Grateful Friday

 The Buddy Bench on the playground is for a kid to sit on if they don't have anyone to play with.  Then, hopefully, some kind kid will notice and invite them to play.  Sometimes when I have recess duty I sit on the Buddy Bench.  It always invites a conversation, usually with the odd duck children that don't have a lot of friends. 

Yesterday a boy sat by me. This followed:

Me:  How are you doing today?

Boy:  I am great!  I am going to play Fortnite with my brother tonight.

Me:  That sounds fun.  How old is your brother?

Boy: 23

Me:  I have a son who is 23.

Boy (looking at me with wonder and skepticism in equal measure): What video games does he play?

Me:  I am not really into video games.  I don't know the names.  I know he does like video games though.

Boy: What's his name?

Me: Mark

Boy:  Well, my brother is named...John...so I don't think they're the same person.

Did he think they were the same person?!?

Me: No, I don't think they are the same person.

Boy: Wait, did your son serve in the army?

Me: No.

Boy:  Well my brother did.  I don't think they're the same person.

He finally trotted away to go find something else to do.  I thought about my mom, since I have been thinking about her all the time.

It occurred to me that if my mom was at recess duty, she would always find the odd ducks and collect them around her and be their buddy.  My mom would hold court on the Buddy Bench.

If every day I try to do what she would do, I think I will be pointed in the right direction.

I'm grateful for her example.

Fog, but lighthouses

 I would definitely say I was in a fog at school yesterday.  I was so incredibly tired and a bit nauseous and dizzy.  I didn't know where the chemo aftereffects ended and the grief started, but I was struggling.

During math I kept transposing numbers and making simple little mistakes.

Luckily 3rd graders are very forgiving and I have a sign on my wall that states:  Mistakes Are Proof That You Are Trying.

They recite it to me when I make mistakes and I gratefully thank them.

Despite the fog, there were lighthouses, which every foggy day needs.

My team wrapped me in hugs, multiple hugs.  They had gifts for me.  They are truly the best.

On Tuesday Bonneville had sent me a beautiful plant, delivered to our house and at school Camie threw her arms around me.  Shawna did too.  Courtney stopped me in the hall.  The nurse checked in.  Elementary school faculty and staff are the biggest supporters you'll ever want or need.  I am sure of that.

There was a small collection of teacher appreciation gifts on my desk from my students, leftover from last week.

Maybe one of the best things about the day was the way some of their faces lit up when they saw that I was back.

Me too kiddos; so glad to see you.

The loudest decibel

 I have been tasked with delivering the eulogy at my mother's funeral.  I spent a good part of yesterday working on it. 

If you think I'll be able to give it without crying, you're wrong.

I need to figure out how to do that and then I need to figure out how to get through something as monumental as losing my mom...

...without having my mom to talk it over with.  

Hannah sent me this and I know she knows what she is talking about.

Mother dear, I love you so

 Yesterday our sweet mother peacefully passed away to the next life.

Everything felt upside down.  I felt low physically already and then I felt like I had no idea what to even do or think about.

I had a good cry and then Adam and I went to my doctor office for IV fluids.  While there, my dad and siblings and some nieces (and maybe nephews?) were on a WhatsApp call.  I handed Adam my phone and told him to represent me.

He came back after a while and handed me the phone and said, "You want to be a part of this."

It was incredibly healing to be there on the phone with everyone.  We sketched out plans and laughed a little bit and expressed love a lot.  I felt very grateful to be a part of my family.  I'm grateful for my good parents.  I'm grateful we love each other.

I had a hard time sleeping.  Adam read to me and I was able to sleep some, but at about 2:00, I gave up.  Around 3:00, I texted my sisters.  I didn't know what time it was in Ghana, but I was guessing daytime.  I also figured Olivia might be awake.

4:00 AM found me on the phone with both sisters.  

I am glad that I already had today off.  I'm going to go to school for the rest of this week and then next week I'm going to take some more days off and go spend time with my family.  It is what I long for right now.

One thing I'm going to do today is go through the mail.  Adam and I picked it up yesterday.  There were two birthday cards in my mom's handwriting peeking out of the stack, one for me and one for Adam.  She was so sick, but she hardly missed a beat of what mattered to her.

Sunday afternoon, Braeden and his family had a short FaceTime with my mom.  She told QE that she'd sent her a birthday card.  She said, "There's a paper airplane in it.  Your dad may have to refold it a little but then it will really fly."

My mom was good at making paper airplanes.  She could make them really fly.

She was also good at making her children and grandchildren feel like they could really fly.  She buoyed us up.  She believed the best of us.  She expected us to rise to her idea of us.

It takes my breath away how much she will be missed.

Weekend

 What I thought would be a sit in my chair all weekend scenario, turned into a family weekend.

