Weekend

 Friday at school was kind of awful.  I felt very tired and just run down.  At one point my students across the room were talking and I knew that I needed to get up and walk over there and do something about it and I just didn't have it in me.

I called my dad for his birthday and he told me that Tabor had set up the desks in Katie's classroom to accommodate her wheelchair.

I told him I thought a wheelchair sounded pretty good.

I called my doctor's office after my dad and found out that my PET scan had been denied once again.  I decided I don't have the emotional energy to be mad about it, so I'm trying not to be mad.

I missed Adam and felt discouraged and vulnerable.  

That carried me into Saturday.  I had planned to go to the temple, but I thought, I will just cry.  Nevertheless, I still wanted to go.  I considered that temple workers I know are very kind people and they wouldn't mind.

Later in the afternoon, Emma texted me and asked me how I was doing.

I texted her that my tag had been sticking out of my temple dress and someone fixed it and then another lady told me my slip was wonky and then another lady told me my dress was tucked into my sock.  Then I saw Jamie, who was working in initiatory and she hugged me and I started crying.

I texted Emma that I was sorry.  Maybe it was like when someone asks me about the weather and I start talking about high pressure systems.  Maybe I should just say fine.

Emma texted back that that was the level of detail she wanted.

She's the level of daughter I want.

Besides being the hottest mess at the Mt. Timpanogos temple on a Saturday, I'm glad I went to the temple.  I exchanged feeling lonely and discouraged and vulnerable for reassured and loved and empowered.

Not a bad trade.

Instead of feeling vulnerable that my fate is in the hands of the deciders at United Healthcare, I can feel safe because my fate is in God's hands.

I napped and Mark and I went grocery shopping and he did the laundry and I folded it.  I got ready for primary.  

Adam woke me up and hugged me and kissed me when he got home late on Saturday night.  Then he said, "Go back to sleep." And I did.

I'm glad he's home!

I feel weird at church, because a few people know I have cancer and a few people suspect "something is wrong with Thelma" because I canceled YEN and have bowed out of a few things.  It's not that I am super secretive (hello blog) but it is awkward to tell people and manage their reactions.  Especially because I cry.  (So I'm not really managing my own reaction too well either.)

I decided to tell Cortney because she is my "boss" in my primary chorister job and also my friend.

I told her I have cancer.  She said, "NO!" and threw her arms around me and held me tight.  The executive secretary came in the primary room to talk to her about doing her child and youth protection training and she didn't let go of me, but held out her hand to him and said, "I can't right now."

He backed away like she was a lioness and he didn't want to get swallowed.

Cortney let me go and said, "Tell me."

I don't know.  It felt like the reaction I needed right then.  Sometimes you just need someone to hug you and not let go.  Sometimes you need a lioness.

Still

Even when I get plenty of sleep I still come home so tired.

I am still waiting for my insurance to approve my PET scan so we can move forward.

I still have to figure out what is for dinner.

It is still really hot (recess duty in the upper 90s isn't anyone's favorite).

Children still bring you sickness.  Miriam has a full on cold and my immune system is weak.  I came home with a sore throat and a knot in my stomach about it.

I am still trying to get through one day at a time.

I still have good books to read.

My chair is still comfortable and so is my bed.

Our fridge is still working since Mark and Adam fixed it.

I'm still praying, but I think my prayers have shifted a little.  Instead of begging please please I can't, I'm saying, OK, but please help me.

Still.

Planners gotta plan

 Yesterday I asked Matt if I could talk to him.

He said, "Yeah, what do you got?"

We were surrounded by people in the busy work room.  I said, "Can we have a conversation?" 

He said, "Ohhhh," and followed me to my classroom.  (My students were at PE.)

If you need a hype man, may I suggest Matt?  He is exactly who I need.  He told me that he has worked with a teacher and a secretary who had cancer and chemo.  He laid out his plan for how to handle it.  It felt...doable.  He said, "I'm concerned about your health, but I'm not worried about any of this."  He gestured around my classroom.  He said, "The entire school is your team and we've got this."

He also told me that my students would learn a lot of empathy and that was probably more important than anything else I could teach them.

When I was at the doctor's office on Tuesday, Adam told him, "She's not sleeping."

Dr. Chipman scooted his wheelie stool a tad closer to me and asked, "How are we going to get you to sleep?"

I don't know.  Tell me I don't have cancer?

