Grateful Friday

 Yesterday my students worked on their self portraits.  It's a good first week activity to practice listening and following directions and routines.  I told them they could use colored pencils or crayons, no markers.  (Markers get a little crazy + I have skin toned colored pencils and crayons.)

One boy really wanted to use markers and he kept asking and I kept saying no.

When it was time to make their name tag that will accompany their portrait on the wall, I showed them a few variations of how they could make their name.  Then, I said, "But you can do it any way you want."

Of course, a few of them had follow up questions.  "Can I do rainbow colors?"

I said, "Yes, you can do whatever colors you want."

"Can I do two colors?"

"Yes.  Whatever you want."

More questions and I finally said, "Follow your heart."

The boy who wanted markers came up to me and said, "My heart really wants to use markers."

I told him too bad, not on this project.

We read the story Elmer.  It is about an elephant who is patchwork instead of gray and feels like he is a misfit, but then he realizes he is funny and all the animals love him.

To practice brainstorming, we gathered ideas about what made them unique.  I started by showing them how I can write backwards.  (Always a crowd pleaser for 8 year olds!)

At the end, I took a picture because I was so delighted by their ideas:

I am a lot less delighted by this marker I am using that is staining my board pink.... I will remedy that eventually.

All that aside, I am feeling grateful.  I am enjoying this class.  I love being a teacher.  I am grateful to feel healthy.  I am grateful for Mark being my buddy and helper and all the things.  I am grateful Adam is coming home today (!) and I'm grateful we are going to Nevada this weekend.

Both our dads have the same birthday, August 22.  I am grateful for both of them!

So far so good

 I can't help but compare the beginning of this year to the beginning of last year and there is truly no comparison.  Last year was so hard!  I was freaked out by cancer and getting all the (painful) diagnostic procedures/surgeries done.

And my class was a lot.  I got through by the skin of my teeth and with so much prayer!

Yesterday was just pleasant.  A boy shyly brought me this:

Another boy meekly came and told me at the beginning of the day that he didn't have a pencil.

I told him it was in the white basket inside his desk.

He went back to his desk and returned later to tell me he didn't have a pencil.

I went and looked in his desk and his desk was completely empty!  I don't know how I didn't notice that.  I felt sheepish for sending him back to his desk the first time.

The AC is working splendidly.  My students are sweet and well-behaved.  We had fun together and they were nervous, but I did manage to make a few of them laugh.  I read them two books. I can already see that some of them are really chatty, but nothing a little desk rearrangement can't fix, or at least temporarily fix.  Some kids will just chat with anyone.

At the end of the day a boy picked up his lunch bag and it wasn't after all his lunch bag (turned out it belonged to a first grader).  It was unzipped and there was a cascade of a barely touched pizza lunchable.  Basically there was grated cheese confetti.  Such a mess.  The boy felt really bad and apologized profusely.  He said, "I didn't realize it wasn't zipped up!"

I assured him it was OK.  A scatter of grated cheese at the end of the day is not too bad for collateral damage.

When I left school, I told Matt that without some of my friends from last year's class, I feel like I am on vacation.

He said, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch!"

And I guess that is good advice, but I am happy so far.

My throat is sore from talking so much, but that happens every year.  It takes about a week for my vocal cords to get accustomed to constant use.

I really wish I could talk to my mom.  I always used to check in with her about school and tell her about my first day.  She would always tell me that I was an amazing teacher and my students were so lucky to have me.  She never saw me teach, so she really has no idea what kind of teacher I am, but that's the kind of mother she was.  She always thought her kids were the best at anything we tried.  

I miss her.

Here we go!

 Today's the big day:  first day of school!  I am excited and a little nervous.  Mostly excited.  My class is so cute and I have everything shiny and new and I am ready.

Yesterday was finishing touches day.  They tested the fire alarms, they are still in the throes of the construction project so at one point, they gave us a five minute warning they were turning off the water and we all ran for the bathroom.  They worked outside all day cleaning off the blacktop outside my classroom which is where my students are supposed to line up.  Here's hoping they finished that!  We were supposed to email if our phones don't work and mine doesn't work, but I'm totally fine if it doesn't work.  When I am in the middle of teaching and someone from the office calls me, I usually ignore it anyway and they end up talking to me over the intercom.  

