Winning

Yesterday I had an excruciating job interview (that's the word I was looking for Marianne!).  Every job interview is an excruciating one.  And humbling.

My mom, both sisters, and Adam all called to find out how it went (Adam is on a business trip).  When I got home, my kids gathered to hear all about it.  They tripped over themselves with encouraging words.

So whatever happens (and I honestly have no idea--I'm long on enthusiasm and short on job experience), having such a support system buoying me up feels like I'm a lucky girl.  (Also, he didn't know about the interview, but Enoch called.  He was super supportive too and over the course of the conversation, I was the bearer of the sad news that elementary kids don't have P.E. everyday.  Homeschooled kids, am I right?)

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Braeden and Anna flew into Salt Lake City last night, getting to the airport at midnight.  I am in no way equipped to drive to SLC at midnight.  Adam, as mentioned is out of town.  Emma is the real MVP.  She has her dad's night owl genes.  Letting your kids grow up sometimes pay dividends (like when you can go to sleep).

In another bout of grown girl awesomeness, with a little help from Mark, she made dinner last night.

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Adam told me he's coming home a day earlier than expected.

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Emma and I went shopping last night.  Such a simple thing, but how I love being able to do mundane things with my big kids.  I miss them.

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Mark's doppelgänger at school is a delight in my life.  He wrote a rollicking tale of a pizza box who ate people and they lived inside the box's stomach, living on (you guessed it) pizza that "regenerated."

He thought of everything.

Then a "heroic hero" came along and tricked the pizza box into swallowing a "harmless explosion" that freed all the people.  Only the pizza box didn't survive.

He asked me yesterday if I'll still come and get him when he's in 4th grade.  It's a complicated answer because I'm hoping to be a teacher, but I would dearly love to still work with that guy on writing.

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I slept until 6:20 this morning which is some sort of miracle.  I've been waking up dismayingly early. It may have been aided by benadryl.

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Little things add up.

(Also I'm reading a really good book.)

The highs and lows

When Braeden was a few weeks old, I took him to a doctor's appointment.  I've been a hot mess many times in my life but that period of time was one of the worst.  I was completely overwhelmed and had postpartum depression and felt anxious about every aspect of everything.

At the doctor's office, the kind nurse unwrapped Braeden from his careful layers.  She must have sensed my complete deer in the headlights demeanor.  She said, "I can tell he is very well cared for.  You are a great mom."

It felt like I was drowning and someone had cast a lifeline to me.  I cherished her compliment and felt like maybe I could do this.  Maybe.

It's probably the last time I felt good about someone telling me I was a great mom.

Braeden and Anna stayed with Rebecca Justesen in Virginia Beach.  She's the same lady who stayed overnight with Braeden in the hospital while he was serving a mission and makes the short list of people to whom I am the most indebted in life.  She is obviously 1) an extremely kind lady and 2) very fond of Braeden.

Those two things are reasons why she sent me this text:

I felt grateful for her kindness but it also made me cringe.  Even though her hyperbole came from a place of gracious love, it really isn't true.

When our kids do something great, I usually credit it to Heavenly Father blessing me with great kids.  They came that way.  When they make bad choices, I feel like a failed mother.  I know I can't take the blame if I don't take the credit.  Since I don't feel like I should take the credit, I shouldn't take the blame. (But that is hard sometimes.)

Motherhood is a wild ride.  I've never felt so much joy or anguish.  I've lost more sleep as they get older than I ever did when they were infants.  I love these three with a fierceness that I never imagined and often my mama bear instinct to protect them is aimed at them.

I honestly can't imagine people  who have ten children.  Three have me maxed out.

Also, the most difficult parts of motherhood are the ones that have taught me the most.  When I am confronted with a child that is floundering in one way or another, I feel all the normal mix of disappointment and regret and frustration but I also feel a whole lot of love toward the child.

I can picture our Heavenly Father feeling the same way.  I picture Him shaking His head and wishing I made better choices so I could be happier.  But I picture Him loving me all the same.  I picture Him wanting me to reach for the help He has already planned on me needing.

So, I'm not the best mom ever.  I'm a mom who is struggling along.  I'm a mom who is trying.  I'm a mom who loves her kids.  I'm a mom like everyone else.  I'm also a mom who is very grateful for people that love my children so much, they think I deserve some sort of extra credit.

There are good people in this good world.

(And I'm so grateful I get to be mother to three of them.)

Everyday magic

Yesterday there was a swarm of yellow butterflies around the blossoming tree in our front yard.  A swarm.  And then a gust of wind came along and they were gone.

Sometimes things don't last long enough to take a picture.

