Grateful Friday

 My team and I had matching end of year t-shirts:

When I saw this picture I thought, "I'm a little teapot, short and stout."  I'm destined to be the short one in any group it seems.  Also my teammates have normal smiles and I'm just ecstatic apparently....

When I got home yesterday I texted Kim that I wasn't up for a walk.  I said, "I feel like I already took three walks."  I was SO tired.  

There was all kinds of bedlam.  I realized that Mark as a third grader was exactly like most of those boys.  I only had one of him--or two when Gavin was over.  A bakers dozen of Marks is a lot.  When we have unstructured time, things get crazy.  They love making paper airplanes so I put some origami videos on Google Classroom so they could pause the video as needed.  They made and flew so many paper airplanes!  One landed on top of the whiteboard and I said, "I'll get it," and started walking across the room.  One boy started hoisting another boy to reach it and I said, "I'll get it." The boy stood on a shelf and snapped the not all that strong shelf in two.  

A bakers dozen of Marks at age 9....

We cleaned out desks, including for the ones who weren't at school.  You never saw so much chaos.  We got it all accomplished.  I squirted shaving cream on their desks when they were done and they had a good time playing with it and then cleaning it all up.  

I made sure everyone took everything home with them.  By the end of the day I was exhausted!

And I still had miles to go.  

Mark came and brought me a soda from Maverik.  I met him in the office and I told all the ladies, "Sons are worth a lot."  They concurred, even the ones who don't have sons.

Mark and I consolidated everything and took stuff to the gym for surplus and sorted out what I was taking home for the summer and what was staying at school.  Then we covered everything (floor to ceiling in places) with plastic drop cloths.  I have fabric over some of my bulletin boards and I don't want dust from 1977 on my fabric coverings.  

I told Mark I had I-have-a-grown-son-helping-me survival guilt so we went to go help the 4th grade teachers who were working in their teammate's classroom while she is home on maternity leave.  Then I gave the rest of my drop cloths to my team and offered them help, but they said they were in good shape.

I got home and unloaded everything.

Then I. Sat. Down.

I am grateful for my sweet students.  Several of them brought me gifts and the homemade ones are the best.

I am grateful for my team.  Miriam brought pulled pork and homemade rolls for lunch.  Alissa gave me the shaving cream and ideas every time I asked her this last week. (She had the idea for origami and it was a winner!)

I am grateful for the helping spirit among teachers, because they are a pitch in and help group, always.

I am grateful Adam is home!

I am grateful for Mark.

Sons are worth a lot.

Field Day

 (I love living in the shadows of a mountain range and I always will.)

Yesterday was field day and it was pretty good.  There were the struggles of herding children from station to station, but I told them I would carry neither water bottles nor jackets and for the first time ever, no one lost anything.  Pretty amazing.

Most of them had a good time.  The aides and specialty teachers run the stations and do a great job.  Besides field day we did some math and I read to them--I am in the second to last chapter of our Humphrey book.  

The teachers beat the 6th graders in the kickball game and the PTA sold candy to the students and I think they made good money!  Most of the younger kids sit in the grass and eat candy and ignore the game.  Alissa and Miriam both played kickball so I was minding the third grade.  A boy in Miriam's class couldn't find his money.  He 100% knew that he had brought it outside.  I offered Takis for anyone who could find it and they fanned out around the grass, scouring the place.  

One of Alissa's students came up to me and said, "I'll share my money with him if he can't find his."  They really are the sweetest sometimes.

Finally the boy said, "Maybe I left it in the classroom..." So a group was sent on a quest back to the classroom.  Sure enough it was there.

I opened soda cans for kids who bought soda, but couldn't open it.

One of my students came up to me with a wad of chewed up caramel.  He showed me that one of his teeth was stuck inside.  I said, "Wow," because I had no other way to respond.  He dug the tooth out and held it out for me and I really didn't want it.  I said, "Do you have a bag the candy came in?"

He fished a ziplock bag out of his pocket and said, "It might have a hole in it."  Then he stuck his finger in a hole and said, "Yep."

I said, "Well put it all in your pocket."  He put the holey bag and tooth in his pocket and popped the caramel back in his mouth.

Besides that, I told everyone who asked if they could use the bathroom to go in the PE door because it was open.

Today we will do all the end of year things for real--I will show them the slide show, give them their awards, clean out desks, send everything home.  Friday is an hour and a half long and a lot of kids don't come.  I don't know why we go through that charade, but we do.

Also today (late), Adam is coming home.  That guy is having about 5-6 weeks of traveling off and on.  Happily I will be along for some of it.

I think I can, I think I can

 Yesterday we had Camp Day.  Miriam and Alissa moved their desks and set up tents in their classrooms.  My part of Camp Day is an art project and they need desks, plus I don't want to mess with tents. 

(I like not camping.)

My same student who groused about not liking the treat from testing, was unhappy we didn't have tents (even though we were rotating classes and he would get to be in tents).  I called him over to my desk and told him that him complaining made me want to do less for him.

He stopped complaining.  

I read them The Berenstain Bears book The Bear Scouts.  They love it just like I loved it when I was their age.  That silly Papa Bear....

Then we did our art project.   It all went well and I did it three times and didn't run out of any of the art supplies so high fives all around.

We worked on their memory books in the afternoon and I spelled a million words for them.  One student was just having me spell everything.  She even asked how to spell OK.

I said, "I bet you can figure that one out."

She looked mystified and then it occurred to her.

They got to sign autographs with other third graders so everyone was running around getting signatures like they weren't going to lose the memory book 15 minutes after they got home.

During recess, I noticed the 6th grade boys playing kickball with all the intensity of 6th grade boys who are going against the teachers the next day.  I said, "Are you guys practicing for tomorrow?"

One of my former students said, "Yes, and Coach Childs thinks we have a 50-50 chance."

I didn't tell him, but they don't have a 50-50 chance.  The teachers are not in a mood to show mercy to 6th graders at the end of the school year.

I will do my typical duties of holding all the teachers' keys and cell phones and minding all the children.  In addition to liking not to camp, I like to not play kickball.

Mark came after school and helped me get my room whipped into shape.  He'll come back Thursday to help me cover everything since we are getting new ceiling tiles and the other ones have been there since 1977.  They are expecting a lot of dust and we need to plan accordingly.

The last week of school

Yesterday my team and I were talking before school.  We all agreed that this is not our favorite week.  We are less teachers and more camp counselors.  Basically we are just trying to keep things going.  For science we talked about pushes and pulls and force and I had those little frogs you push down on and they jump.  I made a bracket and we had a competition.  A little bit educational.

My hardest student was gone.  It was an amazing day.  Remarkable.  I kept wondering where half the class was.  

He was the only one absent.

Never let anyone tell you one person can't make a difference!

In order to balance the aggravation scales, I didn't have that extra measure of energy sapping, but I have lost our mail key!

It is so frustrating.  Losing things is the worst.  We have a locked mailbox down the street and I always keep the mail key in a little compartment in my car.  For reasons beyond my understanding, we don't have a spare.  But in nearly 12 years of living here, I've never once lost the mail key.

I have looked everywhere. Multiple times.  I have looked all over my car and in my bag and every coat pocket.  Everywhere.  The best I can determine, maybe I accidentally threw it in the recycling bin when I was recycling junk mail.  (Although I always leave it in the car, so I don't know why I wouldn't have done that.  Except I didn't.)

I need to go to the post office in person, which feels like adding insult to injury.  They will likely have to drill it out and issue a new key and it will take "7 to 14 days" and I just want to hit my head against the wall.

