What I learned

 I saw a text message from Marianne this morning:

Did you learn anything?

She meant about my PET scan.  I didn't.  But I think I did learn something.

My doctor was supposed to call yesterday.  I checked my phone throughout the day.  Once school was out, I turned the ringer on and carried my phone with me every time I left the classroom.

He didn't call.

On my drive home, I called the doctor's office.  They said, "He has the note.  He will call you.  Probably at the end of the day."

So I waited.  

I had an increasingly anxious knot in my stomach as the time slipped by.  5:00 turned to 5:15 turned to 5:30.  I wondered when his end of the day was.  Did he make calls after hours?

5:30 turned to 5:45 turned to 6:00.

That's when I knew he probably wasn't calling.  I started feeling mad.  Why couldn't he just call?!?  I know he has the results.  I thought about those rage rooms where you throw dishes and things.  Maybe I needed that.

Then, on the heels of that idea, I stopped.

What if I didn't get mad?  What if I didn't let it ruin my (and Adam's and Mark's) evening?  If I did get mad and cry (I definitely felt like crying) and moaned all evening, it would probably disrupt my much needed sleep, but it wouldn't mean that the doctor would call any sooner.

So I decided to just not.

I still feel frustrated by the entire thing, but I had a normal evening.  We even started watching The Thursday Murder Club (I was too tired to finish it).

So I didn't learn anything new about my health, but I did learn that I am in charge of me.  I can decide where to focus my limited energy.

Weekend

On Friday I had an astonishingly bad day.  I cried (twice) at school.  The first time my students saw me and the second time I was talking to Riley and I have never not ever seen a more uncomfortable person in my life than when I was crying to Riley.

Sigh.

I came home and took a quick nap.

My nurse called about my PET scan.  She didn't have very much concrete or positive to say about my case and made me really feel worse.

My doctor may call today.  I'm trying to manage my expectations.

I drove to Salt Lake City (I called Marianne on the way and cried to her which is way more comfortable than crying to Riley).  I picked up Emma and we headed to Starr Valley.  There was an accident on the freeway that delayed us 2 1/2 hours.

If you're going to be delayed in traffic for 2 1/2 hours, you could do worse than Emma.  Still.  I was just so tired.

We finally got to Starr Valley and I was enveloped in hugs by Adam and Mark and Braeden.  (QE was already asleep.). I loved having our kids there with us.  Both nights they were there, they stayed up way too late talking.  It is a joy to me that they love being together and I love the way they can make each other laugh.

Saturday we went to Elko to the temple open house.  It was wonderful.  I loved being there with everyone.  Olivia hooked me up with a wheelchair which I appreciated.  I can walk fine, just standing in the line was tiring.  

It was neck craning to talk to Enoch sitting in the wheelchair, but I was still very happy to see that kid.

I don't so much take pictures at things like this as take pictures later from my sisters when they post them.  

Olivia hasn't posted any yet, but here's one from Marianne:

Braeden (holding QE), Ammon, Mason, Hyrum, Enoch, my dad, Marcos
Me, Emma, Melanee, Clarissa, Robert, Jennifer, Ruby, Olivia, my mom, Charlotte, Lucette, Savannah, Adam and Mark
Olivia, Deseret, Boston, Marianne, Azure, Omar, Cormac and Ammon

As I texted my family, being in the celestial room with this group felt like the very best kind of foreshadowing.  What a blessing that families are forever.

Mark took this picture of us (I don't know where Braeden and QE were):

We went to the stake center and visited a while, waiting for our lunch reservation.  (We didn't know how long the line would be at the temple, so we went extra early.). Our parents treated us to an amazing lunch at the Star.  Worth all the hype.

I loved so much spending time with QE and I was grateful Braeden had been willing to make the drive.  We read stories and played.  She loved her cousins (Braeden's cousins).  She decided Savannah's whole purpose in life was to be with her.  Azure and Charlotte braided her hair and Lucette draped her in play jewelry at my parents' house.  She was in heaven.

Of course I am always quick to brag about her, but listen.  She is so funny and so smart!

We went outside and she saw that there was a piece of cardboard stuck in the grill of Loki, their car.  She laughed and said, "Look!  Loki has a tooth!"

