Grateful Friday

Wednesday I went to school feeling pretty awful.  I took some Advil and just got on with it, like you do.

Then, as the morning progressed, I felt really awful.  I felt like my head was swimming and I was struggling to be patient and struggling to string words together.

Also, I was paranoid about covid.  One of my students tested positive and others of them are sick and another student's dad died and several of our ward members have been gravely sick with covid.  I not only have had it, I'm fully vaccinated, but still.

I was worried about getting it again and spreading it to people I love--or to the people of people I love.

At recess, I went and told Camie, because she is basically the school mom.  She told me to go tell Jami.  She said we'd figure it out.  

I sat down in Jami's office and told him that I felt bad.  He asked, "What did you do?"

I said, "No, I mean I feel really awful."

He said, "But why?"

It wasn't a confessional and it was starting to feel like a bad comedy routine.  I said, "No, I am sick."

He told the secretary to put in an emergency sub request and Jamie came to help me create some emergency sub plans.  I couldn't even think straight.  She grabbed a pen and started writing and asking me questions.  Then my kids came in from recess and she shepherded them in and told them I was sick and leaving.  A few of them came to hug me.  Which sort of killed me because I was sad to be leaving them and also didn't want them to get sick.

I left Jamie in charge until a sub could be located and she is awesome and that is all.

I went to the walk in clinic and there was a sign on the door saying I couldn't come in if I had had a covid exposure.

I felt like a leper.

I went to a place where Jamie had told me I could get a rapid test.  I had a covid test and it was negative so I went back to the walk in clinic.  I was prescribed some steroids and the doctor thought I probably had a virus.  It always seems like such a stab in the dark.  He said, "Do you want a mono test?  There's nothing we could really do about it though."

I said, "So what is the advantage of a mono test?"

He said, "Just for the gee whiz factor."

I didn't really feel very gee whiz so I gave it a pass.

For the rest of the day I felt really and truly awful.  Everything hurt and I was dying.  Jamie texted to check on me and asked if I was coming the next day.  I said I was.  I figured I would take enough pain killers to make it work.

Then I remembered something I read recently:  You are not a robot, you are a human.  Plan accordingly.

I didn't really feel well enough to go to school.  It is SUPER hard when I am healthy and I was not healthy.  I considered that I was neither a robot nor a hero and maybe, just maybe, I could stay home another day and get feeling actually better.

So I did.  

I felt guilty about my sub because I knew it was going to be a hard day.

I kept feeling like I should do something but I didn't feel like doing anything and then I'd remember that was why I was home; I was sick.  Repeat all day.

I did complete some training and I watered some plants.  Then I was tired.  I took a nap in a patch of sunlight on the couch.

Sometimes you prove you're not a robot by checking a box or clicking on all the squares that have street lights.  Sometimes you prove you're not a robot by taking a sick day.

I'm grateful for sick days and medicine and friends who pinch hit for you.  I'm grateful I'm not a robot.

Feeling jealous

Adam got to go see Mark and I didn't.

Poor Thelma.

Mark had a scope done to see if he has celiac disease.  Apparently it is common to have multiple autoimmune disorders if you have one.  Because one isn't enough?

Mark's elevated blood test prompted the scope and he needed anesthesia for it so Adam went to be with him and I wished I could too.

Adam sent this picture:

He looks pretty out of it but also like he's being funny.  Also, I want to just hug that kid.  Mark recovered quickly from the procedure, even went to his math class, and then he and Adam hung out together.   

I talked to them before I went to bed and they sounded giddy about just being together.  I could tell they were having a fun time.

Thelma, still jealous.

(But also grateful that Adam could go and be with him.  It's nice that he has a flexible job.)

Long weekend

Sunday was a different kind of day.  For one thing, Adam came to church with me.  President Porter came to our ward and Adam goes where he goes.  We keep finding out people that don't know about his new calling.  I wonder what they think happened because one week he got released from the bishopric and then he hardly ever comes to church with me.  Maybe they think he rage quit when he got released?  I was happy to sit next to him though.

Also, none of our college kids were coming so as Emma put it, we were just going to vibe.  We bought super simple to prepare food and planned to just do nothing all afternoon and evening once our church responsibilities were over.

Then I got the idea to check on the temple progress.  Emma didn't want to, but Adam and I drove to Saratoga Springs and we drove by the Orem temple to check things out.  I still don't take it for granted how many temples surround us. (Because besides those two, we saw three others just as we drove!)

