Year in review

Everywhere I look there are lists.  I love lists but these kind of make me feel tired.  They are year in review lists and decade in review lists:  best movies, music, TV shows, books of the year (or the decade).  I have heard podcasts and radio broadcasts and seen blogposts and newspaper articles that talk about these kinds of lists.

Self reflect!

What did you learn?!?

What do you have to show for yourself?

I'm tired.

2019 sort of wiped me out.  It has been a hard year.  There have been health challenges for people I love and plain old hard things and exciting changes.  Turns out even exciting changes can be exhausting and stressful.  We've all sort of been finding our way in various aspects of life.

Adam has surfaced as the MVP.  (That's probably true every year but it feels especially true this year.)

When we were in Nevada, Robert told me that he and Adam had talked at length about me teaching. Robert told me about the compliments Adam had given when talking about me as a teacher (although Adam hasn't ever been there when I'm teaching).

Robert is certifiably one of the best men I know and he told me that Adam "is so much better than I am."  He said that even though Adam didn't say it, clearly he had sacrificed some of his own interests for me.  I told Robert some of the things Adam regularly does to help me.  For example, on Saturdays Adam insists he will clean the kitchen and do the more mundane tasks.  He always says, "I'll do this.  You work on the things only you can do."

It's not just that though.

Adam has taken up the charge taking care of Mark's diabetic supplies.  He places orders and helps Mark change his monitor and pump infusion sight.  I'm so grateful to have less to have to think about.

Adam also grounds me with doses of reality and perspective.  He chides me for being unreasonable and inventing motives for people.  I appreciate that he won't let me get away with nonsense.

I know I have a lot to be grateful for.  I'm looking forward to hanging a fresh calendar on the wall.

I'm ready.

Frivolity

I was counting on Olivia to write a blog post so I could steal a picture from her (if one turned out OK of me, which I doubt).

I didn't take any pictures, but we went to Nevada for two parties.

Sunday night, at 5:00 PM, we had the ladies' brunch (you read that right).  It was the time that worked for everyone.

Emma and I decided it was more of a high tea.

It was wonderful, like always.  Olivia knows how to throw a party.  The table was festively set and the food was delicious.  We went around the table talking about what we'd remember or had learned from the past year and what we hoped for in the future.  Like always, the women on the end of the table where the women sit cried a little and the daughters on the other end of the table looked on in a bit of mystification.  Clarissa has married since the last brunch and she joined the criers this year so perhaps there is a connection?

We talked over a few plans for the upcoming (this summer, but we're planners) 50th wedding anniversary party we are planning for our parents.  I definitely think it's going to be a situation of too many chiefs but the chiefs all love each other so we'll be fine.

Then we played after the manner of the adverb because we always do and it's fun.

We had a nice evening visiting and then spent time with my parents the next morning visiting too.  At lunchtime we had another party, this time at Marianne's.  Desi had marshaled the troops around there and had made us food from Hong Kong.  I am not a huge (or even a little) fan of Chinese food but this was really good.  Maybe because I love the cooks.  We had a white elephant gift exchange which involved a certain amount of treachery but also a lot of laughing.  Hyrum had a Make America Great Again hat that he brought as a gift that he really wanted me to have because I apparently wear my distaste on my sleeve.  I did end up with it but I gave it to my mom.  We brought some of our gifts home but "accidentally" left some of them at Marianne's.

Oops.

We drove home in the cold winter evening, listening to a good podcast across the Salt Flats.

I love living close to my family.

I love a list

I'm a serial list maker.  Yesterday I wrote a good long to do list--and then read a lot.  Since that didn't go so well, I'll make a list here of happenings around here after our first day of lollidays (the happy time between Christmas and New Year's Day when you loll around the house).

1- I made a big list of how productive I was going to be.

2- I finished my book.

3- I repeated myself in this post.

4- I was 200 steps shy of 10,000 steps (Adam got me a fitbit for Christmas--I asked for one, this isn't   a Pelaton situation).  Running up and down stairs to get stuff for Emma ups my step count!