I don't know in what world you can turn your back on 3rd graders and just talk on the phone!

Riley thinks our Forever In Third Grade pictures look like we're memorializing third graders who died.  As in he asked, "Why do you have pictures of dead children on your wall?!?"

What?  Why would we do that?  Riley also makes up idioms that I would share just to give you the flavor of that guy, but they aren't exactly for polite company.

He is a character.  Yesterday I overheard him walking down the hall, telling his crew of custodians which teachers he likes and which teachers he doesn't like.  When he passed my room, he said, "I like Davis."

Friends, that was hard fought.

I had two to do lists, one I for sure for sure had to do yesterday and one that would be nice to get to.  I did everything on the first list and almost everything on the second list.

The biggest accomplishment of the day was that when a black pen exploded and I had a hand covered in ink, none got on my white pants.  A day of miracles.

Matt recommended we go to lunch with our teams, since it was our last day we could.  Alissa said, "Let's invite fifth grade."

I went to arrange the playdate and Caroline said, "OK, but don't invite anyone else."

I said, "So you're one of those people, huh?"

She said, "No, I didn't mean that.  I shouldn't have said that."

But it was just us who went to lunch together.  We went to Marley's and Lacey told us her engagement story that happened a few days ago and we compared notes on how everything was going.

At 2:00 we all convened for cake in Caroline's room because she made a cake (and she invited everyone because she isn't after all one of those people).  Three boys who are now in 7th grade, but who love Caroline because everyone does, knocked on her door and she let them in and they ate some cake too.

I think my takeaway is that being an elementary teacher is where it is at. 

You can have your cake and eat it too.

Back to school night

 Another back to school night in the books. 

I went home from school so very tired.  It takes a lot of energy to be that peppy.  And I am going to have to muster my strength because peppy is kind of the job....

We had faculty pictures, and trainings.  (Blue to the sky, orange to the thigh for the Epi pen.). Matt got us each a Swig.

I had a little time and spent most of it trying to obtain tax exempt status from Teachers Pay Teachers.  So many steps!  I spun my wheels trying to get the first week planned, because I was scattered.  I will do better with it today.  

One of the aides, who has been in my classroom many times, came into my room.  She looked around like she was seeing it for the first time.  She asked me about my summer and how I was doing and said things like, "It is cheerful and colorful in here" and "This is a nice room." It seemed she was stalling for something.

Finally, I said, "I have your grandson this year."

She looked relieved that I had broached the topic.  She then looked immediately worried.  "I guess you've heard all the nightmares about him?"

I said, "I haven't heard anything."

Then she looked even more relieved.  I said, "I'm glad he's in my class."

I only half listen when a second grade teacher tells me about a student.  If it says in the notes to ask the teacher more about them, I never do unless the year is well under way and I can't crack the code.  I think kids need a fresh start every year.

I had complete understanding for the grandmother checking out the lay of the land.  There is Mama Bear energy and then there is Queen Mother Mama Bear energy.  I understand how your grandchildren have your whole heart.

At last, it was time to go put on my dress for back to school night.

I swooped the hanger off the hook and in the process knocked a picture off the wall.  It is the picture of melted crayons that I made years ago.  It absolutely shattered, crayon pieces everywhere.  I gathered it all up and tossed it in the trash and went to the bathroom to change.  I felt sort of rattled. In line for the bathroom, I was chatting with Caroline and she was holding her dress and sandals and at that point, I realized I had forgotten my sandals.

My black tennis shoes with the pastel colorful dress I brought was really not the look I was going for.

I contacted Mark and with a little FaceTime, I was able to point out the shoes I wanted.  He brought them to me, like the angel he is. 

When Mark arrived, I was scarfing down some pizza the school had provided which was my lunch and dinner.  My mind was spinning about all the things.  I said, "I am a mess.  I need to calm myself down."

