Grateful Friday

 I am grateful to be home! (I don't know why I hesitated if I would need to take today off also.)

Surgery is rough.  I had to be at the hospital at 2:00 pm and then didn't actually go back to surgery until 3:45 and we got home at 6:30 pm.  I would have preferred it to be earlier, but no one asked.

I'm grateful it is over.  One more thing behind me.

I'm also grateful for how kind and caring everyone (friends, family, the hospital staff) was.  I'm grateful for modern medicine.  I'm grateful for scientists and doctors and nurses that have devoted their time and talents to healing.  The doctor explained to us before the procedure that he had a tool that would guide him right to the lymph node because of the tracker that was on it.  Pretty remarkable.

The original surgeon I had was on vacation this week so I had a different doctor in the same practice.  He said, "He probably would have had me do this anyway because I do these all the time and he hasn't had as much experience."

I'm grateful I got the experienced guy.

I wasn't given a pain pill prescription and I'm glad because I don't like how that makes me feel.  I was told to alternate Tylenol and Advil.  Adam gave me Tylenol right when we got home at 6:30.  He said he would give me more at 10:30.  I told him I would be asleep and I was.

I woke up at 11:30, in pain.  I got up and got the Advil and sat in my chair.  I reached across with my right hand for a notebook and pen and dropped the notebook.  It fell between the end table and chair.  I could get it with my left arm, but not now.  I looked at it and thought:  that is where you live now.  I got another pen.  I wrote down:  Advil 11:30.  I ate part of a Larabar so the Advil wouldn't hurt my empty stomach and took a drink of water and then got up to go back to bed.

Then I remembered I had never taken the Advil.

I still had enough anesthesia in me to be on the struggle bus! 

I took the Advil and from then on had a pretty restless night.  My lymph node was removed from my left armpit and I am a side sleeper and either side hurt to sleep on.  I know I'll heal though.  This won't be forever.  I'm grateful for my body's ability to heal.

I was not waving, I was drowning

 Oh boy.

I was gone Monday and Tuesday (didn't plan to be gone Monday) and everything was wrecked.  The more consecutive days you're gone, the worse it gets.

There were three computers just missing.  (When I offered candy two were found.)

I have never had a class so abysmal at computers.  They are each assigned a number but some of them just grab whatever computer suits their fancy and it is chaotic, especially if I'm not there to rein it in.

Two handwriting books disappeared.  Again, I offered candy and one was found.  Where could the other one be?!?

(Maybe hiding with the computer somewhere.)

I'm sure it will all turn up, (I didn't empty every desk) but it added a whole element to the day.

I just plain have not had enough time with these children to get our routines established.  Cancer did not ask me for a good time frame.

My students were unhappy that I'm going to be gone again.  They don't know about the cancer--the big reveal will be next week after I get my treatment plan (hopefully!). But I told them I was having health problems and I needed to go to the doctor some more.

One of them asked, "Are you going to die?!?"

I told them no.

Ugh.

There is no way they aren't freaking out when they find out I have cancer.

Miriam and Alissa got me up to speed after school and Alissa said, "You are doing great.  You need to know that you are doing great."

I feel like the hot mess express, so that was kind of her.

Matt also stopped me and said he thought that Parent Teacher Conferences were going to exhaust me.  I hadn't thought about it, but they exhaust me when I am healthy!  He had an idea for how to spread it over more days.

I'm lucky to have so many people helping me and thinking of things for me and just being on my side.

My surgery is later today.  I was hoping for an early call time, but I didn't get one.  The good news of that is that I brought home a bunch of school stuff to work on while I'm waiting to go to the hospital.

I will eventually get everything under control.  Right?  Right?!?

Weights and counter weights

Weights:

I have cancer.  It makes me feel stressed and left behind at times.  I feel sick.  I have to have procedures that are sometimes painful and sometimes uncomfortable and always inconvenient. I can't make solid plans because I don't know how I will feel/if I'll be having chemo.

I am concerned about the illness/injuries of people I love deeply.  They are suffering.

The news.  When the polarization couldn't get worse, it did.  Also I hate reading about the health stuff happening.  A few days ago I saw an article about the funding that was being cut to cancer research.  I have skin in that fight.  I didn't read the article because it felt too stressful.

I want to be at school.  That is all.

I want to be more help to my family.  Just because I have cancer doesn't mean their lives suddenly got easier.  Adam's got a lot harder with a new job responsibility.  

Counterweights:

I have a lot of support and help with my cancer.  Everyone is so kind to me.  Adam and our kids are willing to bend over backwards to help.  They adjust their schedules.  They pick up the slack.  They listen.  Adam recorded a message for his team to watch and he hated doing it and felt super awkward about it.  I asked, "So why did you record it instead of doing it in person?"

He said, "Because I am going to be at the hospital with you."

I appreciate the help I get at school and my ministering sisters checking in with me and my friends and family praying for me and supporting me.  I rarely feel deserving of all the love and encouragement and help I receive.

It rained and the sharp smell of sagebrush came through the windows yesterday morning and that is the comforting scent of my childhood after rain.

In the same vein, we are getting closer to jacket and sweater weather.  Jackets and sweaters are my love language.

I have a comfortable and safe home.  I have a car that works.  I have a job I love.  Even though I can't be there and feel limited at times, I love my job.

Also, it occurs to me sometimes:  I can just be happy.  That is such a freeing and wonderful thought.  In the middle of everything, there is nothing wrong with hope.  There is nothing keeping me from deciding to be happy.

Adam had to be at a work event, but Emma and Mark took care of my convalescence yesterday. (And the procedure was easier than I expected.  It was more superficial than they thought and they just did local anesthesia and no overall sedation.)  My arm is sore, but it could be worse.  And Emma and Mark are pretty great.  Emma and I made a slideshow assigning Disney characters to Brooklyn 99 characters and then we did the same with Mark, assigning Disney characters to Parks and Rec characters.  It was entertaining and I could lie on the couch.

The biggest counterweight I have is my faith in Jesus Christ and my knowledge that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and has a plan for me.  In my weakness, I sometimes drift away from that into a sea of what ifs and woe is me.  I am grateful for the reminders I have to look up, to remember, to seek that peace that I know is there for me. 

  

Feeling poor in spirit

 I had a come apart on Sunday night.  It was not pretty.  

Sometimes it is all just too much for me.  I decided I needed to think it through though.  Are there false narratives making me feel worse?

The impetus to it all was that I felt sick.  I always feel sick, but I felt sicker.  I felt like maybe I shouldn't go to school, especially in light of the surgery and all the things.

And that was super frustrating. 

I like going to school.  I like my job.  I think the worst part of it though, is that I felt like I was letting people down.

And that, I think, is a false narrative that I need to get over.

My sub will actually get paid.  Someone isn't doing me a favor.

I do actually have sick days that I can take.

My students don't need me to be there to be happy children.

When I send my sub plans to my team, someone does need to print them and put them on my desk and maybe pull some copies out of a file somewhere.  It takes less than 5 minutes.

So sick days aren't imposing on anyone, not really.

I need to write that on a sticky note and put it on every surface of my house.

I had similar feelings about being the primary chorister.  I have missed a lot of church and I feel like I'm not on top of things.  I am working below my old capacity.  People tell me that it's OK; I'm doing my best.

All right.  But I hate that.

I stayed home from school yesterday with Mark.  I could do worse.

I talked to my mom and it is good to feel understood by someone who knows the frustration of health limitations.

It's nice to know that being poor in spirit isn't such a bad thing.  It means I'm being humbled.  It means I need to rely on Jesus Christ more.  There's nothing wrong with that.

We went to my school last night and I righted the ship after having a sub.  I pulled out everything I had prepared for today's sub.  I read the sub's notes about how naughty some of my students had been.  I wish I could be there today and I'm grateful that Jamie is going to do math and Maren is going to teach writing.  I hope today goes better.

Today I have my SAVI scout procedure.  Adam is going to take me and be with me and then he will need to leave because he has a work event tonight.  Emma's going to come and take me home and spend the evening.  I need to be at the hospital at 11:45 and they said I could leave at 5:00.  It feels like a bigger deal than I was expecting.  I'm grateful I have a deep bench.

Weekend

 Friday was a rough day physically.  I felt kind of lightheaded all day.  I hadn't slept well and that impacts me.

It was also a pretty good day, full of the ups and downs that make teaching 3rd grade interesting.

One of my students walked in first thing and I overheard her tell another student, "If today was pocket day, I would win."

She showed how her jacket had not only outer pockets, but inner pockets.

We've never had a pocket day; I've never heard of a pocket day.  Now I want to have one though. And I want there to be a prize.  And I want her to win.