He prescribed an anxiety medicine.  When I got home yesterday I told Mark I had been prescribed anxiety medicine and we would have to go get it when it was ready. (I was planning to take some of my nuclear option migraine medicine so I wouldn't be driving!)  He said, "Well that's about 52 years too late."

OK, but it is here now.

Marek was over and he very earnestly said, "I think anxiety medicine is a good idea."

Yesterday was Mark's first day of school for his semester at UVU.  I said, "I should have milk and cookies or something for you for your first day.  Milk and gluten free cookies."

Marek shrugged and said, "Well it's OK you don't have cookies, because I'm here and I'm gluten free."

And he is.  I love Marek.  My quirky kids collect quirky friends and I'm not sad about it.

I slept long and well last night.  I feel less anxious (and I didn't even take the anxiety medicine because I had taken migraine medicine and I didn't know if they'd get along).  I will save the anxiety medicine for coming days.  

I know there will be coming days.  It's not like this is going to be easy.  I just feel so grateful that it is feeling more and more doable.  As plans start to fall into place I feel like I have a new lease on life.

I need plans!

Buzz buzz

Jesus, Savior, pilot me 

over life's tempestuous sea 

unknown waves before me roll, 

hiding rocks and treach'rous shoal. 

Chart and compass come from Thee 

Jesus, Savior, pilot me. 

As a mother stills her child, 

Thou canst hush the ocean wild 

boist'rous waves obey Thy will 

when Thou say'st to them, "Be still!" 

Wondrous Sov'reign of the sea, 

Jesus, Savior, pilot me. 

When at last I near the shore, 

and the fearful breakers roar 

twixt me and the peaceful rest, 

then, while leaning on Thy breast, 

may I hear Thee say to me, "

Fear not, I will pilot thee."

We sang that hymn in church a few weeks ago and it has been rolling around in my head ever since.

I had my appointment yesterday to go over the results of my tests.  I have a form of lymphoma; I will need chemo.  That sentence is a lot.

(Coincidentally...I can't sleep.)

It has been hard to still my mind ever since.

Jesus Savior, pilot me.

I was feeling stressed on Monday because my doctor appointment was Tuesday afternoon and I still didn't have a CT scan scheduled and my bone marrow results weren't in.

My doctor's office wanted to just cancel the appointment.

I asked them to keep it.  Adam is leaving today and I REALLY wanted him there. 

I texted my family and asked them to pray.  I needed a little miracle.

Chart and compass come from Thee.

My insurance approved the CT scan and I got it done yesterday at 6:45 AM.  I wasn't even late for school.

By lunchtime, my results were in and I could proceed with the appointment.  I was so grateful.

Now (once it is, you know, approved) I will have the PET scan.  Then I will have a biopsy of one of my lymph nodes to really narrow in on what kind of lymphoma I have.  From there, the chemo plan will be formed.

Unknown waves before me roll.

So here we are with Thelma having a buzzing mind.  My planner brain is reacting like a spoiled child.

Imagine me as a toddler crying, "But I want to know what will happen!

Yet, here we are.

Increasingly, even though I've already been trying to, I need to take one day at a time.

Give us this day our daily bread.

I need to double my efforts.

I need to still my mind and heart.

Wondrous Sovereign of the sea,

Jesus Savior Pilot me

Weekend

 Friday morning, my class was seated on the kiva (which I love, btw) and a guy from the district came in with a big heavy ladder to tell me he needed to fix the speaker.  It was right next to the kiva and as he was setting up the ladder, right by my students, I said, "We have recess in 5 minutes, how about then?"

He agreed.

I took my class outside and he did his thing and was gone by the time we returned.

Then the volume no longer worked on my AppleTV/projector situation.

And it was kind of a tragedy because logging into computers for the first time was an entire ordeal (children were in tears) and some of the logins didn't work and some of the computers hadn't had their summer update.  (Don't get me started on school district tech people....)

To try to right the ship, I decided we'd watch an episode of Little Lunch.  They're less than 15 minutes and I thought it would restore everyone's good feelings.

Except the volume didn't work and it made everyone more upset.

So I told them stories instead for a few minutes.  My students always love the one about me getting a horse for my birthday when I was about their age.  It is just unbelievable to them and their eyes boggle.  I tell them about how he was old and used to belong to my grandma.  I tell them about how I tried to take care of him--I explain about curry combs.  It is all just way out of their experience.  Then I tell them, in very dramatic fashion, I might add, about the time he ran away with me when I was riding him and there was lightning.  They sigh in relief when I tell them he ran right to the barn and stopped.

