First day of school

 Here's how my classroom looked on August 7 when I first walked in:

This is how it looked yesterday morning when school was about to start:

I think yesterday was maybe one of the hardest days of school I have ever had.  I felt just really truly awful.  My hip/incision hurt and I just felt dizzy and nauseous and tired.

And the first day takes so much extra energy that it is nothing short of a miracle that I made it.

So many people are praying for me--and I'm praying for myself--and I know that I am being helped each day.

Matt and Riley brought in two swamp coolers which helped me survive the really hot day and my really shoddy air conditioning.

My students are adorable and pretty well behaved.  There are some chatty kids among them, but we'll work on it.

Maren was in my classroom after school and we were getting all prepared for her to take my class today while I had my PET scan.

The doctor's office called to say that since they hadn't been able to receive authorization yet from my insurance, I needed to reschedule.

So I needed to re-figure out today and what I'm going to have Maren do on Monday.  Also, the appointment is later on Monday so I'll have to miss more school.

My best just has to be enough right now.

I told Adam that maybe someday I'll look back on this time and say, "Wow.  That was amazing. What a crazy time that was."

I took a nap on the couch straightaway when I got home.  I ate dinner and went to bed.  After a solid 9+ hours of sleep, I feel way better than I did.

One day at a time.

(If I write that a lot it is because I remind myself of that 12 million times a day.)

Floating along

 Yesterday I got thoroughly drugged up for my biopsy.  It wasn't general anesthesia so I could still breathe on my own, but I was out of it!

I felt it a bit, but not too much.  I don't remember going back to Adam, but there I was.  

I was lying there for a while and then I encouraged him to switch with Mark, who was ready to switch.

It is a really big work week for Adam.  Poor guy.  He has major things happening in his life besides me.  Mark came and they released me.  

I felt very woozy.  I tried to do a little school work on my computer.  I moved my book over by me so I could read, but I mostly half slept, half didn't.  

I hate that feeling.

My incision started to hurt and I remembered that they had given me a paper at the hospital about taking care of myself.  I remembered that there had been complicated instructions about taking Tylenol, but I didn't remember what they were.  I was too tired to go get the paper and I considered texting Mark and having him bring me the paper, but I decided in the end to just take two Tylenol and figure out the complicated instructions later.

I had a hair appointment that I didn't want to miss so Mark drove me to it.  Before we left, I looked at the paper to see the instructions.  It made me laugh.

They were not complicated at all.  They are what is on every bottle of Tylenol.  

This is why we don't do drugs, kids.

I got my hair chopped because my classroom is hot and I was tired of my hair.  

Another day in the books, I tried to sleep, but I think last night could be in my personal hall of fame of worst nights.  I had bad dreams about my bones cracking and dreams about being left behind.  I was stressed about feeling ill prepared for school and stressed about not feeling up to school and stressed about not sleeping because what is my actual problem when the thing I most need is sleep?!?

Ugh.

Looking at my photo of my discharge paper, I wonder if the first day of school requires important choices, alertness or balance....

I won't sign any legal papers.

I did it

 One day down.

Yesterday was back to school night.  We had professional development meetings all day.  Somewhere during the day, the hospital called me about my bone marrow biopsy (which is today).  I thought I would just get it done then head to work to continue getting ready for the first day.  I thought wrong.

They told me that I needed to fast because I would be sedated (not general anesthesia, but something).  I need to stay for two hours for observation and then have someone drive me home.

I said, "So I thought I would go to work after...."

She said, "Oh, no.  You can't.  You can go to work the next day."

My mind started spinning and went into superdrive.  I had stepped out of the meeting to take the call and when I was walking back, I saw Matt.  I told him and he said, "OK.  No problem.  I'm not worried about that."

I said, "I am."

He said, "I don't mean I'm not worried about your health.  I'm not worried about you being gone tomorrow."

That was what I was talking about too.

I went and grabbed stuff from my room to work on during the meeting and I majorly triaged what needed to be accomplished and what didn't.

Let's just say nothing is very cutesy.

But I don't really like cutesy anyway.