Ugh.

At least my hardest student was absent.

Also, we had our animal showcase.  Each student had an art project about their animal and they had written a paragraph about the animal they had researched.  They did a great job.  Their parents came to see the projects.  The students were super nervous, which I didn't really understand.  Then I realized some of them were nervous their parents wouldn't come.  And several of the parents didn't come.

The parents who did come went around and looked at other students' work which was so kind.  One of the mothers in particular was so friendly and made even the most reticent students come alive and talk about their projects.  It made me happy.

There are a lot of ways in this world to be a hero.

Weekend

I left school in a ratty mood on Friday.  I had created a wrapped box for my students with seven ribbons tied around it.  Every time we finished a test, we cut a ribbon.  They were excited to know what was inside.  Several of them asked me if I knew what was inside.

Do they know how the world works?  I wrapped it....

We cut the last ribbon and their prize was that they could either choose Takis or Twinkies (for the white kids for whom the Takis are too spicy).  Most of them were thrilled.  A few of the boys complained that they had been "scammed" and "gypped."  I don't know what they were thinking would be inside the shoebox sized box.  A new car for everyone?

It bugged me though.  I don't have to give them anything, and I told them that.  I said, "Buying you treats is not part of my job and you don't have to have one if you don't want one."

They looked chagrined and took a package of Takis.  Some of the girls, who are more socially aware, thanked me in an exaggerated fashion, then gave those boys a side eye.

Their behavior was pretty wild too. We practiced for our animal showcase.  The parents are coming today to see their projects and we had them show their projects to the other third grade classes.  It was chaotic.  The past few years I have done the same fun activities the last week of school.  This year I also have a stack of worksheets because this group can't really handle much unstructured time.  If they lose it, we'll just do worksheets.

I had gone to school early several times in the week so that I could leave early Friday.  I went home and we finished packing up and hit the road for Starr Valley.  I think by the time we hit the dirt road, my shoulders had fully relaxed.  Adam emptied the mouse trap (I am grateful for him!) and Mark immediately started vacuuming flies although there weren't too many.  I wiped off the counter and put stuff away and took the dust-covers off the furniture.  Soon enough we were in good shape.  We went over to visit my dad.  He shaved his mustache to work at the temple and he looks more like his brothers without it.  We enjoyed visiting him and I missed my mom.

Saturday morning Hannah and I took a walk.  (I would have tried to have Olivia join us, but she was at a track meet.)  While I was tying my shoes, Hannah said, "Look at those tiny petite shoes!  You are so little!"

Only one of my Dahl cousins would think that my size 9 shoes are tiny and petite.

We started walking and talking and soon enough we were both crying.  We talked about grief and life and things we have learned in the past year.  Losing her daughter, Norah, last October has changed Hannah.  She was always my beautiful and stellar cousin.  Now she is more wise and compassionate and has been refined into someone else.  I will think about some of the things she told me she's learning for a long time.  When we got back to our house, we sat down inside and visited.  She wanted to share something on her phone but didn't have her reading glasses.  I gave her mine, but they are progressive lenses and it made it worse.  I went and got Adam's glasses off his nightstand and they worked.

I still marvel that we used to play in the orchard and sit on Olivia's bed (Olivia, Britta, Hannah and me) and draw page after page of girls in fancy dresses.  

Now we need reading glasses.

I used my Tineco mop (with the replaced part so it no longer leaks) and cleaned the floors.  It is an amazing machine and I couldn't be more happy about it!  Adam and Mark worked outside.  My dad came over for lunch.  He drove his excavator over.  I asked him what he was doing and he said, "I thought you might want to drive it."

Ha ha.

He had brought it over for a project though and wanted to leave it there, so we gave him a ride home.  First, after eating and visiting a bit, we went to the cemetery.  We saw my mom's grave and Norah's, then my grandma and grandpa's grave as well as my cousin Amanda.

Here my dad was telling us some story and Mark snapped a picture.  That sky!

When we were dropping my dad off, I decided I wanted to go and talk to him more.  I did and had a good talk and a good cry.  I told him that it is a good thing I don't have an eye condition that is worsened by crying....

I am grateful to have my dad.  He is wise and gentle and a good listener.

He took me back home and I was emotionally spent, but better after all the crying.  I think I've been on autopilot a lot, just getting through the days.  It's good to have a cleansing cry every once in a while and confront whatever is beneath the surface.

A piece of Adam's sprinkler system broke off inside another piece and he thought he was going to have to go to town and buy a new part.  We took it over to my dad and of course my dad could fix it.  

We had dinner and then I looked around longingly at the little house and declared I didn't want to leave.  It is the same every time.  

Sunday we woke up to falling snow.  I took a picture out the kitchen window.

Adam braved the elements and took a picture outside from the exact view as his sunset picture from 12 hours earlier.

In this chaotic weather year, we had a winter without nearly enough snow, it got warm, then cold and the blossoms froze, then it was blazing hot, everything's dry too soon and then snow on May 17.  

We went to church (I brought sandals).  I finally saw Olivia at church.  I asked her what she was doing during the second hour.  She said, "Sunday School?"  I said I thought maybe we could visit.  She said, "I guess we could have a presidency meeting."

Adam and Mark went to Sunday School.  After, Adam said, "Your dad asked where you were."

I said, "And you ratted me out?"

When I hugged my dad good-bye he asked me if we had everything decided in our presidency meeting.  I said, "Yes, it was very productive."

We headed back to Utah, stopping in Salt Lake to briefly visit Emma.  Mostly we were all cold and tired and happy to get home.

Grateful Friday

 I am grateful we are going to Starr Valley for the weekend.  I am looking forward to seeing my dad and Olivia's family.  I am looking forward to our little house.  I am hoping we still have some lilacs to take to my mom's grave.

I am grateful for my team.  Yesterday we mapped out the rest of the year.  When I said, "But what are you doing that afternoon?" because we are finishing up a lot of the regular curriculum, they gave me good ideas.

I am grateful for my students.  Those maddening chaotic students are very sweet.  I love when one of them sidles up to my desk first thing in the morning to tell me a tale.  Yesterday a boy told me about the only time he ever saw his dad cry when both of his dad's parents died on the same day.  He told me he hadn't ever met those grandparents because they live in Mexico.  He told me that his parents couldn't afford a plane ticket when they came to the United States so they walked.  He was two years old at the time.

I said, "So you had a big adventure even though you don't remember it."

He is such a dear boy.  When he isn't rolling on the floor or being a scoundrel in one way or another, he is telling me he loves me or earnestly trying to finish his work even though it is really hard for him.

I am grateful these children were my people this year.  It was for sure the hardest school year I've had.  I had some really difficult students and, you know, cancer, and my mom passing away.  It's been a lot.  But they were my people and I love them.

Eventually I will stop talking about end of year testing....

 Yesterday we had a leadership meeting after school.  Matt had us report on our celebrations surrounding test data.  Basically he wanted to hear from those who had either met or exceeded their goals.

I had nothing to add.

It is depressing.  We didn't reach our goal; we tried so hard!

In order to stop perseverating on the unmet goals, here are some other things to report on.

The preschool teacher gave all of us a personalized and homemade keychain.  So kind!

My hardest student (the one I talk about often) had the most growth of any boy in math.  He went from well below grade level to proficient at grade level and it feels like the biggest win in the world (until I start thinking about those goals again....).

