Update

The mealworms:  They are still alive. As a class, we put them in a terrarium (also ordered by Janelle).  I'm going to have Miriam babysit (worm sit?) them when I'm gone.

Sub plans:  Creating sub plans is much harder than being at school.  I have to spell out everything and plan stuff that will work and minimize the crazy.  I have to weigh how much to have them participate in the quirky behavior plans I have going.

The weather:  Man, it's cold!  We're not used to it.  I had recess duty yesterday and I wore my warmest coat and I was still a little chilly.  There were some little kids in hoodies.  Some of them "can't find" their coat, some of them didn't want to bring their coat, some of them don't have a coat.  I told them all to tell their teachers if they needed a coat.  The school has coats!  We played the game I always instigate when they're cold and gather around me.  We play like we're penguins.  We put the little penguins in the middle to make them warm and we huddle together.  Then I have them switch places so everyone gets a turn being the little penguins.  I do that until recess is over and we're all out of our misery.

(It's not a very fun game.)

Anna had a little lamb:

 I'd be happy if that little lamb followed me to school one day, even if it was against the rules.

Weekend

Friday we figured out our travel plans for the funeral and I met with my team to figure out school stuff.  We stay on track with our lesson plans and when one person is gone it affects everyone.  They were unsurprisingly generous and helpful in figuring it all out.

We also poked holes in the tops of the little cups where the mealworms are living so they can breathe.  Miriam said, "If they don't make it, I'll have to go to the pet store."

If my mealworms don't make it, we're going to pretend it never happened.

We went straight from work to MOD.  There were 8 of us who had dinner together.  We talked about Relief Society and Disneyland and how we notice school children everywhere.  We talked about the election.  I am old enough to be their mother for some of them, but they are still my friends.

We went to this tiny little theater in Lehi.  If I had driven past it, I never would have noticed it was a theater.  There were 14 teachers and the PTA president there supporting Courtney, along with two husbands.  We were blown away by the show.  It was so good!  The quality was amazing.  The staging and costumes and TALENT were top notch.  Courtney played Jack's mother and we giggled at how familiar some of her scowls and stressful looks were.  We see each other at our kindest and we see each other when we are at the end of our ropes and that is the truth.

This is Miriam's long armed selfie before the show:

Miriam, Lauren, Kim, Julie, Me, Janelle, Emily's husband?, Emily.  Peaking through the back row are Shay and Karla

Afterward, Emily's husband took a picture of us.  The light made our faces look freaky and I wouldn't say it was a flattering picture of any of us.  I made it black and white because then at least we all look human!  I love the picture though because I loved the night!

Sarah, Julie, Shay, Karla, Miriam, Me, Lauren
Nicole, Laura, Courtney, Janelle, Hannah, Lacey and Emily 
(not shown were Kim and Tiffany)

Saturday I woke up to an eerie diffused orange light.

I took a picture that of course didn't do it justice:

I snapped the picture when I went out to get the cushions near the fire pit.  Times were changing!  It's been really warm.  The city shut off the secondary water and it was still warm enough that our poor lawn suffered.  Those brown spots pain Adam.

It started raining around noon and rained all day and into the night.

Braeden sent some pictures because he loves us.

There have been pictures of people with Raelyn in circulation and I sent this one today:

I also sent this because I knew my political scientist would like it:

He did:

I actually also voted because I want the Alpine School District Bond to pass.  It's weird to have an election have an impact on my job.  If Orem succeeds in breaking away from the Alpine School District, that will really matter to me.  It makes me nervous.

Sunday morning, Adam's flight was arriving at 8:40.  I was convinced I would wake up in the 6:00 hour, get ready for church and leave at 8:00 to pick him up.

Narrator:  She was wrong.

Having slept for ten hours, I woke up at 8:10!  I staggered around getting some clothes on.  I was tying up my shoes at 8:20 when Adam texted that he had landed early.

Wife. Of. The. Year.

