Grateful Friday

 We have had such a nice time!  Wednesday we spent lots of time just being together.  I decided to take advantage of helpers and get a jump on Christmas. QE was thrilled at the prospect of decorating the tree.  Mark and Braeden hauled boxes and Adam and Mark set up the tree and Mark went up on the ladder and did the high stuff on the shelf before the tree was placed.

Basically we can't have Christmas without Mark.

Adam cooked all the meals and said, "Go sit down," if I ventured into the kitchen.

Basically we wouldn't have anything without Adam.

I loved the very concentrated band of ornaments just at QE's level.

Also, she saw this Coke Zero ornament that I think Geri gave Adam once upon a time.  She pretended to take a swig from it and said, "I'm a man!"

For context, Braeden drinks soda and Anna never does.  I guess it feels masculine to QE.  She is a constant delight.

Everyone except Emma and QE and I went to the grocery story for last minute supplies and I loved watching my two best girls play together.  QE had a stethoscope and was being very dramatic and making Emma giggle.  I thought, this is something I always want to remember, just the sheer delight of them being together.

Later, while everyone else was doing other things, (Adam, cooking), QE and I finished decorating the tree.  This time I thought, I will always remember this.  I think it is a new core memory.  I loved it so much.  She chatted about placement and asked me questions about where the ornaments were from.

I showed QE some Rudolph figurines I have and she was enamored with them, but didn't know the story.  When I was telling her the story, I couldn't remember the name of the doe who was Rudolph's girlfriend.  I said, "Faline?  Or is that from Bambi?"

Braeden said, "I think it's Clarice"

I said, "Oh, that's right."

QE was hanging on every word.

We decided to watch the movie.  She snuggled into my side which I loved.  She refused to accept that Clarice was not Faline, however.

For the rest of the evening, she kept asking us the deer's name.  We would say Clarice and she would say, "No, it's Faline."

Braeden told her to stop asking if she didn't want the answer.  I admired her commitment.  If you ask me, she really can do no wrong.

In the evening we had Pikkujoulu.  Adam made clam chowder and Trader Joe's made the treats.  Emma and Mark sang and Braeden read stories.  Adam did his scripture reading.

We had one more night with everyone under one roof and that is about the coziest feeling there is.

Yesterday morning Adam and I drove our guests to Anna's parents' house.  We had a brief and nice visit with them and then went to Emma's apartment, because she forgot her mashed potatoes shirt!

In anticipation of Thanksgiving, I asked everyone what their most important dish was.  I was looking at shirts for Christmas gifts on Life is Good and I saw they had Thanksgiving shirts with what everyone had requested.  (Adam's pick was based on the shirt.)

Before we ate, we took pictures of everyone with their favorite dish:

I would like the record to show that Adam got that out of the cupboard for the picture and we had a different gravy boat for our actual gravy.

After we ate, we listened to "Dave Cook's the Turkey" then I took a glorious nap.  Later we played bank and ate pie and leftovers.  We watched The Great Escaper which was on PBS.  It was excellent.

We have much to be grateful for.  I loved being together.  I loved the delicious food.  I loved showing the Christmas bears to QE and remembering all the goodness of our shared lives.  

When I consider how much I love being together, I feel even more grateful for temple covenants that bind us.  I am grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  I am grateful for the ways that God's love and the Atonement of Jesus Christ bless my life.

I know that all the people who are so very kind to me, are reflecting the light of Jesus Christ.  They want to be more like Him and I am the lucky recipient of such goodness.

Today, the tree is mingling with autumnal decorations and I am ready to paint the entire town (house, and not paint, but you get the idea) red.

Data points

 When I fainted at the hospital, Anna said it was a data point.  It's a really kind way to frame it.  Figure yourself out is what I need, but also data points.

Yesterday was another data point.

I dragged (and I mean dragged) myself to school.  I tried to process what had happened and what needed to happen in my classroom.  My brain was muddy.  Maren asked me what I was doing for writing.  After a few moments it finally came to me.  I had a plan.  Yes, a plan. What was my plan....

She said, "How about I teach writing?"  She'd already offered to do literacy.  She said, "Let me help you."

I got through the morning.  It was rough.  Melva came in to work in my classroom because I literally have an army of people holding up my arms.  Later, I was eating lunch in my classroom when the room started swimming.

I felt like I was going to faint.

I lay down on the floor, right under my desk.  Once the world seemed less daunting, I got up and did the smartest thing I could think of.  I texted Mark to come and get me.

Miriam came in to ask me how we were scoring the math test and I tried to explain the principles of standards based grading that led my thinking on how to score the test, but I finally gave up.  I asked her to go find Maren.

I told Maren that I was coming into my classroom with my kids over the weekend so not to worry about how it looked at the end of the day.

She said, "Well, it will be clean."

I feel like crying just thinking about how kind people are to me!

I saw Jeff in the hall and said (as if the fact I was carrying my coat and bag didn't make it obvious) that I was leaving.  I told him I almost fainted and Maren was taking my class.

He said, "I don't want you driving...."

I told him my son was coming.  Once we were driving home, Mark brought up  It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World.  My boys are often the embodiment of Sylvester, coming for their mama.

Braeden and Anna and QE were at our house by the time we got there.  I was happy to see them.  I lay on the bed in QE's room while she played.  When Adam got home, she giggled and pranced around the room from the sheer joy of Papa.  It made me happy, but not as happy as it made Adam.

Later, they all went to the park and I took a 45 minute nap.  I downed my electrolytes and felt human again by evening.

Kim texted that they had some pumpkin cheesecake to drop off.  She had two plates, one regular and one gluten free.  We have the nicest neighbors in the universe (I'm sorry to everyone that doesn't live in our cul-de-sac).  The fact that people bring us gluten free stuff (when it seriously is a pain) makes me feel loved and seen.

Melva dropped off a Christmas dishtowel and poem from the RS.  I thanked her again for coming to my classroom.  She said, "For the first time today, you looked like you didn't feel well.  Usually you hide it really well, but I could tell today."

