Cared for

Yesterday Mark found out that he does indeed have celiac disease.  I talked to him during lunch.  I felt sad.

Mark texted the news to our family chat group and everyone immediately sent him back love and Braeden additionally texted me.

Then he asked if I wanted to talk and I said yes and we chatted for a few minutes.

Ever since he was a toddler that kid has been taking care of me.  He always has a sense about my mood and can always make me feel better.

Adam and Emma both texted me later that they had talked to Mark and that he seemed OK.  I think he just needed to process at first and then he regained his usual stoicism.

Even though we're scattered, I love feeling the warmth and safety net of family.

***

Yesterday after school ten teachers showed up in the third grade hall.  Everyone grabbed desks and moved them and asked, "How can I help?"

Everyone especially turned their attention to Miriam.  Everyone told her, "You've got this!" and "You're room looks so good!" and "Those kids are so lucky!"

Warm safety nets abound in the world.

One day more

Ever since school started, I have felt like I was in survival mode.   I was doing what had to be done that day.  And there was a lot.  With so much new curriculum and new training and you know...all the kids (Oh, have I mentioned my big class?  I don't really talk about it much....ha), there hasn't been time for the kind of regular administrative and physical maintenance that keeps things running smoothly and a classroom tidy.

It was starting to catch up with me in a big way.  For example, my desk looked more like a pile than a desk.  A haphazard pile that was either going to topple or self combust at any minute.

Yesterday I stayed at school for eleven hours to try to put things in order.

Emma brought me dinner.

I would have stayed longer except I had to go to Relief Society.

Today I'm going to stay late too.  For one thing, we are doing the big desk move after school.  We invited all the teachers at the school to the party.

I am SO ready for a smaller class.

Yesterday was picture day and when I took my group to the gym, the lady taking the pictures said, "So, this is two classes?"

"Just one," I said.

Her eyes widened.

I know, I wanted to tell her, I know.

A word about Relief Society.  I didn't really want to go because I wanted to either stay at school or go home and sleep.  I went though and I'm glad I did.

It was a craft night and I went around from table to table, chatting with my friends and making pretty things.

Sometimes you do something out of obligation and it ends up being exactly what you needed.

 

It was a whole Monday

A student has braces and a wire was poking him and bothering him.  I had him go call his mom.  She said he had an appointment on Thursday and to deal with it.  She obviously 1) has never had a braces wire poking her and 2) has never tried to get a third grader to work when he has a braces wire poking him.  

The student solved the problem though.  He yanked the wire out.  It was impressive. And a little alarming.

Another student didn't so much bring a water bottle as a plastic cup with an ill fitting lid.  She filled it up and promptly spilled it all over the floor.

Another student emptied the contents of his pocket onto the floor first thing in the morning.  It was full of potato chip crumbs.  

Later in the day he asked to use the bathroom.  When he didn't come back for a long time, I sent a student to the bathroom to check.  He wasn't there.  I found him in the office.  He had told the secretary he needed to check out and go home.

No sir.

Another student pulled out his tooth and was straight up traumatized by the experience.

Another student had a come apart crying jag because he didn't get to go to the reading room for interventions.  (Sorry kid, you read too well.)

Another student had a come apart crying jag because they had cheese pizza rather than pepperoni for lunch.

About four of them needed bandaids.

I confiscated a paper airplane, a bouncy ball, three water bottles (because they. wouldn't. stop. messing. with. them.)

In the afternoon I don't have anyone to help with the non English speakers.  I type things into google translate on my phone and both boys giggle when I have them listen to it.  Are they giggling because it is nonsensical or are they giggling because the disembodied voice telling them what to do is inherently bizarre to them?

I have no idea.

The new teacher is starting on Thursday.  That won't take the crazy out of third grade but it will reduce it by 12 students.

I.

Will.

Take.

It.

Also, why is teacher capitalized in that meme?  I don't know.  The sentiment is solid though.

Weekending

Friday after school we had six candidates for third grade teacher to interview.  I discovered I don't like interviewing.  I want to hire them all because I know how awful interviewing and being rejected is.

We selected the best candidate for the job though.  We chose the PE teacher.  Janelle and I wanted her because we like her and know she's a good teacher but also because we know the kids already love her and the transition will be easier for them.

I felt lighter knowing help was on the way!

Adam and I went to dinner and stopped by the school to give Miriam (the new teacher) the key to her new classroom.  She was already getting things ready.

Also, because I had a bee in my bonnet about my classroom library, we went to two Walmarts to buy bins to store books.

Two Walmarts on a Friday night shows you we know how to party.