He said, "How about an eight second hug."  He gathered me in his arms and held on.  It really did help.

My students started arriving and they are so cute!  It is misleading at back to school night because they are all shy and tentative and quiet.  Soon enough half of them will be chatty chatty and/or whirling dervishes.  They are adorable though.  I wrote their name in cursive on the name tag (oooh ahhhh cursive!), they got to pick their desk and chair, (several parents cautioned me that they maybe shouldn't sit by their best friends and I told them not to worry), I gave them their friendship bracelets and "homework" which is a mystery bag/show and tell situation.  One dad very earnestly asked me if I would be teaching them cursive.  When I said yes, he acted like that was the most important part of my job.  I cautioned that I get them to the point they can read it, but it is up to them to practice it well, because we don't spend a ton of time on it.  He was still just so pleased I was teaching cursive.  Everyone has their priorities. Some of the parents were anxious and some of them were confident that they knew the drill.  I showed the students where to line up outside and they nodded solemnly.  When I told them I'd be outside tomorrow morning, they looked relieved.  Everyone wants to know where to line up!

It was exhilarating to meet them all.  I really love my job.

It was exhausting.  I went home a tired sack.  I slept and slept and I'm ready for a day of prep!

Weekend

 Done and dusted.  Literally, I dusted a lot.  Then cleaned with hot water and cleaner.

My classroom is ready to go.

Friday we had meetings all day in the library.  I sat by my team and Alissa and I weren't even snarky (Miriam is never snarky).  We did get the side eye from the presenter a few times because we were chatting a little bit from time to time.

We had an axe throwing activity at a place in Provo.  I think every one of us would have rather been in our classrooms, but Adam told me to have a good attitude and things like that are important.  So I tried my best to have a good attitude and to throw an axe at the target.  I was only successful at one of those and it was not throwing the axe.

Adam was right about it being a good thing though because the ESL coach is new to the school and I was in the same lane as her for axe throwing and I got to know her and I like her.

So hurray for team building activities (even if you'd rather be in your classroom, working).

Adam went back to my classroom with me in the evening to advise on the bulletin board that had been bugging me.  He said he thought it was fine and he wouldn't change it and I was just tired enough to agree with him.

Saturday morning I did some Saturday chores and Adam got all packed up.  Mark and I took him to the airport and he flew to England.  I felt melancholy about it.  I told him that good news, he would miss out on all my whining/hand wringing/anxiety surrounding the first day of the school.  He reminded me that we will talk on the phone, so I guess there is no escaping for that guy.

Mark and I stopped by my classroom with some plants I had forgotten to take Friday night when Adam and I had gone and I wiped off the wobble stools, which I had also forgotten to do.

It takes a village and several trips to get a classroom set up.

I had some bananas languishing on the counter so I decided to try my hand at gluten free banana bread.  I haven't made banana bread for years and I haven't baked too much of anything.  Gluten free took all the wind out of my baking sales.  As I popped the bread in the oven, I thought, I really do like to bake!  Maybe I need to broaden my horizons with gluten free things.  I texted Emma before I made the bread.  Whenever she bakes something for her book club or a friend or church gathering, she always makes it gluten free in case someone needs gluten free.  (Which is so kind, I think.)  She advised me to up the fat and leavening a little.

Going forward this week, I know that I will be very exhausted every night.  I had Mark help me figure out a menu.  I told him our limitations were: I anticipate being tired, I want it moderately healthy, he has taste like a toddler and it has to be gluten free.

He said, "Hey, I don't have taste like a toddler."

(He does.)

He said, "How about I make eggs and sausage and we can have green peppers and tomatoes on the eggs?"

I said, "Done."

I even told him I would chop the green peppers.

Sunday was a nice day.  I took a walk first thing, listening to the Follow Him podcast.  I went to church and a member of the stake presidency was there presiding because all of the bishopric was out of town.  People had so many questions for me.  Where are they all?  But their wives are all here?!?  Are they all at a meeting?

I said I couldn't speak for everyone, but Adam was in England.  Also, what kind of meeting would take them all away during church?  I don't know.