After school, I went in search of help for the volume problem.  I found Matt and Riley out in front of the school, just finishing getting children on their way.  I said, "This is just the brain trust I need."

Riley immediately said not him because his immediate response to every request is a solid no. 

But they followed me to my classroom all the same.  (One thing I love about Matt as a principal is that when there's a problem he dives in to fix it.  Always.  He reminds me of my dad like that.)

On the way, I told Matt, "I'm still getting emails about the SCC (school community council) and since I'm on the leadership team, I'm off the SCC right?"

(I'm in favor of less meetings.)

Matt said, "SCC-"

And then he and Riley in unison said, "You know me."

I said, "You two are such nerds.  I take back what I said about you being my brain trust."

Riley stood on the kiva to reset the Apple TV and I said, "Aren't you glad I have that kiva?"

He rolled his eyes and said, "I would rather drag a ladder in here."

He will never admit that I made the kiva work, but I'll never stop reminding him it does.

I love my school. (And they fixed the volume.)

Our kitchen looked like this all weekend:

Because who has more fun than we do?

The drain in our refrigerator was frozen (did you know a refrigerator has a drain that can get frozen?  I've never had any cause to know how a fridge works).  Adam and Mark emptied it and stuck a little space heater inside to thaw it and it seems to be working now.

We had stake conference.  I went to a dinner with Adam before the Saturday evening session.  We had a visiting authority who was from Tropic, UT.  He was the stake president when Tabor was the bishop in Boulder.  We made that connection.  I heard him say to Adam, "He's really big and has a handlebar mustache?"

Yep, that's the one.

President Porter spoke on Sunday morning and I think he decided to give the talk that Thelma needed.  It was all about prayer and was so good.

Emma came over and we had a weird dinner of random things because we hadn't gone shopping (not the best idea to go grocery shopping when your fridge doesn't work).

Adam went bishoping and Emma and Mark and I played Monopoly Deal.  I annihilated them and then I said, "I don't want to play anymore.  I feel really anxious."

Emma immediately hugged me and said, "What can I do for you?  Right now?"

I said, "I guess listen to me."

I lay on the couch with my feet in Mark's lap and Emma sat on the floor next to me.  They listened and said the right things.  Then we started talking about extended family and laughing and telling stories.

It was what I needed.

I feel grateful.  I love my job.  I have a fridge that (hopefully) works now.  I have really great kids.  I have a husband who is everything.  I am OK.

Unfortunately nighttime Thelma has a harder time swallowing the I'm OK pill.  I slept terribly.  The one thing I need most!  Maybe when this diagnostic phase is over, I'll be able to sleep better.  

I need to remember that I am getting better at not freaking out.  I'm a work in progress.

Grateful Friday

 Yesterday was a hard day.  The exclamation point on the day was that my PET scan was denied by my insurance and all the effort I had gone to figure out sub plans for Monday was in vain.

Sub plans the first weeks of school are no joke.  They can't do anything independently and it takes so much effort to figure out what a sub could do with them and then you have to write an explanation.

But my PET scan was canceled.

I felt frustrated and in the end, just depleted.  Living one day at a time is all well and good, but it is exhausting and kind of miserable too.

I talked to my people and everyone gave me bolstering words.

I decided to make a little dent in some school stuff and I was working on some google slides.  They didn't look good--graphic design eludes me as a talent.  Adam was late at work, but I called Emma.  I shared the slides with her and she said, "Oh, that is easy."

I said, "Not for me."

She said, "Well that is why you have me."

She fixed them up literally before my eyes.  It was amazing.  She made them look way better than I could do.

Before I went to bed, that little win wasn't enough to overcome the heaviness of the day.  Everything felt too hard and out of my ability to cope with.

I went to sleep eventually (Adam read to me and that helps--I am a toddler).  I woke up at 2:30, hurting everywhere from just tension in all my muscles.  Since my ring ding biopsy, my hip hurts and I can't lie on my back or seem to get too comfortable.  The tension in my neck and shoulders are old friends that make everything more...fun.

I stretched and prayed and listened to a meditation.

I opened up my phone and saw that my mom had sent me some good quotes.

I listened to hymns.

One of the quotes from my mom had referenced a talk by Elder Wirthlin.  I got up and read the talk.  I copied down scriptures and thoughts in my journal.

I am writing this in the 4:00 hour; I need to get ready for school in a few hours.  I'm going to be tired (I'm tired anyway).  Still, my soul feels soothed.

