."

A boy said, "I don't feel so good."

A girl was coughing and sneezing.

Someone picked their nose.

I went to my desk and pulled out a mask.  I was not, for the record, feeling nostalgic for COVID, I just got the results of my WBC count and let's just say it is not good.  I feel like a sitting duck.

I had purchased a big package of masks for me from Amazon, but a mother brought in some kid masks, leftover from COVID.  Several of my students wanted to wear one.  I said, "You don't have to wear one, but I have these if you want."

They lined up.

Most of them didn't last the day in a mask (and I don't blame them) and I don't expect them to wear masks, but I was touched by their solidarity.

I went into the faculty room at lunch time, still wearing my mask and the conversation halted and people gave me sad smiles.  Ugh.  I told myself that they'll get used to me wearing a mask.  So will I.  

In the afternoon, I saw Camie in the work room.  I said, "Did you text parents about wearing red?"  She admitted she had and I hugged her.  

She said, "Don't cry and don't make me cry."

I went through the day, feeling better than the previous day, still feeling tired.  I decided to preserve my energy rather than attempt a walk with Kim.  I actually walk a lot at school.  

I had a package on the doorstep.

It was from Amazon, and it was Takis!  Jill read my blog and had them sent.

Then I did cry.  (No third graders were here to give me a side eye.)  

I texted her my thanks and she replied:

My students will be over the moon.  I'm over the moon.  How did I get so lucky to be in a world with such amazingly kind people?!?

I love my village.

Honorable mention

 I think I've had harder school days--like when I had a migraine--but I think yesterday at least deserves an honorable mention. 

I walked into school and I thought, "Oh no.  What am I doing?"  I did not feel well.  

In the 10:00 hour, nausea hit me with a full force.  Foolishly, I hadn't brought my nausea medicine. (Mark said, "It's like my diabetic supplies. You should just always have it with you."  He isn't wrong.)

I hadn't really been needing it and I didn't take any on Monday.  Why won't cancer just behave?!?

I had the thought to see if Mark could bring it when he went to class at UVU.

Mark for the actual win.

He thinks I eat toddler food.  He brought me animal crackers, a cheese stick and some applesauce.  And my medicine.

He saved me.

My nausea improved and I felt kind of dizzy and kind of weak and a lot tired, but guess what?  I survived!

Every day I survive.  

And even honorably mentioned bad days are not all the way bad.

My students (and Lela, my stellar sub, left me these):

Alissa said, "You did your first chemo!" and brought me these:

One of my students wrote this on the back of her math paper:

Maren did the paperwork for my multilingual learners while I was gone.  Matt stopped to ask how I was (and it was hard to take him seriously as he had dyed his hair blue because we had over 100 people sign up for PTA--it helps that it is basically mandatory for teachers).  The school nurse checked in.

Everyone and I mean everyone is so kind.

And then third grade is my happy place.

We discussed the meaning of toad and scold and coal.  (We are doing long o sounds in phonics.  One of my English learners thought toad was the same as toe.  Another boy laughed and I said, "Do you know Spanish?"  He meekly said no.  I said, "He does and he is amazing.  There is no laughing."  Nothing gets under my skin like that.  No one knew that coal is not just something you get for Christmas if you are naughty.)

In math we had 6 x 7 and they were about to come unglued so I said, "Go ahead."  

They all said, "6-7!"

(If you don't know what that is, just feel grateful.)

The same boys who lose their minds over 6-7 begged me for Takis or Hot Cheetos.  I said that I would buy some for my prize box and suddenly everyone cares more about earning stars (5 stars = a prize).  I will buy all the Takis and Hot Cheetos known to man.

"But not today," I said.  "I'm not going to the store after school."

"OK, but when?" 

"Sometime.  No promises."

"But you do promise you will get some?"

"Yes.  Eventually."

They were OK with that.

My student who won't really do anything finished the sentence I started.  Another student who threw his paper rather than write a sentence, wrote two sentences after I retrieved the paper.

We are all learning along together.  We are all learning that we can do this!

Plans

 I'm learning you can have plans all you want.  Good luck with that....

In my mind, I was going to feel a lot better yesterday and get some stuff done.  It didn't really happen.  I didn't have much get up and go.  

Mark took me to my doctor appointment.  He said, "I would feel better if you weren't driving."

I was glad to have him, my emotional support son.  They took some blood and gave me an IV bag of fluids.  Mark and I played cards during it and he won, consistently.  

While we were playing, Mark asked me what I was going to do the rest of the day and I said, "Well, I have a list."

He said, "You wouldn't be my mother if you did not have a list."

The nurse said that some people find that coming in for an extra dose of fluids helps with symptoms.  I don't know if it would be worth the extra poke to my port (that hurts!) if I wasn't getting blood drawn anyway, but for the hundredth time, I felt really grateful for how close my doctor's office is to my house.  It makes circling back for more fluids not too difficult if I decide I want them.