Saturday afternoon, I took a nap and then we visited at my parents' house then went to Marianne's for dinner.  I was "in charge" of the reunion, which means I made a google doc for food assignments, but we really couldn't have done it without Marianne.  As my mom said, "She has a lot of capacity."

Sunday we had breakfast at Olivia's then church.  Clarissa had asked Emma to be a part of a quartet singing at church because Hyrum was going to do it and he was sick.  My girl can be a tenor.  It was so nice to hear her sing with Marianne and Clarissa and Marcos.  

I saw my cousins Margaret and Hannah and Jordan at church and my aunt Claudia and uncle Demar.  It was good to see them.  Bonus reunion.

Margaret and Hannah both hugged me tight and cried with me a little (also easier than crying to Riley).

Our kids all left and Adam and I remained in Starr Valley.  We had lunch at Marianne's and celebrated Lucette's birthday and visited and just enjoyed each other.  

There's happiness and then there is sitting between my sisters happiness.

Ammon's family left and Enoch's family was about to leave and my dad was about to drive Olivia and Ruby and Charlotte back to Lund, when Tabor showed up.  

Another bonus.

So we all crammed into my parents' living room and visited some more.

(I told Tabor that I really love him because I had been super comfortable in a recliner at Marianne's.)

Adam and I went to our house.  I called Melva, my Relief Society president, because she had texted me and asked me to call.

She said that she'd been praying to know how to help me and she had gone to the temple praying how she could help me.  She said the other night she had the idea that she could volunteer in my classroom.  She worked as an aide at Bonneville for 7 years and she knows the ropes.  She said, "You need help, but I know they don't have the budget to hire an aide."  

I said, "Melva, that is so kind, but you are busy.  You don't need to do that."

She said, "Then why would Heavenly Father give me that idea, Thelma?  Why?"

She talked me into it and I cried because I was just overwhelmed by her goodness.

Later Marianne and Robert and Clarissa stopped by and we visited a bit.  After a while, Marianne said, "You look so tired.  We should go."

She was not wrong, but I wished she was.  I would have loved to stay up late talking and playing the game Clarissa brought.

Monday Adam assembled the stools we brought and we hung pictures.

Emma bought me that print in Snohomish at Joyworks.  I hung it in the green room.

In the blue room we hung the paper I got in Sweden on Midsommar and framed:

I think my grandpa would be pleased to have Swedish stuff hanging there.

Adam did the bulk of the packing up and loading up and we drove back to Pleasant Grove.  Before leaving Starr Valley, we stopped at my parents' house to say good-bye and visit a little.  Adam and my dad gave me a priesthood blessing.  I don't know why I was gifted with such parents and was blessed with such a husband.

But I don't take it for granted.

It was a wonderful weekend and now, back to school. (And back to trying to figure out my cancer: my side hustle.)

Grateful Friday

 My doctor told me he would call me the same day as the PET scan to give me the results so we could get my surgery scheduled.

He didn't call.

I don't even think he works on Friday.

So, if you want to, you know, actually know what is happening in your life, I don't suggest cancer.  

Zero stars.  Do not recommend.

At the same time. I have so much to be grateful for. 

I picked up the mail yesterday on the way home from school and I had a package from my friend Jill, who was our neighbor in Washington.

So kind!

I also got texts from both Nola and Stephanie (friend here, not WA Stephanie) asking if they could bring me dinner today or tomorrow.

I declined both because last night we needed to go shopping (and Adam ended up bringing something home) and tonight we're heading to Nevada.

I was talking to my mom yesterday and I told her that every single tiny inspiring quote or snippet of a song or kind interaction (text or in person) with someone gives me just what I need.  It all matters and it all adds up to getting through the day.

In July we had the capital D Dahl reunion, and this weekend we have the lowercase d Dahl reunion.  It's just my parents and siblings and families.  I'm so excited to see everyone.  Sadly, Tabor and Katie won't be coming because it's hard to travel for Katie, but at least their girls will come.

We are a little more battered than last time we got together, but I think I need to see them all the more.

As a huge bonus, Braeden and QE are coming.  Braeden was talking to my mom a while ago and said he was 75% sure they were coming.

My mom said they were taking everyone to the Star for lunch on Saturday and Braeden said, "OK, now I'm 85% sure."

Basque food + my mom for the win!

I wish that I could energetically get ready for the trip and help more with the undertaking of opening up the house.  I have felt a little bit of dread about it all because it will be so exhausting and I will feel like a lame duck.  