She was not wrong.

So data points:  I am lacking in words to express my gratitude for the kindness of literally everyone who I came in contact with yesterday.  On my roughest days, people just show up for me.

Also, I think I'm going to start staying home the Tuesday after chemo.  It wasn't actually that comfortable (or hygienic) on the floor under my desk at school.

I'm OK

 This has been rough.  I have felt more sick this time around for sure.  More fatigued, more nauseous.  Discouraging, but it shouldn't be because it was predicted.

I didn't want to, because it hurts to use my port, but I went in yesterday to get more fluids through IV.  I thought it would help me and I needed help.

The nurses there are the epitome of kind and efficient.  They just sweep through the motions of everything, gently and swiftly taking care of business.

I think the IV helped.

When I was driving home, I saw a young woman on an electric scooter.  She was wearing a black hoodie.  On the back it said, "I'm BROKEN" but the OK was highlighted, so what I saw was "I'm OK."

I thought it covered how I felt.

I have a bruise on my chest from needles jabbing into my port.  I feel tired and sick and out of sorts.  I have a school day ahead with energetic children whose energy will not match my own.

At the same time, I had people checking in with me yesterday.  A parent of a student, my sub, Olivia, Maren.  They all wanted to know how I was.  Marie Louise texted and wants to bring me dinner.

Maren wondered if she could teach my literacy lesson today.

I picked up the mail and I had a card from my cousin Leslie.

She is thinking of me and praying for me.

The brokenness I feel from time to time is humbling and hard.

The OK always wins though.  I can't stay in my broken state with so much love from people.

I can't stay broken when Adam and Mark do all the heavy lifting around here.

I can't stay broken when people are praying for me.

I can't stay broken when I consider that Jesus Christ, who descended below all, understands how I feel (little old me!) and loves me.

Yes, I'm very much OK.

Weekend

 ✓ chemo on Thursday

✓ chemo on Friday

I am now 1/3 of the way done with chemo!  

Having Olivia there with me was wonderful.  She stayed with us which was also wonderful.  She was 100% an easy keeper + she brought me 12 wrapped gifts for a twelve days of Christmas.

I was at the cancer center for 8 1/2 hours again on Thursday.  I didn't have any big reactions, but they kept it at about half speed.  The nurse reassured me over and over that having reactions again would be "extremely rare" but he also had me move to the section of the room where the chairs are close to the nurse station "just in case."  Mixed message....

We met with the doctor and they hooked me up and we chatted in the morning and then Mark brought us lunch (sandwiches from Jimmy Johns).  In the afternoon we moved to the table on the other side of the room and played Skip Bo (which my mom had bought for the occasion).  One Christmas break when we were in college we played Skip Bo a lot.  And Olivia tried to cheat a lot.

We couldn't remember exactly how to play and we didn't want to read the instructions so we kept glancing at them and handing them back and forth.  We needed Marianne or Adam there.  I think oldest kids are the instruction readers.  Just tell me how to play.

I think we finally figured it out and Olivia did try to cheat, but I stopped her.  We laughed a whole lot and hopefully didn't disturb anyone.  I also told her about the plot to Hot Frosty which Emma and I watched on Netflix last year and we cackled and cried from laughing so much.  Emma and I need to find a new so-bad-it's-good Christmas movie this year.  I wish Olivia could join us.

My friend Misty brought us delicious beef stew for dinner and then we played Qwixx.  I went to bed, but before I did, I ordered Qwixx for Olivia from Amazon and it was on the porch in the morning.  I am a Qwixx evangelist!

I was really tired and also awake for a few hours in the wee hours.  Gotta love the combination of steroids that keep you awake and anti nausea that makes you sleepy!

We stopped by the Lindon temple on the way to chemo.

It is so lovely.

Once I was hooked up, Olivia and I were both on our laptops doing Christmas shopping.  I had Old Navy Super Cash and I didn't need anything so I placed an order for her, delivered to her house and hopefully not to QE accidentally because I have done that several times (she's the main Old Navy person I buy for and sometimes I send her some pants for Mark....)

We also took advantage of some Lands End sales.  The time flew by.  Mark came and I can only have two visitors at a time, so Adam went to sit in the van and work.  He had his phone and computer out and I guess left his backpack on top of his car.

We went to lunch and the backpack flew off his car on North County Blvd.  He didn't realize.

After a lovely lunch at First Watch, we said good-bye to Olivia and Adam and I drove back to the cancer center to see if he'd left his backpack there.  He hadn't.  He had an air tag inside and this could be an ad for air tags, because it let him know that his backpack was on North County Blvd.  It is a very busy road!

His backpack was found as well as the contents scattered about.  Luckily his laptop and phone weren't inside.  He had a pair of sunglasses and a pair of reading glasses that were absolutely shattered.  He had mints and Werther's caramels that he uses as cough drops.  Both were obliterated.  The air tag seemed broken, but he could put it back together.

  The air tag is the hero of the story and there it is, in pieces.

His wallet took a beating too....

I spent the rest of the afternoon resting.  I was napping when Ami and Molly brought me dinner.  Also gifts.  They are so good to me.  They brought the happiest water bottle with pink and red smiley faces all over it.  I told Mark, "When the right person knows your favorite color, it is magic."  They also brought me some socks with books all over them.

I went to bed early, but sleep was a little elusive again.

Saturday was a whole lot more sitting around.  Adam and Mark went on a big grocery shopping trip to get everything for when Braeden and Anna and QE are here this week as well as Thanksgiving.  Adam was going to go to the hospital to visit a man in our ward who just had a kidney transplant.  He asked if I wanted to go with him and it seemed doable.  I just needed to sit in the car and sit at the hospital and he said that he would get a wheelchair so I wouldn't even have to walk in the hall at the hospital.

