Grateful Friday

 We have had such a nice time!  Wednesday we spent lots of time just being together.  I decided to take advantage of helpers and get a jump on Christmas. QE was thrilled at the prospect of decorating the tree.  Mark and Braeden hauled boxes and Adam and Mark set up the tree and Mark went up on the ladder and did the high stuff on the shelf before the tree was placed.

Basically we can't have Christmas without Mark.

Adam cooked all the meals and said, "Go sit down," if I ventured into the kitchen.

Basically we wouldn't have anything without Adam.

I loved the very concentrated band of ornaments just at QE's level.

Also, she saw this Coke Zero ornament that I think Geri gave Adam once upon a time.  She pretended to take a swig from it and said, "I'm a man!"

For context, Braeden drinks soda and Anna never does.  I guess it feels masculine to QE.  She is a constant delight.

Everyone except Emma and QE and I went to the grocery story for last minute supplies and I loved watching my two best girls play together.  QE had a stethoscope and was being very dramatic and making Emma giggle.  I thought, this is something I always want to remember, just the sheer delight of them being together.

Later, while everyone else was doing other things, (Adam, cooking), QE and I finished decorating the tree.  This time I thought, I will always remember this.  I think it is a new core memory.  I loved it so much.  She chatted about placement and asked me questions about where the ornaments were from.

I showed QE some Rudolph figurines I have and she was enamored with them, but didn't know the story.  When I was telling her the story, I couldn't remember the name of the doe who was Rudolph's girlfriend.  I said, "Faline?  Or is that from Bambi?"

Braeden said, "I think it's Clarice"

I said, "Oh, that's right."

QE was hanging on every word.

We decided to watch the movie.  She snuggled into my side which I loved.  She refused to accept that Clarice was not Faline, however.

For the rest of the evening, she kept asking us the deer's name.  We would say Clarice and she would say, "No, it's Faline."

Braeden told her to stop asking if she didn't want the answer.  I admired her commitment.  If you ask me, she really can do no wrong.

In the evening we had Pikkujoulu.  Adam made clam chowder and Trader Joe's made the treats.  Emma and Mark sang and Braeden read stories.  Adam did his scripture reading.

We had one more night with everyone under one roof and that is about the coziest feeling there is.

Yesterday morning Adam and I drove our guests to Anna's parents' house.  We had a brief and nice visit with them and then went to Emma's apartment, because she forgot her mashed potatoes shirt!

In anticipation of Thanksgiving, I asked everyone what their most important dish was.  I was looking at shirts for Christmas gifts on Life is Good and I saw they had Thanksgiving shirts with what everyone had requested.  (Adam's pick was based on the shirt.)

Before we ate, we took pictures of everyone with their favorite dish:

I would like the record to show that Adam got that out of the cupboard for the picture and we had a different gravy boat for our actual gravy.

After we ate, we listened to "Dave Cook's the Turkey" then I took a glorious nap.  Later we played bank and ate pie and leftovers.  We watched The Great Escaper which was on PBS.  It was excellent.

We have much to be grateful for.  I loved being together.  I loved the delicious food.  I loved showing the Christmas bears to QE and remembering all the goodness of our shared lives.  

When I consider how much I love being together, I feel even more grateful for temple covenants that bind us.  I am grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I am grateful for the ways that God's love and the Atonement of Jesus Christ bless my life.

I know that all the people who are so very kind to me, are reflecting the light of Jesus Christ.  They want to be more like Him and I am the lucky recipient of such goodness.

Today, the tree is mingling with autumnal decorations and I am ready to paint the entire town (house, and not paint, but you get the idea) red.

Data points

 When I fainted at the hospital, Anna said it was a data point.  It's a really kind way to frame it.  Figure yourself out is what I need, but also data points.

Yesterday was another data point.

I dragged (and I mean dragged) myself to school.  I tried to process what had happened and what needed to happen in my classroom.  My brain was muddy.  Maren asked me what I was doing for writing.  After a few moments it finally came to me.  I had a plan.  Yes, a plan. What was my plan....

She said, "How about I teach writing?"  She'd already offered to do literacy.  She said, "Let me help you."

I got through the morning.  It was rough.  Melva came in to work in my classroom because I literally have an army of people holding up my arms.  Later, I was eating lunch in my classroom when the room started swimming.

I felt like I was going to faint.

