A lot

 Yesterday was a lot.

First there was the scandal.  "Teacher, the sub read us the book and there was kissing in it!"

(I loved how they kind of blamed the sub for it.)

I had them share the gossip with me.  The main character's mom, who is a widow, started dating the single dad of another friend.  And they kissed.

It was a lot to process.

The second scandal, no less dire, was that a girl was stung by a wasp the day before, also when the sub was there.

At recess.  The humanity!

At varying times during the day it itched or hurt and I kept saying, "That means it is healing." (I had no medical expertise to back up this claim.)

My classroom was hot.  Riley kept coming to fix it and the AC would run briefly and then stop again.

I am unreasonably sensitive to heat right now.  It is part of lymphoma.  Not my favorite part.  (Do I have a favorite part?)

I was also discombobulated after being gone for 1 1/2 days.  It is hard to get your bearings after that.

All of this would have been enough to keep me on my toes all day, but then something truly terrible happened.

There was a shooting at UVU.  Mark wisely, kindly, texted me that it had happened, but he was already home before I had a chance to hear about it from anyone else.

A right wing commentator was there speaking and a shooter shot and killed him from a building where Mark would have been in class if it had happened on Tuesday.  He walked right by where the shooting happened an hour before it happened.

He had several close friends who were in the lockdown on campus that followed.  All the nearby elementary schools went into a secure lockdown (not the kind where you have to hide, but the kind where you keep everyone inside--no recess or leaving the building.  Full stop.)

I came home and hugged Mark tight.

I showed him the photos on the NYTimes and asked him if they were any of his friends.  It is surreal that it happened there.

It is surreal that we live in a country where it happens all the time and nothing changes.  

It is a lot.

Back at it

 Yesterday was a long day.  I felt a lot better as the day went on and I am glad I stayed home for that reason, but I felt antsy to be at school.

And that is a good thing.

School is so physically hard and sometimes I think, "I should just quit and be home."  Really, going to school is a big help to me mentally.  It distracts me and I enjoy it, even though it is hard.

I talked on the phone with Braeden and Mark visited me in my office before he went to class and after he returned home from class.  I talked to Adam a few times as he was driving from Nashville to Atlanta.  

He decided it was a wash time-wise between driving and flying when you considered navigating airports and car rentals so he just drove.

Also, he likes to drive. (I talked to Enoch yesterday and I told him Adam would have been a very happy long haul truck driver.)

He said he wasn't going to stop at Buc-ee's and I acted like I believed him.

He sent me this:

I miss that kid.

I am grateful to go back to school tomorrow and I'm glad everyone there is so kind and patient with me.  I have had multiple nightmares over the years about being home and realizing I didn't get a sub.

Well, that happened.

On Monday night I wrote sub plans and sent emails to people and got everything arranged except for the (really big) detail of putting in for a sub!

Yesterday morning, I thought, "I wonder who my sub is.  I didn't see an email."

Then I felt the sickening realization that I had forgotten to put in a sub request!  I quickly emailed Rachel, one of the secretaries.  She said, "Don't worry.  It's taken care of."

So kind!  I still feel very foolish about it, but I'm grateful for the safety net that cleaned up my mess.

I finally got my procedures scheduled for next week!  Guess what I did first thing? (Scheduled my subs!)

My therapist told me to

 I have a therapist!  I have never had one before, but no time like the present, right?  She is in Florida and we talked over the computer and I really liked her.

I also had a rough day yesterday.  I felt pretty awful.  I called it quits at lunchtime and went home and left my class in the capable hands of the emergency sub/aide at our school.

Later in the afternoon I went to my appointment with the surgeon.  It was at first a little comical.  I heard him go next door into a different exam room and say, "Thelma!  I hear you need some lymph nodes removed."

Except he was in a room with a couple who only spoke Spanish.  I heard them responding in Spanish and him talking about my cancer doctor and I finally intervened and told the receptionist that he thought he was talking to me, but he wasn't.  She sighed and got up from her chair.  Maybe it isn't the first time it has happened.

I went back in my little exam room and I heard him say to the receptionist, "I thought she seemed young for that."

He came in and introduced himself and I said, "I'm the old one."