It all went to plan.  There were three other people from our ward visiting and I talked with everyone and felt fine.  Then, all of the sudden, I didn't feel fine.  I felt like I was going to faint.  I told Adam and we said our good-byes and he wheeled me into the hall.  The next thing I knew, there were about six nurses swarmed around me taking my pulse and putting an oxygen monitor on me and taking my blood pressure and Adam was telling me to breathe.  There were some EMTs there with a gurney and I thought they just happened along but Adam told me later that they were there for me.

I was so out of it! 

Adam explained later that when we left the room, I slumped over and he kept me from falling out of the wheelchair and alerted a nurse for help.  It all felt surreal and I was embarrassed that I was out in the world if I couldn't handle it any better than that.

They kept asking me if I wanted to go to the ER and I didn't know, but Adam said yes.  He wanted to get me some fluids.  So we went.  One of the nurses took command of the chair and we went a back way and bypassed the waiting room and got right in.  They hooked me up to lots of monitors and took some blood and gave me a liter of IV fluid.  I had an EKG, which felt a little like overkill, but I wasn't really in a state to argue.

Finally after a few hours, the doctor returned and said that my bloodwork showed that I was very anemic and compared to the bloodwork the hospital had in their records from August (when I had my bone marrow biopsy I guess?), it was not going well.  She wondered if I had internal bleeding.  I asked if it could be related to my lymphoma or chemo and she didn't seem to think so.  I pulled up my records on my phone from my cancer doctor and she saw that my hematocrit and hemoglobin have been a hot mess for a while so that made her feel a little better.

She asked if I had a wheelchair at home. (No.) She asked if I had stairs. (Yes.)  She was mulling whether to let me leave without a blood transfusion and Adam said, "Our son does the laundry.  She doesn't need to go up and down the stairs."

How desperate were we to get out of the hospital that we thought our son doing the laundry would tip the scales?!?  It cracked me up later when I thought about it.

She finally said I could go if I could prove that I was ambulatory.  They unhooked me from everything, but kept everything attached to me in case I didn't pass the test I guess.  I had to walk up and down the hall and I tried to look as ambulatory as possible.

I passed and we went home.  I told Adam I felt really dumb about all of it.  He said that maybe it was a tender mercy that we were together and in a hospital because if it had happened at home, I could have fallen and hit my head.  Also, I do think the fluids were what I needed.  They revived me quite a bit.  

Sunday I stayed home.  I watched church using the link Adam sent me and tried to do family history, but didn't have much success.  I am definitely more sick this time around.  Emma came over and we played Skip Bo and ate soup and generally enjoyed our time together.

I slept 11 hours last night.

I hope I am up for school tomorrow.

Grateful Wednesday

I'm taking time off from my blog in honor(?) of chemo.

So today's grateful Wednesday.

I'm grateful that there is snow on the mountain.  It will never not feel like money in the bank when there is snow on the mountain.

I'm grateful Olivia is coming to do chemo with me.  

I'm grateful that I have a really good sub.  She is spectacular and the whole school knows it.

I'm grateful for the kind people at my doctor's office.  Marie Louise told me that cancer doctors and nurses are extra nice and I think that is true.

I'm grateful for all the things I have to entertain myself when I am down and out.  Good books, cross-stitch, coloring books, podcasts, Netflix.  It's a good time to be alive.

I'm grateful that while chemo isn't anyone's idea of a good time, it will be a blessed relief from certain unnamed students who exhaust me.

I'm grateful for all the offers of help that I get.  A woman in our ward texted me yesterday wondering if she could come and clean my house.

I'm grateful that I don't need that kind of help.  We're doing OK and are not without our resources.  (Still grateful it is offered.)

I'm grateful for my team.  Miriam has been gone and I miss her.  Alissa came in my room after school and we validated each other about some of the crazy town.

It's the main thing we do.  That and remind each other of things. Every day one of us is saying something like, "Don't forget the assembly!"  The other two say, "What assembly?"  

"Don't forget the fire drill."

"Fire drill?"

Teams make things better.  

I'm grateful for my family.  Braeden sends a text about the Roman Empire and that just gives Emma permission to be witty and Mark to follow up with some cleverness of his own.

Those guys entertain me.

I'm doubly grateful for Mark and Adam.  They are endlessly kind to me and do so many things to help both physically and emotionally.

Like the Irving Berlin song states, "I've got plenty to be thankful for."

Teacher! Teacher! I have a joke

 Yesterday at recess, a boy in Miriam's class came up to me and told me a knock knock joke.  I'm pretty sure I have heard every knock knock joke third graders know.

Maybe being a third grade teacher is hearing the same jokes over and over and saying something like, "Ha!  That's a good one!" until you die.

Since it was recess duty and I had time on my hands, I considered the other third grade teacher things.

If they have markers, they will snap them together with the top of one attached to the bottom of another.  They will wave them and be disruptive and you finally have to take away the markers.

If it is "Read with a Cop," half of them won't be able to see the pictures because while the cop has lots of cop skills, he doesn't know how to hold a book so kids can see the pictures.  The other half will just openly talk and not listen and you will have to give meaningful looks to just get them to act a little bit civilized.

Also, they will ask the cop every time how old he is (48--seriously, every time) and if he's ever shot anyone (no).

Sometimes they will laugh and gasp at points during my read aloud which is endlessly gratifying and other times they will do things like sharpen a pencil or come up to ask me some random question during read aloud which is endlessly maddening.

They are the biggest tattle-tales in the world, which makes my job so much easier.  I know they will rat each other out.  Even their best friends.

They criticize my handwriting when I write on the board.  If my letters aren't perfectly formed, they act like it is unreadable.  Listen.  I can read your writing.  Apply yourself and I bet you can figure it out.

I try to care about someone cutting in line when they are lining up to come inside at the beginning of the day, but really?  I don't care.  It is the difference of 10 seconds if you're the end of the line or first of the line.  They lay their backpacks out to save their spots and then run and play and inevitably someone takes their spot even though their backpack was there.

And I don't care.

They also are so sweet.  At least once a week someone plunks a bottle of hand sanitizer or a container of wipes on my desk.  They smile shyly when I thank them and they say, "It's from my mom."