Also, Emma sends me stuff like this:

me if I were a british person with an unsuccessful tea business in a rap battle against someone who refused to shop at my store and I wanted them to feel bad about it:

i'm losing pounds like i'm on a diet/i sell a cuppa but you never buy it

It's hard not to be happy when Emma is in my world.

Times are changing

 Mark helped me assemble end of year gifts for my students last night.  We are in the winding down scenes.  We are finishing up our last tests.  I am trying to declutter my classroom a bit.  We are feeling collective angst about some test scores and cheering each other on about the good ones.  (The disappointing ones hold more weight in our hearts.)

It has been unseasonably warm.  The weather all year has been sort of wacky.  

I haven't been sleeping well and I think it is a confluence of a lot of circumstances, but it is also a fact that my routine is changing and I am a toddler.  It throws me off when my routine changes.

Despite being thrown off, there are a lot of things to look forward to this summer.  I am excited about some trips and looking forward to spending time in Starr Valley.  I want to roast marshmallows for s'mores and watch the sunset and fireworks from our deck.

I want to eat berries.

The last field trip

 Yesterday we went to the Bean Museum at BYU.  I had a plan that I would be with my hardest student and I had the rest of the students divided between the parent volunteers.  One of the parents was sick and couldn't make it so I had the hardest student and her group.

It was hard.

Before we left, he told me he felt like throwing up.  A glimmer of hope!  Maybe my day wouldn't be as hard!  His mom was at work and he insisted he couldn't call her and he insisted he was feeling better.  I didn't really believe him, but I didn't know what else to do.

He rallied health wise, because keeping up with him was the challenge of the day.  I had a sweet boy who wanted to look at everything, another boy who just wandered off at every juncture, a climber and then that hardest boy who just ran around and touched everything he wasn't supposed to touch.  

It was exhausting.

We finally left the museum and went to a park for lunch and to let them play.  It was hot--near 90.  A lot of my students were spinning and spinning on the playground equipment and then they lay on the grass moaning because they were so dizzy.  We walked back to the school and the students were sort of wilting in the hotter day than they've been used to.  My hardest student pulled away from me the entire way back to the school.  I had an iron grip on his arm and he seriously would have fallen over if I'd let go because he was pulling so much against me.

Sometimes I wonder why he isn't ever absent, but then I realize that if I were his mother, he would never be absent.

I read to them with the lights dim when we got back to the school.  They got a lot of drinks and several of them told me they were going to throw up so I placed the garbage next to them.  No one threw up.  We survived the day.

We only have one more Monday.

Weekend

 We enjoyed having Braeden around for part of our weekend.  His friend Joe, also a student at UC Davis, came for the conference and stayed with us too, but we didn't see him until Saturday morning.  He came to our house after we were asleep and they left before we woke up Friday morning.  (They went to the temple before their conference started.)

Friday, we picked Braeden up at BYU and we went to dinner at Bumblebee (Joe was meeting up with friends).  My K Pop fries were spicier than normal or I am getting wimpier.  It could be either thing.

We came home and just visited and enjoyed each other.

Saturday morning, before anyone else was awake, Braeden and I took a walk.  It was a lovely morning and so nice to walk along and chat.  We drove to Salt Lake and met Emma at Casa del Tamal for lunch.  It has turned into one of our favorite places and now we are wondering if Edgar would like it because he is the gauge for us of how good Mexican food is. 

We didn't know Joe would be joining us for lunch so the reservation was for five instead of six.  They didn't have a six person table for us, but seated us outside.  People with sunglasses sat on one side of the table.  Adam accidentally bumped Mark's soda all over Emma.  It was a bit of a rocky start, but we got it together and had a good lunch.

After dropping Braeden and Joe off at the airport, we did our Saturday errands and then Adam and Mark and I took another walk around the cemetery.  It is just prime walking weather.

Saturday afternoon, the sacrament meeting program fell apart and Adam asked me to speak in church.  One of the...perks...of being married to the bishop.  

Sunday morning he said, "I hope that won't ruin your Mother's Day."

I said it reminded me of being a mother.  You are constantly thrown fast balls and curve balls and change ups.

He said, "Look at you, using baseball terminology."

My talk went OK.  I felt a little hollowed out all day, missing my mom.

We took a walk after dinner and in talking about graves to visit on Memorial Day, I told our kids that my dad had told me my grandma's Uncle Tom and Aunt Mary were buried in the Salt Lake cemetery.  I was telling them a story about them, but was fuzzy on the details.  I almost said, "I will ask my mom."

Then I remembered.

My dad called to wish me Happy Mother's Day.  I asked how he was and he said, "Fine."

I said, "You always say you're fine, but are you?"

He said, "I might as well be."

So my dad preached a sermon in one sentence and I'm going to try to be more like him.

Grateful Friday

 Yesterday was Marianne's birthday.  I'm grateful for her!  (And I'll be grateful when she is home so I can talk to her more.)

Braeden is here for a few days.  I'm grateful to have him around and hug him.  Braeden hugs are enthusiastic to the point of teeth rattling sometimes, but I am here for it.

We took a walk after dinner.  Just missing our three girls and the Young Prince.

And guess what?  We got an email that said we could sit in the massage chair even if we hadn't kissed the frog.  Miriam and Alissa and I hightailed it in there after school--and traffic duty, because it's our week.  We had to wait our turn so we dragged chairs into the hall and sat outside the room so no one would take our spot in line.  You would think with our commitment to getting massages we would have just taken the picture, but you would be wrong.

Miriam is 6'2" and Alissa is about 6' tall.  I'm the short one.

But I fit in the massage chair better, so there's that.  On airplanes and in massage chairs, it pays to not be too tall.

We enjoyed our 15 minute stint in the chairs, then we went and graded our math acadience tests and I felt all the tension return to my shoulders and neck.  

It didn't go well.  It is a timed test and during it I had about three students just looking around the room and looking at me.  

Ugh.

It's always like this in May

Yesterday we had a faculty meeting after school and Matt outlined all the things on the calendar between now and the end of the school year.

It felt like getting hit by tiny pellets.  Not painful, but the cumulative effect was real.  

Then he told us that since we're getting a new HVAC this summer at the school (yay!), we need to take home anything that can't withstand a lot of heat for the no AC summer.

He told us that since we're getting new ceiling tiles in all the rooms, we will have lots and lots of dust and we need to cover everything.

So that is all a bit overwhelming, but then I remembered Mark.  I told him I would hire him to come and help me and he said sure.

It is teacher appreciation week and I feel grateful for the efforts being made, but also I feel too tired to be bothered.  If we take a selfie of ourselves kissing a plastic frog, we can have 15 minutes in a massage chair.

Not worth it.  

Taking a selfie of kissing a frog doesn't sound like something I would do. (The third grade teachers all concur and Miriam, the eternal optimist, said, "Are we scrooges?")

Maybe.

Bah. Humbug.

Alissa said, "Can't they appreciate us without making us do dumb tasks?"

Just your average Tuesday in May

 Believe it or not, this is me trying to keep my desk clean.

It gets away from me every single day.

We did more testing in the morning.  One boy was pretty out of it and refused to work and I could tell he was sick.  He also refused to admit he was sick.  Sometimes it is clear that parents are at work and they are not allowed to call home.  It breaks my heart a little.

By 10:00, he was sitting there, quietly crying.  I took him to the nurse's room where he could lie down.  The lady in the office that speaks Spanish called his mom and she was indeed at work, but far away and couldn't be there for a while.  The sweet boy just sat there and wept.  I asked him if I could do anything for him.  He didn't want anything.  It got to be lunchtime and I tried to get him lunch, but he didn't want any.  I asked the office ladies to call his 5th grade brother down.  I thought he could maybe cheer up his brother.  This student is the third one in the family and I love them all completely.  I wish that I could follow their mother around and have her teach me her ways, because I have never met such sweet boys.  They have a kindergarten or maybe first grade little brother and I hope I get him in a few years because I want the entire set!

