Weekend

 Stress dreams:

We are on the cusp of test time at school.  I recognize that it is my pride undoing my peace, but here I go anyway.  I want them to do well!  (I want people to think I'm a good teacher....) It is a BIG DEAL at our school.  Test scores are talked about.  A lot.

We did a RISE benchmark test on Friday and it did not go well.

So I have had dreams that I was trying to teach one of my children (it wasn't one of my children though, it was a random kid) and he said, "I don't want to learn!  I won't learn!"

Then I pinched him.

(I would like the record to show I've never pinched one of my students, even when they don't want to learn.)

I had another dream that my entire class refused to do anything I asked.  It was lunchtime and they wouldn't get out of their seats and go to lunch.

(That would never, ever happen.  Nothing motivates them like lunchtime.)

I told Adam on Saturday that maybe what I need to do it stop stressing about it.  He just nodded.  I said, "Maybe it makes it worse when they can tell I'm stressed."

Adam just nodded, but I could sense if he were to say what he was thinking it would be something along the lines of, "You think?!?"

So I am going to work on chilling out.  In my repertoire of skills, it doesn't make the list, but there's always hope.

The low bar:

An exciting development in my life is that I am feeling more and more like myself.  I am taking lots of walks as prescribed by my doctor to fight fatigue.  I've found that if I sleep 9 hours on weeknights and 10 hours on weekends, I have more energy.

(The last time I went to get my infusion, the nurse asked me about my fatigue and I said that I felt fine because I'd slept 10 hours the night before.  She said, "I can't remember the last time I slept 10 hours!"  I suggested she get cancer....)

On Saturday morning, Adam and I confronted the pile of blankets that have overtaken our house.  When you get cancer, turns out lots of people give you blankets.  Also, every time Adam turns around WGU seems to give him a blanket.  It is the gift of choice.  We picked the ones we wanted to keep, gave one to Mark and took the rest of them with us when we went to meet Olivia and Liliana at the temple.  After our session, we went to DI with them.  Our intention was to donate the blankets they didn't want.  Lili, who is preparing to move to Boston for the summer, declined.  Olivia took the blankets.  She had plans for the fleece for blankets made in her Relief Society.

This is all to say, it felt great to actually do something productive around here.  I watered my plants.  I did some laundry.  I feel like a person.

The flowers were so pretty at the temple, we posed for a picture.  I look kind of like I was in pain.  I wasn't.

After church and a walk, we had Emma and Lili and Josh over for dinner.  It was so nice to have them.  We love those kids.  We ate and talked about Boston and then played Bohnanza.  Emma sat down at the piano and started playing so we sang together too.

It was a good weekend!

Grateful Friday

 I am grateful I just about survived the week.  It has been fraught with a lot of drama.  Yesterday was a little bit better.  We had a whole class meeting situation that I think/hope helped.

I am grateful that when it was cold and windy, Murph, who is the aide we all love, walked outside and said, "I am sure you have things to do.  I'll do recess duty."

Seriously, it is no wonder we all love her.

I am grateful for the empowering feeling I get from leadership meeting. I love seeing little glimpses of, "We could do better!  This is in our grasp!"

I am grateful when kids try.  Yesterday I had a gaggle of students who gathered around my desk during math to have me read the word problems to them.  They invariably get on different problems and they get impatient because they want me at their immediate beck and call.  A few of them gave up and read the problems themselves.  I should let them struggle more often, because they can do it!

I am grateful that even though winter seems to have returned, I have a warm house and a new roof and so many comforts.

I am grateful that sweet Hannah texted me yesterday because she knew it was a month since my mom passed away.

I am grateful my dad texted us a picture of a stunning bit he just finished making.

I am grateful we have each other.

Drama llamas

 I confiscate many paper airplanes every day.  They recently learned how to fold them.  Knowledge is power....

I found this one on my desk:

They excel at being maddening, but are just sweet enough that I love them all the same.

