Grateful Friday

 The Buddy Bench on the playground is for a kid to sit on if they don't have anyone to play with.  Then, hopefully, some kind kid will notice and invite them to play.  Sometimes when I have recess duty I sit on the Buddy Bench.  It always invites a conversation, usually with the odd duck children that don't have a lot of friends. 

Yesterday a boy sat by me. This followed:

Me:  How are you doing today?

Boy:  I am great!  I am going to play Fortnite with my brother tonight.

Me:  That sounds fun.  How old is your brother?

Boy: 23

Me:  I have a son who is 23.

Boy (looking at me with wonder and skepticism in equal measure): What video games does he play?

Me:  I am not really into video games.  I don't know the names.  I know he does like video games though.

Boy: What's his name?

Me: Mark

Boy:  Well, my brother is named...John...so I don't think they're the same person.

Did he think they were the same person?!?

Me: No, I don't think they are the same person.

Boy: Wait, did your son serve in the army?

Me: No.

Boy:  Well my brother did.  I don't think they're the same person.

He finally trotted away to go find something else to do.  I thought about my mom, since I have been thinking about her all the time.

It occurred to me that if my mom was at recess duty, she would always find the odd ducks and collect them around her and be their buddy.  My mom would hold court on the Buddy Bench.

If every day I try to do what she would do, I think I will be pointed in the right direction.

I'm grateful for her example.

Fog, but lighthouses

 I would definitely say I was in a fog at school yesterday.  I was so incredibly tired and a bit nauseous and dizzy.  I didn't know where the chemo aftereffects ended and the grief started, but I was struggling.

During math I kept transposing numbers and making simple little mistakes.

Luckily 3rd graders are very forgiving and I have a sign on my wall that states:  Mistakes Are Proof That You Are Trying.

They recite it to me when I make mistakes and I gratefully thank them.

Despite the fog, there were lighthouses, which every foggy day needs.

My team wrapped me in hugs, multiple hugs.  They had gifts for me.  They are truly the best.

On Tuesday Bonneville had sent me a beautiful plant, delivered to our house and at school Camie threw her arms around me.  Shawna did too.  Courtney stopped me in the hall.  The nurse checked in.  Elementary school faculty and staff are the biggest supporters you'll ever want or need.  I am sure of that.

There was a small collection of teacher appreciation gifts on my desk from my students, leftover from last week.

Maybe one of the best things about the day was the way some of their faces lit up when they saw that I was back.

Me too kiddos; so glad to see you.

The loudest decibel

 I have been tasked with delivering the eulogy at my mother's funeral.  I spent a good part of yesterday working on it. 

If you think I'll be able to give it without crying, you're wrong.

I need to figure out how to do that and then I need to figure out how to get through something as monumental as losing my mom...

...without having my mom to talk it over with.  

Hannah sent me this and I know she knows what she is talking about.

Mother dear, I love you so

 Yesterday our sweet mother peacefully passed away to the next life.

Everything felt upside down.  I felt low physically already and then I felt like I had no idea what to even do or think about.

I had a good cry and then Adam and I went to my doctor office for IV fluids.  While there, my dad and siblings and some nieces (and maybe nephews?) were on a WhatsApp call.  I handed Adam my phone and told him to represent me.

He came back after a while and handed me the phone and said, "You want to be a part of this."

It was incredibly healing to be there on the phone with everyone.  We sketched out plans and laughed a little bit and expressed love a lot.  I felt very grateful to be a part of my family.  I'm grateful for my good parents.  I'm grateful we love each other.

I had a hard time sleeping.  Adam read to me and I was able to sleep some, but at about 2:00, I gave up.  Around 3:00, I texted my sisters.  I didn't know what time it was in Ghana, but I was guessing daytime.  I also figured Olivia might be awake.

4:00 AM found me on the phone with both sisters.  

I am glad that I already had today off.  I'm going to go to school for the rest of this week and then next week I'm going to take some more days off and go spend time with my family.  It is what I long for right now.

One thing I'm going to do today is go through the mail.  Adam and I picked it up yesterday.  There were two birthday cards in my mom's handwriting peeking out of the stack, one for me and one for Adam.  She was so sick, but she hardly missed a beat of what mattered to her.

Sunday afternoon, Braeden and his family had a short FaceTime with my mom.  She told QE that she'd sent her a birthday card.  She said, "There's a paper airplane in it.  Your dad may have to refold it a little but then it will really fly."

My mom was good at making paper airplanes.  She could make them really fly.

She was also good at making her children and grandchildren feel like they could really fly.  She buoyed us up.  She believed the best of us.  She expected us to rise to her idea of us.

It takes my breath away how much she will be missed.

Weekend

 What I thought would be a sit in my chair all weekend scenario, turned into a family weekend.

Tabor and (niece) Olivia were in Utah on Friday so they stopped by chemo to visit me.  We went to lunch after and then they came to our house to visit until their next doctor appointment. They still have plenty of appointments and insurance fights since their accident and I admire their tenacity.

Saturday my mom took a turn for the worse and we decided to go to Nevada and visit my parents.  I felt a little trepidation because of chemo, but we forged on.  Emma and Mark went too, in a separate car so Emma could go back earlier (in time for her choir practice).  

Adam and the kids did everything to set up our house and unload the cars and I was very much a lady of leisure.  

We missed Marianne and Robert, but saw some of their kids--Desi came from Wendover and Hyrum from Provo.  We visited with Olivia and her boys and my cousin Hannah and saw my uncle Demar and aunt Lora.  And of course, we spent time with my parents.

Sunday evening we were driving back to our house and Adam asked me how I was doing.  I said I felt like I was watching myself from a ways away.  Everything is blunted from chemo.  

I could not keep my eyes open past 7:00 PM and I woke up this morning at 6:30 AM.  I had a text from Alissa asking about a school question and I have zero idea.  None.  

Today we're going back to Utah in time for me to get an infusion of fluids to hopefully perk me up a bit.

I feel grateful for family and grateful we could come to Nevada.  I'm grateful for the steady presence Adam is, always taking care of me and making things possible.  I'm grateful for my good parents.

At your service

 I have no medical training, but I am called on for many a medical quandary.

Pretty much if it is any skin malady, I offer lotion.  It almost always helps the itchy, sore, bug bitten skin my students have.

Also band-aids.  So many band-aids.

Then there are the hypochondriacs.

My leg hurts.  

My response is always the same.  "Go sit down.  Don't move.  You rest that leg.  If you need a sharpened pencil, tell me.  Don't get out of your seat."

It never really lasts.

Yesterday a student said it hurt her mouth when she opened it.  I told her to go do her iReady lessons.  I told her, "Good news, you don't need to open your mouth to do iReady."

If they would all stay in their seats and keep their mouths shut, imagine how much we could accomplish!

Another student showed me her arm (that looked approximately like an arm).  I failed to see the problem and she was deeply offended and acted like I owed her money.

I said, "What do you want me to do?"

"I don't know!" she huffed.

Later she tied a sling out of her sweatshirt and wore it all day like that.

They expect me to know things, even when all indications (have some lotion and go sit down and do your work) would make it clear that I don't really know much about medicine.

I had recess duty yesterday and three students called me over with such urgency that at first I thought someone was hurt.

They were standing near the map of the United States that is painted on the blacktop.  "Which one is Arizona?" they asked.  They were having a heated argument and all three of them were incorrect.

I showed them Arizona.

Then they wanted to know state after state.  One of the boys wanted to know where the Patriots were from.  How about the Miami Dolphins? Where are the Bills from?  I pointed out all the states and one of the students said, "You're really smart!"

They rapid fire quizzed me and I knew all the states to their everlasting appreciation.

They need to stick to questions like that and not expect me to know what to do about a sore arm.

Speaking of medical things I don't know about, I have chemo today.  My last one that has an asterisk in my brain, because is it the last one?  I don't know yet.

I'll sit down and do my work and maybe put some lotion on....

That's all I got.

My people

It is Teacher Appreciation Week, which means we have treats in the faculty room and occasionally something from students.  One of my students made this for me.  His mom emailed it because their printer wasn't working.  He has autism so he doesn't always chat with me or express a lot, but this card he made me speaks volumes.  I've read them three Ramona books so far and they love them and I love them and I felt seen with this card he made.

