Constancy is the complement of all other human virtues
Giuseppe Mazzini
Giuseppe Mazzini
Yesterday I talked to my sister, Olivia. I told her--at length because it's what I do--how hard my current day was being. She told me her previous day had been hard but her current day was easier. She said, "Tomorrow will be better."
I thought it was sound logic and I believed her. Especially when I woke up and there was NOT snow on my lovely primroses (there had been snow the previous day and I am DONE with snow).
This afternoon Olivia called me. She said, "Well...is today better?"
I said yes.
She said, "Really? Your voice doesn't sound like it's better."
OK. I said. It's not all better.
She said, "Tell me." Because that's what she does.
I told her the sad tale that I'm tired of hearing in my own head.
I don't get enough done. I want to simplify, but have no idea what to cut out. What is non essential? I ask you!
She Mmmmhmmm'ed in all the appropriate places.
She told me she understood.
She told me she felt the same way.
She didn't tell me that I'd been saying the same exact thing for 12 years and she was sick of hearing it.
Because that's not what she does.
Then she told me that I certainly had my act together and she did not (which is completely untrue but nice of her to say anyway).
I told her I felt like I'd been behind since Mark was born (which coincidentally is also when I started home schooling...I see a connection). She said she'd been behind her whole life. She sighed pleasantly and we chatted on.
I felt better.
It's the same old rhyme. There will probably never come a day when I say, "Wow! I'm amazing! I did everything I wanted to do and I did it well!"
It won't happen.
Here's what I realized when I was driving home and the pure white of Mt. Baker against the blue sky was dazzling my socks off: I am after all changing. Even though I perpetually feel out of sync and frazzled. The things that were overwhelming me 10 years ago, would be a piece of cake today. A piece of CAKE!
And that's something.
I thought it was sound logic and I believed her. Especially when I woke up and there was NOT snow on my lovely primroses (there had been snow the previous day and I am DONE with snow).
This afternoon Olivia called me. She said, "Well...is today better?"
I said yes.
She said, "Really? Your voice doesn't sound like it's better."
OK. I said. It's not all better.
She said, "Tell me." Because that's what she does.
I told her the sad tale that I'm tired of hearing in my own head.
I don't get enough done. I want to simplify, but have no idea what to cut out. What is non essential? I ask you!
She Mmmmhmmm'ed in all the appropriate places.
She told me she understood.
She told me she felt the same way.
She didn't tell me that I'd been saying the same exact thing for 12 years and she was sick of hearing it.
Because that's not what she does.
Then she told me that I certainly had my act together and she did not (which is completely untrue but nice of her to say anyway).
I told her I felt like I'd been behind since Mark was born (which coincidentally is also when I started home schooling...I see a connection). She said she'd been behind her whole life. She sighed pleasantly and we chatted on.
I felt better.
It's the same old rhyme. There will probably never come a day when I say, "Wow! I'm amazing! I did everything I wanted to do and I did it well!"
It won't happen.
Here's what I realized when I was driving home and the pure white of Mt. Baker against the blue sky was dazzling my socks off: I am after all changing. Even though I perpetually feel out of sync and frazzled. The things that were overwhelming me 10 years ago, would be a piece of cake today. A piece of CAKE!
And that's something.
2 comments:
In my own life I have always noticed that I never add up as well. I think the truth is that if you care about what is going on, and if you care about being successful with the various things you are doing (which are many) then you will somehow always feel out of whack. I think you can take it as a good sign. You are doing something very well. You are keeping all the balls in the air and you are caring. That's big, and it's a big success.
Oh how I love your posts. How I love them! I am always feeling a bit out of place, and never at par. I always catch myself, and ask 'really Suzanne, have you ever been at a single moment your entire life where you felt everything was in perfect order??'
Hate the answer to that question.
Then Tim and I were out eating one day, and we joked about how weird people get when they get old. How weird our parents get (btw, I love how I can sound off EVERYTHING on your blog that I can't on mine b/c my family might read it...). How weird old people get, and how grumpy and judgemental they get.
Then he said "ya know, I think it's having kids that keeps people level headed".
While life is absolutely crazy and unpredictable, kids sure make us balanced people. Not to worry, one day, we too will be empty nesters and be able to spend 12 hours polishing perfect floors and get bugged when people actually walk on them.
But for now, aren't we moms just so non-judgemental? 'Cause I swear anytime I stiff my nose at a mom in the grocery store over their mis-behaved kid-- it ALWAYS comes back to bite me 10 fold.
Anyway, that's just how I see it.
We'll never catch up, and it just might be a blessing.
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