We got home and played Farkle and Bananagrams and it was restful and restorative to just be.  Also, great to know I didn't have to get up early the next morning for school.

Saturday we worked all day so we'd have Monday to have fun but our plans fizzled.  Instead, we did a bunch of random stuff.  One highlight for me was when Janelle texted me that Hobby Lobby had all their classroom stuff 90% off.

I texted her a triumphant picture of my purchases.  I spent $7.26!

It was exciting.

We went to Olive Garden with the Porters.  It is good to have friends like them.  We always have a lot to talk about and we share a lot of similar experiences.  Nola already knew our happy grandparent news but Dave didn't.  His genuine joy and excitement at the news reiterated what everyone in the grandparent club has already told us:  it is going to be great!  We had an early enough dinner that we could sit on the deck with Emma when we got home.  She took a picture of the sky with my phone.  I said, "The picture won't do it justice."

She said, "I know."

The pictures never do the sky justice and I'm glad.  Our eyes are better than pixels.  The picture is still pretty though.

Saturday state of affairs

We packed a lot into Saturday.

I made a long multi column list of all the things.  We vowed to get as many accomplished as possible on Saturday so we could have a fun Monday.

In the morning I worked inside and Adam and Emma worked outside.  Adam cut a bunch of limbs off trees and tried to get Emma to cut them up so they would fit in our garbage can.  She was happy to be helpful in every way (praise be for adult children!) but she won't be near our big clippers.

When she was three (so how does she even remember it?) Linn accidentally cut Geri's finger with big clippers when they were cutting branches. It made a big impression on Emma, who is easily spooked anyway.

I cut the branches up on one end of the pile then I would move the the other side while Emma gathered the cut branches up and put them in the bin.  As long as she could social distance from the clippers, she was fine.

We finally wrapped things up to go do our errands.  Emma opted not to join us and I said, "How could you miss this?"

Seriously,  Saturday errands with Adam is one of my favorite things in the week.

We went to my classroom so I could finish up some things to prepare for my new student because I had to leave early Friday to join Mark's doctor appointment virtually.  Also, I needed Adam (aka my tech support) to look at my school computer.

I was working at my desk and Adam was at a table with my computer and he said, "I don't know what is happening."

I absently said, "What?"

He said, "All your files are gone."

So then he had my attention.  

My heart kind of stopped.  It wasn't like losing my life's work but it was definitely losing the work of the last two plus years.  I went and sat next to him and I could tell he was alarmed and when your even keeled don't worry I can fix it husband is alarmed about all your files being gone...yikes.

He able to retrieve them because he is a wizard.

It was stressful though.  I can't even begin to explain.

From there we went to Costco.  Everyone in Utah County (except Emma) was at Costco it seemed.  It was a zoo.  I told Adam we are never going to Costco on Saturday again.  (I think I tell him that every time we go to Costco on Saturday.)  We usually go on a weeknight and that is a much better proposition.

At one point, Adam went to find something and I waited with the cart.  A woman in a motorized cart approached me.  All I can think is that the motorized cart disarmed me and I didn't have my usual don't-talk-to-me look on my face.

This woman laughed a little and said, "Now, this is unsolicited..."

Which was her way of acknowledging that she probably shouldn't be doing it but was proceeding nonetheless.

She went on to tell me, pointing at the chicken in my cart, that chicken has been found to cause UTIs in women.  I said, "All chicken?"

She said, "Yes."

I said something along the lines of hmm.

She said, "You can go to nutrition facts.com and read about it."

I thanked her and she motored her way away.

Adam came back and from the look on my face said, "What happened?"

My guard was down.  That is all.  Somehow I looked approachable.  A mistake.

Later we saw her again.  She said, "I was wrong!  It's not all chicken!  It's 50% of chicken!"

Again, I think I managed a hmm.

Then, of course, I had to text Emma about it.

When we finally made it home after all our errands, we sat on the deck and watched the pastel sunset.

There was an almost cold breeze coming down the mountains and I commented that the seasons were going to change.  We mostly hate summer--especially the smoke--so we're all happy to see autumn.  I said, "Nothing lasts forever."

But then I said, "Except this."

Adam and I are forever.

And I'll take it.

Speaking of Adam, I love every word he writes.  Here is a blog post he wrote.  .

Grateful Friday

How many ways can I love the school where I teach?

It is no secret to anyone who 1) talks to me often or 2) reads my blog, that I feel overwhelmed bordering on all out panic at times about my inadequacies as a teacher.  It is hard and I usually feel like I'm not meeting all their needs. Or any of their needs.  This year even more than usual since there are just so many of them (and I'm getting a new student next week!).

