I love my grandma the best

My grandma's funeral was on Saturday.  It was a wonderful bittersweet weekend.

I met Braeden's family and Emma for a quick dinner and then we went to McDougal's funeral home.  It had to be McDougal's funeral home because my grandma said so.  Besides the fact that they did all her family's funerals, they were once her home teachers.  

The viewing was there and I got to reconnect with aunts and uncles and cousins.  At one point, I was talking to three cousins who are brothers, Cory, Bryce and Devin and I looked around at their salt and pepper beards and said, "You guys are grownups!" 

Cory said, "Well, Thelma, you're a grandma!"

I know.  But still.  As one of the oldest cousins, it's a little shocking that they're grownups overnight....

I looked at pictures and got a little bit misty eyed at the slideshow of pictures of Grandma.  My children and Adam tell me that it's OK that I'm sad.  It feels a little ridiculous to be sad; I can't explain why except that I'm nearly 50 and my grandma was 95 so how did I not see this coming?

I am sad. A huge part of my entire life has included my grandma.  She was all the things the best grandmas are.  She was always 100% in my corner, 100% classy and refined, 100% generous and kind, 100% an example of goodness.

When I turn 50, it will be the first time in my life my grandma has not sung to me on my birthday.

We went to my grandma's house after the viewing to visit and the Johnson girls were assembling boutonnieres for the pallbearers.  I picked up my grandma's Bible that was on the little table next to her chair.  I looked through it, reading some of her notes and the scriptures she had marked.  I loved just feeling it in my hands.  I love the righteous woman it represents.

I love being at Grandma's house but it makes me a little sad. I know I'll go back; I want to go and help my mom with the project of All the Stuff.  It isn't going to be the same.  Things won't be where she left them.  It will be less and less her house, until it isn't her house at all.

And I love that house.  I love the way I always felt there.  I felt loved and welcomed and like my very presence was a gift, when really I was the one getting the gift (and being entreated to eat candy or ice cream or at the very least some cashews).

My sisters and I practiced our song that my grandma wanted us to sing at the funeral, along with the wise additions of Emma and Clarissa.  Liberty was our accompanist.

Saturday we practiced again before the funeral.  We were in the primary room and I heard our good family friends, the Knudsens, out in the hall.  They grew up knowing my grandma and had come all the way from Elko, Nevada for her funeral.  It made me a little teary and that was kind of it for me.  I lost it when Tabor said the family prayer before the funeral; I cried a little when we sang (even though I tried to think neutral thoughts like Emma advised).  At one point I asked Marianne the state of my eye makeup and she said, "It's gone."  So I didn't need to worry about that any more.

I cried when my cousin Melanie delivered the eulogy and ended by singing the song Grandma sang to her that she also sang to me, "I love my grandma the best.  I love my grandma the best.  Of all the people in the west, I love my grandma the best!"

It was the kind of propaganda that I need to pass on to my granddaughter.

I enjoyed hearing the loving tributes about my grandma.  My mom told about her service in the church and how she'd had many callings, but the one that she wanted us to remember was that she had been a stake YW president and had to go to girls' camp and she hated camping, but she went anyway.

Her blood is in my veins and I even share her name, so if she could go to girls' camp, I feel like I can square my shoulders and do hard things too.

After the funeral we went to the Murray City Cemetery where my grandpa is also buried.  Here's my no-longer-little-kids cousins and brother being the pallbearers.

Craig, Cory, Devin and Bryce Jaynes are on the left, Brett Jaynes is in the back, then Will Jaynes, Enoch Dahl, Michael Rudelich and Shawn Jaynes are on the right.

My dad dedicated the grave and Braeden and Emma and Mark sang a song.

After that, we went back to the church for a nice dinner provided by the ward Relief Society and my grandma.  She left instructions that she wanted Honeybaked ham served at her funeral and she wanted to buy it.

She wasn't about to have some cut rate ham served.

I know I've said a lot of words about my grandma.  And I also know that it doesn't even begin to cover it.  I'll leave it by saying this:  I treasure the legacy of love she left me.  I want to carry it onward.