We played a hot potato game in primary and it went pretty well.  I come up with ideas and I am never sure how they'll go, but this one worked. 

I had arranged the chairs into a big circle and I happened to be sitting by two boys who are going into third grade this week.  My people.

Emma came over and we looked through pictures and finished sorting the second box of pictures I have.  Emma was good at helping me figure out what years they were from.  She came across a school picture of me from sixth grade.  She laughed and said, "This is awful!...Respectfully...."

I blame the 80s for the glasses, but I didn't know how to deal with my hair.  At all.  The pictures of Emma were so cute.  It really wasn't fair.

Emma said that it was because the pictures of her were little girl pictures; she said her 6th grade pictures weren't good either.  She said my little girl pictures would be cute.

Then we came across this.

I have always really hated having my picture taken.  Most of my little kid pictures are me crying.

We came across this one though!  A happy girl.

We have faculty pictures today.  I will try to channel the energy of that last picture.  Too bad I don't still have that dress.

Grateful Friday

Miriam made these signs for outside our classrooms and they crack us up every time we see them.  Third grade Thelma with the lace collar and tentative smile will be my companion all year.

It has been a hard week.  I have been exhausted and felt sick and felt stressed about being exhausted and sick.  How am I going to do this?!?

My classroom has come together.  It's all going to be OK.  I met with my team yesterday and it was a productive and validating meeting.  Over lunch we chatted about how hard this week has been.  It isn't just me!  I blame lymphoma, but this is truly just how it is.  There is so much to do and so much to think about and it wears you down.  (Having lymphoma and being in my 50s are not helping.)

We talked about all the facets of being a teacher.  

We need to organize the physical space + make it welcoming and appealing.  (This year we needed to do a lot of cleaning too.) 

We need to organize our schedule.  There never seems to be enough time.  I would happily have the day be one hour longer.  

We need to organize materials.  I can't tell you how many stacks of books/workbooks/packets have been delivered to my door.  I need to figure out what to do with it all.  

We need to think about the class procedures.  There are so many: class jobs, cleaning up, passing out papers, sharpening pencils...how are we going manage all of that?  

We need to get to know our students and establish a class culture.  

We need to encourage a growth mindset and make our classroom feel like a place where it is safe to make mistakes and where we respect each other.  That doesn't just happen.  

We need to manage behavior, including the students who have serious trauma and serious behavior challenges.  

We need to figure out what to do about the students that come to us with zero English.  

We need to figure out how to intervene with students who are struggling to master the work.

Finally, we need to, you know, plan the lessons to teach.  That seems like the main thing, and it is, but it can't happen without all the other stuff in place.  I am grateful to not be a first year teacher.  We've done all this before.  It is just slightly different every year: new curriculum, new schedules, new ideas for improvement so it is a sort of self inflicted mental load.

I am grateful for my team.  I am grateful that we're in this together.  We lean on each others' strengths and help each other.  We talk over and around each other and it gets chaotic, but we are doing it.  We will continue to do it!

I am grateful for the other teachers in the school.  I stopped by 4th grade.  I asked how they are doing.  Nicole said, "I feel pretty chill.  Maybe too chill.  It will probably hit me tomorrow."

Then she handed me the disclosure document I hadn't printed yet so I could make copies for third grade.  

I love being on the same side as these wonderful people, all working for the same cause.  We want to see each other succeed and it shows.

I am grateful for Adam and Mark keeping me going this week.  This morning I was outlining to Adam the bulletin board that I can't figure out.  It is more of an information/graphic design question than just decorating.  I feel confident that I could make a cute bulletin board that I would like.  I get flummoxed when I am trying to design information in a way that is easy to understand and also doesn't look like a crazy person did it. 

Right now, it looks like a crazy person did it.

Adam told me that he would come to my classroom tonight and help me.  He is really good at that kind of thing.  I told him that if he had told me that at 3:00 AM, I would have gone back to sleep instead of trying to figure it out.

(Why am I like this and also I am grateful for Adam!)