Despite my recalcitrant airport pickup, I was very glad to have Adam home.  He had had about 1/3 of the sleep I had so I felt guilty every time I yawned.  Getting him to take a nap in the afternoon was sort of like getting a toddler to take a nap, but I succeeded.

Emma came over and we had a nice time together.  The kids rehearsed a song they are going to sing at Raelyn's funeral.  There will be nothing easy about next weekend.  Geri asked me to lead the singing and I am going to employ my dad's trick and take off my glasses so I can't see anyone.  It may tame the tears.

When we FaceTimed with Eleanor (and her parents), she was sitting in her high chair picking up tiny bits of pasta and eating them.  She's growing up so much!

Braeden sent this:

And I sent back this:

Our weather changed from summer to winter overnight.

And last night, I had a terrible time falling asleep.  After such a deliciously long sleep, I think my body was ready to be awake.

My children would tell me that I am afraid of success on some level.  Sigh.

I'm off to school to see if the mealworms survived.  I'm giving them a 50% chance.

Grateful Friday

There's always something to be grateful about.

I'm grateful for my very kind friends.

I'm grateful that a whole group of us are going to watch Courtney in "Into the Woods" tonight.  She is playing Jack's mom.  I suggested we go to dinner first.  Then Janelle came in my classroom and said, "Our dinner group has grown exponentially."

I said that was fine.

Some wanted to go to Wallaby's which is a BBQ place and Miriam said, "Um...."

She's way too polite to say anything else, but she and her husband are in serious national BBQ competitions and they cater BBQ meals and their pulled pork is the best I've ever had so I can see why she would balk at Wallaby's.

We decided we'd go to Mod Pizza.  Nobody doesn't love Mod.

I'm grateful for my third grade team.  I'm grateful for the ways they stretch me.  Janelle dropped off mealworms and tulip bulbs and a terrarium for me yesterday.  It was my turn to say, "Um...."

Janelle is a creative person, always coming up with new ideas, and not afraid to do things like order mealworms for us.

(I'm intimidated.  Squirming worms that I need to keep alive?!?)

I'm grateful Mark is home with me.  Adam is traveling again this week and it is nice to have Mark around.  

I'm always grateful for pictures of this little one.

I love how she's just casually leaning on one elbow to look at books, like the queen of all things that she is.  

Braeden told me she pulled herself up to stand.  She's going places!

You honestly, literally, never know

I am still walking through a fog of grief.  It emerges in tears sometimes, like yesterday when an unwitting aide, who I don't even know that well, came to tell me she was sorry.

Later, Jamie came in to hug me and we cried a little too.  Janelle brought me a cookie and a condolence card.  I work with the nicest people.

Besides that, besides being blindsided by all of that, there are just wacky things that happen in a day at school.

Yesterday we were in the middle of math; they were doing a test.

A guy walked in from the district.  My cabinets were ready to be installed.  (I knew it was happening some time this week, but I had no indication of when.  Luckily I had already emptied all the drawers and cupboards.)

So amidst the squirrelly children who can't really sit still and not get distracted anyway, they started disassembling my cabinets.  During math.  It was fine.

There was sawing and drilling and then there was a horrible sulphur stench.  There was all the mildew of the rotten cabinets being unearthed.  There was a ton of dust.

During math.

I opened the outside door and the hall door for some fresh air.  We soldiered on.  I sent them to recess a little early.

During recess I went to the library and asked Pam, the librarian, if she was having classes come in or if we could decamp there.  She said we could.  We packed up computers and phonics books and pencils and headed to the library.  It didn't really go that well.  I ended up just reading to them for the last 15 minutes.  Then we had our regularly scheduled library time and then lunch.

When I got back to the classroom, the workers were gone.  Were they coming back?  Ever?

It was unclear.

It looked like this + a thick layer of dust everywhere.

On the one hand, they will be so great!  Clean and sturdy and not water damaged!  The doors may even close!

