Update (with side notes)

Yesterday:

I woke up with a headache.

(It lasted all day despite Tylenol, Advil. stretching, etc.  I think I'm structurally a bit of mess because of holding my arm in weird ways since my surgery.  And it's not like I was super strong to begin with.)

I got my pathology report emailed to me--not sure what it all means, but hopefully my doctor will. 

(I've managed to stay pretty calm.)  

Melva came and helped me in my classroom, which is so kind.

(She is making copies and laminating and it is helpful.)

My naughty student was naughty at lunch and spent the afternoon in the office.  

(It was sort of a restful afternoon if I'm being honest.)

I took a short walk with Kim. 

(First I checked Facebook and saw that the cougar situation had been "resolved.")

I talked to Braeden and Anna and Eleanor.  They had to go because their pancakes were ready.

(I suddenly wanted pancakes for dinner.)

As the evening went on, I got more and more sick with my headache.  I was nauseous and dizzy.  Mark got me my migraine medicine and some soda to sip.  I ate a few grapes for dinner.

(I no longer wanted pancakes.)

My head is still hurting.  I didn't sleep all that well.  I'm used to the whole headache/migraine/neck situation.  I think it is worse because of my surgery.

(It is also worse because I don't feel like I should take another day off school.)

More homework

 I met with my therapist last night.  I really like her.  

One of the things we talked about was my desire to come to a place of acceptance about my situation.  I think that the more accepting I am of my reality, the more peace I can feel.  In addition to--hey, peace is a good thing--I think that the more peace I feel, the more energy I can spend on healing and not on angst.

So I asked her (tongue in cheek) if there was a way to fast track acceptance.  She said, "You're not going to like my answer."

She said, "In order to heal, you need to feel.  And there's no timeline."

I said, "You're right, I don't like that answer."

She said that I need to be real on my blog.  She gave me homework to watch Inside Out and Inside Out 2.

Honestly, I like her homework.

So here's me being real:

Sunday was kind of awful.  I felt sick.  I felt like I let people down, not just at school, but at church (primary chorister--it was the primary program and I didn't go to church) and also my family.

I feel like a shell of myself.  I feel like I'm not me.  I'm used to being capable and organized and on top of things.

I'm not used to floundering and feeling limited and getting help with everything.  And I don't like it.

Also, I had a big heart to heart with Adam on Sunday night.  I told him that I want to have more faith and I want to be more optimistic, but it is hard to maintain.  He is going out of town this week for an extra long trip and that makes me feel extra anxious.  And I'm also trying to come up with the worst case scenario that I'll find out on Thursday when I get (hopefully) my treatment plan. 

Adam asked, "Why are you doing that?!?"

I said, "I don't know...It's what I do."

He said, "What is one time that has ever served you?"

I couldn't come up with one.

He talked to me about my feelings, my fears, my illness, they are all OK and they will come and go, but faith is a principle of action.  I need to choose to have faith and then act on that faith.

It resonated with me.

Of course it is something that I've learned all my life, but sometimes things just stick when you need them to stick.

For not the first time, I felt the rallying of my pioneer ancestors.  They had faith to put one foot in front of the other.  They didn't know what awaited them (Sagebrush.  Sagebrush awaited them.) but they went anyway.  They kept going.

I went to school yesterday and I did my best and I felt frustrated by several things including but not limited to why can't those dang kids keep track of their computers?  We had more missing and they were mostly unplugged.  We got everything sorted and then at lunch I went on Etsy and ordered a sticker set where you put a color coded sticker on a Chromebook and one on the charging cord and one on the computer cart so maybe they will be able to get it straight.  As a bonus, they're pretty colors.

Unlike my pioneer ancestors, I have a credit card.

(Related, my colored pencils arrived.  I'm going to color when I watch Inside Out.)

Here's something else.  

Yesterday I sent an email to the parents of my students and told them about my diagnosis.  I got message after message telling me they would pray for me.

It is humbling to feel so much love from people.  I don't deserve it, but I appreciate it all the same.

Weekend

Things I did this weekend:

Adam helped me shower on Saturday morning and remove most of the bandages which was a project.  He used unisolve and then put one of the patches Mark uses to cover his infusion set over the top of the remaining bandage.  It's handy to have a diabetic around to pilfer his supplies when needed.

I went shopping with Adam.  That mostly meant shopping a little and then sitting in the car to wait for Adam.  It was nice to be out in the world though and good to be with Adam.  He helps me a lot when I need to talk through things.

Me = big feelings.

