Weekend

 Thursday and Friday I was in Heber for my leadership retreat.  It was a good time + I was very tired.  Even though I was tired Wednesday night, I didn't sleep all that well.  I realized later that I had steroids as part of the infusion and that messes with my sleep.  How could I forget?

The meetings were good.  We got up and moved around and arranged ourselves into different groups at different times.  I didn't hate it like I do when I don't know a group well.  I dragged my chair around too, so I could sit down.  Everyone else stood up in our small groups, but they didn't mind looking down at tired me.

We talked about essential standards and learning progressions and collective efficacy groups and vertical alignment and teacher clarity.  A lot for a few days in June, but it was with smart people I really like.  We went to dinner and I was sitting at the same table as Matt so we plied him for information about his take on the district split and the boundary study and he explained the difference between public schools and charter schools because I never totally understood.  We learned last week that he will be our principal for only one more year and that makes us all sad.  He took a director position in one of the new districts.

After dinner we convened back in the conference room for a game.  We divided into three teams and did this escape room type game.  It was really fun for me because it had the types of tasks I like.  It lasted until about 10:00 and I left immediately and went upstairs to my room.  I tried to go to sleep, but I again didn't sleep well.  

I am a toddler and need my wind down routine.

So Friday I was SUPER tired.  So tired.  I got my bloodwork from my doctor visit on Wednesday and it wasn't good.  I had been hoping/expecting a clean bill of health and good proof that my cancer was in remission. 

Adam was driving from Nashville to Louisville with some coworkers so I didn't want to call him for my freak out.  I called Olivia.  She is reliably always up before me so she is a good morning freak out buddy.

After talking to my sympathetic sister, I dried my tears and went to my next day of meetings.  One foot in front of the other.  At breakfast I was sitting with Jamie and Holly, who teaches kindergarten, and Brecken who teaches 2nd grade.  I was telling them about QE and what a blooming genius she is (just ask her nana).  No one gets as excited about phonemic awareness as a table full of teachers at a Best Western hotel breakfast.

They were impressed and told me about a show that helps number sense for our brilliant girl.  

On the drive home, I talked to Adam and also my dad and cried some more and so now I have my eye infection flare up to show for it.

My cancer doctor isn't in on Friday, but Adam fed all my bloodwork into Gemini and it made me feel better that given the treatments I have had and the treatment that I'm still doing, the bloodwork looks as expected.  (At least according to Gemini.)  Later, Adam talked to one of the nurse practitioners that I don't really like (so he took one for the team by calling her) and she confirmed what Gemini said.  A clean bill of health is not the current reality so I have to be OK with that.

I really wanted to talk to my mom, but if I dwell on that too much, my eyes will get way worse from crying.  

I told Mark that he needed to be EXTRA nice to me because I only had enough eye medicine for a few days (my insurance is stingy with refills).  No crying!

Mark is pretty nice to me.

I slept for eleven hours Friday night and that helps, you know.

Mark and I made a shopping list, went to JCWs for lunch and then went to the grocery store.  He is good company.

For the rest of Saturday, I felt increasingly droopy because of my eye.  I decided I needed to call my eye doctor and try to get more medicine.  I have an appointment this morning.

Adam went to Churchill Downs and the Grand Ole Opry over the weekend, so I was able to at least live vicariously through him.

I felt pretty sick on Sunday.  I thought if I wasn't doing primary singing time, I would stay home.  Then I reasoned that I taught school plenty of times when I wasn't feeling well.  It keeps working out.

I napped and rested all afternoon.  Emma had a thing with her ward so she didn't come to dinner.  Mark made fried rice, I napped, I talked to Adam and Emma at the same time.  It was kind of a whimpering end to the weekend.

I am looking forward to better things.