We finished Ramona the Brave yesterday and they voted for the next read.  One of the options was the next Ramona book and another one was the next Humphrey book (among others).  Humphrey won by one  vote and the students who voted for Ramona were bugged.

I said their whole lives there would be elections and the person they voted for may not win, so they needed to learn to handle it gracefully.

One of them said, "We can say, 'aw shucks, maybe next time.'"  They nodded in agreement.

Imagine if third graders could help certain unnamed people with that attitude....

Especially after a long weekend, my students have a lot to share.  Yesterday morning I called them to the kiva.  They were bleary eyed with the new time change.  I told them the announcements and we said the pledge.  One of them raised her hand and said, "My grandpa is dying."

I said I was so sorry to hear that.

Another one raised her hand, "I had a smoothie yesterday."

(Which feels like the next thing to say when someone has shared some sad news?)

I said, "That sounds...good."

Suddenly they all wanted to share.

"I had a head-ache yesterday.  A heavy head-ache."

"Someone in my family is dying and they have kids."

"I went to St. George."

"My brother broke his arm."

On and on they went, telling me their things.  They are my people and I am theirs.  I am glad I get to read to them and I'm glad I get to tell them to get over it when they lose an election.  I'm glad I get to see them rise to big and small occasions.  I'm glad I get to be the one to hear their stories.

A good day

 Olivia and I had a conversation the other day about how, for us, a good day was one where we were productive.  We aren't opposed to relaxing or recreating, but the best sort of day is one where we are productive. 

(I think you can't be Coralee Dahl's daughter and be otherwise.)

We're a lot of fun....

Anyway, yesterday was a good day!

I had a robust to do list and I did everything on it!

I had lunch with Alissa and Maren at Marley's (neither of them had ever been there).

I had a good blend of productive meetings and productive head-down-getting-stuff done (sub plans!).

The weather was gorgeous and Kim and I took a walk after school.

I told Mark that I would come home way more relaxed if I always had teacher work days.  I guess I just don't know to what end I would be doing the work....

(And I like it more when the kids are there anyway.)

Weekend

 We knew our fridge was on the struggle bus and Adam had ordered a new one (to be delivered this week), but on Friday morning, when I pulled out my lunch to take to school, it felt decidedly not cold.  I tested the temperature inside the fridge and it was a balmy 60 degrees!

I went to school knowing that I had a project ahead of me.

In another chapter of I never know what will happen at school, we read a story about Garrett Morgan, who invented gas masks and improved traffic lights.  They wondered, like they always do when we read a biography, if he was still alive.  He was born in 1877, so I had them help me do the math to figure it out.

Since he would be 149, I told them that he wouldn't be alive still.

Hands shot up.  The kids who are studying the Old Testament for Come Follow Me this year had to report that people used to live older.  They rattled off the ages of Adam et al.  

OK, OK, but most people don't live that long....

After school, Mark and I pulled everything out of the fridge.  We put condiments in coolers and threw everything else away.  Two garbage bags full of eggs and cheese and meat and dairy products and good leftovers and gross leftovers that no one was going to eat anyway.

It was sad. And for the 1200th time this week alone, I felt very grateful for Mark.

We went to JCWs for dinner.  He convinced me to go there so I could get a peanut butter milkshake to soothe my sore throat.

I had a sore throat which is kind of what-else-is-new, but also annoying.

It didn't take too much convincing because I know those are Mark's favorite GF burgers and I owed him one (or 1200) and also he wasn't wrong about the peanut butter milkshake thing.

We came home and I was tired so I went to bed early.  My throat kept getting more and more sore.  During the night it turned out to be the worst sore throat of my life.  It was only on one side, but swallowing was excruciating.  I texted Adam and he was still awake.  He called me and I couldn't really talk to him, but he told me to gargle with salt water and take medicine and he made me feel better by being Adam.

I did everything he said and was able to sleep.  

Saturday I woke up with a less sore throat, but with feeling generally sick.  Achy and tired and miserable.  Cue pity party of one because I had saved up a bunch of stuff to do Saturday.  And also on the list was figuring out food for the following week that didn't need a refrigerator.  Mark and I were going to go to Costco and Trader Joe's and figure out a freezer heavy meal plan.

I felt very discouraged.

Mark bucked me up like he does.  He kissed my forehead and said to give him a shopping list and that I should rest.  I said he couldn't go to Costco.  He said, "Then I'll go to Walmart.  I can get what we need."

He is just helpful and solid and loving and I don't know what I'd do without that kid.  

I talked to my mom on Saturday.  She is on hospice and there is nothing easy about her life right now.  Despite that, she usually just wants to know how I am.  I cried and told her all my self-pitying circumstances and she was sympathetic.

I also told her that her example means the world to me.  Every time I talk to her, besides her telling me how good my dad is to her, she tells me that every night she prays for the Savior to be with her.  "And He is."

I don't know why she has to suffer and I don't know why any of us have to suffer, but I know and I have always known that my mom is one of the strongest people I know.  Her life has always been one of service and faithfulness and she is no different now, even though she can't do the things she used to do.

Since both my sons and Adam thought I should (and who am I to disagree with the men in my life?), I went to urgent care Saturday night.  It didn't feel exactly like strep throat, but it felt miserable and if it was something that I could get an antibiotic for and feel better, sign me up.  

I was tested for strep, Covid and influenza and they were all negative.  Sigh.  Not that I wanted any of those, I just wasted a trip when I would rather be tucked under a blanket.

Sunday I stayed home and watched church remotely and had a little less angst about it all.  I know that wishing things were different is never going to help.  I need to find ways to thrive in the hand I've been dealt.  As Marie Louise would say with her British/Australian accent, I need to "get on with it."

Emma came over for dinner and we had frozen pizza which is the best idea I could come up with in our refrigerator-less state.  We played Qwixx and talked and I always enjoy my time with Emma and Mark.  

Adam went to church in Birmingham, Alabama and I think he enjoyed it.  I enjoy living vicariously through him.  He narrated the countryside he was seeing while he drove.  He talked about someday going on a road trip like that with me.

Some day.

Grateful Friday

 I am grateful my grades are more or less in hand.  I have a few last minute assessments happening today and then I can post those grades.  Third quarter, in the books!

I am grateful for the pretty pictures Adam sends of where he is in the world.  I can live vicariously through him.

I am grateful when things work.  There are plenty of times when I try something at school and it doesn't work, so I'm grateful for when they do work.

My students were getting a bit lax on their iReady lessons--the third grade didn't reach their goal of lessons passed for February.  I decided to make it a competition and whoever gets the most lesson this week will get a prize.  A boy who didn't do a single iReady lesson the entire months of November and December is leading the pack with 16 lessons, just this week!

Another random thing that is working is to set a timer on an app on my phone and set it in front of one of my students.  He works for seven minutes and then gets a two minute break.  It's like magic and why didn't I do that in September?!?

I am grateful I don't have to go roller skating.  Last night was Bonneville Night at Classic Skating.  At recess some of Alissa's girls wondered if I was going to go.  I said no.  They were shocked, "But why not?!?"

I said, "I don't really know how to roller skate."

More shock, and also a lot of advice, "You can just hold onto the side, that's what I do."

Also, they tried to entice me, "They also have laser tag!"

I didn't tell them, but Classic Skating was the last thing I wanted to do.  Three cheers for being an adult and just saying no.

The final thing I'm grateful about is having Mark around.  He is helpful and good company.  I especially notice how much I rely on him for everything when Adam is out of town.  What a gift to have him living with us right now!

Reminders

 Sometimes I wonder if I want to keep teaching.  Even without all the cancer stuff, this year has been hard.  (Actually I don't know.  I can't separate the two.)

I have some hard students and when I don't feel well, I get a sense of defeat about the whole thing.

I want to say, OK.  I give up.  I'm going home.

Yesterday I had a few reminders of why I don't want to quit.  During math, we were doing Word Problem Wednesday, which is what we do the second half of the year.  Every Wednesday I tell that the reason we do Word Problem Wednesday is that in their lives as grownups, they will never have to do math worksheets and they won't have a math workbook.  They will have situations that are basically word problems.

As we worked our way through the problems, I realized, "They are getting these!"