Enter Mark and Adam basically telling me to get over it.  They are gems and don't think I don't know it.

Truth and light

 I am always (always) so tired.  I go to bed tired and I wake up tired.  I always have a sore throat.  I always have pressure/rushing in my ears.  I am sometimes dizzy and sometimes nauseous and sometimes have a headache.

 Still.

I am overwhelmed by the fact that I am doing this.  It is so hard and some days are downright miserable, but I am doing this.  

I have so much help.  Priesthood blessing and prayers sustain me and hold me up.

I am so grateful for my family and friends, their support and prayers.  

Yesterday my cousin Margaret texted me.  She has hard won empathy and I was so grateful to hear from her.

Also yesterday, the school counselor asked me pointedly how I was and I finally told her.  We had such a good conversation.  It merged from counselor talk to talking about prayer and the temple.  (I love living and working in Utah County.)

I felt taller after talking to her.

In John 14, Jesus tells the disciples, "I will not leave you comfortless."

I have also not been left comfortless.

I just got home from my PET scan.  It was a surreal experience.  (All of this sort of is.  I feel like I am living in a Salvador Dali painting.)  The hospital has a brand new PET scan that they share with other facilities so it is a mobile unit.  I walked into a trailer with radioactive warning signs everywhere.  

And then they put the radioactive stuff in me!  Did I light up like a Christmas tree?  I guess time will tell.

The technician was very kind as they all are and I got through it.  Adam took me and then Mark switched him out.

I told them both that I could drive myself and they wouldn't hear of it.

For the rest of the morning I'm going to regain my bearings (eat, for example) and then I will go to school for the afternoon.

Surviving and googling

 I have heard people with health situations say, "I have good days and bad days."

I get that now.

Yesterday was not great.  I don't know why.  If I knew why, I would stop doing whatever that thing is....

I came home from school and had an enthusiastic come apart.

I hate feeling sick all. The. Time.  I hate relying on everyone else to do things that I used to be able to do no problem.  I hate knowing there isn't actually an end in sight for any of it.

Here's something very good that happened though.  My PET scan was approved!  I don't know if I was happier or the lady at my doctor's office was happier because I will now stop calling and asking her if it has been approved yet.

It is tomorrow at 6:30 AM.  I think it will be over in plenty of time so I just got a sub for the morning.  I need to save up all my sub time.

I'm grateful it was approved because moving forward is moving, even if it is slow.  I'm grateful Adam and Mark pick me up and put me back together.  I'm grateful I'm surviving one day at a time.

Besides all of that, 3rd graders crack me up.

Here are some things that happened:

In a story we read, someone was playing the cello.  I wrote cello down on our graphic organizer and they all told me I'd spelled it wrong.

I kept telling them I hadn't and they weren't having it.  It has to be spelled CH, they said.

I had to google it and show them.

There is one little guy who isn't quite on top of things.  He very often gets the wrong computer.  He can't log in.  He can't find the page we're on.  During phonics, I was having them write words.  For example, they wrote a list of -an words and -og words.  I wrote the words on the board that they told me.  Very basic stuff, not 3rd grade level, but we'll work up to it.

With all the angst of someone who thought his teacher was crazy, he said, "That isn't a word.  None of these are words!"

I promised they were.  (They were words like can and tan and frog and log.)

He didn't believe me.

Friends, my work is cut out for me.

I have a very live wire sort of boy who moved here from Columbia last year.  His English is wobbly and his behavior is even wobblier, but he is so cute and charming and I already love him.  

We were doing math and he said, "Wait, is this minus or subtract?"

It kind of stopped me in my tracks.  My brain stuttered.  I finally said, "It is both.  They are the same."

He drew a slash on his white board.  "This?" he demanded.

"Yes," I said.

I admire him so much.  Working hard (and working hard at causing havoc--he is rarely in his seat) in a language that is new to him, but learning so fast.

If they spell the word responsible they will get popsicles.  They earn a letter if they transition quickly or come to the kiva in ways that are civilized and I erase a letter if they don't.

It's been pretty hard fought, but they are close.

My little Columbian friend was really encouraging everyone yesterday and saying, "C'mon!  We want to get popsicles!"

Then he said, "Miss?  What is popsicles?