The 5th grader was the picture of sympathy like I knew he would be.  He spoke to his brother softly in Spanish.  I asked him to ask the brother if he wanted to come to my classroom and watch something on Disney+ on my computer while everyone else was at lunch.  He didn't.  Finally, he just bent over his brother and wrapped him in his arms and told him he loved him.

It was the sweetest thing I've seen in a very long time.

His mom eventually was able to make it and I hope the dear boy feels better soon!

A girl had sauntered in right when we were finishing testing.  I asked her why she was late.  (They know we're testing!)

She said, "Oh, my parents went to the temple and then we all went to McDonald's."

O-kaaaaaaaay. 

A girl dropped her completely full water bottle on the carpet and I handed her a paper towel from the classroom roll which is the least absorbent material probably on earth.  Happily we live in a desert and while the wet spot was still there when I left for the day, it will dry eventually.

A girl brought me a beautiful bouquet of flowers for Teacher Appreciation Week. She included a card that thanked me for teaching her the metric system.

A few students looked closely at the flowers and wondered if there was pollen in there.  (The day before we'd had a science lesson about pollinators.)

At lunch recess, the aide on duty confiscated a glass bottle of liquid some my students were taking swigs of and sharing around.

It was hot sauce.  

Valentina's hot sauce.  One of them had brought it from home.

I had recess duty in the afternoon.  One of my boys, who mostly sits morosely by himself in the middle of the grass every recess, was invited by a girl in Miriam's class to play four square.  

It kind of made my day.

On the heels of that, a girl in my class came outside with her fingers pinched on the least amount of fabric possible on her sweatshirt.  She said, "It got toilet water on it."

I didn't really understand.  "It dropped in the toilet?"

She said, "Yes, I put it on the toilet paper holder and it fell in."

These are the kinds of problems one doesn't get taught about when you are getting a degree in elementary education.  I have a healthy stash of plastic grocery bags and I put it inside and hung it up and reminded her to take it home when the bell rang, because she was merrily leaving without it.

Just another day of highs and lows; chaos and sweetness; you won't believe this and I can't make this stuff up.

Not giving up yet

 I told my students not to finish the math test in one day.  I told them that there were 60 questions and if they finished it in one day, they are going too fast.

Two of them finished and got the lowest scores I've ever seen on the math test.

I feel demoralized and humbled.  It is easy to feel like I failed them.

It is also easy to feel like I just want out of there.  Everyone from the school counselor to the administrators to my team teachers to the aides think I have a super hard class.  They exhaust me.  Much of the challenge is from things beyond their control and beyond my control.  Until I have Adderall in my skittle jar, those things will just continue.

But, I wish I could have made more of a positive impact.  I keep thinking, maybe if I hadn't missed so much school!

I know how to make myself feel even more discouraged....

I have 14 more days and I will try my best to be positive.  Even if they aren't at grade level, I will do my best for them to know that their teacher loves them.

For the counterweights, Hannah texted me a witty description of the birds outside her office window.  (We have a fantasy of being bird watchers together.). I had a nice walk with Kim.  She told me a tale that had me laughing out loud.  Adam and I made dinner together and chatted about everything.  Even on my worst days, there are things to be thankful for.

Weekend

 Such a good weekend!  It was full of expected and unexpected goodness.

Friday was a typical May school day, just in time for the first day of May.  Chaos and anarchy.  We didn't have any testing.  We read about Greek gods and did partitioning in math and were well on our way with phonics when I got called into an IEP meeting that they forgot to tell me about.

The person who forgot apologized profusely to me multiple times.  I told him he should apologize to the aide who took over my class with my jumble of instructions as I walked out the door.  She was in fact thrown to the lions.

The IEP was supposed to take 30 minutes.  At 1 hr 10 minutes, I ducked out to get my class whipped into shape before leaving.  You never saw a more relieved person than the aide when I walked in the door.  All the kids were yelling and clamoring around and she was standing by the outside door like she was ready to bolt at any moment.

I went back into the IEP after the students left and the meeting eventually came to a blessed close.

May.  Not for the faint of heart.

We had a quiet and welcome evening at home.  Saturday I did my things around the house then met Emma for lunch.  After, we went to The Devil Wears Prada 2.  Emma said she was tempering her expectations because sequels were never as good so I tried to follow her wise example.  I don't think it was as good as the first one, but we enjoyed it and we enjoyed the people next to us who were so tickled by everything from the trailers to the end of the movie.  It's nice to be around happy people.

I hugged Emma good-bye and she casually mentioned she wouldn't be coming to Sunday dinner and I know that I'm lucky to have her as often as I do.

Still.

I like it when she comes home!

When I got home, Adam and I started our errands.  We went to Deseret Book for garments for me.  While I was puzzling over the new sizing, Adam was looking at art.  He will probably finally make a decision for what to buy for the bishop's office by the time he is released.  I was shocked and so pleasantly surprised when Erin and her daughter Aubrey walked in!  We hugged and then immediately started talking about the garment sizing like we were picking up mid conversation instead of we hadn't seen each other in at least over a year.  Adam came looking for me, because I was taking so long.  He asked, "Did you get lost?"

I said, "Look who I found!"

We chatted for a minute and then went our separate ways and it was such a happy thing to have run into each other!

Adam and I finished up our errands and brought Jersey Mike's home to Mark.  They have a pretty good gluten free Philly cheese steak sandwich.

Sunday morning, I was getting a slow start, watching the Follow Him podcast on YouTube and just easing into things, when I got a text from Erin asking if I wanted to get together.  She said she had until 10:30 and I did too.  I said, "Yes!"

She said she was coming my way.  I took a speedy shower and got ready and even had time to straighten the pillows on the couch before she arrived.  It was such an unexpected and wonderful turn of events!  We chatted for about an hour.

Her cute grandson was being blessed and we had the Lindon Temple dedication so we hugged good-bye again.

Adam was at the stake center with the other bishops in case of any recommend issues and there was a sign posted that there were no seats saved, buy Melva saved us seats all the same.  I brought my actual paper scriptures to read while I waited for it to start and I forgot how much I like those old fashioned things.  Adam joined me right before it started and it was nice to sit next to him and such a blessing to be able to watch the dedication.  I loved every minute of it.  There were great speakers and then President Eyring dedicated the temple and I was filled with the desire to be better.  Always a good thing.

After a quick lunch of cheese and crackers and grapes, Adam and I went to our church where we were having child care for kids from our ward who were too young for the dedication (which was being rebroadcast at the stake center in the afternoon).  It was Adam's idea; he's a good kid.  Melva and Neil came and helped too.  We had seven energetic and cute kids.  They played a bit in the nursery.  I did a singing time and Neil had made a slideshow about temples.  Then we let them "build" temples out of sugar cubes.  More than one sugar cube was popped into a mouth!  Yuck.  I love sweet treats, but just eating a sugar cube?  Doesn't seem good.

We went to the gym for some chaotic games, then cleaned up the nursery, gave them a snack and their parents started showing up.  All four adults thought it was easier and went faster than expected.  I had brought books to read to them, a few more games and coloring pages, but we didn't need any of it.

It's better to have more things than you need!