He looked very awkward that I'd overheard him, but clearly those walls are thin....

He was a nice enough guy otherwise.  He hesitates to remove something that isn't one of the diseased lymph nodes and he couldn't readily feel one.  He said he'd look at the PET scan again and talk to my doctor some more and that made me (you're not going to believe this...) cry.  

It is so frustrating that I feel like I am getting sicker, but nothing is happening treatment-wise.

He handed me a box of Kleenex (I get handed a box of Kleenex a lot).  He was sympathetic and I could appreciate his point of view, but ugh.  

He called me a little while later with a new plan to have a radiologist insert of sort of device that will help them find the lymph node.  He is going out of town next week.  He said, "Is it OK if a different surgeon does that procedure?"

I said yes. The sooner the better and also, Adam is home all next week.  So that is progress.  It isn't fast progress, but at least it is moving.

I met with my therapist for the first time and I liked her a lot.  She told me a lot of the same things that I have been getting from other sources:  one day at a time/think no thought for the morrow/give us this day our daily bread.  Her take was to focus on the here and now.

She gave me homework to plan one fun thing to do every week.  She also wondered if I journal.  I said, "Well, I have a blog."  I told her that I don't really have a big following or anything, I mostly just do it for myself and so my kids can read our family history someday.

She said, "You're other homework is to keep blogging."

I like easy homework.

Today I'm going to rework my reading groups and refine my future chemo sub plans.  I'm going to rest and read and eat small bland meals (which is what my doctor said to do and I think it is helping).  I'm also going to put a pinch of Celtic salt that Molly told me to order from Amazon in a glass of water and drink it over the course of the day.  She told me it has minerals I need and so why not?  I'll think of the strength of my English and Scottish forebearers every time I take a sip.  

Margaret Livingston was the first wife of Archibald Gardner.  They were born in Scotland and crossed the plains to the Salt Lake Valley in 1847.  She has always been an inspiration to me. This is an excerpt from Archibald's reminiscences:

my Wife Driving the horse teem all the way even to over the Big Mountain arriving in the valey on the first Day of October & Marget was Born on the 5 Night or before Day on the 6[.] So you can se what the Lord can Do to Strenthen the back for the Burthen[.]

Margaret was their fifth child and she was born days after they arrived in the valley.  

Maybe Margaret Livingston grew up eating Celtic salt and it made her such a powerhouse!  (More than that I agree with Archibald that the Lord is who strengthens us.)  I've got His help and the salt.  I'm set!

Today I have what I need and I'm going to focus on today.

Weekend

Friday I came home from school spent.  I always come home from school spent on Friday, so that isn't new, but I feel extra spent lately.

Also, when I was driving home, I thought, "Why wasn't I deliriously happy every day I didn't have cancer?!?"

Then I thought about all the things I have that other people may be without and I should be deliriously happy about those things--or at least grateful.

My mind shifts from sad/sick/discouraged to grateful and back again a dizzying amount of times in a day.

When Adam got home we did the I don't know what do you feel like for dinner game which we are really good at playing but not that good at resolving.  Adam usually wins though.  He figures out something I want.  He got out a small rectangle tray and put grapes, Triscuits and two types of cheese on it and presented it in front of me with a flourish.  He said, "It might not be enough crackers, but I have a solution."

He put the box of crackers in front of me too.

We are very fancy on a Friday night.

We remembered that there was a new season of the Great British Baking Show and it made my whole night.  Netflix loves me.

We watched and picked favorites and were not even a little bit surprised by the person who got eliminated because they self destructed from the beginning.

I love the high stakes drama of baking cakes.  It reminds me of my favorite thrill rides at Disneyland:  Peter Pan and Small World.  I was born for gentleness.

Saturday was a restorative day.  We went to the temple and the grocery store (not exactly restorative, but important) and then I had a phone call with my cousin Molly.  She is amazing.  She gave me a lot of good advice and loving kindness.

I feel supported. 

Molly told me that the same power that created my body can heal my body and that that power was Heavenly Father.

I told her that our grandparents must be so happy that their granddaughters are being so kind to another granddaughter who needs help.  Margaret sends me the most loving and supportive texts, Hannah told me in the quavering with emotion voice that sounded so much like our grandma, "I am praying so hard for you!" and Molly is dispensing her wisdom in such helpful measure.  

