You've had a birthday, shout hurray

 Actually it wasn't all that exciting.

I decided next year I should make myself a cake, blow out some candles.

It was a good day though.  I felt very loved with all the texts and phone calls I got.  I felt sad that I didn't get to talk to my mom.  I also felt her love for me and I'm grateful for that.

We had a teacher work day so I got lots of stuff done, which is good.  People stopped by to wish me happy birthday and my team and I went to lunch.  They wanted me to pick a restaurant, but I wouldn't let them buy me lunch.  The other two have birthdays when we aren't in school.  So we bought ourselves lunch for our birthdays.  It was a lingering lunch because Kneaders was very busy and Miriam finally went up to the counter and got our food that was languishing there, waiting to be delivered.  We talked about all the things and I love my team.

Marianne called from the Accra airport and since I didn't have students, I could answer.  She was about 8 hours into their hero's journey and she is still in the air.  Such a long trip!  I'm so grateful that she is coming.

My dad called and I said that I was glad that we would all be together.

He said, "I wish it was for a different reason."  And so do I.

Adam and I went to Costco--like you do to celebrate?  I like being with him no matter what though.  I'm glad I get to share a birthday with that guy.

Weekend

 Saturday the reality hit that just because my chemo is over and I was all ready to just be good and done with it, it is not done with me.

Adam and I went to clean the church in the morning and I was vacuuming the chapel and just got exhausted.  I went and sat down in the bishop's office until I felt less dizzy.

I recovered after we got home and then I repotted the plants that I got from Bonneville.  It was six plants all in the same beautiful basket and they looked really pretty together, but they have different light and water needs so I put them in individual pots.

Again, exhausted.  

It was starting to be a pattern.

We went to La Casa Del Tamal in downtown Salt Lake for a birthday lunch with our kids.  Adam paid and Emma said, "That is a pretty good deal for your birthday."  

We enjoyed our kids and felt like it was a good deal too.

Also, those shrimp tacos, I could rhapsodize about them.

When we were walking back to the parking garage, Braeden called because we had wanted to FaceTime with them.  I said, "Well, your dad and I are separating...."

Braeden said, "Well, I guess you had a good run...."

I said, "No, I mean he and Mark are going to Winco and Emma and I are going to a vintage shop."

Braeden said, "I think Dad did better in the divorce settlement."

But Emma and I had a great time.  We went to two stores that she knew about and I loved them and got (you'll never guess) so tired.  I bought some pretty things and Emma bought an amethyst necklace and we felt pretty accomplished.  I love being with my girl.  

After we joined back up with Adam and Mark, I texted Braeden that we had reconciled.  Also, I napped in the car on the drive home and was basically worthless the rest of the day.  

Guess what I need and I don't have?  Patience.

We did get to FaceTime with our favorite little Californian family later though, so that was happy.

Over the weekend I continued to be surprised and not surprised by people reaching out to me about my mother.  It reaffirms to me that people are so good and that so was my mother because of the kind things they say about her.

Emma came over and wanted to practice the song she and her brothers and several cousins are singing for the funeral.  She asked me to sing the soprano part and I started crying.  She chided me, "If you cry, I'll cry!"

Mark said, "You're going to go blind!"

(Which isn't super helpful, but crying makes my herpes simplex in my eye worse and it can cause blindness.  Still doesn't help dry up tears....)

I normally don't cry when I sing, but the song that is going to be sung at my mother's funeral is not normal.

After Adam got home we played Qwixx and ate pulled pork.  Miriam had brought it over on Friday.  It was vacuum sealed and I put it in the freezer and per her instructions, heated it in a pot of boiling water.  Perfect.  She also gave me a bottle of their amazing barbecue sauce.  Their pulled pork is the best I've ever had.  

Later, Adam and I took a walk along the Murdock Canal trail.  It was a beautiful night.  All the trees are blooming and there is an alarmingly small amount of snow on the mountain.  The winter that wasn't.  

Today is our birthday.  My mom won't sing to me for the first time in my life.  We have Big Exciting Plans.  We're going to Costco to buy the stuff we want to take to Starr Valley later this week....

Grateful Friday

 The Buddy Bench on the playground is for a kid to sit on if they don't have anyone to play with.  Then, hopefully, some kind kid will notice and invite them to play.  Sometimes when I have recess duty I sit on the Buddy Bench.  It always invites a conversation, usually with the odd duck children that don't have a lot of friends. 

Yesterday a boy sat by me. This followed:

Me:  How are you doing today?

Boy:  I am great!  I am going to play Fortnite with my brother tonight.

Me:  That sounds fun.  How old is your brother?

Boy: 23

Me:  I have a son who is 23.

Boy (looking at me with wonder and skepticism in equal measure): What video games does he play?

Me:  I am not really into video games.  I don't know the names.  I know he does like video games though.

Boy: What's his name?

Me: Mark

Boy:  Well, my brother is named...John...so I don't think they're the same person.

Did he think they were the same person?!?

Me: No, I don't think they are the same person.

Boy: Wait, did your son serve in the army?

Me: No.

Boy:  Well my brother did.  I don't think they're the same person.

