Changing

It may be hard for an egg to turn into a bird: it would be a jolly sight harder for it to learn to fly while remaining an egg.  We are like eggs at present.  And you can not go on being an ordinary, decent egg.  We must be hatched or go bad.

C.S. Lewis

Around the same time I became the Young Women's president, my little brother Tabor became bishop.  I wouldn't trade him places for all the candy the Young Women eat.  (Seriously, they are always eating candy.)  We are both going through something.  He with a lot more grace and confidence than I am, but that surprises exactly no one.

Change is such a complicated thing.  I like some change and hate other change.  It's hard for me to be flexible sometimes.  It's hard to go do new things in new places with new people.  I can resist it all I want, but it's sort of like trying to resist the seasons changing.  Not gonna happen.

A few days ago, Mark went to the junior high for a placement test for math next year.  Mark works through things by talking about them.  We talked about the test at length.  I assured him that it had nothing whatsoever to do with how smart he is.  He was taking the test so we could see how his math curriculum coincides with the school's math curriculum and to make sure he's in the right class next year.  I told him it didn't matter to me at all which class he was placed in, I just wanted him to do his best so it would be an accurate picture.

For the rest of the day, he told me, like it was his idea, that the test wasn't about him being smart and that he really wanted to know which class he should be in.  Because he wanted to be in the right class.

I would just agree with him and tell him he seemed to have it all figured out.

On the way to the school, he asked me if I was nervous.  I said no.  I said, "Are you?"  He said no.  I said, "Sometimes when I go somewhere for the first time and do something new I feel nervous.  I think that's normal."

He said, "Yeah, I guess I feel a little nervous."

I took him to the appointed spot and said, "OK, good luck, see you later."

He gave me that look that my kids give me sometimes that makes me want to gather them up in my arms and take them home and maybe wrap them in bubble wrap.  It's a look of momentary panic and naked fear and then they remember themselves and their native self confidence and smile and say, "OK."

(My parents and siblings are some of the most confident people I know.  It rubbed off on my kids.  I don't know what happened to me.)

He felt pretty good after the test.  He said, "There was a lot of algebra but nothing about pi.  There was just one pie chart, but nothing about pi or area or volume.  If I get to the class and they said, 'OK, we're going to learn about pi,' I'm going to say, 'I already know this,' and then I'm going to leave and go do another elective."

"Well," I said, "you can't do that."

I can tell he's excited about school.  He's a little nervous, but he's also excited.  And he will figure it out.  I know he will.

(Who I'm worried about is me.)

It's ridiculous how transparent my dreams are.  Last night I dreamed I was organizing Mark's clothes (clothes organizing on the mind) and he had all these little jeans overalls and t-shirts.  Everything was size 3T and that seemed about right.

Emma and Braeden are going through their own changes.  Emma is Miss Society lately.  Her social calendar is full.  She got invited to a boy's birthday party for the first time.  She keeps wanting to do stuff and it keeps confusing me because I used to have to coax her nose out of a book.  I am glad she's having fun.

Yesterday Braeden started a new job.  He didn't mind KFC terribly, but the hours were hard.  Getting home at 11:00 on a school night was not fun.  He is now working for an insurance agent, making calls trying to get people to want free insurance quotes.  He's one of those people.  Finishing work at 7:00 each night will be a lot better though, plus he will make more money.  He told me that he wants me to introduce him to people as, "our son that is in the insurance business."

I am watching Braeden figure things out.  He is getting more and more aware of himself and his needs and what works and what doesn't.  He has looked tall and grown up and everything for awhile now, but he seems more grown up lately.  This has been a hard year for him.  I'm sure the hardest of his life so far.  He has fought his way through it.  He's changed along with the changes.  He's adjusted his sails when he couldn't control the wind.

I will just try to follow his example.