Saturday morning, I hosted a brunch at our house to show appreciation to the ladies who are serving in Relief Society.  The other members of the presidency said they would bring the food if we could have it at our house.

It was a very nice party to prepare for.  All I had to do was set the table, which is my favorite thing anyway.

We had a lovely time.  We laughed a whole lot and a few times eyes welled with tears which is pretty much par for course when you have women together who love each other and talk about real things.

In the afternoon, I picked up Janelle and we went back to the school.  Janelle's car is in the shop so Adam and I got the idea to let her drive the van, which has been parked on the side of our house since Mark left.

Adam said he would clean it out (did I mention Mark had been driving it?) and meet us at the school.  He pulled it into the garage to clean it and then couldn't get it started again.  He couldn't get the battery charged and when he removed his foot from the gas or turned the key to off, it would make a clicking sound like it was trying to start.

I decided it was probably haunted, which seemed like the most likely reason.

Mark thought that it missed him and had lost the will to live since he'd left.

You can see we're very scientific with our diagnosis of car troubles.

Adam and Emma came to the school in Adam's car and we helped Miriam hang bulletin boards and organize stuff.  Everyone was better at cutting the big sheets of paper off the roll than me.  

Miriam said it was because I was short, which was offensive.  I'm not short.

I mean, compared to her and every member of the family I grew up in I am short, but I'm not short.

Miriam played college basketball and is 6'1".  We were chatting about height while she was doing the stapling up top and she said her parents were "really short."  Her dad is 5'10" and her mom is 5'7".  I said, "That's not short!"

No one believes me.

I need shorter friends.

I worked more on my class library and I ended up not happy about it.  I told Adam that the make do part of my personality was warring with the I want it to look good part of my personality and I was losing.

Adam just shakes his head at me at times like that.

Kind of like how Miriam shook her head at me when I said I wasn't short. 

When we got home, Adam tried to deal more with the haunted/missing Mark van.  We had talked to my parents earlier and he'd had my dad weigh in on the mystery.  My dad said, "That's strange."

Then he suggested unhooking and re hooking up the battery connection.  The car version of turning it off and on again, I guess.

It didn't help.  We took the battery to Auto Zone (by we, I mean I held the door open for Adam while he carried that heavy thing).  They said it was dead.  A good diagnosis.  It's not that old of a battery so there is some other trouble. 

I'm not ruling out it is haunted.

Sunday was a migraine day.

We also talked to our kids and I did a little yoga which helped my whole neck, back, headache situation.  Braeden and Anna told us that they both got new church callings, Braeden is a YM advisor and Anna is the second counselor int he YW presidency.  It made me happy thinking of those two serving.  Mark told Braeden an idea for the young men and it was a game that Adam had made up and taught Mark when Adam was his leader.

It is a blessing to our boys that they watched Adam serve so well all those years.

Sunday night we capped off the day with watching a new episode of the Great British Baking Show.  It is pretty much the icing on the cake to any weekend.

Plus it was cake week.

  

Grateful Friday

 1) I went to the dentist, which I was dreading, and everything was fine with my tooth.  That tooth.  The one that has been a problem child.

2) The dentist appointment was at 5:00 for both Adam and me.  We came home to a dinner prepared by Emma.  She said, "I hope it's good."  

I said, "It will be because we didn't have to make it."

And it was good.  Grateful for my grown girl!

3) There's a second grader with a fairly new diabetes diagnosis.  I overheard his mom talking to an aide in the hall and the mom was in tears and really stressed out.  After they were done talking, I went up to her and told her that my son has type 1 diabetes.  Her reaction made me tear up a little.  She seemed so grateful to have someone who could relate.  And I can.  We chatted a minute about all the things.  We walked down the hall and when I got to my classroom, she said, "Wait.  You're a teacher?"

I said yes.  She said, "And you teach 3rd grade?" 

I said yes.  She said, "Oh!  Next year!"

And I felt grateful.  Every time something hard yields an opportunity to have empathy, it feels like a well spent trial.

4) One of my new students has struggled to behave.  He has been AWOL a few times, he fights, he does what he wants.  He doesn't speak English.  Yesterday we had a meeting with his mom.  The secretary was the interpreter and an administrator and I were there with the mom.  While we talked, her sons waited in the office.  Emily poked her head in the door and held up two granola bars and asked the mom, in Spanish, if she could give them to her sons.  

We explained the situation to the mom and she was tearful and grateful and apologetic.  We assured the mom that her son will be fine.  We told her we just needed to communicate so they knew the expectations.  She said that when they were in Mexico he didn't have school for a year and a half.  Where they were was VERY shut down with covid.  Sometimes I wonder how much covid is going to steal from these children.  It is clear that he is very smart.  It is also clear he doesn't remember how to be at school.