On the other hand, did it have to be so ugly?  That is not real wood, but a plastic-y laminate.  As such, it could have been any color.  Did it have to be a pinky orange that matches literally nothing in the entire school?  Also, that light wood is the underside of the countertop.  The countertop is gray.  It doesn't look so great next to the cabinets but they (obviously) didn't ask me.

Sigh.

Beggars can't be choosers.

One of my students asked me if I had to pay for the new cabinets with my own money.  Thankfully no.

Also yesterday I got a text from my cousin Jessica who lives in Texas.  She said she and her mom were driving through and had some stuff for me.  She wondered the best way to get it to me.  I told her the school was way closer to the freeway than my house so they brought it there.  It was after school by the time they got there.  I met them outside and hugged my aunt Jennifer and Jessica.  I was so happy to see them and it was an unexpected gift to stand outside my school in the afternoon sunshine and chat with them for a few minutes.  They had a box of memorabilia of my grandparents'.  Jennifer said that since I got the house, I am keeper of the memories.  I told her that was a lot of pressure.  

My classroom was a hot mess and I was going to tidy up before I went home but there was nowhere to put anything in the construction site, so I just left.

When I got home, Mark and I talked and cried a little and hugged some more (I think he may be our child that is struggling the most, but also he is the only one I live with so I don't know).  Then we looked through the box from Jennifer.  

There are pictures of the burned brick house.  It reminds me of the sturdy resilience of my grandparents.

Their blood is in my veins.  With that, I will continue.  Even if the workers show up again.  During math.

Fall Break

First of all, let's hear it for my delusions.  I took three books to read and my cross-stitch so I'd have something to do.

We mostly worked really hard with some lovely breaks.

My delusional self didn't realize how dirty the house would be.  There were thick layers of construction dust and no-one-has-lived-in-this-house-for-years dust.

We cleaned and cleaned and cleaned.

We didn't have any furniture besides a bed, so I just kept going.  There was no place to sit down.

I got over 12,000 steps every day; on Saturday I got almost 15,000 steps on my fitbit.

I took lovely walks with my sisters.  It was like walking through calendar pages, it was so beautiful.

When I dusted this picture of my grandparents and hung it back on the wall where it was when we bought the house, I considered how much I want Eleanor to know about them.

On Saturday we had cleaned everything enough to bring in the pedestal table from the garage.  The table had been in the house originally.  It had been in the brick house before it burned.  There is some debate over whether or not it was in the house when my grandparents purchased the ranch. 

I have always loved the table.

My aunt Jennifer inherited it, but gave it back to us because "it belongs there."  I am still astounded by that generosity.  She sent it from Oklahoma with my cousin and his wife last summer.

We assembled it and put it where it belongs.

Tables are magical.  

Thursday night we ate dinner with Olivia and Edgar and Robert (Marianne wasn't home).  She invited us and it is always exciting to be invited to their house for Mexican food.  Edgar knows his stuff.  

Friday we ate at Betaso's (a Mexican-American but, delightfully, a tiny bit Chinese, restaurant) with Marianne after watching Marcos and Ruben in their cross-country race and then Saturday she had us over for lunch too.

Saturday night we had my parents for dinner on their way home from the hospital.  It was a very subpar dinner compared to what Olivia and Marianne had served us, but we can't all.  And some of us don't.

Sitting around a table is the thing though.  That's what I remember more than the food.

Sunday morning, our weekend took a turn.  Adam's brother, Brian, called him.  He told him that our sweet niece, Raelyn, had been killed as an innocent victim in an unexpected tragedy.  I think Adam and I were in shock.  We irrationally decided that we wouldn't tell Mark because "maybe it wasn't true."

We didn't want it to be true.  And we wanted to spare Mark the pain.  But that's not really possible.

I said, "We should drive to Seattle."  I said, "We should go back to Utah and fly there."

Tickets were nearly $1000.

Adam said, "I want to go to church."

So we did.

His mom called on the way and Adam talked to her rather than put the call over the car speaker.  He hung up the phone and Mark said, "What is going on?"