Mark took me home and then took Joan to get her registration done.  He said he felt like he was taking my daughter to the prom.  I kept saying, "Be careful!"

(For the record, I do value my actual daughter more than Joan, but every one of my children has dents and dings on their cars.  They aren't what you would call spatially aware when driving....) 

Adam went to Boston.  Neither of us was all that excited about it.  I told him to go do something fun that you can only do in Boston.  He didn't know if he'd have time, but Pepe's, our favorite New Haven pizza place, has opened a restaurant in Boston so he thought he may try to go if given the opportunity.  He'll do his best.

That's kind of the order of the day.  We're all doing our best.  I feel a bit like I'm limping along behind where I'd like to be, but I also feel lifted and sustained.

Yesterday, the mother of one of my student's texted and wondered if she could stay after school on the two days a week that she comes to help in the afternoon and help me clean up the classroom (wipe everything down, tidy, etc.).  My initial thought was to decline, but then I realized it would be helpful.  People are amazingly helpful.

Something that is going to plan is that I'm headed back to school today.  I still feel a little bit like I'm floating above myself.  I don't really feel prepared for the day.  I am hoping teaching third grade is like riding a bike. 

I'll pick it up again.

Weekend

My weekend was a roller coaster, but a really gentle one.  The highs weren't too high and the lows weren't too low.

Chemo was not anyone's favorite, but not terrible either.  I was feeling good about things because I was managing 150 ml/hr pretty well.  Adam asked the nurse what they wanted it to get to and he said, "400 ml/hr."  Wow.

Once I got to 250 ml/hr, I had an allergic reaction: itchy throat and ears and tingling around my lips.  They stopped everything and gave me more steroids and Benadryl and saline.

Then they said that they couldn't give me any more steroids or Benadryl so they were going to call it off.  I still had 10% of the drug in the IV bag and that stressed me out.  Don't I need all of it?!?

I still needed to do the other chemo drug so they hooked me up to that.  Mark came along and he and Adam and I played cards at a table set up for just the purpose.  The nurse came over and checked on me periodically and it felt slightly surreal, but also nice to be sitting around a table, playing cards.

The chemo drug went down swimmingly and didn't take too long.  They told me they wanted me to come back in on Monday for more lab work and possibly more fluids.  I got the feeling that things weren't going well.  It was stressful.  Two nurses said I had "a lot of disease" in my body.

I was nocturnal again--steroids will do that to you--and I felt stressed about my apparent lack of success at chemo.  Saturday morning, my chest hurt and it was hard to breathe, especially on the stairs.  I called my doctor's office.  Someone is always on call.  At my appointment, my doctor had said, "We want you to call.  It is what we've signed up for."

It happened that my doctor was on call so I got to talk to him.  He hadn't been there Friday so I was able to get reassurance from him that what happened to me does happen occasionally and that it wouldn't change "the bigger picture."  He said that if my chest got worse, to go to the ER, but it would probably be OK.

And it was.  It didn't get better fast, but it didn't get worse.  He said I probably had extra fluid around my lungs.  

Who has more fun than cancer patients?!?

I realized that things not going how I expected is another reminder that cancer is complicated and out of my control despite my illusions.  It is clearly a lesson I need to be reminded of and often.

Janet and I text back and forth our experiences.  Geri called me; I talked to Erin.  Marianne and Olivia called.  I talked to my parents.  I feel loved and that matters so much.

I love that I can go months and even years without talking to Erin and then we talk and I feel like we are back in room 1111 in Budge Hall.  Bless that computer that matched us up as roommates.

I watched Norah's funeral on zoom.  How I would have loved to be there, sitting in the cousin section, surrounding them with love.  She is the daughter of my dear cousin Hannah and her husband, Jeff.  Hannah and Jeff both spoke at the funeral and it was about as uplifting as a funeral could possibly be.  I have been impressed by their actions at every stage of this tragedy and the funeral was no exception.  They both expressed their love for Norah as well as their love for the Gospel and their knowledge that they would see Norah again and that Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us.  They know that Jesus is the Christ and it makes all the difference.

Adam and our kids went to the temple to do baptisms and then (at my suggestion) they went and got Chinese food because I don't like Chinese food and it was their big chance.  They didn't argue with my logic.

Adam and I went to Winco when they got home.  I want to take little walks and I thought Winco could be my walk. 

It was exhausting!  I leaned on the cart and walked really slowly and I don't know how it could be that tiring, but I guess you need platelets in your blood after all.  

I still think it's good for me to move a little bit.

Our neighbors, Kim and Rod, brought over dinner.  Rod is the cook and he is amazing.  The dinner was incredible.  I feel so blessed to be surrounded by kindness.

