Go around the leaf

You would think I would have had dreams about the intense-didn't-see-that-coming-at-all murder mystery we watched.  But I didn't.  I had dreams about the coronavirus.  Specifically I had things to distribute and I didn't know how to do it without endangering people.  I don't know what I was even trying to distribute.

One of my teacher friends sent me this clip.

I can't get in touch with all my students. I can't meet them in the classroom or teach them actual lessons like I want to. We can't go to church. We can't have people over. I can't get together with Marie Louise to work on family history. Mark can't see his friends. We can't go to restaurants or movies.  Our kids didn't come over Sunday.

There's this big leaf in the way.  But we are trained professionals, right?  We can adapt.  We are adapting.

We can do this!

The getaway

Braeden texted Adam to ask him to read a paper he had toiled long on.  He was proud of his work and wanted to share.

Adam was driving so I texted back this:

Emma said she was going to pose for a "candid shot."

I told him we were on the road.

We had made a great escape.  It was a scaled back (way back) version of the trip we wanted to take.  We took a day trip to Bryce Canyon.  We only stopped for gas and Adam passed out hand wipes every time we got back in the car.

It was gorgeous!  And cold.  Adam wanted to see Bryce Canyon in the snow so I guess we had to expect the cold.  It is further south than us but higher in elevation.

This, from Emma:

They are great travel companions.  They kept us in music and witticisms.

Here is Mark, trying to keep my ears warm (I failed to bring my headband/ear warmer that is necessary to my happiness in the cold wind).

The picture reminded me of another picture from another family trip (it was a warmer trip and I had braces and I carried Mark almost the entire time):

Turns out National Parks are photogenic.  (You heard it here first.)

I loved the way these two friend trees were supporting each other.

Adam texted this picture to him mom and she said it looked like Emma was a gnome on top of his hat.  

I'd buy that hat.

Besides being the number one driver and navigator (it seems like I could help with that but I truly can't), Adam supplied witticisms of his own.

He pointed out that dangerous cliffs were watching our children.

Our children didn't seem to be bothered.

Grateful Friday

Here are some things making me grateful:

With a little assistance from Adam and Mark, I got the pantry cleaned and organized!  It was a major undertaking and will probably stay organized for about 5 minutes, but still.

My little home office makes me happy.  There are three plants in here and comfy chairs and pictures and cards and mementos that bring a smile to my face.  Also, every time I look up from my computer, this is what I see:

The little Eiffel tower key chain from France, the little Wonder Woman that I got from school last year, the picture of Adam that I think was taken in Tennessee?  And then the picture from our wedding.  Almost 25 years later, I still love that kid.

I love connecting with my students in Google Meet conferences and seeing a smile spread over their faces when we see each other.  I miss those kids!

I talked to most of my siblings this week because of my birthday.  It means so much to me that they all wanted to know how my kids are doing.  They care about my kids like I care about their kids and it is a cozy feeling.

I love checking in occasionally with our older kids.  When I talk to Braeden, he says, "Hello dear mother."  Emma says, "Well, hello" in this conspiring tone that makes you feel like you have an inside track on something great.

Yesterday Emma called to see if she could come over to work without distractions.  I said, "You don't have to ask, just come."  I also told her she was saving me because I had been sitting in my office for a very long time.  When she got here, I hugged her and said, "I'm starving."  

She said, "I could eat."  We rummaged around and found some taquitos in the freezer and heated them up.  She showed me the art she's been working on.  She started grading assignments for the class she is a TA for.  Braeden and Anna called after awhile and I was talking to them in the living room.  Emma walked in with her laptop and showed me the five best projects she had graded.  

I said to Braeden, "I am talking on the phone and it doesn't even matter.  Emma just came up and started talking to me."  

Emma said, "I'll be fast."  

Braeden kept talking.  Emma kept talking.  At the same time.  It reminded me that I am a mother and that is just what it is like sometimes.

