Grateful Friday

 I am grateful...

...that one of my love languages (reading aloud to children) is part of my actual job.  We are going to finish Ramona the Pest today.  They are hotly debating whether or not we should read the next Humphrey book or the next Ramona book.  I think I'll offer The Mouse and the Motorcycle to the conversation to complicate things.  

...for snow.  The mountains are gorgeous.  The sky was icy blue yesterday and the sun was shining and the mountains sparkled their show-offy best.

...to be a teacher.  We had Junior Achievement day at school yesterday and volunteers took over our classrooms for the morning.  (It's a bizarre phenomenon that charitable/non-profit organizations periodically come to volunteer in our classrooms.  United Way does it sometimes too.  I would never assume I could just do someone's job for them.) The guys who taught my class were very nice and they did OK and also it was a little like watching a train wreck all morning.  I was chatting with a few teachers and we reasoned that at least maybe these people will vote for the next bond.  (Alissa's classroom was a balmy 52 degrees.). How about voting us some HVAC, friends?

My class showed off in the morning like kids do when there are unfamiliar houseguests.  One girl raised her hand and said that she could do a British accent because she had a German grandmother.  No one had asked.

Another one raised her hand and turned to me and said, "Teacher, when is our field trip?"  They wanted the guests to know how cool we are because we have a field trip...sometime this year.  (Again, no one had asked.)

The class was angelic all afternoon.  I think they were relieved to have someone back who made them toe the line a bit.

...Adam is home and Mark went to the airport last night to get him.

...I wasn't as stupid tired last night as I had been the night before.  Don't get me wrong, I did nothing but rest.  I just wasn't stupid tired.

...I made a realization that I will be DONE with chemo in a month.  That feels different than I have one more round.  When I consider I have one more round, I think about the process.  I think about the sub plans, the unpleasant port accessing/shot in the stomach, the sitting in a chair for two days feeling kind of yucky.  I think about days of nauseousness and fatigue.  I think about going back to school, scrambling to catch up while feeling exhausted.  I think of more hair falling out.

When I think about it the other way:  I will be DONE a month from now.  That is a horse of another color.

That makes me really happy.

(And yes, I allow my brain the done with chemo for now caveat.  I know I don't really know or control the actual plan.)

Snowy

 We had actual snow yesterday.  The first real snow of the year!  It has been the weirdest, warmest winter I can remember.

We had outside recess for lunch.  The snow wasn't really accumulating yet; it was wet and sloppy.  Before lunch I told them, "Stay out of puddles!" and "If you get your shoes wet, you'll be miserable all afternoon."

They didn't listen.  Of course not.  I remember when I was in elementary school.  In addition to undershirts which I had to wear, I had heavy boots.  I remember the lightness of spring when I could finally stop wearing undershirts and I could wear my tennis shoes again.

Now I realize what a luxury it was for me to have those heavy waterproof boots.  Only one or two of my students ever have winter boots each year.

So everyone came inside, cold and wet.

I projected a YouTube video of a crackling fire while I read Ramona the Pest to them.  

During phonics, Riley started clearing off the pavement with his small plow.  I finally shut the blinds because Riley on his snowplow was infinitely more interesting than phonics.

Afternoon recess was inside, which was worse for me.  They were amped up and squirrelly.  

The snow is pretty and I know we desperately need the moisture for the summer.  Still, I haven't missed inside recess!

About an hour after the kids went home, I hit a wall big time.  I had been tired all day, but then I was ridiculously tired.  I don't want to get sick again and I do want to listen to my body and let myself recover.

I went home and spent the rest of the night basically horizontal.  I napped and lay under a blanket and went to bed early.

It was nice on a snowy evening anyway.

Glimpses

I love getting little reminders of what our kids were like when they were younger.  Little glimpses.

 Yesterday was Emma's birthday.  She was in California visiting Braeden's family, so we will celebrate this weekend.  It was also Lunar New Year, so Braeden said he would take Emma out for Chinese food and let her steal some stuffed animals.

Years ago, we accidentally went to dinner at a Chinese restaurant on Chinese New Year.  It was back when we went to dinner very infrequently with our young family and we just coincidentally chose a Chinese restaurant on Chinese New Year.   I think Braeden was about five and Emma was about three.   The kind people at the restaurant gave our children red envelopes of money.  They also gave Emma and Braeden stuffed dogs to play with while we were there.

