First I will start with my wisdom.
I decided to change the kind of milk we drink. It's a big step I tell you and Braeden may not come home when he finds out. We've been a strictly skim milk outfit but I bought 1%. It was languishing on the refrigerator shelves. No one uses much milk around here at best and this stuff was not moving.
I bought Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Lucky Charms. Emma and Mark got heart eyes and were amazed because I never buy that stuff.
Then they realized they had to use the milk.
Then I felt like Solomon.
Identifying with Solomon was fleeting because I am clearly not solving the other problem.
And its name is squirrels.
They are the bane of my summer existence! I have a cage to protect my tomatoes and zucchini and I moved the petunias to the deck which seemed to be working. They have set up residence by my front steps and they are not even a little bit afraid of me. They get apples off our tree and taunt me by leaving half of an apple on the front steps.
Some other squirrels that are more apprehensive about humans live in our rock wall in the backyard.
They get in our garage whenever the door is open.
I am tired of them.
Mark said maybe they were here first and we are the invasive species. Maybe. But I have opposable thumbs so I win.
Mark and his friends all have airsoft guns and like to wear armor and pummel each other with plastic BBs. I thought it was a good opportunity for them to use their weaponry. I promised them payment (pizza?) if they would shoot the squirrels. I basically hired hit men.
Cole shot and hit a squirrel and sort of stunned it and Mark hit a squirrel as well.
They didn't go away.
I also got an idea that seemed akin to Donald Trump's mean tweets, sort of childish. I filled a cup of water and put it by the front door. I told Emma and Mark that if there was ever a squirrel on the front steps, they were to fling the door open and throw the cup of water on the squirrel. Mainly just because I wanted to make the squirrels unhappy.
We didn't see them for several days which was kind of disappointing because I was all ready with my cup of water.
Mark gloated that he and Cole had gotten rid of them.
The other day I was pulling into the driveway and there were two squirrels on the front steps. (And I wasn't in reach of my cup of water!)
I alerted Mark and he ran and got his gun and tried to shoot them but missed. I said, "Mark, you are a terrible shot."
(My children have plenty of self esteem, don't worry.)
He said, "It's this gun. It's not that accurate. Cole's gun is a lot better than mine."
(I'm not getting him a new gun.)
Yesterday there was a squirrel on the deck! Eating petunias! We have picked most of the apples to reduce the squirrels food source (seriously, if I didn't have squirrels to battle I wouldn't know what to do with all my free time). I called Mark who got his gun. I stood by the stairs and Mark shot the squirrel. He was at REALLY close range and definitely hit the squirrel twice and the little monster was completely undeterred. The squirrel would run over to the stairs and I would stamp my feet and scare it away so there was no escape but then it ran behind the BBQ and made a flying leap down to the stairs and escaped.
I told Mark he needed a more powerful gun. An inaccurate weak-sauce gun is great if you're shooting your friends, but squirrels eating my flowers is another thing entirely.
(I may be getting him a new gun.)
I wonder if the squirrels would leave if I offered them Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Lucky Charms?