(For the record, I didn't ask anyone to bring hand sanitizer or wipes, but they keep coming.)

I know some of them pray for me every day.

I love when they say, "I don't get it," or "This doesn't make sense."  Because then I can help them.

I love when they remind each other, "Mistakes are proof that you are trying."

I love when they remind me of that.

I love that they want to tell me their jokes.

Weekend

 Weekends are long when Adam is gone.  Also, I'm glad I have Mark.  We were both kind of droopy on Friday so he went and got pizza and we united separately like the introverts that we are.

Saturday I had him help me prep the upstairs guest rooms for Thanksgiving week when Emma and QE will be our upstairs guests.  Those two rooms tend to be storage for primary stuff, Christmas gifts, stuff to take to DI, stuff to take to Nevada.  Mark helped me get it all sorted and we made beds.  (Luckily there is a bunkbed in QE's room so I recruited the top bunk for storage.  The basement guest room is going to wait for another day with renewed energy.

We went to Winco and planned our Christmas break.  We had an original plan, but then found out about when Marianne and Robert's farewell is and when Olivia's Holiday Brunch is and we were reworking our plan.  I think we came up with a winner.  Mark texted it all to Adam and I think we are all on board.

I spent a certain amount of time over the weekend worried about Braeden.  He had some health troubles, but is past the worst of it.  I felt very grateful for Anna.  When your children are far away, it is so nice to know that they are in good hands.

Emma was in Atlanta with Adam for WGU graduation (Emma volunteered to help) and had a good time.  I talked to them while they were on their way to meet Whitney and Kelly for dinner.

Besides that, I did a whole lot of nothing.  I read and cross-stitched and folded the laundry that Mark washed and dried.  I feel better generally, but I still get so tired.  Adam and Emma and Mark all told me, "Well, you have cancer."

I know that.  But I don't want that.  

(I know. Too bad, so sad.)

Sunday morning I felt super nauseous while trying to eat breakfast.  I ended up throwing it away because I couldn't finish.  At times like that I wonder, is this lymphoma?  Is it something else?

I sort of rallied and decided that I was OK to go to church.  It wasn't my turn to lead the singing, but I used bells for our new Christmas song and I wanted to bring the bells for when I will be gone because of chemo.  Also, to set the scene, I sit in the front row at church.  

During sacrament meeting, I started feeling SO sick.  If I hadn't been sitting in the front row + carrying bells, I would have left.  After the meeting, I took my bells to primary and dropped them off and went straight home.

Eventually I felt like some of my toddler food (applesauce).  The day was improved when Adam came home!  I was so happy to see that guy!  He brought me a shirt from Buc-ee's.  It is hard for him to go to the South without going to Buc-ee's and it is hard for him to go to Buc-ee's without buying me a shirt.

We played Monopoly Deal and Mexican Train with Mark (Emma didn't come since she also just got home from a trip).  Then we watched a show on PBS that Adam had been wanting for us to watch together.  I slept through it, but good news!  I finally felt like eating.  Adam and Mark were preparing dinner and I sat at the counter and said that I could chop the Brussels sprouts.  Adam handed me a knife and cutting board, but then took them back away and said, "Maybe when you're a little more awake."

So I was relegated to lining the sheet pan with parchment paper.

I felt slightly gloomy last night because of feeling sick and today being Monday and cold and I have recess duty.  Then I saw a text from Camille who used to live in our ward.  She texted me that their family prays for me every day and that she hoped I was doing well.  It was just the kindest thing.  It made me remember the people who stopped me in the hall (on my woozy way to the primary room to drop off the bells) to tell me they are praying for me.

There are hard days, but I am being helped.  Over and over and I need to keep remembering that. 

Grateful Friday

 Yesterday we had district training.  It isn't my favorite.  Sitting in a chair all day, getting a firehose of information and being forced to get up and talk to a stranger at intervals....

I talked to a woman from another school in one of our forced encounters and she said, "I hate things like this."

I said, "I do too."

She said, "Why can't we just stay with our teams?"

So we bonded over that.

What I did like about yesterday was being with my pals.  I love what they bring to the table besides being teachers. 

To illustrate background knowledge, the presenter played a very colorful sports announcer talking about a baseball game.  I got most of it because of the osmosis of being married to Adam.  One woman said that she knew it was about sports ball of some kind.

Alissa, wife of the UVU baseball head coach that she is, understood every word.

Jamie was with us and she pulled out a zippered pouch full of the best pens and they were "space pens" as in they looked like a starry sky.  She handed them around so we could all try them.  Jamie always has the newest best of something and she loves nothing more than sharing.

At one point, Alissa and I decided we wanted to order these writing posters for our rooms.  We told Miriam and she said that she had already ordered one for herself.  I logged into the print shop website and it was super confusing.  Alissa couldn't even find it.  "Can you do it and I'll Venmo you?" I asked Miriam.  She said yes, but she couldn't remember if she'd had Matt pay for it with textbook money.  (Textbook money is this nebulous account that exists for such a time as this.)  The poster was $5.  I said, "I'm Venmoing you anyway.  For time and trouble."

There was no way figuring out that website was worth $5.

Miriam headed out after work to go to Mexico for a BBQ competition.  She knows BBQ.  When we were deciding where to go to lunch and Jamie mentioned R&R (which I don't really love), Miriam gave a side eye, but she would never say she didn't like their BBQ.  She is maybe the nicest woman alive.  (Alissa and I round out the team by occasionally being snarky.)

I said, "Miriam doesn't like R&R and why would she eat BBQ anywhere other than at home?"

Honestly, her pulled pork is hands down the best I've ever tried.

We landed on First Watch, a new breakfast/brunch place in PG.  It was good.  We talked about Christmas presents and the most important Thanksgiving food and bras and soda and dialysis and nail polish and how delicious all the food we ordered was.

We work together every day, but sometimes it's so fun to just talk about nonsense.

In the afternoon Jamie switched with Maren.  Our presenter kept shushing us when we talked so I was whisper mouthing to Maren across the table about how we were going to do a writing project about inventors and she kept mouthing, "What?!?"