At the end, Emma didn't want to give up the stuffed dogs.  We were prepared to just take them from her, hand them over and take our protesting girl home, but the people at the restaurant insisted she keep them.  I hope we gave them a good tip.

Emma loved those little dogs.  She named them Inca and Chinta (she's always been a namer of things).  About the same time, we made a snowman on a rare Pacific Northwest snow day and she named him Noogis.

Last night, Mark and I went to JCW's for dinner.  I don't know if it is because my red blood cells are low (they are) or because I have subsisted on a lot of applesauce and crackers (I have), but somewhere along the way after chemo, I want a burger.

We were standing in line and Mark said, "OK, now what are you going to say when you order?"

I said, "No onions, no mayonnaise."

He said, "Good job."

(I am at the infantilizing stage of motherhood with that one I guess.)

To be fair, he is always with me when I forget to ask for no onions or mayonnaise and he is there when I scrape it all off and castigate myself for my folly.

While we waited for our order, I told Mark I don't understand why I don't like mayonnaise.  I like things with mayo in them, like fry sauce or ranch dressing.  

Mark said, "I used to think mayonnaise was bad for you, like the Word of Wisdom."

Adam and I both dislike mayonnaise in equal measure so Mark didn't really have it much as a little kid.  He said, "One time I was with Grandma Geri and we were having sandwiches and she put mayonnaise on her sandwich, so I thought it must be OK, so I tried it."

The little rebel.

It kind of delighted me.  I love thinking about little boy Mark, trying to navigate his world, trying to figure out what condiments were morally acceptable.  

Conjuring good things

 I was thinking about Stephanie.  I hadn't talked to her in a while.

Then, she called me as if I'd ordered up a phone call.  It was so good to catch up with her.

She told me that she and Brent are coming to Utah with their two oldest grandchildren to go skiing.

I said, "Will we have snow?!?"

She said, "You're supposed to be getting some snow."

And I love that mindset.  Why not hope for good things?  Why not expect good things?

Why not conjure phone calls from dear friends?

Weekend

 Well, this one has been rough.  I felt more nauseous on Saturday and Sunday than I have the previous times.  Which is expected.  (Who's excited for March?!?)

Starr brought dinner over on Thursday.  It was delicious.  Molly and Amy and Jen brought over dinner on Friday.  Also delicious.  And they brought me a red flowering plant that I think is a gloxinia, but I'm not sure.  So kind.  

I figured Valentine's Day would come and go without any notice.  Adam and Mark did errands together and one of their errands was to go to the Lego store and get me some Lego tulips.

I loved them!

Tulips are so cheerful and these won't ever droop.

Throughout the weekend, I got texts, phone calls and a brief visit from Marie Louise, all letting me know I'm not alone.

It helps more than I can express.

Before I go

 I wanted to write about our Valentine's Day party before I am down and out with chemo.

First, a window into the frustration of being Mrs. Davis.

We had our party Wednesday and the rest of the school is having their party tomorrow.  I debated whether they should exchange valentines on Wednesday or Friday.

I know enough to know that doing things out of the ordinary confuse them beyond belief.  I reasoned that since everyone else in the school--their siblings--would be bring valentines on Friday, we would do that too.  It felt like the path of least resistance.

I messaged their parents (on the app that translates to their home language) and let them know the plan.  Then, for a full week, I would tell them every day when we had our morning meeting that while we were having our party on Wednesday, we were exchanging valentines on Friday.

I told them every day.

Yesterday about half of them brought their valentines to exchange.  Some of them (not surprisingly the same ones who don't know what we're doing when I send them to their desks after a math lesson--they don't listen!) were shocked.  Wait, we're not exchanging valentines today?!?

The ones who listened and didn't bring their valentines were thrown into a tailspin of panic.  But I didn't bring my valentines today!

I put all the valentines on top of a bookshelf--until Friday.  I explained it all again.

(Alissa and I were comparing notes on how fractions on a number line were going.  She said, "You can only lead a horse to water.")

A sad truth.

Our party was slated for the afternoon.  We also had two birthdays (I have more February birthdays than any other month this year!).  So we had double cupcakes, juice boxes and super amped up kids because we were doing a party instead of phonics.

