Feeling poor in spirit

 I had a come apart on Sunday night.  It was not pretty.  

Sometimes it is all just too much for me.  I decided I needed to think it through though.  Are there false narratives making me feel worse?

The impetus to it all was that I felt sick.  I always feel sick, but I felt sicker.  I felt like maybe I shouldn't go to school, especially in light of the surgery and all the things.

And that was super frustrating. 

I like going to school.  I like my job.  I think the worst part of it though, is that I felt like I was letting people down.

And that, I think, is a false narrative that I need to get over.

My sub will actually get paid.  Someone isn't doing me a favor.

I do actually have sick days that I can take.

My students don't need me to be there to be happy children.

When I send my sub plans to my team, someone does need to print them and put them on my desk and maybe pull some copies out of a file somewhere.  It takes less than 5 minutes.

So sick days aren't imposing on anyone, not really.

I need to write that on a sticky note and put it on every surface of my house.

I had similar feelings about being the primary chorister.  I have missed a lot of church and I feel like I'm not on top of things.  I am working below my old capacity.  People tell me that it's OK; I'm doing my best.

All right.  But I hate that.

I stayed home from school yesterday with Mark.  I could do worse.

I talked to my mom and it is good to feel understood by someone who knows the frustration of health limitations.

It's nice to know that being poor in spirit isn't such a bad thing.  It means I'm being humbled.  It means I need to rely on Jesus Christ more.  There's nothing wrong with that.

We went to my school last night and I righted the ship after having a sub.  I pulled out everything I had prepared for today's sub.  I read the sub's notes about how naughty some of my students had been.  I wish I could be there today and I'm grateful that Jamie is going to do math and Maren is going to teach writing.  I hope today goes better.

Today I have my SAVI scout procedure.  Adam is going to take me and be with me and then he will need to leave because he has a work event tonight.  Emma's going to come and take me home and spend the evening.  I need to be at the hospital at 11:45 and they said I could leave at 5:00.  It feels like a bigger deal than I was expecting.  I'm grateful I have a deep bench.