And their exit tickets showed me it's true.  (There were a few exceptions--there always are.)

I live for moments like that!  Moments where they get it!

During our reading lesson, there was more of the same.  We were working on context clues and I loved seeing their brains figure out the meanings of words and idioms.  

What a gift to be able to be at the front lines of children making connections and learning new things!

At the end of the day, when they bursting out the door after the bell rang, one of the girls called over her shoulder, "Bye Mrs. Davis!  I love you!"

I love you too.

It isn't meant to be easy

I had a rough night's sleep last night, which is the last thing I need when I am fighting fatigue so hard.  Adam is leaving today for a week long trip and that's never fun.  He'll be back just in time for my chemo.  Between now and chemo, I have grades that are due and I need to plan for four sub days.

And then there's the whole cancer thing that messes with my mind.  Good news!  Last chemo round!  But then what?  Did it work?!?  What is next?  How long will my remission be?

All unproductive things to wonder about at 1:00 AM, but there you have it.

This morning I read this by President Nelson:

 "...life isn't meant to be easy....Victory comes only to those who muster the faith to stay on the track--the strait and narrow way."

It is validating.  This isn't meant to be easy.  I'm not living life wrong if it isn't easy.

Also, what does victory for me look like?  I don't think victory means a perfect life, free of troubles.  If it comes only to those who muster the faith to stay on the track, I guess staying on the track--the strait and narrow way, will lead me there.  I'll figure it out eventually.

I can do hard things.  I have survived lots of hard days.  My own prayers and the prayers of others on my behalf have sustained me thus far and I don't foresee them drying up and ceasing to work.

So onward.

Weekend

 We had a wonderful time!  I am glad we were able to go to California to spend time with family and be there for the blessing of our little YP.  

Top ten things from the weekend:

1- walking hand in hand at the farmers market with QE

2- buying QE some really good strawberries at the farmers market when she wanted a snack (California is constantly showing off).

3- witnessing the great parents Braeden and Anna are--I love the way they pull together

4- being in mild and verdant and fragrant California 

5- holding YP--he is so snuggly!

6- Adam and Mark took excellent care of me at every turn

7- reading to QE

8- sharing the love with Anna's parents.  I like them so much and we all like our shared family so much.  It's a lot of love and I'm here for it.

9- the way QE kept lifting my arm to listen to my watch tick during church

10- family time--it was great to be with Geri and have lots of time with Adam and Mark and Braeden and Anna and those adorable grandchildren!

Grateful Friday

Here's what I'm grateful for this week:

 Yesterday we had district training.  It is a pain because sub plans and sitting in a chair all day.  It is also pretty great because we get to hang out as a team (and I do learn a lot).  Almost every table had snackle boxes that teachers brought for their friends. Maren brought two snackle boxes for us.  Teachers are my kind of people.

We had lunch at Chubby's and I texted Adam and he stopped by to say hi, which was a nice perk for the day.  He was having one of his work from home-ish days.  He is kind of a nomad on days like that and varies his work spot to keep himself on task.

The other night I had Mark take Joan to get her oil changed.  It felt like such a win.  Adult children are pretty great.

The biggest thing I feel grateful for today is that we are going to CA for the weekend.  YP is being blessed on Sunday and I am grateful we can go.  It will be fun to be there with Anna's parents and Geri.  So much love for our young royalty.  Braeden asked if I still had the little suit he was blessed in.  I dug it out as well as a Mariners romper and a BYU romper that Braeden wore as a baby.  I am taking them as well.

There's a story behind the little blessing suit.

Adam's Grandma Kate, who was a very colorful character, was crocheting a dress for Braeden to be blessed in while I was still pregnant with him and she didn't know if he would be a boy or a girl.

According to Grandma Kate, Braeden appeared to her (in a dream?) and swore at her (?) and told her that he was a boy, not a girl.

So she switched gears and bought the suit.  (She gave us the crocheted dress too.)

It is a story that has been told and retold in an illustration to our children of Grandma Kate.  Also, about the swearing baby who appeared to Kate?  Adam maintains that God speaks to us in the language we understand....

I'm grateful for family.  Especially the ones that liven things up.

Hard, but delightful

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have a calm office job where you don't have to worry about a certain student popping out of his chair every 30 seconds or another student stirring everyone up by talking about crushes or another student throwing a fit because another student said something he didn't like.

It can be exhausting to be a teacher.

It is also delightful.

I have these whiteboards in a corner of my room.  

We use them for "vertical math."  It is vertical because they set up the boards and can see each others' work.  It is OK if they look to each other "for inspiration." They work in groups of three students.  After they do a math problem, I pick a stick.  If that student can explain their math problem, their entire group gets a piece of candy.  The point is that they teach each other so everyone in the group will be ready if called on.

Anyway.

One of the students was ready to explain their math thinking.  I walked to the back of the room and picked up their whiteboard and lifted it over the desks and brought it to the front of the room.

One of my students said, "Woah!"

Another said, "Mrs. Davis is strong."

Believe me when I tell you 1) those whiteboards are not heavy and 2) I am not that strong.

Still.  It's nice to be impressive.

I had recess duty in the afternoon.  During recess, one of Miriam's students gave me these paper flowers she had made for me.  I don't think that happens in calm office jobs.

Also, I overheard some kids playing with a basketball.  Soon, because they would yell "miss" or insult each other to make them miss the basket, they started having an existential conversation about whether or not it made a difference if they hurled insults at each other.

Some of them maintained, "The ball doesn't have feelings!"

The boy who appeared to be the alpha of the group said, "OK, let me try.  Yell at me while I shoot."

They did.  He missed.  He said, "OK, I guess it does make a difference."

They continued on with their basket shooting.

Also at recess, two 6th graders who used to be my students, came up to give me hugs.  One of the boys was in trouble every day he was in my class.  I dragged his desk over to the side of the room so he faced the wall.  It was nice of him to give me a hug.  Forgive and forget.

At the end of the day, I had an entire basket full of their graded papers to pass out.  I gave everyone a stack and they roamed around the room, delivering papers.  One boy told everyone he handed a paper to whether or not they were going 'to get McDonalds tonight' based on their score.

Some of the kids looked like they actually believed him.  

Later some kids were talking about whether or not they were going to show their parents their papers and the same one who was letting everyone know their McDonalds fate said, "I have to show my parents.  If I lie, I will get in way more trouble than if I have a bad grade."

Good parents for the win!

White knuckles and prayers

 Some days are just hard.  On such days, I cannot deny that it is prayer that gets me through.  Some days, I pray the entire drive to school.  I outline my struggles.  I ask for help.  I am desperate for it.

My prayers are always answered.  Maybe not best-day-ever answered, but I keep on surviving.

So many kind people tell me they are praying for me.

I wonder if those prayers sustain me on the days that I am not white knuckle praying my way to school, on the days that I feel pretty good.

I don't know, but I appreciate the prayers all the same!

There are people I pray for too.  People in my family are going through real and intense struggles.  I have friends who are going through hard times.  It makes me wish I could do more.  I wish I could just fix everything.  It feels feeble when all I have are prayers, but then when I consider how much I appreciate the prayers of others, maybe my prayers are worth more than I imagine.

I'm grateful, as ever, for counterweights.  Life is never always gloomy.

I am less tired than last week.  A lot less tired.  I am still tired, but it is more manageable.  We had YEN (Young Empty Nesters) on Monday at Rod and Kim's house.  It was a good time.  We love YEN. Everyone brings really good food and no matter who we sit by, we always have a good conversation.  

One of Adam's coworkers lives in Louisiana and sent us a King Cake for Mardi Gras.  We took a big pot of baked beans to YEN, but took the King Cake along too.  It was surprisingly good for a cake that had been mailed to us.  Also, it was a conversation piece (no one found the baby inside--it must be in the leftovers we brought home).

The big exciting thing that happened yesterday was I gave my students another fractions on the number line quiz and they did substantially better.  It helps when I am at school and, you know, teaching.  Who'd have guessed....

Also at school, we read about the first African American U.S. Senator.  None of them knew what African American meant.  I explained that all of us, except Native Americans, have ancestors that came from somewhere else.  The children of immigrants lit up.  This was something they understood.  Some of the others looked at me with skepticism.  "I think I'm just from here...."