One day at a time is doable, even though it isn't my favorite.  I feel grateful for people who pray for me and listen to me cry and hug me and send me quotes (Marianne even sent me a picture of a fortune cookie message the other day), and read to me and cook me dinner and help me make my google slides look better.

I'm grateful for all the people at school that help and support me.  

I am grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I keep reading about how He understands and how He knows how to succor His people.

I don't know how it works, but I believe I have felt His power in my life.

I also don't know how sunscreen works, but it keeps me from getting sunburns.

I don't have to understand everything.  

First day of school

 Here's how my classroom looked on August 7 when I first walked in:

This is how it looked yesterday morning when school was about to start:

I think yesterday was maybe one of the hardest days of school I have ever had.  I felt just really truly awful.  My hip/incision hurt and I just felt dizzy and nauseous and tired.

And the first day takes so much extra energy that it is nothing short of a miracle that I made it.

So many people are praying for me--and I'm praying for myself--and I know that I am being helped each day.

Matt and Riley brought in two swamp coolers which helped me survive the really hot day and my really shoddy air conditioning.

My students are adorable and pretty well behaved.  There are some chatty kids among them, but we'll work on it.

Maren was in my classroom after school and we were getting all prepared for her to take my class today while I had my PET scan.

The doctor's office called to say that since they hadn't been able to receive authorization yet from my insurance, I needed to reschedule.

So I needed to re-figure out today and what I'm going to have Maren do on Monday.  Also, the appointment is later on Monday so I'll have to miss more school.

My best just has to be enough right now.

I told Adam that maybe someday I'll look back on this time and say, "Wow.  That was amazing. What a crazy time that was."

I took a nap on the couch straightaway when I got home.  I ate dinner and went to bed.  After a solid 9+ hours of sleep, I feel way better than I did.

One day at a time.

(If I write that a lot it is because I remind myself of that 12 million times a day.)

Floating along

 Yesterday I got thoroughly drugged up for my biopsy.  It wasn't general anesthesia so I could still breathe on my own, but I was out of it!

I felt it a bit, but not too much.  I don't remember going back to Adam, but there I was.  

I was lying there for a while and then I encouraged him to switch with Mark, who was ready to switch.

It is a really big work week for Adam.  Poor guy.  He has major things happening in his life besides me.  Mark came and they released me.  

I felt very woozy.  I tried to do a little school work on my computer.  I moved my book over by me so I could read, but I mostly half slept, half didn't.  

I hate that feeling.

My incision started to hurt and I remembered that they had given me a paper at the hospital about taking care of myself.  I remembered that there had been complicated instructions about taking Tylenol, but I didn't remember what they were.  I was too tired to go get the paper and I considered texting Mark and having him bring me the paper, but I decided in the end to just take two Tylenol and figure out the complicated instructions later.

I had a hair appointment that I didn't want to miss so Mark drove me to it.  Before we left, I looked at the paper to see the instructions.  It made me laugh.

They were not complicated at all.  They are what is on every bottle of Tylenol.  

This is why we don't do drugs, kids.

I got my hair chopped because my classroom is hot and I was tired of my hair.  

Another day in the books, I tried to sleep, but I think last night could be in my personal hall of fame of worst nights.  I had bad dreams about my bones cracking and dreams about being left behind.  I was stressed about feeling ill prepared for school and stressed about not feeling up to school and stressed about not sleeping because what is my actual problem when the thing I most need is sleep?!?

Ugh.

Looking at my photo of my discharge paper, I wonder if the first day of school requires important choices, alertness or balance....

I won't sign any legal papers.

I did it

 One day down.

Yesterday was back to school night.  We had professional development meetings all day.  Somewhere during the day, the hospital called me about my bone marrow biopsy (which is today).  I thought I would just get it done then head to work to continue getting ready for the first day.  I thought wrong.

They told me that I needed to fast because I would be sedated (not general anesthesia, but something).  I need to stay for two hours for observation and then have someone drive me home.

I said, "So I thought I would go to work after...."

She said, "Oh, no.  You can't.  You can go to work the next day."

My mind started spinning and went into superdrive.  I had stepped out of the meeting to take the call and when I was walking back, I saw Matt.  I told him and he said, "OK.  No problem.  I'm not worried about that."

I said, "I am."

He said, "I don't mean I'm not worried about your health.  I'm not worried about you being gone tomorrow."

That was what I was talking about too.

I went and grabbed stuff from my room to work on during the meeting and I majorly triaged what needed to be accomplished and what didn't.

Let's just say nothing is very cutesy.

But I don't really like cutesy anyway.