I spent most of Sunday in power saving mode.  (That sounds better than I did nothing.)

I didn't feel well at all.  I watched church online and fell asleep towards the end.  I feel like I'm getting sicker which is frustrating because I am not starting any kind of treatment yet.

On Sunday afternoon, Adam left for the airport. I usually don't mind so much when Adam goes on business trips, but it stresses me out now.  My baseline emotional state is precarious and he rights the ship a lot.

I'm grateful I have Mark.  When I come home from school, he comes and hugs me and kisses me on the forehead and asks how my day went and he is just this steady and sweet presence in my life.  When he was a little boy, he would randomly say, "Mom?  I love you."  This is the kind of energy he still has.

I'm grateful for Braeden.  He called (FaceTime so I got to see QE).  When he was three and a lot of our stuff got damaged in the moving truck from Connecticut to California, I remember I cried and he brought me his blanket.  This is the kind of energy he still has.  

I'm also grateful for Emma.  She came over yesterday and played some choir music for us that she is arranging.  When she was a little girl, if I ever was missing tape, glue, scissors, a stapler, or anything like that, it was always in that creative girl's room.  This is the kind of energy she still has.

Since Adam had already left, I presented the dinner plan to them:  you're making it.  They found some Trader Joe's shepherds pie in the freezer and it was good.  While it was cooking, they put away laundry that had been languishing in our room and cleaned up the kitchen--putting away the Costco stuff from earlier in the week.  

Everything needs to wait its turn around here.  

Just having them do some stuff like that improved my mood and then just being with them improved my mood too.  

I was settling in with my book after Emma left and Mark retreated to the basement (introverts unite separately).  There was a knock on the door and it was Shannon.  She burst into tears and threw her arms around me and said, "I just heard!"

This is all teaching me how to be a better friend.  I think I would second guess myself and feel like I was intruding, but it just lifted me up.

She came in and sat on the couch and we chatted.  I told her all the cancer stuff and then we talked about family stuff and then we talked about TV shows we have been watching.  It felt good to laugh about my obsession with The Great British Baking Show and this National Geographic show she's been watching about lions.

I don't know.  We might just be middle-aged.

Every day, I get just enough.

Grateful Friday

...the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance.

1 Nephi 1;20

Yesterday morning, I woke up at 3:30.  I tried to go back to sleep, but I just know how to make my day harder.  I excel at it.

So I was extra tired and prayed, prayed, prayed for help for the day.

Every day, I am helped.  Every day I cannot deny the little ways that add up to Thelma surviving the day.  It is remarkable.

During my prep yesterday I went in Jamie's office and cried.  She listened to me and reassured me and then Maren came in and hugged me.  I am so grateful that I work with some of my honest to goodness friends.  They are these strong and resilient and good and kind women and they hold me up some days.

At lunch, when I was feeling like I still had a lot of day left to go, I saw that Enoch had sent me a reel on instagram.  It was a clip of a talk by Elder Holland and it was 100% what I needed in that moment.

Katie, the school counselor, offered to zhuzh my class charter for me after I told her I was terrible at graphic design.  I said yes please.  She created a nice poster and said she would order it from the print shop for me.  

In the afternoon I had recess duty and an aide said, "Why don't you let me cover your recess duty.  You go get a drink and sit down."

(This is to say I looked as bad as I felt apparently.)

I saw a text from Marie Louise during my sit down.  She was just checking in.  My friends are better than I deserve.

I checked in with Matt (who has been gone) about Melva volunteering in my classroom.  He thought it was a great idea and then we had a conversation about the little blessings we get that help us get through.  He itemized all the things I have in my favor.

(He didn't mention himself, but he makes my list.)

I talked to Braeden on my way home and besides him telling me to quit crying because I would go blind (true: herpes simplex in my eye, made worse by crying), he was as ever, a tremendous help to me.  He is wise and empathetic and what I need.

On my doorstep, there was a loaf of bread from Kneaders (still warm) and a jar of homemade jam from Ami, one of my ministering sisters.