I've been reading The Million Dollar Shot to my class.  They were sitting on the kiva and clutching each other in anticipation at the climax and then stood up and cheered.

I love reading to children.  It is one of my favorite pastimes.

I had afternoon recess duty.  The older sister of one of my boys, a sixth grader, came up to me and asked how he was doing in class.  Is he behaving?  Is he working hard?  It's not the first time she has interrogated me.

Another boy came up.  He is rather persnickety.  When I call on him in class, he looks around in contempt at the noise that is always happening and says, "I'll wait."

Like he thinks everyone will get silent for him.

I finally told him that if he wants to say something, he needs to just say it.

Anyway, he came up to me and said, in his imperious voice, "Miss, two boys are fighting."

It was the younger brother and another boy.  The sister turned on her heel and started walking toward him, arms pumping.

Older sisters are amazing.

I got there and she relinquished the scene to me.  I talked to the boys and they said they were only playing.  I didn't really believe them, but they said they wouldn't fight so the older sister and I were both satisfied.

(I'm guessing their mom heard about it.)

On the heels of that, a soccer ball went into the parking lot.  They know they aren't supposed to go get it and most of the boys turned to me for help.  I was walking over there and one of Alissa's boys darted out into the parking lot.  

I took him by the arm when he returned to the playground and said, "You know you aren't supposed to go in the parking lot.  Cars aren't expecting you to be out there and it isn't safe."

He sneered at me and said, "And?"

I said, "And you are staying with me for the rest of the recess."

He scornfully asked, "And?"

I said, "Nothing else."

Then I don't think he knew what to say and I just held onto his upper arm for the rest of the five minutes.  He is naughty and disrespectful, but I'm stronger.  (For now.  The little hooligan.)

After school, the teachers were invited to play pickle ball in the gym.  I for sure didn't have that in me, but I went to watch my teammates and cheer them on.  They finished their match and I got up to go back to my classroom to work and they said, "We're going to play again, but you don't have to stay."

That is the trouble with having teammates who were college athletes.  They're...athletic.  I don't mind though.  They apply all the discipline and hard work that propelled them through college basketball to being great 3rd grade teammates.

Saturday was restful and I also felt angsty because I just want to do stuff instead of get Adam or Mark to help me do stuff.  It is working out OK though.  All part of the fun....

In the evening we went to Night Under the Stars with Dave and Nola at BYU.  It was a dinner and outdoor concert to thank the donors and sponsors of the athletic booster club.  We are neither, but happy to be along for the ride.  The event was on the baseball field.  We had a delicious dinner and then when it was dark, they had this great show with Savannah Stevenson, who was Glinda for three years in a West End production of Wicked in London and has performed in lots of other theater roles as well.  Also, Casey Elliot, a singer from Gentry performed.  They were amazing.  I got super tired, but I also enjoyed it.

It was disorienting when they turned on the lights at the end and we found ourselves on a baseball field!

At church I felt like I needed to sit down every time I stood up to lead the singing for primary (our program is this Sunday!).  I only felt worse as the day progressed.  My immune system is not great and I had congestion and a lot of pressure in my ears and just an overwhelming desire to lie down.  

The presentation of the slideshows helped.  Emma had requested we make slideshows.  Adam and Mark did not, but Emma and I did.  Mine was a presentation about which Disney characters could be characters in Pride and Prejudice. Important work, but it didn't surprise me when Emma's slideshow eclipsed mine.  She had a presentation about two Nepalese men who climbed Mt. Everest then paraglided down, kayaked to the Ganges River and ended up in the Bay of Bengal.  She had maps and pop quizzes and lots of interesting facts about it.

I love having Emma in my life.

Grateful Friday

Yesterday was a little rocky at school.  Everyone was a little off.  A lot of people have ties to UVU and it made the earth feel less stable beneath us somehow that something horrific had happened in our corner of the world.

 If you look for goodness, you'll find it and there are many things for me to be grateful for.

I was in the faculty room, heating up my lunch in the microwave, and Laura, a second grade teacher, came over to me and said, "I feel like I want to give you a hug."

Word is spreading and I'm OK with it.

She looked me in the eyes and said, "We are here for you.  We are your village and whatever you need."

And I know she meant it.

I appreciate so much all the in person and in text and over the phone encouragement and support that I get.  I truly feel undeserving.  Everyone is so very good at reflecting the light of Christ.  Their goodness blesses me.

I also felt better yesterday than I had felt in a while.  It ebbs and flows for no good reason.  I don't know, but I'll take the good days.

Mark had been saving his money and also sold a bunch of Magic the Gathering cards  to buy a new computer.  He had been researching and found what he wanted at Costco.  I had the energy for it and we headed out.  Emma called and we all three got to talk and that is always a treat.  Sometimes, like that, I just feel normal and I like it.  Emma was asking me about some plants a coworker had gifted her and we were talking about propagation.

Mark said, "You guys are a lot smarter than me when it comes to plants."

I said, "No, Mark.  We're just a lot smarter than you." (Gentle parenting was never my strong suit.)

Then Mark started telling Emma about the new computer he was wanting and how it would be easier to do his work for his Excel class and he and Emma started talking about Excel and I didn't know what they were talking about so maybe I'm not smarter....

(I didn't bring that up.)

Mark and I got the computer and some peaches and squash soup (for me) and some gluten free stuff (for him).  We stopped at MOD for dinner and I ate half my pizza so I could take the rest in my lunch today.

I don't take it for granted when I have the energy and wellness to just do things like that.

The best thing I'm grateful about today is that Adam came home last night.  That makes everything brighter.

A lot

 Yesterday was a lot.

First there was the scandal.  "Teacher, the sub read us the book and there was kissing in it!"

(I loved how they kind of blamed the sub for it.)

I had them share the gossip with me.  The main character's mom, who is a widow, started dating the single dad of another friend.  And they kissed.

It was a lot to process.

The second scandal, no less dire, was that a girl was stung by a wasp the day before, also when the sub was there.

At recess.  The humanity!

At varying times during the day it itched or hurt and I kept saying, "That means it is healing." (I had no medical expertise to back up this claim.)

My classroom was hot.  Riley kept coming to fix it and the AC would run briefly and then stop again.

I am unreasonably sensitive to heat right now.  It is part of lymphoma.  Not my favorite part.  (Do I have a favorite part?)

I was also discombobulated after being gone for 1 1/2 days.  It is hard to get your bearings after that.

All of this would have been enough to keep me on my toes all day, but then something truly terrible happened.

There was a shooting at UVU.  Mark wisely, kindly, texted me that it had happened, but he was already home before I had a chance to hear about it from anyone else.

A right wing commentator was there speaking and a shooter shot and killed him from a building where Mark would have been in class if it had happened on Tuesday.  He walked right by where the shooting happened an hour before it happened.

He had several close friends who were in the lockdown on campus that followed.  All the nearby elementary schools went into a secure lockdown (not the kind where you have to hide, but the kind where you keep everyone inside--no recess or leaving the building.  Full stop.)

I came home and hugged Mark tight.

I showed him the photos on the NYTimes and asked him if they were any of his friends.  It is surreal that it happened there.

It is surreal that we live in a country where it happens all the time and nothing changes.  

It is a lot.

Back at it

 Yesterday was a long day.  I felt a lot better as the day went on and I am glad I stayed home for that reason, but I felt antsy to be at school.

And that is a good thing.

School is so physically hard and sometimes I think, "I should just quit and be home."  Really, going to school is a big help to me mentally.  It distracts me and I enjoy it, even though it is hard.

I talked on the phone with Braeden and Mark visited me in my office before he went to class and after he returned home from class.  I talked to Adam a few times as he was driving from Nashville to Atlanta.  

He decided it was a wash time-wise between driving and flying when you considered navigating airports and car rentals so he just drove.

Also, he likes to drive. (I talked to Enoch yesterday and I told him Adam would have been a very happy long haul truck driver.)

He said he wasn't going to stop at Buc-ee's and I acted like I believed him.

He sent me this:

I miss that kid.

I am grateful to go back to school tomorrow and I'm glad everyone there is so kind and patient with me.  I have had multiple nightmares over the years about being home and realizing I didn't get a sub.

Well, that happened.

On Monday night I wrote sub plans and sent emails to people and got everything arranged except for the (really big) detail of putting in for a sub!

Yesterday morning, I thought, "I wonder who my sub is.  I didn't see an email."

Then I felt the sickening realization that I had forgotten to put in a sub request!  I quickly emailed Rachel, one of the secretaries.  She said, "Don't worry.  It's taken care of."

So kind!  I still feel very foolish about it, but I'm grateful for the safety net that cleaned up my mess.

I finally got my procedures scheduled for next week!  Guess what I did first thing? (Scheduled my subs!)

