Weekend

My weekend was a roller coaster, but a really gentle one.  The highs weren't too high and the lows weren't too low.

Chemo was not anyone's favorite, but not terrible either.  I was feeling good about things because I was managing 150 ml/hr pretty well.  Adam asked the nurse what they wanted it to get to and he said, "400 ml/hr."  Wow.

Once I got to 250 ml/hr, I had an allergic reaction: itchy throat and ears and tingling around my lips.  They stopped everything and gave me more steroids and Benadryl and saline.

Then they said that they couldn't give me any more steroids or Benadryl so they were going to call it off.  I still had 10% of the drug in the IV bag and that stressed me out.  Don't I need all of it?!?

I still needed to do the other chemo drug so they hooked me up to that.  Mark came along and he and Adam and I played cards at a table set up for just the purpose.  The nurse came over and checked on me periodically and it felt slightly surreal, but also nice to be sitting around a table, playing cards.

The chemo drug went down swimmingly and didn't take too long.  They told me they wanted me to come back in on Monday for more lab work and possibly more fluids.  I got the feeling that things weren't going well.  It was stressful.  Two nurses said I had "a lot of disease" in my body.

I was nocturnal again--steroids will do that to you--and I felt stressed about my apparent lack of success at chemo.  Saturday morning, my chest hurt and it was hard to breathe, especially on the stairs.  I called my doctor's office.  Someone is always on call.  At my appointment, my doctor had said, "We want you to call.  It is what we've signed up for."

It happened that my doctor was on call so I got to talk to him.  He hadn't been there Friday so I was able to get reassurance from him that what happened to me does happen occasionally and that it wouldn't change "the bigger picture."  He said that if my chest got worse, to go to the ER, but it would probably be OK.

And it was.  It didn't get better fast, but it didn't get worse.  He said I probably had extra fluid around my lungs.  

Who has more fun than cancer patients?!?

I realized that things not going how I expected is another reminder that cancer is complicated and out of my control despite my illusions.  It is clearly a lesson I need to be reminded of and often.

Janet and I text back and forth our experiences.  Geri called me; I talked to Erin.  Marianne and Olivia called.  I talked to my parents.  I feel loved and that matters so much.

I love that I can go months and even years without talking to Erin and then we talk and I feel like we are back in room 1111 in Budge Hall.  Bless that computer that matched us up as roommates.

I watched Norah's funeral on zoom.  How I would have loved to be there, sitting in the cousin section, surrounding them with love.  She is the daughter of my dear cousin Hannah and her husband, Jeff.  Hannah and Jeff both spoke at the funeral and it was about as uplifting as a funeral could possibly be.  I have been impressed by their actions at every stage of this tragedy and the funeral was no exception.  They both expressed their love for Norah as well as their love for the Gospel and their knowledge that they would see Norah again and that Heavenly Father has a plan for all of us.  They know that Jesus is the Christ and it makes all the difference.

Adam and our kids went to the temple to do baptisms and then (at my suggestion) they went and got Chinese food because I don't like Chinese food and it was their big chance.  They didn't argue with my logic.

Adam and I went to Winco when they got home.  I want to take little walks and I thought Winco could be my walk. 

It was exhausting!  I leaned on the cart and walked really slowly and I don't know how it could be that tiring, but I guess you need platelets in your blood after all.  

I still think it's good for me to move a little bit.

Our neighbors, Kim and Rod, brought over dinner.  Rod is the cook and he is amazing.  The dinner was incredible.  I feel so blessed to be surrounded by kindness.

I slept 10+ hours Saturday night and I woke up with more fatigue than I thought possible.  My body was just heavy.  I am grateful that nausea hasn't been too much of an issue.  I have a bunch of anti-nausea medicine and it is doing the trick.

Sunday was mostly just a blur.  I slept and did a few things, but was too tired to focus for very long.  I've really never felt anything like it.

Last night I slept another 11 hours.  Today I am going back to the doctor for more blood work and hopefully I will feel a regaining of energy, because the plan was to go to school tomorrow.

I hope my body is on board with the plan....