Light and heavy, heavy and light

Today's the first day of fall break and my heart feels light thinking about it.

There's plenty to feel heavy about too.

A beloved older lady in our ward who has been valiantly fighting health challenges for years passed away yesterday.

Also yesterday I found out that one of my friends from when I was a teenager has had a fresh tragedy in her already very tragic life.  My heart hurts for her.

It was a year ago that we lost our sweet niece Raelyn in a senseless act of violence.  

I only glance at the news because it is too heavy and I read recently that we are not required to bear witness to all the tragedy on Earth.  That is a freeing thought.

I had a dream a few nights ago that I was writing a letter to a friend of ours who has left the church.  I was all ready to write him something (?) and then my alarm went off and I woke up.  

I rarely remember my dreams, but I remembered this one and I wished that my alarm hadn't interrupted this supposed brilliance I was going to write.

I ended up feeling kind of sad because in reality I had no idea what I would write and we're not really in close contact anyway.

Life can be heavy.

Yesterday my mom sent us some journal entries from my Grandpa Jaynes's desk diary that she'd come across.  It delighted me.  He wrote about going to different events and how he told Thelma (Thelma being my grandma) that she was the best looking girl there.  I miss my grandma.  It made me really happy to see this teeny tiny window into the relationship between my grandparents, especially since I never knew my grandpa.  It made me really happy to think about the fact that they are together and someday I'll be with them and I can get to know (remember?) my grandpa.  Someday I'll hear my grandma say my name again.  I don't know how heaven will work, but I hope my grandma will take me around and introduce me to people as her "little namesake".

Life can be lightened.

I'm grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ that allows for change and hope and reuniting of loved ones.

That's what I'd tell our friend. 

Tipping the scales

Yesterday was one of those days that is so crazy, it is almost (but not quite) comical.

I had sick kids fighting not to throw up.  I have another pink eye outbreak.  Grades are due today and sickness isn't helping me get everything gathered.

I found a student had taken a Chromebook and his expensive school headphones home.  (Luckily his brother wanted to get him in trouble so he told me.)

I had a student jam my Skittle machine and get a bunch of Skittles out.  (It's up on a tall shelf now.  The fact that 3rd graders are short comes in handy.)

This same student tied an elaborate knot with his shoelaces around his upper thigh while they were sitting on the rug.  He couldn't get it undone and couldn't move his leg.  Imagine him rolling around on the floor and everyone else (besides me) laughing along with him.  I was finally able to get the shoe off him and then I untied the knot using tweezers.

I don't even want to talk about the distributive property and how about half of them are just not getting it.  

At all.

Sigh.

Here's what tipped the scales back to make it a pretty good day.

One of my students, whose mother had chaperoned the field trip to the Butterfly Biosphere, brought me this:

She had overheard me telling one of my students the blue ones are my favorite and it was just so kind of her to paint it for me!

Also, a fifth grader who was in my class stopped by after school to hug me, like she does about once a week.

A little kindness is all you need to change your day!

Our principal signs off every announcement he makes and every email he sends with:  make it a great day and go make it a great day for someone else.

I'm grateful for people who do that!

It's going to be OK

Yesterday I added three appointments to my already really (really) packed calendar.  A dentist appointment I had forgotten about (because I set it 6 months ago) was added as well as two additional physical therapy appointments.  It's a lot.

So I keep telling myself it's going to be OK.

Day 1 of only three school days is accomplished for this week.

I'm really (really) looking forward to our trip to CA to see our kiddos.  As a big bonus it will be uninterrupted time with Adam and Mark is coming too!  

Grades are due before I leave on Wednesday and that slightly makes me want to hyperventilate because that feels like a lot, but I pretty much have it in hand, I just have a heightened sense of All the Things right now.

Even when a lot of the things are good things, all the things can feel like a lot.

Yesterday we had a magician assembly at our school which was pretty awesome.  Imagine over 500 kids losing their ever loving MINDS when he produced a rabbit.  It was fun to watch.  They talked about it for the rest of the day.

One of Miriam's students who I work with for reading, is slowly slowly slowly warming up to me.  He spent the first two weeks defiant and unwilling to do anything and I've gradually eased him into working.  Skittles for the win on that one.

