Grateful Friday

 The Buddy Bench on the playground is for a kid to sit on if they don't have anyone to play with.  Then, hopefully, some kind kid will notice and invite them to play.  Sometimes when I have recess duty I sit on the Buddy Bench.  It always invites a conversation, usually with the odd duck children that don't have a lot of friends. 

Yesterday a boy sat by me. This followed:

Me:  How are you doing today?

Boy:  I am great!  I am going to play Fortnite with my brother tonight.

Me:  That sounds fun.  How old is your brother?

Boy: 23

Me:  I have a son who is 23.

Boy (looking at me with wonder and skepticism in equal measure): What video games does he play?

Me:  I am not really into video games.  I don't know the names.  I know he does like video games though.

Boy: What's his name?

Me: Mark

Boy:  Well, my brother is named...John...so I don't think they're the same person.

Did he think they were the same person?!?

Me: No, I don't think they are the same person.

Boy: Wait, did your son serve in the army?

Me: No.

Boy:  Well my brother did.  I don't think they're the same person.

He finally trotted away to go find something else to do.  I thought about my mom, since I have been thinking about her all the time.

It occurred to me that if my mom was at recess duty, she would always find the odd ducks and collect them around her and be their buddy.  My mom would hold court on the Buddy Bench.

If every day I try to do what she would do, I think I will be pointed in the right direction.

I'm grateful for her example.

Fog, but lighthouses

 I would definitely say I was in a fog at school yesterday.  I was so incredibly tired and a bit nauseous and dizzy.  I didn't know where the chemo aftereffects ended and the grief started, but I was struggling.

During math I kept transposing numbers and making simple little mistakes.

Luckily 3rd graders are very forgiving and I have a sign on my wall that states:  Mistakes Are Proof That You Are Trying.

They recite it to me when I make mistakes and I gratefully thank them.

Despite the fog, there were lighthouses, which every foggy day needs.

My team wrapped me in hugs, multiple hugs.  They had gifts for me.  They are truly the best.

On Tuesday Bonneville had sent me a beautiful plant, delivered to our house and at school Camie threw her arms around me.  Shawna did too.  Courtney stopped me in the hall.  The nurse checked in.  Elementary school faculty and staff are the biggest supporters you'll ever want or need.  I am sure of that.

There was a small collection of teacher appreciation gifts on my desk from my students, leftover from last week.

Maybe one of the best things about the day was the way some of their faces lit up when they saw that I was back.

Me too kiddos; so glad to see you.

The loudest decibel

 I have been tasked with delivering the eulogy at my mother's funeral.  I spent a good part of yesterday working on it. 

If you think I'll be able to give it without crying, you're wrong.

I need to figure out how to do that and then I need to figure out how to get through something as monumental as losing my mom...

...without having my mom to talk it over with.  

Hannah sent me this and I know she knows what she is talking about.

Mother dear, I love you so

 Yesterday our sweet mother peacefully passed away to the next life.

Everything felt upside down.  I felt low physically already and then I felt like I had no idea what to even do or think about.

I had a good cry and then Adam and I went to my doctor office for IV fluids.  While there, my dad and siblings and some nieces (and maybe nephews?) were on a WhatsApp call.  I handed Adam my phone and told him to represent me.

He came back after a while and handed me the phone and said, "You want to be a part of this."

It was incredibly healing to be there on the phone with everyone.  We sketched out plans and laughed a little bit and expressed love a lot.  I felt very grateful to be a part of my family.  I'm grateful for my good parents.  I'm grateful we love each other.

I had a hard time sleeping.  Adam read to me and I was able to sleep some, but at about 2:00, I gave up.  Around 3:00, I texted my sisters.  I didn't know what time it was in Ghana, but I was guessing daytime.  I also figured Olivia might be awake.

4:00 AM found me on the phone with both sisters.  

I am glad that I already had today off.  I'm going to go to school for the rest of this week and then next week I'm going to take some more days off and go spend time with my family.  It is what I long for right now.

One thing I'm going to do today is go through the mail.  Adam and I picked it up yesterday.  There were two birthday cards in my mom's handwriting peeking out of the stack, one for me and one for Adam.  She was so sick, but she hardly missed a beat of what mattered to her.

Sunday afternoon, Braeden and his family had a short FaceTime with my mom.  She told QE that she'd sent her a birthday card.  She said, "There's a paper airplane in it.  Your dad may have to refold it a little but then it will really fly."

My mom was good at making paper airplanes.  She could make them really fly.

She was also good at making her children and grandchildren feel like they could really fly.  She buoyed us up.  She believed the best of us.  She expected us to rise to her idea of us.

It takes my breath away how much she will be missed.

Weekend

 What I thought would be a sit in my chair all weekend scenario, turned into a family weekend.