Mark was accidentally glutened on Saturday so he was feeling sick all day, poor kid.  It makes me sad and I think it would feel a little demoralizing to have celiac's desease.  There are so many foods you can't eat, good foods, and then sometimes you accidentally get sick anyway.

Adam and I took a walk, but stopped and sat on a bench when we got a FaceTime call from our favorite Californians.  We came home and had dinner and watched the YA fireside with Elder Stevenson.  (Adam and I are young at heart?)

Today I am off to school for more testing and I am sporting a Star Wars t-shirt that none of my students will understand.

May the 4th be with you.

Grateful Friday

 Another Friday has rolled around.

I'm grateful for my team.  They are flexible when I need them to be.  They are funny and supportive and OK with my foibles.  They have good ideas.

We like to take walks together when we are collaborating.  Yesterday Caroline said, "I keep seeing you guys everywhere."

Alissa said, "Well, we're team of the year."

I said, "For a few more weeks."

Miriam said, "Nah, we're going for a repeat."

I love my team.

I'm grateful for a weekend where I am crossing all the fingers that I will have more time with Adam.  Time with that guy is at such a premium.

I'm grateful for the Lindon Temple dedication this Sunday.  

I am grateful I have Kim to walk with.  We chat and the walk time just flies by.  I loved loved loved my walking buddies in Washington.  It only took me over a decade, but I am grateful to have found a Utah walking buddy!

I am grateful for the growth that I am seeing in some of my students.  I am grateful for their sweetness and affection.  I am grateful it is almost the end of the year because I am so over a few of them and their behaviors!

Doing what I can

 Emma and I are going to go see The Devil Wears Prada 2 on Saturday.  I asked Adam if he wanted to go and he didn't.  I asked him if he had watched the first one and he hadn't.  What?!? 

We watched it Monday night because I insisted.

He liked it.

So maybe he'll go with us on Saturday (although he wants to do some yard work).

In other news, we are still slogging through testing.  All but two of my students are finished with the first one.  It isn't what anyone would call a blazing success, but maybe better things are ahead?

If nothing else, this makes me happy.  

The Amazon box is full of snacks I ordered for testing.  They don't know what is in the box and I'm not going to tell them it is snacks.  They are too short to peek into the box.  Before school, I pull some snacks out for the day.

Tuesday was goldfish crackers.  I told them, "I o-fish-ally believe in you!"

Testing time brings out the cheesy in all of us.  Except, yesterday it was fruit snacks and I didn't have anything cutesy to go with it.

I also have little turtles they get during the test.  At the end of all the testing, they'll get to take their turtles home.  They have named them things like Albert and Tory.  The adoration they feel for their turtles makes me happy.

I am trying to keep the main thing the main thing and remember they are little kids.

When other sources cease to make me whole

 Last night I learned of the passing of one of my dearest friend's husband.  It was completely unexpected.  My heart hurts for her and their children and everyone.

It really puts low reading score angst into perspective....

Life is precious.  People are precious.

The Gospel of Jesus Christ is the most precious and priceless thing I know of.

Rainy days that are Mondays

 We started testing yesterday.  I banished one student to the special ed room (the plan in case it was necessary) because he couldn't.  Sit.  Still.  Several of the logins didn't work.  We had to try and try again.  One girl had a full on panic attack and an aide took her to the office and Camie talked her down.

We only did one hour.  I told them that the test was long enough that I didn't want them to finish today.  They shouldn't finish today.  If they finished they were not taking enough time.

Two students finished and got low low scores.

From there, the day only kept on its trajectory.  Since it was Monday, we had no specialties. It rained all day long.  A girl had a bloody nose.  We had inside recess all day long.  They were so amped up by the afternoon that we abandoned all the ships and I taught them how to do the Mexican Hat Dance.  They love it and they kept running and crashing into each other for no reason except they hadn't had recess all day.

The last part of the day, third grade had Read with a Cop.  They usually bring a book, but yesterday they did not.  I found a book and we assembled in the cafeteria.  The kids were antsy and giggly and generally out of control.  I told the policeman that I apologized in advance.  He did great and taught them a game and read the book and then fielded questions and got a little too specific about the statute for kidnapping charges.

Moving on please.

After he was done, we stayed in the gym and played red light green light for five minutes.  Anything to not have to go back to our classrooms.

They cleaned up and I shooed the last of them out the door and it was the first time I had my classroom silent all day.  I tidied up and straightened the desks and turned off the lights and sat quietly at my desk in the rain soaked light coming through the window and mapped out today.

I also checked the weather.

We aren't supposed to have rain.

Weekend

 I doubt it's a coincidence that weeks seem longer and harder when Adam is gone.

He was in Nashville and then New York City.  I wasn't.

The school week was rough.  The home week was a little rough.  I made it though.

Friday I stayed after school for the Bonneville Carnival put on by the PTA.  They needed volunteers and I volunteered to help in the fish pond.  Then, they sent out a desperate plea for face painters.  They said you didn't need to have experience.

So I signed up.

I went to my station and I doubt I can adequately describe the woman who was tasked to train me, but I will try.  She bustled up with a case of face painting wares.  The PTA moms called her Miss-something-I-don't-remember, so I assume she's a teacher, maybe at Timpanogos High School?  She spoke at an abrupt rapid clip.  She told me that some high schoolers were supposed to be the face painters, but there was an AP test and prom.  She said, "So you don't have the smart kids or the prom kids."

She tsked at the quality of face paints the PTA had provided and said, "I'll give you some of mine."

She described in very great detail the consistency we were going for with the paint.  She showed me, holding her brush up to my face.  She said, "See, it's the consistency of clam chowder."

She said that she could paint a hundred faces an hour.  She said I probably wouldn't be able to do that many, but that I should stick to stencils, because they were easier.  

I went to my station, humbled by her lack of confidence in me and the apparent nuance to face paint consistency.

Despite that, it went pretty well.  They were elementary students and those are my people.  At one point a mom came up and asked me if the face painting cost money and I almost laughed out loud.  I promise no one would pay me to daub face paint through a stencil, even if I somehow achieved that perfect clam chowder consistency.

After my shift, I went home and Mark and I went to dinner at La Costa.  We needed to drown away the sorrows of the week with good Mexican food and Diet Coke with lime (for me, Mark is a Coke Zero guy).

Saturday morning I was delighted to get a phone call from Erin.  We talked for nearly an hour and a half.  I'm sure we could have talked twice that long.  Odessa, Texas is too far away.  Also, old friends who have known you for almost 35 years are pretty priceless.

Adam called to check in for a minute.  Then, he said, "I have to go.  They want to dress me in my gown."

I said, "Is this how I find out you're a cross dresser?"

He said, "My robe.  Whatever.  You know what I mean."

It was a graduation and he was part of the stage party and I wish I'd been there to see it.  Those graduations are happy.

Mark and I had lunch at Chubby's, which always makes me feel like I'm giving up to eat at a place that doesn't even try to hide the fact that you are getting chubby by eating there.  Then, we went to Project Hail Mary.  Mark hadn't been to a movie for a long time and the last two movies I went to were the first and second Wicked movies for school Christmas parties.  I had taken a substantial nap through both of them.

We both like movies and it was nice to be in a theater.  We whispered about which trailers seemed interesting and then settled in.  Science fiction isn't really my genre, but I liked it.  I was a little confused by the ending, but so was Mark.  He told me what he thought had happened and I think he was right, but I need things a little more spelled out, I guess.

In the evening, I went to Provo to watch Emma perform.  Her friend Brigitte was doing a set at Java Junkie on Center Street.  She got Emma to sing three of the songs with her.  