Stewing, but not freezing

 Immunotherapy was rough yesterday.  I felt nauseous during it and wiped out for the rest of the day.  It was supposed to be the Big Scary appointment (in my mind) where they told me the status of my cancer.  There was a mix up with the nurses not being there yet, plus my doctor wasn't there so I met with a nurse practitioner before they accessed my port so I never did hear how things are going with my blood.  I assume they'll email me the results.

Olivia and I had this conversation about something else entirely, but it still applies over and over for as long as I live.

I mostly slouched in my chair + I took a small nap.  I talked to Olivia and Braeden on the phone so that was happy.  I got to see the Young Prince over FaceTime and he is a delight.  At one point, I thought I was in our light-filled little apartment in New Haven, Connecticut because he reminded me so much of Braeden at that age. (The light was supplied by both the sun through the big windows and Braeden's smile.)

Today I am heading to Heber for the leadership retreat.  Last year I froze in my t-shirt and sandals in the enthusiastically air conditioned conference room of the hotel.  I ended up buying a fashionable Heber Valley sweatshirt at Walmart.  It had either an elk or moose on it.  I can tell the difference, I just can't remember.

This year, I am prepared, wearing socks and shoes and taking a jacket.  Maybe I will dig out the sweatshirt and take it too for old time's sake.

Back in the saddle

 By saddle, I mean chair at the cancer center.  I have my immunotherapy today.  Olivia texted me and asked me how I felt about it, was I dreading it?  I am not.  That is something to be glad about.  

I am also not looking forward to it.

Mostly, it wipes me out.  I am grateful that I don't get sick though and I'm grateful the effects won't be too lasting.

I'm really hoping that I will bounce back enough for my leadership retreat which is tomorrow and Friday.  Changes are coming at school and I don't like that.

We've survived changes before.

I've survived the chemicals they pump into me.

Everything's going to be OK.

Teamwork

 Yesterday Kim and I took our first morning walk of the summer.  We go at seven and it is pretty perfect (although it will get hot in July, even that early).  Our only hazard was the mountain bike teams zipping by.  They would say, "Good morning," as they sped past us so even though it seemed they were trying to kill us, they were friendly and polite.

My team came over.  We made great progress (better than I'd hoped for) on our learning progressions for math and how we are going to assess everything.

We started on the deck and it was pleasant.  

You could do worse for a meeting spot (for example the school that is getting the ceiling ripped out....).

We were all on the same Google Docs causing havoc for each other, but it worked.  We kept having to pause and close tabs.  

We went to lunch at Chubby's and talked about summer plans.  Everyone is going to have some fun and that is happy.  Family reunions, weddings, trips and the like.

We worked a little on the deck in the afternoon, but it got sunny and our computers started heating up.  We moved inside, but in comfy chairs.  We decided we'd rather balance everything on our laps than sit at the kitchen table.

Alissa commented on my plants (I have too many.  People gifted me plants when I was diagnosed with cancer and also when my mom passed away, I brought some home from my classroom, plus I already had a lot.).

She said, "I don't know how you can keep them alive!  I am terrible with plants!"

She has two toddlers and two dogs.  I think my plants are easier.

When we were done for the day, my head hurt from thinking, but I also felt very happy about our accomplishments.  Today, literacy, which is more complicated plus we need to map out our interventions.  I'm glad to be going into it with some success already under our belts.

Weekend

 Way ahead of schedule (they usually start in August), I had my first back to school stress dream.  I dreamt I was walking into the school schlepping all my stuff for my first teacher work day back.  I walked past Miriam's room and there were students and parents and it was back to school night and I didn't know it was back to school night!

I went in my classroom and everything was totally different including a rock climbing wall and this sketchy looking amphitheater on one side that looked like ancient ruins.  None of it seemed all that safe.  Students started coming and I couldn't pronounce any of their names.

I have a full (except Wednesday) week of school stuff this week, so maybe that is where it is all coming from!

Stress dream aside, we had a good weekend.  It was productive and we spent time together and that is about all I want.