Tabor and (niece) Olivia were in Utah on Friday so they stopped by chemo to visit me.  We went to lunch after and then they came to our house to visit until their next doctor appointment. They still have plenty of appointments and insurance fights since their accident and I admire their tenacity.

Saturday my mom took a turn for the worse and we decided to go to Nevada and visit my parents.  I felt a little trepidation because of chemo, but we forged on.  Emma and Mark went too, in a separate car so Emma could go back earlier (in time for her choir practice).  

Adam and the kids did everything to set up our house and unload the cars and I was very much a lady of leisure.  

We missed Marianne and Robert, but saw some of their kids--Desi came from Wendover and Hyrum from Provo.  We visited with Olivia and her boys and my cousin Hannah and saw my uncle Demar and aunt Lora.  And of course, we spent time with my parents.

Sunday evening we were driving back to our house and Adam asked me how I was doing.  I said I felt like I was watching myself from a ways away.  Everything is blunted from chemo.  

I could not keep my eyes open past 7:00 PM and I woke up this morning at 6:30 AM.  I had a text from Alissa asking about a school question and I have zero idea.  None.  

Today we're going back to Utah in time for me to get an infusion of fluids to hopefully perk me up a bit.

I feel grateful for family and grateful we could come to Nevada.  I'm grateful for the steady presence Adam is, always taking care of me and making things possible.  I'm grateful for my good parents.

At your service

 I have no medical training, but I am called on for many a medical quandary.

Pretty much if it is any skin malady, I offer lotion.  It almost always helps the itchy, sore, bug bitten skin my students have.

Also band-aids.  So many band-aids.

Then there are the hypochondriacs.

My leg hurts.  

My response is always the same.  "Go sit down.  Don't move.  You rest that leg.  If you need a sharpened pencil, tell me.  Don't get out of your seat."

It never really lasts.

Yesterday a student said it hurt her mouth when she opened it.  I told her to go do her iReady lessons.  I told her, "Good news, you don't need to open your mouth to do iReady."

If they would all stay in their seats and keep their mouths shut, imagine how much we could accomplish!

Another student showed me her arm (that looked approximately like an arm).  I failed to see the problem and she was deeply offended and acted like I owed her money.

I said, "What do you want me to do?"

"I don't know!" she huffed.

Later she tied a sling out of her sweatshirt and wore it all day like that.

They expect me to know things, even when all indications (have some lotion and go sit down and do your work) would make it clear that I don't really know much about medicine.

I had recess duty yesterday and three students called me over with such urgency that at first I thought someone was hurt.

They were standing near the map of the United States that is painted on the blacktop.  "Which one is Arizona?" they asked.  They were having a heated argument and all three of them were incorrect.

I showed them Arizona.

Then they wanted to know state after state.  One of the boys wanted to know where the Patriots were from.  How about the Miami Dolphins? Where are the Bills from?  I pointed out all the states and one of the students said, "You're really smart!"

They rapid fire quizzed me and I knew all the states to their everlasting appreciation.

They need to stick to questions like that and not expect me to know what to do about a sore arm.

Speaking of medical things I don't know about, I have chemo today.  My last one that has an asterisk in my brain, because is it the last one?  I don't know yet.

I'll sit down and do my work and maybe put some lotion on....

That's all I got.

My people

It is Teacher Appreciation Week, which means we have treats in the faculty room and occasionally something from students.  One of my students made this for me.  His mom emailed it because their printer wasn't working.  He has autism so he doesn't always chat with me or express a lot, but this card he made me speaks volumes.  I've read them three Ramona books so far and they love them and I love them and I felt seen with this card he made.

We finished Ramona the Brave yesterday and they voted for the next read.  One of the options was the next Ramona book and another one was the next Humphrey book (among others).  Humphrey won by one  vote and the students who voted for Ramona were bugged.

I said their whole lives there would be elections and the person they voted for may not win, so they needed to learn to handle it gracefully.

One of them said, "We can say, 'aw shucks, maybe next time.'"  They nodded in agreement.

Imagine if third graders could help certain unnamed people with that attitude....

Especially after a long weekend, my students have a lot to share.  Yesterday morning I called them to the kiva.  They were bleary eyed with the new time change.  I told them the announcements and we said the pledge.  One of them raised her hand and said, "My grandpa is dying."

I said I was so sorry to hear that.

Another one raised her hand, "I had a smoothie yesterday."

(Which feels like the next thing to say when someone has shared some sad news?)

I said, "That sounds...good."

Suddenly they all wanted to share.

"I had a head-ache yesterday.  A heavy head-ache."

"Someone in my family is dying and they have kids."

"I went to St. George."

"My brother broke his arm."