My therapist told me to

 I have a therapist!  I have never had one before, but no time like the present, right?  She is in Florida and we talked over the computer and I really liked her.

I also had a rough day yesterday.  I felt pretty awful.  I called it quits at lunchtime and went home and left my class in the capable hands of the emergency sub/aide at our school.

Later in the afternoon I went to my appointment with the surgeon.  It was at first a little comical.  I heard him go next door into a different exam room and say, "Thelma!  I hear you need some lymph nodes removed."

Except he was in a room with a couple who only spoke Spanish.  I heard them responding in Spanish and him talking about my cancer doctor and I finally intervened and told the receptionist that he thought he was talking to me, but he wasn't.  She sighed and got up from her chair.  Maybe it isn't the first time it has happened.

I went back in my little exam room and I heard him say to the receptionist, "I thought she seemed young for that."

He came in and introduced himself and I said, "I'm the old one."

He looked very awkward that I'd overheard him, but clearly those walls are thin....

He was a nice enough guy otherwise.  He hesitates to remove something that isn't one of the diseased lymph nodes and he couldn't readily feel one.  He said he'd look at the PET scan again and talk to my doctor some more and that made me (you're not going to believe this...) cry.  

It is so frustrating that I feel like I am getting sicker, but nothing is happening treatment-wise.

He handed me a box of Kleenex (I get handed a box of Kleenex a lot).  He was sympathetic and I could appreciate his point of view, but ugh.  

He called me a little while later with a new plan to have a radiologist insert of sort of device that will help them find the lymph node.  He is going out of town next week.  He said, "Is it OK if a different surgeon does that procedure?"

I said yes. The sooner the better and also, Adam is home all next week.  So that is progress.  It isn't fast progress, but at least it is moving.

I met with my therapist for the first time and I liked her a lot.  She told me a lot of the same things that I have been getting from other sources:  one day at a time/think no thought for the morrow/give us this day our daily bread.  Her take was to focus on the here and now.

She gave me homework to plan one fun thing to do every week.  She also wondered if I journal.  I said, "Well, I have a blog."  I told her that I don't really have a big following or anything, I mostly just do it for myself and so my kids can read our family history someday.

She said, "You're other homework is to keep blogging."

I like easy homework.

Today I'm going to rework my reading groups and refine my future chemo sub plans.  I'm going to rest and read and eat small bland meals (which is what my doctor said to do and I think it is helping).  I'm also going to put a pinch of Celtic salt that Molly told me to order from Amazon in a glass of water and drink it over the course of the day.  She told me it has minerals I need and so why not?  I'll think of the strength of my English and Scottish forebearers every time I take a sip.  

Margaret Livingston was the first wife of Archibald Gardner.  They were born in Scotland and crossed the plains to the Salt Lake Valley in 1847.  She has always been an inspiration to me. This is an excerpt from Archibald's reminiscences:

my Wife Driving the horse teem all the way even to over the Big Mountain arriving in the valey on the first Day of October & Marget was Born on the 5 Night or before Day on the 6[.] So you can se what the Lord can Do to Strenthen the back for the Burthen[.]

Margaret was their fifth child and she was born days after they arrived in the valley.  

Maybe Margaret Livingston grew up eating Celtic salt and it made her such a powerhouse!  (More than that I agree with Archibald that the Lord is who strengthens us.)  I've got His help and the salt.  I'm set!

Today I have what I need and I'm going to focus on today.

Weekend

Friday I came home from school spent.  I always come home from school spent on Friday, so that isn't new, but I feel extra spent lately.

Also, when I was driving home, I thought, "Why wasn't I deliriously happy every day I didn't have cancer?!?"

Then I thought about all the things I have that other people may be without and I should be deliriously happy about those things--or at least grateful.

My mind shifts from sad/sick/discouraged to grateful and back again a dizzying amount of times in a day.

When Adam got home we did the I don't know what do you feel like for dinner game which we are really good at playing but not that good at resolving.  Adam usually wins though.  He figures out something I want.  He got out a small rectangle tray and put grapes, Triscuits and two types of cheese on it and presented it in front of me with a flourish.  He said, "It might not be enough crackers, but I have a solution."

He put the box of crackers in front of me too.

We are very fancy on a Friday night.

We remembered that there was a new season of the Great British Baking Show and it made my whole night.  Netflix loves me.

We watched and picked favorites and were not even a little bit surprised by the person who got eliminated because they self destructed from the beginning.

I love the high stakes drama of baking cakes.  It reminds me of my favorite thrill rides at Disneyland:  Peter Pan and Small World.  I was born for gentleness.

Saturday was a restorative day.  We went to the temple and the grocery store (not exactly restorative, but important) and then I had a phone call with my cousin Molly.  She is amazing.  She gave me a lot of good advice and loving kindness.

I feel supported. 

Molly told me that the same power that created my body can heal my body and that that power was Heavenly Father.

I told her that our grandparents must be so happy that their granddaughters are being so kind to another granddaughter who needs help.  Margaret sends me the most loving and supportive texts, Hannah told me in the quavering with emotion voice that sounded so much like our grandma, "I am praying so hard for you!" and Molly is dispensing her wisdom in such helpful measure.  

I spent most of Sunday in power saving mode.  (That sounds better than I did nothing.)

I didn't feel well at all.  I watched church online and fell asleep towards the end.  I feel like I'm getting sicker which is frustrating because I am not starting any kind of treatment yet.

On Sunday afternoon, Adam left for the airport. I usually don't mind so much when Adam goes on business trips, but it stresses me out now.  My baseline emotional state is precarious and he rights the ship a lot.

I'm grateful I have Mark.  When I come home from school, he comes and hugs me and kisses me on the forehead and asks how my day went and he is just this steady and sweet presence in my life.  When he was a little boy, he would randomly say, "Mom?  I love you."  This is the kind of energy he still has.

I'm grateful for Braeden.  He called (FaceTime so I got to see QE).  When he was three and a lot of our stuff got damaged in the moving truck from Connecticut to California, I remember I cried and he brought me his blanket.  This is the kind of energy he still has.  

I'm also grateful for Emma.  She came over yesterday and played some choir music for us that she is arranging.  When she was a little girl, if I ever was missing tape, glue, scissors, a stapler, or anything like that, it was always in that creative girl's room.  This is the kind of energy she still has.

Since Adam had already left, I presented the dinner plan to them:  you're making it.  They found some Trader Joe's shepherds pie in the freezer and it was good.  While it was cooking, they put away laundry that had been languishing in our room and cleaned up the kitchen--putting away the Costco stuff from earlier in the week.  

Everything needs to wait its turn around here.  

Just having them do some stuff like that improved my mood and then just being with them improved my mood too.  

I was settling in with my book after Emma left and Mark retreated to the basement (introverts unite separately).  There was a knock on the door and it was Shannon.  She burst into tears and threw her arms around me and said, "I just heard!"

This is all teaching me how to be a better friend.  I think I would second guess myself and feel like I was intruding, but it just lifted me up.

She came in and sat on the couch and we chatted.  I told her all the cancer stuff and then we talked about family stuff and then we talked about TV shows we have been watching.  It felt good to laugh about my obsession with The Great British Baking Show and this National Geographic show she's been watching about lions.

I don't know.  We might just be middle-aged.

Every day, I get just enough.

Grateful Friday

...the tender mercies of the Lord are over all those whom he hath chosen, because of their faith, to make them mighty even unto the power of deliverance.

1 Nephi 1;20

Yesterday morning, I woke up at 3:30.  I tried to go back to sleep, but I just know how to make my day harder.  I excel at it.

So I was extra tired and prayed, prayed, prayed for help for the day.

Every day, I am helped.  Every day I cannot deny the little ways that add up to Thelma surviving the day.  It is remarkable.

During my prep yesterday I went in Jamie's office and cried.  She listened to me and reassured me and then Maren came in and hugged me.  I am so grateful that I work with some of my honest to goodness friends.  They are these strong and resilient and good and kind women and they hold me up some days.

At lunch, when I was feeling like I still had a lot of day left to go, I saw that Enoch had sent me a reel on instagram.  It was a clip of a talk by Elder Holland and it was 100% what I needed in that moment.

Katie, the school counselor, offered to zhuzh my class charter for me after I told her I was terrible at graphic design.  I said yes please.  She created a nice poster and said she would order it from the print shop for me.  

In the afternoon I had recess duty and an aide said, "Why don't you let me cover your recess duty.  You go get a drink and sit down."

(This is to say I looked as bad as I felt apparently.)

I saw a text from Marie Louise during my sit down.  She was just checking in.  My friends are better than I deserve.

I checked in with Matt (who has been gone) about Melva volunteering in my classroom.  He thought it was a great idea and then we had a conversation about the little blessings we get that help us get through.  He itemized all the things I have in my favor.