So we told him.

In sacrament meeting, I looked over and my sweet boy who never cries had tears dripping off his face.

We left after sacrament meeting and called the other kids.  Mark left quickly to be with Emma and Adam and I hastily got packed up to go back to Utah too.  We are staying the course for now and will make plans to go to Seattle when we know about the funeral arrangements.

We talked to family throughout the day.  We offered words of love and consolation and testimony and it all felt hollow.  It is devastating to lose someone you love.

I'm grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  As sad as I feel, my faith sustains me.  I picture Raelyn's spirit, free from any challenges she had in her mortal life, being welcomed by her beloved Grandpa Linn.  I can hear the excitement in her voice, "Grandpa!"

I know that Heavenly Father loves Raelyn.  I know He loves her grieving family.  I know this isn't the end for any of us.  

I know my heart hurts.

Raelyn, Emma and Talia

I keep thinking about Linn and Geri and the magic they created for their grandchildren.  Those kids love each other and have a shared history of fun with their grandparents.

I keep thinking about the way Raelyn loved everyone and how everyone loved her.  She was a unifier.  She was glue that held us together and spice that added interest.

I love this picture, taken last month, of her holding Eleanor.

That pure smile on Raelyn's face is how I will always remember her.

It's Wednesday!

Wednesday is more exciting when it is the week of fall break.  No school until Tuesday (although I have to be there Monday).

Adam and I are going to Starr Valley to stay in our house, which is very exciting to us.  It is move in time (kind of-we don't have much furniture).  I've gathered things like toilet paper and cleaning products as we take baby steps to set up a new household.  It is very much a work in progress but I am really looking forward to spending some time in the neighborhood and spending some time with Adam in a place where we don't even have internet yet. 

Which doesn't even begin to cover how much I love that specific spot of the planet.  I was remembering when I was a little girl in primary and they did a "Who's Who in Primary" every week (complete with a picture of an owl which I thought was exceptionally clever.  One week, the person spotlighted was me and they said, "This person loves to play in a tree house in an orchard."

I marveled about how they even knew that.  (I didn't realize they had, you know, asked my mom.)

My grandparents' orchard was magical to me in every season.  Adam balked at calling it an orchard because he grew up in Washington where orchards are vast fields of orderly trees.  It is a hillside of aged fruit trees, but it's an orchard to me.

When I think of Eleanor playing in a spot where my dad once played, I get a little misty eyed, so I'll just stop.  I have got to get ready for school.

Speaking of my dad, my mom is in the hospital with hemolytic anemia, seemingly unrelated to her cancer.  She is awaiting a blood transfusion and has super rare blood.  (Yesterday I was fully prepared to just get a sub and go give her blood, but my blood doesn't work.)  Adam and I went to visit my parents last evening.  Even in the hospital, hooked up to IV and enduring yet another medical hurdle, my mom is her strong and faithful self.  She is kind to the nurses and everyone around her.  She is a little bit feisty (because she is who she is).  She has always been a beacon of faith and a producer of confidence.  I have always valued that feistiness, partly because it is often directed at protecting and lifting her children and grandchildren.

My dad is sitting steadily by her side, as always.  Their relationship makes me grateful I had the good fortune of marrying Adam.  My mom and dad have always been something to aspire to.

I talked to my dad before we came to the hospital.  I asked him if I could bring him anything.  "Are you bored? Do you need snacks?

He said, "I'm fine."

And even though he hates cities and hospitals (because who doesn't hate hospitals?), I think he is also pretty much fine.  He is where he wants to be, by my mom's side.

And that is about the best gift he could give our family.

Weekend

Friday I wore a Mariners t-shirt to school (Friday you can wear jeans and a t-shirt and I can't tell you how it positively affects me).

Eleanor was also wearing a Mariners shirt.  She's probably their cutest fan.

In the faculty lounge, while I was heating up my lunch, Laura, a 2nd grade teacher, talked to me about the Mariners.  Her husband is also a big fan so we are fans by marriage.  (I never watched a single baseball game before marrying Adam.)