On and on they went, telling me their things.  They are my people and I am theirs.  I am glad I get to read to them and I'm glad I get to tell them to get over it when they lose an election.  I'm glad I get to see them rise to big and small occasions.  I'm glad I get to be the one to hear their stories.

A good day

 Olivia and I had a conversation the other day about how, for us, a good day was one where we were productive.  We aren't opposed to relaxing or recreating, but the best sort of day is one where we are productive. 

(I think you can't be Coralee Dahl's daughter and be otherwise.)

We're a lot of fun....

Anyway, yesterday was a good day!

I had a robust to do list and I did everything on it!

I had lunch with Alissa and Maren at Marley's (neither of them had ever been there).

I had a good blend of productive meetings and productive head-down-getting-stuff done (sub plans!).

The weather was gorgeous and Kim and I took a walk after school.

I told Mark that I would come home way more relaxed if I always had teacher work days.  I guess I just don't know to what end I would be doing the work....

(And I like it more when the kids are there anyway.)

Weekend

 We knew our fridge was on the struggle bus and Adam had ordered a new one (to be delivered this week), but on Friday morning, when I pulled out my lunch to take to school, it felt decidedly not cold.  I tested the temperature inside the fridge and it was a balmy 60 degrees!

I went to school knowing that I had a project ahead of me.

In another chapter of I never know what will happen at school, we read a story about Garrett Morgan, who invented gas masks and improved traffic lights.  They wondered, like they always do when we read a biography, if he was still alive.  He was born in 1877, so I had them help me do the math to figure it out.

Since he would be 149, I told them that he wouldn't be alive still.

Hands shot up.  The kids who are studying the Old Testament for Come Follow Me this year had to report that people used to live older.  They rattled off the ages of Adam et al.  

OK, OK, but most people don't live that long....

After school, Mark and I pulled everything out of the fridge.  We put condiments in coolers and threw everything else away.  Two garbage bags full of eggs and cheese and meat and dairy products and good leftovers and gross leftovers that no one was going to eat anyway.

It was sad. And for the 1200th time this week alone, I felt very grateful for Mark.

We went to JCWs for dinner.  He convinced me to go there so I could get a peanut butter milkshake to soothe my sore throat.

I had a sore throat which is kind of what-else-is-new, but also annoying.

It didn't take too much convincing because I know those are Mark's favorite GF burgers and I owed him one (or 1200) and also he wasn't wrong about the peanut butter milkshake thing.

We came home and I was tired so I went to bed early.  My throat kept getting more and more sore.  During the night it turned out to be the worst sore throat of my life.  It was only on one side, but swallowing was excruciating.  I texted Adam and he was still awake.  He called me and I couldn't really talk to him, but he told me to gargle with salt water and take medicine and he made me feel better by being Adam.

I did everything he said and was able to sleep.  

Saturday I woke up with a less sore throat, but with feeling generally sick.  Achy and tired and miserable.  Cue pity party of one because I had saved up a bunch of stuff to do Saturday.  And also on the list was figuring out food for the following week that didn't need a refrigerator.  Mark and I were going to go to Costco and Trader Joe's and figure out a freezer heavy meal plan.

I felt very discouraged.

Mark bucked me up like he does.  He kissed my forehead and said to give him a shopping list and that I should rest.  I said he couldn't go to Costco.  He said, "Then I'll go to Walmart.  I can get what we need."

He is just helpful and solid and loving and I don't know what I'd do without that kid.  

I talked to my mom on Saturday.  She is on hospice and there is nothing easy about her life right now.  Despite that, she usually just wants to know how I am.  I cried and told her all my self-pitying circumstances and she was sympathetic.

I also told her that her example means the world to me.  Every time I talk to her, besides her telling me how good my dad is to her, she tells me that every night she prays for the Savior to be with her.  "And He is."

I don't know why she has to suffer and I don't know why any of us have to suffer, but I know and I have always known that my mom is one of the strongest people I know.  Her life has always been one of service and faithfulness and she is no different now, even though she can't do the things she used to do.

Since both my sons and Adam thought I should (and who am I to disagree with the men in my life?), I went to urgent care Saturday night.  It didn't feel exactly like strep throat, but it felt miserable and if it was something that I could get an antibiotic for and feel better, sign me up.  

I was tested for strep, Covid and influenza and they were all negative.  Sigh.  Not that I wanted any of those, I just wasted a trip when I would rather be tucked under a blanket.

Sunday I stayed home and watched church remotely and had a little less angst about it all.  I know that wishing things were different is never going to help.  I need to find ways to thrive in the hand I've been dealt.  As Marie Louise would say with her British/Australian accent, I need to "get on with it."

Emma came over for dinner and we had frozen pizza which is the best idea I could come up with in our refrigerator-less state.  We played Qwixx and talked and I always enjoy my time with Emma and Mark.  

