Happy/Sad Weekend

Happy/sad. That's my best way to describe the weekend.  So many times, I thought how much my mom would love whatever we were doing, all being together.  Why wasn't she there?!?  I wanted to tell her about things.  My sisters and Ammon and Melanee and Adam convened at one point to write thank you notes and when there were addresses we didn't know, the most natural thing in the world was to think that we needed to ask my mom.

We just have a big hole left behind.  We will miss her so much.

It's also been the opposite side of sadness, even joyful at times.  Our kids all arrived around noon on Saturday and it was so good to see all of them.  Adam and I went outside with QE.  She fell in the ditch.  Tromped through the lilacs bushes that are bare and scratchy right now and got tiny sticks in her hair.  We explored on the other side of the garage and I showed her where the chicken coop was when I was a little girl. She stepped into a badger hole--luckily I was holding her hand.  She lost her shoe in the hole, which I retrieved.  Then she was Cinderella and the shoe fit so Adam gave her a ride in his cart.

She is the perfect girl for here.  She is utterly unfazed by Nevada.  It won't be long before I teach her how to cross a barbed wire fence.  These are skills an adventurous Nevada girl needs--even if she only visits occasionally.

A little later in the afternoon, a bunch of family came over to visit.  I pulled out the snacks Molly and Ami gave me on our birthday, which was a perfect gift from them.  I don't think I can remember one thing we talked about, but it was good to be together.

That night we had dinner at Marianne's.  The Knudsens, our dear family friends, orchestrated it.  They brought pulled pork, a big pan of macaroni and cheese, chips and homemade salsa, coleslaw, and the most amazing rolls.  Other people brought desserts.  We were well fed!  Our aunt Mary and uncle Steve, uncle Richard and aunt Launa, and uncle Fred and our cousin Jenny came too.  Mary brought two big containers of her homemade chocolate chip cookies because that is her calling card.  It was another great evening of being together.  When dear Hannah delivered her desserts, she brought each of us a beautifully wrapped present with a wind chime inside.

At one point I was sitting with my brothers, just crying about our mom.

Happy/sad.

Saturday we went to the church and set up the guest book and a few things.  We were kind of waiting for things to start and Tabor said, "I don't know how to do this.  I never wanted to know how to do this."

Nevertheless.

We had an hour of visitation in the Relief Society room.  It was packed.  All my dad's siblings came, Aunt Jennifer from as far away as Austin, Texas!  My mom's siblings were there as well as some of both of their cousins.  We had so many cousins there!  It was incredible to me.  Sweet Leslie came from Montana, Jason from Kansas, Lincoln from Arizona.  Many came from around Nevada and Idaho and Utah.  It meant the world to me.  We hugged and cried together and I thanked them for coming and they said they wouldn't have missed it.

You can take your sliced bread or any other inventions.  Cousins were the best idea ever.

My siblings and our spouses sat on the front row of the chapel with our dad.  Edgar said the family prayer before the funeral and then Robert said the opening prayer of the funeral and Adam the closing.  I loved having them participate.  Jennifer and Katie and Melanee participated too, in more behind the scenes, but meaningful ways.  My mom loved our spouses.  She never placed her own children in a different category than our spouses.  I am grateful we all married well.

My siblings and I each spoke.  I was given the eulogy as my task, so I was first.  I was glad to be first, then I could enjoy listening to their talks more.  (I will add my eulogy to my blog because I want to remember it and it is easier to find here than in my chaotic Google Drive. Maybe I'll add it another day; I have a feeling this will be too long.) 

I felt so much love for my brothers and sisters and our parents during their talks.  I also felt grateful for the Plan of Salvation and the fact that I know we will all be together again.  My parents taught me that, but then I have had the Spirit confirm it to me.  I know what I know and I can't imagine how much harder this would be without that knowledge.

Also at the funeral, the grandchildren sang two songs.  One was "I Know that my Savior Loves Me," which was our mom's favorite primary song.  A smaller group, the ones who committed to learning parts, sang a medley that Emma had arranged of "Where Can I Turn for Peace" and "It is Well With My Soul."  I loved hearing all those talented kids.

After the funeral, I saw my stellar second cousin Katelin.  She was heading up the dinner where they were feeding all of us afterward.  She said she had enjoyed the funeral and it made her want to, "go home and be a better person."

I said, "Me too."

Hearing about my mom only makes me want to be more like her.

We drove to Starr Valley and gathered in a pretty spot near some trees behind the little building.  Edgar and his boys had dug a hole for the beautiful little box that held my mom's ashes.  My dad dedicated the grave, then placed the box inside.  He had one of the gold colored shovels from the Elko Temple groundbreaking (which meant a lot to me because of how much my mom loved that temple).  He and my brothers covered the little box and filled in the hole.  It was beautiful to me and very much in keeping with my dad's independent and can really do anything personality.  

I can tell the deep wells of his grief, but he is also so strong. 

We took a picture and my dad told me to stand in the front.  I said, "Why do I have to stand in the front?"

One of my brothers said, "Because you're short." (I was wearing chunky platform heels.  I'm still short.)

Mariann, Olivia, Ammon, our dad, me, Enoch and Tabor

Pictures are hard.  People are looking all different directions, but I love these people so much.

They are anchors in my life.  Tall ones.  Maybe I should call them pillars in my life.

We went back to the church for another delicious meal provided by good people.  I sat at a table with cousins.  Margaret, Catherine, Ira, Lincoln, Hannah, Mica, Sarah and Leslie.  It was a happy spot.  One thing we talked about was how close my dad and his siblings were.  We decided it was an inspiration to us to be close to our siblings and also a huge comfort that they have each other.

Olivia came and joined us later, saying she wanted to be at the cool kids table.

Lincoln asked me if I remembered when I was a little girl and used to come to their house and say, "L-l-l-l-ets play house."

I said I didn't remember that.  

Margaret said, "I remember playing army and you were always the general."

Lincoln said, "Well, of course I was."

We gathered at Olivia's for the thank you note writing then we had dinner again at Marianne's.  We called it a faith dinner in our planning.  We were thinking we'd have leftovers from everything and just decided to have faith that we would.  It all worked out and we had more than enough food.

We left kind of early because I was exhausted.  Chemo effects keep their hold, but I think it is loosening.  I am planning to get better every day (and hopefully my body will cooperate).

Sunday we had a lovely Palm Sunday Easter service in the Wells ward.  I told Adam that I was not going to cry that day.  I said, "My eyes can't take it."

I didn't do well with that resolve.

Grief and love and gratitude are all swimming around inside me and come out my eyes.

After church Desi and Liberty and Liliana made a lovely meal for us.  They are much like their mothers which is the best compliment I can give those charming and capable girls.  It was nice to visit some more, then we had a little Easter program, guided by Marianne.  She had these beautiful reminders of events.

Robert laid them in a line on the floor after everyone shared their scriptures about them. 

It is fitting this one has a baby blanket and a knee in the frame.  We were very cozy because there are a lot of us.

At the end, We knelt together and prayed as a family.  There was a mass food giveaway:  who will take this?!?  Then I hugged a lot and cried some more as we said our good-byes.

I am grateful for my family and for all of the really, really good people who showed so much love and support.  And I am grateful for the Gospel of Jesus Christ. 

Now I need to remember how to be a third grade teacher.