Happy?

Yesterday Marianne commented on my blog, "What a happy post."

Was it?

Am I happy?

Mostly.

Often this all seems surreal still.  Do we really live here?  When will I stop feeling like we're on an extended and bizarre vacation?  When will I stop thinking I'll tell that to my friends next time I see them, when next time I see them will be months away?  When will my kids be really and truly happy?  I worry about them, especially Braeden.  It's his senior year and we wrecked it.

Yesterday morning I took a walk.  I think I feel closer to God on that walk.  I soak up the sagebrush and dirt road.  The wild plants are the same as those in Nevada. I feel supported by the ground underneath me and by the air filling and leaving my lungs.  (I can definitely feel the air filling and leaving my lungs when I'm going uphill.)

I had a few thoughts on the walk.

1) I don't know how this happened and how we got here, but I know that Heavenly Father does.  We made decisions prayerfully and sought to do what was right.  It may eventually make sense.

2) I just need to keep going.  I need to keep trying to get my family settled.  I need to keep teaching Mark school and keep cooking dinner and keep taking care of everyone--including me.  I feel like I'm taking steps forward into feeling settled and peaceful and then I take a few back .  I just need to keep working at it.

Usually I can maintain the Pollyanna/cheerleader facade in an attempt to make everything better for my kids.  Do they need me to do that though?  I don't know. Yesterday it was hard for me to put on a happy face.  In the afternoon, right after I commiserated with Marianne about this mothering thing, I talked to my parents. They gave me the pep talk I needed.  I was all prepared to talk to Braeden and give him a cheer-up-shot-in-the-arm when he got home from school.

I sat him down and told him I'd been thinking about him/worried about him.  I said, "I know you've been unhappy."

He said, "Yeah, I have.  But I've been praying a lot and I think I'm going to be OK."

I told him I thought this would help in his growing up/preparing for a mission/learning to be strong pursuits.  He said, "Yeah.  I know.  I've thought about that.  Also, I think it will help me turn to the Lord more."

So.

Turns out Braeden is pretty awesome.

Who knew?