Still Can't Express It But I Have to Try

Today I've been feeling sort of fractured. Like shock is wearing off.

But not all of the way.

I drove behind a truck with freshly cut lumber in the back. Someone was going to build something.

And it startled me.

Building something? How can life be still going on around me? Building something?

I look at overdue library books and an orthodontist appointment in my planner and I feel sort of offended. How can such mundane things have to be dealt with?

Why are those things still around? Why hasn't the world stopped?

Lest I be too dramatic, we are doing OK. We are. Thanks in no small part to the amazing and kind and generous people of the world sending and bringing their love to us.

It matters.

One minute I'm fine. I really am. And the next minute I'm crying to near strangers. One minute my kids seem fine. They do. Then they're overreacting/crying/withdrawing. It makes me nervous watching their every twist and turn on the emotional spectrum. It makes me anxious trying to strike the balance between stability and routine and permissiveness and nurturing.

If there's an instruction book for this, I need it.

There's so much I don't know.

But here's what I do know.

Heavenly Father loves us. I can feel His care at every turn. I have felt Comforted. I have been reminded again and again of the sweet assurance of eternal families.

I also know what a blessing I've had in my life for the past 15 years of knowing my father-in-law. I have never felt so honored to have the Davis name as when I consider this wonderful, wise, funny and good man. I'm grateful for his influence on my children. So grateful for the time they had to spend with him.



It breaks my heart that I can't take the hurt away from my children. But then I realize I wouldn't want to. They cry because they loved. Their grandpa mattered in a big way in their lives...in all of our lives.



I wouldn't have it any other way.

The one who loves you will make you weep.
Argentine quote