(He didn't mention himself, but he makes my list.)

I talked to Braeden on my way home and besides him telling me to quit crying because I would go blind (true: herpes simplex in my eye, made worse by crying), he was as ever, a tremendous help to me.  He is wise and empathetic and what I need.

On my doorstep, there was a loaf of bread from Kneaders (still warm) and a jar of homemade jam from Ami, one of my ministering sisters.

So yes, I had a rough day.  Also, I had a day overflowing with blessings and help.

Inching along

 Yesterday after five phone calls (!) I was able to get an appointment finally scheduled with the surgeon about my biopsy.

This isn't the actual biopsy, but a consultation to "see if the surgeon can do it."

My lymph nodes aren't easily accessible apparently.  To which I say, well, you're a surgeon right?  Dig a little deeper?

I obviously don't understand it all, but I don't need to.  I just need someone who does.

The more tests I have and the more conversations I have about the results, the more confused I get.  It isn't cut and dried.  The tests that hopefully will give the full picture don't.  I am trying (50% succeeding) to not worry about it, to be optimistic, to know that God is in His heaven and I don't need to have it all in hand.

I feel a rising panic about all the stuff that isn't getting done, both at home and at school.

I am used to being competent.  I am used to being on top of things.  I am used to striving and achieving.

And I am not.

I am over here doing the bare minimum and only what is most urgent.  A lot of stuff is falling through the cracks and if I were someone advising me I would say, "It's OK.  It doesn't have to be perfect.  Just do what you can."

But that is really hard advice to take.  

Take it I must, because I am so tired.  All of the time.  Everything is really hard when it feels like you have cement shoes and a cotton ball brain.

I'll keep doing what I can.  I'll keep inching along.

What I learned

 I saw a text message from Marianne this morning:

Did you learn anything?

She meant about my PET scan.  I didn't.  But I think I did learn something.

My doctor was supposed to call yesterday.  I checked my phone throughout the day.  Once school was out, I turned the ringer on and carried my phone with me every time I left the classroom.

He didn't call.

On my drive home, I called the doctor's office.  They said, "He has the note.  He will call you.  Probably at the end of the day."

So I waited.  

I had an increasingly anxious knot in my stomach as the time slipped by.  5:00 turned to 5:15 turned to 5:30.  I wondered when his end of the day was.  Did he make calls after hours?

5:30 turned to 5:45 turned to 6:00.

That's when I knew he probably wasn't calling.  I started feeling mad.  Why couldn't he just call?!?  I know he has the results.  I thought about those rage rooms where you throw dishes and things.  Maybe I needed that.

Then, on the heels of that idea, I stopped.

What if I didn't get mad?  What if I didn't let it ruin my (and Adam's and Mark's) evening?  If I did get mad and cry (I definitely felt like crying) and moaned all evening, it would probably disrupt my much needed sleep, but it wouldn't mean that the doctor would call any sooner.

So I decided to just not.

I still feel frustrated by the entire thing, but I had a normal evening.  We even started watching The Thursday Murder Club (I was too tired to finish it).

So I didn't learn anything new about my health, but I did learn that I am in charge of me.  I can decide where to focus my limited energy.

Weekend

On Friday I had an astonishingly bad day.  I cried (twice) at school.  The first time my students saw me and the second time I was talking to Riley and I have never not ever seen a more uncomfortable person in my life than when I was crying to Riley.

Sigh.

I came home and took a quick nap.

My nurse called about my PET scan.  She didn't have very much concrete or positive to say about my case and made me really feel worse.

My doctor may call today.  I'm trying to manage my expectations.

I drove to Salt Lake City (I called Marianne on the way and cried to her which is way more comfortable than crying to Riley).  I picked up Emma and we headed to Starr Valley.  There was an accident on the freeway that delayed us 2 1/2 hours.

If you're going to be delayed in traffic for 2 1/2 hours, you could do worse than Emma.  Still.  I was just so tired.

We finally got to Starr Valley and I was enveloped in hugs by Adam and Mark and Braeden.  (QE was already asleep.). I loved having our kids there with us.  Both nights they were there, they stayed up way too late talking.  It is a joy to me that they love being together and I love the way they can make each other laugh.

Saturday we went to Elko to the temple open house.  It was wonderful.  I loved being there with everyone.  Olivia hooked me up with a wheelchair which I appreciated.  I can walk fine, just standing in the line was tiring.  

It was neck craning to talk to Enoch sitting in the wheelchair, but I was still very happy to see that kid.

I don't so much take pictures at things like this as take pictures later from my sisters when they post them.  

Olivia hasn't posted any yet, but here's one from Marianne:

Braeden (holding QE), Ammon, Mason, Hyrum, Enoch, my dad, Marcos
Me, Emma, Melanee, Clarissa, Robert, Jennifer, Ruby, Olivia, my mom, Charlotte, Lucette, Savannah, Adam and Mark
Olivia, Deseret, Boston, Marianne, Azure, Omar, Cormac and Ammon

As I texted my family, being in the celestial room with this group felt like the very best kind of foreshadowing.  What a blessing that families are forever.

Mark took this picture of us (I don't know where Braeden and QE were):

We went to the stake center and visited a while, waiting for our lunch reservation.  (We didn't know how long the line would be at the temple, so we went extra early.). Our parents treated us to an amazing lunch at the Star.  Worth all the hype.

I loved so much spending time with QE and I was grateful Braeden had been willing to make the drive.  We read stories and played.  She loved her cousins (Braeden's cousins).  She decided Savannah's whole purpose in life was to be with her.  Azure and Charlotte braided her hair and Lucette draped her in play jewelry at my parents' house.  She was in heaven.

Of course I am always quick to brag about her, but listen.  She is so funny and so smart!

We went outside and she saw that there was a piece of cardboard stuck in the grill of Loki, their car.  She laughed and said, "Look!  Loki has a tooth!"

Saturday afternoon, I took a nap and then we visited at my parents' house then went to Marianne's for dinner.  I was "in charge" of the reunion, which means I made a google doc for food assignments, but we really couldn't have done it without Marianne.  As my mom said, "She has a lot of capacity."

Sunday we had breakfast at Olivia's then church.  Clarissa had asked Emma to be a part of a quartet singing at church because Hyrum was going to do it and he was sick.  My girl can be a tenor.  It was so nice to hear her sing with Marianne and Clarissa and Marcos.  

I saw my cousins Margaret and Hannah and Jordan at church and my aunt Claudia and uncle Demar.  It was good to see them.  Bonus reunion.

Margaret and Hannah both hugged me tight and cried with me a little (also easier than crying to Riley).

Our kids all left and Adam and I remained in Starr Valley.  We had lunch at Marianne's and celebrated Lucette's birthday and visited and just enjoyed each other.  

There's happiness and then there is sitting between my sisters happiness.

Ammon's family left and Enoch's family was about to leave and my dad was about to drive Olivia and Ruby and Charlotte back to Lund, when Tabor showed up.  

Another bonus.

So we all crammed into my parents' living room and visited some more.

(I told Tabor that I really love him because I had been super comfortable in a recliner at Marianne's.)

Adam and I went to our house.  I called Melva, my Relief Society president, because she had texted me and asked me to call.

She said that she'd been praying to know how to help me and she had gone to the temple praying how she could help me.  She said the other night she had the idea that she could volunteer in my classroom.  She worked as an aide at Bonneville for 7 years and she knows the ropes.  She said, "You need help, but I know they don't have the budget to hire an aide."  

I said, "Melva, that is so kind, but you are busy.  You don't need to do that."

She said, "Then why would Heavenly Father give me that idea, Thelma?  Why?"

She talked me into it and I cried because I was just overwhelmed by her goodness.

Later Marianne and Robert and Clarissa stopped by and we visited a bit.  After a while, Marianne said, "You look so tired.  We should go."

She was not wrong, but I wished she was.  I would have loved to stay up late talking and playing the game Clarissa brought.

Monday Adam assembled the stools we brought and we hung pictures.

Emma bought me that print in Snohomish at Joyworks.  I hung it in the green room.

In the blue room we hung the paper I got in Sweden on Midsommar and framed:

I think my grandpa would be pleased to have Swedish stuff hanging there.

Adam did the bulk of the packing up and loading up and we drove back to Pleasant Grove.  Before leaving Starr Valley, we stopped at my parents' house to say good-bye and visit a little.  Adam and my dad gave me a priesthood blessing.  I don't know why I was gifted with such parents and was blessed with such a husband.

But I don't take it for granted.

It was a wonderful weekend and now, back to school. (And back to trying to figure out my cancer: my side hustle.)

Grateful Friday

 My doctor told me he would call me the same day as the PET scan to give me the results so we could get my surgery scheduled.