I decided to save the cupcakes for the very end of the day (which had its drawbacks because they were simultaneously cleaning up and holding a heavily frosted cupcake in each hand).

Three stellar mothers came to help with the party and they are the type of mothers that you just know are going to be great and know how to handle everything.  One mother brought a panapoly of craft supplies and they made cards.  One mother brought hearts on papers.  She had written conversation heart type stuff on the hearts with white crayon and they painted with water color to "reveal the secret."  They were enthralled.  Then they stacked conversation hearts using chopsticks.

One of the mothers brought a word search she had created for the station she asked me to run.  It was simple to be in charge of and allowed me to go around and snap pictures of the others.

And I wanted to snap pictures because one mother wrapped their heads in Saran Wrap, piled shaving cream on their heads and had a contest.  Their partner would throw froot loops at the shaving cream and whoever got the most to stick, was the winner.

It was hilarious.

And made such a mess!  (I apologized to the custodians.)

At the end of the very fun party, after they'd picked up all the cereal that wasn't smashed into the carpet, one of the mothers said that they had a gift for me that they wanted me to open in front of the kids.

It was a quilt they had made me!

They were so excited to show me the individual blocks they had made.  I will treasure it and I so appreciate the coordination and sewing talent that went into it from the mothers!

I cried a little.

(Only a little because I didn't want to freak them out.)

So they don't listen all that well, but I love those kids.  They freely give their affection to the woman who makes them sit still, do phonics and put their name on their paper.

I'm glad they're mine.

Grateful

 This is it for the week.  Chemo time is back.

I have lots to be grateful for.  From the little (the custodian who finally vacuumed my classroom--it really needed it) to the large (the conversation my mom and I had about how the gospel gives us strength and perspective to keep afloat in our trials).

I am grateful that our travel plans are coming together for later and that my sub plans are coming together for this week.  Love when plans are in place.  They are my security blanket.

Speaking of security blankets, I'm grateful that we have some storms coming up.  This winter has been amazingly warm and dry and snow on the mountain is my security blanket and I will be grateful if we get some more.

I'm grateful for my friend Kim that I walk with intermittently.  She is very patient with my sporadic schedule.  She is endlessly kind and makes me want to be better.  Our conversation almost always goes deep.  Walking with her enriches my life.

I'm grateful for my sweet school.  Although the reading scores would likely be better, I wouldn't trade for a wealthy school.  I love my humble and earnest students.  A mother let me know that since she didn't have a car right now, she couldn't bring her son's birthday treat because she had to walk to get it.  She would get it to us tomorrow.  I tried every way I knew (through my app that  interprets into Spanish) to convince her that she didn't actually need to send or bring a treat, it is just an option.  She loves her son and wants him to fit in, so she is doing everything she can.

That is inspiring to me and gives me encouragement to do everything I can for my students.

I am grateful for Adam.  He is wearing himself out with his high pressure job, being bishop and taking care of me.  I try to be as low maintenance as possible, but I kind of fail at that.  

He is unfailingly generous and he goes out of his way to serve me and our children.

It is also inspiring to me.

Coming clean

 "You never gave me that."

"I don't have that."

My students say these statements, and then I find whatever lost item it is (usually a phonics packet) in their desks.  Some of their desks are horribly messy.  I feel like I know what their bedrooms look like.

Yesterday a girl was shoving her desk basket into her desk for all she was worth and she couldn't get it inside.

That's when I knew it was time for a desk clean out.

After recess, they emptied their desks and filled the recycling and garbage. 

One girl had two math books.  She said, "I don't know why."

I also don't know why.  I put it aside for the next time someone doesn't have a math book.

One girl had more pencils in her desk than she could hold with one hand.

Tiny pieces of paper fluttered out of one girl's desk.

A boy pulled stuff out of his desk and about five paper airplanes cascaded to the floor.

Not all the kids are like that though.  A few of them had their desks cleaned in less than thirty seconds.  They were already clean, they just stacked everything from biggest to smallest and called me over for inspection.

We finally got everything clean and put back together.  We even got the floor picked up.