For how upside down the world feels (online teaching, the world is closed, snowstorms and more little earthquakes...), I am loving all the time I have with Adam and Mark.  We have this easy co-existence trying not to interrupt each others' video calls and meeting up occasionally in the kitchen for snacks.  We watch a movie (or intense British murder mystery) in the evenings.  It's nice because I love those guys.

Speaking of Mark, we had a virtual appointment with his endocrinologist.  I love him too.  He is such a great doctor and a blessing in our lives.  He told me that because Mark's glucose levels are so good, he's not at any greater risk for COVID-19 than anyone else.  I asked him if I understood him correctly.  He said yes.

And then I felt like the world was a little lighter.

My new favorite thing

I get messages from my students every day thanking me for recording my read alouds.  They tell me they miss me.  They wonder if I had a good birthday.

I met with a few of my students on Google Meet yesterday.  I loved it!

One of the chatty girls was telling me all about everything, just like normal.

One boy said, "Where are you?  That doesn't look like our classroom."  I told him I was home and that seemed confusing.  Maybe he thinks I live at the school?

I have been putting my all into recording read alouds.  I take pictures of the illustrations and create slideshows to go along with the reading.  I asked the students I talked to today if they were listening to them.  They all said no.

I asked one boy if he'd seen my writing videos.  He said, "What videos?"

Sigh.

At the same time it felt kind of lovely and normal that some of them are ignoring my best efforts.  These same kids have been ignoring me all year.  The fact that they are still doing it is kind of like when you have a toddler who has been sick and they start running around terrorizing again.  It's a little bit of a relief.

Google Meet conferences are my new favorite thing.

This is not perfect but it is maybe working.  I'm getting responses trickling in from students.  We'll find our rhythm.

Entertainment

The Hale Center Theater in Orem which is one of my favorite places in Utah County for sure, is closed for business along with everywhere else, but they are streaming Daddy Long Legs.  It is an AWESOME show.  We watched it in the theater a few years ago and I loved it.  If you are looking for some great entertainment and a good opportunity to support a wonderful theater run by wonderful people, give it a try.

***

When our kids were brainstorming ideas for the point of view video, costumes were a must.  Of course they were.  Someone mentioned Mark could wear The Fur Coat and everyone oohed and said yesssss.

The Fur Coat once belonged to Adam's Grandma Kate.  It came into our possession years ago when Adam's sister Whitney moved to Atlanta.  In a total aunt move, she gave it to tween Braeden and he was thrilled.

When Braeden was in high school, he wore the coat to school at every opportunity.  Any dress up day costume he had somehow incorporated the coat.  One of his teachers told me once at a parent teacher conference, "I don't want to see that coat again."

It has hung in a docile manner on a hanger but now it seems to be reborn.  Having a new life.  Ever since Mark donned it as the big bad wolf, he has been wearing it.  The other night when we were snuggled on the bed I made him take it off because the texture is what you would imagine a fake fur coat that belonged to your great grandmother would feel like

Monday I came downstairs to find him participating in one of his online classes:

Here's another.  Different day, same pajama pants, same fur coat:

I guess it's fitting.  In my experience home schooled kids wear some pretty...unconventional...outfits.

The weekend

We ventured out for some errands and Mark went with us.  He usually bows out of errands but these days we won't let him do anything else so he is happy to go to the grocery store.

We texted Emma to see if she wanted to join us.  We picked her up.  We had no where to go and all day to get there.

We had a major lunch decision to make and drove around a little like crazy people (mostly on the same street) and finally landed on Tommy's which even without the Rona only has counter service and you eat outside.

Braeden called Mark while we were eating.  Emma and I checked our phones to see if we'd missed a call from Braeden and Mark was the last choice.  We hadn't.  (Everyone wants to be the first choice.)

Braeden said something to Mark about not being invited for lunch so I asked him to hand me the phone.

I said, "Hey Braeden, do you and Anna want to join us for lunch at Tommy's?"