My team offered to help, but I know how busy they are.  They shared a project for the first day that I handed off to Jamie to prep for me.  (Which she did with lightning speed.). 

They all said to text them if I thought of something today I needed them to do.

I can't imagine doing this without the wonderful people I work with.

It was 83 degrees in my classroom by the time we wrapped up back to school night.  I felt awful.  I was dizzy and weak and...hot.  

Right before it started, I prayed and just asked for all the help I could get to make it through the night.  I needed energy and I didn't have any.

My prayer was answered.  

One day at a time.

I met my students and their parents and they are adorable.  I especially loved seeing the little brothers and little sisters of former students who are now in my class.  I have the third brother in one family and they are maybe the best family in the world.  I loved having the first two boys as students.  They are incredibly kind and loving to each other.  They work hard and are just good.  Their parents don't speak English.  Having the oldest son translate, the mother told me her concerns about the current student and asked me to please send home anything she could do to help him at home.  She looked at me so hopefully that I just wanted to hug her.

I will do my best!

I will try so hard!

When it was over and I finally got to my car, I called Adam and burst into tears.  Because I want to try my best, but what if my best is kind of lame?  What if I can't give everything I want to these sweet children?

Adam was on his way to meet with someone in his bishop capacity, but I went home to Mark.  He hugged me and we chatted.  He told me all the same things Adam had about how my best was good enough.  He said, "You work really hard and can accomplish a lot.  Sometimes you will be tired though and that is because your body needs you to rest.  So you can't just power through."

I said, "But that puts a burden on you and your dad."

He said, "Should I apologize for having diabetes?  Or celiac? Because that puts a burden on you."

That kid!

I had no idea when he moved back home how much I would need him.  He knows what to say and gives really good hugs too.

I slept for 10 hours and I guess today will be a resting sort of day as well.  I will keep praying and keep trusting that I can make it through these days.  One at a time. 

I know how much I have to be grateful for.  Besides all the love and support from near and far, I had a red pen leak yesterday and I had red ink all over both hands and my chin (Miriam told me) but it did not get on the white blouse I was wearing.

Miracle.

Weekend

 Saturday morning, I had the thought that I should talk to Marie Louise.  She is my dear friend and she has been through things.  Also, she is British and has a zero nonsense keep calm and carry on approach to life.

She uses the phrase "get on with it" often.

Saturday afternoon she texted me about family history.  I started texting her back, but decided to call instead.

I said, "I was going to text you, but it was too long of a text, so I decided to call."

She said, "Well I'm driving so I can listen."

I started telling her about everything and before I knew it, she was in my driveway and then on my doorstep.  

We were still on the phone.

She hugged me and said, "This is not a club I want you to be a member of."

I agreed.

We sat down next to each other on the couch and she listened.  I knew that she had cancer, years ago, and I guess I assumed it was breast cancer or I just made that up, but she had lymphoma.  She told me, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.  It was rough."

I would be surprised if Marie Louise sugar coated anything.

And here she is, on the other side.

I still don't know what I have or what the prognosis or treatment or anything are.  (There is a word for it:  scanxiety.  I think it is a perfect word.)  So her experience may be totally irrelevant to mine, but I still felt comforted by her.  She is an angel and I'm so grateful she is my friend.

I reminded her of when her husband was having serious health problems and she called me and said, "I'm telling you this because you're my friend.  I don't want a signup going around Relief Society."

Before she left, I reminded Marie Louise of that conversation and I said, "This is the same as that."

She said, "Well, that goes without saying."

She came over Sunday afternoon to work on family history.  When she was leaving she asked, "Can Adam drive you to your appointments?"

I said yes.

She said, "OK.  Because if it turns out he can't, I don't want you to 'be strong'.  Call me."

I feel so fortunate.  I mean, cancer, but I have so many people who love me and are praying for me that I feel fortunate.  

Mark's friend Marek is a regular visitor around here.  On Saturday, he asked me how I was doing and I went ahead and told him.  I figured Mark would tell him anyway and he is over often enough, he should know.

His eyes got big and he said, "Whoa.  I wasn't expecting that."

"Sorry," I said.  "You were probably just wanting me to say fine."

Then I told him that it showed how I felt about him that I wanted him to know.  I said, "You're like part of the family."

He said, "Well, thank you."

This morning I woke up to a text from Mark letting me know that Marek had asked his parents to put my name on the prayer roll at the temple.

I am really trying to get through one day at a time and not spin my wheels with worry and what ifs.  I am not good at it.  It's kind of like learning a new instrument, I guess.  There will be some sour notes.