Both our husbands grew up in the Seattle area and are very excited that the Mariners are in the playoffs after 21 years.  Every summer for the past 21 years, Adam has mapped out a way that the Mariners could make it to the playoffs.  He figures out who needs to win and who needs to lose to make it possible.  He is not what you would call a fair weather fan.

Shelley, the art teacher, asked, "What sport are you even talking about?"

Tiffany, a kindergarten teacher, told me that her husband is a big football fan so he is bugged by baseball still being on TV.

Usually we talk about school teacher stuff in the faculty lounge, but here we were, talking about sports.

The Mariners won their game on Friday and on Saturday, Adam was keeping track of it while we were doing all the things.  The Mariners were losing. Down by seven.

I was upstairs, folding laundry, and Adam was working on church stuff.  He checked the score and yelled up the stairs, "They are tied in the 8th inning!"

Mark and Adam and I gathered around the TV in the basement to watch the end of the game.  We were texting with Braeden, who was watching with Eleanor. 

The Mariners won!  It was very exciting.  Adam and Mark couldn't sit down.  They were pacing behind the couch.  As soon as they won, Adam called Braeden.  

I asked Adam what the next stage was for the Mariners.  He said, "They play Houston."

I said, "Oh."

Even when you are a fan only by marriage, you know that that doesn't bode well.

Grateful Friday

Earlier this week Miriam had a sub.  During lunch, I was eating in my classroom and her sub was not.  I heard a handful of boys in her room, playing.  They were definitely supposed to be outside and not playing inside the classroom, unsupervised.  I sent them packing and one of them was just the slightest bit defiant and tried to stand his ground.  Since he is 8 and I'm not, he went outside.  I can usually outlast a student who is trying to get away with something.  

Yesterday, Miriam and I were on recess duty.  She was a PE teacher before being a third grade teacher and she also played basketball at UVU.  She is athletic.  She was tossing a football back and forth with this same student.  Perfect spirals going back and forth.  

The boy looked at me, gesturing with his face like Hispanic boys can--I think it's somewhere in their DNA.  "Hey Teacher," he yelled, "Can you catch?"

It felt like a challenge.

It felt intimidating.

It felt like I was in PE again, picked last and uncoordinated.  Because...I can't catch.

He tossed me the ball.  A perfect spiral through the warm sunshine.

I caught it.

And that, my friends, is something to be grateful about.

Miriam went to deal with another student so I found myself playing catch.  After a few tosses back and forth, I had apparently risen in his estimation enough that he thought I was ready to run a play.  He said, "OK Teacher," and he walked up next to me.  He traced a line on the football and said, "I'm going to run this way, and then I'm going to zig."

All of this is to say, you go to school and you just never know what the day is going to bring.

Update

Well, the new class dojo thing is working!  Yesterday was a much better day!

Adam is home and he brought me lunch yesterday.  It was a different experience for him being in the school when all the little ones are there.  I loved seeing him in the middle of the day.

Mark watches the same video of Eleanor every evening.  He smiles and laughs while he watches her.  She is a much adored cutie.  That is all.

I talked to Emma.  She is loving Ireland.  I love hearing about her good times and seeing the gorgeous pictures she texts.

A lot of teachers went to a park in Orem to take a picture to show solidarity against Orem splitting off from Alpine School District.  There's been misinformation that teachers are in favor of the split and I don't know of one teacher who is in favor of it.  Here's why:  teachers aren't crazy.  I didn't go to the park because I had to go do another blood test.  Mark said, "Maybe your doctor is actually just a vampire."  Maybe.  Also, if you live in Orem, dear reader, vote against the split.  

I cancelled Beehive Meals.  They've just been meh lately and it's a lot to pay for meh.

Years ago, there was a mouse in our basement.  Braeden named it Pat.  We caught it and it traumatized all of us because I'm terrified of mice and that fear is contagious apparently.

I sent the family text group this last night.