He said, "Oh, thanks, but we've had lunch.  It's really nice of you to invite us though."

"No problem."  I handed Mark the phone back.

We went shopping and there was more food on the shelves than the previous week but still a lot of stuff was gone.  We came home and I cut Emma's hair (not exactly straight but I am not exactly a hairdresser) and she and I took a walk.

I'm not going to say she's my favorite but she's the only one who will take walks with me.

Mark took Emma back to Provo and then he took my laptop to Braeden's apartment to play Minecraft while Anna was out with friends.

(Braeden and Mark both tend to be alpha males but Braeden said that they found their rhythm eventually.)

That night Adam and I watched Unicorn Store on Netflix and it was so great that I texted Emma as the end credits were rolling and told her she HAD to watch it.

Sunday Emma came over for sacrament meeting and I love having sacrament meeting at home.  I have heard from a lot of people what a spiritual experience it is.  Light seems to fill our home and the familiar aspect of it is comforting and the novel aspect of it is meaningful.

Adam and Mark had a ward youth council meeting (virtually) so Emma and I took another walk.

Later, when Braeden and Anna arrived, I had them help me film a point of view video for my class.  Like I told my third grade team, my kids are theatrical and creative and weird so they will be good at it.

True on all counts.

Here is the video. If you are one of my lovely nieces or nephews, you can watch it as part of your home school.

It was created on Emma's phone, mostly filmed by her and completely edited by her.

Have a smart daughter.  That's all.

We had dinner, which Adam prepared while we were filming, and then ate the birthday cake Braeden and Anna brought.  (Adult children are not terrible.)  Our children gave us a gift of a family portrait at some future time.  Braeden and Anna hired their wedding photographer.  It is a perfect gift.

(After Braeden and Anna went home we watched Unicorn Store again with Emma and Mark.  It's that good.)

Adam and me

We have a lot in common (our birthdays for example!) but we are quite different too.

On Friday night I asked Adam what he was going to do the next day and he said, "I've been structured all week.  I want some unstructured time."

Saturday I wrote a detailed and comprehensive plan, mapping out what I want to do during this weird quarantined time and how I am going to fit in the things that matter.

He thrives on spontaneity like I thrive on routine.

We also approach gifts and gift giving differently.  Gifts are my love language and I love giving and receiving them.  Not so for Adam.  I struggle to understand that gifts don't matter to him and I try anyway.  There's a whole archive of unopened gifts I have bought him over the years in the closet in his office to document my enthusiastic and misguided efforts.

He said he wanted to go somewhere.  We have all this time and all these national parks.  "Let's go," he said.

I dragged my routine loving feet because we have stuff to do (I have lists!  They're color coded!) and also it's a crazy time to be going anywhere when hotels and restaurants and Maveriks are closed.

Then I thought about Adam and what I could really give him for his birthday (because I really really want to give him something).  I decided being onboard with his road trip scheme is my birthday gift to him.  We mapped out a route and picked hotel rooms.

I knew I would enjoy it.  Whenever he leads me on some impromptu adventure it is always worth it.

Happy birthday Adam!

Then.

Yesterday morning I woke up and read the news.  (I need to not read the news.  Someone tell me if something happens I need to know about.)  I started feeling anxiety and feeling like we shouldn't go on a trip.

But.

It was for Adam!  It was what he wanted!  It would probably be fine; I was just being my normal anxious self.

Then, when Adam woke up I said, "We need to talk."

I told him all the things and then he said, "I couldn't sleep last night because I was thinking about it and I finally thought maybe we shouldn't go.  Then I could sleep."

So.

We may take a smaller day trip but much like everything else in our lives, our other road trip is cancelled/postponed.

For our differences, we're on the same page more often than not.

Happy birthday Adam!

Grateful Friday

Adam is always up for an adventure and with our diminished schedules, he had the idea that we should take a trip for our birthday.  Drive to a National Park.  Spend a few nights.

Then we started looking at hotels and they're almost all closed.