I tried to explain and he was mystified.  I googled it and showed him a picture.  He said, "Ohhhhh!"  Then he spoke rapid fire Spanish to no one in particular.  

I would like to know how anyone was a teacher before google.

Journeying

 On Sunday my mom told me about Marianne's Relief Society lesson and I've been thinking about it ever since.

Here's what Nephi said in 1 Nephi 17: 

And so great were the blessings of the Lord upon us, that while we did live upon raw meat in the wilderness, our women did give plenty of suck for their children, and were strong, yea, even like unto the men; and they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings. 

Laman and Lemuel had had the same experience and this what they said: 

... we have wandered in the wilderness for these many years; and our women have toiled, being big with child; and they have borne children in the wilderness and suffered all things, save it were death; and it would have been better that they had died before they came out of Jerusalem than to have suffered these afflictions. 

I have thinking about how I can be more Nephi and less Laman and Lemuel.

Here are my blessings from yesterday:

My classroom was pleasantly in the mid 70s all day.

A student brought me a peach that had been "picked yesterday."  It was SO good.  I got peach juice all over myself, but it was amazing.

Even though I didn't sleep super well (anxious about the PET scan--lack thereof), I had energy to survive the day.

Even though the internet was down and all the teachers were walking around before school with crazy eyes, we pulled together and figured out stuff to do sans internet.

And the internet came back by lunchtime.

I walked with Kim, which was so nice.  It's been over a month.  

Rod got home when we were chatting in their driveway so I talked to both of them for a few minutes.  We have such good neighbors.

Adam came home and made an amazing dinner.

Weekend

 Friday at school was kind of awful.  I felt very tired and just run down.  At one point my students across the room were talking and I knew that I needed to get up and walk over there and do something about it and I just didn't have it in me.

I called my dad for his birthday and he told me that Tabor had set up the desks in Katie's classroom to accommodate her wheelchair.

I told him I thought a wheelchair sounded pretty good.

I called my doctor's office after my dad and found out that my PET scan had been denied once again.  I decided I don't have the emotional energy to be mad about it, so I'm trying not to be mad.

I missed Adam and felt discouraged and vulnerable.  

That carried me into Saturday.  I had planned to go to the temple, but I thought, I will just cry.  Nevertheless, I still wanted to go.  I considered that temple workers I know are very kind people and they wouldn't mind.

Later in the afternoon, Emma texted me and asked me how I was doing.

I texted her that my tag had been sticking out of my temple dress and someone fixed it and then another lady told me my slip was wonky and then another lady told me my dress was tucked into my sock.  Then I saw Jamie, who was working in initiatory and she hugged me and I started crying.

I texted Emma that I was sorry.  Maybe it was like when someone asks me about the weather and I start talking about high pressure systems.  Maybe I should just say fine.

Emma texted back that that was the level of detail she wanted.

She's the level of daughter I want.

Besides being the hottest mess at the Mt. Timpanogos temple on a Saturday, I'm glad I went to the temple.  I exchanged feeling lonely and discouraged and vulnerable for reassured and loved and empowered.

Not a bad trade.

Instead of feeling vulnerable that my fate is in the hands of the deciders at United Healthcare, I can feel safe because my fate is in God's hands.

I napped and Mark and I went grocery shopping and he did the laundry and I folded it.  I got ready for primary.  

Adam woke me up and hugged me and kissed me when he got home late on Saturday night.  Then he said, "Go back to sleep." And I did.

I'm glad he's home!

I feel weird at church, because a few people know I have cancer and a few people suspect "something is wrong with Thelma" because I canceled YEN and have bowed out of a few things.  It's not that I am super secretive (hello blog) but it is awkward to tell people and manage their reactions.  Especially because I cry.  (So I'm not really managing my own reaction too well either.)

I decided to tell Cortney because she is my "boss" in my primary chorister job and also my friend.

I told her I have cancer.  She said, "NO!" and threw her arms around me and held me tight.  The executive secretary came in the primary room to talk to her about doing her child and youth protection training and she didn't let go of me, but held out her hand to him and said, "I can't right now."

He backed away like she was a lioness and he didn't want to get swallowed.

Cortney let me go and said, "Tell me."

I don't know.  It felt like the reaction I needed right then.  Sometimes you just need someone to hug you and not let go.  Sometimes you need a lioness.