Weights and counter weights

Weights:

I have cancer.  It makes me feel stressed and left behind at times.  I feel sick.  I have to have procedures that are sometimes painful and sometimes uncomfortable and always inconvenient. I can't make solid plans because I don't know how I will feel/if I'll be having chemo.

I am concerned about the illness/injuries of people I love deeply.  They are suffering.

The news.  When the polarization couldn't get worse, it did.  Also I hate reading about the health stuff happening.  A few days ago I saw an article about the funding that was being cut to cancer research.  I have skin in that fight.  I didn't read the article because it felt too stressful.

I want to be at school.  That is all.

I want to be more help to my family.  Just because I have cancer doesn't mean their lives suddenly got easier.  Adam's got a lot harder with a new job responsibility.  

Counterweights:

I have a lot of support and help with my cancer.  Everyone is so kind to me.  Adam and our kids are willing to bend over backwards to help.  They adjust their schedules.  They pick up the slack.  They listen.  Adam recorded a message for his team to watch and he hated doing it and felt super awkward about it.  I asked, "So why did you record it instead of doing it in person?"

He said, "Because I am going to be at the hospital with you."

I appreciate the help I get at school and my ministering sisters checking in with me and my friends and family praying for me and supporting me.  I rarely feel deserving of all the love and encouragement and help I receive.

It rained and the sharp smell of sagebrush came through the windows yesterday morning and that is the comforting scent of my childhood after rain.

In the same vein, we are getting closer to jacket and sweater weather.  Jackets and sweaters are my love language.

I have a comfortable and safe home.  I have a car that works.  I have a job I love.  Even though I can't be there and feel limited at times, I love my job.

Also, it occurs to me sometimes:  I can just be happy.  That is such a freeing and wonderful thought.  In the middle of everything, there is nothing wrong with hope.  There is nothing keeping me from deciding to be happy.

Adam had to be at a work event, but Emma and Mark took care of my convalescence yesterday. (And the procedure was easier than I expected.  It was more superficial than they thought and they just did local anesthesia and no overall sedation.)  My arm is sore, but it could be worse.  And Emma and Mark are pretty great.  Emma and I made a slideshow assigning Disney characters to Brooklyn 99 characters and then we did the same with Mark, assigning Disney characters to Parks and Rec characters.  It was entertaining and I could lie on the couch.

The biggest counterweight I have is my faith in Jesus Christ and my knowledge that I have a Heavenly Father who loves me and has a plan for me.  In my weakness, I sometimes drift away from that into a sea of what ifs and woe is me.  I am grateful for the reminders I have to look up, to remember, to seek that peace that I know is there for me.