I lay down on the floor, right under my desk.  Once the world seemed less daunting, I got up and did the smartest thing I could think of.  I texted Mark to come and get me.

Miriam came in to ask me how we were scoring the math test and I tried to explain the principles of standards based grading that led my thinking on how to score the test, but I finally gave up.  I asked her to go find Maren.

I told Maren that I was coming into my classroom with my kids over the weekend so not to worry about how it looked at the end of the day.

She said, "Well, it will be clean."

I feel like crying just thinking about how kind people are to me!

I saw Jeff in the hall and said (as if the fact I was carrying my coat and bag didn't make it obvious) that I was leaving.  I told him I almost fainted and Maren was taking my class.

He said, "I don't want you driving...."

I told him my son was coming.  Once we were driving home, Mark brought up  It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World.  My boys are often the embodiment of Sylvester, coming for their mama.

Braeden and Anna and QE were at our house by the time we got there.  I was happy to see them.  I lay on the bed in QE's room while she played.  When Adam got home, she giggled and pranced around the room from the sheer joy of Papa.  It made me happy, but not as happy as it made Adam.

Later, they all went to the park and I took a 45 minute nap.  I downed my electrolytes and felt human again by evening.

Kim texted that they had some pumpkin cheesecake to drop off.  She had two plates, one regular and one gluten free.  We have the nicest neighbors in the universe (I'm sorry to everyone that doesn't live in our cul-de-sac).  The fact that people bring us gluten free stuff (when it seriously is a pain) makes me feel loved and seen.

Melva dropped off a Christmas dishtowel and poem from the RS.  I thanked her again for coming to my classroom.  She said, "For the first time today, you looked like you didn't feel well.  Usually you hide it really well, but I could tell today."

She was not wrong.

So data points:  I am lacking in words to express my gratitude for the kindness of literally everyone who I came in contact with yesterday.  On my roughest days, people just show up for me.

Also, I think I'm going to start staying home the Tuesday after chemo.  It wasn't actually that comfortable (or hygienic) on the floor under my desk at school.

I'm OK

 This has been rough.  I have felt more sick this time around for sure.  More fatigued, more nauseous.  Discouraging, but it shouldn't be because it was predicted.

I didn't want to, because it hurts to use my port, but I went in yesterday to get more fluids through IV.  I thought it would help me and I needed help.

The nurses there are the epitome of kind and efficient.  They just sweep through the motions of everything, gently and swiftly taking care of business.

I think the IV helped.

When I was driving home, I saw a young woman on an electric scooter.  She was wearing a black hoodie.  On the back it said, "I'm BROKEN" but the OK was highlighted, so what I saw was "I'm OK."

I thought it covered how I felt.

I have a bruise on my chest from needles jabbing into my port.  I feel tired and sick and out of sorts.  I have a school day ahead with energetic children whose energy will not match my own.

At the same time, I had people checking in with me yesterday.  A parent of a student, my sub, Olivia, Maren.  They all wanted to know how I was.  Marie Louise texted and wants to bring me dinner.

Maren wondered if she could teach my literacy lesson today.

I picked up the mail and I had a card from my cousin Leslie.

She is thinking of me and praying for me.

The brokenness I feel from time to time is humbling and hard.

The OK always wins though.  I can't stay in my broken state with so much love from people.

I can't stay broken when Adam and Mark do all the heavy lifting around here.

I can't stay broken when people are praying for me.

I can't stay broken when I consider that Jesus Christ, who descended below all, understands how I feel (little old me!) and loves me.

Yes, I'm very much OK.

Weekend

 ✓ chemo on Thursday

✓ chemo on Friday

I am now 1/3 of the way done with chemo!  

Having Olivia there with me was wonderful.  She stayed with us which was also wonderful.  She was 100% an easy keeper + she brought me 12 wrapped gifts for a twelve days of Christmas.

I was at the cancer center for 8 1/2 hours again on Thursday.  I didn't have any big reactions, but they kept it at about half speed.  The nurse reassured me over and over that having reactions again would be "extremely rare" but he also had me move to the section of the room where the chairs are close to the nurse station "just in case."  Mixed message....

We met with the doctor and they hooked me up and we chatted in the morning and then Mark brought us lunch (sandwiches from Jimmy Johns).  In the afternoon we moved to the table on the other side of the room and played Skip Bo (which my mom had bought for the occasion).  One Christmas break when we were in college we played Skip Bo a lot.  And Olivia tried to cheat a lot.