All this love and support is helping though.  The prayers matter.

***

Today is back to school night and I will meet my students.  I feel nervous about managing school, but I will apply my one day at a time strategy to it too.  I will do my best.  I am excited to meet my students.  I have learned from the special ed teacher that a few of them are fighters.  Mark told me I should just have them sit together and fight all day.

I probably won't do that....

One step enough for me

I don't necessarily want to write this post because I don't want this reality, but at the same time, I want to keep a record of my life and also writing for me is processing.

In late June--after we returned from our trip--I had a physical like a good girl.  I had elevated white blood cells and more tests and appointments followed.  I spent a lot of time freaking out and stress googling and  it got me exactly nowhere.

I had an appointment this past week and learned that I do indeed have cancer.  It isn't clear which kind.  I have a bone marrow biopsy and a PET scan next week.  I am dreading both, but will be grateful to have answers. So I am grateful that I have them scheduled.  

I am stressed about a lot of things.  For one thing, I am a planner.  It's my whole personality.  This process of waiting and do I/don't I have cancer was excruciating and still is while I wait to know what I have/what the treatment is.  I have a really good imagination and it is really good at going to worse case scenarios.

I am worried about the school year.  This is pretty terrible timing.  (My PET scan is on the second day of school--not ideal.)  Also, I don't feel well and have a lot of fatigue.  Guess what takes A LOT of energy?  Teaching 3rd grade.

Like Matt said though, "Is there a good time for cancer?"

I said, "Well, not the first week of school."

So that's all a lot.  

But I also have so much to be grateful for.  I have a safe and pleasant home (in a pleasant grove no less) and I have health insurance and a doctor that I like.

Those things alone are absolute luxuries and I know this.

Even more important to me is my extensive network of people who are supporting me and loving me and praying for me.  

I mean, I have an adorable six year-old nephew praying for me.  What a blessing!

Adam is beyond words in the support department.  I don't know how I got so lucky.  Our children are loving and helpful.  Adam and Emma and Mark went with me to my classroom and worked for several hours.  I am grateful for my larger family and all their encouragement and love and prayers.  

My sisters have both offered to drop everything and come to my side.  I like the birth order.  I'm nestled between these two pillars who hold me up, one on each side.

Friday at work I repeatedly lied through my teeth when people asked me how my summer was.  (I guess it was only a half lie, the beginning was good...)  I told some of the people (principal, vice principal, my friends) and I think I maybe cried to all of them.  

Good news, everyone has Kleenex. And since I had texted Jamie the night before, she told me she purposely wore waterproof mascara.

First thing Friday morning, my friend Maren came in my room and told me that she is working on a master's degree and needs a classroom to student teach in (she's the ESL coach).  She asked if she could use my class.

It felt like a tender mercy.  I told her what was happening with me (tears, hugs, Kleenex) and I told her that having her helping me would be amazing.  What a gift.

It reminded me of the widow in the Bible who fed Elijah and never ran out of meal and oil.  

Having Maren help me in my classroom may be just enough to get me through.  I also asked Maren to take my class for part of the second day of school when I'm gone. 

It would be as big of lie as the one I told (over and over) that I had a "great" summer, if I said that I am able to remember gratefully all the blessings I have all of the time.

I falter.  I shrink.  I cry.  

I am scared.

Adam told me that if he was going to devise a torture contraption for me, it would be the past several weeks.  Uncertainty and nothing to do about it.  

Even so, I have faith.  I know that I have been helped in my life and that I have no reason to believe that I won't continue to be helped.

I know in whom I have trusted.

Lead, kindly Light, amid th'encircling gloom;

Lead though me on

The night is dark, and I am far from home;

Lead thou me on!

Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see

The distant scene--one step enough for me.

John Henry Newman 

Austin

Another picture from our hotel in San Antonio.  I loved that place!

 Yesterday we went to the Alamo again and were mostly really confused about their system.  We went to go inside the church and the guy said we needed to go get a ticket.  So we walked across the way and requested 2 tickets (they were free) and he printed out a receipt and we walked back over to the first guy.  It felt bizarre.  If the point is to control the number who enter, can't you just get one of those little counters to click?  We understand the gist, but also don't feel like we have a solid grasp on what exactly happened there, but it was broiling hot and we didn't stick around to read everything.

We ate at a restaurant on the riverwalk that made table side guacamole.  It was so good!  