I found a sticky note and wrote it out and passed it to her.

She said, "Oh!  I thought you were saying vintner and I thought that was a really interesting choice for 3rd grade."

Sticky notes kind of kept us out of trouble, but we got shushed a lot.

I'm grateful for my friends.

3rd grade

I like how curious third graders are.  We read a story about the solar system and I loved fielding all their questions.  They didn't understand how the tilting of the earth accounted for seasons, even when I tried to explain.

I had a boy stand in the front and said he was the Sun.  I used the globe and tilted it toward and away from him and they all nodded appreciatively and said, "Ohhh."

I told the boy that if he wanted to be a Sun when he grew up, he had a bright future.

No one appreciated or noticed  my play on words, but sometimes I just do that for my own delight.

One of my English learners randomly brought up "Marktic McFly" who another student dressed as for Halloween.

"What is this Marktic McFly?" he asked curiously.  I thought it was remarkable that he remembered the name.  

I explained it was Marty McFly and he was from a movie called, Back to the Future.

He said, "And this Marktic McFly is good?"

I said, "Yes, it's a good movie.  The movie is Back the Future."  I told him maybe it was on Netflix.  What I love is that this boy has an insatiable thirst for English.  He is constantly asking me what things mean and what something is called.

Curiosity may kills cats, but it gives me purpose.  Answer all the questions.  That is my quest.

Yesterday I wore my bright red boots to school.  They are the ones the second grade teachers said reminded them of Lily's Purple Purse.

I will take it.

My girls said, "I like your boots."

One of them said, "They are fire."

It went straight to my head.  Imagine me with that same expression as Lily.  Red boots are cheering and that is all.

A few days ago we started our advent calendar.  It takes so much explaining.  It isn't days until Christmas, it is days until Christmas break.  Discuss, discuss, discuss.  I would still be there answering questions if I hadn't cut it off.

I bought a mini brand advent calendar with 24 mini brands and then some more besides.  They can trade in their mini brand if they don't like it, but only on the same day.  So much clarification.  They all had a "but what if..." scenario.

I think I got everyone on the same page and they are thrilled.  It is exciting and they all crowd around and ooh and aaah when someone has opened one.  They keep asking if everyone gets one.  Yes, you do.

I like teaching the least entitled kids in America.

The Rotary Club gave them dictionaries.  They can keep them forever and take them home.

So exciting!

They looked up things and excitedly told each other the page.

Yesterday after school, one of my students and his three brothers knocked on my door.  I had both older brothers and they are easily among my very favorite students.  The two older brothers were very concerned about the dictionary.  Their parents don't speak English and they are the emissaries for the family.  "He brought this big book home..."

I said it was his and he could keep it.  They looked relieved, all four of them.  I said, "Didn't you guys get dictionaries when you were in third grade?"  It seems like we've done it most years.  They said no.  So I said they could all share it.  They went away happy.

Speaking of dictionaries, my students discovered the American Sign Language signs for every letter and number in the back of the dictionary.  They all quickly learned how to sign 6 and 7.  

It is infinitely less annoying than them saying it all the time.

Up and down

 Things exhausting me:

Emotionally fraught conversations with parents, especially when they don't speak English and the conversation is filtered through a translator.  I had two such conversations yesterday.

Having cancer.  Turns out it keeps tiring me out.

Writing sub plans.  I have district training on Thursday and then I will have my three chemo days to write sub plans for.

Worrying about people I love.

Things lifting me:

Going to Bonneville Night at Culver's.  The 6th grade student council kids served the food and they were so cute in their blue aprons.  It was packed with Bonneville families and I loved seeing everyone.  So many kids came up and said hello to me.  Mark kept saying, "Are those your students?"  None of them were this year's students.  They just know me and it's exciting to see a teacher in the wild.  

I told Mark, "When you go with me, you're going with a celebrity."

He said, "Yeah...."

Chatting with Olivia on the phone.  She is going to come and stay with us and go to chemo with me next week.  She and Hannah schemed that we could play card games like Speed during chemo. They reasoned that Olivia would win because I would be hampered by, you know, being hooked up to IV.  This is the kind of support I'm really looking for.

My new therapist.  She is local and I like that.  (I liked my other one too, but I like that this one is in my time zone.)  She is Swedish and as I was at therapy last night, I was watching her face and I feel like she looks so familiar to me.  I finally realized she reminds me a lot of my grandpa Dahl (who was mostly Swedish) and my aunt Jennifer.  

Basically she is like my people.

She gives me lots of homework, which is kind of good news and bad news because I don't have a lot of time for homework, but I think it is helpful.

Less difficult

 What do we live for, if it is not to make life less difficult for each other.

George Eliot

Last night I talked to Enoch on the phone, my biggest little brother.  (He's like Reno, the biggest little city.)

He asked me about how cancer was going.  He gave me encouragement and told me they're praying for me, which means a lot.  He understands having a chronic disease.

We talked about diabetes.  I asked him for practical ways I could help Mark.  Talking to Enoch was both validating and encouraging.  He acknowledged all the ways it is tricky and unpredictable.  He told me clever ways he helps mitigate some of that.  I have never once heard him feel sorry for himself that he has diabetes.  I don't think it's in his vocabulary.  If you ever need to talk to an optimist, call Enoch.

We talked about parenting, the highs and lows.  We both know they don't always do what we would do.  We both know we love our kids anyway and it's probably going to all be OK.

Enoch was missing his dinner to talk to me before I went to bed, which I appreciate.  (He said, "Don't worry, I always get food.)

I felt lighter after talking to him.  Being understood is such a gift.

Weekend

 My health feels like it is on a slow and steady incline.  I have a bit more energy all the time--and I'm getting better at resting when I need to.

Friday I loved visiting with Pam and then going to dinner with Adam and Shannon.  I felt like a normal person.

