That Which Was My Delight

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.  

~Kahlil Gibran

I didn't cry when Braeden left for school in the morning.

I didn't cry when it was the time we used to go pick Braeden up.

I didn't cry when school with Mark was over and there was no one else to teach.

I didn't cry when Mark and I had lunch and it was too quiet.

I didn't cry when Mark was sprawled on the floor during silent reading time and I was on the couch and Braeden wasn't on the green chair.

But, when Adam called and asked with a voice that told me he Understood, "How are you?" I cried.

I cried and cried.

Because I'm not OK.

I had no idea what I was getting into when Braeden started kindergarten and I bravely called myself a homeschooler.

first day of kindergarten

I was inexperienced enough to feel confident and unconquerable.  Things happened.  Mark was born and I floundered to keep it all together.  We moved a few times.  Emma joined in the school scene.  Then Mark.  We discovered Braeden had a learning disability.  I struggled and gnashed my teeth and sought comfort/free therapy/solace from Adam and my siblings and parents and friends.  It was Hard and wearying but I had a Purpose.  A Grand Purpose that in my mind was worth all the anguish and time and sacrifice.

And now?

What exactly is my Grand Purpose?  

I still have Mark (and it occurs to me that I could really mess him up psychologically by throwing my arms around his ankles and making him promise me he'll never leave me...I won't do it but I'm tempted).  There is still a large portion of my day that's taken by homeschooling but it is vastly less intense.  It feels calm and lovely (much how I always wished homeschool with three had felt) but the irony is, I miss the fierceness of those days because I was smack dab in the middle of my three children.

The best place to be.

I know I'll get used to it.  I am (more or less) accustomed to Emma's absence.  It feels a little different with Braeden though because I never so much taught Emma as tried to stay out of her way as she powered through her education with her perfectionist tendencies that make me marvel.  (She didn't get that from me!)

I'll get used to Braeden's absence.

And I think that's the hardest part of all.

post script:  two happy culminations for my day.  Braeden came home from school cheery and lighthearted.  He told me all about his new classes and new teachers.  All traces of his nervousness are gone.  Adam called me on his way home from work.  He said, "Can I take you out to dinner to celebrate the first day of the rest of your life?"  How can anyone be uncheered by an Adam?  We took the kids with us to celebrate.  Here's to new beginnings.