The highs and lows

When Braeden was a few weeks old, I took him to a doctor's appointment.  I've been a hot mess many times in my life but that period of time was one of the worst.  I was completely overwhelmed and had postpartum depression and felt anxious about every aspect of everything.

At the doctor's office, the kind nurse unwrapped Braeden from his careful layers.  She must have sensed my complete deer in the headlights demeanor.  She said, "I can tell he is very well cared for.  You are a great mom."

It felt like I was drowning and someone had cast a lifeline to me.  I cherished her compliment and felt like maybe I could do this.  Maybe.

It's probably the last time I felt good about someone telling me I was a great mom.

Braeden and Anna stayed with Rebecca Justesen in Virginia Beach.  She's the same lady who stayed overnight with Braeden in the hospital while he was serving a mission and makes the short list of people to whom I am the most indebted in life.  She is obviously 1) an extremely kind lady and 2) very fond of Braeden.

Those two things are reasons why she sent me this text:

I felt grateful for her kindness but it also made me cringe.  Even though her hyperbole came from a place of gracious love, it really isn't true.

When our kids do something great, I usually credit it to Heavenly Father blessing me with great kids.  They came that way.  When they make bad choices, I feel like a failed mother.  I know I can't take the blame if I don't take the credit.  Since I don't feel like I should take the credit, I shouldn't take the blame. (But that is hard sometimes.)

Motherhood is a wild ride.  I've never felt so much joy or anguish.  I've lost more sleep as they get older than I ever did when they were infants.  I love these three with a fierceness that I never imagined and often my mama bear instinct to protect them is aimed at them.

I honestly can't imagine people  who have ten children.  Three have me maxed out.

Also, the most difficult parts of motherhood are the ones that have taught me the most.  When I am confronted with a child that is floundering in one way or another, I feel all the normal mix of disappointment and regret and frustration but I also feel a whole lot of love toward the child.

I can picture our Heavenly Father feeling the same way.  I picture Him shaking His head and wishing I made better choices so I could be happier.  But I picture Him loving me all the same.  I picture Him wanting me to reach for the help He has already planned on me needing.

So, I'm not the best mom ever.  I'm a mom who is struggling along.  I'm a mom who is trying.  I'm a mom who loves her kids.  I'm a mom like everyone else.  I'm also a mom who is very grateful for people that love my children so much, they think I deserve some sort of extra credit.

There are good people in this good world.

(And I'm so grateful I get to be mother to three of them.)