In late June--after we returned from our trip--I had a physical like a good girl. I had elevated white blood cells and more tests and appointments followed. I spent a lot of time freaking out and stress googling and it got me exactly nowhere.
I had an appointment this past week and learned that I do indeed have cancer. It isn't clear which kind. I have a bone marrow biopsy and a PET scan next week. I am dreading both, but will be grateful to have answers. So I am grateful that I have them scheduled.
I am stressed about a lot of things. For one thing, I am a planner. It's my whole personality. This process of waiting and do I/don't I have cancer was excruciating and still is while I wait to know what I have/what the treatment is. I have a really good imagination and it is really good at going to worse case scenarios.
I am worried about the school year. This is pretty terrible timing. (My PET scan is on the second day of school--not ideal.) Also, I don't feel well and have a lot of fatigue. Guess what takes A LOT of energy? Teaching 3rd grade.
Like Matt said though, "Is there a good time for cancer?"
I said, "Well, not the first week of school."
So that's all a lot.
But I also have so much to be grateful for. I have a safe and pleasant home (in a pleasant grove no less) and I have health insurance and a doctor that I like.
Those things alone are absolute luxuries and I know this.
Even more important to me is my extensive network of people who are supporting me and loving me and praying for me.
I mean, I have an adorable six year-old nephew praying for me. What a blessing!
Adam is beyond words in the support department. I don't know how I got so lucky. Our children are loving and helpful. Adam and Emma and Mark went with me to my classroom and worked for several hours. I am grateful for my larger family and all their encouragement and love and prayers.
My sisters have both offered to drop everything and come to my side. I like the birth order. I'm nestled between these two pillars who hold me up, one on each side.
Friday at work I repeatedly lied through my teeth when people asked me how my summer was. (I guess it was only a half lie, the beginning was good...) I told some of the people (principal, vice principal, my friends) and I think I maybe cried to all of them.
Good news, everyone has Kleenex. And since I had texted Jamie the night before, she told me she purposely wore waterproof mascara.
First thing Friday morning, my friend Maren came in my room and told me that she is working on a master's degree and needs a classroom to student teach in (she's the ESL coach). She asked if she could use my class.
It felt like a tender mercy. I told her what was happening with me (tears, hugs, Kleenex) and I told her that having her helping me would be amazing. What a gift.
It reminded me of the widow in the Bible who fed Elijah and never ran out of meal and oil.
Having Maren help me in my classroom may be just enough to get me through. I also asked Maren to take my class for part of the second day of school when I'm gone.
It would be as big of lie as the one I told (over and over) that I had a "great" summer, if I said that I am able to remember gratefully all the blessings I have all of the time.
I falter. I shrink. I cry.
I am scared.
Adam told me that if he was going to devise a torture contraption for me, it would be the past several weeks. Uncertainty and nothing to do about it.
Even so, I have faith. I know that I have been helped in my life and that I have no reason to believe that I won't continue to be helped.
I know in whom I have trusted.
Lead, kindly Light, amid th'encircling gloom;
Lead though me on
The night is dark, and I am far from home;
Lead thou me on!
Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see
The distant scene--one step enough for me.
John Henry Newman
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