I ordered colored pencils from Amazon.

I decided the book I'm reading is boring me so I'm going to abandon it.  (It's by Sandra Dallas and I usually like her books, but I'm not feeling it.)

Marie Louise brought dinner which was so nice of her!  Everyone is kinder to me than I deserve.  

I have a sinus/ear infection which isn't great and I watched church and listened to a recording of the talk Enoch gave in his ward.

We drove Emma to the airport (an excuse to see her before her trip to Disneyland).

I found Marie Louise's 6th great grandparents (I think--the 1700s are muddy) and that was exciting.

The sky was moody all weekend and the leaves on the mountains have turned colors and some of the leaves in the valley on moving that way too.  I love autumn.  

Grateful Friday

 I am grateful to be home! (I don't know why I hesitated if I would need to take today off also.)

Surgery is rough.  I had to be at the hospital at 2:00 pm and then didn't actually go back to surgery until 3:45 and we got home at 6:30 pm.  I would have preferred it to be earlier, but no one asked.

I'm grateful it is over.  One more thing behind me.

I'm also grateful for how kind and caring everyone (friends, family, the hospital staff) was.  I'm grateful for modern medicine.  I'm grateful for scientists and doctors and nurses that have devoted their time and talents to healing.  The doctor explained to us before the procedure that he had a tool that would guide him right to the lymph node because of the tracker that was on it.  Pretty remarkable.

The original surgeon I had was on vacation this week so I had a different doctor in the same practice.  He said, "He probably would have had me do this anyway because I do these all the time and he hasn't had as much experience."

I'm grateful I got the experienced guy.

I wasn't given a pain pill prescription and I'm glad because I don't like how that makes me feel.  I was told to alternate Tylenol and Advil.  Adam gave me Tylenol right when we got home at 6:30.  He said he would give me more at 10:30.  I told him I would be asleep and I was.

I woke up at 11:30, in pain.  I got up and got the Advil and sat in my chair.  I reached across with my right hand for a notebook and pen and dropped the notebook.  It fell between the end table and chair.  I could get it with my left arm, but not now.  I looked at it and thought:  that is where you live now.  I got another pen.  I wrote down:  Advil 11:30.  I ate part of a Larabar so the Advil wouldn't hurt my empty stomach and took a drink of water and then got up to go back to bed.

Then I remembered I had never taken the Advil.

I still had enough anesthesia in me to be on the struggle bus! 

I took the Advil and from then on had a pretty restless night.  My lymph node was removed from my left armpit and I am a side sleeper and either side hurt to sleep on.  I know I'll heal though.  This won't be forever.  I'm grateful for my body's ability to heal.

I was not waving, I was drowning

 Oh boy.

I was gone Monday and Tuesday (didn't plan to be gone Monday) and everything was wrecked.  The more consecutive days you're gone, the worse it gets.

There were three computers just missing.  (When I offered candy two were found.)

I have never had a class so abysmal at computers.  They are each assigned a number but some of them just grab whatever computer suits their fancy and it is chaotic, especially if I'm not there to rein it in.

Two handwriting books disappeared.  Again, I offered candy and one was found.  Where could the other one be?!?

(Maybe hiding with the computer somewhere.)

I'm sure it will all turn up, (I didn't empty every desk) but it added a whole element to the day.

I just plain have not had enough time with these children to get our routines established.  Cancer did not ask me for a good time frame.

My students were unhappy that I'm going to be gone again.  They don't know about the cancer--the big reveal will be next week after I get my treatment plan (hopefully!). But I told them I was having health problems and I needed to go to the doctor some more.

One of them asked, "Are you going to die?!?"

I told them no.

Ugh.

There is no way they aren't freaking out when they find out I have cancer.

Miriam and Alissa got me up to speed after school and Alissa said, "You are doing great.  You need to know that you are doing great."

I feel like the hot mess express, so that was kind of her.

Matt also stopped me and said he thought that Parent Teacher Conferences were going to exhaust me.  I hadn't thought about it, but they exhaust me when I am healthy!  He had an idea for how to spread it over more days.

I'm lucky to have so many people helping me and thinking of things for me and just being on my side.

My surgery is later today.  I was hoping for an early call time, but I didn't get one.  The good news of that is that I brought home a bunch of school stuff to work on while I'm waiting to go to the hospital.

I will eventually get everything under control.  Right?  Right?!?

