There's Hard and Then There's Hard

It is not easy to home school.

It's a lot of work in fact.  It's hard emotional work. 

Because your kids matter so much to you, it feels like a Big Deal.  Sometimes it feels like the weight of the world is on your shoulders.  And sometimes your shoulders don't feel strong or wide enough.

But then there's this year.

This year, everything is different.  My plan had been for Braeden to cut his teeth on a little junior high then go to high school full time. 

I hated the plan.

I hated thinking of life without my boy by my side.  But I accepted my plan.  It felt right.

Then I had to have a new thought.  I'm not sure it originated in my brain because if it did, what was I thinking?  I broached the topic with Adam, Emma, my sisters, my parents, Janet.  "What do you think of Emma going to school next year, to sixth grade?"

I prayed about it.  Adam prayed about it.  Emma prayed about it.

We all thought it was a good plan.

We started the wheels in motion.  She tested to be in a highly capable class with her bff Freja.  I secretly hoped she wouldn't make it.  We'd shrug and say, "That was that." And I'd keep her home.

The day we got the letter, I was sad.  She was accepted.  And thrilled.  (I would have been sad either way, because she would have been disappointed.)

So she's off.  They're both off.  I feel sick every time I think about it.  I know that today it's going on the school bus and tomorrow it's going to college and I don't know how I'll be able to stand that.

I will.  Because I'll have to.

But I don't like it.

There's a lot that you don't know about motherhood before you embark on it.  No one tells you how bone wearying and demanding it can be.  Or if they tell you, you don't believe them.

The worst secret, the one you can't imagine when you first feel your warm receiving blanketed bundle in your arms, is that someday, you'll simply work yourself right out of a job.  This little soul that you'd do anything for (and that claim is sorely tested) will someday leave.

If you did your job right.

Where's the fairness in that arrangement?

I know I'm a little dramatic.  Or a lot.  Braeden will only be gone for part of the day.  I'll still see them.  Plenty.  I'll somehow figure out how to do this whole Back To School Shopping thing.  (I'll drive my friends crazy with questions.)

And I still have Mark.

The other day, he told me that he was glad Braeden and Emma would be gone.  He said, "I'll have Mark and Mom time.  Those two won't be around to bother us."


Mark's a lot of compensation in this world.

OK, OK.  He looks like this now.

He's still my baby though.