He didn't call.

I don't even think he works on Friday.

So, if you want to, you know, actually know what is happening in your life, I don't suggest cancer.  

Zero stars.  Do not recommend.

At the same time. I have so much to be grateful for. 

I picked up the mail yesterday on the way home from school and I had a package from my friend Jill, who was our neighbor in Washington.

So kind!

I also got texts from both Nola and Stephanie (friend here, not WA Stephanie) asking if they could bring me dinner today or tomorrow.

I declined both because last night we needed to go shopping (and Adam ended up bringing something home) and tonight we're heading to Nevada.

I was talking to my mom yesterday and I told her that every single tiny inspiring quote or snippet of a song or kind interaction (text or in person) with someone gives me just what I need.  It all matters and it all adds up to getting through the day.

In July we had the capital D Dahl reunion, and this weekend we have the lowercase d Dahl reunion.  It's just my parents and siblings and families.  I'm so excited to see everyone.  Sadly, Tabor and Katie won't be coming because it's hard to travel for Katie, but at least their girls will come.

We are a little more battered than last time we got together, but I think I need to see them all the more.

As a huge bonus, Braeden and QE are coming.  Braeden was talking to my mom a while ago and said he was 75% sure they were coming.

My mom said they were taking everyone to the Star for lunch on Saturday and Braeden said, "OK, now I'm 85% sure."

Basque food + my mom for the win!

I wish that I could energetically get ready for the trip and help more with the undertaking of opening up the house.  I have felt a little bit of dread about it all because it will be so exhausting and I will feel like a lame duck.  

Enter Mark and Adam basically telling me to get over it.  They are gems and don't think I don't know it.

Truth and light

 I am always (always) so tired.  I go to bed tired and I wake up tired.  I always have a sore throat.  I always have pressure/rushing in my ears.  I am sometimes dizzy and sometimes nauseous and sometimes have a headache.

 Still.

I am overwhelmed by the fact that I am doing this.  It is so hard and some days are downright miserable, but I am doing this.  

I have so much help.  Priesthood blessing and prayers sustain me and hold me up.

I am so grateful for my family and friends, their support and prayers.  

Yesterday my cousin Margaret texted me.  She has hard won empathy and I was so grateful to hear from her.

Also yesterday, the school counselor asked me pointedly how I was and I finally told her.  We had such a good conversation.  It merged from counselor talk to talking about prayer and the temple.  (I love living and working in Utah County.)

I felt taller after talking to her.

In John 14, Jesus tells the disciples, "I will not leave you comfortless."

I have also not been left comfortless.

I just got home from my PET scan.  It was a surreal experience.  (All of this sort of is.  I feel like I am living in a Salvador Dali painting.)  The hospital has a brand new PET scan that they share with other facilities so it is a mobile unit.  I walked into a trailer with radioactive warning signs everywhere.  

And then they put the radioactive stuff in me!  Did I light up like a Christmas tree?  I guess time will tell.

The technician was very kind as they all are and I got through it.  Adam took me and then Mark switched him out.

I told them both that I could drive myself and they wouldn't hear of it.

For the rest of the morning I'm going to regain my bearings (eat, for example) and then I will go to school for the afternoon.

Surviving and googling

 I have heard people with health situations say, "I have good days and bad days."

I get that now.

Yesterday was not great.  I don't know why.  If I knew why, I would stop doing whatever that thing is....

I came home from school and had an enthusiastic come apart.

I hate feeling sick all. The. Time.  I hate relying on everyone else to do things that I used to be able to do no problem.  I hate knowing there isn't actually an end in sight for any of it.

Here's something very good that happened though.  My PET scan was approved!  I don't know if I was happier or the lady at my doctor's office was happier because I will now stop calling and asking her if it has been approved yet.

It is tomorrow at 6:30 AM.  I think it will be over in plenty of time so I just got a sub for the morning.  I need to save up all my sub time.

I'm grateful it was approved because moving forward is moving, even if it is slow.  I'm grateful Adam and Mark pick me up and put me back together.  I'm grateful I'm surviving one day at a time.

Besides all of that, 3rd graders crack me up.

Here are some things that happened:

In a story we read, someone was playing the cello.  I wrote cello down on our graphic organizer and they all told me I'd spelled it wrong.

I kept telling them I hadn't and they weren't having it.  It has to be spelled CH, they said.

I had to google it and show them.

There is one little guy who isn't quite on top of things.  He very often gets the wrong computer.  He can't log in.  He can't find the page we're on.  During phonics, I was having them write words.  For example, they wrote a list of -an words and -og words.  I wrote the words on the board that they told me.  Very basic stuff, not 3rd grade level, but we'll work up to it.

With all the angst of someone who thought his teacher was crazy, he said, "That isn't a word.  None of these are words!"

I promised they were.  (They were words like can and tan and frog and log.)

He didn't believe me.

Friends, my work is cut out for me.

I have a very live wire sort of boy who moved here from Columbia last year.  His English is wobbly and his behavior is even wobblier, but he is so cute and charming and I already love him.  

We were doing math and he said, "Wait, is this minus or subtract?"

It kind of stopped me in my tracks.  My brain stuttered.  I finally said, "It is both.  They are the same."

He drew a slash on his white board.  "This?" he demanded.

"Yes," I said.

I admire him so much.  Working hard (and working hard at causing havoc--he is rarely in his seat) in a language that is new to him, but learning so fast.

If they spell the word responsible they will get popsicles.  They earn a letter if they transition quickly or come to the kiva in ways that are civilized and I erase a letter if they don't.

It's been pretty hard fought, but they are close.

My little Columbian friend was really encouraging everyone yesterday and saying, "C'mon!  We want to get popsicles!"

Then he said, "Miss?  What is popsicles?

I tried to explain and he was mystified.  I googled it and showed him a picture.  He said, "Ohhhhh!"  Then he spoke rapid fire Spanish to no one in particular.  

I would like to know how anyone was a teacher before google.

Journeying

 On Sunday my mom told me about Marianne's Relief Society lesson and I've been thinking about it ever since.

Here's what Nephi said in 1 Nephi 17: 

And so great were the blessings of the Lord upon us, that while we did live upon raw meat in the wilderness, our women did give plenty of suck for their children, and were strong, yea, even like unto the men; and they began to bear their journeyings without murmurings. 

Laman and Lemuel had had the same experience and this what they said: 

... we have wandered in the wilderness for these many years; and our women have toiled, being big with child; and they have borne children in the wilderness and suffered all things, save it were death; and it would have been better that they had died before they came out of Jerusalem than to have suffered these afflictions. 

I have thinking about how I can be more Nephi and less Laman and Lemuel.

Here are my blessings from yesterday:

My classroom was pleasantly in the mid 70s all day.

A student brought me a peach that had been "picked yesterday."  It was SO good.  I got peach juice all over myself, but it was amazing.

Even though I didn't sleep super well (anxious about the PET scan--lack thereof), I had energy to survive the day.

Even though the internet was down and all the teachers were walking around before school with crazy eyes, we pulled together and figured out stuff to do sans internet.

And the internet came back by lunchtime.

I walked with Kim, which was so nice.  It's been over a month.  

Rod got home when we were chatting in their driveway so I talked to both of them for a few minutes.  We have such good neighbors.

Adam came home and made an amazing dinner.

Weekend

 Friday at school was kind of awful.  I felt very tired and just run down.  At one point my students across the room were talking and I knew that I needed to get up and walk over there and do something about it and I just didn't have it in me.

I called my dad for his birthday and he told me that Tabor had set up the desks in Katie's classroom to accommodate her wheelchair.

I told him I thought a wheelchair sounded pretty good.

I called my doctor's office after my dad and found out that my PET scan had been denied once again.  I decided I don't have the emotional energy to be mad about it, so I'm trying not to be mad.

I missed Adam and felt discouraged and vulnerable.  

That carried me into Saturday.  I had planned to go to the temple, but I thought, I will just cry.  Nevertheless, I still wanted to go.  I considered that temple workers I know are very kind people and they wouldn't mind.

Later in the afternoon, Emma texted me and asked me how I was doing.

I texted her that my tag had been sticking out of my temple dress and someone fixed it and then another lady told me my slip was wonky and then another lady told me my dress was tucked into my sock.  Then I saw Jamie, who was working in initiatory and she hugged me and I started crying.

I texted Emma that I was sorry.  Maybe it was like when someone asks me about the weather and I start talking about high pressure systems.  Maybe I should just say fine.

Emma texted back that that was the level of detail she wanted.

She's the level of daughter I want.

Besides being the hottest mess at the Mt. Timpanogos temple on a Saturday, I'm glad I went to the temple.  I exchanged feeling lonely and discouraged and vulnerable for reassured and loved and empowered.

