Thinking outloud

A night last week I couldn't sleep.  Well, it was actually the morning.  I can always fall asleep at night and then sometimes I wake up around 3:00-4:00 so I can worry like it's my job.

I'm good at it.  I hate to brag, but I am a world class worrier.  I worry about things that I need to take care of.  I worry about things I have already taken care of (was that done well enough?) and I worry about things that I have no business worrying about.

I finally gave up on my bed and went out in the school room and got on my computer.  Maybe there was something there?  And it turns out there was.

I read this blog post.  One line stuck out to me like it was highlighted in neon green:

"Life is a control freak's worst nightmare."

That is Truth with a capital T.

The message to me was to stop being a control freak.  A lot of anxiety in my life is caused by me worrying about things that I have no control over rather than me calmly tending to what I do have control over.

My desire for control comes from a desire for peace and security.  I think if I can just fix everything and ensure everything is right then I'll have a guaranteed level of serenity.

Not true.

For one thing I can't fix everything.  For another thing, I'm barking up the wrong tree.

Last week, Adam was home from work and we took the opportunity to go to the temple.  It is always a source of peace and perspective for me.  When I am sitting inside the temple, I find myself wondering how I can keep that feeling always and how I can let it permeate my life more.  By controlling more things?

I don't think so.

I've also had this rolling around in my head lately, a quote by Lorenzo Snow:

If you are on a moving train of cars, as long as you sit still and occupy your seat that train will take you to the point you wish to go; but if you step off the cars it will be dangerous, and it may be a long time before another train will come along. It is the same with us—if we are living right, doing our work, we are going along, and if we are keeping our covenants, we are doing the work of God and accomplishing His purposes...

What I need to do is just stay on the train.

So there is work involved in staying on the train.  I need to keep doing what I'm doing.  I don't need to be the train conductor though.

I can stay up at night, losing sleep hatching plans, but that won't make me the train conductor.

My best Christmas gift

My best Christmas gift ever arrived in 2002.  It was Mark.  I doubt anything will ever eclipse that.

Here's a second place though.

On New Year's Eve, Emma and I were moving furniture--you know, like you do.  We whipped out the furniture movers and started giggling because it was so dreamy and easy.

Emma declared she wanted them for her wedding present.  She said her children would never know the travails of moving furniture.  I told her to wait 18 years after she got married to get some, she'd appreciate them more.

Adam assembled the last of my new bookshelf/TV stand configuration.  I moved furniture and then rearranged it and then moved some of it back to where it started.

The whole thing was ridiculously easy.  As a bonus my children didn't roll their eyes because they didn't have to help.

That is good news, because what if their eyes get stuck mid roll?

Small talk

Small talk with strangers is sort of painful for me.  That's all.  It's not you waiters and store clerks, it's me.

Why do waiters ask me if I've ever been to a certain restaurant before?  Just making conversation?  Is there something inherently tricky about eating there so they want to help prepare me if I'm a rookie?

Why (oh why?) do grocery store clerks ask me what my plans are for the rest of the day?  Do they sincerely want to know?  Should I link them to the calendar on my phone?  Adam gets a message on his phone when I schedule something on the calendar, would they also like to get a message?  Braeden said when they ask me my plans for the rest of the day, I should say, "I'm going to stay right here..."

Of course I'll never say that--and I'll also never find out the answers to any of these questions.

Because I really don't want to talk to them.

Adam is a different sort.

The other day we were in Pier 1, looking at the after-Christmas offerings.  Always at Pier 1 the store employees circle the store and ask you repeatedly if you have any questions.  I don't want to be the one to tell them, but Pier 1 is really not all that confusing.  There is stuff for sale, prices plainly marked and I think we're all clear on how the retail process works.

Yet still, they wonder if I have questions.

Adam and I were looking at napkins.  They were red, so they caught my eye.  A store employee approached us.  She asked, "Do you have any questions about the napkins?"

Without missing a beat and without cracking a smile, Adam said, "Yeah, how do you use them?"

She was speechless.  Her eyes widened.  I think it was startling that someone actually had a question.  Then Adam let her know that he was teasing her.

(Nobody else asked us if we had any questions for the rest of the shopping trip.)

We went to the grocery store and Adam asked the store clerk how his Christmas had been.

"You're part of the problem!" I said.  "Stop talking to people."

I know I'm the weird one.  People, in a civilized society, talk to each other.  I just need to keep Adam or Braeden or Mark with me.  They'll talk to anyone.  So I won't have to.

Happy New Year

I love New Year's Day.  It's always lovely.  I love fresh starts and clean slates and optimism.  I love putting away the Christmas decorations...just as much as I love getting them out.

Yesterday afternoon we went to see Frozen and see what all the hype was about.

It lived up to the hype.  We all LOVED it.

We got home after our guest arrived (Geri).  Fortunately she knows our garage code.  We ate fondue and played games and watched the episode of Corner Gas where they have fondue parties (because it seemed timely).  We toasted the New Year and watched the fireworks (on TV) at the Space Needle and gratefully went to bed.

Midnight is past my bedtime.

