Grateful Friday

 My doctor told me he would call me the same day as the PET scan to give me the results so we could get my surgery scheduled.

He didn't call.

I don't even think he works on Friday.

So, if you want to, you know, actually know what is happening in your life, I don't suggest cancer.  

Zero stars.  Do not recommend.

At the same time. I have so much to be grateful for. 

I picked up the mail yesterday on the way home from school and I had a package from my friend Jill, who was our neighbor in Washington.

So kind!

I also got texts from both Nola and Stephanie (friend here, not WA Stephanie) asking if they could bring me dinner today or tomorrow.

I declined both because last night we needed to go shopping (and Adam ended up bringing something home) and tonight we're heading to Nevada.

I was talking to my mom yesterday and I told her that every single tiny inspiring quote or snippet of a song or kind interaction (text or in person) with someone gives me just what I need.  It all matters and it all adds up to getting through the day.

In July we had the capital D Dahl reunion, and this weekend we have the lowercase d Dahl reunion.  It's just my parents and siblings and families.  I'm so excited to see everyone.  Sadly, Tabor and Katie won't be coming because it's hard to travel for Katie, but at least their girls will come.

We are a little more battered than last time we got together, but I think I need to see them all the more.

As a huge bonus, Braeden and QE are coming.  Braeden was talking to my mom a while ago and said he was 75% sure they were coming.

My mom said they were taking everyone to the Star for lunch on Saturday and Braeden said, "OK, now I'm 85% sure."

Basque food + my mom for the win!

I wish that I could energetically get ready for the trip and help more with the undertaking of opening up the house.  I have felt a little bit of dread about it all because it will be so exhausting and I will feel like a lame duck.  

Enter Mark and Adam basically telling me to get over it.  They are gems and don't think I don't know it.

Truth and light

 I am always (always) so tired.  I go to bed tired and I wake up tired.  I always have a sore throat.  I always have pressure/rushing in my ears.  I am sometimes dizzy and sometimes nauseous and sometimes have a headache.

 Still.

I am overwhelmed by the fact that I am doing this.  It is so hard and some days are downright miserable, but I am doing this.  

I have so much help.  Priesthood blessing and prayers sustain me and hold me up.

I am so grateful for my family and friends, their support and prayers.  

Yesterday my cousin Margaret texted me.  She has hard won empathy and I was so grateful to hear from her.

Also yesterday, the school counselor asked me pointedly how I was and I finally told her.  We had such a good conversation.  It merged from counselor talk to talking about prayer and the temple.  (I love living and working in Utah County.)

I felt taller after talking to her.

In John 14, Jesus tells the disciples, "I will not leave you comfortless."

I have also not been left comfortless.

I just got home from my PET scan.  It was a surreal experience.  (All of this sort of is.  I feel like I am living in a Salvador Dali painting.)  The hospital has a brand new PET scan that they share with other facilities so it is a mobile unit.  I walked into a trailer with radioactive warning signs everywhere.  

And then they put the radioactive stuff in me!  Did I light up like a Christmas tree?  I guess time will tell.

The technician was very kind as they all are and I got through it.  Adam took me and then Mark switched him out.

I told them both that I could drive myself and they wouldn't hear of it.

For the rest of the morning I'm going to regain my bearings (eat, for example) and then I will go to school for the afternoon.

Surviving and googling

 I have heard people with health situations say, "I have good days and bad days."

I get that now.

Yesterday was not great.  I don't know why.  If I knew why, I would stop doing whatever that thing is....

I came home from school and had an enthusiastic come apart.

I hate feeling sick all. The. Time.  I hate relying on everyone else to do things that I used to be able to do no problem.  I hate knowing there isn't actually an end in sight for any of it.

Here's something very good that happened though.  My PET scan was approved!  I don't know if I was happier or the lady at my doctor's office was happier because I will now stop calling and asking her if it has been approved yet.

It is tomorrow at 6:30 AM.  I think it will be over in plenty of time so I just got a sub for the morning.  I need to save up all my sub time.

I'm grateful it was approved because moving forward is moving, even if it is slow.  I'm grateful Adam and Mark pick me up and put me back together.  I'm grateful I'm surviving one day at a time.

Besides all of that, 3rd graders crack me up.

Here are some things that happened:

In a story we read, someone was playing the cello.  I wrote cello down on our graphic organizer and they all told me I'd spelled it wrong.