Not a bad trade.

Instead of feeling vulnerable that my fate is in the hands of the deciders at United Healthcare, I can feel safe because my fate is in God's hands.

I napped and Mark and I went grocery shopping and he did the laundry and I folded it.  I got ready for primary.  

Adam woke me up and hugged me and kissed me when he got home late on Saturday night.  Then he said, "Go back to sleep." And I did.

I'm glad he's home!

I feel weird at church, because a few people know I have cancer and a few people suspect "something is wrong with Thelma" because I canceled YEN and have bowed out of a few things.  It's not that I am super secretive (hello blog) but it is awkward to tell people and manage their reactions.  Especially because I cry.  (So I'm not really managing my own reaction too well either.)

I decided to tell Cortney because she is my "boss" in my primary chorister job and also my friend.

I told her I have cancer.  She said, "NO!" and threw her arms around me and held me tight.  The executive secretary came in the primary room to talk to her about doing her child and youth protection training and she didn't let go of me, but held out her hand to him and said, "I can't right now."

He backed away like she was a lioness and he didn't want to get swallowed.

Cortney let me go and said, "Tell me."

I don't know.  It felt like the reaction I needed right then.  Sometimes you just need someone to hug you and not let go.  Sometimes you need a lioness.

Still

Even when I get plenty of sleep I still come home so tired.

I am still waiting for my insurance to approve my PET scan so we can move forward.

I still have to figure out what is for dinner.

It is still really hot (recess duty in the upper 90s isn't anyone's favorite).

Children still bring you sickness.  Miriam has a full on cold and my immune system is weak.  I came home with a sore throat and a knot in my stomach about it.

I am still trying to get through one day at a time.

I still have good books to read.

My chair is still comfortable and so is my bed.

Our fridge is still working since Mark and Adam fixed it.

I'm still praying, but I think my prayers have shifted a little.  Instead of begging please please I can't, I'm saying, OK, but please help me.

Still.

Planners gotta plan

 Yesterday I asked Matt if I could talk to him.

He said, "Yeah, what do you got?"

We were surrounded by people in the busy work room.  I said, "Can we have a conversation?" 

He said, "Ohhhh," and followed me to my classroom.  (My students were at PE.)

If you need a hype man, may I suggest Matt?  He is exactly who I need.  He told me that he has worked with a teacher and a secretary who had cancer and chemo.  He laid out his plan for how to handle it.  It felt...doable.  He said, "I'm concerned about your health, but I'm not worried about any of this."  He gestured around my classroom.  He said, "The entire school is your team and we've got this."

He also told me that my students would learn a lot of empathy and that was probably more important than anything else I could teach them.

When I was at the doctor's office on Tuesday, Adam told him, "She's not sleeping."

Dr. Chipman scooted his wheelie stool a tad closer to me and asked, "How are we going to get you to sleep?"

I don't know.  Tell me I don't have cancer?

He prescribed an anxiety medicine.  When I got home yesterday I told Mark I had been prescribed anxiety medicine and we would have to go get it when it was ready. (I was planning to take some of my nuclear option migraine medicine so I wouldn't be driving!)  He said, "Well that's about 52 years too late."

OK, but it is here now.

Marek was over and he very earnestly said, "I think anxiety medicine is a good idea."

Yesterday was Mark's first day of school for his semester at UVU.  I said, "I should have milk and cookies or something for you for your first day.  Milk and gluten free cookies."

Marek shrugged and said, "Well it's OK you don't have cookies, because I'm here and I'm gluten free."

And he is.  I love Marek.  My quirky kids collect quirky friends and I'm not sad about it.

I slept long and well last night.  I feel less anxious (and I didn't even take the anxiety medicine because I had taken migraine medicine and I didn't know if they'd get along).  I will save the anxiety medicine for coming days.  

I know there will be coming days.  It's not like this is going to be easy.  I just feel so grateful that it is feeling more and more doable.  As plans start to fall into place I feel like I have a new lease on life.

I need plans!

Buzz buzz

Jesus, Savior, pilot me 

over life's tempestuous sea 

unknown waves before me roll, 

hiding rocks and treach'rous shoal. 

Chart and compass come from Thee 

Jesus, Savior, pilot me. 

As a mother stills her child, 

Thou canst hush the ocean wild 

boist'rous waves obey Thy will 

when Thou say'st to them, "Be still!" 

Wondrous Sov'reign of the sea, 

Jesus, Savior, pilot me. 

When at last I near the shore, 

and the fearful breakers roar 

twixt me and the peaceful rest, 

then, while leaning on Thy breast, 

may I hear Thee say to me, "

Fear not, I will pilot thee."

We sang that hymn in church a few weeks ago and it has been rolling around in my head ever since.

I had my appointment yesterday to go over the results of my tests.  I have a form of lymphoma; I will need chemo.  That sentence is a lot.

(Coincidentally...I can't sleep.)

It has been hard to still my mind ever since.

Jesus Savior, pilot me.

I was feeling stressed on Monday because my doctor appointment was Tuesday afternoon and I still didn't have a CT scan scheduled and my bone marrow results weren't in.

My doctor's office wanted to just cancel the appointment.

I asked them to keep it.  Adam is leaving today and I REALLY wanted him there. 

I texted my family and asked them to pray.  I needed a little miracle.

Chart and compass come from Thee.

My insurance approved the CT scan and I got it done yesterday at 6:45 AM.  I wasn't even late for school.

By lunchtime, my results were in and I could proceed with the appointment.  I was so grateful.

Now (once it is, you know, approved) I will have the PET scan.  Then I will have a biopsy of one of my lymph nodes to really narrow in on what kind of lymphoma I have.  From there, the chemo plan will be formed.

Unknown waves before me roll.

So here we are with Thelma having a buzzing mind.  My planner brain is reacting like a spoiled child.

Imagine me as a toddler crying, "But I want to know what will happen!

Yet, here we are.

Increasingly, even though I've already been trying to, I need to take one day at a time.

Give us this day our daily bread.

I need to double my efforts.

I need to still my mind and heart.

Wondrous Sovereign of the sea,

Jesus Savior Pilot me

Weekend

 Friday morning, my class was seated on the kiva (which I love, btw) and a guy from the district came in with a big heavy ladder to tell me he needed to fix the speaker.  It was right next to the kiva and as he was setting up the ladder, right by my students, I said, "We have recess in 5 minutes, how about then?"

He agreed.

I took my class outside and he did his thing and was gone by the time we returned.

Then the volume no longer worked on my AppleTV/projector situation.

And it was kind of a tragedy because logging into computers for the first time was an entire ordeal (children were in tears) and some of the logins didn't work and some of the computers hadn't had their summer update.  (Don't get me started on school district tech people....)

To try to right the ship, I decided we'd watch an episode of Little Lunch.  They're less than 15 minutes and I thought it would restore everyone's good feelings.

Except the volume didn't work and it made everyone more upset.

So I told them stories instead for a few minutes.  My students always love the one about me getting a horse for my birthday when I was about their age.  It is just unbelievable to them and their eyes boggle.  I tell them about how he was old and used to belong to my grandma.  I tell them about how I tried to take care of him--I explain about curry combs.  It is all just way out of their experience.  Then I tell them, in very dramatic fashion, I might add, about the time he ran away with me when I was riding him and there was lightning.  They sigh in relief when I tell them he ran right to the barn and stopped.

After school, I went in search of help for the volume problem.  I found Matt and Riley out in front of the school, just finishing getting children on their way.  I said, "This is just the brain trust I need."

Riley immediately said not him because his immediate response to every request is a solid no. 

But they followed me to my classroom all the same.  (One thing I love about Matt as a principal is that when there's a problem he dives in to fix it.  Always.  He reminds me of my dad like that.)

On the way, I told Matt, "I'm still getting emails about the SCC (school community council) and since I'm on the leadership team, I'm off the SCC right?"

(I'm in favor of less meetings.)

Matt said, "SCC-"

And then he and Riley in unison said, "You know me."

I said, "You two are such nerds.  I take back what I said about you being my brain trust."

Riley stood on the kiva to reset the Apple TV and I said, "Aren't you glad I have that kiva?"

He rolled his eyes and said, "I would rather drag a ladder in here."

He will never admit that I made the kiva work, but I'll never stop reminding him it does.

I love my school. (And they fixed the volume.)

Our kitchen looked like this all weekend:

Because who has more fun than we do?

The drain in our refrigerator was frozen (did you know a refrigerator has a drain that can get frozen?  I've never had any cause to know how a fridge works).  Adam and Mark emptied it and stuck a little space heater inside to thaw it and it seems to be working now.

