Weekend

 Friday at school was kind of awful.  I felt very tired and just run down.  At one point my students across the room were talking and I knew that I needed to get up and walk over there and do something about it and I just didn't have it in me.

I called my dad for his birthday and he told me that Tabor had set up the desks in Katie's classroom to accommodate her wheelchair.

I told him I thought a wheelchair sounded pretty good.

I called my doctor's office after my dad and found out that my PET scan had been denied once again.  I decided I don't have the emotional energy to be mad about it, so I'm trying not to be mad.

I missed Adam and felt discouraged and vulnerable.  

That carried me into Saturday.  I had planned to go to the temple, but I thought, I will just cry.  Nevertheless, I still wanted to go.  I considered that temple workers I know are very kind people and they wouldn't mind.

Later in the afternoon, Emma texted me and asked me how I was doing.

I texted her that my tag had been sticking out of my temple dress and someone fixed it and then another lady told me my slip was wonky and then another lady told me my dress was tucked into my sock.  Then I saw Jamie, who was working in initiatory and she hugged me and I started crying.

I texted Emma that I was sorry.  Maybe it was like when someone asks me about the weather and I start talking about high pressure systems.  Maybe I should just say fine.

Emma texted back that that was the level of detail she wanted.

She's the level of daughter I want.

Besides being the hottest mess at the Mt. Timpanogos temple on a Saturday, I'm glad I went to the temple.  I exchanged feeling lonely and discouraged and vulnerable for reassured and loved and empowered.

Not a bad trade.

Instead of feeling vulnerable that my fate is in the hands of the deciders at United Healthcare, I can feel safe because my fate is in God's hands.

I napped and Mark and I went grocery shopping and he did the laundry and I folded it.  I got ready for primary.  

Adam woke me up and hugged me and kissed me when he got home late on Saturday night.  Then he said, "Go back to sleep." And I did.

I'm glad he's home!

I feel weird at church, because a few people know I have cancer and a few people suspect "something is wrong with Thelma" because I canceled YEN and have bowed out of a few things.  It's not that I am super secretive (hello blog) but it is awkward to tell people and manage their reactions.  Especially because I cry.  (So I'm not really managing my own reaction too well either.)

I decided to tell Cortney because she is my "boss" in my primary chorister job and also my friend.

I told her I have cancer.  She said, "NO!" and threw her arms around me and held me tight.  The executive secretary came in the primary room to talk to her about doing her child and youth protection training and she didn't let go of me, but held out her hand to him and said, "I can't right now."

He backed away like she was a lioness and he didn't want to get swallowed.

Cortney let me go and said, "Tell me."

I don't know.  It felt like the reaction I needed right then.  Sometimes you just need someone to hug you and not let go.  Sometimes you need a lioness.