Saturday I did some things around the house and we went to Trader Joe's and it didn't exhaust me!  We came home and unloaded the groceries and then I was tired.  But I took a nap and it was OK.  I didn't freak out that I can't even go to Trader Joe's without needing a nap.

It's OK.

Does this seem like not a big deal to you?  Because I think it would seem like that to me if it were happening to someone else, but I've been the queen of freaking out for most of my life.  So when I don't freak out, it's a win.

After my nap, I sat in my chair and read awhile and got my battery recharged.  We met Marianne and Robert for an early dinner and had such a nice time visiting with them!  Adam and Robert went to the BYU basketball game and Marianne and I went on a quest for a weighted blanket. She is a court advocate for a foster child and he's lucky to have her.  When you have Marianne as an advocate, you're in good hands.  He requested a weighted blanket and they had already been to various stores and couldn't find one.

We refused to be defeated.  We went to two Walmarts and I was tired by the time we were finished.  I had wanted to pick up some sour cream, but I aborted the mission, because the dairy case is in the back of the store and I didn't have the steps in me for that at that point.  

Marianne said, "You guard the weighted blanket.  I am getting you some sour cream."

I knew argument was futile.

She strode the store with those long legs and soon enough we had a weighted blanket and sour cream and were good to go.

We came back to our house and visited awhile and I enjoyed that so much too.

I feel like I must be living right to have had such a pleasant weekend.

After Marianne left, I went to bed.  I was asleep when Adam got home and I babbled something to him--you know how it is when you are sleepy and you know you aren't making sense, but you try anyway?  That was me.

He's used to it.

I led the singing in primary and I enjoyed that.  There were some little ones being silly when we were singing and their kind teacher was gently shushing them to no avail and I stopped what I was doing and told them it wasn't time to be silly.  They look slightly abashed but weren't silly any more.

When your primary chorister is also a school teacher....

Adam came home soon after church so he could pack and spend a little time with me before he headed out to Nashville.  From there he will go to Atlanta and I'm just hoping all the flights successfully happen.

Emma came over and we were making dinner when Marie Louise came over.  She brought me a beautiful blanket and a card.  She also had typed up a list of every name I had helped her find that she has done the temple work for.

She told me that they were in my corner too.

It is gratifying to see all those names!  It was a team effort for sure and I'm grateful I was able to help.

Another exciting event for the day was the world welcomed a long awaited and already adored little one into the world. I already had great nieces, but now I have an actual great-niece!  Desi gave birth to a sweet girl and the picture Marianne sent of Mason holding her melted my heart.  What a lucky baby to have such great parents!

Speaking of delightful girls, I had a good talk with QE on Sunday night.  She was more chatty than the week before.  She said, "How has your day been, Nana?"

Emma was sitting across the room and said, "Her little voice makes me want to cry."

I feel the same way.  She is everything.  Braeden and QE told me that she had learned about ancestors in primary.  I asked, "What is an ancestor?"

She said, "Grandparents or dads."

Braeden said, "Did you know Nana is your ancestor?  She's your Nancestor."  QE dissolved in giggles.

"Why did you say Nancestor, Dad?" He just shrugged.  He loves making people laugh.

She wondered if I wanted to see her room and walked me down the hall and set the phone on the floor of her room.  So I saw her ceiling, but I've seen her room so it was OK.  

She asked, "Do you like to read, Nana?"

I told her yes I do and that I had a new book.  I read it to her and she leaned her face over the phone to see the pictures.  After the story, she found another book in her room and dropped me like I was hot.  She took the phone and the book back to her dad and said, "I'm done with Nana."  She settled on the couch next to Braeden and started looking at the book.

I have ultimate respect for someone who would rather be reading.

Everything she does is magic.

Grateful Friday

 I am grateful I could stay home yesterday and rest.  I had a good nap in the afternoon and hopefully am ready to conquer again.

I am grateful that I got to see Braeden.  Emma came and spent the night on Wednesday as well.  I didn't really spend any time with them, but it made me happy as I was going upstairs to bed to see our three children laughing and talking over each other as they went down to the basement to stay up too late laughing and talking.  Their joy at being together bubbles around the room and I love it.  (We missed Anna and QE.  It's strange but true that what used to feel like everyone in our family doesn't anymore.)

I was grateful it worked out coincidentally that since I was home yesterday, I got to spend a little more time with Braeden than I otherwise would have.  He said I should come to the airport too and I figured I could sit in the car as well as sit in my chair at home.  We hit a Chick-fil-a for breakfast so I didn't even need to feel guilty about the fact that I didn't have any very good breakfast food around.

I enjoyed being with my boys.  They are funny and thoughtful and smart and I love them.

Later in the day, I was getting into the fridge and we have a little drawer in the bottom for meat and cheese.  The lid was askew and jammed that way and I couldn't fix it.  I was afraid I would break off one of the little plastic pegs so I did the sensible thing and called Mark to help.  He didn't immediately start applying his strength to it, he crouched down and looked up underneath it and said, "Oh, OK.  There's a lip on that side."  So he started on the other side and he quickly fixed it and didn't break anything.  

I said, "Mark!  You're a wonder!" 

He saluted me and said, "Let me know if you need anything else," as he walked away.  He probably says that to me ten times a day.  I am grateful to have him around.

Adult children are such a gift.  We are far from perfect as a family, but when I look at those kids, I just feel grateful.

I'm grateful Adam's cousin Pam is stopping to see me this afternoon.  She has a little pocket of time and is deciding to spend it on me, which I appreciate!

I am grateful we have a dinner date with Shannon tonight.  It was supposed to be Shannon and Chris, but he unexpectedly went out of town and Shannon and I decided we would still go to dinner.  The four of us can go another time.  A great thing about being this age is being free on a Friday night.  Our knees are kind of creaky, but we can always go to dinner with friends.  (As long as it isn't too late....)

Tomorrow we are going to dinner with Marianne and Robert.  Then, Robert and Adam are going to go to the BYU basketball game and Marianne is going to babysit me.