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Also yesterday, since I wasn't working, Emma was my buddy.  We cleaned the pantry and went to Costco and she was my sidekick like she was a toddler but I 100% guarantee it was harder when she was a toddler.  We also did some weeding and she mowed the lawn.  She's working on getting a summer job to supplement her theater job but in the meantime, I will relish the time.

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My dear friend Marie Louise came over and we worked on family history together, like we do.  I consider her family to be my family and she showed me some pictures from Family Search of some of them and she found that one of "our" family members was killed during a bombing raid in World War II and she had a picture of a memorial to him and others in the town that were killed at the same time.

These are more than just names on a screen.  I am fully intending to 1) go to Berkshire someday which I'm increasingly familiar with and 2) meet all these people in heaven.  Even though they all have the same names and marry people that have the same names as their parents which confuses me regularly, I have infinite fondness for all of them.

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Desi came over for dinner last night.  We got to catch up on her Hawaiian adventures and just bask in the sunshine she takes with her wherever she goes.  Nieces were a very good invention.

Sunshine in my soul today

We had a weekend of beautiful sunshine and blustery wind and some dark clouds and driving rain.

So the weekend weather pretty much reflects real life.

One thing I took away from Women's Conference is that life is hard.  I listened to remarkable men and women tell their stories and I could see that through their life experiences and through the choices they had made to turn to the Savior in their need, they changed.  They survived and felt peace and joy and became...remarkable.

I went about stealing pictures this morning to post:

From Hannah's instagram I grabbed this.  My aunt Olivia and cousin Hannah.  Two of the best women I know.

This is from Olivia's blog.  And Hannah gave us a hint to be more photogenic after we took the picture.  I don't know if it would have helped me or not....

I loved spending time with them all.  Emma had already left before we took that picture.  It meant a lot to me to be there with her.

Braeden and Anna have been in Virginia and having a great time.  It makes me happy to think about them there, even though I miss both of them.

Anna's mom, Amy, texted me this picture:

That's Anna's cute brother Owen.

Braeden texted me these pictures from Monticello:

I just gave him a short haircut before they left but the curls are winning.

He texted me this one this morning as they crossed the border into his mission.  They're spending some time there, going to a dinner party orchestrated by Stella.

Look at the joy on that boy's face.

You can't be uncheered by that.

Grateful Friday

OK Marianne.  I hear you.

And I woke up early so I decided I had time for a quick blog post.

I have so much to be grateful for and I'd love to get it down in this record of sorts.

Women's Conference has been just what I needed.  One day down and another to go and I woke up happy with the realization that I'm going back.

I loved being with Emma.  The older the better is my relationship with that girl.  We had lunch together and told each other about the separate classes we had attended and I loved her insights.  I loved being with my aunt Olivia and cousin Hannah.  We didn't spend a lot of time together during the day but after the last session I went back with them to their dorm and Olivia and Hannah sat on one bed and I sat on the other and we talked.  My sister Olivia came in and asked if we were going to dinner or should she take a nap.  I said, "We can go to dinner.  I'm just getting some free therapy here."

Because sitting there talking to those good women felt that way.

I loved being with Olivia and her mini me, Lili.  I spent most of the day with them.  There is such a comfortable ease with sisters (and sisters' daughters).  There's nothing like it.  We talked together and walked together and shopped together and laughed together and cried together and sewed "courage capes" together which was one of the service projects you could do while you watched.

We finally went to dinner and Adam joined us (he was my ride because Emma left early to go to work).  That only made everything better.

My joy was full.

More than all of that, I loved feeling the Spirit and hearing words of truth that spoke to my soul.  I felt comforted and empowered and like I had a new perspective on everything.  I'm grateful for the gospel of Jesus Christ.  It means the world to me.

XOXOXO

I'm off to Women's Conference today and tomorrow.  Sadly Marianne and my mom won't be there but Olivia and Lili will which is consolation.  Also, Emma is going which I love.

See you back here next week.

Music night

Monday night Adam decided to have a music night.  When our kids were younger, we'd regularly have music nights.  Everyone got to pick a song and Adam would play them on the computer and set the computer to make a visual display of the music.  I think there's probably a name for that but I don't know it.

We would listen to the music and guess who picked what.

Last night everyone just sent their songs from their phones to the Sonos speaker.  Times have changed.

It made me so happy to have these three there, listening to music.

Mark was apparently really feeling the music

Soon the kids moved to the floor.  That's how they used to listen on music nights back in the day (except they didn't used to wave their arms...I don't know).

I moved over to the couch with Adam and we had several rounds of song picks.

It was one of those times when you look around and feel happy and blessed.  Everyone kind of landed into a zen state.

There's a lot to love about this world.  The cherry on top was a glorious sunset.