I am grateful that it rained a lot yesterday.  A real downpour.  After, we opened up the windows and the air was glorious.  The sky was also pretty glorious.

I am grateful that I'm not getting a bone marrow biopsy before the first day of school.  I don't need to schedule surgery and a CT scan and a PET scan.  I just need to teach school.

That is something enormous to be grateful for!

Here we are

 I don't want to listen to my body.

I don't want to conserve energy so I don't overdo.

Basically, I don't want my current reality.

Yet, here we are.

I went to school yesterday for a whopping 3 hours and then I was completely spent.  I had pushed too hard the day before.  I went home in defeat and texted Adam that I was taking to the bed.  I did nothing all afternoon and then went to my hair appointment.  It was a frustrating day.

I do feel better this morning.  I slept pretty well and I am hoping for better things.

You know the story about the man in the flood who is praying for help.  Boats and a helicopter come and he says, "No, God will save me."

Then he dies and in heaven, he asks God, "Why didn't you save me?!?"

God points out that he sent boats and a helicopter.

Mark is my boats and a helicopter.  I could not do this without him.  He is cheerful (as long as you let him listen to music) and works hard and is very capable.  He built my new IKEA shelf without even using the instructions.  He climbed on a ladder (that he carried into the school) to reach the high stuff and put the desks in place and is just altogether awesome.  I am very grateful for him.

It will come together and I will learn (and accept!) what I can expect of my post chemo/ current immunotherapy body.  And I will have boats and a helicopter all along the way.

Short

 I am feeling at once like I'm in pretty good shape and that I am in trouble.

Mark and I went to my classroom yesterday and cleaned a lot of really dirty stuff.  We arranged desks and chairs and rehung things and moved things and then moved them again.  I was getting to the point that I really just needed to make a list and get myself together.  Mark went home and I stayed at the school.  I made a list and hung up bulletin boards and organized drawers.  I first located my calendar (took a while) and then hung it up.  May Thelma stashed a lot of stuff in places that August Thelma has to locate.  It all seems like it is coming together moderately well.

The problem was that I hit a wall and I hit it hard.  I decided to do stuff that I could do seated at my desk.  I still was so tired.  Finally I gave up and texted Mark to come and get me early.

He encouraged me as he drove me home.  He said, "Just think about how things were last year and you did that!  You can do it!"

I don't know.  Teaching is hard and tiring work and I just got wiped out from a bit of set up.  (It was pretty hard work too though.)

I will need to 1) keep praying for help 2) take my fatigue and energy level into account 3) just do my best.

My best keeps coming up short in my own estimation, but I'll keep trying.

Weekend

We went to the funeral of Adam's aunt Jeri on Friday.  It was nice to get together with some family and remember this colorful and loving woman who it was impossible not to love back.  Mark had a test so he didn't go, but Emma went with us and we enjoyed spending some time with her.  

Before dropping Emma off, we had pizza at Settebello in Salt Lake City.  It is one of our favorite pizza restaurants around here.  I am still thinking about the pizza I had.  Peaches and pistachio pesto, burrata and almonds.  It was so good.

Friday night the school stress dreams showed up in force.

I dreamt:

• my classroom had pools of wax on the floor and zero furniture
• teachers were banging on Matt's office door to get answers and he refused to open the door
• I went back to my classroom and it had furniture, but it was all mismatched and broken and I couldn't find my kiva
• suddenly it was back to school night and all the parents and children were coming
• it was the first day of school and it was complete bedlam and I didn't have anything planned or ready

So, typical August teacher dreams.  It all stems from will I be ready?!? Mark and I are going today and I will start the process of getting ready.  I don't have as much time as I usually do (usually I start earlier), but hopefully having Mark there will help make up the difference.

There was a bunch of cotton crochet thread in my mother's things.  None of us wanted it, so I was going to take it to DI.  