We headed back to Austin, stopping at a Buc-ee's.  I bought a Halloween shirt.  I have more teacher/holiday themed shirts than I should, but it was irresistible especially with the "put a spell on me" which reminded me of the theme song of the podcast The Shrink Next Door. Mark and I listened to that podcast the summer he was diagnosed with diabetes and it got us to and from a lot of doctor appointments.

A woman on Adam's team, Liz, lives in Austin.  We went to dinner and hung out with her a little bit in Fort Worth last year.  She met up with us for dinner at Terry Black's BBQ.  I had a few bites of meat, but mostly sides.  We really like Liz and it was fun to have dinner together.

Our final stop of the evening was the bridge on Congress Avenue where bats fly out at dusk.  I tried to take a video of it, but it failed to really capture it.  I kind of like it when that happens.  You had to be there.

We are staying at a Sonder apartment in Austin.  It is nice and roomy and will be a good place for me to hang out while Adam is working all day.  Still working my way through back to school online training.  

San Antonio Stroll

Yesterday Adam and I flew from Provo to Dallas.  Dallas wasn't our exact destination, but we could fly from Provo!  It feels worth it to drive a little on the other side.

Us in the Provo airport.

We rented a car and stopped at two Buccee's and were going to stop in Waco and go to The Silos again, but chose to press on.  

Adam and I decided what we could compare Buccee's to.

Buccee's has a:

• Country/Christian/home decor section like Cracker Barrel
• Hunting/outdoor apparel like Cabella's
• Licensed merch like the Disney store
• Their own brand of food/snacks like Trader Joe's
• Brisket and pulled pork and sides/desserts like a BBQ restaurant
• Big like Costco
• Good snacks and drinks like Maverik
• A lot of bathroom stalls like a big airport
• More gas pumps than anywhere else

(We had time to draw all the comparisons.)

We ended up in San Antonio.  Adam used an upgrade (a perk of all the traveling that guy does) and we landed in a posh room that is about twice the size of our apartment 30 years ago.  We were splashing out for the big 30th anniversary!

This was the beautiful lobby:

The hotel room has a living room, dining room, bedroom, and 1 1/2 bathrooms!

Adam took some phone calls and I did some of my online yearly training (protecting student data and blood borne pathogens--ask me anything!).  

We were a couple of blocks from the Alamo.  Adam sent this to our kids:

I thought how disorienting it would be for Davy Crockett and Jim Bowie if they knew there was a Ripley's Believe it or Not, a wax museum and the neon signs of a Mirror Maze across the street from the Alamo.  

People are weird.

We went to the river walk and it was so lovely!  People are also pretty awesome to build something like that.

After that, we went to a Mediterranean restaurant and had dinner with one of Adam's employees and his wife.  They had chosen the restaurant and it was such a good choice!  We loved it.  Where have barberries been all my life?!? We spent a few hours visiting with them and even took the conversation over dessert at a nearby baklava place.

Today we have more meetings for Adam and back to school online training (yay....) for me as well as more exploring in San Antonio.  We'll head back to Austin tonight.

I feel very fortunate to have this time with Adam.  I feel very fortunate to be married to him.  What a blessing eternity is.

Weekend

 TOTY

Friday my team met at our house.  Because the blasted bathroom construction (they're working on the 5th-6th ones now) had delayed everything, they were just waxing the halls in the center part of the school--where our rooms are--so we couldn't meet at the school.  We sat out on the deck in the morning, went to lunch, then sat around our kitchen table in the afternoon.

We are all disoriented by going back to school.  Wait, now what?  Luckily we have each other because inevitably one of us will remember what is happening.

At one point I emailed Matt a question and Alissa said, "Tell him the Team of the Year wants to know."

So I did.  And I wrote him that we were never going to not mention the team of the year thing at every opportunity.

His response was addressed:  Dear TOTY.

So, you know, whether ill-founded or not (Alissa and I both floundered a little to remember our school passwords to log into our computers that had been gathering dust), confidence is high.

Dazzled by cuteness

We got our class lists and as I looked at my adorable students' faces on Skyward, I felt excitement mounting.  Hello friends!  We are about to be each others' people for the next nine months.  Last year the second grade was notorious for their behavior problems.  We don't really know who the worst offenders were (we would rather form our own opinions), so looking at their innocent smiles, my team and I wondered what storms were brewing underneath.