With New Year's and newness, my mind turns towards New Year's resolutions.  (Which I also like.)

Here are mine for the year:

1) Practice the piano again...I was doing well for awhile and then I got busy with other things.  I had to emergency pinch hit for the pianist in primary last Sunday and it was a disaster.  One of the Sunbeam teachers rescued me from myself then her son started crying and kicking because he wanted his mom.

So yeah, I need to practice.

2) Learn how to make perfect pizza crust.  I have found a website to instruct me and the guy mentions Pepe's in New Haven as a place he wants to emulate.  I'm in.  Teach me, internet pizza guy.

3) Get rid of 5 things every day.  I read about a woman who did that for a year and blogged about it.  I'm not going to blog about it because I don't know who would be interested in what I get rid of (even I wouldn't be that interested).  I'm going to try it though.  I'm pretty sure I can do it.  If I get desperate to find 5 things I can always venture into my children's bedrooms.  (Do not tell them I said that.)

Happy New Year!  We are off to visit family friends this afternoon.  In Covington.  Which apparently really is a place and not just something that's mentioned in the traffic report on the radio.  Covington.  I'm sure it's lovely this time of year...



Today's day 3 of my New Year's Story.  Here's a link.

Books I read in December 2013

No Biking in the House Without a Helmet by Melissa Fay Greene ****

Hands down the best memoir I've ever read.  This was a great book about a great family.  The author and her husband had 4 biological children then adopted 5 more.  I loved every single person in this family.  I wish they were my neighbors.

Beautiful Day by Elin Hildebrand ***

I didn't like everyone in this book.  Not by a long shot.  Some of them acted terribly.  I did like the overall portrait though.  It was of a loving family (that didn't always get along) on the wedding day of their youngest sister.  I love family dramas (but not so much in real life...).

Young Fu of the Upper Yangtze by Elizabeth Foreman Lewis ***

I read this book aloud to Mark for school.  (We actually read a lot of books, I mostly just mention the ones I exceptionally liked.)  We both liked it.  It was about a young man growing up in China.  He was apprentices to a coppersmith.  He got into all sorts of scrapes but always learned his lesson and came out on top.  It's a good book for 5th grade boys (and their moms).

Telling the Bees by Peggy Hesketh *

I didn't like this book.  I didn't like the characters or the weird meandering style.  I read it because it was compelling enough at the start and then I was stuck at an appointment and read and read and then I only had 100 pages left so I persevered to the end.  There was a lot of beekeeping information in the book.  More than I really needed.  Except without it there would have been more of the rambling and stingily doled out story and I certainly didn't want that.

Blah.

Real Life and Liars by Kristina Riggle **

I can't give this book a ringing endorsement because for one thing it was a little crude and rude at times and I don't like that.  Also, the characters were mostly self absorbed jerks.  Besides that, it was pretty interesting and thought provoking.  Even though I didn't necessarily like the characters, I did find myself rooting for them.

My turn

During the holidays, my writing group has been posting holiday stories on our website.  (They're good--you should go read them.)  This week it is my turn!  I have written a New Year's story. 

It is a serial story so go back and check every day this week and you will be able to read more.

A lot to be thankful for

Christmas was wonderful.  I am grateful for all the blessings in our family's life.  I am grateful for the Savior, Jesus Christ, whose life and Atonement matter more to me than anything else.  That knowledge makes everything else better.

I loved exchanging presents.  I loved talking to my parents and grandma and each one of my siblings on either Christmas day or Christmas Eve.  That in itself was a present to me (and no small feat--Tabor and I talked 1 hour and 22 minutes...and I think I still have more to say).

I loved seeing my boys sprawled on the floor, building Lego sets.

In addition to the boring and grown up gift of a gas card, Braeden wanted a Lego set for Christmas.  He said he loves to build with Legos with Mark on Christmas day.  I told him that was just like getting Mark an extra present because once Christmas is over, Braeden won't play with Legos again.  Braeden didn't care.

Adam and I morosely talked about the fact that in two years, Braeden will be serving a mission and won't be home for Christmas.  On Christmas Eve the two of us sat looking at each other, heart broken.  Where has the time gone?  We are helpless to stop it.

I'm going to stop minding the endless milk consumption and the clamorous footsteps of my big boy and all the dishes he breaks.

Quick!  Stop the hourglass.  I want my charming, long-limbed, clumsy, curly top boy to stay around.

Sigh.

Here's Emma while the boys were building:

She traded off reading her new book and playing her new guitar.

In the late afternoon we went to Geri's.  We laughed a lot (a lot) and ate a lot (I got the end cut of the prime rib!) and I even cried a little when Geri mentioned her gratitude for Linn's contribution to the family that we are still blessed by.

Another sigh.

We exchanged more presents and came home with a van load.

It is wonderful to be loved in the world.  Gifts and phone calls and delightful food and gentle teasing and a lot of laughter make me feel loved.

And I'm grateful.

We had a lot of nice gifts and plates of goodies delivered to our house.  This may have been my favorite.  It was from one of Braeden's friends.

Yes, it's a cantaloup.  I think it was his answer to the pineapples our family delivers to our friends and neighbors...