Weekend

Friday I came home from school spent.  I always come home from school spent on Friday, so that isn't new, but I feel extra spent lately.

Also, when I was driving home, I thought, "Why wasn't I deliriously happy every day I didn't have cancer?!?"

Then I thought about all the things I have that other people may be without and I should be deliriously happy about those things--or at least grateful.

My mind shifts from sad/sick/discouraged to grateful and back again a dizzying amount of times in a day.

When Adam got home we did the I don't know what do you feel like for dinner game which we are really good at playing but not that good at resolving.  Adam usually wins though.  He figures out something I want.  He got out a small rectangle tray and put grapes, Triscuits and two types of cheese on it and presented it in front of me with a flourish.  He said, "It might not be enough crackers, but I have a solution."

He put the box of crackers in front of me too.

We are very fancy on a Friday night.

We remembered that there was a new season of the Great British Baking Show and it made my whole night.  Netflix loves me.

We watched and picked favorites and were not even a little bit surprised by the person who got eliminated because they self destructed from the beginning.

I love the high stakes drama of baking cakes.  It reminds me of my favorite thrill rides at Disneyland:  Peter Pan and Small World.  I was born for gentleness.

Saturday was a restorative day.  We went to the temple and the grocery store (not exactly restorative, but important) and then I had a phone call with my cousin Molly.  She is amazing.  She gave me a lot of good advice and loving kindness.

I feel supported. 

Molly told me that the same power that created my body can heal my body and that that power was Heavenly Father.

I told her that our grandparents must be so happy that their granddaughters are being so kind to another granddaughter who needs help.  Margaret sends me the most loving and supportive texts, Hannah told me in the quavering with emotion voice that sounded so much like our grandma, "I am praying so hard for you!" and Molly is dispensing her wisdom in such helpful measure.  

I spent most of Sunday in power saving mode.  (That sounds better than I did nothing.)

I didn't feel well at all.  I watched church online and fell asleep towards the end.  I feel like I'm getting sicker which is frustrating because I am not starting any kind of treatment yet.

On Sunday afternoon, Adam left for the airport. I usually don't mind so much when Adam goes on business trips, but it stresses me out now.  My baseline emotional state is precarious and he rights the ship a lot.

I'm grateful I have Mark.  When I come home from school, he comes and hugs me and kisses me on the forehead and asks how my day went and he is just this steady and sweet presence in my life.  When he was a little boy, he would randomly say, "Mom?  I love you."  This is the kind of energy he still has.

I'm grateful for Braeden.  He called (FaceTime so I got to see QE).  When he was three and a lot of our stuff got damaged in the moving truck from Connecticut to California, I remember I cried and he brought me his blanket.  This is the kind of energy he still has.  

I'm also grateful for Emma.  She came over yesterday and played some choir music for us that she is arranging.  When she was a little girl, if I ever was missing tape, glue, scissors, a stapler, or anything like that, it was always in that creative girl's room.  This is the kind of energy she still has.

Since Adam had already left, I presented the dinner plan to them:  you're making it.  They found some Trader Joe's shepherds pie in the freezer and it was good.  While it was cooking, they put away laundry that had been languishing in our room and cleaned up the kitchen--putting away the Costco stuff from earlier in the week.  

Everything needs to wait its turn around here.  

Just having them do some stuff like that improved my mood and then just being with them improved my mood too.  

I was settling in with my book after Emma left and Mark retreated to the basement (introverts unite separately).  There was a knock on the door and it was Shannon.  She burst into tears and threw her arms around me and said, "I just heard!"

This is all teaching me how to be a better friend.  I think I would second guess myself and feel like I was intruding, but it just lifted me up.

She came in and sat on the couch and we chatted.  I told her all the cancer stuff and then we talked about family stuff and then we talked about TV shows we have been watching.  It felt good to laugh about my obsession with The Great British Baking Show and this National Geographic show she's been watching about lions.

I don't know.  We might just be middle-aged.

Every day, I get just enough.