And we can work with that.

We talked about some plans and what they could do at home.  We want him to retain his Spanish.  I asked if they had a notebook at home he could write in, in Spanish.  She said, "No.  But I can get one."

I said, "I will give you one."

I went to my classroom and came back with 6 notebooks so he could choose his color.

He picked green and he grinned at me and said, "Thank you!" in his endearing English.

School has felt super hard lately and not nearly as joyful as usual.  Every once in a while though, I remember that I love that school and the way the adults in the building pull together to champion each child.  Every once in a while, I remember how much I love being around children and connecting with them.  And letting them pick their notebook.

Back to school, again

Braeden starting a PhD program is a little head spinning to me.  I can take very little credit for the smart brain that kid naturally possesses but I did teach him to read.  Of everything large and small I have accomplished in life, teaching three little people to read is high on my list.  

He texted this picture yesterday:

Emma commented on the quality of light and said it looked like a Baroque painting.  She said it had a Vermeer quality about it.

I didn't know Vermeer was Baroque.

Emma explained to me the difference between northern Baroque and southern Baroque.

My kids are grown up and know more than me.  That is all.

Because I could, I found this picture of Braeden ten years ago on his first day of high school.

I love Emma's outrageous bedhead and I love the fact that she was up to see him off in her pajamas that used to be one of Adam's referee shirts (Braeden had 6:00 seminary and that was probably the only time she was up that year to see him off).  I love the way he is entertaining her.

That look of joy they are sharing?  That pretty much sums up their relationship.

Living the dream

Ever since I was a little girl, I thought glasses on a chain were the thing. They seemed really practical and also glamorous.  I don't know.  I was a weird kid.  Adam knew that about me and a few years ago, before I even had reading glasses, he bought me two glasses chains for Christmas, a silver one and a gold one.

Because a girl needs options.

I enlisted the chains into mask service.  I attached them to my masks last year and it was super handy.

I am at the I-need-reading-glasses stage of life.  This summer, I tried one contact corrected for far and one for near at the suggestion of my cousin Margaret.  They made me a little dizzy for a few days but I got used to that.  The problem was that the distance wasn't crisp enough.  Sitting in my classroom, I could tell what time it was on the clock across the room, but the numbers weren't perfectly clear.

It bugged me.

Also, my prescription had changed a little so I got new contacts for the new prescription.  Those clock numbers are crystal clear!  Seeing things at a distance is great!  Up close is way worse with the new contacts.  I'm not sure how that works.  When I wear my glasses with the old prescription, I can read small words.  When I wear my new contacts, I can't.

So I've been using reading glasses a lot at school.  I was pushing them up onto my hair when I didn't need them and my hair would get tangled around the hinges and then I remembered the glasses chains!

I sent a picture to my family yesterday, feeling jubilant.

I proudly showed Janelle and she said, "Most people wouldn't...want that."

I am not most people.  The heart wants what the heart wants.  Picture me, strutting around my (very crowded) classroom feeling practical and glamorous.

(Speaking of my crowded classroom, we are interviewing applicants on Friday after school.  Hoping the new teacher starts sometime next week.  At the end of the tunnel there's a light!)

There's sick and then there's sick

Yesterday Emily came to talk to me about one the students we share who went home early because they were sick.

She doubted they were actually sick.  She said their mom was home from work and the student knew the mom was a softie.

I said I was that mom.  Our kids always knew to ask me rather than Adam about staying home.  (I think I got it from my dad.  When I was a kid and wanted to stay home from school he would say, "I think you'd better stay home with me and let the other kids catch up.")

Emily said, "We never stayed home unless we were actually sick because the chore list was long if we weren't sick."

Then she added, "My mom was a teacher."

Maybe she meant her mom was working because I can see that would make a huge difference in letting your kids stay home, but it seemed like she said it because a teacher doesn't put up with nonsense.

I nodded like that made sense and then I realized later, wait.  I'm a teacher....

Bare minimum day

Friday was a hard day.  Really hard.  I had a migraine.  At school.  Here's a fact:  you can tell 35 third graders you have a headache, a bad one.  You can ask them to please be quieter.  Please stop.

They won't.

They can't.

It was awful.

I considered going home but I didn't want to leave.  Also I didn't want to majorly inconvenience everyone at the school two weeks in a row with me skipping out.

At lunchtime, I didn't eat because I felt super nauseous anyway.  I turned off my lights and locked the door so I could lie down on the floor.  It was more comfortable than it sounds.  I closed my eyes and tried to keep the world from roiling.  

I prayed a lot too and I actually started to feel a little better and by after school, I ate part of my lunch.  It was quiet in the school and that helped.