5- Adam and I ran a few errands (we bought wrapping paper and gift tags and groceries).  Trader Joe's didn't have satsumas and it broke my heart a little.  We always had satsumas at Christmas time in Washington and it's hard to find them here.

6- We were close to my school and Adam asked if I wanted to stop by and do some things.  I said no.  There are things to do, but not during the lollidays.

7- I cleaned up all the Christmas gifts/boxes/ribbons from the main floor (I still need to tackle the wrapping station in the basement).

8- I made bread pudding with some leftover sourdough bread.  Then I remembered none of our kids like bread pudding.  But I do.

9- I tried to get Emma to eat.  I quizzed her about anything that would sound good.  Applesauce, that's all.  We got her out of the house and took a drive in downtown PG to see the lights.

10- I saw on the library marquee that they are having a used book sale and I decided to go today and check it out for my classroom.  I haven't been to the PG library for over 5 years.  It was very small and anemic and I took it personally.  Maybe it's time to give it another chance.

11- We went to Kneader's for dinner and I bought a red Christmas decoration because it was 50% off and red is my love language.  Emma ate half a sandwich.

12- I loved hearing Emma and Mark laugh in the backseat while we drove around.  Sometimes I think those two have their own language.

13- We had a nice evening out and then Emma threw up when we got home.

14- It's going to take awhile until she's back to normal, but she is slowly improving.

15- I made a plan for a long overdue phone conversation with Janet.  I smiled when I woke up this morning and remembered I had that to look forward to.

Disney wisdom

We had a lovely day yesterday.  We started opening presents later than we've ever started.  With older kids and one of them moving slowly, I happily read a few chapters of my book before everyone woke up.  We all enjoyed our presents and felt loved.  We Facetimed with Geri and Braeden and Anna.  I got to talk to my parents and Marianne--didn't ever connect with Olivia, though we left several messages for each other.  We'll talk today.

We played a new game we got as a gift from the Jorgensens and it was a lot of fun (I lost abysmally).  Mark built a new Lego set (I don't care how old that kid gets, I'm never not going to give him Legos.  He loves them.)  Emma took a four hour nap and Stella called to check on "our girl."  She is in a very slow and steady climb.  She's a little better every day but not as "better" as she'd like to be.  It will take time.  Stella assured me that is to be expected.

With Braeden married and spending Christmas with Anna's family, it feels different than when he wasn't here for Christmas because of his mission.  He's grown.  For some reason that feels unexpected when everything about life (including my own life) should have been preparing me for this.

I realized that my parents have spent more Christmases with me wishing them a Merry Christmas over the phone than they spent with me home for Christmas.  Christmases with our children at home all just felt like it would last forever, but if I'd looked around, I would have noticed that's not reality.

Maybe I didn't want to notice.

Last night we watched Noelle on Disney+.  I was in the mood for something Christmasy but something I hadn't seen a million times.  We liked the movie.  I particularly keep thinking about one quote from it:

Traditions change. Right? The new ones are scary. But they might be great. And if you know what Christmas means to you, the tradition is just the wrapping. 

I do know what Christmas means to me.  I'll keep rolling with evolving traditions.

Merry Christmas!

Adam and I have a tradition of going shopping on Christmas Eve for a gift for me (what's not to love about that?).  The stores are usually pretty empty and everything is really low key.

My favorite part is a little midday date with Adam.

This year we took a festive picture reflected in one of the enormous ornaments on the enormous tree at the Traverse Outlet Mall.  Adam wondered where they stored all their enormous Christmas decorations.  I suggested maybe they were inflatable.

Christmas is a little upside down around here and definitely feels different than usual.

It also feels nice.  We are together and have a lot to be thankful for and we know it.

I hope your Christmas is nice too, whether or not it's what you were expecting.  For unto us a Child is born, a Son is given.  And His name shall be called Wonderful, Counselor, The Mighty God, The Everlasting Father, The Prince of Peace.

Life with Emma

Adam gave us the Christmas bear last night.  Braeden and Anna were staying here before their early morning flight to Virginia for Christmas so it was a good time.

Adam said it felt kind of anticlimactic and maybe, but considering the days we've had, I think we rallied some pretty impressive festivity.