Last summer hurrah

To celebrate 30 trips around the sun with each other, I am tagging along on a business trip with Adam.  When we planned the trip back in May, it felt like a really great idea.  Now it feels like a little foolhardy, but here we go anyway.  I have had LOTS of stress dreams about school starting like I always do.  I will have to scramble when we get back to whip things into shape.  Luckily, Adam and Mark have pledged their help and Adam reminded me that when I started teaching 3rd grade again, I was hired on the second day of school and it all worked out.

And I know a lot more about what I'm doing now than I did then.

My modus operandi that has served me pretty well my whole life is to be prepared and know what is coming.  

No such thing as being over prepared!

Yet, here I am.  Question marks abound and I'm taking a trip the week before school!  I'll just call it an exhilarating adventure.

(I'll try to believe myself...)

Hospital visits

Tabor has remarked that they should have skipped the accident and got an AirBnB in downtown Salt Lake and have all of us just visit.

That would have been a lot better idea!

(Not that this accident was anyone's idea.)

Saturday Adam and I drove to Salt Lake City with a stop at Panda Express.  I had asked Tabor if I could bring something from the outside and they are trying to entice Olivia to eat and he said she would like Panda Express.

I said, "But then she'd have to have Panda Express."

I guess some people like it.

We got Olivia some honey walnut shrimp and Tabor fed her.  He offered to make airplane noises, but Olivia declined.  I love seeing my brother shine in this role.  (I wish the circumstances were different.)  He is a beacon of humor and care and love and grit.  He pulled out his pocketknife to cut up the shrimp.  Olivia said, "Is that knife clean?"

I said, "I'm wondering the same thing."

Tabor said, "Of course it is."

We visited with Olivia awhile and I've also enjoyed getting to know her better.  In the context of family gatherings, she is one of the girls, younger than my kids, whose ages I don't exactly remember.  I have seen her in a vastly different way.  I have seen her be strong and funny and spunky when everyone would totally understand if she just sat there and weeped the entire time.

Tabor led us on a complicated route to the orthopedic rehabilitation place where Katie has been moved.  So many long corridors and passageways!  Adam was walking a bit behind Tabor and me and I turned around and he said, "I'm just dropping breadcrumbs so we can find our way back."

Katie impresses me too.  She is just pleasant.  I brought her another book to read (a Sophie Kinsella) and she had already read it, but she said, "Leave it, I can read it again."  It is how she takes everything:  in stride.  (Maybe that's a bad metaphor because her stride isn't exactly going strong right now with her broken femur and ankle.)

We enjoyed our visit though.  Tabor and Katie are good people and have a good family.  They are loved and that is all.  I've been touched by the constant stream of people who call and visit and text.   

It makes me think of this quote by President Spencer W. Kimball:

God does notice us and he watches over us.  But it is usually through another person that he meets our needs.

We're all in this together.

Grateful Friday

 I had A Doctor Appointment yesterday (bold and capitalized because I was scared).  I still don't have an answer, but I am closer.

Also, I liked the doctor and he allayed some of my fears.  

I just generally feel better about all of that.  

Wednesday, Mark and I were in Katie's hospital room and I had a deck of cards I bought that had family conversation questions.  I was asking them and we were discussing.  (One question was who in the family would help you hide the body.  Katie said Tabor, Mark said Morgan and I said Enoch--because he would have the equipment.)

I digress.

One of the questions asked, "What is a good thing about being part of this family?"

My answer was easy.

The way they rally around when the chips are down.

I have been grateful for the love and prayers of family lately.

I'm also grateful for the love and prayers of friends.  It is a nice feeling to be surrounded by good people who show you love and kindness.  

I haven't been blogging very regularly because I have felt out of sorts and overwhelmed and all the things.  

I want to get back to it.  I like it and after all, she who writes, writes history.  I want to have my say!  I am grateful to have a blog to record my life.

I'm grateful (terrified too) that school is starting.  I love school and am a little bit excited but also not ready and my dreams illustrate that.  Today my team is meeting at our house because our hallways are being waxed at school and we can't get in our classrooms.  I'm also not ready for this meeting, but here I go anyway and I do have snacks.

I'm grateful for the progress Katie and Olivia are making, and still worried about them.  It is a hard ordeal they are going through, especially Olivia.  Tabor texted last night about their rocky day and included the levity Olivia added to the situations.  They are so good and strong.  Tabor is the perfect blend of pushing them and defending them protectively. 

He's a good kid.

Speaking of good kids, you can only imagine the overtime Adam has been working lately keeping me afloat.  I love him and I am so grateful for him.

I am grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ.  It is an anchor to me.  I flail around and my courage falters at times, but it is always somewhere I can return to.