Patience

 I was on a tremendous roll.  I cleaned the garage!  I got Emma to go through the last boxes in her room!  

(The best strategy is to hold stuff up to her and have her say yes or no.  If she hesitates, it's a no.  She said it was helpful to have me there. She got rid of more stuff because she didn't want me to judge her.  I said, "I am not judging you!"  She said no, it's a good thing.)

The next stop on my organizing and cleaning up train was the pantry.  It was tolerable until Mark came home and there was an explosion of gluten free stuff to squish in will all the glutinous stuff.  Add the Capri suns (which he has in case of low blood sugar) and it was a hot mess.

I ordered some stackable drawers from Amazon.  I even measured in a rare act of responsibility and they were going to fit perfectly.  They were set to arrive from Amazon yesterday.  I pulled everything out of the pantry.  I got rid of some stuff and consolidated other stuff.  I made piles.  I waited for the stackable drawers that were going to be the answer to everything that ailed the pantry.

I got this email:

Meanwhile the kitchen looked like this:

I felt woeful.  Mark was home from work.  I wailed down the stairs, "I need you!"  

He said, "OK," in a sort of alarmed way, but not that alarmed because he is used to me overreacting.

I showed him the email and the kitchen.  He said "OK" again (because he is even-keeled like that) and we put everything back in the pantry in a slapdash way.

Earlier in the day, I'd seen this:

I don't have patience, I'm just glad to see what it is....

It's summer but the teacher brain is still on

 My friend Bonnie gave me this on Sunday:

When you plant lettuce, if it does not grow well, you don't blame the lettuce. You look into the reasons it is not doing well. It may need fertilizer, or more water, or less sun. You never blame the lettuce. Yet if we have problems with our friends or our family, we blame the other person. But if we know how to take care of them, they will grow well, like lettuce. Blaming has no positive effect at all, nor does trying to persuade using reason and arguments. That is my experience. No blame, no reasoning, no argument, just understanding. If you understand, and you show that you understand, you can love, and the situation will change. 

--Thich Nhat Hanh 

 I can't stop thinking about it.  

A few weeks ago, my friend Julia told me she had a plant she needs to bring over for me to take care of.  Julia is Heather's mom and when Heather was Emma's roommate, Emma would bring home her plants if they were sick for me to rehabilitate.

Julia now thinks I'm a plant whisperer.  I'm not.  I don't save them all.  I do like to try though.  I like to tinker with water, light, pruning, position and see if I can help something to thrive.

I never blame the plant though.  I just try to figure out what it needs.

I am reading a book this summer, Try Softer by Aundi Kobler.  I've been reading about how trauma and lack of attachment early in life can have an effect how people cope.  It's the kind of thing where the more I read, the less I understand and the more I realize I don't know.

I don't know about my students.  I know glimpses of their little lives and histories, but there's a lot I don't know.

The quote by Thich Nhat Hanh and thinking about my plants makes me realize that maybe I won't be able to really get to the bottom of what they need.  People are more complicated than plants.  It really makes me want to try though.  All plants need sunlight and water.  All people need love and security and belonging.  Maybe I can start there. 

Different rhythm

I think I'll get so much done on my to do list.  I'm home!  So much time!  Yesterday I had ministering interviews, phone conversations, Adam and I took Janelle to the airport, then I hung out at his office until Emma was done working (I had my LETRS training to do, but I answered text messages and got three phone calls while I was there).

I'm not getting all the things done.

It's a different rhythm than being unavailable during the day and keeping my head down and working.  My head is popping up every few minutes.  I'll get used to it though.  My estimations of how much I think I can get done will settle down closer to reality.

Braeden was one of my phone calls.  He told me that he had had the most harrowing morning of his life.  Anna went back to work for 6 hours and he was the stay at home dad for a baby who screamed most of the time.  She has been sick, poor little dear.  I'm sure that will not be what it is like every day.  I talked to Braeden about how parenting is leveling up though.  You experience much more joy and much more anguish.

In the joy department, the reason I was waiting for Emma is we wanted to go to Deseret Book and buy her temple clothes in preparation for her going to the temple in a few weeks!  It makes me so happy and a little teary to think about it.  I told her that every time I go to the temple, I think of going there with her.  We didn't calibrate our plans for the fact that Deseret Book closes at 6:00 on Mondays.  We got there at about 5:55.  I told the lady that I knew they were closing soon and we would be fast.  You know how you go to Deseret Book and, especially in the distribution center part, the nicest ladies on earth work there and sweetly help you?  

This was not like that.

This lady was bugged we were there and she wanted us gone.  We quickly grabbed a few things and will have to go back another time to get everything.

We met up with Adam at Bruges Waffles and Frites.  It was a new to us restaurant and was delicious and provided an opportunity for Emma to tell me I was wrong in pronouncing every French word I attempted.  I've said it before, I was much nicer to her when she attempted English.  It is still a delight to be with Emma.  I watched the drama unfold at a nearby table and recounted it all to Emma and Adam.  Sometimes don't you just want to follow people and see how the rest of their life goes?

After that Adam and I went to the World's Biggest Costco (because we like wandering around not knowing where anything is and we like shopping somewhere where they have goat cubes) and Home Depot.  

I have been to Home Depot more times in the past few months than the rest of my life combined.  

And I'm not that young.

But we got the garage done

In an effort to always try to be a little bit of a drama queen, I had heat exhaustion on Friday.