"Yes, you are, but somewhere in the past, your family came from another country."

We talked about it a few minutes and I explained how far back, my ancestors came from places like Great Britain and Sweden.  We are all immigrants.

It's my tiny effort to plant in them the idea that immigrants are a good and important part of our country.  The news makes me feel helpless, but I can counteract racism in my small domain.  That and bribe them with Takis to finish their lessons. 

Here's to keep on keepin' on.  Some days I am barely scraping by, some days are much better.  It's all adding up to my life and the lessons and formation of character I need.

Weekend

 Friday was a terrible day.  I felt sick (like I was getting a cold).  I hadn't had a good night's sleep and I was way more tired than I should have been.  Still feeling the effects of chemo.  

I felt really discouraged about it (which doesn't help).

To add to my discouragement, my students took two math tests and the results were abysmal.  I feel like every time I miss school, they slip behind.

I want to be healthy and I want to live my life and do my things!  I feel like I keep getting thwarted.

I came home and cried and Adam picked me up and put me back together like he does.  He said, "You are living your life.  This is your life.  It's maybe not what you want it to be, but it's your life."

He's not wrong.  I don't have the energy or health I want.  I'm not at school as often as I want to be.  Fractions are hard for third graders.  This is my life.  What I do with this life of mine is up to me, but I can't pick all the circumstances.

Then I slept for ten hours and that helped a lot.

Emma celebrated her birthday in California with Braeden's family.

They treated her very well.

On Saturday, we went to lunch at Old Spaghetti Factory at the Trolley Square (birthday girl's choice) to celebrate.   Sitting next to Adam and across from Emma and Mark and just enjoying a leisurely lunch--we all got mizithra cheese, so good!--was a balm to my soul.  We told stories and caught up about our goings on.  We daydreamed about taking QE to Disneyland.  Adult children are the gift that keeps giving.  At every stage, I've enjoyed our kids more and more.  I'm grateful to be their mother.

After lunch, we wandered through Weller Books.  (Again, Emma's choice.) She led me to the art books and then the children's section.  She guided Mark to the anime.  I love seeing Emma's Salt Lake City.  It's one of bookstores.  We wandered through Pottery Barn to look at dining tables.  (Did not see what I'm looking for.)  We went to Whole Foods so Adam could look for tikka masala sauce.  I was tired by then, so Emma and I sat outside in the sun and Mark and Adam emerged with gluten free Beechers mac and cheese.  A triumphant find for a kid who loves Beechers cheese like Mark does.

On our drive home Mark played the top 100 hits from 1990 for us.  It is lovely to have a live in DJ named Mark.

I got to church a little early on Sunday.  I walked across the chapel to say hi to Bonnie, who I hadn't talked to in a long time and who I know is going through hard things.  She said, "I haven't seen you for so long!  What has been going on?"

She didn't know about my cancer, so I told her.  She hugged me and listened to me and built me up the way she does any time I talk to her.  (I had gone over to check on her and she ended up serving me way more.)  I went back to my seat when the meeting was about to start.  Before I left, Bonnie said, "Thanks for telling me.  Now I can pray for you.  You should have told me earlier and I would have been praying all this time!"

Having someone as pure and loving as Bonnie pray for me is no small thing.

On my way to primary, the two ladies in the library came out into the hall to give me a hug and check on me.

Going to church fills my bucket.

So does family.  I talked on the phone to Braeden, Olivia and my parents.  Emma came over and Adam and the kids made a delicious dinner (while I was on the phone).  

All in all, winning.

Grateful Friday

 I am grateful...

...that one of my love languages (reading aloud to children) is part of my actual job.  We are going to finish Ramona the Pest today.  They are hotly debating whether or not we should read the next Humphrey book or the next Ramona book.  I think I'll offer The Mouse and the Motorcycle to the conversation to complicate things.  

...for snow.  The mountains are gorgeous.  The sky was icy blue yesterday and the sun was shining and the mountains sparkled their show-offy best.

...to be a teacher.  We had Junior Achievement day at school yesterday and volunteers took over our classrooms for the morning.  (It's a bizarre phenomenon that charitable/non-profit organizations periodically come to volunteer in our classrooms.  United Way does it sometimes too.  I would never assume I could just do someone's job for them.) The guys who taught my class were very nice and they did OK and also it was a little like watching a train wreck all morning.  I was chatting with a few teachers and we reasoned that at least maybe these people will vote for the next bond.  (Alissa's classroom was a balmy 52 degrees.). How about voting us some HVAC, friends?

My class showed off in the morning like kids do when there are unfamiliar houseguests.  One girl raised her hand and said that she could do a British accent because she had a German grandmother.  No one had asked.

Another one raised her hand and turned to me and said, "Teacher, when is our field trip?"  They wanted the guests to know how cool we are because we have a field trip...sometime this year.  (Again, no one had asked.)

The class was angelic all afternoon.  I think they were relieved to have someone back who made them toe the line a bit.

...Adam is home and Mark went to the airport last night to get him.

...I wasn't as stupid tired last night as I had been the night before.  Don't get me wrong, I did nothing but rest.  I just wasn't stupid tired.

...I made a realization that I will be DONE with chemo in a month.  That feels different than I have one more round.  When I consider I have one more round, I think about the process.  I think about the sub plans, the unpleasant port accessing/shot in the stomach, the sitting in a chair for two days feeling kind of yucky.  I think about days of nauseousness and fatigue.  I think about going back to school, scrambling to catch up while feeling exhausted.  I think of more hair falling out.

When I think about it the other way:  I will be DONE a month from now.  That is a horse of another color.

That makes me really happy.

(And yes, I allow my brain the done with chemo for now caveat.  I know I don't really know or control the actual plan.)

Snowy

 We had actual snow yesterday.  The first real snow of the year!  It has been the weirdest, warmest winter I can remember.

We had outside recess for lunch.  The snow wasn't really accumulating yet; it was wet and sloppy.  Before lunch I told them, "Stay out of puddles!" and "If you get your shoes wet, you'll be miserable all afternoon."

They didn't listen.  Of course not.  I remember when I was in elementary school.  In addition to undershirts which I had to wear, I had heavy boots.  I remember the lightness of spring when I could finally stop wearing undershirts and I could wear my tennis shoes again.

Now I realize what a luxury it was for me to have those heavy waterproof boots.  Only one or two of my students ever have winter boots each year.

So everyone came inside, cold and wet.

I projected a YouTube video of a crackling fire while I read Ramona the Pest to them.  

During phonics, Riley started clearing off the pavement with his small plow.  I finally shut the blinds because Riley on his snowplow was infinitely more interesting than phonics.

Afternoon recess was inside, which was worse for me.  They were amped up and squirrelly.  

The snow is pretty and I know we desperately need the moisture for the summer.  Still, I haven't missed inside recess!

About an hour after the kids went home, I hit a wall big time.  I had been tired all day, but then I was ridiculously tired.  I don't want to get sick again and I do want to listen to my body and let myself recover.

I went home and spent the rest of the night basically horizontal.  I napped and lay under a blanket and went to bed early.

It was nice on a snowy evening anyway.

Glimpses

I love getting little reminders of what our kids were like when they were younger.  Little glimpses.

 Yesterday was Emma's birthday.  She was in California visiting Braeden's family, so we will celebrate this weekend.  It was also Lunar New Year, so Braeden said he would take Emma out for Chinese food and let her steal some stuffed animals.

Years ago, we accidentally went to dinner at a Chinese restaurant on Chinese New Year.  It was back when we went to dinner very infrequently with our young family and we just coincidentally chose a Chinese restaurant on Chinese New Year.   I think Braeden was about five and Emma was about three.   The kind people at the restaurant gave our children red envelopes of money.  They also gave Emma and Braeden stuffed dogs to play with while we were there.

At the end, Emma didn't want to give up the stuffed dogs.  We were prepared to just take them from her, hand them over and take our protesting girl home, but the people at the restaurant insisted she keep them.  I hope we gave them a good tip.

Emma loved those little dogs.  She named them Inca and Chinta (she's always been a namer of things).  About the same time, we made a snowman on a rare Pacific Northwest snow day and she named him Noogis.