We couldn't remember exactly how to play and we didn't want to read the instructions so we kept glancing at them and handing them back and forth.  We needed Marianne or Adam there.  I think oldest kids are the instruction readers.  Just tell me how to play.

I think we finally figured it out and Olivia did try to cheat, but I stopped her.  We laughed a whole lot and hopefully didn't disturb anyone.  I also told her about the plot to Hot Frosty which Emma and I watched on Netflix last year and we cackled and cried from laughing so much.  Emma and I need to find a new so-bad-it's-good Christmas movie this year.  I wish Olivia could join us.

My friend Misty brought us delicious beef stew for dinner and then we played Qwixx.  I went to bed, but before I did, I ordered Qwixx for Olivia from Amazon and it was on the porch in the morning.  I am a Qwixx evangelist!

I was really tired and also awake for a few hours in the wee hours.  Gotta love the combination of steroids that keep you awake and anti nausea that makes you sleepy!

We stopped by the Lindon temple on the way to chemo.

It is so lovely.

Once I was hooked up, Olivia and I were both on our laptops doing Christmas shopping.  I had Old Navy Super Cash and I didn't need anything so I placed an order for her, delivered to her house and hopefully not to QE accidentally because I have done that several times (she's the main Old Navy person I buy for and sometimes I send her some pants for Mark....)

We also took advantage of some Lands End sales.  The time flew by.  Mark came and I can only have two visitors at a time, so Adam went to sit in the van and work.  He had his phone and computer out and I guess left his backpack on top of his car.

We went to lunch and the backpack flew off his car on North County Blvd.  He didn't realize.

After a lovely lunch at First Watch, we said good-bye to Olivia and Adam and I drove back to the cancer center to see if he'd left his backpack there.  He hadn't.  He had an air tag inside and this could be an ad for air tags, because it let him know that his backpack was on North County Blvd.  It is a very busy road!

His backpack was found as well as the contents scattered about.  Luckily his laptop and phone weren't inside.  He had a pair of sunglasses and a pair of reading glasses that were absolutely shattered.  He had mints and Werther's caramels that he uses as cough drops.  Both were obliterated.  The air tag seemed broken, but he could put it back together.

  The air tag is the hero of the story and there it is, in pieces.

His wallet took a beating too....

I spent the rest of the afternoon resting.  I was napping when Ami and Molly brought me dinner.  Also gifts.  They are so good to me.  They brought the happiest water bottle with pink and red smiley faces all over it.  I told Mark, "When the right person knows your favorite color, it is magic."  They also brought me some socks with books all over them.

I went to bed early, but sleep was a little elusive again.

Saturday was a whole lot more sitting around.  Adam and Mark went on a big grocery shopping trip to get everything for when Braeden and Anna and QE are here this week as well as Thanksgiving.  Adam was going to go to the hospital to visit a man in our ward who just had a kidney transplant.  He asked if I wanted to go with him and it seemed doable.  I just needed to sit in the car and sit at the hospital and he said that he would get a wheelchair so I wouldn't even have to walk in the hall at the hospital.

It all went to plan.  There were three other people from our ward visiting and I talked with everyone and felt fine.  Then, all of the sudden, I didn't feel fine.  I felt like I was going to faint.  I told Adam and we said our good-byes and he wheeled me into the hall.  The next thing I knew, there were about six nurses swarmed around me taking my pulse and putting an oxygen monitor on me and taking my blood pressure and Adam was telling me to breathe.  There were some EMTs there with a gurney and I thought they just happened along but Adam told me later that they were there for me.

I was so out of it! 

Adam explained later that when we left the room, I slumped over and he kept me from falling out of the wheelchair and alerted a nurse for help.  It all felt surreal and I was embarrassed that I was out in the world if I couldn't handle it any better than that.

They kept asking me if I wanted to go to the ER and I didn't know, but Adam said yes.  He wanted to get me some fluids.  So we went.  One of the nurses took command of the chair and we went a back way and bypassed the waiting room and got right in.  They hooked me up to lots of monitors and took some blood and gave me a liter of IV fluid.  I had an EKG, which felt a little like overkill, but I wasn't really in a state to argue.

