The Scourge of our Gender

If you cannot be a poet, be the poem.
~David Carradine

The other day Emma and I were driving home and she told me that she was feeling badly because she didn't fit in with some girls.

I have long known this day would come (ever since I was her age and didn't fit in) but it's still painful.

I told her (because it's true) that it was my fault that she didn't fit in with that group because I had raised her to not fit in with girls like that.

I reminded her of her cousins and Freja...would they fit in with those particular girls?

"No," she conceded.

Before I could congratulate myself on my astute parenting, Emma delivered the clincher (the clincher that yes, she really is my daughter, yes she really is growing up), "But I don't fit in with them either. They're all better at everything than I am."

She listed their strengths and talents and I had to admit that it was probably my fault too. Emma can't sew like Marianne's girls because I can't sew like Marianne.

We sat glumly in the car, driving along and feeling lacking.

Then I looked over at my girl.

It's one thing for me to feel like a loser but I can't sit idly by and let Emma feel that way. Not Emma. Not my dazzling girl with more cleverness and talents than should be allowable by law.

Too bad we can't see ourselves through our mother's eyes.

I talked to Emma about the woeful nature of comparing ourselves to others. It's never good. Either we consider ourselves better and feel prideful or we consider ourselves worse and feel discouraged.

Not good.

I told Emma that it is something that women are particularly good at...this comparison business and it HAS TO STOP.

Paraphrasing a quote I once heard attributed to Oprah, I told Emma, "Your future is so bright I need to wear sunglasses."

She tried not to but smiled at me.

One rarely wants to believe their mother at such times, but I hope that my words sink in. If I could bequeath my daughter with one thing, it would be armor against comparisons, against feeling lacking, against worrying about what other people think. She mostly is better than I am in that arena but it isn't enough. I never ever want her to feel like she doesn't measure up.

Is that asking too much?