Progress

LeFou, I’m afraid I’ve been thinking

A dangerous pastime

I know

Most days this week I’ve woken up with a headache. I’m OK with going to bed with a headache. Waking up with a headache is not fun. I have several directions to point my fingers of blame.

Our family has been sort of knocked sideways by a serious illness in our extended family.

I don’t like being knocked sideways. I want to go back. Back to before.

So I’ve been thinking about adversity in general. I know from adversity in the past that some good does come of it. Usually in the form of me praying more. Studying more. Remembering more.

I’ve been reading The Mighty Queens of Freeville by Amy Dickinson. (It’s a good book.) Here’s an excerpt:

“Well, you have to think that maybe this will toughen her up,” Mom offered helpfully, after four-year-old Nathan rammed her with his Big Wheel…

“You mean the idea ‘that which doesn’t kill me makes me stronger’? I offered as I scooped up my toddler to comfort her. I could see the utility of that way of thinking and of course wondered if I should apply that theory to myself. The problem is, I can’t for the life of me figure out what’s so great about being tough in the first place.

I agree.

What’s so great about being tough?

Why do we have to be “strengthened” by trials?

Which brings me to my other head-ache source. I’ve been busy this week.

Swamped.

Even more than normal.

And I don’t enjoy that. I’m basically a very lazy person at heart. I would love nothing more than to read good books all day interspersed with talking on the phone and writing long emails. At the same time I also pack my day full of too many tasks. Adam’s always telling me to alter my expectations.

But I don’t want to.

A few days ago when I was careening through my day, driving somewhere with one eye on the clock, trying not to be late and one ear on Mark with some incessant story, I drove by a house with a big screen TV that was on. Someone was watching a movie. In the middle of the afternoon.

And I wished it were me.

Why do I always have to be running around at breakneck speed? Why do things have to be hard? Why?

Then I saw an email.

And in the email there was a quote.

By none other than Sheri Dew who I love and adore:

We believe in progression, and progression is by design difficult. Though our knees buckle at times under life's pressures, none of us want to stay just like we are. Embedded within our spirits is the need to become more and more like our Father.

It all started to make sense.

We have trials not to toughen us up. The trials aren’t the thing. It’s the humbling, the turning of our hearts to God. It’s the prayer and seeking that results from the trials. It’s not the knocking down, as my wise husband told me, it’s how we get back up.

And I’m not busy just to make my life miserable. I want to be better. I don’t want to watch a movie in the middle of the afternoon because I want to do Good Things. Important Things. I don’t want to stay just like I am because I want to be better.

I’ll keep trying.