I guess what I'm trying to convince myself (because I love wide margins and I don't love a packed calendar) is that a busy life can also be a good one.

Weekend

After a long and tiring week, I had a very nice weekend.

Friday after work we packed everything up, talked about our dinner plans across the cul-de-sac and headed out with us in Adam's car and the Porters in Dave's truck.  Nola texted, "Is there a rest stop anywhere soon?"

Adam said, "In about 30 minutes."

I looked on Google maps and the rest stop was exactly 30 minutes away.

It's like we've driven that road a few times....

We also stopped in Wendover for a classy dinner at Arby's in the truck stop/casino/ Arby's hybrid that is there.

It's a whole cultural experience.

Speaking of experiences, we had flies.

My dad had kindly gone over earlier in the day to sweep/vacuum our flies.  I told him he didn't need to, but he did anyway.  He called me to ask if I had a dust mop.  I do, but I had the head of it with us because I had taken it home to wash.

He texted me a picture of one of his piles of flies which I will not post here because it was that horrifying.  I talked to my dad later and he told me that he'd started hurting too much (since he has, you know, broken vertebrae and ribs) so he stopped working on it.

I said, "I wish you hadn't done any of it!"

He said, "Don't worry, you'll still have a mess to clean up."

And we did.  The four of us each had either a broom or vacuum and tackled the flies.  I asked the Porters, "Isn't this exactly what you would want to be doing on a Friday night?"

Dave said, "This is fascinating!"

Basically, they're good houseguests.

The flies were pretty amazing.  My dad said it was because we had such a wet year.  He said we could either have drought or flies.  I asked if there was a third option.  I guess that is life in the fast lane when you have a log house that you don't live in.  Flies in the fall.

We cleaned everything up and sat and visited until way too late.  

Saturday we visited some more, Adam cooked sausage and we put it in the slow cooker and then we headed over to Marianne's for the watch party.

This is an understatement because I lack the words, but the eclipse was amazing.

Here we are on the deck in our fashionable glasses.

I managed to get one picture of the eclipse using an extra pair of glasses and having Dave push the button on my phone.

I always kind of like it when you experience something that you can't adequately document with a picture.  It feels extra novel.  I don't know; I can't explain it.

We had our brunch (why we brought sausage) that was so wonderful and filling we didn't eat again until an early dinner.  Marianne knows how to throw a party.

We stayed and visited at Marianne's, stopped at my parents and showed the Porters around, then went over and showed them the barn.  It was a regular tour of Thelma's childhood.

We even picked apples in the orchard and ate them.  

In the late afternoon they headed back to Utah.  They were climbing into their truck and Adam said, "I think I'll go mow."

So he did and I took my components over to my dad for the lamp I want.  Geri shared a picture with me originally of a mixer that had been transformed into a lamp.  I have the old Sunbeam Mixmaster that belonged to my grandma.  I bought a lamp kit and took it all to my dad.  He looked at it and said, "Yeah, I can probably do that."

I told him that I really appreciated having someone in my life who I could present my harebrained project ideas to.

My mom invited us for dinner so I went back to the Home Place. We are rebranding it as that which is what everybody else calls it anyway, but I didn't want to because I wanted to be respectful to Adam because it was never his home place, but he said he doesn't care so I probably should have just asked him in the first place.  (I am teaching my third graders about run on sentences and I think I have a candidate for an example of a run on sentence.)

I got Adam and two loaves of sourdough bread to contribute to the dinner.  Ammon's family, Marianne and Robert, my parents and we all had a nice dinner.  We went home and I went straight to bed, I was that tired.

After bragging all weekend about how I hadn't had any headaches, I woke up with a doozy in the middle of the night.  I sat in my chair and read a little and contemplated that maybe this would be the headache that would finally kill me, but it didn't.

I was moving slowly Sunday morning and Adam had to get back to Utah for a meeting so I tried to rally and help get stuff ready, but Adam did most of it.

I was pretty worthless the rest of the day.  Pride cometh before the fall.

Adam and I drove home together, holding hands and talking about the weekend and listening to part of this week's Follow Him podcast.  He had me send a bunch of texts to people about the meeting he was going to.  He had 56 unread texts on his phone that had piled up during the drive.  He is busy and tireless and I'm grateful he is mine!