When I was about ready to go home, Mr. Dawson made an announcement on the loudspeaker that we were hiring a new third grade teacher.  A cheer erupted in the school from my fellow teachers in their classrooms.  Everyone has been walking around looking at Janelle and me like we were tributes in the hunger games.  

It was happy news and I hope someone is hired SOON.  I texted all my teacher friends to ask them if they knew anyone looking for a job.

We went to MOD for dinner (Mark's choice) and I came up with a new holiday to celebrate on Saturday:  Bare Minimum Day.

I asked everyone what the bare minimum they needed/wanted to do for the day.  Emma and Mark decided they could pool their clothes and do a little load of laundry.  I had laundry to fold as well as plants to tend and mail to go through.  Adam's list was far more ambitious than ours.  He had a full list of outdoor/yard chores.

We decided we'd help each other until everyone's list was complete.

I finished my stuff before anyone else was even awake and we woke up to a blustery rainstorm.

It made me happy, that rain.  I wanted Adam to have a day that was a break and the heavens agreed with me.

The day was sublime.  We sat around and chatted and went to lunch and went to the outlet mall for a warm coat for Mark.  (Emma bought a shirt and I bought two sweaters accidentally because I don't need sweaters.)

We came home and napped and then went to the Sounders match.  They were playing Real Salt Lake.

The Sounders didn't win but I wasn't really there for the soccer.  We were in the posh executive suite with delicious food plus I mostly like the drama.  (It's the same way I like the Yale Alumni magazine for the personal ads.  I don't know, I just get delighted by people looking for love but only from other Ivy leaguers.  And also, they list their degrees in the ads.)  Emma and Mark decided that college soccer players are probably all theater majors.  Mark leaned over to me and said, "Theater 1075?  It's only for soccer players."

As we drove to and from the soccer match, Mark read aloud from my blog.  It is fun revisiting things from years past.  Writing about nothing adds up to something.

Sunday after church we took Mark back to Logan.  We talked to Braeden and Anna on the phone while we drove there.  They are happy and discovering their new place.  Braeden has an office to share with other graduate students and Anna is starting her new job at the library soon.  I love picturing them figuring out their new life together.  

Once at USU, we walked around the campus a little and Mark showed us the buildings he frequents.  I like seeing him proud of his place.  I didn't like leaving him there....

The weekend was a nice one though.  It was exactly what I needed.  Sometimes the bare minimum is all you need to do.

Grateful Friday

The plan was always that Mark was coming home this weekend.

Adam surprised us by getting him last night.  

I'll take all the Mark hugs I can get.

I asked him if he wanted to go to school with me and he said no and I think that's a good choice because that place is crazy.

I asked him if he brought his laundry and he said, "No.  I did my laundry today before I left."

Rookie mistake.

I'm so grateful to have him home!  I'm grateful to hear laughter bubbling from Emma because Mark is here entertaining her.  I'm grateful for Friday (because this week....) I'm grateful for cooler but still summery weather.  

The world is lovely.

Especially when Mark is home.

Light at the end of the tunnel

All the people who could have championed our cause at our school and in the district have been championing our cause and it. looks. like. things. are. happening.

Nothing is a done deal yet, but I feel hopeful and happy about everything. 

And I have no time to blog because for now, I still have 35 of them....

Here we go again

An alert for Hispanic Heritage Month beginning today popped up on my computer.  I'm celebrating by getting another new student who doesn't speak English.

That will make 35.

I have no words.

Except to say that I cried in my principal's office yesterday, which was bound to happen and aren't we all surprised it didn't happen earlier?

(He had Kleenex. It was fine.  I'm fine.  Everything's fine.)

Sometimes I really do write about nothing

Sunday kind of knocked me flat.  Then I didn't sleep well (which is my unfortunate pattern when a day knocks me flat and I really need sleep).  Monday was survived.  I had a meeting in the afternoon and my sub spoke Spanish which really helped the whole I have a brand new student who doesn't speak any English thing.

Also, I had a student go on the lam during my meeting so the secretary came to get me and I had to coax him back to class.  

Life is never dull in an elementary school.

I went home, running on empty.  A package was on our doorstep.  Adam had ordered me a t-shirt as a little surprise and it arrived on the perfect day when I needed a lift.  It delighted me.

I immediately slipped it on and had Adam take a picture to text our Star Wars loving boys.

The bees are TIE fighters!

Some days are hard.

But some days you get a Winnie the Pooh Star Wars t-shirt.

On balance, life is pretty good.

We hold forever in our hearts

Friday I held my tears in until I got to the car.  I called Adam, who was also driving home from work, and said, "I might as well cry on the way home and get it over with."