Tabor and (niece) Olivia were in Utah on Friday so they stopped by chemo to visit me.  We went to lunch after and then they came to our house to visit until their next doctor appointment. They still have plenty of appointments and insurance fights since their accident and I admire their tenacity.

Saturday my mom took a turn for the worse and we decided to go to Nevada and visit my parents.  I felt a little trepidation because of chemo, but we forged on.  Emma and Mark went too, in a separate car so Emma could go back earlier (in time for her choir practice).  

Adam and the kids did everything to set up our house and unload the cars and I was very much a lady of leisure.  

We missed Marianne and Robert, but saw some of their kids--Desi came from Wendover and Hyrum from Provo.  We visited with Olivia and her boys and my cousin Hannah and saw my uncle Demar and aunt Lora.  And of course, we spent time with my parents.

Sunday evening we were driving back to our house and Adam asked me how I was doing.  I said I felt like I was watching myself from a ways away.  Everything is blunted from chemo.  

I could not keep my eyes open past 7:00 PM and I woke up this morning at 6:30 AM.  I had a text from Alissa asking about a school question and I have zero idea.  None.  

Today we're going back to Utah in time for me to get an infusion of fluids to hopefully perk me up a bit.

I feel grateful for family and grateful we could come to Nevada.  I'm grateful for the steady presence Adam is, always taking care of me and making things possible.  I'm grateful for my good parents.

At your service

 I have no medical training, but I am called on for many a medical quandary.

Pretty much if it is any skin malady, I offer lotion.  It almost always helps the itchy, sore, bug bitten skin my students have.

Also band-aids.  So many band-aids.

Then there are the hypochondriacs.

My leg hurts.  

My response is always the same.  "Go sit down.  Don't move.  You rest that leg.  If you need a sharpened pencil, tell me.  Don't get out of your seat."

It never really lasts.

Yesterday a student said it hurt her mouth when she opened it.  I told her to go do her iReady lessons.  I told her, "Good news, you don't need to open your mouth to do iReady."

If they would all stay in their seats and keep their mouths shut, imagine how much we could accomplish!

Another student showed me her arm (that looked approximately like an arm).  I failed to see the problem and she was deeply offended and acted like I owed her money.

I said, "What do you want me to do?"

"I don't know!" she huffed.

Later she tied a sling out of her sweatshirt and wore it all day like that.

They expect me to know things, even when all indications (have some lotion and go sit down and do your work) would make it clear that I don't really know much about medicine.

I had recess duty yesterday and three students called me over with such urgency that at first I thought someone was hurt.

They were standing near the map of the United States that is painted on the blacktop.  "Which one is Arizona?" they asked.  They were having a heated argument and all three of them were incorrect.

I showed them Arizona.

Then they wanted to know state after state.  One of the boys wanted to know where the Patriots were from.  How about the Miami Dolphins? Where are the Bills from?  I pointed out all the states and one of the students said, "You're really smart!"

They rapid fire quizzed me and I knew all the states to their everlasting appreciation.

They need to stick to questions like that and not expect me to know what to do about a sore arm.

Speaking of medical things I don't know about, I have chemo today.  My last one that has an asterisk in my brain, because is it the last one?  I don't know yet.

I'll sit down and do my work and maybe put some lotion on....

That's all I got.

My people

It is Teacher Appreciation Week, which means we have treats in the faculty room and occasionally something from students.  One of my students made this for me.  His mom emailed it because their printer wasn't working.  He has autism so he doesn't always chat with me or express a lot, but this card he made me speaks volumes.  I've read them three Ramona books so far and they love them and I love them and I felt seen with this card he made.

We finished Ramona the Brave yesterday and they voted for the next read.  One of the options was the next Ramona book and another one was the next Humphrey book (among others).  Humphrey won by one  vote and the students who voted for Ramona were bugged.

I said their whole lives there would be elections and the person they voted for may not win, so they needed to learn to handle it gracefully.

One of them said, "We can say, 'aw shucks, maybe next time.'"  They nodded in agreement.

Imagine if third graders could help certain unnamed people with that attitude....

Especially after a long weekend, my students have a lot to share.  Yesterday morning I called them to the kiva.  They were bleary eyed with the new time change.  I told them the announcements and we said the pledge.  One of them raised her hand and said, "My grandpa is dying."

I said I was so sorry to hear that.

Another one raised her hand, "I had a smoothie yesterday."

(Which feels like the next thing to say when someone has shared some sad news?)

I said, "That sounds...good."

Suddenly they all wanted to share.

"I had a head-ache yesterday.  A heavy head-ache."

"Someone in my family is dying and they have kids."

"I went to St. George."

"My brother broke his arm."

On and on they went, telling me their things.  They are my people and I am theirs.  I am glad I get to read to them and I'm glad I get to tell them to get over it when they lose an election.  I'm glad I get to see them rise to big and small occasions.  I'm glad I get to be the one to hear their stories.