So yes, I had a rough day.  Also, I had a day overflowing with blessings and help.

Inching along

 Yesterday after five phone calls (!) I was able to get an appointment finally scheduled with the surgeon about my biopsy.

This isn't the actual biopsy, but a consultation to "see if the surgeon can do it."

My lymph nodes aren't easily accessible apparently.  To which I say, well, you're a surgeon right?  Dig a little deeper?

I obviously don't understand it all, but I don't need to.  I just need someone who does.

The more tests I have and the more conversations I have about the results, the more confused I get.  It isn't cut and dried.  The tests that hopefully will give the full picture don't.  I am trying (50% succeeding) to not worry about it, to be optimistic, to know that God is in His heaven and I don't need to have it all in hand.

I feel a rising panic about all the stuff that isn't getting done, both at home and at school.

I am used to being competent.  I am used to being on top of things.  I am used to striving and achieving.

And I am not.

I am over here doing the bare minimum and only what is most urgent.  A lot of stuff is falling through the cracks and if I were someone advising me I would say, "It's OK.  It doesn't have to be perfect.  Just do what you can."

But that is really hard advice to take.  

Take it I must, because I am so tired.  All of the time.  Everything is really hard when it feels like you have cement shoes and a cotton ball brain.

I'll keep doing what I can.  I'll keep inching along.

What I learned

 I saw a text message from Marianne this morning:

Did you learn anything?

She meant about my PET scan.  I didn't.  But I think I did learn something.

My doctor was supposed to call yesterday.  I checked my phone throughout the day.  Once school was out, I turned the ringer on and carried my phone with me every time I left the classroom.

He didn't call.

On my drive home, I called the doctor's office.  They said, "He has the note.  He will call you.  Probably at the end of the day."

So I waited.  

I had an increasingly anxious knot in my stomach as the time slipped by.  5:00 turned to 5:15 turned to 5:30.  I wondered when his end of the day was.  Did he make calls after hours?

5:30 turned to 5:45 turned to 6:00.

That's when I knew he probably wasn't calling.  I started feeling mad.  Why couldn't he just call?!?  I know he has the results.  I thought about those rage rooms where you throw dishes and things.  Maybe I needed that.

Then, on the heels of that idea, I stopped.

What if I didn't get mad?  What if I didn't let it ruin my (and Adam's and Mark's) evening?  If I did get mad and cry (I definitely felt like crying) and moaned all evening, it would probably disrupt my much needed sleep, but it wouldn't mean that the doctor would call any sooner.

So I decided to just not.

I still feel frustrated by the entire thing, but I had a normal evening.  We even started watching The Thursday Murder Club (I was too tired to finish it).

So I didn't learn anything new about my health, but I did learn that I am in charge of me.  I can decide where to focus my limited energy.

Weekend

On Friday I had an astonishingly bad day.  I cried (twice) at school.  The first time my students saw me and the second time I was talking to Riley and I have never not ever seen a more uncomfortable person in my life than when I was crying to Riley.

Sigh.

I came home and took a quick nap.

My nurse called about my PET scan.  She didn't have very much concrete or positive to say about my case and made me really feel worse.

My doctor may call today.  I'm trying to manage my expectations.

I drove to Salt Lake City (I called Marianne on the way and cried to her which is way more comfortable than crying to Riley).  I picked up Emma and we headed to Starr Valley.  There was an accident on the freeway that delayed us 2 1/2 hours.

If you're going to be delayed in traffic for 2 1/2 hours, you could do worse than Emma.  Still.  I was just so tired.

We finally got to Starr Valley and I was enveloped in hugs by Adam and Mark and Braeden.  (QE was already asleep.). I loved having our kids there with us.  Both nights they were there, they stayed up way too late talking.  It is a joy to me that they love being together and I love the way they can make each other laugh.

Saturday we went to Elko to the temple open house.  It was wonderful.  I loved being there with everyone.  Olivia hooked me up with a wheelchair which I appreciated.  I can walk fine, just standing in the line was tiring.  

It was neck craning to talk to Enoch sitting in the wheelchair, but I was still very happy to see that kid.

I don't so much take pictures at things like this as take pictures later from my sisters when they post them.  