I don't have to tell you what a strange time this is.  Even my daffodils are confused because we got a few inches of snow last night.

This was my view out the window this morning.

There's the temple.  It's a gentle and steady bright light on a dim morning, just like always.  It is mostly closed but its light still burns bright and covenants made there are still in effect.

I am grateful that we have everything we need to still worship and take the sacrament and pray and sing hymns at home, but I am looking forward to General Conference.  I hunger to hear from our leaders.

Other Things I'm Grateful for Today

• movie nights 
• spending more time with Adam and Mark 
• hearing from my students (I wish I heard from more of them!)
• having a little time for projects around the house
• a more relaxed pace to everything
• time to read
• I don't have to iron Mark's work shirts
• encouraging emails from my administration and teacher friends

Home

I brought everything I need from my classroom to be home.  Yesterday I recorded 4 loom videos for my class.  I felt like a champion because I figured out how to do it.  I have been emailing back and forth with a few of my students.  I'm worried about some others I haven't heard from at all.  The aides are looking for hours so I had them deliver the last four packets to the students' homes.

We are home and that isn't terrible.  First thing on my list today is to tidy up my desk in my office because I need the space for my teacher life now.  We have established something of a routine for Mark's home school life.  I told him we're having silent reading time after lunch like we did for about a decade when I home schooled.

Every night we watch a movie--or part of a movie if I get too sleepy.  So far we've watched Big Business, The Incredibles, Sister Act and part of My Fair Lady.

Life is surreal but we are home and for an introvert like myself, things could be worse.

The state of things

There was no toilet paper, hamburger or chicken at Costco.  There were about five cartons of eggs and a sign that said everyone could only have one.

Everyone was quiet as they shopped and also everyone seems sort of relaxed and unhurried.  That's what happens when you cancel everything I guess.

My classroom is very tidy and very depressing with its lack of 8 year olds.

There is an urgency about the teachers that warms my heart.  No one is mailing it in.  Everyone cares.

I had between 5-10 students stop by to get the packets I prepared.  It was a warm sunny day and they were relaxed and dressed like summer.  One girl brought some pictures she had drawn to show me.  Another girl told me that she likes homeschooling way more than coming to school because she gets to sleep in and gets an hour long recess.

I don't blame her.

I miss them.

I really miss the ones I haven't been able to be in contact with yet.  Are they OK?  It keeps me up at night even though they survived pretty well before I was their teacher and I need to chill out.

(Have you ever tried to chill out at 3:00 AM when anxiety is weighing you down?  I'm not good at it.)

I enlisted Olivia's help in translating a message to Spanish so I could communicate better.  I wish I could speak/read/write Spanish but at least I have her.

We have daffodils blooming and the love of our children and my stellar husband.  We have all the necessitities of life and are healthy.

I am grateful for all of that.

...and this morning we had an earthquake.  We have no damage, but seriously.  An earthquake?

My Village People

Yesterday my 3rd grade team and I spent most of the day in my classroom (they like it there because they say it's the most tidy but it really isn't, only sometimes).  We talked and pulled our hair out and took a walk around the playground (and talked) and discussed ideas and created google docs and plans and it all felt incredibly overwhelming.

I called Adam and asked for tech support.

I texted Emma and had her log into my google classroom to see how it looked.

The principal and our instructional coach stopped in to check on us.

The librarian and some of the aides offered their services.

Then Adam stopped by for more tech support and he spent the evening learning how the technology worked "so I can answer your questions."

(Adam has never had any schooling or education in tech.  He is just smart and figures it out.  He is 100% the best.  End of story.)

My parents were in town so they stopped by to chat.  We didn't hug.  I sent my dad home with my classroom stapler that is jammed.  It's either throw it away or send it to my dad's shop.  Because everything emerges from my dad's shop repaired.  End of story.

Mark and Adam are coming to my classroom today to help me make videos.  Mark is going to be in them (so is Horace--the goat) because my class hero worships Mark and Horace is a metal goat so why wouldn't he be in the videos?