Earlier when I was figuring out where to park, I wished Adam were there.  When Brigitte asked me to record their songs, I missed that guy even more.  

Sure enough I didn't record the first two songs correctly, but then I did OK.  Here's a clip, if it works....

Listening to Emma sing is a great joy in my life.  That is all.

After the set, Emma and I walked down the street and had dinner at Guru's.  It was wonderful just sitting across from her and chatting about all the things.  I feel very fortunate for the proximity I have to her and Mark.  (And I am grateful I can talk to Braeden on the phone.)

One thing we talked about were the gaps in reality Project Hail Mary expected you to accept because she had seen it weeks ago.  Emma said, "It's just a movie!  It doesn't have to all make sense."  I know.  Science fiction isn't really my thing.

Adam flew in late Saturday night and Mark went to pick him up.  I am happy to have him back!

Church was good and then we had a nice Sunday afternoon with our kids.  Meatloaf and Skip-bo, plus we got to talk to Braeden's family and lay our eyes on our (above average) grandchildren.  

Today we start state testing.  I have donuts for them and donut coloring pages that says, "Donut be stressed.  Just do your best."

State testing is stressful no matter how many donuts or pithy coloring pages you have though.  One way or another, at least it will be over in a few weeks.  

Lifesavers

 Yesterday was an extremely frustrating day.  I felt like quitting.  For real.  I felt like taking my ball and going home.  My students had all sorts of various and bizarre behaviors (including but not limited to the student who pulled their pants down and went to the bathroom on the grass during recess)!

The aide who told me about it said, "You could teach for 50 years and never be prepared for what is going to happen!"

She is not wrong.

I also had frustrations with adults.  It was a pretty rotten day.  The more amped up we get about end of year state testing, the more my students' behavior disintegrates.  Ugh.

When I got to the car to drive home, I did the wisest thing I could think of and I called Braeden.

I talked to him while I drove home and told him all the things.  He said all the right things (why I called him).

When I got home, I FaceTimed with him so I could lay my eyes on the Young Prince.  That was the dopamine hit that I needed to right the ship.  (QE was busy, but that is the advantage of two grandchildren.)

After I got off the phone with Braeden, I called Mark upstairs.  I said, "I had a bad day."

He said, "And I'm the lucky one who is around to hear about it?"

I said yes.

I told him all about it.  He also said the right things + he hugged me.

Adam was on a plane, but I know enough to know that when the chips are down, my boys will come through.

This morning while I was getting ready for work, I listened to a conference talk.  It was "Ministering-That Ye Love One Another; as I Have Loved You," by Kristin Yee.

It wasn't meant for third grade teachers who want to burn it all down because they are so frustrated.  It's also not not for third grade teachers who want to burn it all down because they are so frustrated.  God is in the details of our lives.  I know that.  These words helped me.

We may not be able to fix difficult or heartbreaking circumstances as we hope; some changes are not ours to make.

Some changes are not ours to make.  I need to tattoo that on my heart.

When we pause and choose to care for someone over something, His Spirit and love can enter in and we can receive the peace and perspective that we really need.

I am so grateful for little messages of truth that lift me and remind me and keep me going. 

It was only Tuesday

 When my team convened in my room after school, we all had the same thought, "I can't believe it is only Tuesday!"

Yesterday was a long week....

We walked to Orem Junior High for their musical.  It's about a 25 minute walk.  Twenty-five minutes of keeping everyone walking and on the sidewalk (not the street) and out of peoples' yards and no, you can't throw pinecones.

A police officer helped us cross 800 North on the way to the junior high, but I don't know where he was on the way back.  It was high anxiety.

The play itself was well done.  I loved seeing former Bonneville students and I loved seeing one of my students waving enthusiastically at her older sister.  She was so proud.  I had a little hotbed of trouble and I made two students come and sit by me and every other student in the row move down.  I said no to anyone who needed to use the bathroom unless they asked me multiple times.  If they wanted to go get a drink, it was an automatic no.

One of my students said, while we were trooping down the street, "What if someone thought we were all Teacher's children?"

They were delighted by that idea, but when we are on a field trip like that, it does feel like they are all my children.  It's a lot.

We got back to the school and I felt like a nap, but we had a quick lunch because we returned late and then writing.  One of my students had a full on temper tantrum about writing.  She was very offended that I wasn't helping her enough.  Writing time is every man for himself and they are asking me to spell words and asking me a million questions and clamoring around my desk and I am just trying to survive it.

Almost everyone else finished what they needed for the day and she had her head down on my desk and was crying.  I told her that I was sorry I wasn't able to help her more, but I could help her now.

Well, she was over it.  She said, "Oh, now you want to help me.  Too late!"

I told her she could stay in from recess then.

She was still hopping mad during recess.  I tried to reason with her, but we were past that.  She went to recess and we picked up writing again after recess.  She acted like nothing had even happened and she helped translate for a Spanish speaker and was as pleasant as she could be.

After school Miriam and Alissa and I commiserated about everything. We made sure we were on the same page for testing and we divided the classes for next year.  We put our students into three different 4th grade classes, trying to balance boys/girls, behavior, academics, special ed., English learning.  It's an undertaking.  There's a spot for notes.  My team asked me what I was going to write about my hardest student.  We batted around a few ideas:  good luck, hope you have Advil, they are a puzzle.  In the end I left it blank.  I know whoever the teacher is will come and ask me.  

Words words words

Third grade

 6-7 seems to be on the way out.  Every once in a while it will crop back up.  I don't think that anything as meaningless as 6-7 has much staying power.

Several of my students call me, "Bruh."  It's fine.  A different teacher might make them use more proper names, but I have different battles to fight.

Yesterday a girl asked me how many more minutes until recess.  When I told her, she said, "Slay, Queen," and walked away.

Last year it was all rizz and skibidi.  

Imagine the brain power we could all free up if we didn't have to keep up on all of this....

Adam/Braeden

Adam sent me this:

 Braeden called last night to let us know about a couple of widows when they might come to Utah this summer. I wrote them in a message to you on my iPad but forgot to send it. I’ll do that later today.

 It took me a moment to realize that there was a typo and Adam had meant to type windows, not widows. As in windows Braeden's family was thinking of coming to Utah.

I think my brain stalled because it feels kind of on brand for Braeden to 1) be concerned about widows and 2) offer for them to stay with us.  That kid has a big heart.  (I guess I don't because I'm relieved we won't have boarders for the summer.)

Emma

Emma sent us the most complicated Connections game she had come up with when she was driving home.  Adam and I puzzled over it and finally called her.  She gave us hints and we still struggled.  There's clever and then there's impossible.

Here is her text:

I taught her to talk initially, but that little wordsmith took it from there.

Mark

Mark is my self appointed personal trainer.  When we walk together and I want to turn around, he says no.  He is keeping track on his watch and he wants to keep going.  I said, "But we turned around here yesterday."

He said, "We are getting better though.  We aren't going to stick with yesterday."

And I love that.

I love words.  And my people.

Weekend

 Stress dreams:

We are on the cusp of test time at school.  I recognize that it is my pride undoing my peace, but here I go anyway.  I want them to do well!  (I want people to think I'm a good teacher....) It is a BIG DEAL at our school.  Test scores are talked about.  A lot.

We did a RISE benchmark test on Friday and it did not go well.

So I have had dreams that I was trying to teach one of my children (it wasn't one of my children though, it was a random kid) and he said, "I don't want to learn!  I won't learn!"

Then I pinched him.