Yesterday two different people at work went out of their way to give me kind encouragement.  It mattered to me and infused me with confidence.  I can do this!

I can't meet all their needs, but I can keep trying to!

It's not like my friends are just telling me nice things; they are pretty honest too.

In a meeting with Jamie, she was helping me figure out how to download something and saw my cluttered (putting it mildly) desktop.  Here's the thing, I never close anything.  

She said my computer reminded me of her daughter's bedroom.

I know.

I have a daughter too.

It wasn't a compliment.

Jamie's still my friend, though.  You've gotta have friends and I'm grateful for mine!

***

Another thing I am grateful for:  the unexpected kindness of children.

I have a student who is a struggle to deal with.  Through no fault of his own, he has difficulty getting along with others, staying in his seat, doing grade level work, adapting to change, all of it.  I have tried many times over the past few weeks to deescalate interactions between him and other students.

Yesterday, they had earned a reward for show and tell (they picked it and I kind of thought that was a strange choice--I mean, ice cream was on the table as a possible reward).  This little guy missed most of the show and tell because he was in special ed.  When he returned, I let him show what he'd brought and he'd been trying to show all day.  The class oohed and aaahed appreciatively.  When he was done, they clapped and cheered for him.

It made his day.

It made my day.

It made Emily's (the special ed teacher) day when I told her.

Piano and pineapple

Fires and hurricanes and floods and a pandemic that won't quit and horrors in the news.  And then I talked to my mom and there was an earthquake there on Tuesday.

It's a lot.

At school I have crying students every day.  Mark pointed out that that is a clear indication of how hard the world is right now.

I never thought of it that way, but I don't ever know what is happening at their homes and what stories they are being told.  The world is hard.

On the other hand, the Church keeps building temples so I guess we're not done yet.

Last night Emma was playing the piano and singing and everything felt like, for that moment at least, a pretty perfect place.

I love when she sits at the piano and fills the house with her beautiful music.

Adam was gone for the third night in a row (the first was for work and then the next two were for church). I walked by Emma playing the piano and asked her if she wanted dinner.

She said yes.  Then she said, "But it sounds like you don't.  So if that is the case, then no."

I said, "I don't really know what I feel like."

She said, "We can have nachos?"

I pulled out a bag of chips and a bag of grated cheese.  It felt like the right amount of dinner prep.  Then I got really fancy and sliced up a pineapple.  It made a satisfactory dinner. 

Emma and I discussed the fact that freshly sliced anything is better than if it's been sitting awhile and why is fresh pineapple so superior to canned? (Emma said if she eats it with her gremlin hands instead of a utensil it is even better.  I asked her why gremlin hands and she just shrugged.  She's always had vivid language.) 

I have told Emma before she's never moving out again.

She acts like she doesn't believe me.

Would that help?

A few days ago, a line from the movie, Bridge of Spies, popped into my head.

In the movie, Rudolf Abel is a Russian spy who has been captured by Americans and James Donovan is a lawyer who is brought in as his defense and who is also trying to make a trade with the Soviet Union.  America will trade Rudolf Abel for a US airman who landed in enemy territory.

At one point, James Donovan says to Rudolf Abel, "Aren't you worried?"

Rudolf Abel responds, "Would that help?"

I love it.

I need to remember it.

My math lesson was a complete flop Monday.  I had discipline problems I need to deal with.  (I rearranged desks for the 1000th time after school yesterday.) I have a few students who are really really struggling.  I am having a hard time addressing all their needs.  I need to complete some training and I don't know when I will find the time.  I am thinking a lot about Mark.  I miss him for one thing.  For another thing, I want everything in his life to be good, no great.  How can I make that happen?

Ha.  I can't.

So I certainly could worry.  I could worry a lot.  I have that capacity. (I have clocked plenty of worrying time so I know I have skills.)

Would it help?  Does it help?

No.

Also, I'm grateful for all-is-not-lost reminders.  One of my students who rolls his eyes a lot and scowls at me and is pretty much belligerent often, was out riding his bike in the playground before school.  Well before school.  It breaks my heart a little when they are super early for school.

He yelled at me across the playground when I got out of my car.  "Hi Mrs. Davis!" He seemed so enthusiastic and happy to see me.

It warmed my heart.  He is one that will NOT be happy about his new seating arrangement but I know he was excited to see me that one time.  I'll take it.