At the very end of the day, I let them have a prize if they have earned 5 stars--mostly earned from doing iReady lessons.  They go stand by their desks and I cross off the start and they go get a prize.  One boy had five stars, but they were red and all my stars are pink.  I said, "Who gave you these stars?  It wasn't me."

He said, "But I have five stars."

I said, "I didn't give them to you.  Did you give them to yourself?"

He (unconvincingly) said no.  I said, "If you can show me on your computer that you have finished five lessons, I'll let you get a prize." He walked over to the other side of the room and neither of us said anything more about it.

(Although his mother is coming in for a belated parent teacher conference and it might just get...mentioned.)

But everyone needs a fresh start and now we have one.

Weekend

 Friday was a teacher work day.  I mostly kept my head down, working in my classroom.  I got my sub plans sorted and planned lessons and even dusted the shelves.  (Doesn't happen very often!)

I got an email from another teacher that Holiday (gas station/convenience store) was giving a free drink to teachers.

I went into Miriam's room and asked her if she wanted to go on a field trip.  (I would have asked Alissa too, but she was home with a headache.)

So we got our sodas and then went back to work.  The school felt like a ghost town.  So quiet.  I appreciate the quiet days to get stuff done, especially when we are all exhausted, but I like a school better when it is full of children.

Friday night we went to dinner with Dave and Nola.  First we tried to decide where.  Trying to decide where to go to dinner is the ultimate first world problem, but sometimes it can be a real conundrum.  We settled on JCWs and had a nice time.

Saturday was a typical chore day + I still was feeling the effects of my cold.  It's been hard to shake.  That evening, in an attempt to cram in all the social life before I have chemo again, we did some matchmaking and went to dinner with two friends, setting them up on a blind date.  

I don't think I'll quit my day job and become Yenta the matchmaker.

It was stressful!  On the drive to the restaurant, Adam and I discussed topics to avoid and topics to bring up if things got slow.  They are our friends and we mostly enjoyed the evening, but it felt a little stressful the whole time.

I'm not sure if anything will come of it, but we tried.

I led the singing in primary on Sunday!  That always feels like an accomplishment.  

When I stood up to lead, one of the teachers, an older man who remembers when my grandpa was his bishop in Cedar Fort (so in the 1940s) said, "But what we would like to know is, how are you doing?"

I said I was fine.

He said, "Well, we're grateful for that."

When they found out I had cancer, my ward wanted to do something, anything, to help.  I think they were ready to bring me dinner every night for the foreseeable future.  We compromised that someone brings dinner every time I have treatment.  A woman name Starr is bringing me dinner this week.  She sat down next to me at church and asked me all about Mark's celiac.  She said she had been researching it.  She said, "Celiac is a pain!"  I agreed that it was.  I assured her that she could bring whatever and she didn't need to worry about it being gluten free.  She said, "No, I want to make it gluten free.  I'm learning a lot!"

It is just the kindest thing.  I am so grateful for all of the many big and small gestures people make for me.

We also had our own little Super Bowl party.  I could care less about the Super Bowl, unless the Seahawks are in it.  I am a fan by marriage.

Also, I'm less invested in the game and more there for the themed party.  We bought green and blue candy and blueberries and kiwi fruit and green vegetables and blue tortilla chips.

I'm taking all the leftover candy to my classroom for rewards.

Emma made the really good corn dip that is Whitney's recipe and at half time we added the Davis family football staple of lil' smokies along with some Chinese BBQ pork.  It was fun to feel connected with the Davises while we cheered the team on to victory.

I had a dream last night that I was a student teacher and I left my class and I was going somewhere with Mark and Adam.  It was taking a lot longer than expected and I was trying to text my mentor teacher, but I couldn't remember her name.  I was just panicking.

I woke up and tried to remember my mentor teacher's name so I would never get in that circumstance again.

Then it dawned on me that I don't have a mentor teacher.

I don't know what the dream means.  I am stressed about leaving my class this week?  I need a mentor?

Whatever it is, I'm off to school this morning and I am going to stay there the whole time and not just randomly leave with Mark and Adam.

Grateful Thursday

 I know I'll be too tired to post anything tomorrow.  I have got to conserve the crumbs of energy I have....

This has been a rough week.