Olivia hasn't posted any yet, but here's one from Marianne:

Braeden (holding QE), Ammon, Mason, Hyrum, Enoch, my dad, Marcos
Me, Emma, Melanee, Clarissa, Robert, Jennifer, Ruby, Olivia, my mom, Charlotte, Lucette, Savannah, Adam and Mark
Olivia, Deseret, Boston, Marianne, Azure, Omar, Cormac and Ammon

As I texted my family, being in the celestial room with this group felt like the very best kind of foreshadowing.  What a blessing that families are forever.

Mark took this picture of us (I don't know where Braeden and QE were):

We went to the stake center and visited a while, waiting for our lunch reservation.  (We didn't know how long the line would be at the temple, so we went extra early.). Our parents treated us to an amazing lunch at the Star.  Worth all the hype.

I loved so much spending time with QE and I was grateful Braeden had been willing to make the drive.  We read stories and played.  She loved her cousins (Braeden's cousins).  She decided Savannah's whole purpose in life was to be with her.  Azure and Charlotte braided her hair and Lucette draped her in play jewelry at my parents' house.  She was in heaven.

Of course I am always quick to brag about her, but listen.  She is so funny and so smart!

We went outside and she saw that there was a piece of cardboard stuck in the grill of Loki, their car.  She laughed and said, "Look!  Loki has a tooth!"

Saturday afternoon, I took a nap and then we visited at my parents' house then went to Marianne's for dinner.  I was "in charge" of the reunion, which means I made a google doc for food assignments, but we really couldn't have done it without Marianne.  As my mom said, "She has a lot of capacity."

Sunday we had breakfast at Olivia's then church.  Clarissa had asked Emma to be a part of a quartet singing at church because Hyrum was going to do it and he was sick.  My girl can be a tenor.  It was so nice to hear her sing with Marianne and Clarissa and Marcos.  

I saw my cousins Margaret and Hannah and Jordan at church and my aunt Claudia and uncle Demar.  It was good to see them.  Bonus reunion.

Margaret and Hannah both hugged me tight and cried with me a little (also easier than crying to Riley).

Our kids all left and Adam and I remained in Starr Valley.  We had lunch at Marianne's and celebrated Lucette's birthday and visited and just enjoyed each other.  

There's happiness and then there is sitting between my sisters happiness.

Ammon's family left and Enoch's family was about to leave and my dad was about to drive Olivia and Ruby and Charlotte back to Lund, when Tabor showed up.  

Another bonus.

So we all crammed into my parents' living room and visited some more.

(I told Tabor that I really love him because I had been super comfortable in a recliner at Marianne's.)

Adam and I went to our house.  I called Melva, my Relief Society president, because she had texted me and asked me to call.

She said that she'd been praying to know how to help me and she had gone to the temple praying how she could help me.  She said the other night she had the idea that she could volunteer in my classroom.  She worked as an aide at Bonneville for 7 years and she knows the ropes.  She said, "You need help, but I know they don't have the budget to hire an aide."  

I said, "Melva, that is so kind, but you are busy.  You don't need to do that."

She said, "Then why would Heavenly Father give me that idea, Thelma?  Why?"

She talked me into it and I cried because I was just overwhelmed by her goodness.

Later Marianne and Robert and Clarissa stopped by and we visited a bit.  After a while, Marianne said, "You look so tired.  We should go."

She was not wrong, but I wished she was.  I would have loved to stay up late talking and playing the game Clarissa brought.

Monday Adam assembled the stools we brought and we hung pictures.

Emma bought me that print in Snohomish at Joyworks.  I hung it in the green room.

In the blue room we hung the paper I got in Sweden on Midsommar and framed:

I think my grandpa would be pleased to have Swedish stuff hanging there.

Adam did the bulk of the packing up and loading up and we drove back to Pleasant Grove.  Before leaving Starr Valley, we stopped at my parents' house to say good-bye and visit a little.  Adam and my dad gave me a priesthood blessing.  I don't know why I was gifted with such parents and was blessed with such a husband.

But I don't take it for granted.

It was a wonderful weekend and now, back to school. (And back to trying to figure out my cancer: my side hustle.)