My team offered to help, but I know how busy they are.  They shared a project for the first day that I handed off to Jamie to prep for me.  (Which she did with lightning speed.). 

They all said to text them if I thought of something today I needed them to do.

I can't imagine doing this without the wonderful people I work with.

It was 83 degrees in my classroom by the time we wrapped up back to school night.  I felt awful.  I was dizzy and weak and...hot.  

Right before it started, I prayed and just asked for all the help I could get to make it through the night.  I needed energy and I didn't have any.

My prayer was answered.  

One day at a time.

I met my students and their parents and they are adorable.  I especially loved seeing the little brothers and little sisters of former students who are now in my class.  I have the third brother in one family and they are maybe the best family in the world.  I loved having the first two boys as students.  They are incredibly kind and loving to each other.  They work hard and are just good.  Their parents don't speak English.  Having the oldest son translate, the mother told me her concerns about the current student and asked me to please send home anything she could do to help him at home.  She looked at me so hopefully that I just wanted to hug her.

I will do my best!

I will try so hard!

When it was over and I finally got to my car, I called Adam and burst into tears.  Because I want to try my best, but what if my best is kind of lame?  What if I can't give everything I want to these sweet children?

Adam was on his way to meet with someone in his bishop capacity, but I went home to Mark.  He hugged me and we chatted.  He told me all the same things Adam had about how my best was good enough.  He said, "You work really hard and can accomplish a lot.  Sometimes you will be tired though and that is because your body needs you to rest.  So you can't just power through."

I said, "But that puts a burden on you and your dad."

He said, "Should I apologize for having diabetes?  Or celiac? Because that puts a burden on you."

That kid!

I had no idea when he moved back home how much I would need him.  He knows what to say and gives really good hugs too.

I slept for 10 hours and I guess today will be a resting sort of day as well.  I will keep praying and keep trusting that I can make it through these days.  One at a time. 

I know how much I have to be grateful for.  Besides all the love and support from near and far, I had a red pen leak yesterday and I had red ink all over both hands and my chin (Miriam told me) but it did not get on the white blouse I was wearing.

Miracle.

Weekend

 Saturday morning, I had the thought that I should talk to Marie Louise.  She is my dear friend and she has been through things.  Also, she is British and has a zero nonsense keep calm and carry on approach to life.

She uses the phrase "get on with it" often.

Saturday afternoon she texted me about family history.  I started texting her back, but decided to call instead.

I said, "I was going to text you, but it was too long of a text, so I decided to call."

She said, "Well I'm driving so I can listen."

I started telling her about everything and before I knew it, she was in my driveway and then on my doorstep.  

We were still on the phone.

She hugged me and said, "This is not a club I want you to be a member of."

I agreed.

We sat down next to each other on the couch and she listened.  I knew that she had cancer, years ago, and I guess I assumed it was breast cancer or I just made that up, but she had lymphoma.  She told me, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.  It was rough."

I would be surprised if Marie Louise sugar coated anything.

And here she is, on the other side.

I still don't know what I have or what the prognosis or treatment or anything are.  (There is a word for it:  scanxiety.  I think it is a perfect word.)  So her experience may be totally irrelevant to mine, but I still felt comforted by her.  She is an angel and I'm so grateful she is my friend.

I reminded her of when her husband was having serious health problems and she called me and said, "I'm telling you this because you're my friend.  I don't want a signup going around Relief Society."

Before she left, I reminded Marie Louise of that conversation and I said, "This is the same as that."

She said, "Well, that goes without saying."

She came over Sunday afternoon to work on family history.  When she was leaving she asked, "Can Adam drive you to your appointments?"

I said yes.

She said, "OK.  Because if it turns out he can't, I don't want you to 'be strong'.  Call me."

I feel so fortunate.  I mean, cancer, but I have so many people who love me and are praying for me that I feel fortunate.  

Mark's friend Marek is a regular visitor around here.  On Saturday, he asked me how I was doing and I went ahead and told him.  I figured Mark would tell him anyway and he is over often enough, he should know.