On Saturday, Adam wanted to redeem his birthday gift card from Emma at The Root Beer Store.  So we met up with her and went together.  Adam bought some root beer and Emma got some ancient salt water taffy that was as hard as a rock.  (No teeth were lost.) 

We also went to Trader Joe's and Winco together.  I love to be with Emma.  She told us her itinerary for her upcoming Spain trip and I think it sounds like she will have a great time.  She is planning to hit a lot of art museums and I approve!

After parting with Emma we went to the World's Largest Costco, but didn't even venture into the parts that make it so vast.  We stuck to what we usually get, with the addition of an outdoor rug for the deck.

Yesterday I did primary singing time again because my partner was out of town.  I think it is actually easier when you do it consecutively.  You can pick up where you left off.

On Sunday afternoon, I was sitting next to Kim at a stake primary meeting.  She leaned over and showed me her phone.  Rod had just texted her that we had the same rug on our deck that they have on theirs.  We can't see their deck, but they can see ours.

They had just bought theirs on Friday.

I told her we both have excellent taste.

Today I have my team + Jamie coming over for our collaboration.  It was the first time in forever we tidied the house on Sunday evening.  We will be working on learning progressions.  I was telling Adam about it and he asked, "Have you had AI help you with that?"  I said no and also that I didn't know how.

Bad idea to tell Adam you don't know how to do something if you don't want to do something.  He had me get my computer.  I was skeptical, but AI did a pretty good job!

Look at me, on the cutting edge....

Grateful Friday

 I am feeling very grateful today for our lives and our people and that we were able to fly to Seattle for a quick trip.  It was uplifting and sad and joyful and a little bit nostalgic.

Scott and Megan came to dinner at Geri's and it was great to see them and visit.  At one point, I had a story to tell Megan and we settled on two ends of the same couch and faced each other and I felt like we were in junior high with some hot gossip (it was a good story).

On Wednesday we stopped by Linn's grave before going to the funeral.

For once in my life, I was remembering to take a picture and then this is Adam (helpfully?) pointing out he didn't think his mom's name would fit on the headstone. 

We went to the church where we spent memorable and formative time with our young family years ago.  I hugged Stephanie and she is tiny--I think even more slender than usual--but oh, so strong.  She told me her glimpse of eternity sustained her and that she is not broken.  She has a strong assurance of Heavenly Father's love.  She believes Jesus Christ is her Savior.  She inspires me like she always has.

I got to throw my arms around Gavin, who goes by Penn now.  In a voice thick with emotion he said, "Thank you for putting up with me all those years."  Sweet boy.  I would do it all over again.  I loved having him and Mark and all their noise and shenanigans.  I would do it again and I'd give them better snacks.

We saw so many friends we love.  It felt like a family reunion.  We ran into Heidi and Howie last summer so randomly in Denmark.  It was great to see them.  Howie told me that they pray for me by name every day.  What can I even say to that? It is so kind and means the world to me.  Heidi asked me who my oncologist is and when I told her, she said that he is her brother!  It was shocking and wonderful and we took a picture for her to text him.  (Also she told me he is her smartest brother, so that's good news for me.)

I got to visit with Jill and Mike, Frances, JoLyn, the Jacksons, and say brief hellos to a lot more people.  I felt like it was a testament to how people feel about Brent and Stephanie that friends who had moved to Idaho and Arizona and Utah (us) came back for the funeral.  

We went back to Geri's and changed clothes and I tried to rehydrate (funeral + people I love = tears for Thelma).

Geri let us use her car, she is always so kind and generous to us, and we spent the evening at the Jorgensens.  I had assumed we would be going to a restaurant, but Janet wanted to have dinner there and she made extra of the food she prepared for the funeral dinner.  It was delicious and I was happy to be able to see their girls too and be in their lovely and familiar home.  

We visited for hours.  Janet and I compared all the notes about cancer treatment.  It is still so bizarre to me that we both have cancer.  