He finally trotted away to go find something else to do.  I thought about my mom, since I have been thinking about her all the time.

It occurred to me that if my mom was at recess duty, she would always find the odd ducks and collect them around her and be their buddy.  My mom would hold court on the Buddy Bench.

If every day I try to do what she would do, I think I will be pointed in the right direction.

I'm grateful for her example.

Fog, but lighthouses

 I would definitely say I was in a fog at school yesterday.  I was so incredibly tired and a bit nauseous and dizzy.  I didn't know where the chemo aftereffects ended and the grief started, but I was struggling.

During math I kept transposing numbers and making simple little mistakes.

Luckily 3rd graders are very forgiving and I have a sign on my wall that states:  Mistakes Are Proof That You Are Trying.

They recite it to me when I make mistakes and I gratefully thank them.

Despite the fog, there were lighthouses, which every foggy day needs.

My team wrapped me in hugs, multiple hugs.  They had gifts for me.  They are truly the best.

On Tuesday Bonneville had sent me a beautiful plant, delivered to our house and at school Camie threw her arms around me.  Shawna did too.  Courtney stopped me in the hall.  The nurse checked in.  Elementary school faculty and staff are the biggest supporters you'll ever want or need.  I am sure of that.

There was a small collection of teacher appreciation gifts on my desk from my students, leftover from last week.

Maybe one of the best things about the day was the way some of their faces lit up when they saw that I was back.

Me too kiddos; so glad to see you.

The loudest decibel

 I have been tasked with delivering the eulogy at my mother's funeral.  I spent a good part of yesterday working on it. 

If you think I'll be able to give it without crying, you're wrong.

I need to figure out how to do that and then I need to figure out how to get through something as monumental as losing my mom...

...without having my mom to talk it over with.  

Hannah sent me this and I know she knows what she is talking about.

Mother dear, I love you so

 Yesterday our sweet mother peacefully passed away to the next life.

Everything felt upside down.  I felt low physically already and then I felt like I had no idea what to even do or think about.

I had a good cry and then Adam and I went to my doctor office for IV fluids.  While there, my dad and siblings and some nieces (and maybe nephews?) were on a WhatsApp call.  I handed Adam my phone and told him to represent me.

He came back after a while and handed me the phone and said, "You want to be a part of this."

It was incredibly healing to be there on the phone with everyone.  We sketched out plans and laughed a little bit and expressed love a lot.  I felt very grateful to be a part of my family.  I'm grateful for my good parents.  I'm grateful we love each other.

I had a hard time sleeping.  Adam read to me and I was able to sleep some, but at about 2:00, I gave up.  Around 3:00, I texted my sisters.  I didn't know what time it was in Ghana, but I was guessing daytime.  I also figured Olivia might be awake.

4:00 AM found me on the phone with both sisters.  

I am glad that I already had today off.  I'm going to go to school for the rest of this week and then next week I'm going to take some more days off and go spend time with my family.  It is what I long for right now.

One thing I'm going to do today is go through the mail.  Adam and I picked it up yesterday.  There were two birthday cards in my mom's handwriting peeking out of the stack, one for me and one for Adam.  She was so sick, but she hardly missed a beat of what mattered to her.

Sunday afternoon, Braeden and his family had a short FaceTime with my mom.  She told QE that she'd sent her a birthday card.  She said, "There's a paper airplane in it.  Your dad may have to refold it a little but then it will really fly."

My mom was good at making paper airplanes.  She could make them really fly.

She was also good at making her children and grandchildren feel like they could really fly.  She buoyed us up.  She believed the best of us.  She expected us to rise to her idea of us.

It takes my breath away how much she will be missed.

Weekend

 What I thought would be a sit in my chair all weekend scenario, turned into a family weekend.

Tabor and (niece) Olivia were in Utah on Friday so they stopped by chemo to visit me.  We went to lunch after and then they came to our house to visit until their next doctor appointment. They still have plenty of appointments and insurance fights since their accident and I admire their tenacity.

Saturday my mom took a turn for the worse and we decided to go to Nevada and visit my parents.  I felt a little trepidation because of chemo, but we forged on.  Emma and Mark went too, in a separate car so Emma could go back earlier (in time for her choir practice).  

Adam and the kids did everything to set up our house and unload the cars and I was very much a lady of leisure.  

We missed Marianne and Robert, but saw some of their kids--Desi came from Wendover and Hyrum from Provo.  We visited with Olivia and her boys and my cousin Hannah and saw my uncle Demar and aunt Lora.  And of course, we spent time with my parents.

Sunday evening we were driving back to our house and Adam asked me how I was doing.  I said I felt like I was watching myself from a ways away.  Everything is blunted from chemo.  

I could not keep my eyes open past 7:00 PM and I woke up this morning at 6:30 AM.  I had a text from Alissa asking about a school question and I have zero idea.  None.  

Today we're going back to Utah in time for me to get an infusion of fluids to hopefully perk me up a bit.

I feel grateful for family and grateful we could come to Nevada.  I'm grateful for the steady presence Adam is, always taking care of me and making things possible.  I'm grateful for my good parents.