Then I remembered friendship bracelets.  Maybe that could be a fun activity at our upcoming reunion for some?  I got the idea to make friendship bracelets for my students for back to school night.  I tried my hand on Saturday morning and just like with knitting and crocheting, I'm pretty bad at it.  It's a tension problem.  I tie the knots too tight and instead of a bracelet, I end up with a double helix.  I realized that just braiding them was a better option, so that's what I'm doing for my students.  

Saturday night I dreamed about my mom.  She was walking toward me and she looked healthy and happy and I hugged her.  I also dreamed I was holding a baby and she was sitting next to me.  It was good to see my mom.  It makes me happy every time I think about the dreams.  It makes me feel like she's not that far away.

I was happy to go to church in our ward (I've been elsewhere for over a month) and I led the singing in primary.  It is fun even though the children look at me like I might be crazy and I had the words completely wrong in one of the songs.  It's a nice reality check to keep me humble I guess.

I talked to Braeden and Anna and family.  I asked QE about church and Braeden prompted, "Ask Nana about her church."  She spun her head in his direction and asked, "Is it Sunday everywhere?"  I love seeing her figure out the world.  I also got to see the Young Prince and admire his sitting up ability.

Emma was under the weather so she didn't come over.  At times like that she texts and asks if it is OK if she doesn't come.  I want to text back no, she has to come.  I like it when she comes.  We soldiered on without her though.  After our Come Follow Me Lesson, we played a game and then I roped them into helping me finish off the bracelets.  Mark said he didn't know how to braid (someone didn't play with Barbie's and it shows) and since he's color blind, he didn't want to pick colors for the bracelets.  I would decide the colors and he cut the threads and then I braided.  (The missionaries stopped by so Adam started cutting thread, but then was busy with them.)

I now have 31 bracelets (I aimed for 30 and Adam wanted to make one after the missionaries left).  I don't think I'll have that many students, but I wanted them to be able to choose.

So I have exactly one thing ready for school to start next week and it is friendship bracelets.  I don't know whether to laugh or cry about that.  Hopefully after today I'll be in a lot better shape.

Grateful Friday

 I am grateful I got to have lunch with Stephanie on Wednesday.  She was in Utah and we spent about three hours talking, laughing, crying, looking at pictures of each other's grandchildren and talking some more.  She handed me a bottle of blackberry jam and she said, "I picked the blackberries a few days ago."

I love everything there is to love about female friendship.

I am grateful for my photo project.  I love seeing the pictures and remembering and getting my sibling to help me remember.

I am grateful for my children because they don't just carry heavy stuff.  They are also entertaining to me.

A few days ago the conversation on our family group chat became this as a result of a story in a NYTimes that listed dirty soda in a list of 25 items that represent America.  

So in case you were worried about missing out on the nonsense, there you have it.  I'm glad those kids are mine, even Braeden, the fourth most important and unpopular export of Utah.

I am grateful for Adam's aunt Jeri.  We are going to her graveside and memorial service today.  She has always been impeccably kind to me and she took Adam's dad to church when he was a little kid.  Aunt Jeri matters to us.

I am grateful for my parents.  Today is their anniversary.  Fifty-six years ago today, they were married in the Salt Lake Temple.  I am grateful to be part of their family forever.  

Big scary

 Overdramatic title, but ugh.

I have been getting intense emails from school with everything bolded and hyperlinked and italicized and highlighted.  So much to do, none of it fun. It is all squashes the summer vibe in big ways.

How many times do you have to do blood borne pathogen and data security training before you are considered all trained up?

Apparently more than what I've done.

I have 5 1/2 hours of district training that is now available for me.  Yesterday Thelma, bless her heart, was wishing I had access to it so I could do it now when I can't get into my classroom anyway.

Today Thelma wishes I still didn't have access to it.  I don't actually want to do it is the problem.

I am excited to meet my students.  My team and I have sent MANY texts back and forth narrowing in on our team t-shirts because we have priorities.  I am excited to set up my classroom and you know, teach.

I'm not excited for the emails.  For example, this was from my principal attached to the big email from the district:

An email like this feels par for the course any other time during the school year.  During August, it feels like an affront.  1) I was just enjoying a nice carefree little summer and 2) I am busy OK?  