Grateful Friday

Yesterday was rough.  It was the final day of parent teacher conferences so it was also long.  Some parents have zero regard for details like signing up or coming the time they were assigned.  They just show up randomly and I scramble to get everything in order.  

I think I'm organized ahead of time, but it is always chaotic.

Which is how some of my students' lives seem to be.  I feel a big mixed bag of emotions:  annoyance with the behaviors of the students and their parents who can't GET IT TOGETHER, sadness that things are so hard and confused by the unfairness of it all.

Braeden sends me pictures of QE and she is sitting in a sunlit and clean apartment, looking at books contentedly on their couch.  She is comfortable and safe and loved and protected and surrounded by books.  She is delighted by pictures of Christ and by seeing temples and there has never been a more adored little girl.

People have vastly different mortal experiences and that is all.

Last night I talked to Braeden and he told me that he and Anna were talking about something similar recently.  He said, "I had an epiphany."

When he says that, I sit up and pay attention.  He said that thinking about the hard time Anna had giving birth to QE, it was pretty terrible (and any mother can relate).  He said as more time passes, it feels less and less terrible.  It still happened; it was hard, but living with and loving QE has erased the sting of it all.

He said that helped him understand how it will be when the Savior someday heals us and makes everything right.

For the Lamb which is in the midst of the throne shall feed them, and shall lead them unto living fountains of waters: and God shall wipe away all tears from their eyes.

Revelations 7:17 

 I'm grateful for all this job and this life (and my children) teach me.  

Also:  I'm grateful Adam is currently on his way home and we get to go to Nevada.  Fingers crossed for clear weather because we will have an eclipse passing right over us!  I have a pack of eclipse glasses and I want to use them!

A million chances

Yesterday one of my students quietly told me, "My parents got divorced yesterday."

How I am supposed to respond in the face of news that knocks the breath out of me while I'm in the middle of passing out papers to fidgeting 8 and 9 year olds is beyond me.

I asked, "How do you feel about that?"

He looked at me for a few seconds and then shrugged and said, "Well, I'm still me."

That also kind of knocked the breath out of me.  It was so profound and true!  

Can I hold onto the lessons I learn every day and internalize them?  Can I be like this sturdy child and gather resilience about me because I'm still me?

Can I also get better?  I want to still be me, but also a better version of me.

Yesterday I was listening to the Follow Him podcast while I drove home and they mentioned something about giving people "a million chances."

Yes! I thought.  Let that be me!  I want to give people a million chances.

Then I saw a text message from a mother who told me she wouldn't be able to come to Parent Teacher Conferences because she was too busy.

I felt irked.

I really (really!) need to talk to her.  Her son is struggling and pretty much headed for disaster and I want to help and see what we can do.  He is in crisis and she is too busy?!?

Then I remembered my resolve only minutes earlier to give people a million chances.

Ugh.

I dropped that ball.  I don't know her life.  I don't know the pressures she has and I don't know how stretched she is.  She is probably doing the best she can and I need to show her some grace.  I'm almost always nice on the outside and too often judge-y on the inside.

I am grateful I have a million chances to try to improve.  I need every one of them.

It's a good life

 One day down of Parent Teacher Conferences.  They are exhausting but also good.  It is nice to talk to parents and see my students squirm in pleasure when I tell their parents how great they are.  

(And I don't exactly mind seeing them squirm when I tell their parents what they need to do to improve!)

One of my boys has an older brother who I taught also.  The older brother came to translate for his parents, which is always awesome and impressive.  I told him what his brother was doing really well and my former student said, 'Well, who do you think taught him?"

Then I said what my current student needs to work on and I told his older brother he'd better get busy and help his brother!

When I was leaving the school, a little (or a lot) tired, a man was sitting at a table offering community services to families.  He looked at me with complete sincerity and said, "Thank you for changing the world."

It was so kind!  It is an massive overstatement of what I do, but I felt so seen and appreciated and people are just nice.

I talked to Adam while I drove home and then Braeden and QE called on FaceTime.  Her little face lights up when she sees me and that is all the happiness I need in this world.  I read The Wheels on the Bus to her three times.  She said hello to Emma then she wanted to know where Mark was.  She kept saying, "Mark?  Mark?"

Braeden said, "We'll call him next."

Spreading sunshine, like he does.