Last night, Mark and I went to JCW's for dinner.  I don't know if it is because my red blood cells are low (they are) or because I have subsisted on a lot of applesauce and crackers (I have), but somewhere along the way after chemo, I want a burger.

We were standing in line and Mark said, "OK, now what are you going to say when you order?"

I said, "No onions, no mayonnaise."

He said, "Good job."

(I am at the infantilizing stage of motherhood with that one I guess.)

To be fair, he is always with me when I forget to ask for no onions or mayonnaise and he is there when I scrape it all off and castigate myself for my folly.

While we waited for our order, I told Mark I don't understand why I don't like mayonnaise.  I like things with mayo in them, like fry sauce or ranch dressing.  

Mark said, "I used to think mayonnaise was bad for you, like the Word of Wisdom."

Adam and I both dislike mayonnaise in equal measure so Mark didn't really have it much as a little kid.  He said, "One time I was with Grandma Geri and we were having sandwiches and she put mayonnaise on her sandwich, so I thought it must be OK, so I tried it."

The little rebel.

It kind of delighted me.  I love thinking about little boy Mark, trying to navigate his world, trying to figure out what condiments were morally acceptable.  

Conjuring good things

 I was thinking about Stephanie.  I hadn't talked to her in a while.

Then, she called me as if I'd ordered up a phone call.  It was so good to catch up with her.

She told me that she and Brent are coming to Utah with their two oldest grandchildren to go skiing.

I said, "Will we have snow?!?"

She said, "You're supposed to be getting some snow."

And I love that mindset.  Why not hope for good things?  Why not expect good things?

Why not conjure phone calls from dear friends?

Weekend

 Well, this one has been rough.  I felt more nauseous on Saturday and Sunday than I have the previous times.  Which is expected.  (Who's excited for March?!?)

Starr brought dinner over on Thursday.  It was delicious.  Molly and Amy and Jen brought over dinner on Friday.  Also delicious.  And they brought me a red flowering plant that I think is a gloxinia, but I'm not sure.  So kind.  

I figured Valentine's Day would come and go without any notice.  Adam and Mark did errands together and one of their errands was to go to the Lego store and get me some Lego tulips.

I loved them!

Tulips are so cheerful and these won't ever droop.

Throughout the weekend, I got texts, phone calls and a brief visit from Marie Louise, all letting me know I'm not alone.

It helps more than I can express.

Before I go

 I wanted to write about our Valentine's Day party before I am down and out with chemo.

First, a window into the frustration of being Mrs. Davis.

We had our party Wednesday and the rest of the school is having their party tomorrow.  I debated whether they should exchange valentines on Wednesday or Friday.

I know enough to know that doing things out of the ordinary confuse them beyond belief.  I reasoned that since everyone else in the school--their siblings--would be bring valentines on Friday, we would do that too.  It felt like the path of least resistance.

I messaged their parents (on the app that translates to their home language) and let them know the plan.  Then, for a full week, I would tell them every day when we had our morning meeting that while we were having our party on Wednesday, we were exchanging valentines on Friday.

I told them every day.

Yesterday about half of them brought their valentines to exchange.  Some of them (not surprisingly the same ones who don't know what we're doing when I send them to their desks after a math lesson--they don't listen!) were shocked.  Wait, we're not exchanging valentines today?!?

The ones who listened and didn't bring their valentines were thrown into a tailspin of panic.  But I didn't bring my valentines today!

I put all the valentines on top of a bookshelf--until Friday.  I explained it all again.

(Alissa and I were comparing notes on how fractions on a number line were going.  She said, "You can only lead a horse to water.")

A sad truth.

Our party was slated for the afternoon.  We also had two birthdays (I have more February birthdays than any other month this year!).  So we had double cupcakes, juice boxes and super amped up kids because we were doing a party instead of phonics.

I decided to save the cupcakes for the very end of the day (which had its drawbacks because they were simultaneously cleaning up and holding a heavily frosted cupcake in each hand).

Three stellar mothers came to help with the party and they are the type of mothers that you just know are going to be great and know how to handle everything.  One mother brought a panapoly of craft supplies and they made cards.  One mother brought hearts on papers.  She had written conversation heart type stuff on the hearts with white crayon and they painted with water color to "reveal the secret."  They were enthralled.  Then they stacked conversation hearts using chopsticks.

One of the mothers brought a word search she had created for the station she asked me to run.  It was simple to be in charge of and allowed me to go around and snap pictures of the others.

And I wanted to snap pictures because one mother wrapped their heads in Saran Wrap, piled shaving cream on their heads and had a contest.  Their partner would throw froot loops at the shaving cream and whoever got the most to stick, was the winner.

It was hilarious.

And made such a mess!  (I apologized to the custodians.)

At the end of the very fun party, after they'd picked up all the cereal that wasn't smashed into the carpet, one of the mothers said that they had a gift for me that they wanted me to open in front of the kids.

It was a quilt they had made me!

They were so excited to show me the individual blocks they had made.  I will treasure it and I so appreciate the coordination and sewing talent that went into it from the mothers!

I cried a little.

(Only a little because I didn't want to freak them out.)

So they don't listen all that well, but I love those kids.  They freely give their affection to the woman who makes them sit still, do phonics and put their name on their paper.

I'm glad they're mine.

Grateful

 This is it for the week.  Chemo time is back.

I have lots to be grateful for.  From the little (the custodian who finally vacuumed my classroom--it really needed it) to the large (the conversation my mom and I had about how the gospel gives us strength and perspective to keep afloat in our trials).

I am grateful that our travel plans are coming together for later and that my sub plans are coming together for this week.  Love when plans are in place.  They are my security blanket.

Speaking of security blankets, I'm grateful that we have some storms coming up.  This winter has been amazingly warm and dry and snow on the mountain is my security blanket and I will be grateful if we get some more.

I'm grateful for my friend Kim that I walk with intermittently.  She is very patient with my sporadic schedule.  She is endlessly kind and makes me want to be better.  Our conversation almost always goes deep.  Walking with her enriches my life.

I'm grateful for my sweet school.  Although the reading scores would likely be better, I wouldn't trade for a wealthy school.  I love my humble and earnest students.  A mother let me know that since she didn't have a car right now, she couldn't bring her son's birthday treat because she had to walk to get it.  She would get it to us tomorrow.  I tried every way I knew (through my app that  interprets into Spanish) to convince her that she didn't actually need to send or bring a treat, it is just an option.  She loves her son and wants him to fit in, so she is doing everything she can.

That is inspiring to me and gives me encouragement to do everything I can for my students.

I am grateful for Adam.  He is wearing himself out with his high pressure job, being bishop and taking care of me.  I try to be as low maintenance as possible, but I kind of fail at that.  

He is unfailingly generous and he goes out of his way to serve me and our children.

It is also inspiring to me.

Coming clean

 "You never gave me that."

"I don't have that."

My students say these statements, and then I find whatever lost item it is (usually a phonics packet) in their desks.  Some of their desks are horribly messy.  I feel like I know what their bedrooms look like.

Yesterday a girl was shoving her desk basket into her desk for all she was worth and she couldn't get it inside.

That's when I knew it was time for a desk clean out.

After recess, they emptied their desks and filled the recycling and garbage. 

One girl had two math books.  She said, "I don't know why."

I also don't know why.  I put it aside for the next time someone doesn't have a math book.

One girl had more pencils in her desk than she could hold with one hand.

Tiny pieces of paper fluttered out of one girl's desk.

A boy pulled stuff out of his desk and about five paper airplanes cascaded to the floor.

Not all the kids are like that though.  A few of them had their desks cleaned in less than thirty seconds.  They were already clean, they just stacked everything from biggest to smallest and called me over for inspection.

We finally got everything clean and put back together.  We even got the floor picked up.

At the very end of the day, I let them have a prize if they have earned 5 stars--mostly earned from doing iReady lessons.  They go stand by their desks and I cross off the start and they go get a prize.  One boy had five stars, but they were red and all my stars are pink.  I said, "Who gave you these stars?  It wasn't me."

He said, "But I have five stars."

I said, "I didn't give them to you.  Did you give them to yourself?"

He (unconvincingly) said no.  I said, "If you can show me on your computer that you have finished five lessons, I'll let you get a prize." He walked over to the other side of the room and neither of us said anything more about it.