Finally after a few hours, the doctor returned and said that my bloodwork showed that I was very anemic and compared to the bloodwork the hospital had in their records from August (when I had my bone marrow biopsy I guess?), it was not going well.  She wondered if I had internal bleeding.  I asked if it could be related to my lymphoma or chemo and she didn't seem to think so.  I pulled up my records on my phone from my cancer doctor and she saw that my hematocrit and hemoglobin have been a hot mess for a while so that made her feel a little better.

She asked if I had a wheelchair at home. (No.) She asked if I had stairs. (Yes.)  She was mulling whether to let me leave without a blood transfusion and Adam said, "Our son does the laundry.  She doesn't need to go up and down the stairs."

How desperate were we to get out of the hospital that we thought our son doing the laundry would tip the scales?!?  It cracked me up later when I thought about it.

She finally said I could go if I could prove that I was ambulatory.  They unhooked me from everything, but kept everything attached to me in case I didn't pass the test I guess.  I had to walk up and down the hall and I tried to look as ambulatory as possible.

I passed and we went home.  I told Adam I felt really dumb about all of it.  He said that maybe it was a tender mercy that we were together and in a hospital because if it had happened at home, I could have fallen and hit my head.  Also, I do think the fluids were what I needed.  They revived me quite a bit.  

Sunday I stayed home.  I watched church using the link Adam sent me and tried to do family history, but didn't have much success.  I am definitely more sick this time around.  Emma came over and we played Skip Bo and ate soup and generally enjoyed our time together.

I slept 11 hours last night.

I hope I am up for school tomorrow.

Grateful Wednesday

I'm taking time off from my blog in honor(?) of chemo.

So today's grateful Wednesday.

I'm grateful that there is snow on the mountain.  It will never not feel like money in the bank when there is snow on the mountain.

I'm grateful Olivia is coming to do chemo with me.  

I'm grateful that I have a really good sub.  She is spectacular and the whole school knows it.

I'm grateful for the kind people at my doctor's office.  Marie Louise told me that cancer doctors and nurses are extra nice and I think that is true.

I'm grateful for all the things I have to entertain myself when I am down and out.  Good books, cross-stitch, coloring books, podcasts, Netflix.  It's a good time to be alive.

I'm grateful that while chemo isn't anyone's idea of a good time, it will be a blessed relief from certain unnamed students who exhaust me.

I'm grateful for all the offers of help that I get.  A woman in our ward texted me yesterday wondering if she could come and clean my house.

I'm grateful that I don't need that kind of help.  We're doing OK and are not without our resources.  (Still grateful it is offered.)

I'm grateful for my team.  Miriam has been gone and I miss her.  Alissa came in my room after school and we validated each other about some of the crazy town.

It's the main thing we do.  That and remind each other of things. Every day one of us is saying something like, "Don't forget the assembly!"  The other two say, "What assembly?"  

"Don't forget the fire drill."

"Fire drill?"

Teams make things better.  

I'm grateful for my family.  Braeden sends a text about the Roman Empire and that just gives Emma permission to be witty and Mark to follow up with some cleverness of his own.

Those guys entertain me.

I'm doubly grateful for Mark and Adam.  They are endlessly kind to me and do so many things to help both physically and emotionally.

Like the Irving Berlin song states, "I've got plenty to be thankful for."

Teacher! Teacher! I have a joke

 Yesterday at recess, a boy in Miriam's class came up to me and told me a knock knock joke.  I'm pretty sure I have heard every knock knock joke third graders know.

Maybe being a third grade teacher is hearing the same jokes over and over and saying something like, "Ha!  That's a good one!" until you die.

Since it was recess duty and I had time on my hands, I considered the other third grade teacher things.

If they have markers, they will snap them together with the top of one attached to the bottom of another.  They will wave them and be disruptive and you finally have to take away the markers.

If it is "Read with a Cop," half of them won't be able to see the pictures because while the cop has lots of cop skills, he doesn't know how to hold a book so kids can see the pictures.  The other half will just openly talk and not listen and you will have to give meaningful looks to just get them to act a little bit civilized.

Also, they will ask the cop every time how old he is (48--seriously, every time) and if he's ever shot anyone (no).

Sometimes they will laugh and gasp at points during my read aloud which is endlessly gratifying and other times they will do things like sharpen a pencil or come up to ask me some random question during read aloud which is endlessly maddening.

They are the biggest tattle-tales in the world, which makes my job so much easier.  I know they will rat each other out.  Even their best friends.