I slept 10+ hours Saturday night and I woke up with more fatigue than I thought possible.  My body was just heavy.  I am grateful that nausea hasn't been too much of an issue.  I have a bunch of anti-nausea medicine and it is doing the trick.

Sunday was mostly just a blur.  I slept and did a few things, but was too tired to focus for very long.  I've really never felt anything like it.

Last night I slept another 11 hours.  Today I am going back to the doctor for more blood work and hopefully I will feel a regaining of energy, because the plan was to go to school tomorrow.

I hope my body is on board with the plan....

Grateful Friday

 Well, turns out chemo isn't exactly in my skill set.  I wasn't very good at it.

They accessed the port, gave me Tylenol, gave me a shot in my stomach, gave me a steroid (them: this may make it hard to sleep tonight) and Benadryl (me: this may just fix the steroid sleep thing).

Then they started the drug.  I was humming along and then I felt this heaviness in my chest and a panicky feeling of dread.  (Mark said that could be adrenaline and he feels the same way when his blood sugar goes way low.). I had about three nurses clamoring around me.  They shut off the IV and checked my oxygen (low) and blood pressure (also low).  They had me breathing oxygen through a tube in seconds and gave me saline in the IV and everything eventually calmed down.  

I learned something.  I was wearing this dark red nail polish and the oxygen sensor things they put on your finger don't work as well with dark nail polish.  I had to have it on sideways.  (I have since removed my nail polish!)

They started me back up eventually at a lower rate.  They crept it up again and I had an even bigger reaction.  This time I had lower back cramping which was my kidneys being unhappy with the situation.  They did all the same things again.

My doctor came and talked to me and said basically that it wasn't going to plan.  They had thought they would get the entire IV bag done yesterday and then do a different drug today (and it would only be for an hour).

He said, "So you'll be here all day again tomorrow."

After a while I started to feel better again and they started the medicine on a slow drip.  

Later, when I was in the bathroom and I saw my reflection.  I was pale.  Adam said he had never seen me so pale.  It was a wild ride.

I'm so grateful for medicine though.  I'm grateful I had my AirPods to help me relax.  I listened to the tail end of the Follow Him podcast and I listened to my playlist of BYU choirs singing hymns.  (I pretend I can hear Emma.)  I did a meditation when I was feeling really panicked and it helped.  I'm grateful Janet suggested bringing headphones as well as mints because the medicine left me an unpleasant taste in my mouth.

I'm grateful for everyone who called/texted to check in on me.  I'm grateful for prayers on my behalf.  I'm grateful for Adam who refilled my ice water cup approximately 70 times.

I'm grateful for Cortney bringing me dinner she and Danielle had prepared.  They carefully had designated which things were gluten free and which were not.  

I feel loved and cared for.  My body feels wacky, like it doesn't know if I'm tired or what, but I did it.  I am 1/12 of the day done (assuming I can ever get that IV bag accomplished today).

The steroids had me awake around 3:45 this morning.  I had sort of expected that so I read and relaxed and didn't worry about it.  Besides, I had gone to bed early.  

I am ready for another day in the chair.  I've already learned some things that will help.  I can do this!

Chemo, day 1

 Nobody wants to need chemo.  I start today.

I am intimidated and kind of dreading it and I will be glad when it is over.

I decided to challenge myself to see if I could think of 10 positive things about the experience:

1- I am finally starting my treatment!  This is what I need to feel better and to heal.

2- I get to sit down the entire day.  (Which I usually hate, but yesterday I felt sick and kind of dizzy at times and sitting down seems like a good idea.)

3- I have things to keep me occupied.  I have books to read and my cross-stitch and an audio book and the Follow Him podcast and music to listen to.  My bag is packed and I really have a wealth of activities.

4- After this I will have a better idea of what to expect:  knowledge is power.

5- I have seen over and over the goodness of people.  Last night my ministering sister and friend, Molly, dropped off a care package including a cozy red hoodie.  She already crocheted a beautiful red blanket for me.  (She texted Adam to ask him my favorite color.). Molly is preparing to donate a kidney next week because a man in our ward needs one.  If I could be more like Molly, I would be very happy.

6- I have a really great sub who I trust completely.  And my students like her too.

7- Some of my students hugged me good-bye yesterday.  And one of my favorites from last year sought me out and hugged me too.  She doesn't know I needed her hug, but I did.

8- My doctor's office is minutes from our house.  What a gift!

9- Speaking of gifts, I am grateful for the prayers of people who love me.  I couldn't ask for more.

10- I get to spend the entire day with Adam.  (It could be up to 8 hours.)  I'm grateful for Adam.  And more than just time with him.  He is exactly who I need.  Always.  I didn't know when I married him that he would be really good at having a wife with cancer, but here we are.