I was boiling over with frustration and sadness.  My class is huge and their challenges feel insurmountable.  On Friday I had assessed my newest student.  He can't read or do pretty basic math.  Then I found out I'm getting another new student today.

And he doesn't speak English.

I want to be a good teacher.  I want to help them all.  I want to give them the world.

Adam always says the right things and reminds me that my best is good enough and that just by loving them, that's something.

I still sent an angsty email to my principal when I got home, railing against the inequity for these students and their third grade experience.

They don't call Mr. Dawson Mr. Awesome for nothing.  He wrote back almost immediately that he didn't mind my rant one bit.  I know he's on my side and I know he is doing all he can to support me.

It helps.

Saturday we did our round of household chores.  Emma and I switched out some summer pillows for autumnal pillows.  I told her I wasn't ready to go "full pumpkin" but we made a few tweaks.  I went outside and cut some black eyed susans that are growing wild on the hill.  I put them in a vase on the mantel.

Sometimes it is restorative to do things like that that remind me of me.  Puttering around my house reminds me of me. 

We have an apple tree on the side of our house that we sorely neglect.  About once a year we go gather all the apples we can before the squirrels make an even bigger mess than they already have.  Saturday was that day.  It is a very prolific little tree, despite our neglect.  I can't imagine how many apples it would yield if we knew what we were doing.  I filled two buckets with apples that were intact and we threw away a lot of apples that were either rotten, squirrel bitten or wormy.

Maybe someday we'll become better apple tree stewards.

In the meantime, I had an agenda for my classroom.  Adam and Emma went with me and we hauled some of the furniture out of the room and spread the desks out more so that it doesn't feel quite so crazy.  

It still feels crazy.  

There was a lot of jockeying.  This student can't sit by that student.  This one can't see so needs to be in the front.  I tried to surround my new student's desk with Spanish speaking kids.  

Later, I wrote another email to my school administrators.  I said I have all this mama bear energy to direct somewhere since my kids are grown.  I will advocate for my students.  I proposed better aide time and more help.  

I'm going to keep beating that drum.

Janet texted me to see how Mark was doing.  She also sent me this picture in an effort to destroy me?

I don't know if it's the red curls or the chunky shoes or intense concentration in that yellow chalk blob that get me the most.  I think all of the above.  

Man, I miss that kid.

Janet also told me the tragic news that our friend Cynthia had passed away after a relatively short battle with cancer.

I keep thinking about her and their family. My heart hurts for them.  Cynthia's two daughters are just a little older than our kids.

We haven't been in each other's orbits much since we've moved to Utah.  Maybe seeing each other once or twice.  But Cynthia was just this lovely person who made everything better.   I was remembering Cynthia inviting our kids to swim in their pool and bringing out these enormous tubs of ice cream she had on hand for just such impromptu occasions.  I remember parties she hosted and working together on the night hike for Girls' Camp.  I remember the hand me down clothes Emma wore that had been her girls'.  Cynthia had impeccable taste.

When I think of Cynthia, the words of the hymn "Each Life that Touches Ours for Good" come to mind.  

Each life that touches ours for good 
Reflects thine own great mercy, Lord;
Thou sendest blessings from above
Thru words and deeds of those who love.

What greater gift dost thou bestow,
What greater goodness can we know
Than Christlike friends, whose gentle ways
Strengthen our faith, enrich our days.

When such a friend from us departs,
We hold forever in our hearts
A sweet and hallowed memory,
Bringing us nearer, Lord, to thee.

For worthy friends whose lives proclaim
Devotion to the Savior's name,
Who bless our days with peace and love,
We praise thy goodness, Lord, above

I usually give Facebook a wide berth but I went on Facebook to read what her husband Steve had written about her.  It was mainly his testimony that Jesus is the Christ and God is in His Heaven and he knew he would see his beloved Cynthia again.

For worthy friends whose lives proclaim devotion to the Savior's name. 

In Relief Society yesterday we talked about President Oak's talk from conference, "What Has the Savior Done for Me."

The teacher commented on how we had been remembering what happened on September 11 the last week and that the lesson was an opportunity for us to remember what the Savior has done for us.  My mind got stuck on that.

I am always blown away when I think of the heroes who lost their lives on September 11, the heroes who drove towards the wreckage and put themselves in harm's way and lost their lives.  It had never occurred to me that that kind of selfless heroic sacrifice is a type of the sacrifice our Savior gave for each of us.  Because of Him, we can repent and be forgiven and forgive.  Because of Him, we can see our families and friends again.  Because of Him, we know someone who understands our pains and sorrows.  Because of Him, we know there's a plan.  (As a planner, I love this.  I thrive with a plan!)