I started early in the garage.  Mark joined me and then took a break for a job interview.  Adam worked from home and when he had a break, we all went to lunch.  Then I got back to work.  It was hot.  Not that hot, but sort of hot.  I didn't drink enough water. (I had stuff to do!) And my body is not very efficient.  I think I'm part lizard.  I struggle to get warm, once I'm cold and I don't really sweat when I'm hot.  (Too much information?)  My face turns beet red when I'm hot, which is...attractive...it must be said, but I don't sweat.  

Adam joined us in the late afternoon and we made great strides.  Once the garage was finally done, Adam said, "You need to go drink water and take a cool shower."  I did.  I felt OK.  And then I didn't.

I felt dizzy and nauseous and awful.  Adam said to drink more water and I didn't want to, but he insisted.  I sat in a chair and drank water and started to feel human again.  We had planned earlier to use a Dairy Queen gift card I had for our dinner (Mark was gone).  I didn't feel like eating, but I didn't want to wreck our plans.  (Narrator:  she would wreck the plans anyway.)

We drove to Dairy Queen and went inside.  I was feeling nauseous again so I told Adam I didn't want to eat.  He said I needed something, so I said to get me an ice cream cone.  By the time he'd ordered, I couldn't stand the food smell anymore so I went to the car.  Adam said he would get the food to go.  I texted him to eat his food before he came to the car because I didn't want to smell it.

What it comes down to is that I'm a lot of fun.

Adam came out with a melting cone tipped upside down into a cup.  I said I didn't want it.  He said I might feel better if I eat.  I said no.

Several times on the drive home, I wanted to ask Adam to stop so I could throw up on the side of the road.  Also, I really really didn't want to throw up on the side of the road.  We made it home and were going to watch Netflix, but then I lay on the bed and closed my eyes and said, "Never mind."

I woke up a little shaky and weak, but as Saturday progressed, I felt all better.  We took stuff to DI and to the dump on Saturday.  Every time I go in the garage, I feel happy.  It was long overdue and is a lot better.

What's a little heat exhaustion between friends? (not fun, that's what it is)

Grateful Friday

It's summertime!  It really feels like it now.  I am grateful for and looking forward to all the summer things.

Long evenings, s'mores, slow mornings, food cooked on the grill.

Yesterday when I got home from school, I started cleaning the garage.  Ambition is high and it isn't stupid hot yet, so I figured there was no time like the present.  I spent a few hours and still have many many more hours to go.

Although I will rope Mark into helping today because he isn't working and I know his currency.

Since I was already embarking on an overly eager project, I decided to start reading Gone With the Wind.  It's on my 100 Epic Reads of a Lifetime List and I'm reading all of them even if I've already read them.

It is 861 pages long, so here's to my zeal!

In late July, the air will be smoky and hot and all the gumption will have seeped away from me, so I'll celebrate now!

Shifting sands

People keep asking me if I'm enjoying summer.

Is it summer?  I've been in meetings every day since school has been out, but today is the last one.  Then I'm fully ready to embrace summer.  Project city and I'm the mayor.  

My brain is alive with lists and sublists.  I want to do all the things.  I keep adding stuff to the list.  What can I do now to make things easier later?  (I usually think future Thelma is sort of incompetent, which isn't really fair of me, but there you go.)  What can I do to be productive?  What can I do to calm the crazy?  How can I read all these books?!?

I haven't settled into a summer routine yet (because I am still at school in meetings) so I am in this weird in between place where I am making plans but not really executing them yet.  The sand is shifting under my feet, but that's OK.  I'll get there.

I am learning from Miriam and Janelle.  Miriam has never in the history of the world ever not been sunny and optimistic.  When she's stressed, she says enthusiastically, "Let's go!"

Janelle 100% trusts future Janelle.  She knows she has good ideas and she knows she will yet have good ideas.  She also keeps a stream of consciousness type list going that she may or may not look at again.  But she doesn't need to.  Future Janelle has it covered.

Kate met with us yesterday too and I loved having her there.  We miss not having her on our team.  She figured out stuff along with us and helped us make copies, sort, paper clip, repeat.  Also she knew how to make a copy of our google classrooms which is amazing.

The world needs everybody.

On the rock our mothers planted, for us in this goodly land

Yesterday was a full day of sitting in one chair.  That is the worst kind of day.  Except the speaker we had was great, so there's that.  He talked to us about resilience and trauma.  Some of it was heavy, but some of it was hopeful too.

I loved that I was with my people.  I ate lunch with third and first and kindergarten teachers.  It could have been any combination and I would have enjoyed it.  For a person who mostly feels anxious in new social settings and would rather be left alone than engage in small talk, I love that I'm at a point with my school friends that we've moved past small talk.

I also got to chat a few minutes with Jill who was my relief society president in my BYU freshman ward.  I love that I keep running into her.

I also loved that I texted Mark before driving home to see if he would take a walk with me.  He said yes.  It was compensation for sitting in one chair all day.

***

Here's another thing that happened yesterday.  I was feeling frustrated and discouraged about something that matters a lot to me, but also isn't the end of the world, if that makes any sense.

I remembered Monday.  I remembered Emily Street and Ellen Jorgensen.  I remembered Arvella Nelson and Margaret Livingston.

Their blood is in my veins.

They did really hard things.

I want to meet them someday (see them again in the case of my grandma with the brown eyes, Arvella).  I want to tell them that I knew their stories and drew strength from them.

So I'd better be strong.