(Although his mother is coming in for a belated parent teacher conference and it might just get...mentioned.)

But everyone needs a fresh start and now we have one.

Weekend

 Friday was a teacher work day.  I mostly kept my head down, working in my classroom.  I got my sub plans sorted and planned lessons and even dusted the shelves.  (Doesn't happen very often!)

I got an email from another teacher that Holiday (gas station/convenience store) was giving a free drink to teachers.

I went into Miriam's room and asked her if she wanted to go on a field trip.  (I would have asked Alissa too, but she was home with a headache.)

So we got our sodas and then went back to work.  The school felt like a ghost town.  So quiet.  I appreciate the quiet days to get stuff done, especially when we are all exhausted, but I like a school better when it is full of children.

Friday night we went to dinner with Dave and Nola.  First we tried to decide where.  Trying to decide where to go to dinner is the ultimate first world problem, but sometimes it can be a real conundrum.  We settled on JCWs and had a nice time.

Saturday was a typical chore day + I still was feeling the effects of my cold.  It's been hard to shake.  That evening, in an attempt to cram in all the social life before I have chemo again, we did some matchmaking and went to dinner with two friends, setting them up on a blind date.  

I don't think I'll quit my day job and become Yenta the matchmaker.

It was stressful!  On the drive to the restaurant, Adam and I discussed topics to avoid and topics to bring up if things got slow.  They are our friends and we mostly enjoyed the evening, but it felt a little stressful the whole time.

I'm not sure if anything will come of it, but we tried.

I led the singing in primary on Sunday!  That always feels like an accomplishment.  

When I stood up to lead, one of the teachers, an older man who remembers when my grandpa was his bishop in Cedar Fort (so in the 1940s) said, "But what we would like to know is, how are you doing?"

I said I was fine.

He said, "Well, we're grateful for that."

When they found out I had cancer, my ward wanted to do something, anything, to help.  I think they were ready to bring me dinner every night for the foreseeable future.  We compromised that someone brings dinner every time I have treatment.  A woman name Starr is bringing me dinner this week.  She sat down next to me at church and asked me all about Mark's celiac.  She said she had been researching it.  She said, "Celiac is a pain!"  I agreed that it was.  I assured her that she could bring whatever and she didn't need to worry about it being gluten free.  She said, "No, I want to make it gluten free.  I'm learning a lot!"

It is just the kindest thing.  I am so grateful for all of the many big and small gestures people make for me.

We also had our own little Super Bowl party.  I could care less about the Super Bowl, unless the Seahawks are in it.  I am a fan by marriage.

Also, I'm less invested in the game and more there for the themed party.  We bought green and blue candy and blueberries and kiwi fruit and green vegetables and blue tortilla chips.

I'm taking all the leftover candy to my classroom for rewards.

Emma made the really good corn dip that is Whitney's recipe and at half time we added the Davis family football staple of lil' smokies along with some Chinese BBQ pork.  It was fun to feel connected with the Davises while we cheered the team on to victory.

I had a dream last night that I was a student teacher and I left my class and I was going somewhere with Mark and Adam.  It was taking a lot longer than expected and I was trying to text my mentor teacher, but I couldn't remember her name.  I was just panicking.

I woke up and tried to remember my mentor teacher's name so I would never get in that circumstance again.

Then it dawned on me that I don't have a mentor teacher.

I don't know what the dream means.  I am stressed about leaving my class this week?  I need a mentor?

Whatever it is, I'm off to school this morning and I am going to stay there the whole time and not just randomly leave with Mark and Adam.

Grateful Thursday

 I know I'll be too tired to post anything tomorrow.  I have got to conserve the crumbs of energy I have....

This has been a rough week.

1. fighting a head cold
2. migraine
3. parent teacher conferences
4. eye infection flare up 
5. oh, yeah...and cancer

I talked to Adam on my way home from my 12 hour day on Tuesday.  My voice was pretty much gone and I felt so very awful.  He heard me croak hello and he said, "Uh oh."

My voice rebounded and I am grateful.

Adam was gone and I'm very grateful for Mark.  That kid lifts me up.

(I'm grateful Adam came home last night.)

I'm grateful for my people at school.   Yesterday we had a faculty meeting after school.  Before we started there was heated discussion about the proper way to eat cereal and Jeff was indignant because a 5th grade class said his bald head was as barren as a desert when they were practicing similes.

We had a guest for the faculty meeting, which no one really realized until Matt introduced her.  (Then we felt sheepish about our nonsense.)  She said, "I go to a lot of schools and this is the most lighthearted school I have ever been to."

I guess lighthearted is one way to describe these people are so tired they are getting a little hysterical.

I love those guys.

The most heart melting and gratitude inducing thing that happened this week was yesterday when we were jostling out the door to go to lunch, I accidentally collided with a student.  I said, "Oh, I'm sorry."

He said, "That's OK, Mrs. Davis.  I love you."

Tired, cranky, short tempered, watery eyed and walking around with a headache all week.  That sweet boy still loves me.

They're better than I deserve. 

Pushing through

 I'm still sick.  I'm taking medicine like it's my job.  I'm convinced there are two types of people in the world.  People who take medicine and people who don't.  I don't know anyone who is neutral about medicine.  

Last night I made a Citrus Pear chicken soup.  (Melanee told me about Citrus Pear and I'm grateful.  Frozen meals that you cook in the instant pot.)  I packed away some for my lunch today.  Chicken soup heals, right?

Today is a 12 hour school then parent teacher conference day.  It takes all my energy.  Last night Mark read the Book of Mormon to me before we went our separate ways.  He was reading in 2 Nephi 28

Yea, and there shall be many which shall say: Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die; and it shall be well with us.

Before I went upstairs to bed, Mark kissed my forehead and said, "Go rest.  Drink a lot.  Rest, drink and be merry so tomorrow you won't die."

Sound advice.

 

When you're up your up; when you're down you're down

 Friday I went to school feeling fine.

About mid morning, I got super dizzy.  The dizziest I've ever felt.  Every time I stood up, I sort of staggered to stay upright.  It was awful.

Adam came and got me and I had someone take my class for the afternoon.  I sat in my chair at home, totally incapacitated.  Then, eventually, gradually, it lifted.  By evening, I was feeling all the way better.

I have no explanation.

Saturday, once again, I was fine. 

Sunday morning, I woke up feeling awful.  Stuffy head, sore throat, fatigue.

I have been too cavalier.  I don't want to wear a mask and I don't want to be uptight about germs.  But here we are.

I laid low on Sunday.  I have a big week ahead with parent teacher conferences.  And Adam's out of town.  

I started to feel sorry for myself.  Why can't my body just cooperate and do what I want to do?!?

I had planned--at long last--to get together to do family history with Marie Louise.  I had been collecting stuff for months and I had things to share with her.  I texted her, with my apologies to cancel.  She texted back that she loved me and that I had lots of people in my corner, praying for me.

I texted the primary presidency, even though it wasn't my turn to lead the music, to let them know I wouldn't be there.  They texted back messages of love.  They wondered if they could do anything.

My stellar ministering sisters texted that they hadn't seen me in church and hoped I was OK.

So even when I'm down, I'm not out.  I am buoyed by the wonderful women who give me love and support.  I'm buoyed by my family and their prayers.

It all made me feel like everything is going to be OK.

Mark also makes me feel like everything is going to be OK.  Adam flew to Nashville last night.  Mark drove him to the airport and Adam almost missed his flight because 1) he always cuts it close and 2) there was a 9 car accident on the freeway.  Adam called me from the plane.  He said he was grateful Mark got him through it.

I said, "Mark's good in a crisis."

And it's true.  He is steady and easy company.  I'm grateful he's here.

I don't really feel better today, but I don't really feel worse either.  School is a lot this week, so I'm grateful for all the you're not alone, we're thinking of you, I'm praying for you reminders I got this weekend.

Grateful Friday

 Earlier this week I was feeling discouraged.  

I felt weighed down by concern for people I love.  It is a helpless feeling when loved ones suffer.

I felt weighed down by the interminable cycle of: chemo, feeling awful; recovery, feeling tired; feeling better; scrambling to catch up and get ahead before chemo starts again.  It's physically and mentally exhausting.