They criticize my handwriting when I write on the board.  If my letters aren't perfectly formed, they act like it is unreadable.  Listen.  I can read your writing.  Apply yourself and I bet you can figure it out.

I try to care about someone cutting in line when they are lining up to come inside at the beginning of the day, but really?  I don't care.  It is the difference of 10 seconds if you're the end of the line or first of the line.  They lay their backpacks out to save their spots and then run and play and inevitably someone takes their spot even though their backpack was there.

And I don't care.

They also are so sweet.  At least once a week someone plunks a bottle of hand sanitizer or a container of wipes on my desk.  They smile shyly when I thank them and they say, "It's from my mom."

(For the record, I didn't ask anyone to bring hand sanitizer or wipes, but they keep coming.)

I know some of them pray for me every day.

I love when they say, "I don't get it," or "This doesn't make sense."  Because then I can help them.

I love when they remind each other, "Mistakes are proof that you are trying."

I love when they remind me of that.

I love that they want to tell me their jokes.

Weekend

 Weekends are long when Adam is gone.  Also, I'm glad I have Mark.  We were both kind of droopy on Friday so he went and got pizza and we united separately like the introverts that we are.

Saturday I had him help me prep the upstairs guest rooms for Thanksgiving week when Emma and QE will be our upstairs guests.  Those two rooms tend to be storage for primary stuff, Christmas gifts, stuff to take to DI, stuff to take to Nevada.  Mark helped me get it all sorted and we made beds.  (Luckily there is a bunkbed in QE's room so I recruited the top bunk for storage.  The basement guest room is going to wait for another day with renewed energy.

We went to Winco and planned our Christmas break.  We had an original plan, but then found out about when Marianne and Robert's farewell is and when Olivia's Holiday Brunch is and we were reworking our plan.  I think we came up with a winner.  Mark texted it all to Adam and I think we are all on board.

I spent a certain amount of time over the weekend worried about Braeden.  He had some health troubles, but is past the worst of it.  I felt very grateful for Anna.  When your children are far away, it is so nice to know that they are in good hands.

Emma was in Atlanta with Adam for WGU graduation (Emma volunteered to help) and had a good time.  I talked to them while they were on their way to meet Whitney and Kelly for dinner.

Besides that, I did a whole lot of nothing.  I read and cross-stitched and folded the laundry that Mark washed and dried.  I feel better generally, but I still get so tired.  Adam and Emma and Mark all told me, "Well, you have cancer."

I know that.  But I don't want that.  

(I know. Too bad, so sad.)

Sunday morning I felt super nauseous while trying to eat breakfast.  I ended up throwing it away because I couldn't finish.  At times like that I wonder, is this lymphoma?  Is it something else?

I sort of rallied and decided that I was OK to go to church.  It wasn't my turn to lead the singing, but I used bells for our new Christmas song and I wanted to bring the bells for when I will be gone because of chemo.  Also, to set the scene, I sit in the front row at church.  

During sacrament meeting, I started feeling SO sick.  If I hadn't been sitting in the front row + carrying bells, I would have left.  After the meeting, I took my bells to primary and dropped them off and went straight home.

Eventually I felt like some of my toddler food (applesauce).  The day was improved when Adam came home!  I was so happy to see that guy!  He brought me a shirt from Buc-ee's.  It is hard for him to go to the South without going to Buc-ee's and it is hard for him to go to Buc-ee's without buying me a shirt.

We played Monopoly Deal and Mexican Train with Mark (Emma didn't come since she also just got home from a trip).  Then we watched a show on PBS that Adam had been wanting for us to watch together.  I slept through it, but good news!  I finally felt like eating.  Adam and Mark were preparing dinner and I sat at the counter and said that I could chop the Brussels sprouts.  Adam handed me a knife and cutting board, but then took them back away and said, "Maybe when you're a little more awake."

So I was relegated to lining the sheet pan with parchment paper.

I felt slightly gloomy last night because of feeling sick and today being Monday and cold and I have recess duty.  Then I saw a text from Camille who used to live in our ward.  She texted me that their family prays for me every day and that she hoped I was doing well.  It was just the kindest thing.  It made me remember the people who stopped me in the hall (on my woozy way to the primary room to drop off the bells) to tell me they are praying for me.

There are hard days, but I am being helped.  Over and over and I need to keep remembering that.