I had a few messages of support and encouragement from the parents of my students.

After day one of planning and trying to figure this all out it feels impossible and also maybe, just maybe it will work.  I don't know.

I miss my class, but I'm grateful for my village.

Update

A week ago, I was desperate for ways to see Mark more.  He was working crazy hours and my schedule and his didn't intersect.

A pandemic wasn't exactly what I had in mind, but I am grateful that we have more time together.

We crawl into our bed every night--Mark in the middle which is his favorite place to be.  We take turns picking a movie and he pokes me and checks on me if he senses I'm falling asleep.  Which is definitely something he did as a toddler too.

***

I've been astounded by the panic shopping that has happened.  We went to the grocery store as is our custom on Saturday and there was not ONE bit of fresh produce.  Nothing.  I can't imagine that everyone is going to be able to eat everything they bought.  It's crazy.

We have plenty of food; I'm grateful for that.  It is just so surprising that people are hoarding weird things--like lettuce and toilet paper.  It doesn't feel related to an upper respiratory illness.

***

School is cancelled for the next two weeks at least.  Today and tomorrow we are going to try to figure it out, then Wednesday we start online school.  I feel like I'm going to need more than two days to get that up to speed.  So much of teaching is gauging the understanding on their faces and adjusting what you're saying.  Also, I'm not sure if they all have devices or internet service.  The school can lend out Chromebooks, but not internet service.  Some parents will be more able and willing to keep the kids on task than others.  I worry about my little students' education and just general wellbeing.  It's possible I'm attached to them.

***

We had a nice Sunday.  I enjoyed having the sacrament at home and we did a little family history and took a walk and played some games and had our Come Follow Me lesson.  We also had a Zoom meeting with everyone in my family.  My parents were practicing for their Pathways assignment (they facilitate a Pathways group).  It was nice to see everyone.

***

Things feel upside down and unsettled.  But not terrible.  Spring, the birds and the sunrise and sunset don't know about The 'Rona as Desi called it when we were playing Snake Oil.  There's still a lot of beauty in the world.

Grateful Friday

Wow.  How's everyone doing out there?  We've had an altering of schedules around here to say the very least.  BYU/BYU Women's Conference/BYU Women's Chorus Concert all suspended or canceled.  Adam's work is sending people home to work so he is trying to help figure that all out.  Alpine School district will have minimal days next week for two days to prepare for the possibility of having us resort to online schools.  The Hale Theater is closing its doors for a few weeks.  No church meetings.

So basically every single one of us has had major changes in the last 24 hours.

It's a little jarring.

But...

It is grateful Friday after all.

I'm grateful for the priesthood blessing that Adam gave me when I was low key spiraling about Mark.

I'm grateful for the smart people at the helm who are working to figure out how to take care of our little ones that rely on the school for food and child care.

I'm grateful for technology that will allow us to still be connected and to still watch conference and to watch Netflix.

I'm also grateful that I get to text our kids.

Anxiety

I wasn't worried about it.

I thought people stockpiling bottled water were straight up crazy, because why?

But I keep hearing more and more so I texted Stella.  I was expecting her to tell me all was well and settle yourself down.

She said, "It's a big deal."

She told me Mark is in a high risk category.  She told me all about it and what to do and what to look for and what to prepare for and even though it wasn't what I was hoping for--her calling it a false alarm--it was soothing to get some advice from someone I completely trust and who can explain medicine to me.  She told me it won't last forever.

Then BYU Women's Conference has been canceled.  Rats!

Braeden sent this last night:

I'm worried about Mark--and not just his health.  He's been working too many hours and they are stretched too thin at the theater.

I hate it.

I miss him.

And so does his homework.

In the meantime, I'll do what I can.  I'll take care of what I can control.  I will pray about the rest.

Good news:  I'm back in my classroom today!  I have missed it!  And those little darlings better cover their mouths when they cough....