(I would like the record to show I've never pinched one of my students, even when they don't want to learn.)

I had another dream that my entire class refused to do anything I asked.  It was lunchtime and they wouldn't get out of their seats and go to lunch.

(That would never, ever happen.  Nothing motivates them like lunchtime.)

I told Adam on Saturday that maybe what I need to do it stop stressing about it.  He just nodded.  I said, "Maybe it makes it worse when they can tell I'm stressed."

Adam just nodded, but I could sense if he were to say what he was thinking it would be something along the lines of, "You think?!?"

So I am going to work on chilling out.  In my repertoire of skills, it doesn't make the list, but there's always hope.

The low bar:

An exciting development in my life is that I am feeling more and more like myself.  I am taking lots of walks as prescribed by my doctor to fight fatigue.  I've found that if I sleep 9 hours on weeknights and 10 hours on weekends, I have more energy.

(The last time I went to get my infusion, the nurse asked me about my fatigue and I said that I felt fine because I'd slept 10 hours the night before.  She said, "I can't remember the last time I slept 10 hours!"  I suggested she get cancer....)

On Saturday morning, Adam and I confronted the pile of blankets that have overtaken our house.  When you get cancer, turns out lots of people give you blankets.  Also, every time Adam turns around WGU seems to give him a blanket.  It is the gift of choice.  We picked the ones we wanted to keep, gave one to Mark and took the rest of them with us when we went to meet Olivia and Liliana at the temple.  After our session, we went to DI with them.  Our intention was to donate the blankets they didn't want.  Lili, who is preparing to move to Boston for the summer, declined.  Olivia took the blankets.  She had plans for the fleece for blankets made in her Relief Society.

This is all to say, it felt great to actually do something productive around here.  I watered my plants.  I did some laundry.  I feel like a person.

The flowers were so pretty at the temple, we posed for a picture.  I look kind of like I was in pain.  I wasn't.

After church and a walk, we had Emma and Lili and Josh over for dinner.  It was so nice to have them.  We love those kids.  We ate and talked about Boston and then played Bohnanza.  Emma sat down at the piano and started playing so we sang together too.

It was a good weekend!

Grateful Friday

 I am grateful I just about survived the week.  It has been fraught with a lot of drama.  Yesterday was a little bit better.  We had a whole class meeting situation that I think/hope helped.

I am grateful that when it was cold and windy, Murph, who is the aide we all love, walked outside and said, "I am sure you have things to do.  I'll do recess duty."

Seriously, it is no wonder we all love her.

I am grateful for the empowering feeling I get from leadership meeting. I love seeing little glimpses of, "We could do better!  This is in our grasp!"

I am grateful when kids try.  Yesterday I had a gaggle of students who gathered around my desk during math to have me read the word problems to them.  They invariably get on different problems and they get impatient because they want me at their immediate beck and call.  A few of them gave up and read the problems themselves.  I should let them struggle more often, because they can do it!

I am grateful that even though winter seems to have returned, I have a warm house and a new roof and so many comforts.

I am grateful that sweet Hannah texted me yesterday because she knew it was a month since my mom passed away.

I am grateful my dad texted us a picture of a stunning bit he just finished making.

I am grateful we have each other.

Drama llamas

 I confiscate many paper airplanes every day.  They recently learned how to fold them.  Knowledge is power....

I found this one on my desk:

They excel at being maddening, but are just sweet enough that I love them all the same.

I don't love all the drama we've had.  I have a few students with very real trauma who struggle to cope.  I have other students who love the drama and love to stir the pot and make things worse.

We were mystified after recess.  Miriam had been out there and had kept an eagle eye on the trouble spots.  I still had two disregulated children who cried for 45 minutes after recess.  (Who is jealous of me?)

Katie, the school counselor, and I tried to figure it out.  After school, we went to the office and watched footage from the outside cameras.  Camie was helping us.  What we saw was a whole bunch of drama seekers running back and forth, drumming up hysteria.  The two students who are not supposed to be by each other, were not by each other, but it was still a hotbed of trouble.

I was googling for ideas for lessons on minding your own business in third grade.  There are awesome teachers in the world who share their ideas on everything you can google.

I scanned the list of websites and there were alternative search queries.  One of them was, what's the number one reason teachers quit?

It made me laugh out loud.  I told Miriam and she said, "That's not the number one reason."

She never told me what she thought the number one reason was and I didn't click on the question.  I don't know what it is, but I know that days like yesterday wear me down like I'm shale and they are a mighty river. 

Again with the murmuring

 I've been reading in Exodus about the children of Israel and their murmuring.  When I was younger, I thought, "Those children of Israel.  They can't get it right.  They keep getting saved and they still murmur."

Now, I see myself.

When I can't see around every dark corner, I think, "Well, this is it.  I'm in trouble now...."

And just like the children of Israel, I keep getting help.  It isn't always how I expect.  It wasn't always how they expected.  Manna?  (Adam compared it to Dippin' Dots and I like that.) No one was expecting manna, yet there it was.

Every day.

Thinking about this has caused me to think about God observing our whining, our ill-founded panic, our murmuring.

Does he feel about it like we feel about a beloved baby, who cries for food even though they get food every time they cry?  We don't fault the baby for crying.

Does he feel about it like we feel about a petulant toddler? It's tiresome, but part of the package.

Does he feel about it like we feel about a morose and complaining teenager, who you'd just as soon go away for a while?

My guess is just like we expect more of children as they grow, He expects more of us over time.

This all makes me feel like I need to get it together!

Welcome back

 You know those videos of a soldier returning where their families clamor around them, hugging them?  That was basically the scene at school yesterday morning.  My students acted like they hadn't seen me for years.  I knew it wouldn't last.

Sure enough, by math, they were scowling at me.

Someone drew a heart on the pavement outside my door and wrote Dais in it.  Of course, then the other students had to point out they'd spelled my name wrong.

"There's no 'v'," twenty students informed me.

Yes, I know.

The student I had said hi to at Winco on Saturday told me that he had seen me at Winco on Saturday.

Yes, I know.  

I broke my ID badge and a secretary ordered me a new on.  I asked how I was going to get in this morning and they told me that I guess I can just stay home....

I will just hope someone gets there the same time as me or I guess I'll be waiting outside a while.

A student threw up in the garbage can.

We celebrated two birthdays.

A girl was shivering at recess and Alissa asked her why she was wearing shorts.  She said, "It's about the outfit."

Alissa said, "But it's cold."

My student said, "Beauty is pain."

(She has a teenage sister and it shows.)

I had a Big Meeting with a parent and therapists and lots of school personnel.  It lasted 85 minutes.  Not that I was keeping track....

I was letting my students in after afternoon recess and I noticed six big sixth graders surrounding one of my students.  I left no one in charge of the rest of my class and hightailed it across the playground.  Some of the boys were bigger than me, but I also had some of them as 3rd graders, which removes any intimidation factor of big boys, so I sent them packing and pulled my student back to the classroom.

The difference between yesterday and a week ago when I sitting in the sunshine by a pool is...vast.

Weekend

 The weekend was largely unremarkable.  I was very pleased that I didn't feel too many effects from my infusion.  I was kind of tired on Friday, but I decided to pretend I wasn't and it worked!

Also, a bonus on Friday, I talked to both sisters and my dad on the phone.

I pruned some plants on Saturday and told Mark that I thought I was ready to take over their care again.

It feels great to feel like I'm back!

