Parenting 101

I’ve been thinking about it and I’ve come upon the treatment for all that ails parents. The cure-all. The only discipline strategy you’ll ever need.

First you need to write a list of all the things your children could possibly do wrong. Since I’ve only just recently discovered this approach, there are plenty of things I didn’t write down, that I should have.

Here’s how my list, years ago, should have looked:

1. Wear underwear. Especially if you’re wearing a dress. And going to a birthday party.
2. Don’t make a giant otter pop out of other otter pops and leave the kitchen a sticky mess.
3. Don’t put nail polish on your eyelids
4. Don’t plug up the shower to create a “pool” and cause water to drip into the family room downstairs.
5. Don’t pull down your pants in a city park even if you are a boy and really need to go.
6. Don't eat four string cheese sticks one after another just because you are four years old.
7. Your curtains won't hold your weight if you use them to propel yourself onto your bed. You will only rip out the curtain rod and make a hole in the drywall.
8. Putting pillows on the landing will not necessarily protect you from injuries after jumping from the top step.

Silly me. It didn’t occur to me to teach these things to my children. I was busy working on please and thank you and don’t hit your brother. If I’d sat down and made a proper list of all these eventualities, maybe we could have avoided them.

I should have thought up every possible impolite thing they could think to say at someone else’s house.

Don’t say, unprompted, “It’s OK, our house is messy too.” Or, “Is this ALL there is to eat?”

So I’m sure you get the idea. You need a list, and it should be a long list. Really use your imagination; try and get inside the peculiar workings of a child’s mind. You might even want to ask your child for help with the list.

Next, sit the little monkeys down. Read them the list. Information is power. I’m sure if they know your expectations, they will follow them. Never again will they be able to say, “I didn’t KNOW. You never TOLD me to put my clothes in the drawer. I thought I was SUPPOSED to stuff them under my bed.” Never again.

Now this should work. If it doesn’t, you could always do what the mother I observed at the park the other day did. She was exasperated (and I’ve been there) and told her child that if he didn’t come RIGHT NOW, he was not going to go to Disneyland. Your child may be smart enough to realize that you already have the trip planned and are looking forward to Pirates of the Caribbean yourself. They may call your bluff.

But it may work.