I am grateful for how kind people are to me, just over and over.  I got two nice care packages in the mail that were sent from Adam's work (one from the company in general and a personal one from the president) and a lady who used to work for him sent me the kindest card.  She lives in Texas and when I've joined Adam on trips there we've had dinner with her and I like her a lot.

Hannah sent me a conference talk she thought I'd like (Olivia had sent it to her).  My ministering sisters keep checking on me.  I honestly think they would bring me dinner every night if I let them.

How can my white blood cells and I possibly do anything except keep our chins up.  (Assuming white blood cells have chins.)

The world is so full of a number of things, I'm sure we should all be as happy as kings. 

Robert Louis Stevenson 

 

Sick day

 I had an increasingly sore throat. During the faculty meeting after school, I just wanted to lay my head down on the table because I was so tired.  My sore throat advanced to a congested head and just so much fatigue.  (I have returned to the stairs feeling like a Herculean effort.)

I decided to give my handful of white blood cells a fighting chance and stay home from school.

Braeden stayed here last night and I went to bed about 30 minutes after he got here, which was sad. It's a little blessing that I get to see him a bit more before Mark takes him to the airport this morning.  Besides that, I'm going to rest and drink all the water and cheer on my white blood cells.

Unexpected

 You've got to keep them on their toes, unbalanced, not sure what you're going to do next.

That is the only way to survive third grade sometimes.

The last 5-10 minutes of every day is complete bedlam.  They are plugging in computers and stacking chairs so the room can get vacuumed.  I am distributing Clorox wipes and telling them not to do things like put a Clorox wipe on someone else's face.  I keep trying to keep everyone moving and usually about 5 kids do all the work and the rest are chasing each other (with Clorox wipes) or pressing their bodies against the door and not helping at all.

Yesterday the bell was going to ring in about three minutes and I told the five kids that do all the work to  clean up every day that they could leave.

Utter shock.

They gulped.  "Really?!?"  "The bell hasn't rung."

"Yep, you can go."

So then other kids wanted to know if they could go and I said, "No, you haven't been helping."  They dropped to their knees, picking up tiny pieces of trash.  The chairs got stacked, the computers were all plugged in, no one chased anyone.

Will this make any difference in the future?  It is anyone's guess.

That's their trick too.  They keep me guessing.

Last night, Adam was gone and Mark and I had dinner and went to our various floors.  The doorbell rang and it was my neighbor, Jen, with this:

They smell amazing.

She said, "It's too little too late, but I wanted to do something for you and I didn't have any ideas, so I finally brought you roses."

I think they are perfect.  She came in and sat down and we talked awhile.  We live in the same cul-de-sac and go to church and even YEN together, but we hadn't just talked, the two of us, for a while.  I enjoyed it.

Cancer keeps me guessing too.  You never know what unexpected blessing is just around the corner.

We'll try again

 The last hour of the day is always a dumpster fire at school until they adjust to the time change.

Yesterday, the entire day felt like a dumpster fire.

They finally earned their reward on Friday and it was blanket forts.  I had sent a message to parents on Friday that they had earned the reward and they could bring a blanket on Monday if the parents wanted them to.

Only two kids brought blankets.

One kid asked me if they could go to the office and call home to have their parents bring a blanket.

I said yes.

Then I regretted it the rest of the day.

Every kid wanted to call home.  What was I going to do?  Say that one of them could call home, but not others?  I wrote a deeply apologetic note to the office explaining the situation and sent a parade of third graders to the office, one at a time.

So then the parents started bringing blankets.  You've never seen such a disrupted morning.

Ugh.

I will never let them call home again if they forget a blanket, if I ever do blanket forts again.  So much regret.

One student had lost his headphones on Friday.  We looked everywhere.  Right before lunch yesterday, we found them!  They were in another student's desk.  I put them on his desk.

After lunch, they were gone.

And this student is not a go with the flow type.  He's not an I will just sit here and not create a major disturbance type.  He is also not ever absent (the hardest kids never are).

We looked everywhere!  I was so frustrated.  I offered a reward (either a gummy pineapple candy they are all crazy for or Takis).  That upped the enthusiasm for the hunt.  We finally found them in another student's desk on the other side of the room.  I am starting to suspect he plants them in other's desks so we can have a hunt.  Today I'm going to put bright colored tape on them so they are easy to spot.  

I moved desks after the blanket forts because everything was in disarray anyway.  A girl sobbed because she was sitting by boys.

Adam and I talk about this a lot.  We don't remember kids crying in elementary school.  It seems like it would have branded you a social outcast for life.  I have kids crying every day and it is as mystifying as it is annoying.  I guess it is good that they are in touch with their feelings, but it gets to be "a little much," as my mom would say.

Another girl offered to switch seats so the crier could pick up the shattered pieces of her life and move on.

I tried to do progress monitoring and was disrupted 30 million times.  I talked to them about why I need them to not disrupt progress monitoring and they supplied me with all the reasons.  Knowing and doing are two different things.

You won't be surprised to hear that I was super cranky by the end of the day.  I don't like when I feel impatient and frustrated and I doubt they like it any more than I like their shenanigans. 

It is disheartening to know that I can do better.  I know that I need to be the grown up.  I need to maintain my calm and patience even when the dumpster fire is burning.  I know that.  Knowing and doing are two different things.

So I will give them and me grace.  We will try again.  

Weekend

 Halloween:

In an email Matt told us to bring our A game with costumes.  We understood the assignment.  I wish I had a picture of everyone's costumes, because they were good.

I stole this from the school district Facebook post.  It has weird lighting, but the office staff/admin were The Day the Crayons Quit.

The wonky sign on the counter is maybe my favorite part.  These crayons are the people that keep our school going and I am glad they don't ever actually quit.

There is nothing as joyful as elementary teachers getting together at 7:30 on Halloween morning to take pictures and admire each others' costumes.

One of my students was a werewolf so we roped him into our team picture.

Our theme was Reading Rainbow and the hall decorations didn't disappoint.

This was also set up in the faculty room:  a cereal killer bar.