I kept telling them I hadn't and they weren't having it.  It has to be spelled CH, they said.

I had to google it and show them.

There is one little guy who isn't quite on top of things.  He very often gets the wrong computer.  He can't log in.  He can't find the page we're on.  During phonics, I was having them write words.  For example, they wrote a list of -an words and -og words.  I wrote the words on the board that they told me.  Very basic stuff, not 3rd grade level, but we'll work up to it.

With all the angst of someone who thought his teacher was crazy, he said, "That isn't a word.  None of these are words!"

I promised they were.  (They were words like can and tan and frog and log.)

He didn't believe me.

Friends, my work is cut out for me.

I have a very live wire sort of boy who moved here from Columbia last year.  His English is wobbly and his behavior is even wobblier, but he is so cute and charming and I already love him.  

We were doing math and he said, "Wait, is this minus or subtract?"

It kind of stopped me in my tracks.  My brain stuttered.  I finally said, "It is both.  They are the same."

He drew a slash on his white board.  "This?" he demanded.

"Yes," I said.

I admire him so much.  Working hard (and working hard at causing havoc--he is rarely in his seat) in a language that is new to him, but learning so fast.

If they spell the word responsible they will get popsicles.  They earn a letter if they transition quickly or come to the kiva in ways that are civilized and I erase a letter if they don't.

It's been pretty hard fought, but they are close.

My little Columbian friend was really encouraging everyone yesterday and saying, "C'mon!  We want to get popsicles!"

Then he said, "Miss?  What is popsicles?

I tried to explain and he was mystified.  I googled it and showed him a picture.  He said, "Ohhhhh!"  Then he spoke rapid fire Spanish to no one in particular.  

I would like to know how anyone was a teacher before google.

Journeying

 On Sunday my mom told me about Marianne's Relief Society lesson and I've been thinking about it ever since.

Here's what Nephi said in 1 Nephi 17: 

And so great were the blessings of the Lord upon us, that while we did live upon raw meat in the wilderness, our women did give plenty of suck for their children, and were strong, yea, even like unto the men; and they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings. 

Laman and Lemuel had had the same experience and this what they said: 

... we have wandered in the wilderness for these many years; and our women have toiled, being big with child; and they have borne children in the wilderness and suffered all things, save it were death; and it would have been better that they had died before they came out of Jerusalem than to have suffered these afflictions. 

I have thinking about how I can be more Nephi and less Laman and Lemuel.

Here are my blessings from yesterday:

My classroom was pleasantly in the mid 70s all day.

A student brought me a peach that had been "picked yesterday."  It was SO good.  I got peach juice all over myself, but it was amazing.

Even though I didn't sleep super well (anxious about the PET scan--lack thereof), I had energy to survive the day.

Even though the internet was down and all the teachers were walking around before school with crazy eyes, we pulled together and figured out stuff to do sans internet.

And the internet came back by lunchtime.

I walked with Kim, which was so nice.  It's been over a month.  

Rod got home when we were chatting in their driveway so I talked to both of them for a few minutes.  We have such good neighbors.

Adam came home and made an amazing dinner.

Weekend

 Friday at school was kind of awful.  I felt very tired and just run down.  At one point my students across the room were talking and I knew that I needed to get up and walk over there and do something about it and I just didn't have it in me.

I called my dad for his birthday and he told me that Tabor had set up the desks in Katie's classroom to accommodate her wheelchair.

I told him I thought a wheelchair sounded pretty good.

I called my doctor's office after my dad and found out that my PET scan had been denied once again.  I decided I don't have the emotional energy to be mad about it, so I'm trying not to be mad.

I missed Adam and felt discouraged and vulnerable.  

That carried me into Saturday.  I had planned to go to the temple, but I thought, I will just cry.  Nevertheless, I still wanted to go.  I considered that temple workers I know are very kind people and they wouldn't mind.

Later in the afternoon, Emma texted me and asked me how I was doing.

I texted her that my tag had been sticking out of my temple dress and someone fixed it and then another lady told me my slip was wonky and then another lady told me my dress was tucked into my sock.  Then I saw Jamie, who was working in initiatory and she hugged me and I started crying.

I texted Emma that I was sorry.  Maybe it was like when someone asks me about the weather and I start talking about high pressure systems.  Maybe I should just say fine.