When I mentioned some of these thoughts in the lesson, my friend Danielle said, "Whatever happens in this life, we know the cavalry will come."

Just like heroes in firetrucks race to our aid, the Savior is always there, ready to charge up the hill and succor us.

What an amazing, humbling and comforting thought!

So all of this is to say, keep fighting the fight, love your people better, do things that make you feel like a person and remember.

Remember the goodness that reflects the light of Christ in so many ways on Earth.

God be thanked for the matchless gift of His divine Son.

Grateful Friday

Wednesday I went to school feeling pretty awful.  I took some Advil and just got on with it, like you do.

Then, as the morning progressed, I felt really awful.  I felt like my head was swimming and I was struggling to be patient and struggling to string words together.

Also, I was paranoid about covid.  One of my students tested positive and others of them are sick and another student's dad died and several of our ward members have been gravely sick with covid.  I not only have had it, I'm fully vaccinated, but still.

I was worried about getting it again and spreading it to people I love--or to the people of people I love.

At recess, I went and told Camie, because she is basically the school mom.  She told me to go tell Jami.  She said we'd figure it out.  

I sat down in Jami's office and told him that I felt bad.  He asked, "What did you do?"

I said, "No, I mean I feel really awful."

He said, "But why?"

It wasn't a confessional and it was starting to feel like a bad comedy routine.  I said, "No, I am sick."

He told the secretary to put in an emergency sub request and Jamie came to help me create some emergency sub plans.  I couldn't even think straight.  She grabbed a pen and started writing and asking me questions.  Then my kids came in from recess and she shepherded them in and told them I was sick and leaving.  A few of them came to hug me.  Which sort of killed me because I was sad to be leaving them and also didn't want them to get sick.

I left Jamie in charge until a sub could be located and she is awesome and that is all.

I went to the walk in clinic and there was a sign on the door saying I couldn't come in if I had had a covid exposure.

I felt like a leper.

I went to a place where Jamie had told me I could get a rapid test.  I had a covid test and it was negative so I went back to the walk in clinic.  I was prescribed some steroids and the doctor thought I probably had a virus.  It always seems like such a stab in the dark.  He said, "Do you want a mono test?  There's nothing we could really do about it though."

I said, "So what is the advantage of a mono test?"

He said, "Just for the gee whiz factor."

I didn't really feel very gee whiz so I gave it a pass.

For the rest of the day I felt really and truly awful.  Everything hurt and I was dying.  Jamie texted to check on me and asked if I was coming the next day.  I said I was.  I figured I would take enough pain killers to make it work.

Then I remembered something I read recently:  You are not a robot, you are a human.  Plan accordingly.

I didn't really feel well enough to go to school.  It is SUPER hard when I am healthy and I was not healthy.  I considered that I was neither a robot nor a hero and maybe, just maybe, I could stay home another day and get feeling actually better.

So I did.  

I felt guilty about my sub because I knew it was going to be a hard day.

I kept feeling like I should do something but I didn't feel like doing anything and then I'd remember that was why I was home; I was sick.  Repeat all day.

I did complete some training and I watered some plants.  Then I was tired.  I took a nap in a patch of sunlight on the couch.

Sometimes you prove you're not a robot by checking a box or clicking on all the squares that have street lights.  Sometimes you prove you're not a robot by taking a sick day.

I'm grateful for sick days and medicine and friends who pinch hit for you.  I'm grateful I'm not a robot.

Feeling jealous

Adam got to go see Mark and I didn't.

Poor Thelma.

Mark had a scope done to see if he has celiac disease.  Apparently it is common to have multiple autoimmune disorders if you have one.  Because one isn't enough?

Mark's elevated blood test prompted the scope and he needed anesthesia for it so Adam went to be with him and I wished I could too.

Adam sent this picture:

He looks pretty out of it but also like he's being funny.  Also, I want to just hug that kid.  Mark recovered quickly from the procedure, even went to his math class, and then he and Adam hung out together.   

I talked to them before I went to bed and they sounded giddy about just being together.  I could tell they were having a fun time.

Thelma, still jealous.

(But also grateful that Adam could go and be with him.  It's nice that he has a flexible job.)

Long weekend

Sunday was a different kind of day.  For one thing, Adam came to church with me.  President Porter came to our ward and Adam goes where he goes.  We keep finding out people that don't know about his new calling.  I wonder what they think happened because one week he got released from the bishopric and then he hardly ever comes to church with me.  Maybe they think he rage quit when he got released?  I was happy to sit next to him though.

Also, none of our college kids were coming so as Emma put it, we were just going to vibe.  We bought super simple to prepare food and planned to just do nothing all afternoon and evening once our church responsibilities were over.