I don't love all the drama we've had.  I have a few students with very real trauma who struggle to cope.  I have other students who love the drama and love to stir the pot and make things worse.

We were mystified after recess.  Miriam had been out there and had kept an eagle eye on the trouble spots.  I still had two disregulated children who cried for 45 minutes after recess.  (Who is jealous of me?)

Katie, the school counselor, and I tried to figure it out.  After school, we went to the office and watched footage from the outside cameras.  Camie was helping us.  What we saw was a whole bunch of drama seekers running back and forth, drumming up hysteria.  The two students who are not supposed to be by each other, were not by each other, but it was still a hotbed of trouble.

I was googling for ideas for lessons on minding your own business in third grade.  There are awesome teachers in the world who share their ideas on everything you can google.

I scanned the list of websites and there were alternative search queries.  One of them was, what's the number one reason teachers quit?

It made me laugh out loud.  I told Miriam and she said, "That's not the number one reason."

She never told me what she thought the number one reason was and I didn't click on the question.  I don't know what it is, but I know that days like yesterday wear me down like I'm shale and they are a mighty river. 

Again with the murmuring

 I've been reading in Exodus about the children of Israel and their murmuring.  When I was younger, I thought, "Those children of Israel.  They can't get it right.  They keep getting saved and they still murmur."

Now, I see myself.

When I can't see around every dark corner, I think, "Well, this is it.  I'm in trouble now...."

And just like the children of Israel, I keep getting help.  It isn't always how I expect.  It wasn't always how they expected.  Manna?  (Adam compared it to Dippin' Dots and I like that.) No one was expecting manna, yet there it was.

Every day.

Thinking about this has caused me to think about God observing our whining, our ill-founded panic, our murmuring.

Does he feel about it like we feel about a beloved baby, who cries for food even though they get food every time they cry?  We don't fault the baby for crying.

Does he feel about it like we feel about a petulant toddler? It's tiresome, but part of the package.

Does he feel about it like we feel about a morose and complaining teenager, who you'd just as soon go away for a while?

My guess is just like we expect more of children as they grow, He expects more of us over time.

This all makes me feel like I need to get it together!

Welcome back

 You know those videos of a soldier returning where their families clamor around them, hugging them?  That was basically the scene at school yesterday morning.  My students acted like they hadn't seen me for years.  I knew it wouldn't last.

Sure enough, by math, they were scowling at me.

Someone drew a heart on the pavement outside my door and wrote Dais in it.  Of course, then the other students had to point out they'd spelled my name wrong.

"There's no 'v'," twenty students informed me.

Yes, I know.

The student I had said hi to at Winco on Saturday told me that he had seen me at Winco on Saturday.

Yes, I know.  

I broke my ID badge and a secretary ordered me a new on.  I asked how I was going to get in this morning and they told me that I guess I can just stay home....

I will just hope someone gets there the same time as me or I guess I'll be waiting outside a while.

A student threw up in the garbage can.

We celebrated two birthdays.

A girl was shivering at recess and Alissa asked her why she was wearing shorts.  She said, "It's about the outfit."

Alissa said, "But it's cold."

My student said, "Beauty is pain."

(She has a teenage sister and it shows.)

I had a Big Meeting with a parent and therapists and lots of school personnel.  It lasted 85 minutes.  Not that I was keeping track....

I was letting my students in after afternoon recess and I noticed six big sixth graders surrounding one of my students.  I left no one in charge of the rest of my class and hightailed it across the playground.  Some of the boys were bigger than me, but I also had some of them as 3rd graders, which removes any intimidation factor of big boys, so I sent them packing and pulled my student back to the classroom.

The difference between yesterday and a week ago when I sitting in the sunshine by a pool is...vast.

Weekend

 The weekend was largely unremarkable.  I was very pleased that I didn't feel too many effects from my infusion.  I was kind of tired on Friday, but I decided to pretend I wasn't and it worked!

Also, a bonus on Friday, I talked to both sisters and my dad on the phone.