Day 2 of working but not teaching

Yesterday I went to a conference in Provo and I'm going again today.  It feels weird to not be with my class.

I have a LOT (seriously) to learn and particularly about technology and this conference is about using technology in the classroom.  I've learned some good things that I want to use.  Reading is not on the list of things that I don't know though.

Dear presenters who just read their slides aloud to us: 

Stop. 

Stop. 

You. Are. Killing. Me.

Mostly though, the classes were really good.  I went to one class and learned more about Nearpod which I had used before but had just tried half heartedly to teach myself about and now I feel like I know actual stuff about Nearpod.

Part of it was a Time To Climb quiz and...

I won!  You'd better believe I took a screen shot so I could brag on our family group chat (and also here apparently).  There were like 5 questions and they weren't very hard at all but I answered them fastest and I got a free t-shirt and a free pen so as Emma would say, it went straight to my head.

I stopped at my classroom on the way home to reset it.  Walking inside the school, I met a 4th grade teacher who was leaving.  I asked her how my class had fared in their first Battle of the Books (they were offended that I had to miss their first battles) and she told me she had retrieved my kids who were battling and I felt grateful for her help.

I walked into my empty classroom and saw that one student hadn't put his Chromebook away and another had left a worksheet on the floor.

I glanced over the sub notes and set out everything for the next day.

I updated the schedule on the board and changed the date and switched the math centers and decided I missed my class.

I'll be glad when the conference is over and I can be back with them.

Professional Development

Yesterday there was no school unless you were a teacher.  One of the things I really really like about my job are who I work with.  They are my people.  We are all different ages and have different life circumstances but we have this really huge thing in common and I love it.

Also, in addition to the teacher thing, during our lunch break a few of us were talking about our church callings present and past, our Relief Society lessons yesterday, and then the power of the Atonement of Jesus Christ.  So you know, just the usual....

After our meetings that felt worthwhile and encouraging, we went to a shooting range for some team bonding.

Not a natural fit for people who work in a strictly gun free zone but there we were.

One of my friends took this picture and texted it to me.

Even though I shot a gun a few times growing up, I was clearly out of my comfort zone.  After my first few shots, the guy working there said, "Would you like me to show you how to hold it?"

"Yes, please."

We loaded our own magazines and let me tell you that looks way easier in the movies.

It's nothing that I'm going to start doing as a hobby but it was a fun experience and little did I know that my job which takes up so much of my leisure time would give me such good friends!

More than just theater tickets

I mostly feel hassled by Mark's job at the Hale Theater.  I used to feel a little hassled by Emma's job there too but since she doesn't live at home it doesn't bother me anymore.

The problem is the timing.  They usually have to leave around 6:00 and it used to be before Adam got home from work and now it's hard to get myself in order to make dinner because I've been at work.

This weekend, I had a window into how really great it is for them and I will feel less angsty about the inconvenience of the whole dinner thing.

For starters, Mark worked a lot this week.  He was scheduled Tuesday-Thursday and then 13 hours on Saturday.  Emma has recently been promoted to be a door manager and Friday was her first night alone at the helm.  She was short ushers so Mark volunteered to work even though he tries to hold Fridays sacred for his friends.

Then, we did manage to have dinner on Friday night and Mark said a blessing before we ate.  He prayed for Emma on her first night being door manager.

Hearing Mark pray is one of the delights of my life.

Saturday we stole a little time in between shows and took Emma and Mark to a late lunch.  I loved hearing them chat about work.  I love seeing the dynamic of Emma being Mark's boss.  It's not always rosy; Emma has never not ever been afraid to tell either of her brothers what's on her mind.  She told Mark to vacuum a part of the theater when they got back and I know for a fact that Mark hates vacuuming more than any household chore.  He earnestly nodded at her and said, "OK, I will."

Adam and I had tickets to the theater Saturday night.  We stood in the line to pick up our tickets from our boy.  I said something to him about being the cutest usher and the woman in line in front of me gave me a sideways look.