Shannon and I went to lunch on Saturday and it was so nice to reconnect.  She kindly asked me if I wanted to talk about my mom and I did.  (Sometimes I don't.)  It felt good to recount a little about the funeral and my feelings surrounding it all.  

Saturday afternoon, Mark and I took a walk.  He asked if he could interview me because he needed to interview someone with cancer for his health class.

I said, "What if you didn't know someone with cancer?" He said it was one of the choices.  

It was a thought provoking conversation.

He asked me the biggest lesson I've learned from having cancer. I told him that I had learned about the power of prayer.  There have been many days that I didn't know how I was going to make it through the day.  I would pray the whole way to school.  It always worked.  Also, I've felt help and strength from the prayers of others.  I never realized how much of a difference it made when people pray for you.

He asked about the response of friends and family to my cancer.  I couldn't have asked for better support and help.  That is humbling to realize.

He asked what advice I would give someone who had just been diagnosed with cancer.  I said I would tell them what Janet told me: take one day at a time.  Figure out what you can control and what you can't and try to only focus on what you can control.  Also, don't google it.  Finally, let people in.  Let people help you.  

He asked what advice I would give the friends and family of someone diagnosed with cancer.  I said, "Be like Adam and Mark.  And everyone else who has been so kind and supportive to me."

Then, Mark told me the ways he had seen me learn and change.

So if you saw me crying on the Murdock Canal Trail Saturday, blame that conversation....

Sunday I led the singing in primary.  I had them roll a die (you can take the girl out of Nevada, but you can't take Nevada out of the girl apparently) and the number corresponded to a song we would sing.  If they rolled a 6, they got to choose a song.

They chose Gethsemene.  I knew they would.  And I don't mind at all because I love that song (also it was number 4, so we sang it twice).

The hardest thing that ever was done,

The greatest pain that ever was known,

The biggest battle that ever was won—

This was done by Jesus!

The fight was won by Jesus!

I know why they like it so much.

Grateful Friday

Yesterday I drove myself to my infusion because Adam is having an extra intense work time (which is saying something because his work is always intense) and Mark had class.  It felt weird going alone, because I usually have my entourage.

In the morning, before leaving I saw that I had a text message from Stephanie and another from Tabor, wishing me well and sending their love.

I realized I wasn't going alone and that means the world to me.

I am also grateful for the good week I've had.

Early Monday morning, Mark dropped us off at the Provo Airport and Adam and I flew to Las Vegas.  It is a very short trip.  The captain said we were at 30,000 feet and we could use the bathroom if we needed to and that we would begin our descent in about 10 minutes.

We rented a car and went to the Aria.  There was supposed to be fine art there, which we determined to look at before our lunch reservation at Din Tai Fung.  We mostly struggled to find the art.  There was a map on an app that was really unhelpful, but we saw some pretty things all the same.

Not the art, just a seasonal display in the lobby.  I took exactly one picture (to send to Emma) and Adam took all the rest.

Adam had been wanting to take me to Din Tai Fung ever since he ate there.  I don't love Chinese food in general, but this was exceptional.  We had these amazing soup dumplings, some OK cucumber salad (I love cucumbers, but it had a strong sesame oil flavor), fantastic green beans, spicy chicken wontons and the show stopping finale: chocolate dumplings in salted cream sauce.  

I look kind of silly in this picture, but I was so proud of myself for using chopsticks to eat, I'll post it all the same.

The cucumber salad came first and I'd struggled so much with the chopsticks that I just stabbed the cucumber and ate it that way.

We walked around some more and went to the Bellagio to look at all the pretty things.  I don't know how anyone would think they had a chance to win much at those casinos.  It's clear the house usually wins!

We drove to our hotel eventually.  It was in Midtown, away from the Strip, and we liked it.

Our hotel was The English.  It was a small boutique hotel with a lot of eclectic style and none of the Las Vegas ick.

This was Adam's office.  He sat under the cabana and worked and I read.

We walked a few blocks to Good Pie for dinner.  It was another restaurant Adam wanted me to try.  We got delicious pizza and enjoyed our quirky waiter.

After dinner we drove to Seven Magic Mountains outside of the city.

Each of the rocks was about 6 feet tall.  There were people there, but I erased them with my editing feature on my phone.  It feels like cheating, but I'm here for it.

Tuesday we lived a life of leisure.  At least I did.  Adam worked quite a bit.  Besides sitting by the pool and working/reading, we went to a nearby state historic site, Old Las Vegas Mormon Fort.  It was pretty fascinating.  The oldest building in the state, built by pioneers sent there to make an outpost for people on their way to San Bernardino, settled it.  We love history and learning about places.

We had an interesting dinner at a restaurant called Chicago Joe's.  Adam hadn't eaten there, but it was in a cute brick house and had good reviews and was in walking distance to our hotel.  

There was a man smoking on the front porch and a Closed sign next to him.  According to the website, they were supposed to be open.  We asked the guy and he said, "Yeah, go in, they're open."

It was a bizarre dining experience.  The waiters seemed wholly surprised that we were there.  They also were taken aback by two other parties that joined later.  The food was pretty good and we were entertained by the once again quirky waitstaff and a very dramatic phone call several of them participated it (the man who had been smoking on the front porch was an employee too and he had a session on the phone with the rest of them).  There was a landline at a nearby desk and one of them would talk urgently, then set the phone down and get another employee to talk to whoever was on the phone.  

That evening we went to Donny Osmond.  Earlier in the afternoon, I'd napped while Adam scoped out the show.  He is excellent at figuring out ways to make things seamless for me.  As a bonus, he got to try out a gadget.  It was a win win.

We took a Vay.  There was one waiting for us down the street a bit from our hotel.  Adam unlocked it with his phone, we hopped in, drove to the Strip and parked behind the super sketchy Best Western casino.  The car drove away by itself.

Adam led me on a little path he'd figured out through the unsavory low end casinos.  At Harrah's we went right up an escalator to the show.  Adam is a wonder.  He figures things out.

We were very much in the cheap seats, but when the show was about to start, an usher tapped Adam on the shoulder and said, "Follow me."  He led us down to the not cheap seats and we found ourselves in the 6th row!  

The show was great.  Donny Osmond is an amazing entertainer.  We were about 15 years younger than most people there.  He sang a lot of songs from his 60 years in show business.  My favorites were from Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat and the song from Mulan.  There were dancers and a live band and lots of audiovisual marvels.  He sang "Puppy Love" with an avatar of himself as a 14 year old.  The whole thing was very enjoyable.

At one point, Donny went down the stage, giving high fives.  I could have very easily stood up and reached for a high five.  Adam said that I should.

I said, "That doesn't sound like something I would do."

Adam concurred.

We wend our way back to the parking lot behind the Best Western and a driverless car drove up.  We got inside and drove back to our hotel.  The alternative would have been to self park.  Adam was pretty proud of the fact that the Vay was cheaper than parking would have been.  Self parking was a ways away and I was also very grateful that we didn't need to walk much.  He always takes such good care of me!

Wednesday, we lounged by the pool.  It was restful to be so lazy!  We walked down the street for a delicious lunch--again at a place Adam had eaten at before.  I like traveling to places where he knows all the good places.

In the afternoon we flew home, Mark picked us up and we were happy to see him and happy to be home.

After my infusion yesterday--easier without chemo, but I was still pretty wiped out--I sat in my chair mostly.  Mark and I took a very short walk and he makes an excellent personal trainer.  He tells me over and over that I'm doing well.  He says, "You're getting stronger all the time!" and "You can do this!"

He also asks me every few minutes how I'm doing.  I'm grateful to have a Mark in my life.