I can't even

When you have teenagers, sometimes you just don't get it, whatever it is.  (Often I don't even want to try.)

For example, the white girl thing.  It's a thing, but I don't know.  Starting a few years ago, Braeden would ask me sometimes when I was at the brink of exasperation, "Can you literally not even, Mom?"  or he would tell me to not go "all white girl" on him.

White girl?  I can't be anything except a white girl.  You should see the undersides of my arms.  They're practically blue, they're so white.

The other day, Mark said, "Why are white girls always in an odd number?"

"I don't know, Mark, why?"

"Because they can't even."

"OK," I said.  Because sometimes it's just best to move on.

The other day I went to a meeting with Emma and her counselor.  All the juniors had to meet for CCRs.  If there's one thing they love here in PG, it is initials.  Nobody has time to say the words.  There are CCRs and CCAs (Career and College Readiness as opposed to Career and College Awareness).  And then there are CTE classes (Career and Technical Education).  It's sort of exhausting.

Anyway, we were meeting.  Emma is always in her element at times like that.  She's got her life Planned with a capital P.  She knows which classes she wants.  She's talked to people and has intelligent questions to ask.  She has strong opinions and good grades and solid confidence and I just sit there, impressed.  She hardly needs me; I just sign on the parent line at the end.

The counselor asked her where she wanted to go to college and she said, "BYU."

He said, "It's getting really tough to get in there...."

I started covering my ears and humming loudly because I want to be in denial about that.  (No, I didn't really.  Only on the inside.)

He asked her if she had a backup plan, did she want to stay in Utah?

She said, "Well, I'm not really attached to Utah."

And at that moment, I couldn't even.  Yes, Braeden.  Literally.


I have all my eggs squarely in the my-children-at-BYU basket.  I've always wanted them to go there because I loved going to BYU myself and I want them to have the same great experience.

Moving 30 minutes away from the campus exponentially increased that desire.  I hadn't really considered Emma going away to college, further than Provo.  The thought makes me want to crawl under the covers and hide.

Emma has always been the definition of independent.  She can fix problems and switch gears and she has the work ethic of an Olympic athlete.  I frankly don't know how I gave birth to someone like her.

She mostly keeps me at arm's length and I'm OK with arm's length.  I'm used to arm's length.  What struck me for maybe the first time, was the idea of her further than arm's length.  The idea breaks my heart a little.

I need this girl in my life.

I need her to be attached to Utah (because it's where I am.)

I need to figure out how to not crack apart from children growing up.

I can't even.