I felt powerless to change any of it.  I didn't even know what to pray for.  It is what it is.

I did pray for help though.

The next day, sweet Hannah sent me an encouraging text, telling me she loved me and is praying for me.  Later in the day, Marie Louise sent me an encouraging text.

They were valuable reminders that I'm not alone.  Things are hard, but I can do it.  Even if it's one day at a time, I can do it.

I am grateful for those reminders.

Agents of chaos

 My class knows how to bring the chaos, especially some of them.  Pro level.

I can only imagine the state of some of their bedrooms.  A few of them have a pile of detritus under their desks every day.  They get a bandaid and just let the wrapper fall to the floor.  (I tell them to pick it up.  I try to say it nicely, but it's possible I have a tone after it happens a few times.)

They lose pencils seemingly mid assignment.

There are about 5 jackets that no one claims as their own.  They just languish on the hooks and someday I'll just give up and give them to lost and found and they'll make their way to Goodwill which is the eventual destination of lost items.

The computer situation has been better since the sticker system, but a student lost his computer and we looked everywhere and it was in another student's desk.  He had put it there the day before.

But why?!?!?

Yesterday kind of took the cake in the chaos masters' repertoire though.  During literacy, two of them lost a tooth.  Two. In a span of about ten minutes.

Of course they had to show everyone the tooth they lost and then open their mouths wide and show the bloody spot left behind and everyone clamored around for the exciting event.  I told everyone to go sit down over and over until they finally recovered.

I never know what's going to distract them. 

I just know that something is going to distract them.

Top ten

We enjoyed our trip!  Here is a top ten list of trip highlights:

1-Seeing Amy in the airport and giving her a hug before she flew back to Utah.  She passed the baton to us and I love that we share that sweet family with another family we like so much.

2-Hearing QE squeal excitedly and run to the door when we knocked.

3-Holding the Young Prince.  He is so tiny (even though he isn't that tiny).  He is very chilled out and calm.  He cracked us up by opening his eyes occasionally and giving us a side eye.  His resting face seems to be one of suspicion and we're here for it.  He is adorable and we love him!

4-Letting Braeden and Anna nap.  

5-Playing with QE.  It involved a lot of magna tiles, bows in my hair and blankets covering me (completely, even my face) when I was sick and she was the doctor.

4-Trying my best to remember princess stories and make up spooky stories because she loved to have stories told to her and those were her genre of choice.  (Spooky stories for a three year old are a little tricky, because they can't actually be spooky....)

5-Helping to fold the impossibly small laundry of YP.  But then Braeden brought me YP to hold, so forget the laundry.

6- Enjoying the vocabulary of QE.  We were talking about lunch and she said, "What else will we have?" I said maybe we could have some oranges and she said, "Yes, obviously we will have oranges."  At a recent well child visit, the doctor asked if she had started using complete sentences....

7-Reading to QE.

8-Spending time with Adam.  He is my favorite travel companion and I love being grandparents together.

9-Introducing QE to her first milkshake.  She kept saying, "This is delicious!"

10-Witnessing the parenting of Braeden and Anna and the good life they have created.  Braeden married well.  (So did Anna.). I love those two--those four!

Grateful Friday

 I think spending the day with my team was just what the doctor ordered.  I love those ladies.

I hadn't slept well (because that is a fun side effect of a terrible day), but they kept me going through a long day of sitting still.  (I heard many teachers say some version of, "It is so hard to sit all day!")

We met at a closed elementary school and during a bathroom break in the pint sized elementary bathroom, I had to take a picture of my tall teammates drying their hands.  So funny!

 

For an object lesson we had to sketch a picture of a cat.  They were amazed by my cat.  (It wasn't that great, I just spent a certain part of my childhood drawing.) Later, when we went to lunch, I drove and I needed Miriam to navigate every turn and tell me which lane to be in.  We were in the actual town that I live, but I needed guidance.

I said, "I am terrible with directions, but I guess I can draw a cat."

Because that's a useful skill I will use every day....

We wrote each other notes on sticky notes and got parent teacher conferences scheduled (with a lot of mutual hand holding--Skyward isn't a friend of ours).  We compared notes on how things were going and I can't imagine teaching third grade without them.  I am very grateful for my dream team.

It's this day, not me, that's bound to go away

 Yesterday was an astonishingly hard day at school.

I cried after school and Miriam hugged me.

I pulled it together and got to work, then I cried the entire drive home two and a half hours later and Adam hugged me.

I'll be OK.

It was just astonishingly hard.  It is really hard to teach school when you don't feel all that great.  It is even harder when you are sort of discombobulated from being gone so much.  It is harder still when your students are extra sassy or trying to get away with things because you've been gone so much.

I know that I could rein them in given a day or two,  but I'm gone today to district training and then I'm gone Monday to CA.  (I'm excited about that one, but it is still hard.)

I had three students who were disrespectful in their reading group with one of the young fresh faced aides.  A boy got his Tamagotchi taken away (I had already told him I would take it away if I saw it out again).

Side note:  are Tamagotchis still a thing?!?  Is this the early 2000s?

He was very concerned about it being taken away and kept asking me about it.  I reiterated that I had told him it would get taken away if he had it out.

He kept asking if I would find out about it.  He wondered if he could go to the office to check if it were there.

I told him his Tamagotchi was not my problem.  At all.

I found a love letter from one student to another.  I approached the sender very gently and called her over privately and said, "I found this."

She very indignantly told me that it was for (the admired boy).  As in, stay in your lane, you weren't the intended audience.

I said, "This isn't OK in third grade."  (It was requesting kissing....)

She looked at me like I owed her money.

I said, "If I find a note like this again, I'll tell your parents."

She said, "Fine!" and went and put her head down on her desk in embarrassment.

In reading we read "Amazing Facts About the Sun." Some of the "amazing facts" were actually advice:  don't spend too much time unprotected in the sun--sun damage can cause skin cancer.  

Then everyone wanted to know if my cancer was caused by the sun.

Try explaining lymph nodes to third graders.....

A girl went to her desk and got a little tube of lotion and smeared it all over her face before I could stop her.  She said, "I don't want skin cancer!"

Before lunch, I said we weren't going to lunch until everyone had finished the assignment.  One girl had yet to start.  She said, "You can't do that.  It's against the law."

I said, "Nevertheless, we aren't going until you are finished."

Another girl timidly asked, "We all aren't going to lunch?"

I said, "No. Not until everyone is finished."

Then everyone collectively was a bit more invested.

The whole day was just exhausting.  

I made it through the day, through the chaos.  After the bell had rung and my class had left, a fifth grade boy knocked on the outside door.

He hugged me (which is what he did daily when he was in third grade).  He looked at me closely.  He said, "My mom said you might be sick."

I said, "Yes.  I have been getting treatments, but I am doing OK."

He said, "Is it an...illness?"

I said, "I have a type of cancer, but I'm OK.  I'm getting better."

He looked at me like he wanted to say more, but didn't know what to say.  I said, "Everything is OK."

He said, "OK."  He gave me another hug.

That's when I closed the door and cried.  (Usually when someone is kind to me, that is when the dam bursts.)

They can be so very maddening and they are.  They can take advantage of subs and young fresh faced aides.  They can do all the things I tell them not to do over and over and over.

But really, they are just the sweetest kids.  I love my job. This is hard, but as Tabor would say, "I hired on to be tough."

I will have my cry, dry my tears and try try again.

Yesterday

 I spent some time on school stuff.  I was making some google slides and I called Adam in to tell me what I was doing wrong.  Story of my life.  He fixed me up though.

I thought, I feel pretty good.  Maybe I don't need to take Tuesday after chemo off after all.

I went to the basement to put a few things in the washing machine and walking back up two flights of stairs almost did me in.  I was completely winded and tired for like two hours after that. (Last week I wouldn't have noticed the climb.)

Maybe I do need to take Tuesday after chemo off after all.

Adam drove me to my appointment to get IV fluids.  He said, "I'm sorry I'm so distracted with work stuff."

I said, "I don't know how well you do your job.  I don't know how well you are doing as a bishop, not really.  I do know how well you're doing as a husband, so stop apologizing."

The man has nothing to apologize for.  He is stretched thinner than he has ever been and from where I sit, he is doing great.