1. fighting a head cold
2. migraine
3. parent teacher conferences
4. eye infection flare up 
5. oh, yeah...and cancer

I talked to Adam on my way home from my 12 hour day on Tuesday.  My voice was pretty much gone and I felt so very awful.  He heard me croak hello and he said, "Uh oh."

My voice rebounded and I am grateful.

Adam was gone and I'm very grateful for Mark.  That kid lifts me up.

(I'm grateful Adam came home last night.)

I'm grateful for my people at school.   Yesterday we had a faculty meeting after school.  Before we started there was heated discussion about the proper way to eat cereal and Jeff was indignant because a 5th grade class said his bald head was as barren as a desert when they were practicing similes.

We had a guest for the faculty meeting, which no one really realized until Matt introduced her.  (Then we felt sheepish about our nonsense.)  She said, "I go to a lot of schools and this is the most lighthearted school I have ever been to."

I guess lighthearted is one way to describe these people are so tired they are getting a little hysterical.

I love those guys.

The most heart melting and gratitude inducing thing that happened this week was yesterday when we were jostling out the door to go to lunch, I accidentally collided with a student.  I said, "Oh, I'm sorry."

He said, "That's OK, Mrs. Davis.  I love you."

Tired, cranky, short tempered, watery eyed and walking around with a headache all week.  That sweet boy still loves me.

They're better than I deserve. 

Pushing through

 I'm still sick.  I'm taking medicine like it's my job.  I'm convinced there are two types of people in the world.  People who take medicine and people who don't.  I don't know anyone who is neutral about medicine.  

Last night I made a Citrus Pear chicken soup.  (Melanee told me about Citrus Pear and I'm grateful.  Frozen meals that you cook in the instant pot.)  I packed away some for my lunch today.  Chicken soup heals, right?

Today is a 12 hour school then parent teacher conference day.  It takes all my energy.  Last night Mark read the Book of Mormon to me before we went our separate ways.  He was reading in 2 Nephi 28

Yea, and there shall be many which shall say: Eat, drink, and be merry, for tomorrow we die; and it shall be well with us.

Before I went upstairs to bed, Mark kissed my forehead and said, "Go rest.  Drink a lot.  Rest, drink and be merry so tomorrow you won't die."

Sound advice.

 

When you're up your up; when you're down you're down

 Friday I went to school feeling fine.

About mid morning, I got super dizzy.  The dizziest I've ever felt.  Every time I stood up, I sort of staggered to stay upright.  It was awful.

Adam came and got me and I had someone take my class for the afternoon.  I sat in my chair at home, totally incapacitated.  Then, eventually, gradually, it lifted.  By evening, I was feeling all the way better.

I have no explanation.

Saturday, once again, I was fine. 

Sunday morning, I woke up feeling awful.  Stuffy head, sore throat, fatigue.

I have been too cavalier.  I don't want to wear a mask and I don't want to be uptight about germs.  But here we are.

I laid low on Sunday.  I have a big week ahead with parent teacher conferences.  And Adam's out of town.  

I started to feel sorry for myself.  Why can't my body just cooperate and do what I want to do?!?

I had planned--at long last--to get together to do family history with Marie Louise.  I had been collecting stuff for months and I had things to share with her.  I texted her, with my apologies to cancel.  She texted back that she loved me and that I had lots of people in my corner, praying for me.

I texted the primary presidency, even though it wasn't my turn to lead the music, to let them know I wouldn't be there.  They texted back messages of love.  They wondered if they could do anything.

My stellar ministering sisters texted that they hadn't seen me in church and hoped I was OK.

So even when I'm down, I'm not out.  I am buoyed by the wonderful women who give me love and support.  I'm buoyed by my family and their prayers.

It all made me feel like everything is going to be OK.

Mark also makes me feel like everything is going to be OK.  Adam flew to Nashville last night.  Mark drove him to the airport and Adam almost missed his flight because 1) he always cuts it close and 2) there was a 9 car accident on the freeway.  Adam called me from the plane.  He said he was grateful Mark got him through it.

I said, "Mark's good in a crisis."

And it's true.  He is steady and easy company.  I'm grateful he's here.

I don't really feel better today, but I don't really feel worse either.  School is a lot this week, so I'm grateful for all the you're not alone, we're thinking of you, I'm praying for you reminders I got this weekend.