His eyes got big and he said, "Whoa.  I wasn't expecting that."

"Sorry," I said.  "You were probably just wanting me to say fine."

Then I told him that it showed how I felt about him that I wanted him to know.  I said, "You're like part of the family."

He said, "Well, thank you."

This morning I woke up to a text from Mark letting me know that Marek had asked his parents to put my name on the prayer roll at the temple.

I am really trying to get through one day at a time and not spin my wheels with worry and what ifs.  I am not good at it.  It's kind of like learning a new instrument, I guess.  There will be some sour notes.

All this love and support is helping though.  The prayers matter.

***

Today is back to school night and I will meet my students.  I feel nervous about managing school, but I will apply my one day at a time strategy to it too.  I will do my best.  I am excited to meet my students.  I have learned from the special ed teacher that a few of them are fighters.  Mark told me I should just have them sit together and fight all day.

I probably won't do that....

One step enough for me

I don't necessarily want to write this post because I don't want this reality, but at the same time, I want to keep a record of my life and also writing for me is processing.

In late June--after we returned from our trip--I had a physical like a good girl.  I had elevated white blood cells and more tests and appointments followed.  I spent a lot of time freaking out and stress googling and  it got me exactly nowhere.

I had an appointment this past week and learned that I do indeed have cancer.  It isn't clear which kind.  I have a bone marrow biopsy and a PET scan next week.  I am dreading both, but will be grateful to have answers. So I am grateful that I have them scheduled.  

I am stressed about a lot of things.  For one thing, I am a planner.  It's my whole personality.  This process of waiting and do I/don't I have cancer was excruciating and still is while I wait to know what I have/what the treatment is.  I have a really good imagination and it is really good at going to worse case scenarios.

I am worried about the school year.  This is pretty terrible timing.  (My PET scan is on the second day of school--not ideal.)  Also, I don't feel well and have a lot of fatigue.  Guess what takes A LOT of energy?  Teaching 3rd grade.

Like Matt said though, "Is there a good time for cancer?"

I said, "Well, not the first week of school."

So that's all a lot.  

But I also have so much to be grateful for.  I have a safe and pleasant home (in a pleasant grove no less) and I have health insurance and a doctor that I like.

Those things alone are absolute luxuries and I know this.

Even more important to me is my extensive network of people who are supporting me and loving me and praying for me.  

I mean, I have an adorable six year-old nephew praying for me.  What a blessing!

Adam is beyond words in the support department.  I don't know how I got so lucky.  Our children are loving and helpful.  Adam and Emma and Mark went with me to my classroom and worked for several hours.  I am grateful for my larger family and all their encouragement and love and prayers.  

My sisters have both offered to drop everything and come to my side.  I like the birth order.  I'm nestled between these two pillars who hold me up, one on each side.

Friday at work I repeatedly lied through my teeth when people asked me how my summer was.  (I guess it was only a half lie, the beginning was good...)  I told some of the people (principal, vice principal, my friends) and I think I maybe cried to all of them.  

Good news, everyone has Kleenex. And since I had texted Jamie the night before, she told me she purposely wore waterproof mascara.

First thing Friday morning, my friend Maren came in my room and told me that she is working on a master's degree and needs a classroom to student teach in (she's the ESL coach).  She asked if she could use my class.

It felt like a tender mercy.  I told her what was happening with me (tears, hugs, Kleenex) and I told her that having her helping me would be amazing.  What a gift.

It reminded me of the widow in the Bible who fed Elijah and never ran out of meal and oil.  

Having Maren help me in my classroom may be just enough to get me through.  I also asked Maren to take my class for part of the second day of school when I'm gone. 

It would be as big of lie as the one I told (over and over) that I had a "great" summer, if I said that I am able to remember gratefully all the blessings I have all of the time.

I falter.  I shrink.  I cry.  

I am scared.

Adam told me that if he was going to devise a torture contraption for me, it would be the past several weeks.  Uncertainty and nothing to do about it.  

Even so, I have faith.  I know that I have been helped in my life and that I have no reason to believe that I won't continue to be helped.