Emma and Mark cajoled and begged their brother for baby pictures.  He obliged and that little one has our hearts.  Braeden also said when YP cries, QE says, "Don't worry, baby.  I'm here."

Adam had a meeting, so Mark and I met up for lunch at JCWs after my IV.  Once the nausea wears off, beef is really what my body wants.  We talked about the scriptures and his video game and the book I'm reading and his classes and some work stuff for me.  Just a basic lunch on a Tuesday with your young adult son.  

The other night, Adam and I were talking about how surreal it still feels that I have cancer.  It feels like someone else's life, but here we are.  

At the same time, it isn't a terrible life.  We are pulling together and doing the things.

In and out

 I have most certainly been in the past several days.  In the house, in my chair, in my slippers--I seriously love my slippers.  They are wool Allbirds and I could do a commercial.

I digress.

Adam is a believer in getting out.  When someone isn't feeling well around here, I suggest they drink more water.  Adam suggests they get out.

We went on a drive yesterday  We went through the car wash and the smell made me a little nauseous.  Adam offered to crack the window.

Ha ha.

He went to Walmart and I sat in the car in the sunshine and called my parents.  It was kind of nice to get out.

Then I was in.  I read, I worked on Family History (I'm completely stuck and the family I am working on has the surname Stuck so maybe I should move to a different family) and I did a little cross-stitch.  I wish I could more evenly distribute my busy days and my sitting around feeling sick days.  It is hard to feel too sick to want to do anything very productive for days on end.

In the late afternoon, I was snoozing in my chair and Adam said, "When you're a little more awake, let's go out."

We recruited Mark to go with us and we went for a drive in Vineyard, just looking at neighborhoods and listening to the music Mark played.  Going for a drive to look at neighborhoods is a foreign thing to me, but it's natural to Adam.  His curiosity has no bounds.

I was telling Mark that when he gets married, I'll have Miriam and Nate cater his wedding with their amazing BBQ and then Mark started talking about the wedding venue his friends had their wedding at so then Adam said, "Let's go there for ice cream."

There was no way they had ice cream there and I told Adam that.

He said, "Hey, I know stuff.  There is ice cream there."

He does know stuff.  They have an ice cream shop there, but it was closed for the season.  So we went back home, but I think that getting out did help me.  I was feeling less sick.  After dinner we played Monopoly Deal, then Adam and I watched Maigret, which is a new Masterpiece Mystery we are enjoying.

I am glad to still be home today.  The stairs still exhaust me.  Walking up the stairs is kind of my test to see how my energy is faring.  I am going to go in to the doctor to get some IV today.  I will be getting out.

Exactly what Adam would recommend.

Weekend

 Hello from chemo town.

Emma went with me on Thursday.  We mapped out plans for a trip in June.  We played Skip Bo.  We did some NYTimes crossword puzzles.  (I told her that her dad was always responsible for the clues about sports so that was her responsibility...she didn't do very well with that, but she knew a lot of other stuff.)

Felicia, in our ward, brought over a very simple and soothing dinner of Costco rotisserie chicken, roasted potatoes, green beans and fruit.  People really know what they're doing.  It was all just perfect.  I really appreciate the kind people who bring me dinner on chemo day.

Adam got home that night--I was already asleep, but I woke up and we talked and he rubbed my back.

Friday we went back for more chemo.  Adam went to Maverik for the requisite drinks to combat the intense Benadryl.  After he returned, I was trying to get him up to speed on the travel plans and Emma would interrupt and correct me and I would say, "That is what I said," when it really wasn't.

I was super discombobulated and kept repeating what she said in an effort to be correct. She said,"Chemo makes you gaslight me."

By then I had no idea what any of the dates were and I said, "I have a lot of Benadryl in me!"

The nurse was there switching something out and laughing about our conversation.  She probably hears versions of it a lot.

Friday is always a shorter day.  We packed up and went to Kneaders and I had soup and bread.  It hit right.  I am learning what to eat and not to eat. 

In the afternoon, I was super sleepy but couldn't sleep.  It was kind of miserable because I was too tired for even reading.  It's like my body had powered down and I just needed to wait it out.  I finally took an hour long nap, which revived me a bit.

An exciting development that was the backdrop of our weekend, was that Anna went into labor!  I wanted more than anything to be there, but alas.

We checked updates all day long.

Emma said, "You know how there are four star generals?  I'm going to be a two star aunt."  So I guess that makes me a two star Nana.  I'll take it.

On my blog, his sister is QE, as in the Queen of Everything.  He will be the Young Prince.  YP.  We loved him before he was born.

We are taking a quick trip to visit next weekend.  I'll miss one day of school.  I miss SO much school.  I wish I could go for longer, but this will have to suffice until spring break when we will likely go again.

Anna's mom, Amy, flew there to be with them.  She was reading a book to QE when Braeden texted the news.  Amy read QE the text, QE squealed happily and then said, "Keep reading."

Girl loves books.  

She will also be a good big sister.  She is very astute and helpful and I can see her staring down any future bullies with success.  As the happy recipient of a fabulous big sister myself, I can see all the signs of greatness.

We drank up every picture and video we got from the little family, halting every conversation if a text came in.  Going there on Saturday isn't a day too soon. 

They sent a video of QE meeting YP for the first time.  She hesitantly walked into the hospital room, holding tight to Braeden's hand.  She was mostly interested in seeing Anna and showing her the picture she had drawn.  Then, Braeden sat down close by, holding YP.  QE looked over at him and simply said, "Hi." 

Siblings are one of the biggest constants in your life.  Those two will mean the world to each other.  I love that I got to see that first, "hi."  

I had kind of a drab day on Sunday.  I felt sick--nauseous and exhausted.  I decided that one thing I felt like eating was a grilled ham and cheese sandwich so Adam pivoted away from what he was going to make and made me that instead.

He's good to me!

Emma came over and we ate and played one round of Skip Bo.  Someone asked if we wanted to play again and Adam said, "Your mom looks tired."

I was. 

I slept for almost twelve hours last night.  It is just remarkable to me that I can do that!  Today I have big plans.

Watch the plants grow (it isn't as riveting as it sounds...).

I also have a good book to read.

Grateful Wednesday

 Another chemo week so this is it for the week.

I thought gratitude would be worthwhile.

Yesterday I went into the office to ask if we could order more cap erasers that go onto the end of pencils instead of the bar erasers that the supply drawer is overflowing with.

When I walked into the office, there were about 5-6 teachers and Matt and a secretary there and they were measuring the distance between their outstretched fingers.  I said, "This looks like a scintillating discussion I'm walking in on...."

Matt had Oakley hold up her two fingers, like she was making a peace sign.

I said, "Whoa."

He said, "See?!?"

She has flexible fingers!

I said, "Well can I shift this conversation from fingers to erasers?"

They said sure and then Matt had Camie order what I wanted from Amazon.

I am always grateful I work at that school with those people.

Speaking of school, I'm grateful as ever for Beverly Cleary.  I read my class in Beezus and Ramona about Ramona taking bites out of all the apples and they gasped.  Then I read about Ramona inviting her friends over for a party without telling her parents.  They were horrified.  "My mom would KILL me!"

I love reading quality books to them.

I am grateful that Emma is doing chemo with me.  Adam will still be in Nashville on Thursday and I'm grateful that my support team is layered.  If I didn't have Emma, Mark has class I don't want him to miss, but I can honestly think of at least five other people close by that I could ask to go with me.

Adam and Emma will both be there on Friday.  I don't love it, but I'm doing it and I'm grateful for that.

I'm grateful that my teammates and I are having a data day this morning.   Another day of sub plans to add to the mix was a drudgery, but I am always grateful to hang out with my team and I love that we are like minded and have the same goals and don't waste time when we meet.

(Unless one of us gets distracted and then Alissa says "squirrel!" and we get back on task.)

I am grateful Mark is around, especially when Adam is away.  It's nice to have someone to eat dinner with.

I am grateful for physical therapy, because it is helping my neck and I'm grateful that I could pull up Pride and Prejudice on my phone to read while I sat there with the heat and electrode things on my neck.  I am listening to a book and reading another book, but I just started Pride and Prejudice because why ever not?

The fact that Pride and Prejudice is just there in the world whenever you need it is something to be grateful for.