Then I got the idea to check on the temple progress.  Emma didn't want to, but Adam and I drove to Saratoga Springs and we drove by the Orem temple to check things out.  I still don't take it for granted how many temples surround us. (Because besides those two, we saw three others just as we drove!)

We got home and played Farkle and Bananagrams and it was restful and restorative to just be.  Also, great to know I didn't have to get up early the next morning for school.

Saturday we worked all day so we'd have Monday to have fun but our plans fizzled.  Instead, we did a bunch of random stuff.  One highlight for me was when Janelle texted me that Hobby Lobby had all their classroom stuff 90% off.

I texted her a triumphant picture of my purchases.  I spent $7.26!

It was exciting.

We went to Olive Garden with the Porters.  It is good to have friends like them.  We always have a lot to talk about and we share a lot of similar experiences.  Nola already knew our happy grandparent news but Dave didn't.  His genuine joy and excitement at the news reiterated what everyone in the grandparent club has already told us:  it is going to be great!  We had an early enough dinner that we could sit on the deck with Emma when we got home.  She took a picture of the sky with my phone.  I said, "The picture won't do it justice."

She said, "I know."

The pictures never do the sky justice and I'm glad.  Our eyes are better than pixels.  The picture is still pretty though.

Saturday state of affairs

We packed a lot into Saturday.

I made a long multi column list of all the things.  We vowed to get as many accomplished as possible on Saturday so we could have a fun Monday.

In the morning I worked inside and Adam and Emma worked outside.  Adam cut a bunch of limbs off trees and tried to get Emma to cut them up so they would fit in our garbage can.  She was happy to be helpful in every way (praise be for adult children!) but she won't be near our big clippers.

When she was three (so how does she even remember it?) Linn accidentally cut Geri's finger with big clippers when they were cutting branches. It made a big impression on Emma, who is easily spooked anyway.

I cut the branches up on one end of the pile then I would move the the other side while Emma gathered the cut branches up and put them in the bin.  As long as she could social distance from the clippers, she was fine.

We finally wrapped things up to go do our errands.  Emma opted not to join us and I said, "How could you miss this?"

Seriously,  Saturday errands with Adam is one of my favorite things in the week.

We went to my classroom so I could finish up some things to prepare for my new student because I had to leave early Friday to join Mark's doctor appointment virtually.  Also, I needed Adam (aka my tech support) to look at my school computer.

I was working at my desk and Adam was at a table with my computer and he said, "I don't know what is happening."

I absently said, "What?"

He said, "All your files are gone."

So then he had my attention.  

My heart kind of stopped.  It wasn't like losing my life's work but it was definitely losing the work of the last two plus years.  I went and sat next to him and I could tell he was alarmed and when your even keeled don't worry I can fix it husband is alarmed about all your files being gone...yikes.

He able to retrieve them because he is a wizard.

It was stressful though.  I can't even begin to explain.

From there we went to Costco.  Everyone in Utah County (except Emma) was at Costco it seemed.  It was a zoo.  I told Adam we are never going to Costco on Saturday again.  (I think I tell him that every time we go to Costco on Saturday.)  We usually go on a weeknight and that is a much better proposition.

At one point, Adam went to find something and I waited with the cart.  A woman in a motorized cart approached me.  All I can think is that the motorized cart disarmed me and I didn't have my usual don't-talk-to-me look on my face.

This woman laughed a little and said, "Now, this is unsolicited..."

Which was her way of acknowledging that she probably shouldn't be doing it but was proceeding nonetheless.

She went on to tell me, pointing at the chicken in my cart, that chicken has been found to cause UTIs in women.  I said, "All chicken?"

She said, "Yes."

I said something along the lines of hmm.

She said, "You can go to nutrition facts.com and read about it."

I thanked her and she motored her way away.

Adam came back and from the look on my face said, "What happened?"

My guard was down.  That is all.  Somehow I looked approachable.  A mistake.

Later we saw her again.  She said, "I was wrong!  It's not all chicken!  It's 50% of chicken!"

Again, I think I managed a hmm.

Then, of course, I had to text Emma about it.

When we finally made it home after all our errands, we sat on the deck and watched the pastel sunset.

There was an almost cold breeze coming down the mountains and I commented that the seasons were going to change.  We mostly hate summer--especially the smoke--so we're all happy to see autumn.  I said, "Nothing lasts forever."

But then I said, "Except this."

Adam and I are forever.

And I'll take it.

Speaking of Adam, I love every word he writes.  Here is a blog post he wrote.  .

Grateful Friday

How many ways can I love the school where I teach?