Weights and counter weights

Weights:

I have cancer.  It makes me feel stressed and left behind at times.  I feel sick.  I have to have procedures that are sometimes painful and sometimes uncomfortable and always inconvenient. I can't make solid plans because I don't know how I will feel/if I'll be having chemo.

I am concerned about the illness/injuries of people I love deeply.  They are suffering.

The news.  When the polarization couldn't get worse, it did.  Also I hate reading about the health stuff happening.  A few days ago I saw an article about the funding that was being cut to cancer research.  I have skin in that fight.  I didn't read the article because it felt too stressful.

I want to be at school.  That is all.

I want to be more help to my family.  Just because I have cancer doesn't mean their lives suddenly got easier.  Adam's got a lot harder with a new job responsibility.  

Counterweights:

I have a lot of support and help with my cancer.  Everyone is so kind to me.  Adam and our kids are willing to bend over backwards to help.  They adjust their schedules.  They pick up the slack.  They listen.  Adam recorded a message for his team to watch and he hated doing it and felt super awkward about it.  I asked, "So why did you record it instead of doing it in person?"

He said, "Because I am going to be at the hospital with you."

I appreciate the help I get at school and my ministering sisters checking in with me and my friends and family praying for me and supporting me.  I rarely feel deserving of all the love and encouragement and help I receive.

It rained and the sharp smell of sagebrush came through the windows yesterday morning and that is the comforting scent of my childhood after rain.

In the same vein, we are getting closer to jacket and sweater weather.  Jackets and sweaters are my love language.

I have a comfortable and safe home.  I have a car that works.  I have a job I love.  Even though I can't be there and feel limited at times, I love my job.

Also, it occurs to me sometimes:  I can just be happy.  That is such a freeing and wonderful thought.  In the middle of everything, there is nothing wrong with hope.  There is nothing keeping me from deciding to be happy.

Adam had to be at a work event, but Emma and Mark took care of my convalescence yesterday. (And the procedure was easier than I expected.  It was more superficial than they thought and they just did local anesthesia and no overall sedation.)  My arm is sore, but it could be worse.  And Emma and Mark are pretty great.  Emma and I made a slideshow assigning Disney characters to Brooklyn 99 characters and then we did the same with Mark, assigning Disney characters to Parks and Rec characters.  It was entertaining and I could lie on the couch.

The biggest counterweight I have is my faith in Jesus Christ and my knowledge that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and has a plan for me.  In my weakness, I sometimes drift away from that into a sea of what ifs and woe is me.  I am grateful for the reminders I have to look up, to remember, to seek that peace that I know is there for me. 

  

Feeling poor in spirit

 I had a come apart on Sunday night.  It was not pretty.  

Sometimes it is all just too much for me.  I decided I needed to think it through though.  Are there false narratives making me feel worse?

The impetus to it all was that I felt sick.  I always feel sick, but I felt sicker.  I felt like maybe I shouldn't go to school, especially in light of the surgery and all the things.

And that was super frustrating. 

I like going to school.  I like my job.  I think the worst part of it though, is that I felt like I was letting people down.

And that, I think, is a false narrative that I need to get over.

My sub will actually get paid.  Someone isn't doing me a favor.

I do actually have sick days that I can take.

My students don't need me to be there to be happy children.

When I send my sub plans to my team, someone does need to print them and put them on my desk and maybe pull some copies out of a file somewhere.  It takes less than 5 minutes.

So sick days aren't imposing on anyone, not really.

I need to write that on a sticky note and put it on every surface of my house.

I had similar feelings about being the primary chorister.  I have missed a lot of church and I feel like I'm not on top of things.  I am working below my old capacity.  People tell me that it's OK; I'm doing my best.

All right.  But I hate that.

I stayed home from school yesterday with Mark.  I could do worse.

I talked to my mom and it is good to feel understood by someone who knows the frustration of health limitations.

It's nice to know that being poor in spirit isn't such a bad thing.  It means I'm being humbled.  It means I need to rely on Jesus Christ more.  There's nothing wrong with that.

We went to my school last night and I righted the ship after having a sub.  I pulled out everything I had prepared for today's sub.  I read the sub's notes about how naughty some of my students had been.  I wish I could be there today and I'm grateful that Jamie is going to do math and Maren is going to teach writing.  I hope today goes better.

Today I have my SAVI scout procedure.  Adam is going to take me and be with me and then he will need to leave because he has a work event tonight.  Emma's going to come and take me home and spend the evening.  I need to be at the hospital at 11:45 and they said I could leave at 5:00.  It feels like a bigger deal than I was expecting.  I'm grateful I have a deep bench.