We had stake conference.  I went to a dinner with Adam before the Saturday evening session.  We had a visiting authority who was from Tropic, UT.  He was the stake president when Tabor was the bishop in Boulder.  We made that connection.  I heard him say to Adam, "He's really big and has a handlebar mustache?"

Yep, that's the one.

President Porter spoke on Sunday morning and I think he decided to give the talk that Thelma needed.  It was all about prayer and was so good.

Emma came over and we had a weird dinner of random things because we hadn't gone shopping (not the best idea to go grocery shopping when your fridge doesn't work).

Adam went bishoping and Emma and Mark and I played Monopoly Deal.  I annihilated them and then I said, "I don't want to play anymore.  I feel really anxious."

Emma immediately hugged me and said, "What can I do for you?  Right now?"

I said, "I guess listen to me."

I lay on the couch with my feet in Mark's lap and Emma sat on the floor next to me.  They listened and said the right things.  Then we started talking about extended family and laughing and telling stories.

It was what I needed.

I feel grateful.  I love my job.  I have a fridge that (hopefully) works now.  I have really great kids.  I have a husband who is everything.  I am OK.

Unfortunately nighttime Thelma has a harder time swallowing the I'm OK pill.  I slept terribly.  The one thing I need most!  Maybe when this diagnostic phase is over, I'll be able to sleep better.  

I need to remember that I am getting better at not freaking out.  I'm a work in progress.

Grateful Friday

 Yesterday was a hard day.  The exclamation point on the day was that my PET scan was denied by my insurance and all the effort I had gone to figure out sub plans for Monday was in vain.

Sub plans the first weeks of school are no joke.  They can't do anything independently and it takes so much effort to figure out what a sub could do with them and then you have to write an explanation.

But my PET scan was canceled.

I felt frustrated and in the end, just depleted.  Living one day at a time is all well and good, but it is exhausting and kind of miserable too.

I talked to my people and everyone gave me bolstering words.

I decided to make a little dent in some school stuff and I was working on some google slides.  They didn't look good--graphic design eludes me as a talent.  Adam was late at work, but I called Emma.  I shared the slides with her and she said, "Oh, that is easy."

I said, "Not for me."

She said, "Well that is why you have me."

She fixed them up literally before my eyes.  It was amazing.  She made them look way better than I could do.

Before I went to bed, that little win wasn't enough to overcome the heaviness of the day.  Everything felt too hard and out of my ability to cope with.

I went to sleep eventually (Adam read to me and that helps--I am a toddler).  I woke up at 2:30, hurting everywhere from just tension in all my muscles.  Since my ring ding biopsy, my hip hurts and I can't lie on my back or seem to get too comfortable.  The tension in my neck and shoulders are old friends that make everything more...fun.

I stretched and prayed and listened to a meditation.

I opened up my phone and saw that my mom had sent me some good quotes.

I listened to hymns.

One of the quotes from my mom had referenced a talk by Elder Wirthlin.  I got up and read the talk.  I copied down scriptures and thoughts in my journal.

I am writing this in the 4:00 hour; I need to get ready for school in a few hours.  I'm going to be tired (I'm tired anyway).  Still, my soul feels soothed.

One day at a time is doable, even though it isn't my favorite.  I feel grateful for people who pray for me and listen to me cry and hug me and send me quotes (Marianne even sent me a picture of a fortune cookie message the other day), and read to me and cook me dinner and help me make my google slides look better.

I'm grateful for all the people at school that help and support me.  

I am grateful for my Savior, Jesus Christ. I keep reading about how He understands and how He knows how to succor His people.

I don't know how it works, but I believe I have felt His power in my life.

I also don't know how sunscreen works, but it keeps me from getting sunburns.

I don't have to understand everything.  

First day of school

 Here's how my classroom looked on August 7 when I first walked in:

This is how it looked yesterday morning when school was about to start:

I think yesterday was maybe one of the hardest days of school I have ever had.  I felt just really truly awful.  My hip/incision hurt and I just felt dizzy and nauseous and tired.

And the first day takes so much extra energy that it is nothing short of a miracle that I made it.

So many people are praying for me--and I'm praying for myself--and I know that I am being helped each day.

Matt and Riley brought in two swamp coolers which helped me survive the really hot day and my really shoddy air conditioning.

My students are adorable and pretty well behaved.  There are some chatty kids among them, but we'll work on it.

Maren was in my classroom after school and we were getting all prepared for her to take my class today while I had my PET scan.

The doctor's office called to say that since they hadn't been able to receive authorization yet from my insurance, I needed to reschedule.

So I needed to re-figure out today and what I'm going to have Maren do on Monday.  Also, the appointment is later on Monday so I'll have to miss more school.

My best just has to be enough right now.

I told Adam that maybe someday I'll look back on this time and say, "Wow.  That was amazing. What a crazy time that was."

I took a nap on the couch straightaway when I got home.  I ate dinner and went to bed.  After a solid 9+ hours of sleep, I feel way better than I did.

One day at a time.

(If I write that a lot it is because I remind myself of that 12 million times a day.)

Floating along

 Yesterday I got thoroughly drugged up for my biopsy.  It wasn't general anesthesia so I could still breathe on my own, but I was out of it!

I felt it a bit, but not too much.  I don't remember going back to Adam, but there I was.  

I was lying there for a while and then I encouraged him to switch with Mark, who was ready to switch.

It is a really big work week for Adam.  Poor guy.  He has major things happening in his life besides me.  Mark came and they released me.  

I felt very woozy.  I tried to do a little school work on my computer.  I moved my book over by me so I could read, but I mostly half slept, half didn't.  

I hate that feeling.

My incision started to hurt and I remembered that they had given me a paper at the hospital about taking care of myself.  I remembered that there had been complicated instructions about taking Tylenol, but I didn't remember what they were.  I was too tired to go get the paper and I considered texting Mark and having him bring me the paper, but I decided in the end to just take two Tylenol and figure out the complicated instructions later.

I had a hair appointment that I didn't want to miss so Mark drove me to it.  Before we left, I looked at the paper to see the instructions.  It made me laugh.

They were not complicated at all.  They are what is on every bottle of Tylenol.  

This is why we don't do drugs, kids.

I got my hair chopped because my classroom is hot and I was tired of my hair.  

Another day in the books, I tried to sleep, but I think last night could be in my personal hall of fame of worst nights.  I had bad dreams about my bones cracking and dreams about being left behind.  I was stressed about feeling ill prepared for school and stressed about not feeling up to school and stressed about not sleeping because what is my actual problem when the thing I most need is sleep?!?

Ugh.

Looking at my photo of my discharge paper, I wonder if the first day of school requires important choices, alertness or balance....

I won't sign any legal papers.

I did it

 One day down.

Yesterday was back to school night.  We had professional development meetings all day.  Somewhere during the day, the hospital called me about my bone marrow biopsy (which is today).  I thought I would just get it done then head to work to continue getting ready for the first day.  I thought wrong.

They told me that I needed to fast because I would be sedated (not general anesthesia, but something).  I need to stay for two hours for observation and then have someone drive me home.

I said, "So I thought I would go to work after...."

She said, "Oh, no.  You can't.  You can go to work the next day."

My mind started spinning and went into superdrive.  I had stepped out of the meeting to take the call and when I was walking back, I saw Matt.  I told him and he said, "OK.  No problem.  I'm not worried about that."

I said, "I am."

He said, "I don't mean I'm not worried about your health.  I'm not worried about you being gone tomorrow."

That was what I was talking about too.

I went and grabbed stuff from my room to work on during the meeting and I majorly triaged what needed to be accomplished and what didn't.

Let's just say nothing is very cutesy.

But I don't really like cutesy anyway.

My team offered to help, but I know how busy they are.  They shared a project for the first day that I handed off to Jamie to prep for me.  (Which she did with lightning speed.). 

They all said to text them if I thought of something today I needed them to do.

I can't imagine doing this without the wonderful people I work with.

It was 83 degrees in my classroom by the time we wrapped up back to school night.  I felt awful.  I was dizzy and weak and...hot.  

Right before it started, I prayed and just asked for all the help I could get to make it through the night.  I needed energy and I didn't have any.

My prayer was answered.  

One day at a time.

I met my students and their parents and they are adorable.  I especially loved seeing the little brothers and little sisters of former students who are now in my class.  I have the third brother in one family and they are maybe the best family in the world.  I loved having the first two boys as students.  They are incredibly kind and loving to each other.  They work hard and are just good.  Their parents don't speak English.  Having the oldest son translate, the mother told me her concerns about the current student and asked me to please send home anything she could do to help him at home.  She looked at me so hopefully that I just wanted to hug her.

I will do my best!

I will try so hard!

When it was over and I finally got to my car, I called Adam and burst into tears.  Because I want to try my best, but what if my best is kind of lame?  What if I can't give everything I want to these sweet children?