These team t-shirts aren't going to pick themselves.

Foreboding emails with to do lists aren't the only scary things afoot.  Yesterday Kim had a migraine so didn't walk with me.  I decided to branch out and walk on the street instead of up on the hill.  I saw a house that I decided was haunted (seriously I am going to have Adam drive by with me to validate me) and I was walking a ways behind a woman and her dog.  They walked through a puddle (made by sprinklers, we don't have natural puddles this time of year!).  The dog had footprints leading away from the puddle and the woman did not, so I can only assume she was a ghost.

Perhaps I missed having a walking buddy to keep my imagination in check....

The walking along the street does have its charm though.  I passed a couple having a heated conversation about bacon.  As I walked by I heard the man say, with great animation, "There is no need to slap six slices of bacon on.  Put one piece on and you are good."

I also saw a man, in a Lexus, driving slowly with a leash out the window and a dog trotting along beside him.

I wonder what he tells the other dogs about the life he leads.

Mark

Marianne called me yesterday to wish me a happy anniversary.  We talked about taking a couples trip to Hawaii sometime.  I told Mark about it and he said, "That sounds like something I wouldn't be invited to."

He is not wrong.

Not being invited on the trip withstanding, I like having Mark around.  It isn't always easy to talk him into things, but it helps if lunch is involved.

Yesterday we went to lunch and then to the Provo Library book sale.  His job was to carry books.  I also told him I'd buy him whatever he wanted.  We had lunch and went to the sale armed with two grocery bags.  I filled mine and he put one book in his.  (It reminded me of Blueberries for Sal, except I didn't lose him.)

I traded bags with him (after I put his book in the filled bag).  There were kids stationed against the wall, reading books while their mothers browsed.  After a while, when Mark told me he was finished looking, I directed him to go sit against the wall and he did with the two full bags.

When I finally decided enough was enough, I went to get Mark.  Next to him, a woman was sorting through her selections and told her daughter, "I'm going to go put these back."  Her daughter asked why and she said, "I looked at the picture of books I have at home and I already own these."

Pro move.  I was impressed.  

But then Mark carried both of my heavy bags and I felt like that was kind of a pro move too.

When we got home, I stacked the books on the table.  The spoils:

The three books on the left were Mark's.

Besides that, we've added yoga to our daily.  On the first day, we kept saying, "This is hard," to each other.

I said, "I think I'm dying."

He said, "Yes, me too."

At dinner we told Adam about it and Mark told him, "If you come home and see us both keeled over on the floor, you will know it was from Yoga with Adriene."

We'll get better.  You gotta start somewhere.

31 years

 Last year on this day, Adam and I checked into a swanky hotel in San Antonio.  I was joining him for a business trip.  There were indications of cancer, but no diagnosis yet.  Adam didn't have his crazy new job that keeps him busy + stressed + frequenting the friendly skies.  My mom was still with us.

It has been quite a year and also even if I knew everything on the horizon, I wouldn't have been surprised that Adam would stay steady and keep me more or less upright.  

I am grateful to have gone another year around the sun with him.

If you aren't part of a group chat with me, you can count yourself lucky because I have been sorting through photographs and texting pictures of pictures with varying degrees of quality to my family members.  

There are a whole stack of photos from our wedding.

Those fresh faced kids!

It is wild to me that we own this place now.

That is my grandpa casually chatting with someone on the far left.  My cousins are on the porch.  It looks like Brian is saying something that Jason (Adam's friend) finds funny and it looks like Geri is telling him to get it together.  I love this picture.  I love that place.  I love those people.

As much as I am blessed to have Adam as a husband, we are blessed to have these parents.

Speaking of parents, this is my mom and me in my grandparents'/now our kitchen.

I hope my mom knew, despite me acting to the contrary at times (I was a lot that summer), that I really appreciated everything she did to make our wedding lovely.  

If there's a way for her to access my blog in heaven (and if there's a way, I know she's reading), thank you for everything.  Seriously, everything.

Weekend

 My brain is ricocheting between many things:  

I am looking forward to school starting.  I am thinking about reading centers and my classroom and back to school night and the first week of school.  