It is no secret to anyone who 1) talks to me often or 2) reads my blog, that I feel overwhelmed bordering on all out panic at times about my inadequacies as a teacher.  It is hard and I usually feel like I'm not meeting all their needs. Or any of their needs.  This year even more than usual since there are just so many of them (and I'm getting a new student next week!).

Yesterday two different people at work went out of their way to give me kind encouragement.  It mattered to me and infused me with confidence.  I can do this!

I can't meet all their needs, but I can keep trying to!

It's not like my friends are just telling me nice things; they are pretty honest too.

In a meeting with Jamie, she was helping me figure out how to download something and saw my cluttered (putting it mildly) desktop.  Here's the thing, I never close anything.  

She said my computer reminded me of her daughter's bedroom.

I know.

I have a daughter too.

It wasn't a compliment.

Jamie's still my friend, though.  You've gotta have friends and I'm grateful for mine!

***

Another thing I am grateful for:  the unexpected kindness of children.

I have a student who is a struggle to deal with.  Through no fault of his own, he has difficulty getting along with others, staying in his seat, doing grade level work, adapting to change, all of it.  I have tried many times over the past few weeks to deescalate interactions between him and other students.

Yesterday, they had earned a reward for show and tell (they picked it and I kind of thought that was a strange choice--I mean, ice cream was on the table as a possible reward).  This little guy missed most of the show and tell because he was in special ed.  When he returned, I let him show what he'd brought and he'd been trying to show all day.  The class oohed and aaahed appreciatively.  When he was done, they clapped and cheered for him.

It made his day.

It made my day.

It made Emily's (the special ed teacher) day when I told her.

Piano and pineapple

Fires and hurricanes and floods and a pandemic that won't quit and horrors in the news.  And then I talked to my mom and there was an earthquake there on Tuesday.

It's a lot.

At school I have crying students every day.  Mark pointed out that that is a clear indication of how hard the world is right now.

I never thought of it that way, but I don't ever know what is happening at their homes and what stories they are being told.  The world is hard.

On the other hand, the Church keeps building temples so I guess we're not done yet.

Last night Emma was playing the piano and singing and everything felt like, for that moment at least, a pretty perfect place.

I love when she sits at the piano and fills the house with her beautiful music.

Adam was gone for the third night in a row (the first was for work and then the next two were for church). I walked by Emma playing the piano and asked her if she wanted dinner.

She said yes.  Then she said, "But it sounds like you don't.  So if that is the case, then no."

I said, "I don't really know what I feel like."

She said, "We can have nachos?"

I pulled out a bag of chips and a bag of grated cheese.  It felt like the right amount of dinner prep.  Then I got really fancy and sliced up a pineapple.  It made a satisfactory dinner. 

Emma and I discussed the fact that freshly sliced anything is better than if it's been sitting awhile and why is fresh pineapple so superior to canned? (Emma said if she eats it with her gremlin hands instead of a utensil it is even better.  I asked her why gremlin hands and she just shrugged.  She's always had vivid language.) 

I have told Emma before she's never moving out again.

She acts like she doesn't believe me.

Would that help?

A few days ago, a line from the movie, Bridge of Spies, popped into my head.

In the movie, Rudolf Abel is a Russian spy who has been captured by Americans and James Donovan is a lawyer who is brought in as his defense and who is also trying to make a trade with the Soviet Union.  America will trade Rudolf Abel for a US airman who landed in enemy territory.

At one point, James Donovan says to Rudolf Abel, "Aren't you worried?"

Rudolf Abel responds, "Would that help?"

I love it.

I need to remember it.

My math lesson was a complete flop Monday.  I had discipline problems I need to deal with.  (I rearranged desks for the 1000th time after school yesterday.) I have a few students who are really really struggling.  I am having a hard time addressing all their needs.  I need to complete some training and I don't know when I will find the time.  I am thinking a lot about Mark.  I miss him for one thing.  For another thing, I want everything in his life to be good, no great.  How can I make that happen?

Ha.  I can't.

So I certainly could worry.  I could worry a lot.  I have that capacity. (I have clocked plenty of worrying time so I know I have skills.)

Would it help?  Does it help?

No.

Also, I'm grateful for all-is-not-lost reminders.  One of my students who rolls his eyes a lot and scowls at me and is pretty much belligerent often, was out riding his bike in the playground before school.  Well before school.  It breaks my heart a little when they are super early for school.

He yelled at me across the playground when I got out of my car.  "Hi Mrs. Davis!" He seemed so enthusiastic and happy to see me.

It warmed my heart.  He is one that will NOT be happy about his new seating arrangement but I know he was excited to see me that one time.  I'll take it.