I can't explain how horrifying I think it is.

When Adam got home from his church meetings last night, he caught a mouse in a trap.  I don't know if it was the mouse Mark saw or we have a Pat III.  What I do know is that I'm glad Adam is home for a time such as this!

Our deck is overtaken with the same weird bugs that descend every year about this time.

The tree in the front yard has yellow leaves.

The weather is still perfect all day every day.

Getting my sass back

Yesterday was SUCH a hard day at school.  I keep saying it; it keeps being true.  Their behavior is just. So. Bad.  I refuse to let it best me.

After school, I rearranged desks.  (Mark told me that I do that too often.  He also told me that I need to turn them against each other so they will all hate each other and not talk.  He said I need to do the opposite of trust exercises with them.  He's not really a pillar of good ideas.)

After I had rearranged the desks, I decided to abandon what I've been doing for four years.  I've been having them earn letters toward spelling a word and then they get a reward after they spell the word.

Forget it.  They'll never earn the word.  About five of them are angelic and deserve a reward and the rest DO NOT.  I downloaded an app that Janelle uses, Class Dojo.  It helps track individual student behaviors. I'll be the one walking along with my iPad in the hall rewarding and taking away points.  I know they can do better.  They do it occasionally.  I just need to find out what works and give up on what doesn't.

I will die on this hill!

I went to Draper for my hair appointment with Joelyn after school.  We talked about books we're reading (listening to) and showed each other pictures of our granddaughters.  We talked about Christmas presents for the little ones and good gluten free food.  I always feel like I'm just hanging out with my friend when I get my hair cut.  I told her to take a few inches off.  

After, when she was blowing it dry, she said, "There.  Now you have your sass back."

It was a heady mix, feeling invigorated about my new class management strategy and my shorn head.  

Then I talked to Adam.

He had to stay a day later in Phoenix.

Rats.

At least I had my sass back so I could handle it with equanimity.

All the things

The right amount:

I am loving our weather.  The leaves are starting to turn.  The weather is warm, but not too warm.  The mountains are aflame with orange and red and yellow leaves.  I love it.

Too much of a good thing:

Part of my calling for Relief Society is that I am responsible to select the talks from General Conference for Relief Society lessons.  I keep notes while I watch of ones that I think would make good lessons.  Then I look at the list and have to eliminate some.  In the past, I've coordinated with my counterpart in the Elders' quorum.  I asked Adam what the handbook said; do I have to be on the same page as the Elders' quorum?  He said no.  (I'm glad I don't have to read the handbook myself.  It's nice to just ask Adam.)

Even with deciding I can ignore what the Elders' quorum wants to do, it is hard to decide which talks to pick.  There are so many good ones and I want them all!  Can we skip Sunday School a few weeks and have extra talks?

Not enough of a good thing:

Adam is on a business trip again.  I miss him.

Ready or not:

My principal texted me last night that I'm getting a new student tomorrow. Gulp.  

I will need to scramble for a desk and textbooks and log in information and all the things.  I have a label maker and I will need to use it.

Weekend

The first weekend in October is my favorite weekend of the entire year.  I love autumn; I love General Conference.  It's just about perfect.  I missed having Emma here, working on puzzles.  She called from Ireland and sent a few texts and pictures and I'm happy she is having a great time.

She went to Evensong at St. Patrick's Cathedral.  She said she was jealous of the choir because nothing beats performing that kind of music in a place with those acoustics.

Periodically, Emma or Mark send a text like this:

Her parents happily comply.

When we FaceTime with them, she smiles and bounces and grabs the phone and puts it in her mouth.

I loved listening to General Conference.  We took a drive Saturday afternoon in the mountains to see the exquisite vistas and leaves.  I got a little carsick, but it was also beautiful.

During the sessions at home, I finished this:

And I also worked on my scrabble tile ornaments for my class.

General Conference left me feeling joyful, hopeful, loved, chastened and encouraged.  I thank thee oh God for a prophet!