I am coming to terms with this being my last week of summer vacation and I didn't do all the things on my lofty to do list.  (Maybe this week?)  

I am remembering last year at this time and the pull-the-rug-out-from-under-you cancer diagnosis.  Sometimes I successfully don't think about it.  Sometimes I successfully think about it with a degree of equanimity.  Sometimes when I think about the future, I wonder if the future I think I have planned will be a reality.  I try to stop myself from freaking out too much.

I felt pretty well on Friday--mostly just tired.  Saturday and Sunday, I felt worse.  It is hard to come to terms with.  It is hard to keep myself from thinking that life as I've known it is over and I'm just going to be sick or worse.  Adam helps me.  He is ever and always my ballast.

I am missing my mom.  I turned the calendar page to August, the calendar she made for all of us.  August is a picture of our family at the Elko Temple open house.  My mom was there.  My mom loved the temple and loved us.  How is she not here with us?  I want to talk to her.  Olivia does talk to her, but I cry too much.  I guess the best that I can do is try to be like her.  

I have a fat package of pictures from my mom.  This picture stopped me in my tracks.

My mom and both grandmas are working on my wedding quilt.  In this picture I see three women who loved each other.  I see three women with vast and varied talents who served whenever and wherever they were asked.  I see three incredibly hard working women who made a difference and a contribution in the world.  I think what matters most to me about all of that though, is how they made me feel.  They loved me and I never once doubted that.  They were always on my side.  I see this picture and I have so many aspirations.

The influx of new photographs started me on a whole plan for a big project.  Adam said, "You have one week of summer left.  Why are you starting a big project now?"

Hello, have we met?

I told Emma about the project, which was to digitize every picture in the house, get rid of photo albums and make Snapfish books.  Get organized once and for all and really mean it this time.

She said, "But I want photo albums.  I want real photos."

I asked Mark and he said he didn't really care either way.

I asked Adam and he said, "You have one week of summer left.  Why are you starting a big project now?"

I asked Braeden and he liked my idea of Snapfish books.

I called Marianne, sure that she had all of this figured out.  She was hiking to Boulder Lake, but still took my call.  She told me she didn't have it all figured out.  The nerve of some big sisters....

My children are going to be the ones to inherit the hot mess that is my photos, so if Emma wants photos, I'll keep photos.  For now, I am sorting through the photos I have and I will make decisions later about each category (some of them are duplicates because they are pictures I mailed my parents from Connecticut).  Probably what will happen is that I will get busy with school and abandon ship and leave the disheveled photos to flounder.

Adam has in fact met me.

Speaking of Adam, he was looking for something in his office on Saturday and came across some letters (written on Denny's order tickets because I worked there that summer) that I wrote to him the week before we got married 31 years ago.

He started reading them aloud to me and we both got a little teary.  He said, "I feel like we should be sitting next to each other."  We moved to the couch and he kept reading and we both cried.

What an enormous blessing it is in my life to have Adam.  I wrote in my letters how much I loved him and I didn't even know all the things about him yet.  I didn't know how he would be as a father or how he would take care of me when I was sick or how he would be patient with me when I am 1) dreaming up unreasonable projects or 2) spinning out of control.  He's a gem and I am lucky.  That is all.

Going through photos led to a line of questioning on WhatsApp that never did get any answers.  This photo of a mystery baby was in my stack of photos.

Tabor thought it was Enoch, but he couldn't be sure without the beard.  Enoch thought it was Tabor, but he couldn't be sure without the handlebar mustache.  Ammon said we would know better than he would how he looked at that age.

Olivia rightfully pointed out that Enoch was a December baby and there was no way he would be wearing short sleeves with our mother at the helm.  

I think it's Ammon, born in July although still wearing socks (again, my mom).

My dad had no idea.  

I'll leave it for Emma (the one who likes photos).

Besides all of that, I was mostly down and out during the weekend.  Friday was an easier day than Saturday and Sunday.  I'm ready for the uphill climb though.  On to better things!