I pruned some plants on Saturday and told Mark that I thought I was ready to take over their care again.

It feels great to feel like I'm back!

Shannon and I went to lunch on Saturday and it was so nice to reconnect.  She kindly asked me if I wanted to talk about my mom and I did.  (Sometimes I don't.)  It felt good to recount a little about the funeral and my feelings surrounding it all.  

Saturday afternoon, Mark and I took a walk.  He asked if he could interview me because he needed to interview someone with cancer for his health class.

I said, "What if you didn't know someone with cancer?" He said it was one of the choices.  

It was a thought provoking conversation.

He asked me the biggest lesson I've learned from having cancer. I told him that I had learned about the power of prayer.  There have been many days that I didn't know how I was going to make it through the day.  I would pray the whole way to school.  It always worked.  Also, I've felt help and strength from the prayers of others.  I never realized how much of a difference it made when people pray for you.

He asked about the response of friends and family to my cancer.  I couldn't have asked for better support and help.  That is humbling to realize.

He asked what advice I would give someone who had just been diagnosed with cancer.  I said I would tell them what Janet told me: take one day at a time.  Figure out what you can control and what you can't and try to only focus on what you can control.  Also, don't google it.  Finally, let people in.  Let people help you.  

He asked what advice I would give the friends and family of someone diagnosed with cancer.  I said, "Be like Adam and Mark.  And everyone else who has been so kind and supportive to me."

Then, Mark told me the ways he had seen me learn and change.

So if you saw me crying on the Murdock Canal Trail Saturday, blame that conversation....

Sunday I led the singing in primary.  I had them roll a die (you can take the girl out of Nevada, but you can't take Nevada out of the girl apparently) and the number corresponded to a song we would sing.  If they rolled a 6, they got to choose a song.

They chose Gethsemene.  I knew they would.  And I don't mind at all because I love that song (also it was number 4, so we sang it twice).

The hardest thing that ever was done,

The greatest pain that ever was known,

The biggest battle that ever was won—

This was done by Jesus!

The fight was won by Jesus!

I know why they like it so much.

Grateful Friday

Yesterday I drove myself to my infusion because Adam is having an extra intense work time (which is saying something because his work is always intense) and Mark had class.  It felt weird going alone, because I usually have my entourage.

In the morning, before leaving I saw that I had a text message from Stephanie and another from Tabor, wishing me well and sending their love.

I realized I wasn't going alone and that means the world to me.

I am also grateful for the good week I've had.

Early Monday morning, Mark dropped us off at the Provo Airport and Adam and I flew to Las Vegas.  It is a very short trip.  The captain said we were at 30,000 feet and we could use the bathroom if we needed to and that we would begin our descent in about 10 minutes.

We rented a car and went to the Aria.  There was supposed to be fine art there, which we determined to look at before our lunch reservation at Din Tai Fung.  We mostly struggled to find the art.  There was a map on an app that was really unhelpful, but we saw some pretty things all the same.

Not the art, just a seasonal display in the lobby.  I took exactly one picture (to send to Emma) and Adam took all the rest.

Adam had been wanting to take me to Din Tai Fung ever since he ate there.  I don't love Chinese food in general, but this was exceptional.  We had these amazing soup dumplings, some OK cucumber salad (I love cucumbers, but it had a strong sesame oil flavor), fantastic green beans, spicy chicken wontons and the show stopping finale: chocolate dumplings in salted cream sauce.  

I look kind of silly in this picture, but I was so proud of myself for using chopsticks to eat, I'll post it all the same.

The cucumber salad came first and I'd struggled so much with the chopsticks that I just stabbed the cucumber and ate it that way.

We walked around some more and went to the Bellagio to look at all the pretty things.  I don't know how anyone would think they had a chance to win much at those casinos.  It's clear the house usually wins!

We drove to our hotel eventually.  It was in Midtown, away from the Strip, and we liked it.

