Transitions

I am no good at transitions.  They keep me up at night and then I remember that some people have actual problems, but then I still can't sleep.

Being a mother full time has filled me up.  I love it.  It's what I always wanted to do and it's felt important and the best possible use of my time.

Thinking about being a teacher excites me.  I love it.  It's what I've always wanted to do and it feels important and like a good use of my time.

Transitioning between the two makes me anxious.

Mark.  He is big and sturdy and capable.  On the one hand he is on the cusp of gaining the independence of a driver's license and he really doesn't need me too much on most days.

On the other hand Adam and I have both had dreams this week about Mark as a little boy.

It's hard to let him grow up.

It's hard to balance everything--or at least feel balanced myself.  I think it's a lot less about what I am doing and a lot more that I feel conflicted about it all.

Next week, I'm going to attend a literary conference that I'm looking forward to.  Next week I also have to choose between a handful of parenting and preparing-to-teach-school-again things that are happening at the same time.

And then there's Easter to prepare for.  And when am I going to make the Finnish sour dough rye bread that is a multi-day process and one of our general conference traditions?

It felt overwhelming at 3:00 AM but later in the morning, when the sun was up, I told Adam that I am a planner.  This is what I've trained for.

I've got this.

(But transitions are still hard.)