Then we stopped into the box office and showed Emma the tickets Mark had reserved for us.  She decided she could do better so she printed us new tickets for better seats.

She said, "Come back and see me during the intermission."

At the intermission we decided there were empty seats that were better than ours so she gave us the go ahead to change seats again.

It's not just nice to have a resource to upgrade your seats though.  Here's the part I loved the most.  During the intermission, Mark was in the lobby and Emma was in the box office.  Mark was head usher and he and Emma were talking through their headsets and troubleshooting some of the technology up front not working.  Emma was helping a patron and dealing with the activity in the lobby and then she said into the headset, "I'm on my way."

She said, "They need help with concessions."

Adam and I stood in the wings off to the side of the lobby and watched in awe as Emma and Mark deftly served drinks and candy and counted changed and had these friendly tones of voice that aren't always...in full view.

I was thinking what a great thing it is for them to be responsible for something and have to problem solve when things go wrong.  There was nothing we could do to help and they didn't seem to need us anyway.

It felt kind of like when they first rode a bike by themselves.  Wow!  Look at them go!

Grateful Friday

I'm grateful for BYU--and living close to BYU.

Wednesday night Adam went to Salt Lake City to watch the BYU choirs and philharmonic orchestra perform their Christmas concert as part of a choir conference. In March? But he loved it.  And Emma loved being able to sing in a Christmas choir because she was in France when they did the actual concert at BYU.

I wish I could have gone!  I was knee deep in grades and exhausted so I wanted to go to bed earlier than the 11:30 time he got home (he drove Emma home so he could spend extra time with her).

He sent this picture:

Also, the BYU Dunk Team came to my school yesterday:

Sort of blurry picture of a picture but it was awesome and the kids LOVED it!

At one point they had all the teachers come to the center of the gym and they had the students scream and cheer for us.

If they had really wanted to gift us, how about 10 seconds of silence?

It was nice though and those dunk team kids are straight up athletic.

I'm grateful for my students who desperately wanted me to be picked as a volunteer at the assembly, who hug me and say they love me before they go home in the afternoon, who are over the moon about my prism and rainbows it makes and who told me indignantly that I didn't need to go to professional development meetings because I am already "a really great teacher."  It melted my heart; they are awfully sweet.

I am grateful for my teacher friends.  It feels so nice to have friends.  We are united in purpose and experience and they inspire me with their goodness and incredibly Christlike outlook on life.

I am grateful for our children who are understanding of my life and are supportive and encouraging.  They are mostly better than I deserve.

Speaking of supportive and encouraging, I'm appreciative of Adam and my mom for their constant reassurance and belief in me.

This week has been hard.  It has just been a confluence of circumstances that made me have a bigger than normal work load and smaller than normal prep time.

Next week doesn't look much better.

In the meantime, it feels wonderful to have people that have my back.

Don't look at the wall

Don't look at the wall.  Your car goes where your eyes go.

-Mario Andretti

A few days ago I listened to a podcast from my very favorite podcaster, Emily P. Freeman, and she quoted the above Mario Andretti quote.

And so I've been thinking about it like I think about Emily P. Freeman's podcasts all the time.

I've been wondering what my wall is.  And here's what I've come up with:  my wall is this irrational feeling that I'm letting everyone down.

I'm not doing enough for Mark, Adam is picking up too much slack, I single-mindedly do what's right in front of me and things slip through the cracks, I'm pretty novice at this whole teaching gig but I want to be an expert teacher because I love those kids and I want to be the best for them.

It's exhausting.

And not helpful.

I need to keep my eyes where I want my car to go.  I want to be loving and helpful and kind and open minded to learning new things and improving.  I want to be flexible with life's curveballs and resilient.  Focusing on my failings won't get me there.

Sunshine

Maybe I can blame it on growing up in a house that had lots of windows but no curtains.

I like sunlight.