Our hotel was The English.  It was a small boutique hotel with a lot of eclectic style and none of the Las Vegas ick.

This was Adam's office.  He sat under the cabana and worked and I read.

We walked a few blocks to Good Pie for dinner.  It was another restaurant Adam wanted me to try.  We got delicious pizza and enjoyed our quirky waiter.

After dinner we drove to Seven Magic Mountains outside of the city.

Each of the rocks was about 6 feet tall.  There were people there, but I erased them with my editing feature on my phone.  It feels like cheating, but I'm here for it.

Tuesday we lived a life of leisure.  At least I did.  Adam worked quite a bit.  Besides sitting by the pool and working/reading, we went to a nearby state historic site, Old Las Vegas Mormon Fort.  It was pretty fascinating.  The oldest building in the state, built by pioneers sent there to make an outpost for people on their way to San Bernardino, settled it.  We love history and learning about places.

We had an interesting dinner at a restaurant called Chicago Joe's.  Adam hadn't eaten there, but it was in a cute brick house and had good reviews and was in walking distance to our hotel.  

There was a man smoking on the front porch and a Closed sign next to him.  According to the website, they were supposed to be open.  We asked the guy and he said, "Yeah, go in, they're open."

It was a bizarre dining experience.  The waiters seemed wholly surprised that we were there.  They also were taken aback by two other parties that joined later.  The food was pretty good and we were entertained by the once again quirky waitstaff and a very dramatic phone call several of them participated it (the man who had been smoking on the front porch was an employee too and he had a session on the phone with the rest of them).  There was a landline at a nearby desk and one of them would talk urgently, then set the phone down and get another employee to talk to whoever was on the phone.  

That evening we went to Donny Osmond.  Earlier in the afternoon, I'd napped while Adam scoped out the show.  He is excellent at figuring out ways to make things seamless for me.  As a bonus, he got to try out a gadget.  It was a win win.

We took a Vay.  There was one waiting for us down the street a bit from our hotel.  Adam unlocked it with his phone, we hopped in, drove to the Strip and parked behind the super sketchy Best Western casino.  The car drove away by itself.

Adam led me on a little path he'd figured out through the unsavory low end casinos.  At Harrah's we went right up an escalator to the show.  Adam is a wonder.  He figures things out.

We were very much in the cheap seats, but when the show was about to start, an usher tapped Adam on the shoulder and said, "Follow me."  He led us down to the not cheap seats and we found ourselves in the 6th row!  

The show was great.  Donny Osmond is an amazing entertainer.  We were about 15 years younger than most people there.  He sang a lot of songs from his 60 years in show business.  My favorites were from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and the song from Mulan.  There were dancers and a live band and lots of audiovisual marvels.  He sang "Puppy Love" with an avatar of himself as a 14 year old.  The whole thing was very enjoyable.

At one point, Donny went down the stage, giving high fives.  I could have very easily stood up and reached for a high five.  Adam said that I should.

I said, "That doesn't sound like something I would do."

Adam concurred.

We wend our way back to the parking lot behind the Best Western and a driverless car drove up.  We got inside and drove back to our hotel.  The alternative would have been to self park.  Adam was pretty proud of the fact that the Vay was cheaper than parking would have been.  Self parking was a ways away and I was also very grateful that we didn't need to walk much.  He always takes such good care of me!

Wednesday, we lounged by the pool.  It was restful to be so lazy!  We walked down the street for a delicious lunch--again at a place Adam had eaten at before.  I like traveling to places where he knows all the good places.

In the afternoon we flew home, Mark picked us up and we were happy to see him and happy to be home.

After my infusion yesterday--easier without chemo, but I was still pretty wiped out--I sat in my chair mostly.  Mark and I took a very short walk and he makes an excellent personal trainer.  He tells me over and over that I'm doing well.  He says, "You're getting stronger all the time!" and "You can do this!"

He also asks me every few minutes how I'm doing.  I'm grateful to have a Mark in my life.