Adam went to church in Birmingham, Alabama and I think he enjoyed it.  I enjoy living vicariously through him.  He narrated the countryside he was seeing while he drove.  He talked about someday going on a road trip like that with me.

Some day.

Grateful Friday

 I am grateful my grades are more or less in hand.  I have a few last minute assessments happening today and then I can post those grades.  Third quarter, in the books!

I am grateful for the pretty pictures Adam sends of where he is in the world.  I can live vicariously through him.

I am grateful when things work.  There are plenty of times when I try something at school and it doesn't work, so I'm grateful for when they do work.

My students were getting a bit lax on their iReady lessons--the third grade didn't reach their goal of lessons passed for February.  I decided to make it a competition and whoever gets the most lesson this week will get a prize.  A boy who didn't do a single iReady lesson the entire months of November and December is leading the pack with 16 lessons, just this week!

Another random thing that is working is to set a timer on an app on my phone and set it in front of one of my students.  He works for seven minutes and then gets a two minute break.  It's like magic and why didn't I do that in September?!?

I am grateful I don't have to go roller skating.  Last night was Bonneville Night at Classic Skating.  At recess some of Alissa's girls wondered if I was going to go.  I said no.  They were shocked, "But why not?!?"

I said, "I don't really know how to roller skate."

More shock, and also a lot of advice, "You can just hold onto the side, that's what I do."

Also, they tried to entice me, "They also have laser tag!"

I didn't tell them, but Classic Skating was the last thing I wanted to do.  Three cheers for being an adult and just saying no.

The final thing I'm grateful about is having Mark around.  He is helpful and good company.  I especially notice how much I rely on him for everything when Adam is out of town.  What a gift to have him living with us right now!

Reminders

 Sometimes I wonder if I want to keep teaching.  Even without all the cancer stuff, this year has been hard.  (Actually I don't know.  I can't separate the two.)

I have some hard students and when I don't feel well, I get a sense of defeat about the whole thing.

I want to say, OK.  I give up.  I'm going home.

Yesterday I had a few reminders of why I don't want to quit.  During math, we were doing Word Problem Wednesday, which is what we do the second half of the year.  Every Wednesday I tell that the reason we do Word Problem Wednesday is that in their lives as grownups, they will never have to do math worksheets and they won't have a math workbook.  They will have situations that are basically word problems.

As we worked our way through the problems, I realized, "They are getting these!"

And their exit tickets showed me it's true.  (There were a few exceptions--there always are.)

I live for moments like that!  Moments where they get it!

During our reading lesson, there was more of the same.  We were working on context clues and I loved seeing their brains figure out the meanings of words and idioms.  

What a gift to be able to be at the front lines of children making connections and learning new things!

At the end of the day, when they bursting out the door after the bell rang, one of the girls called over her shoulder, "Bye Mrs. Davis!  I love you!"

I love you too.

It isn't meant to be easy

I had a rough night's sleep last night, which is the last thing I need when I am fighting fatigue so hard.  Adam is leaving today for a week long trip and that's never fun.  He'll be back just in time for my chemo.  Between now and chemo, I have grades that are due and I need to plan for four sub days.

And then there's the whole cancer thing that messes with my mind.  Good news!  Last chemo round!  But then what?  Did it work?!?  What is next?  How long will my remission be?

All unproductive things to wonder about at 1:00 AM, but there you have it.

This morning I read this by President Nelson:

 "...life isn't meant to be easy....Victory comes only to those who muster the faith to stay on the track--the strait and narrow way."

It is validating.  This isn't meant to be easy.  I'm not living life wrong if it isn't easy.

Also, what does victory for me look like?  I don't think victory means a perfect life, free of troubles.  If it comes only to those who muster the faith to stay on the track, I guess staying on the track--the strait and narrow way, will lead me there.  I'll figure it out eventually.

I can do hard things.  I have survived lots of hard days.  My own prayers and the prayers of others on my behalf have sustained me thus far and I don't foresee them drying up and ceasing to work.

So onward.

Weekend

 We had a wonderful time!  I am glad we were able to go to California to spend time with family and be there for the blessing of our little YP.  

Top ten things from the weekend:

1- walking hand in hand at the farmers market with QE

2- buying QE some really good strawberries at the farmers market when she wanted a snack (California is constantly showing off).

3- witnessing the great parents Braeden and Anna are--I love the way they pull together

4- being in mild and verdant and fragrant California 

5- holding YP--he is so snuggly!

6- Adam and Mark took excellent care of me at every turn

7- reading to QE

8- sharing the love with Anna's parents.  I like them so much and we all like our shared family so much.  It's a lot of love and I'm here for it.

9- the way QE kept lifting my arm to listen to my watch tick during church

10- family time--it was great to be with Geri and have lots of time with Adam and Mark and Braeden and Anna and those adorable grandchildren!