I'm the one who goes out on the deck barefoot to take a picture of the morning light hitting the mountains.  My feet were cold but the mountains were stunning.

I think I'm the only teacher who keeps her blinds open during the day.  I think the consensus is that the playground would be a distraction but I just ignore the little faces that press curiously against my window and they eventually get bored and go away.

I bought a prism to hang in my window because what's sunshine without a myriad of tiny rainbows?

It came from Amazon in a two pack so last night I was trying to decide where to hang the other one at home.

The problem is that the sun moves with the day and the season and what I really want to do is walk around and hold it in the maximum sunlight all day.

I took a picture to send my kids--so they could congratulate me on my rainbows.  Emma complied.

I didn't even realize until later that my sunshine quote made it into the picture too.

 Grades are due Friday and I'm NOT READY.  I'll need all the sunshine in my pocket I can get today.

Math thespians

Last night Adam and I went to the school to judge math projects.  Very much as exciting as it sounds....

Every student needed to have at least one representative there to judge the projects.  It was a huge part of Mark's grade and I decided my job was to go around and make a deal with all the other parents, "Let's just go REALLY EASY on these kids."

You scratch my back and I'll scratch yours.

Adam and I were a team.  He would ask questions about sine and cosine and ask about what challenges they had.  I would smile and nod encouragingly and tell everyone they did a great job.

People clearly gravitate to their tribe.  The students mostly worked in pairs.  There were the earnest math whizzes who knew a lot about what they had done.  There were the jocks who kind of didn't seem to.  There were the artistic girls who had gone all out in decorating their posters.

Then there were the drama kids.

Mark was with Jensen a.k.a. Jean Valjean in the recent blockbuster Les Miserables at Pleasant Grove High School.

Look at that kind parent acting so captivated!  We all had a part to play.  All the world's a stage.

A lot of the kids mumbled along presenting their work and were hard to hear but these two spoke with enthusiasm and hand gestures and made eye contact at key intervals.

I sort of wanted them to break into song.

Adam told them after, "You didn't need to be good at math.  You just needed to act like you were good at math."

"Exactly!" Jensen said.

Rejoice

Maybe because I recently came across this picture of my grandparents on Family Search, or maybe because Elder Oaks reminded me so much of my grandpa last week...I don't know.

But I have been thinking about them.

By the way, I love that picture.  I think I mostly love the goats and I love my grandma's handwriting.  My dad wasn't born yet when the picture was taken but I asked him about the goats and he told me some goat stories.  I said, "I did not think Grandpa was the type of person who would have goats."

My dad said, "Well, he did."

I am one of many grandchildren and one of many girl cousins about the same age.  As such, I didn't ever have a lot of one on one time with my grandparents, but I always felt loved by them.  I had the good fortune of having them nearby for most of my growing up years.  We celebrated holidays together.  They'd come to our house for birthdays.  We would roast hot dogs over a fire in their yard on willow sticks that my brothers and/or boy cousins trimmed with their pocket knives at least once every summer.

I also heard them speak in church and I heard them pray.  I saw them serve in big and small, but always consistent, ways.

I saw them react to really hard things that happened to them (like their house burning down or people they loved making bad choices).  I am sure they had private times of discouragement but from my distance as one of many granddaughters, I never saw them downcast or in despair.  I saw them optimistic and full of faith.

The older I get, the more there seems to be a potential to be weighed down by sorrow and discouragement and disappointment.  The more people you love the more worried and anxious you can become for their welfare and choices.

President Nelson said (and I think my grandparents lived this):

The joy we feel has little to do with the circumstances of our lives and everything with the focus of our lives.

One of my favorite passages of scripture is the second half of 2 Nephi 4.  I have been thinking about this sentence from verse 28:

Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.

Once upon a time, my grandparents hitched up two goats to a cart and bundled their young family up and took a picture.  Then they sent it as a Christmas card.  If that doesn't make my heart rejoice, I don't know what does.