Adam was on his way to meet with someone in his bishop capacity, but I went home to Mark.  He hugged me and we chatted.  He told me all the same things Adam had about how my best was good enough.  He said, "You work really hard and can accomplish a lot.  Sometimes you will be tired though and that is because your body needs you to rest.  So you can't just power through."

I said, "But that puts a burden on you and your dad."

He said, "Should I apologize for having diabetes?  Or celiac? Because that puts a burden on you."

That kid!

I had no idea when he moved back home how much I would need him.  He knows what to say and gives really good hugs too.

I slept for 10 hours and I guess today will be a resting sort of day as well.  I will keep praying and keep trusting that I can make it through these days.  One at a time. 

I know how much I have to be grateful for.  Besides all the love and support from near and far, I had a red pen leak yesterday and I had red ink all over both hands and my chin (Miriam told me) but it did not get on the white blouse I was wearing.

Miracle.

Weekend

 Saturday morning, I had the thought that I should talk to Marie Louise.  She is my dear friend and she has been through things.  Also, she is British and has a zero nonsense keep calm and carry on approach to life.

She uses the phrase "get on with it" often.

Saturday afternoon she texted me about family history.  I started texting her back, but decided to call instead.

I said, "I was going to text you, but it was too long of a text, so I decided to call."

She said, "Well I'm driving so I can listen."

I started telling her about everything and before I knew it, she was in my driveway and then on my doorstep.  

We were still on the phone.

She hugged me and said, "This is not a club I want you to be a member of."

I agreed.

We sat down next to each other on the couch and she listened.  I knew that she had cancer, years ago, and I guess I assumed it was breast cancer or I just made that up, but she had lymphoma.  She told me, "I'm not going to sugar coat it.  It was rough."

I would be surprised if Marie Louise sugar coated anything.

And here she is, on the other side.

I still don't know what I have or what the prognosis or treatment or anything are.  (There is a word for it:  scanxiety.  I think it is a perfect word.)  So her experience may be totally irrelevant to mine, but I still felt comforted by her.  She is an angel and I'm so grateful she is my friend.

I reminded her of when her husband was having serious health problems and she called me and said, "I'm telling you this because you're my friend.  I don't want a signup going around Relief Society."

Before she left, I reminded Marie Louise of that conversation and I said, "This is the same as that."

She said, "Well, that goes without saying."

She came over Sunday afternoon to work on family history.  When she was leaving she asked, "Can Adam drive you to your appointments?"

I said yes.

She said, "OK.  Because if it turns out he can't, I don't want you to 'be strong'.  Call me."

I feel so fortunate.  I mean, cancer, but I have so many people who love me and are praying for me that I feel fortunate.  

Mark's friend Marek is a regular visitor around here.  On Saturday, he asked me how I was doing and I went ahead and told him.  I figured Mark would tell him anyway and he is over often enough, he should know.

His eyes got big and he said, "Whoa.  I wasn't expecting that."

"Sorry," I said.  "You were probably just wanting me to say fine."

Then I told him that it showed how I felt about him that I wanted him to know.  I said, "You're like part of the family."

He said, "Well, thank you."

This morning I woke up to a text from Mark letting me know that Marek had asked his parents to put my name on the prayer roll at the temple.

I am really trying to get through one day at a time and not spin my wheels with worry and what ifs.  I am not good at it.  It's kind of like learning a new instrument, I guess.  There will be some sour notes.

All this love and support is helping though.  The prayers matter.

***

Today is back to school night and I will meet my students.  I feel nervous about managing school, but I will apply my one day at a time strategy to it too.  I will do my best.  I am excited to meet my students.  I have learned from the special ed teacher that a few of them are fighters.  Mark told me I should just have them sit together and fight all day.

I probably won't do that....

One step enough for me

I don't necessarily want to write this post because I don't want this reality, but at the same time, I want to keep a record of my life and also writing for me is processing.

In late June--after we returned from our trip--I had a physical like a good girl.  I had elevated white blood cells and more tests and appointments followed.  I spent a lot of time freaking out and stress googling and  it got me exactly nowhere.

I had an appointment this past week and learned that I do indeed have cancer.  It isn't clear which kind.  I have a bone marrow biopsy and a PET scan next week.  I am dreading both, but will be grateful to have answers. So I am grateful that I have them scheduled.  

I am stressed about a lot of things.  For one thing, I am a planner.  It's my whole personality.  This process of waiting and do I/don't I have cancer was excruciating and still is while I wait to know what I have/what the treatment is.  I have a really good imagination and it is really good at going to worse case scenarios.

I am worried about the school year.  This is pretty terrible timing.  (My PET scan is on the second day of school--not ideal.)  Also, I don't feel well and have a lot of fatigue.  Guess what takes A LOT of energy?  Teaching 3rd grade.

Like Matt said though, "Is there a good time for cancer?"

I said, "Well, not the first week of school."

So that's all a lot.  

But I also have so much to be grateful for.  I have a safe and pleasant home (in a pleasant grove no less) and I have health insurance and a doctor that I like.

Those things alone are absolute luxuries and I know this.

Even more important to me is my extensive network of people who are supporting me and loving me and praying for me.  

I mean, I have an adorable six year-old nephew praying for me.  What a blessing!

Adam is beyond words in the support department.  I don't know how I got so lucky.  Our children are loving and helpful.  Adam and Emma and Mark went with me to my classroom and worked for several hours.  I am grateful for my larger family and all their encouragement and love and prayers.  

My sisters have both offered to drop everything and come to my side.  I like the birth order.  I'm nestled between these two pillars who hold me up, one on each side.

Friday at work I repeatedly lied through my teeth when people asked me how my summer was.  (I guess it was only a half lie, the beginning was good...)  I told some of the people (principal, vice principal, my friends) and I think I maybe cried to all of them.  

Good news, everyone has Kleenex. And since I had texted Jamie the night before, she told me she purposely wore waterproof mascara.

First thing Friday morning, my friend Maren came in my room and told me that she is working on a master's degree and needs a classroom to student teach in (she's the ESL coach).  She asked if she could use my class.

It felt like a tender mercy.  I told her what was happening with me (tears, hugs, Kleenex) and I told her that having her helping me would be amazing.  What a gift.

It reminded me of the widow in the Bible who fed Elijah and never ran out of meal and oil.  

Having Maren help me in my classroom may be just enough to get me through.  I also asked Maren to take my class for part of the second day of school when I'm gone. 

It would be as big of lie as the one I told (over and over) that I had a "great" summer, if I said that I am able to remember gratefully all the blessings I have all of the time.

I falter.  I shrink.  I cry.  

I am scared.

Adam told me that if he was going to devise a torture contraption for me, it would be the past several weeks.  Uncertainty and nothing to do about it.  

Even so, I have faith.  I know that I have been helped in my life and that I have no reason to believe that I won't continue to be helped.

I know in whom I have trusted.

Lead, kindly Light, amid th'encircling gloom;

Lead though me on

The night is dark, and I am far from home;

Lead thou me on!

Keep thou my feet; I do not ask to see

The distant scene--one step enough for me.

John Henry Newman 

Austin

Another picture from our hotel in San Antonio.  I loved that place!

 Yesterday we went to the Alamo again and were mostly really confused about their system.  We went to go inside the church and the guy said we needed to go get a ticket.  So we walked across the way and requested 2 tickets (they were free) and he printed out a receipt and we walked back over to the first guy.  It felt bizarre.  If the point is to control the number who enter, can't you just get one of those little counters to click?  We understand the gist, but also don't feel like we have a solid grasp on what exactly happened there, but it was broiling hot and we didn't stick around to read everything.

We ate at a restaurant on the riverwalk that made table side guacamole.  It was so good!  

We headed back to Austin, stopping at a Buc-ee's.  I bought a Halloween shirt.  I have more teacher/holiday themed shirts than I should, but it was irresistible especially with the "put a spell on me" which reminded me of the theme song of the podcast The Shrink Next Door. Mark and I listened to that podcast the summer he was diagnosed with diabetes and it got us to and from a lot of doctor appointments.

A woman on Adam's team, Liz, lives in Austin.  We went to dinner and hung out with her a little bit in Fort Worth last year.  She met up with us for dinner at Terry Black's BBQ.  I had a few bites of meat, but mostly sides.  We really like Liz and it was fun to have dinner together.

Our final stop of the evening was the bridge on Congress Avenue where bats fly out at dusk.  I tried to take a video of it, but it failed to really capture it.  I kind of like it when that happens.  You had to be there.

We are staying at a Sonder apartment in Austin.  It is nice and roomy and will be a good place for me to hang out while Adam is working all day.  Still working my way through back to school online training.