Emma texted back that that was the level of detail she wanted.

She's the level of daughter I want.

Besides being the hottest mess at the Mt. Timpanogos temple on a Saturday, I'm glad I went to the temple.  I exchanged feeling lonely and discouraged and vulnerable for reassured and loved and empowered.

Not a bad trade.

Instead of feeling vulnerable that my fate is in the hands of the deciders at United Healthcare, I can feel safe because my fate is in God's hands.

I napped and Mark and I went grocery shopping and he did the laundry and I folded it.  I got ready for primary.  

Adam woke me up and hugged me and kissed me when he got home late on Saturday night.  Then he said, "Go back to sleep." And I did.

I'm glad he's home!

I feel weird at church, because a few people know I have cancer and a few people suspect "something is wrong with Thelma" because I canceled YEN and have bowed out of a few things.  It's not that I am super secretive (hello blog) but it is awkward to tell people and manage their reactions.  Especially because I cry.  (So I'm not really managing my own reaction too well either.)

I decided to tell Cortney because she is my "boss" in my primary chorister job and also my friend.

I told her I have cancer.  She said, "NO!" and threw her arms around me and held me tight.  The executive secretary came in the primary room to talk to her about doing her child and youth protection training and she didn't let go of me, but held out her hand to him and said, "I can't right now."

He backed away like she was a lioness and he didn't want to get swallowed.

Cortney let me go and said, "Tell me."

I don't know.  It felt like the reaction I needed right then.  Sometimes you just need someone to hug you and not let go.  Sometimes you need a lioness.

Still

Even when I get plenty of sleep I still come home so tired.

I am still waiting for my insurance to approve my PET scan so we can move forward.

I still have to figure out what is for dinner.

It is still really hot (recess duty in the upper 90s isn't anyone's favorite).

Children still bring you sickness.  Miriam has a full on cold and my immune system is weak.  I came home with a sore throat and a knot in my stomach about it.

I am still trying to get through one day at a time.

I still have good books to read.

My chair is still comfortable and so is my bed.

Our fridge is still working since Mark and Adam fixed it.

I'm still praying, but I think my prayers have shifted a little.  Instead of begging please please I can't, I'm saying, OK, but please help me.

Still.

Planners gotta plan

 Yesterday I asked Matt if I could talk to him.

He said, "Yeah, what do you got?"

We were surrounded by people in the busy work room.  I said, "Can we have a conversation?" 

He said, "Ohhhh," and followed me to my classroom.  (My students were at PE.)

If you need a hype man, may I suggest Matt?  He is exactly who I need.  He told me that he has worked with a teacher and a secretary who had cancer and chemo.  He laid out his plan for how to handle it.  It felt...doable.  He said, "I'm concerned about your health, but I'm not worried about any of this."  He gestured around my classroom.  He said, "The entire school is your team and we've got this."

He also told me that my students would learn a lot of empathy and that was probably more important than anything else I could teach them.

When I was at the doctor's office on Tuesday, Adam told him, "She's not sleeping."

Dr. Chipman scooted his wheelie stool a tad closer to me and asked, "How are we going to get you to sleep?"

I don't know.  Tell me I don't have cancer?

He prescribed an anxiety medicine.  When I got home yesterday I told Mark I had been prescribed anxiety medicine and we would have to go get it when it was ready. (I was planning to take some of my nuclear option migraine medicine so I wouldn't be driving!)  He said, "Well that's about 52 years too late."

OK, but it is here now.

Marek was over and he very earnestly said, "I think anxiety medicine is a good idea."

Yesterday was Mark's first day of school for his semester at UVU.  I said, "I should have milk and cookies or something for you for your first day.  Milk and gluten free cookies."

Marek shrugged and said, "Well it's OK you don't have cookies, because I'm here and I'm gluten free."

And he is.  I love Marek.  My quirky kids collect quirky friends and I'm not sad about it.

I slept long and well last night.  I feel less anxious (and I didn't even take the anxiety medicine because I had taken migraine medicine and I didn't know if they'd get along).  I will save the anxiety medicine for coming days.  

I know there will be coming days.  It's not like this is going to be easy.  I just feel so grateful that it is feeling more and more doable.  As plans start to fall into place I feel like I have a new lease on life.

I need plans!