Emma said we should name her Penny since she is the penultimate bear.

And I say Penny it is because this year, Emma is the boss of everything as far as I am concerned.

This morning Emma and I were considering the bear and decided maybe we'd name her Penny Candy.  When Mark was homeschooled, I read him a book about economics titled Whatever Happened to Penny Candy?  Emma asked me about it, "What did happen to her?"

She thought it was a murder mystery and Penny Candy was a person.

Meet Penny Candy:

This morning I found her wrapped up warm for the night:

In some ways, sick Emma has reverted to little girl Emma.  After she showers, she lets me braid her hair.  I'm really not very good at it but she doesn't mind.  (And actually little girl Emma never really liked me to do anything with her hair so maybe this isn't like little girl Emma after all.)

I told Marianne that just how we used to offer Blues Clues to cranky toddlers, Emma has been watching Wizards of Waverly Place on Disney+.  She used to love it when she was little and it still makes her smile and distracts her from pain.

I brought home an extra gingerbread house that I gave my students for an activity on the last day of school before Christmas break.  There were stickers to decorate it with.  I showed Emma and asked her if she wanted a craft project.  She smiled--all the way to her eyes, which is nice to see.

And she got right to work.

We entertained ourselves with a Christmas card we got in the mail.  We had no idea who the people were:

We made up a backstory for each of them.  We decided which extracurricular activities the kids were in and which of them were rebellious or sort of bratty and who was the nice one.  We described the parents for each other.  Then I googled them and Greg Hughes is running for governor I guess.

He may just get my vote because of the interesting backstory we created for all of them.

It's nice to have Emma around.

A thrill of hope

I think I about have the weariness nailed.  It's Sunday morning and instead of singing in the choir as part of the Christmas program today, I am sitting in a hospital room.

Emma has had a hard time.  Her pancreatitis really threw her for a loop.  There was a dramatic scene of confrontation with the surgeon which I will have to relate when I have more energy.  My frustration level was at a high peak on top of my worry and exhaustion.  I did the sensible thing and called Stella.  She's hands down my favorite doctor.  She loves us for one thing.  For another thing, she explains medicine to me in English.  For another thing, she exudes the kind of confidence a frightened mother can get behind.

She gave me the right questions to ask and we've checked in with each other a few times and she's given me a lot of encouragement.

We met with the surgeon this morning (it wasn't confrontational at all) and if Emma can tolerate solid food today, we can go home!

This morning I've been thinking about Christmas.

Yesterday I was startled when I saw the date because I had kind of forgotten about Christmas.  Also, last night when I got in my car and the radio was playing Christmas music, I turned it off because it felt jarring.

I had visions of this time being warm and cozy with candles lit and good foods baking and all of us leisurely enjoying the season.

Every night when I have gone home to sleep, our house feels cold and dark and not all that cheery.

It's eye opening.  Because for plenty of people, Christmas isn't all that cheery.

We have not been grocery shopping and probably have some sour milk and limp vegetables in the fridge but I'm not sure.  Besides a ham I bought at Costco, I don't even have any of the stuff to make all our traditional Christmas food.  Emma is on a really restricted diet for a week or so anyway.  For 46 years I've been in this bubble of Christmas = cheer and now I feel like a Who down in Whoville after the Grinch came.

And he puzzled three hours, till his puzzler was sore.

Then the Grinch thought of something he hadn't before!

"Maybe Christmas," he thought, "doesn't come from a store." 

"Maybe Christmas...perhaps...means a little bit more!"

I've realized Christmas is the kindness of nurses we interact with.  Christmas is the loving texts and phone calls and prayers on our behalf.  Christmas is the sweet gifts and notes I got from my students last Friday (one made me cry a lot).

Christmas is remembering that even though things are different and decidedly less festive, Christ came for us.  He came for our discouragement and disappointments and mistakes and shortcomings.  The very first Christmas wasn't beribboned with Bing Crosby crooning in the background.  It's OK to have a pared down Christmas.

What I want for Christmas is to be home with my people and to have Emma cracking wise and making clever plays on words.  Maybe even singing.

That's all I need.

(I mean, I'll still open my gifts...)