Thinking outloud

A night last week I couldn't sleep.  Well, it was actually the morning.  I can always fall asleep at night and then sometimes I wake up around 3:00-4:00 so I can worry like it's my job.

I'm good at it.  I hate to brag, but I am a world class worrier.  I worry about things that I need to take care of.  I worry about things I have already taken care of (was that done well enough?) and I worry about things that I have no business worrying about.

I finally gave up on my bed and went out in the school room and got on my computer.  Maybe there was something there?  And it turns out there was.

I read this blog post.  One line stuck out to me like it was highlighted in neon green:

"Life is a control freak's worst nightmare."

That is Truth with a capital T.

The message to me was to stop being a control freak.  A lot of anxiety in my life is caused by me worrying about things that I have no control over rather than me calmly tending to what I do have control over.

My desire for control comes from a desire for peace and security.  I think if I can just fix everything and ensure everything is right then I'll have a guaranteed level of serenity.

Not true.

For one thing I can't fix everything.  For another thing, I'm barking up the wrong tree.

Last week, Adam was home from work and we took the opportunity to go to the temple.  It is always a source of peace and perspective for me.  When I am sitting inside the temple, I find myself wondering how I can keep that feeling always and how I can let it permeate my life more.  By controlling more things?

I don't think so.

I've also had this rolling around in my head lately, a quote by Lorenzo Snow:

If you are on a moving train of cars, as long as you sit still and occupy your seat that train will take you to the point you wish to go; but if you step off the cars it will be dangerous, and it may be a long time before another train will come along. It is the same with us—if we are living right, doing our work, we are going along, and if we are keeping our covenants, we are doing the work of God and accomplishing His purposes...

What I need to do is just stay on the train.

So there is work involved in staying on the train.  I need to keep doing what I'm doing.  I don't need to be the train conductor though.

I can stay up at night, losing sleep hatching plans, but that won't make me the train conductor.