I know in whom I have trusted.

Lead, kindly Light, amid th'encircling gloom;

Lead though me on

The night is dark, and I am far from home;

Lead thou me on!

Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see

The distant scene--one step enough for me.

John Henry Newman 

Austin

Another picture from our hotel in San Antonio.  I loved that place!

 Yesterday we went to the Alamo again and were mostly really confused about their system.  We went to go inside the church and the guy said we needed to go get a ticket.  So we walked across the way and requested 2 tickets (they were free) and he printed out a receipt and we walked back over to the first guy.  It felt bizarre.  If the point is to control the number who enter, can't you just get one of those little counters to click?  We understand the gist, but also don't feel like we have a solid grasp on what exactly happened there, but it was broiling hot and we didn't stick around to read everything.

We ate at a restaurant on the riverwalk that made table side guacamole.  It was so good!  

We headed back to Austin, stopping at a Buc-ee's.  I bought a Halloween shirt.  I have more teacher/holiday themed shirts than I should, but it was irresistible especially with the "put a spell on me" which reminded me of the theme song of the podcast The Shrink Next Door. Mark and I listened to that podcast the summer he was diagnosed with diabetes and it got us to and from a lot of doctor appointments.

A woman on Adam's team, Liz, lives in Austin.  We went to dinner and hung out with her a little bit in Fort Worth last year.  She met up with us for dinner at Terry Black's BBQ.  I had a few bites of meat, but mostly sides.  We really like Liz and it was fun to have dinner together.

Our final stop of the evening was the bridge on Congress Avenue where bats fly out at dusk.  I tried to take a video of it, but it failed to really capture it.  I kind of like it when that happens.  You had to be there.

We are staying at a Sonder apartment in Austin.  It is nice and roomy and will be a good place for me to hang out while Adam is working all day.  Still working my way through back to school online training.  

San Antonio Stroll

Yesterday Adam and I flew from Provo to Dallas.  Dallas wasn't our exact destination, but we could fly from Provo!  It feels worth it to drive a little on the other side.

Us in the Provo airport.

We rented a car and stopped at two Buccee's and were going to stop in Waco and go to The Silos again, but chose to press on.  

Adam and I decided what we could compare Buccee's to.

Buccee's has a:

• Country/Christian/home decor section like Cracker Barrel
• Hunting/outdoor apparel like Cabella's
• Licensed merch like the Disney store
• Their own brand of food/snacks like Trader Joe's
• Brisket and pulled pork and sides/desserts like a BBQ restaurant
• Big like Costco
• Good snacks and drinks like Maverik
• A lot of bathroom stalls like a big airport
• More gas pumps than anywhere else

(We had time to draw all the comparisons.)

We ended up in San Antonio.  Adam used an upgrade (a perk of all the traveling that guy does) and we landed in a posh room that is about twice the size of our apartment 30 years ago.  We were splashing out for the big 30th anniversary!

This was the beautiful lobby:

The hotel room has a living room, dining room, bedroom, and 1 1/2 bathrooms!

Adam took some phone calls and I did some of my online yearly training (protecting student data and blood borne pathogens--ask me anything!).  

We were a couple of blocks from the Alamo.  Adam sent this to our kids:

I thought how disorienting it would be for Davy Crockett and Jim Bowie if they knew there was a Ripley's Believe it or Not, a wax museum and the neon signs of a Mirror Maze across the street from the Alamo.  

People are weird.

We went to the river walk and it was so lovely!  People are also pretty awesome to build something like that.

After that, we went to a Mediterranean restaurant and had dinner with one of Adam's employees and his wife.  They had chosen the restaurant and it was such a good choice!  We loved it.  Where have barberries been all my life?!? We spent a few hours visiting with them and even took the conversation over dessert at a nearby baklava place.

Today we have more meetings for Adam and back to school online training (yay....) for me as well as more exploring in San Antonio.  We'll head back to Austin tonight.

I feel very fortunate to have this time with Adam.  I feel very fortunate to be married to him.  What a blessing eternity is.