Here's my class picture:

What a bunch of cuties.  I loved Marty McFly in the front row.

Also, there were a lot of Demon Slayers in the school!  It was a very popular girl costume this year.

This student's mom made her hair and I thought it was amazing.

We made our way through the day, doing mildly educational things (skip counting spiders in math and the like).  After library, one of my students asked, "So what are we doing now?  Halloween vibes?"

I said yes and I had already fanned this out on my desk for them.

I texted my family that Halloween morning at an elementary school feels like the happiest place on earth. 

By the end of day, it feels like an overrun Spirit Halloween at closing time. 

So many tears; so much smudged makeup.  One girl just sobbed because a boy accidentally bumped her and she dropped her cookie.  "I'm sure we can get you another cookie," I said.

She wailed, "I don't want another cookie!"

Another girl was miserable and whined a lot because her costume was hot and itchy and uncomfortable.  I finally told her that I had not chosen her costume, she had.  I don't think she felt any better, but at least she stopped telling me about it.

The boys got increasingly keyed up during the party and kept pirouetting off the kiva.  They were actual pinballs.

At the end of the party, I settled everyone onto the kiva and read to them while the parents who had come to help gathered up all their stuff.

I stopped one mother as she was leaving to tell her about all the many things she was forgetting.  She said, "Oh my!"

(Her daughter makes a lot of sense to me now.) 

A boy was bereft as he was trying to leave because he had too much to carry.  I unzipped the empty backpack strapped to his back and emptied the contents of his hands into it.

After they left, I tidied up and took down Halloween decorations.  I had high hopes to do more, but I was spent so I left it for another day.  (My classroom is patient like that.)

Saturday morning I woke up with a lot of pain in the spot where I had a shot in my stomach during chemo.  It was warm to the touch, hard and super painful.  It hurt to move.  I called my doctor, because what's a Saturday without doing that?  The on call doctor listened to my symptoms and I confirmed that it wasn't red (not an infection) and the pain had only just showed up, a week later.  He paused a second and said, "That's really weird."

I mean, validating, but....

He told me to apply heat and he prescribed me a steroid for inflammation, the combo helped (and the steroid made it hard to sleep, but still.)

We went to Costco on Saturday.  Ugh.  Why?!?  Saturday at Costco is a young person's game.  I got super tired, but then I ran into Lela, who is my sub.  She is wonderful and I told her as much.  I told her that I can tell after she's been there how good she is.  We chatted a bit and it turned into talking about cancer and life in general while Adam and Mark were buying our stuff.  I told her that having her as my sub is an answer to prayer, just like so many other helps that I get along the way.  She told me that she was having a hard time and that hearing that she was helping me gave her a boost.  Before I knew it we were crying and hugging, in Costco.  It was really the whole Thelma Davis experience.  I hailed Adam and Mark over when they were finished and introduced them.  Lela is getting a degree from WGU and Adam asked her program mentor's name, then he took a selfie of the three of us to text to the mentor.  

I said, "Will she know who you are?"

He said, "No, but then she can look me up to see what random person was messaging her on Teams."

I was so glad to see Lela in person and not just express my gratitude in sticky notes on my desk.

We also had lunch at Cracker Barrel.  I had been craving chicken fried steak.  I couldn't finish it all, but it was delicious!  While we were there, across the room, sunlight was reflecting on a car outside and glaring right into my eyes.  Adam said he would go close it, but another table was right up next to the window, so I thought I'd ask our server if the window shade could be lowered.  She said she would ask someone how to do it.  (It seemed like a typical roller shade???)

The other server confirmed that no, it couldn't be done.  The shade was as low as it would go.  I said that was OK and I would just position myself behind Mark.

A woman at the table behind me leaned over after the servers left.  "Do you want me to go close it?" she asked.

I said, "Sure."

She walked over and lowered the shade, giving the people at the table a magnanimous smile.

She smiled at me when she returned and said, "That would have bugged me too."

I thanked her, grateful there are eldest daughters in this world, because I am sure she is one.

In the afternoon we went to The Ruth.  Adam bought tickets awhile ago and we have had to reschedule for...reasons...  We went to Mrs. Harris Goes to Paris and I loved it!  It was uplifting and beautiful and since we went to the 4:00 show, I wasn't even out past my bedtime.

So it was a pretty good Saturday, but also a really hard Saturday.  I feel like I have clutter everywhere.  There are so many things that get kicked to the bottom of my to do list.  I just want to do my things.  

Adam and Mark are so good to help, but I want to do stuff myself and in the time and way that I want to do them.  I realize that I need to be patient and gracious and accept the help when and how it is offered,  but it is hard.

Saturday exhausted me and I did a fraction of my to do list.  

I cried for about an hour.  Pity party of one.  I got it out of my system though.  I will keep endeavoring (emphasis on endeavoring) to be patient and allocate my energy resources more wisely.  

Saturday night I did not feel up to church, but I reasoned that taking the sacrament and serving in primary would probably give me a boost and it did.  So many people kindly give me loving smiles or hugs or ask how I am.  We are past the awkward, sideways, I-don't-know-where-to-look because she has cancer, phase.

An older guy knocked on my car window before I pulled out of my spot after church.  He said, "We're praying for you.  How are you doing?"  I told him I was fine.  He said, "What's your prognosis?"  (Respect for cutting to the chase.)

I told him that what I have is not curable but will go into remission for 5-10 years and then I can be treated again.

He said, "Well, you don't even need too many more of those 5-10 years."

He isn't wrong; I'm not that young.  It made me smile.

Emma came over and I roped her and Mark into changing all the clocks.  Sometimes, like when the time changes and you have too many clocks, it pays to play the cancer card.  We talked to Braeden and Anna and I tried to ask QE some questions about Halloween.  She said, "Nana, I am too busy to talk."

Who am I to get in the way of her agenda?  I love that girl!

We also played cards and listened to music and Emma and Mark sang.  They have been asked to sing in our ward in December and I am glad they accepted because I love hearing their voices blend.