Yesterday, Adam had a few morning work things and Geri and I sat in the sun on her porch swing.  So nice.  We met Talia for lunch in downtown Everett and it was great to see her.  She is a beautiful and confident young woman.  After that we drove to the waterfront and walked a little and just enjoyed the beautiful day.  We stopped by and saw Megan (and Larry a tiny bit) before returning to Geri's, gathering our stuff, and heading to the airport.

On the return trip, running all the events over in my mind, I felt grateful.  I am grateful for Adam's family.  They mean more to me all the time.  I'm grateful for good memories of a place where we were very happy.  I'm grateful for dear friends who make me feel like no time has passed.  I'm grateful for my knowledge of a Savior and the plan of salvation that lessens the sting of death (though it still really stings).  I'm grateful for Adam.  Stephanie said when she spoke that who you pick to be your companion is a really important decision.  She is not wrong.

I am grateful that I chose so well.

Memorial Day

 I missed my mom.

My parents weren't there when they served their mission in Nauvoo, but I also wasn't there because that was when we lived in Washington.  Every time I've been to the cemeteries, my mom was there to straighten out my memory of who was who.

We met up at the Murray Cemetery first, like always.  It is clear that the tradition means more to the women of the family than the men.  Besides my uncle Richard (and his wife, my aunt Launa), everyone else was daughters.

Mary is carrying on, bringing flowers from her yard for everyone in tin cans that she secured to the ground with hangers exactly like my grandma used to do.  We hugged and cried a little, missing my mom.  Her daughter, Melanie was there, along with Olivia and Desi and me (and our families).  We found headstones and told stories and took pictures.

Blessed honored pioneers.

After Murray, we went to Sandy and Crescent.  At the Crescent cemetery, Olivia and I couldn't remember who Dee was and who Romell was.  Their headstones were nearby and I know my mom told us every year.

I looked it up on Family Search, because we have to carry on.  Olivia, when you read this, Dee was Homer Sr.'s brother.  Romell was Dee's son.  

We'll remember together.

We had lunch at Golden Corral.  It strikes the balance between not all that exciting, but everyone can eat at the same time and get pretty much what they want.  Olivia has a predilection to not get her boys sodas at restaurants because they are overpriced.  They are overpriced, but Mary and I, in an attempt to curry favor with our nephews, bought everyone a Dr. Pepper.

When Olivia protested, I told her that if she was as cute as her sons, I would have bought her one too.  

I am not one to remember to take pictures, but we enjoyed being together for lunch.

We hit the West Jordan cemetery next.  According to Family Search, there were 377 people there that I am related to.

So...we didn't see them all.  We put flowers on the graves of my Egbert and Dahl great-grandparents, traversed to the far side of the cemetery to see John and Matilda (it wasn't too far of a walk compared to last summer when we saw where they were christened in Sweden), and we stopped by and saw some more Gardners and Livingstons.  

Olivia and family had left by then, but we were still in a mood for cemeteries, I guess.  We went to the Salt Lake City cemetery.  Emma, who is a daughter who will never abandon the cemetery tradition (it is basically her personality), knew exactly where our family was there.  My great great grandparents Isabella and Charles Rich are buried there.  Emma visits them periodically and cleans off their headstone because it seems no one else does.

Daughters hold the line.

Emma knew where Anna Pearson Olsen Rowan was buried.  

She had a hard life and her faded little headstone made me a little bit sad, but I remember her.  I've been to the church in Sweden where she was christened too.

There is no fading for Archibald Gardner, whose headstone was taller than I am:

We were planning to go to Kilsyth in Scotland where he was from.  Maybe another time....

When we got home I napped and did a little laundry.  Adam and I did a crossword puzzle and I cooked some corn on the cob because it won't be good when we get back from our trip.

Today we fly to Seattle for a few days.  It will be good to see family and friends and tall trees.  We are going to honor Brent and show our love for Stephanie and their family.  

Some things matter more than others and people are high on that list.