Being a mother

On Christmas Eve, at Braeden's request, we watched some home movies.  There is a lot more video footage of Braeden and Emma as toddlers than Mark because our camera broke and we were too poor to replace it.  There is enough footage to paint a picture though.

When Braeden was a baby, I didn't do anything (dishes, laundry, cleaning) unless he was napping.  I didn't think I could.  I just sat and watched him and interacted with him and set him up as the supreme chancellor of our household.  

When Emma was baby, my time was divided between the two but I still had time.  Braeden loved Emma and he was pretty gentle with her (with two blaring exceptions:  the day she came home from the hospital, he covered her with a pillow and the day my mom flew back to Nevada and I was alone with the two for the first time, Braeden accidentally kicked Emma in the head.  Both occurrences did little to bolster my confidence in my success as the mother of two).

We have video of Mark as a newborn, lying on the floor.  Emma and Braeden are adoring him and fawning over him at very close range.  Emma moved his head "like it was a gearshift" (that was Mark's assessment watching the video).  Braeden stuck a toy inches from his face.  Mark looked miserable and overstimulated.  In another video, Mark was clearly beyond sleepy and it was after Braeden and Emma had gone to bed.  I was cooing at him and snuggling him and he just wanted to go to sleep but the house was quiet and I was keeping the poor baby up.

In later footage, Mark is cruising along the couch and it is the first day of home school for Braeden (1st grade) and Emma (kindergarten).  I am recording them telling me what they liked about school and Mark fell over and started crying.  I said, "You're OK, Mark.  Get up."

I 100% guarantee if that had been Braeden I would have stopped everything and rushed to pick him up and comfort him.

Mark stopped crying within seconds though.  He was OK.

Watching the videos made me realize why Mark was such a sturdy and tough kid.  He always has been; he didn't have a choice.  It also made me feel less bad about spoiling Mark in later years.  I clearly didn't spoil him when he was a baby.  I didn't have the time or energy.

Despite my uneven blend of smothering/neglect they are kind to me.

I read an article about exercising after Covid that kind of scared me.  It reported about healthy active women who died of sudden heart attacks or blood clots that traveled to their lungs when they resumed exercise after having Covid.

I decided that when I felt energetic enough, I had to ease into exercising again.

Yesterday I asked who wanted to go on a short walk.  They all four did.  We were walking and Braeden and Emma and Mark kept saying, "How are you?  Are you OK?  Do you need to stop and rest?"

I was OK.  My chest was burning but I was OK.  I am grateful for these kids and for the many things they have forgiven me for over the years.  I have video footage to prove that I didn't really know what I was doing.